Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Men Need To Think Their Wives Are Really Hot For Things To Work (And The Corollary For Women)

Transcript

Men Need To Think Their Wives Are Really Hot For Things To Work (And The Corollary For Women) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today. I am going to discuss one of my
• 0:13
  more popular blogs which is men have to be really hot.
• 0:20
  I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave that in just.
• 0:23
  That was not what I meant to say.
• 0:24
  Men don't have to be really hot. The opposite men have to think
• 0:28
  that their wives are really hot for things to work long term.
• 0:33
  But interestingly with Slip up. There is also another post that
• 0:38
  I wrote that was popular, not as popular that said, that women
• 0:44
  need to have a margin of error in order to be attracted to
• 0:48
  their partner, long term. Meaning you have to think that
• 0:51
  the guy is hot enough that when you stop being so attracted to
• 0:56
  him in a few years, you're still like not disgusted by him.
• 1:00
  So the difference, the gender difference there that I have
• 1:03
  observed in my Practice, is that things?
• 1:07
  Go a lot better when the man thinks the woman's really hot
• 1:11
  things. Go way better and in fact
• 1:13
  research bears that out. I'll link to the study that I
• 1:17
  frequently site that shows that if men think that the woman is
• 1:23
  more attractive than them, both parties are happier in the
• 1:26
  relationship. And now on the other end, women
• 1:30
  don't have to think that the guy is like so hot but they have to
• 1:34
  be Attracted to him enough that when their attraction of Roads,
• 1:39
  they're still not grossed out and they still do want to have
• 1:42
  sex with it. So that's the difference.
• 1:44
  So basically the situation with the woman who's a little bit, if
• 1:48
  not a lot hotter than the man who is still not himself,
• 1:52
  repugnant is the ideal situation.
• 1:56
  So, you know, if you're already thinking, this is not very
• 2:00
  politically correct. You're right.
• 2:02
  It isn't nothing. I say, is So that's just how it
• 2:06
  is. What I do instead of politically
• 2:09
  correct is, I draw based on both the research that I read and a
• 2:14
  lot of clinical experience? I see a lot of clients and have
• 2:17
  been doing so for over a decade, I won't tell you how much over a
• 2:24
  decade because I don't want to date myself.
• 2:28
  Anyhow. So let's get into this.
• 2:30
  So many to think that their wife is really hot.
• 2:34
  Cause they are putting up with a lot of extra shit that, you
• 2:39
  know, they didn't really plan on because men and women are both
• 2:44
  really naive when it comes to knowing how marriage is going to
• 2:47
  be long term. Nobody tells women, for example,
• 2:51
  although I hope somebody is sharing all of my podcast and
• 2:56
  blog post with their single friends because that would be
• 2:58
  really nice to do. But really until you experience
• 3:03
  it, you do not know. How precipitously most women's
• 3:07
  libido drops with in monogamy, right?
• 3:10
  So the along with your libido dropping in monogamy, you know
• 3:14
  what else drops your account. Concurrent desire to be really
• 3:19
  sweet and be really flirtatious and be really cute and nice and
• 3:23
  affectionate that goes away. When you don't want to have that
• 3:25
  much sex and it starts to become an effort.
• 3:28
  So a man who started to date a woman who what he thought is
• 3:33
  like really hot. And she is super into him, the
• 3:36
  best thing in the world because they're having sex constantly.
• 3:39
  She adores him. She thinks that he's so smart
• 3:42
  and she laughs at all of his jokes in like five years.
• 3:45
  She's still going to be hot, but she's not going to be doing all
• 3:49
  that keep stuff anymore as frequently.
• 3:52
  This is just the way the cookie crumbles, and he has to have
• 3:57
  this internal motivation that because when he still looks at
• 4:02
  her, he still feel so attracted to her.
• 4:04
  Her that it helps him, she is a desirable object still and he
• 4:09
  still wants to be nice and be sweet and do his end of the
• 4:13
  bargain even though she doesn't act as loving as she used to now
• 4:19
  is this every woman? Yes I mean I could say no but
• 4:24
  it's yes everybody stops acting quite so sweet and ready to
• 4:30
  please you after some years. This is just how it is.
• 4:34
  Men, do the exact same thing. So men also have to think that
• 4:38
  the woman is had enough to be a motivator so that they stay on
• 4:43
  their a game for longer. So even when the vicissitudes of
• 4:48
  monogamy, hit the man and the man loses a lot of his effort
• 4:55
  and motivation and drive and he starts to see her as just the
• 4:59
  same old. Same old, at least, use a hot,
• 5:02
  same old, same old now, Do I mean that she has to be real
• 5:06
  thin look like a supermodel have huge boobs.
