Latest / Questionable Detour / Framing people for pooping in public, calling in bomb threats, and living with a Nazi

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Framing people for pooping in public, calling in bomb threats, and living with a Nazi · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
Well, in my life, Silver is not dead.
0:27
So, you know, naturally, I will go open the door for my wife.
0:31
She'll go to the car door I'll open the door for.
0:33
You know, just being Silver is...
0:35
Good husband.
0:36
Being just a prime example of a good husband.
0:39
Well, Alan and I were gonna go grab something and we were walking towards my car and I,
0:44
just out of inclination and instinct, walked to the door and like opened it for him.
0:50
I didn't...
0:51
There was no thought.
0:52
It was just rote habit.
0:53
And I was like, oh, I'm not doing this for you. This isn't happening for you.
0:58
You can open the door yourself.
1:00
The gayest thing I've ever done.
1:01
It's legit.
1:02
It just...
1:02
For the sake of Pride Month, gayest thing I've ever done.
1:05
Yeah, that just seems really awkward.
1:07
Alan's like, this is what he thinks of me.
1:09
It was kind of weird at first, but then I, you know, you start to feel pretty.
1:13
You do.
1:14
You know.
1:16
You're like, I feel desired.
1:19
It's nice to be loved.
1:21
He got, you know, he got in the car and then I walked around.
1:24
Notice I got in the driver's seat.
1:26
I just catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye.
1:30
I had my like index finger just kind of twirling my hair, you know,
1:35
blushing like an anime character.
1:39
I'd look at him.
1:40
He'd look away, but you could tell there's a little smile as he looked out the passenger side window.
1:45
I made him feel good.
1:46
Yeah, there was a spark there.
1:47
There was a...
1:48
And while we're going to the place, I pulled out my diary.
1:52
Dear diary.
1:53
It was that question mark.
1:56
And then closed it.
1:57
Yeah.
1:58
You hadn't thought about this one before.
2:00
I didn't know this was a possibility.
2:02
This one caught me off guard.
2:05
Things that are gay, they aren't gay.
2:08
How about sitting down with a laptop in your lap?
2:11
It's gay, but it's not gay.
2:15
Your knees are all touching.
2:16
You kind of got like a little hand.
2:19
Yeah, your wrists are bent over.
2:21
Your body is more bent than it normally is when you do that.
2:27
You look a little nervous.
2:28
For some reason, it just gives off a very feminine type vibe there.
2:32
So I think that's gay without being gay.
2:34
Because you're just like kind of huddled.
2:37
It's kind of gay to be huddled.
2:40
I don't know.
2:41
That's why you don't like that part in football where they're all the players.
2:44
They're all hugging on each other, talking to each other, whispering to each other.
2:48
It's just a little gay to be hunched.
2:50
Going downstairs quickly.
2:53
Kind of gay.
2:54
Like you're in a hurry?
2:55
Yeah.
2:56
A lot of hip movement.
2:58
A lot of hip movement.
3:00
You can feel your butt kind of shaking.
3:02
Yeah, your upper body is not really moving.
3:04
It's all lower body.
3:06
See, it's a little gay.
3:08
Drinking out of a straw.
3:10
It feels gay.
3:12
The suction.
3:13
It feels gay.
3:15
Maybe barefoot is a little gay.
3:16
It's just a vulnerability that I don't enjoy.
3:20
You know.
3:20
Maybe that speaks more about me than anything else.
3:23
No, I'm kind of agreeing with you.
3:25
See, at a similar vein, I'm going to say wearing flip flops.
3:30
Flip flops, yeah, I agree.
3:31
It's just a vulnerability.
3:32
I just, it's not a straight guy thing.
3:35
Putting a picture in a picture frame feels kind of gay.
3:39
I don't know if there's a straight way to put a picture in a picture frame.
3:41
Uh-uh.
3:43
You shouldn't be doing it.
3:44
It feels like you're not qualified as a straight man.
3:48
Yeah, like you shouldn't be documenting things.
3:51
You're a man, you know.
3:54
Drinking hot chocolate.
3:57
It's kind of gay.
3:58
Kind of gay, yeah.
4:03
Have a cup of coffee that doesn't taste good like every other man.
