Latest / Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes / Why We Should All Want Our Friends to Have Robust Social Lives (Even If It’s Without Us)

Transcript

Why We Should All Want Our Friends to Have Robust Social Lives (Even If It’s Without Us) · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:00
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:58
  Alex Alexander: I'm about to tell you the most counter intuitive friendship advice you'll ever hear if you want closer friendships, start cheering on your friends for hanging out with each other without you, start actively encouraging your friends to make other friends. And before you think I'm some kind of friendship saint, let me be clear, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone. So here's what I'm going to do in today's episode, I am going to share with you some real life stories of mine, of times that I have either actively encouraged my friends to make other friends, or genuinely cheered On friends for hanging out together without me.
• 2:02
  Alex Alexander: And while I'm telling these stories, I want you to listen for all the ways that this approach actually benefits me.
• 2:12
  Alex Alexander: Keep a mental tally, and at the end, I will reveal what is a very long list of benefits. In fact, let me scroll down for a second. There are 1... 2....
• 2:22
  Alex Alexander: 3... 16. There are 16 benefits listed here. So how many can you come up with in this episode?
• 2:36
  Alex Alexander: The first story I want to tell you about is a friend of mine. I have talked about her on the before on the podcast, so some things that I say might sound familiar, but she is a friend who currently lives far away. I have to get on an airplane to go see her. Now, in an alternate reality, in my dreams, I can imagine a life where we maybe live in the same neighborhood, or we live, you know, just like a 510, minute drive away from each other, and we are at each other's houses all the time, and I just like, walk in through the front door. We're hanging out all the time on weekends, like I can envision an alternate universe that honestly makes me want to cry a little bit, because I wish that was the reality, but she lives a couple states away. I have to get on a plane to go see her and her family. Vice versa. She has to come back because she did live in Seattle for a period of time, but she does not at the moment.
• 3:44
  Alex Alexander: And although I have asked, I have been told it's very, very, very unlikely. One time I asked what the percentage chance was, just because I wanted a reality check, and I think it was like 5% or less. So I'm not holding out that she's moving back here.
• 4:02
  Alex Alexander: But although I would love that reality, I just explained to you that's not our reality. I miss her - I wish that I could be there daily, but I can't. So instead, I have encouraged her wholeheartedly so many times over the past few years, when she first moved I remember her being like, gosh, it is so hard to make friends and brainstorming all the places she could go. You know, like, Are there craft groups? Are there workout groups? I remember her one time telling me about, I don't remember, was it a real estate agent or maybe a financial planner, somebody was hosting, just like a client appreciation event, and I remember being like, you should go, you never know who you'll meet, right? I am constantly encouraging her to make new friends now. Yeah, over the past few years. Again, this is where the story might sound familiar.
• 5:05
  Alex Alexander: She had a little boy, my nephew.
• 5:05
  Alex Alexander: He is one of my faves. I love him so much. I mean, I love all these kiddos so much. But he was in the NICU for an extended period of time. And there are things about that journey that she has been on that I will never fully understand. Even though I went and lived in her house while they were in the NICU for a period of time, even though I have been to the NICU when he was there back in the day, I will never understand what it is like to be the mother of a medically complex kiddo, and so I have encouraged her wholeheartedly so many times to make not only like local friends, but also friends who understand her day to day life, without her Having to tell them right? Because I try to understand, and I see some of it, but I still have to ask a lot of questions. I still have to learn a lot. It's still not my day to day. So some of the things I've encouraged her is she did join a workout group, and I love seeing like the posts that got that community moms group makes I ask about it. You know, she's told me about all the different friends she's made and like the dynamics, and that's been really fun. I have encouraged her to really connect in Facebook groups. That's not to say that. Like, believe me, she was gonna find Facebook groups with other parents who understand her journey. But I want to hear about him. I'm like, asking about him. You know, she's telling me she finally got to meet someone she connected with in that group.
• 6:56
  Alex Alexander: And I'm like, Oh my gosh, I love that. A few months ago. Gosh, this is probably six to nine months ago. Now, she went to an event, a fundraising event, and she sent me a photo. It was a selfie of her and another mom, and I think they had connected on the internet, and she was like, Look NICU mom friends. And I'm all up in my text messages, being like, we love NICU mom friends, like, oh my gosh, this is so exciting. I love this.
