Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / How to Make Sense of Your Suffering With Carly Taylor

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How to Make Sense of Your Suffering With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Everyone, it's Color here for this week's Mojo Monday. So
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  Speaker 1: we're living in a time where struggle is very quickly
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  Speaker 1: framed as something abnormal, so something that needs fixing. And
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  Speaker 1: when we suffer as humans, we often default by seeing
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  Speaker 1: the symptoms through a pathological lens. And this approach can
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  Speaker 1: really narrow our lives and stop us from living fully
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  Speaker 1: because we are only looking through one lens where there
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  Speaker 1: are actually more. And today I want to introduce you
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  Speaker 1: to a wider way of looking at our suffering. And
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  Speaker 1: that is certainly not to dismiss a diagnosis, because I
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  Speaker 1: know that this can be really helpful to so many people.
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  Speaker 1: But recently I was looking at the work of Dr
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  Speaker 1: Russ Harris, and he's author of The Happiness Trap, and
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  Speaker 1: he's a leading voice in act acceptance commitment there, and
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  Speaker 1: he's an educator. I've done a lot of my training
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  Speaker 1: through him. He trained psychologist, counselors, coaches, and in one
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  Speaker 1: of his papers he talks about what he calls the
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  Speaker 1: blame or brain dilemma, and it's such a helpful framework
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  Speaker 1: for understanding how we explain our suffering.
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  Speaker 2: So today I'm going to introduce you to.
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  Speaker 1: Three lenses that might help you make sense of what
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  Speaker 1: could be going on for you. So the first one
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  Speaker 1: is the blame lens, the second is the brain lens,
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  Speaker 1: and the third is the environment lens. So let's start
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  Speaker 1: with a brain lens. So this is that harsh internal narrative.
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  Speaker 1: This is the you should be better than this, try harder,
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  Speaker 1: this is your fault. And I think, if we're honest,
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  Speaker 1: most of us have looked through or looked at our
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  Speaker 1: struggles through this lens at some point. And this is
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  Speaker 1: when our inner critic, or what we call our inner gremlin,
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  Speaker 1: pipes up. And that is the part of us that
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  Speaker 1: can really take the lead in our lives if we
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  Speaker 1: allow it to. Many people interpret how they feel as
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  Speaker 1: a personal defect rather than a natural human response. And
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  Speaker 1: the problem is that the blame lens can create shame,
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  Speaker 1: and shame does something very specific to us. Shame says
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  Speaker 1: you are the problem, you are flawed, you are not enough.
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  Speaker 1: And when we fuse with that story, that narrative, we
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  Speaker 1: can easily withdraw. So we can start to procrastinate or avoid,
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  Speaker 1: or we can stop trying, or we can even overcompensate
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  Speaker 1: in ways that are kind of more frantic than values
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  Speaker 1: driven and shame can narrow our world. It can make
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  Speaker 1: us smaller. It pulls away from purposeful action because it
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  Speaker 1: convinces us that we are unworthy of it. And that
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  Speaker 1: affects our commitment to our values, which, you know, the
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  Speaker 1: important stuff, what we stand for. It affects our relationships,
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  Speaker 1: our agency in our daily life, and the meaning we
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  Speaker 1: attach to our pain can really amplify it. So the
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  Speaker 1: self judgment multiplies the hurt. It's the difference between this
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  Speaker 1: is difficult, this is a really hard situation that I'm in,
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  Speaker 1: which is stating the reality of the situation, and this
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  Speaker 1: is difficult because I'm defective.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not handling it. You know.
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  Speaker 1: The first keeps you in the arena, bringing in brene
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  Speaker 1: brown stuff, and the second pushes you out. And from
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  Speaker 1: a heartiness perspective, it's about staying in the arena, engaged
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  Speaker 1: and connected and willing even when life is hard. So
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  Speaker 1: if you notice the blame lens creeping in, the first
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  Speaker 1: step isn't really to start arguing with it or fighting it.
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  Speaker 2: It's just to notice it.
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  Speaker 1: Ah, there's that critical, hard, self defeating victim mode story again,
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  Speaker 1: and from there you can gently widen that lens because
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  Speaker 1: you're suffering does not automatically equate to a defect. Sometimes
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  Speaker 1: it simply just equals being human. So the second one
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  Speaker 1: is the brain lens. So this is the narrative that it's.
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  Speaker 1: This is neurobiological, it's my brain chemistry. My brain is
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  Speaker 1: wide differently, I'm different to other people. For many people,
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  Speaker 1: this explanation is deeply relieving, and I know that for
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  Speaker 1: a fact because I have friends who have experienced that.
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  Speaker 1: It can soften the blame lens, it can reduce the shame,
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  Speaker 1: and it helps people realize it's not me. I'm not weak,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not defective, and that really matter. So biology matters,
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  Speaker 1: our nervous system matters, our genetics matter, and understanding your
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  Speaker 1: brain can be really empowering for everyone. And for me,
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  Speaker 1: I understand my brain based on my childhood experiences, and
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  Speaker 1: for me personally, I use it as data more than
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  Speaker 1: anything else. In other words, I don't really dwell anymore
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  Speaker 1: on my past because the past is out of my control.
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  Speaker 1: But I can control my attitude. I can control whether
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  Speaker 1: I learn from it, and I can control my.
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  Speaker 2: Narrative towards it.