4:06
Like a Civil War soldier.
4:08
Have that thing black.
4:09
Break out your bent tin cup and drink that coffee.
4:13
You're homeless?
4:16
Oh, you're straight.
4:18
Having a house, kind of gay.
4:20
Live on the street.
4:23
Using a spoon to eat things that could be used with a fork.
4:27
Oh, that's a good point.
4:28
Use too much of your mouth.
4:30
As a man, you need to be ready to stab at all times.
4:34
It's true.
4:34
Using a fork, big stab energy.
4:37
Yeah.
4:37
Spooning.
4:38
Spoon is just merely scooping.
4:41
Yeah, and usually with the spoon, especially if it's an odd shaped thing
4:45
that you would usually use a fork for, then it's going to be falling off the spoon
4:48
and you're going to be like digging for it.
4:51
You're going to be looking ditzy, just like digging for something.
4:54
Be a man, use a fork.
4:58
Carrying a plant kind of feels gay.
5:03
Just transporting a plant.
5:04
And it's funny because carrying crops overtly masculine.
5:09
Yeah, very masculine.
5:10
Very straight.
5:12
Moment you have a small.
5:14
Ficus.
5:17
There's a very gay way to eat a banana and a very straight way to eat a banana.
5:21
You'll know this, right?
5:21
You'll know the banana.
5:23
When you eat a banana, you're supposed to go hand to mouth.
5:26
This is the straight way.
5:28
If you go mouth to hand.
5:30
A little gay.
5:32
Yeah.
5:33
Yeah.
5:34
A little.
5:34
It just looks a little bit different.
5:37
A little different energy to that.
5:38
Yeah, I agree.
5:39
And I guess the same with the same with a hot dog.
5:41
Yeah, I mean, really popsicle really hand to mouth is the way you want it.
5:46
Unless you're gay and then, you know, go for it.
5:51
Having to take more than one trip to get the groceries in the house.
5:57
You should be looking like like a pack of pack mule.
6:00
Yeah, carrying those groceries back.
6:02
You should look like you're carrying a small family out west.
6:06
You set those groceries down and you tell your wife that I have to take in the trip.
6:08
You might as well get in the car and leave.
6:10
You better just not even come back in there.
6:12
You know, you need to take another husband because this one isn't working out.
6:16
Throwing something underhand.
6:19
Kind of gay.
6:20
I was kind of going to throw it overhand.
6:21
Yeah, like, like, you know, when somebody's not far away enough to throw something overhand.
6:27
And it's like, yeah, it's just it's just soft.
6:31
Just I think even one day when you have a son and he's too young for the overhand thing,
6:37
it doesn't matter.
6:37
Throw it overhand at him.
6:38
Why don't you peg him in the face with that baseball?
6:41
Do I sound I can't do it underhand can't it's too gay.
6:44
It's too gay.
6:46
It's just gay to do it that way.
6:47
I'm going to throw you a fastball.
6:49
It's gay for you to catch it with your face.
6:53
Eating vegetables.
6:54
But yeah, there you go.
6:55
I, you know, there's nothing like three straight men just making judgment calls on dumb activities
7:03
for pride.
7:03
But you know, all the questionable detour, the most politically correct podcast.
7:12
Can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
7:16
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
7:20
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
7:22
So today our hypothetical revolves around something that everybody has most likely been through.
7:27
It's one of those situations where you're in a public place, maybe on public transport,
7:31
in a movie theater at some kind of sporting event.
7:35
Maybe you've had a big greasy meal before that event and all of a sudden it hits you code red.
7:43
You have to take a massive dump, but there is no way or it will be and it will be very difficult
7:50
for you to get to the bathroom to relieve yourself.
7:54
How do you guys distract yourself and or get to the bathroom so you don't have a public incident?
8:02
What's happened to this podcast?
8:05
For me, when I'm on public transport and you know, I'm seeing stars and
8:12
the lights beginning to fade because my butt cheeks are clenching just
8:16
so immensely hard. Just taking everything in my body to keep what's in already in.
8:22
It's kind of like the scene or you know in movies whenever somebody's putting a lock on a door and
8:28
they're like, oh, what are you trying to keep out?