• 7:21
  Alex Alexander: Like, it's so cool. You guys got to meet in person, right? I could go on and on, but I guess what I would say here is, like the reality isn't an either or.
• 7:36
  Alex Alexander: It's like a both things can exist reality. I wish I was there. I wish she was here. I wish which way we were closer, but if we're not, I want her to thrive the same way she wants me to thrive. And I want to hear about it like this is such a example of kind of that historic friend situation. I think there are many ways that her and I are still present friends, right? We try and connect all the time, but we are not necessarily living our day to day lives together. And so the places where we can't, the places where I can't understand what her day to day life looks like, and vice versa, right? She doesn't understand what I do here, necessarily, on this microphone and with my book. And she wants me to have people, though, who get it just without me having to explain it. And so we spend a lot of time, or maybe, you know, a good chunk of our bond in this season of our friendship is actually being the biggest encouragers of finding the other people to fill in. And like our role is almost encouraging each other, like, hey, yeah, keep going out there and building all those connections. And I can't wait to hear about them, and when I'm in town, I want to meet those people, and I want to, like, celebrate that, and I want to get to be a part of it for a brief moment, even if it's not my day to day. Oh, what a story I could talk about her all day.
• 9:14
  Alex Alexander: Love you.
• 10:23
  Alex Alexander: The next scenario I want to give you. The next story I want to give you is about kind of like activity specific friends. And I could tell you stories of girlfriends of mine who have gone off and done something that I don't necessarily, I'm not that interested in I could do that. I have plenty of those stories. But the story that actually came to mind when I was thinking about friends who share an interest in something is Michael, my husband this past week, Michael and some of his friends. I went to a baseball game. Now I'm not a huge sports person, especially baseball.
• 11:11
  Alex Alexander: Baseball's not at the top of my interest list, so he didn't even ask me if I wanted to go also, right? It's him and a couple of his close guy friends. Now, remember, these guy friends are actually friends of mine, and Michael is friends with their wives. So this easily could have been like a multiple couple type date, but the ladies weren't invited. It was a guy's thing, and multiple of them, like, showed up at our house before they went. So I got to say a quick hello, and because it was a pretty big game and there was a lot of traffic and parking was expensive, and we live pretty close to the stadium, I drove them and dropped them off, and they got out of the car, and I knew they were going to go have a fun time, right? They're going to go hit up the bar before they go to the game. They're going to have a grand old time. They're going to maybe go out after I don't know what they're going to do, and I just said, bye, have fun. And the reason I'm using that story in particular is for some reason I think a lot of people feel like that's more acceptable to drop off your husband and his guy friends than if I told you a story about dropping off some of my girlfriends to an activity that I really wasn't that interested in. But my question to you is, why is that different? Why as a society, do we see that as different and maybe a little more acceptable? Just sit with that. I think it's very similar.
• 12:45
  Alex Alexander: I think it's pretty much the same as if a group of my closest friends wanted to go do something that I wasn't that interested in, and I was all for it, and I was like, Yeah, I'll drive you and drop you off to go see that concert. So sit with why you feel like that's different. Now another story is one that I think would really send a lot of people, and it's one that, honestly, I'm constantly trying to, kind of, like shift the friendship culture with my own friendships on and that is the friendship trio dynamic, and I had a conversation with my friend about this recently. So this friend and I were, it was kind of an activity specific friendship thing. We were at a discount store, okay, this is a really random hobby of mine.
• 13:47
  Alex Alexander: This friend and I went to a store where, like, they process Amazon returns. Okay, for a lot of people, that sounds like a nightmare. I understand that. I think we kind of like the hunt.
• 13:58
  Alex Alexander: We think it's fun. Now, our other friend in this trio, she's one of those people who thinks it's kind of a nightmare. She came with us one time, and she went along with it, but this is not her choice of an activity, okay? So she's kind of opted out, like, that's, that's an example of an activity specific thing. She's not that into it.