• 5:08
  No, this like whatever this individual man finds hot and
• 5:14
  attractive is what she needs to be.
• 5:18
  Now is she going to gain some weight over the years?
• 5:20
  I'm sure if she going to still look as gorgeous with no
• 5:23
  wrinkles and dewy skin, like a seventeen-year-old know, but
• 5:28
  she's still probably going to be the same type of person that he
• 5:34
  finds. Tracked.
• 5:35
  So, this is key. I get women all the time.
• 5:39
  The come in and this is real interesting.
• 5:41
  I've never gotten a man who said this barely ever maybe once or
• 5:44
  twice, but women come in and they're like, I'm not his type.
• 5:49
  I found all his ex-girlfriend's like I looked them all up on the
• 5:53
  Internet which everybody does this and even though it sounds
• 5:56
  crazy everybody, does it? And he used to like tall blondes
• 6:01
  and I am a short brunette. Well Listen, I mean, this is not
• 6:06
  a good sign and frequently the sex has dropped off.
• 6:10
  It is not good. And again, forward this to
• 6:13
  anybody, you know, who's dating, it's not good.
• 6:15
  If you're not the person's type, that's really not a good thing,
• 6:20
  men. Usually some men don't have a
• 6:22
  type. Variety is the spice of life.
• 6:24
  But if you have a type and you're not married to your type,
• 6:29
  it's so funny. Now that I'm saying this,
• 6:31
  there's this thing on Tick-Tock. Forgive me, but I have Tweens.
• 6:35
  So I know about Tick-Tock, and on Tick-Tock to have this thing
• 6:40
  where the person shows their High School crush.
• 6:44
  And then who they married. And it's supposed to be very
• 6:47
  cute because frequently the high school Crush.
• 6:50
  Looks like the person that they got married to at least the
• 6:53
  people who record this and this, there's something to this
• 6:57
  because all these people are very happy if the high school
• 7:00
  Crush which was a celebrity, you know, so like You know, if
• 7:05
  they'd like some celebrity rock star and then the husband ends
• 7:11
  up looking like that person, these women are very happy,
• 7:14
  right? And same thing with the man,
• 7:16
  they are very happy. If they used to like one of them
• 7:18
  with Meg Ryan and the girl honestly looks a lot like Meg
• 7:21
  Ryan so bully for him. That's great.
• 7:24
  So, if you are a man and you have a type Mary that type if
• 7:29
  you liked Blondes, From the minute that you could, you know,
• 7:32
  see straight. And when you're like, Child.
• 7:35
  You always had crushes on blondes and you decide to just
• 7:38
  marry like the brunette because she's like a nice girl, she's
• 7:41
  going to make a good mother to your children.
• 7:43
  No, don't do that. So, everybody should pretty much
• 7:48
  marry their physical type but especially men because they
• 7:53
  always seem to revert to that. They don't get that out of their
• 7:56
  head. You don't spend your entire life
• 7:59
  liking one thing then deviate and then forget that you liked
• 8:02
  that previous thing. So it is a cause of concern,
• 8:07
  sometimes when women come in and they say, my husband doesn't
• 8:09
  seem that attracted to me also. I looked up all of his
• 8:12
  ex-girlfriend's and they look different than me.
• 8:14
  This is something to figure out maybe before you marry.
• 8:17
  This person that that is a red flag.
• 8:19
  So you're hearing it here first, that's a red flag.
• 8:22
  So anyhow, the reason that this is so important in addition to
• 8:27
  that it provides motivation. Is that the man genuinely if he
• 8:32
  still thinks that his wife is hot He genuinely thinks that he
• 8:36
  is lucky so he doesn't just he's not just more motivated because
• 8:41
  he thinks that he's going to have sex with her and he thinks
• 8:44
  that she's a catch. He also is happier internally.
• 8:48
  He's happy, he feels like, no matter what happens with their
• 8:51
  relationship, he still attracted to his wife and this is
• 8:55
  something that is very important for the majority of men who have
• 8:57
  a physical touch / sex love language.
• 9:00
  It's very important for a man to feel happy thinking that he is
• 9:03
  coming home to Nobody with whom. He still feels a spark and
• 9:07
  chemistry. Now, you can say this important
• 9:10
  for women to yeah it is. It's important for women to
• 9:12
  however, women do not as frequently.