8:30
Yeah.
8:30
They're like, no, I'm trying to keep something in.
8:32
Yeah.
8:32
That's me on public transportation.
8:35
It's interesting this only happens on public transportation for you.
8:38
Yeah, it really only happens in public.
8:42
I think I just get distracted.
8:43
I think I just get nervous a lot and it just really just works my bowels.
8:52
And what I have to do in those situations is what stops the public
8:58
and fans out the public more than a bomb threat.
9:03
So I'll call a quick one in down 9-1-1.
9:06
You already sound nervous and sweaty when you call the 9-1-1 because you're
9:10
out of breath.
9:11
Yeah, I'm out of breath from straining. I'm like, I think there's a bomb on bus 9.
9:21
It's about to explode.
9:27
And then, yeah, so I just start yelling throughout the bus, just warning them of the bomb.
9:33
There's a bomb.
9:34
There's a bomb. And again, I'm sweating. They see I'm,
9:37
I look like someone that is the dying stages of a fever.
9:44
I look like someone in the olden times when they got a fever and they just couldn't cure it.
9:49
Yeah.
9:49
People died from fever.
9:50
They just lay in bed and pat a wet cloth on your head.
9:53
Yeah, that was going to save you.
9:55
That's what I look like when I just have a fat one cooking.
10:02
And I'm just splayed back on the chair.
10:05
Thankfully, you kind of blend in because once you start calling out bomb threats,
10:10
you look as nervous as everybody else.
10:11
Yeah.
10:12
Just for a very different reason.
10:13
And so-
10:14
Except for you're sitting up really straight like you've got just a pole going straight up your butt
10:20
like a scarecrow.
10:23
Well, you know, you got to stay high and tight. You got to keep all the muscles clenched
10:27
or something might leak out. And once the dam breaks, it's,
10:32
you're flooding the valley.
10:33
Yeah, you're ruining people's crops.
10:37
No, I like to imagine that you call in this,
10:39
but I like to imagine that you call this in and then you have like police dispatch to the area.
10:45
You have SWAT teams, the helicopter flying around this bus that you're on.
10:51
You're sitting on the window side of the bus, just looking nervous.
10:55
Like you're obviously, you obviously have a bomb.
10:57
Yeah.
10:58
You're looking nervous. The cops are like surrounding you like with the mega horn mean
11:03
like, sir, please defuse the bomb.
11:07
They brought out the hostage negotiator.
11:10
Yeah. Cause all the people are still on there.
11:14
He's trying to send in pizzas and you're like, good God, no,
11:18
that's the last thing I need right now.
11:20
Does anyone have a bucket?
11:23
Just because you've gotten so deep into this terrorist situation,
11:27
you're having to like write your own manifesto.
11:29
Here's calling news outlets, you know, with some kind of weird belief that you have,
11:33
there should be more bathrooms in the United States.
11:36
I'm writing notes to like my loved ones.
11:39
Like if there's one thing I could wish for you in life, it's to always be near a toilet.
11:44
Which is very funny because it would be, it does the opposite of what you wanted.
11:48
Yeah. Once you get into the bomb situation, you're like, I didn't really think this through.
11:52
Yeah. Cause now I've stopped the bus.
11:54
Just hours of being held up with that bus on the freeway.
12:00
Yeah.
12:01
Network news is like zooming into you, just sweating in the window of that bus.
12:08
Just like bending over random things because you're trying to clench your muscles.
12:13
It looks like the OJ coverage is just a, just a really slow moving vehicle cops all around.
12:19
You're not getting out of there alive.
12:20
And I'm just like pacing the bus, like, you know how people walk like really short steps,
12:26
just trying to keep their butt cheeks together.
12:28
And put your hand on each seat, just propping yourself up.
12:32
Like I might throw up at any minute just cause how much I'm trying to keep this other stuff in.
12:37
You obvi, you look nervous to the people on the bus.
12:40
You're just like, oh God, oh God.
12:44
It seems like you're sending yourself to Allah at any time.
12:48
Exactly.
12:49
What I think, I think it was good at the beginning, but now that we've kind of talked it out,
12:53
it seems kind of productive to your end goal.