• 14:18
  Alex Alexander: So she's like, you guys, have fun. You know, maybe I want to come every once in a while, but not really. We still invite her often, but often. She's like, No, you two go. So it's just the two of us. We're there. We're hanging out, and we were wandering the aisles, and we were chatting about hanging out one on one, when maybe there's kind of this established, like trio dynamic, and the friend that I'm walking through the store with, she mentions like, gosh, I need to give them, like, code names. Okay, so the friend who's not there, we're gonna call her Fanny she's gonna laugh if she hears this. And the friend I am with, we're gonna call her Willie. Okay, they're both gonna find this funny if they ever hear the nicknames I picked for them. Okay, so Fanny's not there. Willie and I are walking the aisles. Willie and I, she tells me about how the two of them went on a walk without me, but she kind of tiptoes around it, like she's a little nervous to tell me. And I'm like, Oh, that's great. I love that you guys did that. And then I proceed to be like, you know, Fanny and I hung out and had a full day like last weekend, and she goes, "Well, I know I was busy, but like, I love that you guys did that." And I go, "Well, just so you know, I wouldn't have invited you." And Yes - I did tell my friend this. I was like, "I wouldn't have invited you, and it's not because I don't want you there. Like, I love when the three of us hang out, but we often hang out the three of us, and Fannie and I needed a little like one-on-one friendship hangout time. We haven't had that in a while, so I really wanted to prioritize that, right?" Willie and I, we kind of have this wandering the Amazon return aisle thing that we do.
• 16:09
  Alex Alexander: So we've really like that shared experience, right? That's a thing that we can just casually like, "Hey, you want to go do that today. Like, I don't have anything going on." Fannie, and I don't really have anything like that at the moment. So we've been, I feel like trying some different activities together, and in order to do that, we kind of need to do that alone. And I will be very upfront about that with my other friend and Willie was just like, Oh, I love that you guys are trying to find some activities to do together. And now it is very transparent that all of us are hanging out without each other. She was not offended at all. I gave her the reason, which I think made it even easier to understand why, even if she had been available, I wouldn't have called her and suddenly there's just like this transparency in which we don't have to pretend it didn't happen. We don't have to be worried about being found out. We can openly discuss why, like the three of us do all sorts of things together. Is it really that hard to believe that every once in a while, we all want kind of some one on one time? The thing that this makes me think of is that sounds so taboo in like friendship culture today, and yet, if we talk about family relationships, it's super common for parents to talk about carving one on one time out with each of their children. Right?
• 17:40
  Alex Alexander: It's common to be like, we want both parents with one child, and we want to, like, take them on a trip, or take them on a dinner, or go do one activity with them, and then we do that with the second child, or maybe the third child. It's also common to be like, I want my oldest child and parent a to have time together, and I want the oldest child and parent B to have time together solo. That is normal to talk about. So why? And nobody's offended. In fact, everybody's cheering that on. Everyone's like, yes, you should have that one on one time that's so important for those relationships. So then, why is that not the same in a friend trio? Again, these are questions for you to sit with because I think that spending one on one time together is something that should be celebrated. Another quick story, we have some friends who moved away. These are different friends than the friend I talked about earlier.
• 18:40
  Alex Alexander: We miss them dearly. Again, I'm just that friend who's like constantly trying to convince everybody to move back to Seattle. But I get it. I get why they moved. We're lucky to get to go visit them. But I on the phone, was talking to my friend, and often I'll be like, you know, have you met any of your neighbors? Have you made any work friends down there, have you, you know? Oh, she'll tell me, like, there's a neighborhood Halloween party, like a block party. I'll be like, did you go?
• 19:15
  Alex Alexander: Did you meet anyone? Was there anyone? Cool? Anyone? The kids age, right? I am constantly encouraging them to make other local friends, because I hadn't really thought about this example, but I'm going to give you another example. We have some friends who live abroad.
• 19:38
  Alex Alexander: They live in Italy, and one of my favorite things is when we go and visit them, getting to meet all their local friends, they'll often kind of like host a dinner, because we're in town, and they'll invite some of their other closest friends to come to dinner. And it is my favorite to have met those people, to have had conversations with them, to know what they look like, and have heard some of their stories. It makes hearing about my friend's lives so much richer, because I'm not just imagining some person I've never met. And in fact, the last time we did this, one of their closest friends was not in town, so I did not get to meet that friend. And it's funny, because the other close friends like I can picture them, I can picture their kids. I can picture one of their apartments. I can there's such a, like, rich, colorful experience in my mind when my friends are telling me about the things they're doing in Italy.
