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SEASON 6 | GIFT RECEIVED · SECOND CLOCK™

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  I've heard it said that people can change, but only if they
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  want to. So what would it take for you to
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  try it? Change the way you think, feel,
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  relate and experience situations.
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  For me, I wanted to find the truth and little by little I did
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  become different and old conditionings gone.
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  Then I set a new course. I refer to that as the second
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  clock. Join me, click follow, like and
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  subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  The more and more I settle into this awareness that we have the
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  choice. The choice to accept things as
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  they are. Be happy.
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  Be disappointed. The more I realized that the old
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  conditioning that I had been holding on to, that had kind of
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  anchored the way I thought and felt about things, wasn't
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  necessary to hold on to anymore. I realized this when I stumbled
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  back into old habits. It happened around a gift.
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  Anyone that knows me, and I mean knows me really well, especially
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  from when I was younger, will tell you that I'm a terrible
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  gift recipient. I don't know if I just missed
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  the day that they taught how to receive gifts graciously.
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  Yeah, I know On my face you can see it all.
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  So if you're actually a person handing me a gift, it's usually
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  met with a face filled with confusion.
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  And no matter how much I try to mask it, I can't because
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  following my face then comes the verbal observations, usually
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  filled with more confusion, questioning and judgement, which
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  leads to disappointment on both sides because nobody wants to
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  give a gift knowing that it's going to be observed and
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  critiqued. So what ended up happening for
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  me is I told people to stop giving me gifts.
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  I just said don't worry about it.
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  Write me a nice note, I'm good. And that was my way to protect
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  myself. But what was I protecting myself
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  from? I guess it was being let down.
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  See, there's the stumble. I didn't understand what it was
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  to receive a gift in the 1st place.
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  I was too busy trying to figure out why it was being given to
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  me. What was the point?
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  I guess I think of receiving gifts the way some people think
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  about New Year's Eve celebrations.
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  They get all excited and inevitably it's just a night.
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  So here's how I figured out what I hadn't figured out for so long
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  before I walked into my condo and it seemed cleaner and
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  quieter than I remembered it to be.
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  The day before, one of my closest friends and her family
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  had been staying here, and now they were gone.
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  My friend took careful consideration on making the
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  place spotless. I dashed into the condo right
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  before my gym class. I looked around.
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  I surveyed the place, and right before I left, I noticed a gift
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  basket on the coffee table. At this point, most people would
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  sigh, thinking how sweet, how unexpected, how lucky they are.
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  But my instinct was to take a deep breath, brace for impact.
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  As I slowly walked over to the coffee table and peered in to
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  the gift basket, I saw leather goods and I realized I didn't
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  have enough time to sit and really understand what it was
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  that I was looking at. So I headed off to the gym.
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  While walking to the gym, I thought she didn't need to buy
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  me anything. I mean seeing her was all I
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  really needed. I mean, I hope she didn't spend
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  a lot. I really don't need any more
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  stuff. I hope I like it.
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  What if I don't? And so the thoughts started to
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  whirl. I got up the stairs in my gym,
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  got in my class, thoughts still going, all the questioning,
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  following by judging. And then the class started and I
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  realized you're not here for that long, so you need to stay
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  present. And that gift, it'll be waiting
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  for you when you're done. I'm being really honest about
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  how I reacted because I was in it the old way.
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  I responded to gifts had crept up and I was aware this time.
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  I was aware of how uncomfortable I was with the judgment and the
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  build up to the potential disappointment.
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  A part of me was disappointed with my reaction, and the other
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  part of me just didn't want to go back up to the condo.
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  Maybe I could just avoid it altogether, pretend I never saw
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  it, but I knew that that was ridiculous.
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  I went upstairs and I sat down, pulled the gift basket towards
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  me and took out the first leather.
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  Good. It looked like a wallet.
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  I could have sworn it was a wallet when I first looked at it
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  and I was wrong, and I found myself smirking for the next few
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  minutes. I would realize how wrong I was
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  every step of the way as I opened what I thought was a
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  wallet to find out it wasn't a wallet, I realized it was
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  actually a travel jewelry case, something that I never told her
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  that I needed, but I actually did.
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  I guess she knows me better than I thought.
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  And then that's where the smart came.
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  I know she knows me better than I thought.