12:55
It was, it, it works at scattering people.
12:59
It does.
12:59
It gets people away from you to give you more space to process.
13:03
I think that tactic would be better used for maybe being in a building, you know, because then,
13:08
then you could just run to the bathroom.
13:09
You would just run, you would just, you know, run with the panicking crowd to the nearest bathroom.
13:15
Yeah.
13:15
So maybe only do this one if you're in a place with a bathroom.
13:19
Yeah.
13:20
On a bus might be kind of difficult.
13:23
It seems like a very weird reenactment of the movie speed.
13:26
Yeah.
13:26
Where you're like the bus can't go below a certain speed.
13:29
Otherwise it blows up, you know?
13:30
Yeah.
13:31
Maybe that's how I got to, I got to work it is I got to make it a speed reenactment.
13:36
Airport, sporting events, all very good places.
13:40
Got to kind of call in that bomb threat, especially when you're waiting in the long line
13:43
in a public bathroom, you're like, I got to go right now.
13:46
Yeah.
13:46
You know, you call in the bomb threat while you're in line.
13:49
The person behind you.
13:50
Clear everybody out.
13:51
Yeah.
13:51
You're like two out.
13:52
You're like, what is going on?
13:56
You just do it nonchalantly too.
14:04
911, what's your emergency?
14:07
Hey, is this 911?
14:08
911.
14:13
Yeah, this is 911.
14:15
What is your emergency?
14:17
How are you today?
14:18
I'm doing well, sir.
14:19
This is an emergency line.
14:21
Oh, no.
14:21
Do you have an emergency?
14:23
Yeah, there's a, oh my God.
14:26
There's a bomb.
14:28
I don't know what bus I'm on.
14:31
Hey, hey, what bus is this?
14:33
You're sitting next to somebody calling this in.
14:37
Oh, bus 283.
14:42
We're going west on Jackson.
14:44
Oh my God.
14:46
There's a bomb.
14:47
There's a bomb.
14:48
There's a bomb.
14:49
It's in my pants.
14:51
There's a bomb.
14:51
Sir, are you saying there's a bomb in your pants?
14:53
There's a bomb in my pants and I'm on the bus.
14:56
Please help.
14:58
Please help me.
14:59
Help me?
15:00
Oh my God.
15:01
It's going to freaking explode.
15:06
Sir, please remain calm.
15:07
Do not discharge the bomb.
15:09
Police will be arriving shortly.
15:12
That's great.
15:14
That's great.
15:16
Is it okay if I just yell to the whole bus that there's a bomb?
15:19
No, sir.
15:19
Please do not incite any panic with the civilians on the bus.
15:23
Okay.
15:24
Well, they're going to want to get out of here.
15:28
They're going to, they're not going to want to.
15:31
Oh, I want to be here.
15:34
That guy next to you is probably freaking out.
15:37
Is it in that little seat next to you on that bus?
15:39
Yeah.
15:39
He's going to start screaming bomb.
15:42
He's going to be the one that does it.
15:43
Yeah.
15:45
Oh, I think that's good.
15:47
I think, yeah, within minutes you would have a whole SWAT team situation.
15:50
Yeah.
15:51
I couldn't tell if you had the poop or masturbating.
15:54
It was a very confusing noise that you were making.
15:57
A little bit of both.
15:58
Oh, God.
15:59
Oh, man.
16:00
I think that's great.
16:00
I think a bomb calling it a bomb threat, you know, sit on a situation basis.
16:05
Yeah.
16:05
It's a case by case basis.
16:07
Yeah.
16:07
It's kind of like butt sex.
16:10
Okay.
16:10
The situation by case by case basis.
16:12
I think that might work.
16:13
I mean, you will go to prison for sure, but like Ellie, so you'll get rid of the.
16:17
You get a bathroom.
16:18
If you say there's bathrooms.
16:19
Right there.
16:19
Yeah.
16:20
You free to use it whenever you want.
16:21
That's right.
16:23
Free.
16:23
I mean, yeah, loose term for prison, but yeah, I mean, so we're lining.
16:27
I'll never run into the situation where I'm stuck in public.
16:30
Haven't used the bathroom.
16:31
Right.