• 20:38
  Alex Alexander: But that one friend, I can't really place that person. All right, let's talk more about this kind of, like, friend trio dynamics. Let me tell you another story about that. So I have oftentimes talk about this kind of, like, bigger friend group that I'm a part of. I don't even know I really should sit down and count, but I mean, we're talking like 25 to 30 people in this friend group, and I often think of it more as kind of a. Community. Like not everyone is the closest to each other, but we all it's like common that the same group gets invited to a lot of things. Now, within that big group, there are different dynamics, right? There are different couples that are close to each other. There are there's like me and two gals that were friends from college.
• 21:28
  Alex Alexander: So that's a certain kind of dynamic. There's other people who were close because they used to be co workers, and they really developed this close bond when they would travel for work all the time. Like there are different dynamics within the group. Now there is a trio of friends. I am friends with all of them to varying degrees, but I'm not a part of the trio. Now, some of these people are some of my closest friends, and they have this little trio, and I'm not a part of it. I'm on the outside of it. But you know what? I encourage them to hang out without me, just like I hang out with them in different groups and dynamics, right? Like one of the people in that trio lives really close to me. I see her and her husband all the time, another person in that trio, I go down and hang out all the time with her and her kiddos and just live my best anti life.
• 22:35
  Alex Alexander: Another friend in that group. I adore her. I love her. We don't see each other quite as often, but we have so much fun every time we are together. And yet, they go off and do things the three of them without me, and I'm so happy for them. I truly am. I just don't believe I need to be a part of every dynamic. I love that they have this close connection. I love that they talk all the time and they share details that's not excluding me, it's just them really leaning into something that feels natural to them, and I love that for them, like I am genuinely okay with not being included, and I don't need them to pretend they don't have the dynamic They do. Now, someday I should really, like, draw out this big friend group. I should like, map it and all the different ways I think people are connected. And the thing is, I wouldn't even get it right, because I'm not in those friendships. So I wouldn't know. But another thing that pops out to me is kind of this idea of, like, life, stage friends, and how I encourage people to have those right? I mentioned my friend who became a mom and was in the NICU and wanting her to have other NICU mom friends. But even in this like group of friends I'm in, I have individual friendships with different people, and yet, every time someone becomes a mom in that group, as much as I'm interested in their experience and want to hear about it, and love their kiddos and want to be around them. I am not up at five times a night taking care of a newborn, but they get each other. And so even some of them who are more like that familiar friends acquaintance level, they've got group chats that I'm not a part of, where they're talking about what they're putting on their registry, or, you know, what illnesses are popping up this winter, or if they can trade strollers, or whatever it is, right? They have a whole dynamic that doesn't include me, and I love that for them, I do not need to be included on that, because, honestly, it would probably be really overwhelming if they were asking me for answers to things that I wouldn't have any idea how to answer, right? If they were asking me, like which stroller they should buy, I would then have to go do a bunch of research, because I'm not surrounded by people pushing strollers every day who are casually mentioning their favorite ones, right? They're having those types of conversations when they leave daycares, when they go to the park. They can tell each other so much more information that it would be a lot for me to try to figure out to be that person for them. So the dynamics I've covered in these various stories are the friend who lives far away, activity specific friends kind of this idea of a friend trio, and wanting each friendship within that trio to be strong, wanting people to have geographically close friends, encouraging people to have friend groups that I'm not a part of, and being okay with that people who are in different life stages, you know, some other scenarios that I don't necessarily have. Stories for but I did think about for this episode are like, work friends.
• 26:12
  Alex Alexander: Let's say your your friend gets a new job and suddenly is really close with a co worker. I could see how you might be like, Wow, you're really talking about this person a lot. And in my mind, I think like, Well, I'm happy you have someone you spend a lot of time at work. I'm happy you have someone there that you enjoy being around like I'd love to meet them, right? Another might be if somebody is in a new relationship and now you're they're spending time connecting with their partner's friend group or their partner's family, and really cheering them on for developing those relationships, even if they don't involve you.
• 26:51
  Alex Alexander: Another might be a person who is seeking out some sort of group.
• 26:57
  Alex Alexander: This could be an activity or an interest group. I always use bird watching. They've always had an interest in birds, and you're just not very into it, but you love that they have that community. It could also be something a little more serious than that, right? It could be a therapy group or a support group. Maybe they just experience the loss of a spouse.
• 27:17
  Alex Alexander: I'm happy they have that person.