• 9:15
  Have the physical touch / sex love language and in about only
• 9:20
  a third of my cases, are they the higher libido partner?
• 9:23
  Women are also less visual than men in general in terms of sex.
• 9:28
  So men will almost uniformly, watch porn to masturbate.
• 9:33
  Whereas women don't They don't need to, they can think of
• 9:36
  something else. It can be, women are actually
• 9:39
  turned on by smell a lot. But anyhow women, it's important
• 9:43
  to them also to be with somebody that they're attracted to.
• 9:47
  But it's so much less frequent for them to think.
• 9:51
  Boy, my life is so awesome because my husband is hot.
• 9:55
  I mean it's just doesn't really happen the same way that usually
• 9:59
  think G. My life is really awesome
• 10:00
  because my husband is a loving supportive guy.
• 10:04
  Guy who is a good provider and a good dad and does all of these
• 10:08
  nice things for me. That's why I'm lucky.
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  The very fact of him existing, the very fact of them walking in
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  through the door and seeing his profile in silhouette against
• 10:19
  the sunset. Does, it does not make them the
• 10:22
  same level of happy. That it seems to make men in my
• 10:26
  clinical experience. When they perceive their
• 10:29
  wife-to-be, still, their type and somebody to whom they are
• 10:33
  very Actin. So with women, what do women
• 10:39
  really need? It's a little bit different.
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  As I said, they need to be attracted to the man enough that
• 10:45
  when their attraction drops within monogamy, they still are
• 10:50
  attracted. So this goes a lot to like real
• 10:54
  specific things for women. Like some women really, really
• 10:59
  do. Not like when the guy is sloppy
• 11:02
  and like where is like old clothes.
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  Close and like looks real messy. Some women, that's like a huge
• 11:08
  turnoff. So this is actually a positive
• 11:12
  thing because you can you can change the clothes on the man
• 11:16
  that you are wearing easier than you could change like his height
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  or his weight or something like that.
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  So, or women will really like, a man whose freshly as a haircut
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  and he shaved, he smells good and he showered.
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  So this is another thing that is really easy to change.
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  However, there are some things that are not so easy to change.
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  Each. So you don't want to marry a man
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  that has different body type than what you find attractive.
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  A lot of women don't want a guy who's a certain height or weight
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  for example. And if you are going to
• 11:49
  compromise on that because you feel that, he's a nice guy and
• 11:55
  that you should like him, well then what's going to happen in
• 12:00
  five years when you don't want to have sex with him anymore at
• 12:03
  all, This is not so nice anymore, it's not nice for you.
• 12:07
  It's not nice for him, and it's not nice for potentially, the
• 12:12
  kids that will be, you know, hurt when the relationship at
• 12:16
  some point ends. So you have to as a woman, be
• 12:21
  very cognizant of the fact that unlike met like most men, even
• 12:26
  if they don't find the woman attractive anymore, which is,
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  you know, less common than women saying, usually the man, still
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  finds a woman attractive. Even if she's gained weight,
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  even if she looks different. He still thinks she's pretty
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  attractive, especially if again. She, he used to find her very,
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  very attractive, but women can frequently Crush through the
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  floor of this and just find the man completely disgusting.
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  After their libido goes down in monogamy, so they don't have
• 12:54
  enough testosterone to spare. They don't have enough innate
• 12:57
  sex drive that they are then going to take a 2, still want to
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  have sex with a man that they do not find attractive.
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  So although you do not need to find the man who is the hottest
• 13:09
  guy in the room. You need to find a man that you
• 13:14
  can look at straight on naked and they are appealing to you.
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  If you can't when you are dating, how in the hell, is it
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  going to work when you are married and especially after
• 13:28
  kids, when your libido really dropped?
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  You are neither going to be able to look at them straight ahead
• 13:33
  in the eyes with Zon, you're not gonna want to look at them at
• 13:36
  all, and they are going to pick up on this and nobody deserves
• 13:40
  to feel like that. So when people minimize the
• 13:45
  importance of physical attraction and sexual chemistry,
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  they are really doing themselves a disservice and there it's like
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  a PC kind of naive way of viewing the world.
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  It would be nice if we could say.
• 14:00
  Oh yeah, that guy / woman, they are really nice.
• 14:04
  Are going to make a great partner to somebody, they're
• 14:06
  loyal, they're sweet, I'm not personally attracted to them.
• 14:10
  But you know what? Our marriage is going to work
• 14:12
  out just fine because of these deeper issues, you know these
• 14:16
  deeper positive things about them.