16:32
So, I mean, really good silver lining there.
16:34
Glass half full mentality.
16:36
Yeah.
16:36
Calling a bomb threat.
16:37
Alan code red.
16:39
Got to go to the bathroom.
16:40
Just ate.
16:40
Just you went to a shellfish clam cook and you just you you committed the sin of gluttony
16:50
and it's code red.
16:51
You're at a wedding.
16:53
Oof.
16:54
At a funeral.
16:55
You're just in a public situation.
16:57
What do you do to distract yourself or get out of the situation to get to a bathroom?
17:03
First, I like to assess the situation.
17:05
I like to look inward.
17:06
Just really create a mental image of maybe maybe what the situation down there looks like.
17:16
You never you never you never seen like below your waist.
17:20
Well, what I'm actually referring to is the the movement that that might be happening.
17:26
Like the the prairie dogs hearing a noise outside.
17:29
Sure.
17:29
It needs to go investigate.
17:30
Oh, OK.
17:31
I was thinking like the viscosity.
17:33
Well, that's what I was.
17:34
Yeah.
17:34
OK.
17:34
OK.
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
Like the you know.
17:36
OK.
17:37
Yeah.
17:37
Like is is this going to be I don't know.
17:39
Let's use a day at the water park.
17:43
Is this going to be old faithful?
17:45
Let's hope not.
17:47
Is this going to be just this is going to be the logging company creating some two by four.
17:51
Yeah.
17:51
I'm saying it's going to be like a steering column from a Hyundai Tucson.
17:56
What?
17:56
What is what is this going to be?
18:00
I don't know.
18:00
Rock slide down the mountainside.
18:03
But you have to assess the situation.
18:04
And I think it's best to in an effort to take your mind off of it,
18:10
pull the room that you're in.
18:13
OK.
18:14
Walk around to everybody in the room and ask them what their worst experience was.
18:18
OK.
18:19
Get everybody else involved in the situation.
18:21
Yeah. I think what's really important to do is if you're having a bad day to just kind of
18:25
don't don't sit in that alone, bring others down with you.
18:30
Yeah.
18:30
So tell them how you're feeling.
18:31
Tell them you are just I mean you are cramping all kind of ways.
18:36
You're just leaning over the seat at this wedding being like, dude, I have to take a dump.
18:41
I mean, you are sweating.
18:45
You are just absolutely pouring your your hands.
18:50
You can't hold your hands straight.
18:52
It looks like you're trying to do speed sign language.
18:55
You just you just you can't concentrate.
18:58
And all you need is these people to just tell you it's going to be OK.
19:01
Tell me your worst experience.
19:03
I know I could see you here.
19:04
So I know you made it through.
19:06
You're looking for somebody to relate to.
19:07
You're looking for somebody to you.
19:09
They're like, why don't you go to the bathroom?
19:12
You're like, I don't need a solution here, sir.
19:14
I just want you to listen to me.
19:16
Yeah.
19:16
I just want you to listen.
19:17
Stop trying to fix it.
19:18
I just want you to listen.
19:20
You just want to know that you got to go to the bathroom.
19:24
Yeah.
19:24
I mean, you want to you want to know that that you're not alone in this,
19:28
that other people have gone through it before.
19:31
So you're just going person to person in this situation, just being like, yeah,
19:35
I got you know, I got to take a dump.
19:37
It's code red right now.
19:39
Yeah.
19:39
You're just looking for a shoulder to kind of set your sweaty head on head on.
19:43
That's right.
19:43
That's right.
19:44
I'd be interested to see the person behind you and what they what they have to say about it.
19:48
You know, sitting in the row behind you at a wedding, you know, you just kind of,
19:52
you just kind of turn around, find you.
19:56
Can you imagine Alan turning around in this situation, sweating,
19:59
face red, looking like an insane person, slowly turning around.
20:04
You don't want to move too fast.
20:05
No, not not at all.
20:07
Not at all.
20:08
My hands bent like a grappling hook, you know, just like turning around, clawing at the at the pews.
20:15
You're not saying it to you're just mouthing.
20:17
I have to go poop.
20:19
Tell me your worst story.
20:22
And they're like, brighter groom.
20:25
Like, who are you?