• 27:17
  Alex Alexander: It could be maybe a personal development or networking group.
• 27:21
  Alex Alexander: Maybe a friend joins a mastermind group for a year.
• 27:25
  Alex Alexander: They're talking to these people all the time. You're going on trips with them. You're over here thinking, gosh, we never can go on a trip, but suddenly you can fly to this conference with these people three times a year. And this idea of kind of being proud of them for seeking community and growing or finding the support that they need, there are probably other scenarios I didn't think of, but those are all the ones that came to mind, even the ones I don't have stories for. Now the whole point of this episode. Why does this matter? Why do I do this?
• 27:58
  Alex Alexander: Why does encouraging my friends to have their own dynamics outside of their relationship with me and or making new friends. How does that benefit me? So let's get like the selfless piece out. There's just one, right? The selfless piece is I care about these people, and I want them to have the robust wheel of connection that they need, even if I'm not their entire wheel of connection, right? I am one small dot, maybe a big.on their wheel of connection, but I am not the entire wheel of connection, and I want them to have a full and robust wheel of connection, a web that they feel like is below them that would catch them if they fall a web that supports them in all the various aspects of who they are. I want them to have that. Okay, so now let's talk about the personal ways that this benefits me. The first one is it reduces the pressure on me. I don't have to be my friends everything right? I don't have to pretend that I understand all the nuances of being a new mom. I don't have to feel like I'm lacking and can't truly support my friend in her experience of being in the NICU.
• 29:25
  Alex Alexander: I don't have to pretend that I am interested in baseball when I am not, it reduces the pressure on me, but I am happy they have that. The second one is I feel less guilty if I am busy or unavailable because my friends have other people to turn to.
• 29:48
  Alex Alexander: You know, that friend that I mentioned the very, very, very beginning, who is the NICU mom we were talking recently, because she had mentioned wanting to come up and visit, and her time is very limited. I understand that. And I just kind of mentioned, like, oh, you know, you mentioned coming up here. Do you think maybe you'd come? And she said to me, like, yeah, I want to come, but I also really want to go to this conference for other moms of medically complex kiddos. And this could have been a moment where I'm like, gosh, you're choosing that. You're choosing that community over me, like, I haven't seen you. I want to see you, but I didn't feel that at all. Like, truly, my first thing was, I don't really care whether you go visit them or you come visit me. Like, I would love for you to come visit me. We will figure that out. I can come to you like, it's fine, but I'm happy you have that web and I also have a lot of things going on so like, I'm happy you have that. I'm happy you have that.
• 31:03
  Alex Alexander: I'm happy that you have other people to turn to, even. If I currently am in a season where I'm trying to launch a bunch of things and I can't fly down to see you all the time, maybe that's not like the best example for that one. But I do feel less guilty that I have a very full life because I'm so happy she also has a full life. The next way that this approach has transformed my own experience is, honestly, I have I feel like kind of a freedom from FOMO. I'm less likely to feel left out, and that kind of relates to the next point, so I'm just going to leave that there, and then you'll maybe understand why I feel this freedom from FOMO in my next portion. Because now I want to talk about how this actually makes my friendship stronger, right? Why this is like relationally a positive.
• 31:55
  Alex Alexander: And the first one is this idea of open communication versus keeping secrets. And this is connected to the FOMO piece, when I am encouraging my friends to have other connections, when I seem open and receptive to that. And even I'm like, cheering them on, they don't ever feel like they can't tell me they're going to do something with someone else, right? Like my friend who mentioned she wants to go to the conference, I love that. For her, she doesn't have to come up with some fumbling excuse of, like, Well, I really want to come visit you, but there's just a lot going on, like she can just say, hey, I really could use this support from this community right now, and I might prioritize that instead of trying to keep it a secret, the same with my trio of friends who what was it, Fannie and Willie, I don't want them to feel like they have to keep it a secret when they're hanging out, like, I'm not expecting them to come and give me a full report of what they did, but if it's more of this open communication, they might mention what they did and that they had a lot of fun, and they'll tell me a funny story. And you might think, like, isn't that the whole point of FOMO? Like, you wish you were there? Like, no, I'm happy they had those experiences. Sure, might I have had fun if I was there, yeah, but at least it's not a secret where I never hear about it. Maybe that's just me, but it really does make me free.