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  I took out the next leather good.
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  This one was more obvious. It was one of those black
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  leather phone case wallet holder things.
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  I recognized it instantly. She had been wearing the same
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  one but in tobacco brown for the whole trip.
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  My smile broadened. She bought me something just
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  like what she wears, but in my color.
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  Why I smiled is because we're the people that can go to
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  Marshalls in totally different cities.
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  I in Los Angeles, her in Michigan and find the same
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  sweatshirt with a very specific design and then be on FaceTime
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  and be wearing them. The odds of that happening very
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  low. So to know that she wanted me to
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  have something like she has made me smile.
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  But then I saw a little flash of gold out of the pocket and I
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  instantly knew what it was and I started to choke up and as I
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  pulled it out I started to cry. I realized exactly what it was
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  that was in that pocket. It was her bracelet.
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  She had been wearing it throughout the trip and now it's
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  here. 2 days prior I had commented on how I liked it.
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  What she didn't know is that I liked it because I have one
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  that's similar. And again, I thought it was
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  funny that we both have similar things.
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  I sat there and allowed the emotions to come up, and as they
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  rose, the tears started to fall. I had realized in that moment
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  something that I hadn't realized before in all the years that
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  I've been given gifts and received them so poorly.
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  It wasn't about the items. It really was about knowing that
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  somebody cares, knowing that somebody thought of you, knowing
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  that somebody wants to give something to you.
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  I took that moment in and I allowed myself to connect dots
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  that I hadn't before. And as I sat there looking at
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  the gold bracelet in my hand, I started to think about these
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  gold beaded bracelets that her and her daughters are wearing
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  throughout the trip. I think she was wearing two or
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  three. Same with her daughters.
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  I had admired those, but I never mentioned that to her.
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  I realized that I should I compose myself.
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  I reached into the gift basket and I took out this little
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  pouch. It's velvet sweet.
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  And I unzipped it and I pulled out 2 gold beaded bracelets and
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  I started to cry again. This time the tears really
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  flowed. I had stood in so much judgement
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  leading up to opening this gift, So much so I didn't even want to
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  know what was inside. I had created all these reasons
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  why I should be disappointed, pre emptive disappointment that
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  was going to protect me. It didn't.
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  It actually hurt me because here I was judging somebody that
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  really put a lot of thought into this gift, really cared, and
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  here I was trying to push it away.
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  As I sat confronted with this realization, I let myself feel
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  into all of these emotions. I had been so wrong, not just
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  with her, but with many people before her.
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  I don't know why I had done it. Maybe at some point I had been
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  disappointed and I just decided just assume the worst so you
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  can't be let down. I honestly couldn't tell you why
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  I would act the way I acted, but I realized I couldn't act that
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  way anymore. It wasn't fair.
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  It wasn't fair to me and how I experienced receiving and it
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  wasn't fair to my friend. Then I got to the note.
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  She confirmed there that she gave me the bracelet off her
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  wrist, and then she told me that she had made that little velvet
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  pouch that I thought was sweet. How could I have been so scared?
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  How could I have wanted to be right by having the gift somehow
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  be a let down? The only thing that let me down
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  was my old ways. After reading the note, I let
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  myself cry some more. Have a real good purge.
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  Purge of decades worth of emotions stored up and now
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  released. I texted my friend and I just
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  said thank you for so many things.
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  She wrote back simply, I love you so much.
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  That was it. All her care and consideration
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  was put into that basket because she loved me and I needed to
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  take that in too. I needed to understand that it
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  didn't matter what was inside that basket.
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  It just mattered that I understood that somebody can
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  show up, somebody can care. The gift she gave me, in the
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  end, it wasn't about the leather goods, the bracelets.
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  No, it was about the gift of friendship, the gift of her
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  understanding that she knows I'm a terrible gift recipient.
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  And she put herself into the line of fire and she did it.
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  And she taught me a lesson. And that was the true gift.
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  Thank you. Gift received.
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  Thanks for listening. These episodes are unscripted.
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  They're my free flowing thoughts as I reflect back on past
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  conversations, experiences, what I've learned would like to do
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  better, and what's next. Join me on Thursdays for new
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  episodes and catch up on past episodes.
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  Click Follow, Like and subscribe and let's see where this leads.