20:26
Who are you here with?
20:28
Yeah, you weren't invited.
20:29
No, no, it wasn't.
20:30
Wasn't invited.
20:31
This is even a situation where you could go to the bathroom at any time.
20:34
You're just you just need an excuse to talk to some people.
20:37
Yeah, I've been feeling really like lonely.
20:39
Yeah, you just need some human connection.
20:43
Yeah, I think you could talk to people about the weather and talk to them about work.
20:47
But I mean, where is that really going to get you in the grand scheme of things?
20:50
If you want to know somebody, you need to know them at their core and at their weakest moment.
20:56
And you call people's intestines their core.
20:59
I call the intestines the core.
21:00
It's like the core of the body.
21:03
And everybody has to poop.
21:04
So really, you're relating to everybody on a very foundational level.
21:09
Yeah, yeah, I think I think so.
21:10
And there are people who act like they're too good to have the conversation.
21:15
Especially when you're really getting close to them and like whispering in their ear.
21:19
I'm just trying to make it more convenient for them to hear me.
21:23
Do you maybe back up on somebody to really kind of to make the situation very real to them?
21:28
You're like holding a gun to their head going,
21:30
tell me tell me your worst situation or you get it.
21:34
Yeah, I want to let them know that something's on the line.
21:39
Their shoes, their shoes.
21:41
It will be their shoes, whatever I'm backed up next to, you know, I mean,
21:47
nobody nobody's safe unless you do what I want you to do.
21:51
And that's tell me about your worst poop experience.
21:53
I love how you and Evan have weaponized this situation
21:57
in almost a terrorist way.
21:59
Almost.
22:01
Not quite, though.
22:03
I mean, you know, Alan's been like, man, this works really well.
22:07
And he's going around going around robbing like convenience stores with this method.
22:11
Be like, give me all your money or you get it.
22:14
Turned around and been over like a cannon ready to be shot.
22:18
But I'm still just absolutely sweating bullets.
22:20
Yeah.
22:21
You know, my face is probably turned yellow.
22:24
Your legs are getting weak.
22:26
Yeah.
22:26
Yeah.
22:27
He started crawling against.
22:28
I look sort of like a Smeagol esque person crawling around.
22:32
Not I can't speak coherently.
22:35
I have I've reverted to third person.
22:39
You're just ruining every situation.
22:40
They're like, please don't invite Alan.
22:42
He's going to have to go to the bathroom and he's not going to go.
22:44
He's just going to try.
22:45
He's just going to let everybody know about it.
22:46
They're like, you know how he gets if he knows he's going somewhere on a Friday,
22:51
he won't poop past Tuesday and drink laxatives on the day.
22:56
Oh, like he was just down.
22:58
He'll take magnesium citrate.
23:03
He will never hear the end of it.
23:05
And he won't show up until that first like belly noise of everything moving around.
23:09
And you're like, it's time to go.
23:10
I guess he calls it his internal clock.
23:14
He waits in the car until the first grumble and then then he puts on his sunglasses and goes
23:20
showtime.
23:22
I mean, he walks up to the event like a person that's been stranded in the desert,
23:26
finally getting into the town, just kind of limping and all sweaty and tattered.
23:32
I think that's good.
23:33
I think bring the other people in on the situation.
23:38
Man was not made to live alone.
23:41
No.
23:42
And I think it's just important to have others in your life that can shoulder
23:47
these really weird burdens with you.
23:51
Take the stigma away from the situation.
23:53
Everybody's been in this situation.
23:54
You might as well get everybody in on your situation.
23:57
That's great.
23:58
My method is a lot like Alan's where I involve other people.
24:02
But unlike Alan, I don't want anybody to know that I'm going through this situation.
24:06
So I'm not necessarily taking your path.
24:08
I want to frame other people for the bathroom event.
24:14
I'm code red sitting in this event.
24:16
What I do is I hit this situation and I relieve myself.
24:21
So I do what I need to do.
24:22
But I don't go to the bathroom.
24:24
What I do is I sneak up behind people and I just drop a small part of it right behind them.
24:35
Just a little bit, just a little bit right behind them.
24:37
Can I stop you right here?
24:39
You go ahead.