• 33:22
  Alex Alexander: Like, instead of fearing this FOMO that it's this shut off thing I don't have access to. If I had questions about what they did, or did they have fun, or did they do something silly?
• 33:34
  Alex Alexander: What was it like? Like, I could ask those and they may not share everything, because they have their own relationship, but they'll at least share some. I don't feel like I'm like, closed off and can't ask them. This is hard to articulate. I'm now realizing, but hopefully it's making enough sense. The other way it makes my friendship stronger is that our time together, I think, is more intentional. Like, yes, they have other options of people they could hang out with, but when we are choosing to be together, it feels meaningful.
• 34:05
  Alex Alexander: Another way that this makes my friendship stronger is that it brings out a different side of my friends. They may go do something that I would never do, or I've never thought to do, and now I have so many more things I can talk to them about, like, why do you want to go to that conference. Why do you love baseball so much? What did you do last night? Where did you guys decide to go? Here's an example, Michael, when he came home from hanging off the guys.
• 34:43
  Alex Alexander: There's this place in Seattle called flat stick. It's like a putt putt place bar, and they have multiple locations. And he was like, Yeah, we went to the Pioneer Square One, and then we went to the South Lake Union one. And I was like, wait, sorry. Hold on, hold on. You went to both last night. Why would you go to both? He was like, well, we wanted to play the different courses. And, of course, like, you know, the people who won at the first one.
• 35:06
  Alex Alexander: Everybody else wanted to challenge them at the second one. And I just was like, Okay, you went to the same Okay, okay, right? Like, that's more interesting to me. That's not something I would want to do.
• 35:20
  Alex Alexander: But okay, I'm happy you guys had fun. Another way that it makes my friendship stronger is it reduces any sort of codependency, like, I love that if my friends need something and I am not available, especially in a world that is like hyper individualistic, a world where people are told to solve it themselves, kind of thing, if my friend needs Help and I'm not available to help them. I'm so happy that they don't feel like they're shut down and they can't find help, that they have other people I love that I also think that there's something to be said, just about like when you're not possessive, it makes people feel free to be themselves around you, to not.
• 36:06
  Alex Alexander: Have to hide that they maybe need support in another area that you can't provide, or they have an interest that you're not interested in. That doesn't mean they don't care about me. It's they love this thing, and that's great. I want them to have that some other just like practical benefits. I kind of mentioned this earlier, like I can't be everywhere, but I can hear the stories, right? I can't fly to all these places and be around my people, but I do want them to feel like they can tell me about the things they are doing in their life. If that is a friendship that's like really surviving on catching up with each other, and you also have this kind of secrecy, where you feel like you can't tell your friends about other interactions you're having. I feel like that would make catching up with each other really hard. Like, what are you telling? What stories are you telling? I don't know you tell me that's not the relationships I have. The next one is that another practical benefit is just this idea of like, it creates space for authentic sharing and inclusion when it makes sense, which is kind of what I mentioned about Willie and Fanny right? They're not going to necessarily tell me everything they talked about, but they'll share with me anything that they want to share. And I love that, because there are also things that maybe they've told me that I wouldn't tell the third person I'm very big on. If somebody tells me something and they don't want it shared, it's on lock. The next practical benefit is this idea of social capital, right? This idea that when we have friends, and I heard this fun term on Tiktok the other day, this idea of kind of like step friends, that is just more connections in your web. They may not be your immediate connections, right, but they probably fall, maybe into that familiar friend category, like they are the friend of a friend that can be a familiar friend. You see them like at the holiday party every year, or you see them at your friend's big milestones. Like our friends that live in the south, right? Her family are, you know, I guess kind of like step friends. I don't talk to them all the time, but I love that every time I go down there and I'm around all of her family, it just feels so warm and welcoming. And I know who these people are, and we're going to really enjoy the weekend that we're together. But they aren't necessarily my closest people the way they are, are theirs. And that's social capital. That's people you could call are your closest friends, but then they have people outside in their web that if you needed some sort of support or nourishment, somebody might be in their web that could help you. Another practical benefit is just the idea that, like I love my friends, have a support system when I can't be there, if they're far away if I have to get on a plane and something hits the fan, I am so happy that they have people who can be there if I can't fly there, or until I can get there, or until I can figure out a way to support or to help divvy things up. You know, nothing will make you realize how important that is as one of those, like big, catastrophic life events, like I mentioned recently that a friend of mine lost her husband. I do not live next to her. I am so freaking thankful for every single person who does, because I can provide support in certain ways, but I can't stop by her house every day, like I need to be going over there for at least a day or two, if not more. And so I'm happy she has people she can call who can show up in person, in a way I can't.
