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Are You Punishing Yourself Without Realising It? · insyed; cozy psychology

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  Welcome back to INSyed. I'm Syed, and every week
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  I take real academic research and bring it closer
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  to the life you're actually living. Like a journal
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  entry that did its homework, let's take a peek
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  INSyed. Resentment is like drinking poison, then
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  hoping it will kill your enemies. I came across
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  this quote in religious literature. It carried
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  with it a feeling I couldn't describe, like an
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  invisible string that wrapped itself around my
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  neck. I felt as if I was choking. So I wrote
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  it down in my notes and chose to ruminate on
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  it. As I continued on with my life, that quote
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  kept coming back to me. That invisible string
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  tightening itself more and more. That's when
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  I chose to do the research. I wanted to know
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  what was happening. Then I came across an article
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  that opened my eyes. That string, the one that
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  had been tightening around my neck, wasn't doing
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  it on its own. It was my own hands that were
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  tightening it. and it was I that needed to let
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  go. I had fallen from guilt to shame. The difference
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  between the two matters. When we say we're guilty,
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  we attribute it to an action, something we've
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  already done. To be guilty of breaking something
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  or saying something we shouldn't have, it highlights
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  behavior, while shame points to the person, holistically.
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  It blankets us in ridicule and resentment to
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  ourselves. Shame makes us the bad person. By
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  choosing to point these feelings to our actions
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  instead of our person, we can realize that we
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  aren't the villain of our story. We're the ones
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  who can create change, and that can only begin
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  by choosing self -forgiveness. Researchers did
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  a meta -analysis, a study that combines data
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  from multiple independent studies and found a
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  strong positive correlation between self -forgiveness
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  and psychological well -being. By choosing to
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  forgive ourselves, we end up happier and mentally
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  healthier. To put it to scale, this analysis
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  involved 65 different samples and nearly 18 ,000
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  participants. 18 ,000 people, each with their
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  own individual lives, all of whom strengthened
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  their psychological well -being, all because
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  they chose self -forgiveness. When I saw these
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  numbers, I began to wonder. Was self -forgiveness
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  all I really needed? We'll take a short break
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  here. Sit with that for a moment. Welcome back.
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  On a personal note, I have a habit of breaking
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  things. A few weeks ago I broke my camera and
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  it genuinely upset me. It was an old Samsung
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  camera phone, so getting it fixed was out of
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  the question. All I could do was to try and replace
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  it. I kept thinking to myself, Why am I so careless?
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  How could I be so dumb? Over time, it waned on
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  me. It started off with blaming myself for the
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  broken camera, then I began blaming myself over
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  my poor sleep schedule. It started off material,
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  then it turned to character. I began to antagonize
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  myself. Then came the quote and realization.
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  I had made myself, in my eyes, irredeemable,
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  when in reality, change was in the palm of my
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  hands. All I had to do was forgive myself. One
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  may worry that self -forgiveness gives us a reason
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  to make excuses, that it might make us disengage
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  or enable us to repeat wrongdoing. But these
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  studies suggest that self -forgiveness strengthens
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  our drive for self -improvement. So to bring
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  it back to what we shared in the beginning, resentment
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  is like drinking poison and hoping that it'll
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  kill your enemies. Sometimes that enemy is closer
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  than you'd expect. It may be the person you see
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  in the mirror every morning. Let self -forgiveness
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  be the antidote. That quote was never just about
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  inviting peace with others. It was also about
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  making peace with ourselves. Write down one thing
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  you've been holding back against yourself. Then
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  ask, would you forgive someone you love for the
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  same thing? And that brings us to the end of
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  this week's inside. Thank you for spending your
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  time here. If something today stayed with you,
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  the best way you can support is to share it with
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  someone it may reach. You can also follow the
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  show wherever you listen. And if you have a moment,
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  leaving a review genuinely helps more people
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  find us. Until next week, remember that there's
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  always more INSyed.