• 14:19
  No. I mean I just have never seen it
• 14:22
  work. In fact, people feel deeply
• 14:25
  desperately unhappy in this exact situation when they are
• 14:29
  not attracted to a partner anymore, that they know
• 14:33
  intellectually Is it supposed to be on paper what they want and
• 14:39
  what they, what is good for them?
• 14:41
  And this is really a real crappy position to be it.
• 14:45
  You know, one time somebody wrote in to my blog about, I
• 14:48
  found my soul mate online. I'll link to this in the
• 14:51
  description, but I find her unattractive and person and I
• 14:54
  was like, no way get out of that.
• 14:56
  Now, there is nothing. Ever men.
• 15:01
  Do not ever. The looks of a woman never grow
• 15:04
  on. A man, this is this can happen
• 15:06
  in the inverse. So not when you think somebody's
• 15:08
  terrible, like then they never become a hot guy to you.
• 15:12
  But if you think that a guy is just okay, the better that you
• 15:15
  get to know him his personality, then you could start to think
• 15:19
  he's really attractive. I've seen this happen with how
• 15:21
  women feel about men and then they sustain that feeling about
• 15:25
  being attracted to the man, but with men, they know, instantly
• 15:29
  instantaneously, if they think the woman is attractive.
• 15:33
  I mean, they are just more Straight Up physical and visual
• 15:37
  and they know and if you see in the first five seconds, if
• 15:41
  you're a man that does not want to sleep with a woman that
• 15:44
  should never be a woman that you end up in a relationship with of
• 15:48
  any sort. It's not fair to her women, want
• 15:53
  to be adore, they want to, they want somewhat of that fairy tale
• 15:57
  of, being the princess put on the pedestal and while life is
• 16:01
  not a fairytale you know, it's going to be A lot easier to act
• 16:06
  romantic to and adoring to a woman that you find physically
• 16:11
  appealing than one that you don't, she will always know that
• 16:14
  something is lacking. And, you know, similarly, every
• 16:20
  man deserves sometimes wants to feel like they're in a porno,
• 16:24
  right? How's it going to feel like a
• 16:26
  porno if you're trying to like, kind of not look exactly right
• 16:29
  at him because if you do, then he looks kind of, you know like
• 16:32
  something you don't want to be in bed with.
• 16:34
  Men can pick up on that too. So what do you do?
• 16:38
  If you're in a situation where you're listening to this and you
• 16:42
  wish that you could forward it to your spouse with a cute?
• 16:44
  Little note from a man to a woman or vice versa about how I
• 16:48
  always knew that the physical chemistry was there with you,
• 16:50
  thankfully, we have that going for us, so that would be a nice
• 16:54
  thing to do. By the way, if you're a man
• 16:55
  listening to my podcast to forward it to your wife and say,
• 16:59
  thank God, we're not in this situation.
• 17:01
  I am, in fact, very attracted to you As I always have been.
• 17:06
  But what if you're, somebody who's listening, when you're not
• 17:08
  in this situation? So what if you are in the
• 17:12
  situation where you're listening and you're like oh my God, this
• 17:15
  is verbalizing. What?
• 17:17
  I don't like to think about which is that I'm completely not
• 17:19
  attracted to my spouse at all. And when I come back and think
• 17:23
  about it, I really wasn't ever terribly attracted to them.
• 17:26
  But now, I'm really not what with monogamy and you know,
• 17:32
  agent, if you are in a situation where you're not attracted to
• 17:36
  your spouse and this is something that you think about
• 17:40
  It makes you deeply unhappy. Let me tell you.
• 17:43
  First of all, the, you are not the actor slash actress that you
• 17:46
  think you are. Nobody, is I tell this to people
• 17:49
  all the time, people think they're very good actor.
• 17:51
  They're not. So, if they already know your
• 17:53
  spouse knows something is wrong, maybe they think you're
• 17:56
  cheating. Maybe they think that you're
• 17:57
  just a jerk. Maybe they are, developing
• 17:59
  horrible self-esteem issues because they have picked up on
• 18:02
  the actual problem, which is that you're just not that into
• 18:04
  them. This is a situation.
• 18:07
  I mean people can make their individual decisions, but do I I
• 18:10
  personally believe that either either partner deserves to stay
• 18:15
  together forever in this situation.