• 40:01
  Alex Alexander: Another really practical benefit is just like other people, to celebrate wins and support people through tough times. You know, I would love to be able to fly for every milestone event My people have, I try, but you can't always do that. And so I'm happy they don't have to feel alone, and that they have people who will celebrate them in those big moments, even if it's just me sending flowers and a card or a gift or, you know, a FaceTime phone call. We're all just doing the best we can. This kind of goes back to the Social Capital One, but, you know, there's all this idea out there of, like, it's hard to make new friends as an adult. Well, you could be putting yourself in rooms where you don't know anyone, right?
• 40:45
  Alex Alexander: You could be going to a networking event or a community event where you don't know a single other person in the room, but if your friends have a robust wheel of connection, then it's a lot easier for me to potentially make new friends.
• 40:58
  Alex Alexander: Now they might become like present friends or really close friends. They also might just be a. Find friend like maybe my friend in California makes a friend who is also an author, and she connects us and we hop on Zoom, and when I'm down there, we meet up. You know, she invites this friend over to her house. And she may not become my closest friend, but maybe she's someone I reach out to about this process of writing a book, and I Alternatively, if I wanted to meet more author friends, maybe needed to go to a networking event where I felt really uncomfortable. Now, the next practical benefit is one that I think some people are going to be kind of up in arms about, but we're not going to get fully into it on this episode. Another practical benefit is conflict resolution.
• 41:51
  Alex Alexander: And by that, I mean if Willie and Fannie and I, if Willie and I get in a fight, I don't want to put Fanny in a weird position. I'm not going to go over there and, like, talk smack about Willie, but she does know Willie really well. So if my goal is to resolve the conflict, it might be worthwhile to talk to Fanny about it and be like, Hey, am I missing something here? Is there something that I should be thinking about? How might I have this conversation so that it's received? I'm not talking about talking smack about the third person. What I am talking about is, if your goal is conflict resolution, sometimes having someone who knows you well or not well, you could go to a totally different person who doesn't even know these people and be like, Hey, how would you have this conversation? Can you help me?
• 42:47
  Alex Alexander: Like my goal here is repair. And I know some people are gonna be like, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to talk to other friends about other friends. Well, I'm telling you that I do. If my goal is conflict resolution, you better bet I am asking other people if they can help me figure out how to resolve the conflict. I'm not going and talking a bunch of smack, but I will go and ask for help. And my final point here is just that it creates friendship resilience, like if one of my friendship hits a rough patch, I'm not left with nothing. And similarly, if my friendship with somebody hits a rough patch, they're not left with nothing. I don't ever want people in my life to feel like I have felt a very long time ago, like they have no one they can call. So even if it's not me, I want them to feel like they have a robust situation they can call that gives me a little peace at night and it, you know, in turn, I want to have that for myself.
• 43:46
  Alex Alexander: Now this has been a long episode. I just want to touch very quickly on addressing a couple common fears and like some resistance you might have if you're out here thinking like Alex, that's great, but they will replace me, or they will like other people better. Then I would remind you to go listen to Episode 12 about the roots of connection framework, because each friendship is a tree, right? If we're using my roots of connection like each friendship is a tree, your tree is different than those other friends tree, and all those trees can exist in the forest.
• 44:30
  Alex Alexander: And the joy of the roots of connection framework is that if you go in and you start looking at the shared experience emotional intimacy and story roots that you have with someone, I think it's a lot easier to see why your friendship, your tree, and the roots underneath it are unique compared to your friend's other, maybe local Best Friend, if you live far away, they have different roots. It's not a either or it's not a like me better or replace me. They are each unique, right? You might have all this history with your friend, but you don't live near them, and that is beautiful and unique and like can't be replaced, but you also don't live near them, so they deserve to have connection points with somebody who does. The roots are different, and I think when you can see what makes them different and unique to each person, it becomes easier to accept them and be worried about being replaced, because you see the roots you have with someone that really can't be replaced.