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  Speaker 1: But if we only look through the brain lens and
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  Speaker 1: cling tightly to these labels or diagnosis, or even just
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  Speaker 1: your narrative as the whole story. It can reduce our
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  Speaker 1: agency in our lives. So it becomes well, this is
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  Speaker 1: just me, this is just how I am.
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  Speaker 2: There's nothing I can do. I'm stuck with this.
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  Speaker 1: And from a heartiness perspective, what that does is that
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  Speaker 1: weakens our control. And control remember, is not about controlling everything.
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  Speaker 1: It's about recognizing what is within your influence. So Marcus really,
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  Speaker 1: the stoic philosopher, wrote a quote which you may have
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  Speaker 1: heard of. It's quite a popular one. You have power
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  Speaker 1: over your mind, not outside events. And realize this and
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  Speaker 1: you will find strength. So we don't control our genetics
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  Speaker 1: or our past. We don't control every stressor in our environment,
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  Speaker 1: but we do have influence over how we respond. Even
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  Speaker 1: with a diagnosis, even with a genetic vulnerability, even with
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  Speaker 1: a nervous system that is more sensitive than someone else's,
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  Speaker 1: and even with adverse child experiences, it may not be
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  Speaker 1: easy for you. It may require more skill, or more support,
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  Speaker 1: or more structure. That if biology becomes the only story,
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  Speaker 1: that's when your life narrows. And Hardiness takes this different approach,
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  Speaker 1: it's a different question. So given your wiring, given your context,
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  Speaker 1: given your history, what is within your influence?
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  Speaker 2: Because the moment we widen.
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  Speaker 1: That lens beyond this is just my brain, This is
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  Speaker 1: just the way I am. We begin to open up
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  Speaker 1: our lives to new possibilities, not to control everything, but
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  Speaker 1: control what we do next. And that is where strength.
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  Speaker 1: That's where heartiness, the process of hardiness starts. Now let's
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  Speaker 1: go to the environment lens. So this is one that
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  Speaker 1: we often overlook, and even in therapy, sometimes suffering makes
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  Speaker 1: sense because of context. So you can't ignore context. You know,
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  Speaker 1: you're exhausted because you're overloaded, which is about capacity. You're
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  Speaker 1: anxious because there's a lot of uncertainty in your life
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  Speaker 1: life and a lot out of your control. Or you're
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  Speaker 1: reactive because life is hard and your nervous system has
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  Speaker 1: been loaded up and you're in a state of chronic
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  Speaker 1: fight or flight. If you look at ancient and modern philosophies,
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  Speaker 1: you look at Eastern philosophies, some modern psychology, they all
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  Speaker 1: emphasize that life itself is difficult. Relationships are difficult, loss
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  Speaker 1: is painful, are change in life circumstances. Modern life is
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  Speaker 1: fast and demanding. And get this, our mind's evolved for survival,
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  Speaker 1: not for peace and happiness, and I think.
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  Speaker 2: That's really important to be aware of.
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  Speaker 1: So when we widen the lens to include our environment,
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  Speaker 1: we can take a step back and get out of
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  Speaker 1: the weeds for a moment and ask instead of what's
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  Speaker 1: wrong with me? We get given, I'm dealing with this.
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  Speaker 1: This makes perfect sense. So we're not minimizing anything, we're
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  Speaker 1: humanizing it. So let's put this all together. So you
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  Speaker 1: are not your diagnosis. You may have one, but it's
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  Speaker 1: not the title of your story. You're not your self criticism.
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  Speaker 1: You have an inner critic, we all do, but it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't define you. It doesn't have to define you. And
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  Speaker 1: you are not just your brain chemistry.
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  Speaker 2: You're more than that.
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  Speaker 1: This is about being human, a mind trying to protect you,
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  Speaker 1: a body responding to stress, whether that's in your environment
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  Speaker 1: or an illness, or an environment influencing your nervous system.
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  Speaker 1: And when we say this makes sense, it almost allows
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  Speaker 1: us to breathe because from there we can turn our
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  Speaker 1: attention to the questions what matters to me in my life?
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  Speaker 2: What is in my control right now? What is this.
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  Speaker 1: Difficulty asking of me? Seneca the stoic philosopher wrote, difficulties
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  Speaker 1: strengthen the mind as labor does the body, and that's
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  Speaker 1: not about glorifying suffering. It's about focusing on growth instead
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  Speaker 1: of just the story of what is wrong with us.
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  Speaker 1: So it's making sense of our pain and suffering, which
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  Speaker 1: means holding multiple lenses at once, not just one. So
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  Speaker 1: blame is really helpful. Brain explanations can be useful as
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  Speaker 1: long as they don't remove your agency, and the environment
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  Speaker 1: and the context deeply matters, and through it all you
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  Speaker 1: still have the capacity to choose. Your emotions are signals
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  Speaker 1: of what you care about. Your suffering doesn't mean that
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  Speaker 1: you are weak or something is wrong. It's proof that
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  Speaker 1: you're human and from that place, grounded, realistic can also compassionate.
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  Speaker 1: You can ask the most important question, So, given all
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  Speaker 1: of this, given everything that's happening right now, what needs
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  Speaker 1: to be done?
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  Speaker 2: What do I need to do? So thank you for
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  Speaker 2: listening everyone.
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  Speaker 1: I hope that's me valuable and I will catch you
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  Speaker 1: next Monday. See yea