• 18:18
  I really do not, you know, because I've seen the
• 18:21
  self-esteem problems that emerge on the, on the part of the
• 18:26
  partner who knows? They're picking up on that, you
• 18:29
  don't find them that attractive. That is a terrible crushing
• 18:33
  burden and somebody out there will find them attractive
• 18:36
  somebody out. There will think that they're
• 18:37
  great and it's not So in this situation, you really have to
• 18:43
  think deeply about whether or not you want to stay together
• 18:47
  long term. Now, there are some exceptions
• 18:49
  to this. So if you are experiencing
• 18:52
  horrible, marital conflict, then you could feel not attracted to
• 18:56
  your spouse because you hate them and it's hard to be
• 18:59
  attracted to somebody that you hate.
• 19:01
  And so you would have to, in that case, go to couples
• 19:04
  counseling work through some of your major issues and then see
• 19:08
  if your attraction rebounds this, It would only be relevant
• 19:11
  to the case where you were originally attracted to this
• 19:14
  person in a situation where you were feeling bad about yourself
• 19:18
  bad about your prospects for the future.
• 19:20
  So you settled for somebody that you were never that into and
• 19:25
  this feeling has only worsened and worsened over the years to
• 19:28
  the point that it is now interfering with your sex life,
• 19:31
  interfering with your happiness and interfering with with your
• 19:34
  relationship in general. Then this is something to go to
• 19:37
  therapy individually and Whether or not you want to remain in
• 19:42
  this difficult situation, you know, you made your bed doesn't
• 19:47
  mean that you have to lie in it forever, especially if lying in.
• 19:50
  It is also potentially ruining somebody else's life and
• 19:53
  self-esteem. So this it starts out like, you
• 19:57
  know, a fun topic of physical attraction.
• 19:59
  But when you're a couple's counselor and you see, you know,
• 20:03
  the, the bad consequences of people trying to remain in
• 20:07
  situations where there is and really never It was much
• 20:11
  attraction then it stops being such a fun topic.
• 20:13
  So if you're in that situation where you would never want to
• 20:17
  send this podcast to your partner because you, you are in
• 20:21
  this situation where you are not attracted to them, then that's
• 20:25
  at the point at which you would want to reach out for individual
• 20:28
  therapy and work with somebody on whether this can actually be
• 20:32
  solved or not. You know, and I have people who
• 20:36
  wrote in about this issue on my blog and I can link you.
• 20:40
  To the one that's written about the most, which is a guy whose
• 20:44
  wife is obese and he had an obese mother.
• 20:47
  And he just is, has this trigger of obesity, and he's just very
• 20:53
  upset and wants to stay, but he doesn't think he can, it gets a
• 20:58
  lot of reader comments so you could go down that rabbit hole
• 21:01
  if you like. I think some people say I'm a
• 21:03
  horrible person for writing it that wouldn't be the first time
• 21:06
  wouldn't be the last time. But anyhow, I hope that you
• 21:09
  enjoyed this Podcast. And that it really underscored
• 21:13
  for you, the importance of listening to your true on
• 21:17
  authentic feelings about a person that you want to be with
• 21:22
  you, no. And if you did happen to make
• 21:24
  the right choice, when you are picking a partner and you are
• 21:27
  still very attracted to them, certainly send them this podcast
• 21:30
  because you have something going for you.
• 21:33
  That a lot of people don't have and the power of this physical
• 21:36
  attraction, and Spark and in love romantic.
• 21:40
  Les may not be there all the time in a long-term monogamous
• 21:44
  relationship, but the fact of the attraction and the spark and
• 21:47
  the, you know, ebbing and flowing as is normal of that in
• 21:51
  love, romantic feeling you're already ahead of the game.
• 21:54
  So you have something in your relationship that many people
• 21:59
  who are in the other situation that I described would envy.
• 22:03
  So oh and of course, if you are single use my advice really.
• 22:10
  Oh Only date people who are your type and if you're a man only
• 22:14
  date women that you deeply find attractive.
• 22:17
  And if you're a woman, never date a man that you think is, in
• 22:20
  any way repulsive, don't just don't repulse.
• 22:24
  It is not going to get better for you.
• 22:26
  Average could go into high average or even cute for you
• 22:29
  depending on the personality. But if you're ever even have
• 22:32
  that, like yuck feeling do that, man, a favor and stay the hell
• 22:37
  away from him. So he can find somebody else who
• 22:39
  thinks that Is great. Right?
• 22:42
  Everybody. Deserves to be, you know in a
• 22:44
  relationship with somebody who's attracted to them.
• 22:47
  All right guys, that's a wrap. Please be sure to subscribe for
• 22:51
  bonus content and follow me on Facebook, dr.
• 22:55
  Psych mom and reach out with topic ideas.
• 22:59
  Thanks so much have a great day.