• 45:31
  Alex Alexander: The next one is, you know, a lot of people just kind of have a scarcity mindset when it comes to their connections, that if your friend is putting energy into other friendships, they won't have time for you, and this is where maybe you really start thinking about the idea of like reciprocity versus nourishment, right? But it doesn't need to be 100% like you to them equal trades of energy and actions like they might be.
• 46:01
  Alex Alexander: If we switch to a nourishing mindset, they might be No.
• 46:05
  Alex Alexander: Machine, another friend in a way that you don't really need nourishment, right? My friends, who are mom friends, they're nourishing each other in a way that I can't, and I'm happy they have that and that can exist, and it doesn't take away from me, if anything actually, let's say they have that support, and everybody's out here complaining, not everybody, but a good number of people are complaining like, Well, my friends have kids. I never get to see them. If they have that support, and they're less stressed, and they're spending less hours doing a million like online research tasks, they may have a couple hours to come and hang out with me, because my friends have other mom friends to call. They suddenly, instead of spending 20 hours researching food, like baby led weaning, and they can just ask a friend, and they'll be like, Hey, I have everything you need. Here's what you do, right? They got 20 minute conversation. Got all the information they need, where they could have spent 20 hours.
• 47:09
  Alex Alexander: My friend may now be like, Hey, I do have time to hang out. Ever think of it that way? Another one is just kind of this insecurity about, like, wanting to be someone's person. And I'm gonna give you the hard news.
• 47:26
  Alex Alexander: You're not the right person for everything. I'm not the right person for everything. I'll give you an example. When my friends are going through some sort of major life transition, think quitting their job and admitting they want a different type of career, or making a big move or breaking up with a long term partner, I am often the last person my friends tell they probably told everybody else before they've told me. You wanna know why? Because I'm the person that often when you tell me, I'm like, Okay, let's do it, right? You wanna end that relationship? I will come help you pack your stuff up. I will move you into my home. I will do whatever you What do you need me to do? What do you mean to do?
• 48:12
  Alex Alexander: Right? And I will be like, let's go. Start taking action. So if you're just thinking about it, if they're not sure, they don't want to tell me yet, I am not the right person to tell in the initial stages, because I'm gonna be like, Okay, let's go.
• 48:26
  Alex Alexander: So when I tell you all my other friends might know before I know, and I'm the last one to know, even with some of my closest friends, I could see that as an insecurity, or I could just accept that I'm not the right person, because I have this kind of like, let's go. I will support you through it, mindset. And finally, there's just kind of this idea that it's awkward when your friends have other friends, right? They might become other people you're influenced by the people you're around, and you may not understand parts of their life or choices they're making. And to that, I would remind you that, like lots of things are awkward, I think you kind of have to accept that to be in a friendship, right? One of my favorite quotes is, in order, is it to be friends long term, you have to experience 1000 funerals of the friends they once were.
• 49:16
  Alex Alexander: That's a ad libbed quote, but that's kind of it like, that's how you have these long term friendships. And the other practical concern is that it can be awkward if, let's say, your friends befriend someone that you don't really get along with, you don't really enjoy them, and to that, I would remember remind you like you don't have to be that new person's closest friend. You just have to exist with them. And maybe this is an opportunity to get really curious about what your close friend enjoys about that person, right? They may have different dynamics, different interests, things that they've always kept hidden, that you don't even know about, and now they're unlocking that. What a beautiful thing for you get to experience, to get to see your person, your friend, be this fuller version of who they are. So close this episode, if you're like Alex, this is such a jump for me, right? If you feel this scarcity, if you feel like your friends will replace you, if you want to be somebody's sole person, then what I would tell you is, in order to make this shift start mentally trying to find happiness in your friend's other connections.
• 50:28
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you don't need to verbalize it at first, but in your head, can you start to be like, you know, that's good.
• 50:36
  Alex Alexander: They have someone to call in the middle of the night. I don't know how I would help them with that. Like, start to mentally find those moments, and then once you feel like you're starting to really get that down mentally. Try verbalizing it.
• 50:51
  Alex Alexander: That's the moment where you can be like, Oh my gosh, you met a new neighbor. I love that. Tell me more, right? If you're not there yet, try it mentally first before you verbalize it. But if you're feeling pretty good, if you can see all the ways that this is a positive for you, then get lost. Proud, really, seriously, you want your friends to have other friends.
• 51:15
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.