24:39
This is an audio medium.
24:41
So listeners are missing out on a key part of Zach's story as he is holding his hand up
24:46
and twiddling his fingers.
24:48
Are you dropping it with your hands?
24:52
You know, sometimes I have to.
24:54
Sometimes the situation reveals itself quite precarious or maybe I just want to stick it
25:00
in somebody's pocket.
25:01
Oh, wow.
25:04
You know, I chimpanzee it.
25:06
You know what I'm saying?
25:07
I'm just kind of going right from the source in the hand, stick it in somebody's pocket.
25:12
Sometimes just like a rabbit, I just squat down right behind the standing person.
25:16
Just, you know, release a little bit of it.
25:18
Yeah.
25:18
In his wander off.
25:20
It seems like they have dropped the deuce themselves rather than me.
25:25
Yeah.
25:25
And what I do is when I'm hit this Code Red situation, I don't rush off.
25:29
I don't want people to know I'm in this.
25:31
So I'm just slowly releasing it person by person.
25:35
And eventually I'm empty, but there are just little landmines left around.
25:42
If you have to, if you took off your shoes, you're going to be like, oh, I'm going to
25:45
take off your shoes.
25:47
You're going to find a surprise when you put those shoes back on because I've used those
25:51
shoes at the end of this.
25:53
I assume you're blaming all these people.
25:56
Right.
25:56
I'm like, oh, look at that guy pooped on the ground.
25:59
And it just looks like, I don't know, 50 different people have just had an simultaneous bowel
26:06
movement.
26:07
Right.
26:07
Public.
26:09
Yeah, that's exactly what it looks like.
26:10
Somehow it ended up outside of their pants.
26:16
Yeah.
26:16
I mean, it's kind of one of those situations where we kind of rolled down the leg.
26:20
Oh, gosh.
26:21
All simultaneously.
26:23
They just shake their leg and it just kind of comes out of the pant leg.
26:26
You know, you really, I don't need you overthinking the mechanics of this.
26:30
Only that those people did it and not me.
26:34
It's weird when you're at the reception of a wedding.
26:37
Everybody has seemed to use the restroom on the ground except me.
26:42
And then I look like I look good.
26:44
I look like the sophisticated person.
26:47
Yeah.
26:48
You know, why is everybody else?
26:50
Are you at all worried that maybe these 50 people will bond over the shared experience
26:57
and you'll be alone?
27:00
I've kind of ostracized myself.
27:01
Yeah.
27:02
Yeah.
27:02
And then you'll be trying to poop yourself.
27:04
But I'm already done.
27:05
Yeah.
27:06
You have nothing else.
27:06
Hey, guys, I got one too.
27:08
I can do it.
27:11
Wait, guys, I can do it too.
27:13
And I'm just like struggling.
27:14
Just in another sense.
27:16
No, somebody poop for me, please.
27:19
I need a poop surrogate is what I need.
27:22
I need somebody.
27:23
Look, and they're like, quit trying to virtue signal.
27:26
I mean, this is an experience that happened to us.
27:28
They become like bullies to me.
27:30
Don't make yourself a part of this.
27:33
So they buy into the fact that they they pooped and they just don't remember it.
27:36
I don't know how you don't.
27:38
I think it's one of those situations where they notice that I'm the only weird one
27:42
relative to them.
27:43
So they're like, I'd rather not be in his.
27:45
Yeah.
27:45
I want to be in this camp, but we can kind of make fun of him for not.
27:49
Yeah.
27:49
It's like those public situations like in a classroom where everybody's given one answer,
27:53
but you know it's the other one, but you don't want to look like the one that stood against.
27:57
That's kind of how this is.
27:58
Yeah.
27:58
Everybody doesn't want to look like the person who didn't poop themselves.
28:01
So yeah.
28:03
Yeah.
28:04
So now I look ostracized.
28:05
I'm over in the corner just struggling pants halfway down, really trying to let one out.
28:11
But I've kind of kind of screwed myself over in this situation.
28:15
Yeah.
28:15
Do you ever walk up to some of the people in the room who you've done this to and just
28:19
kind of like try to make up a story about a big poop one time?
28:23
Yeah.
28:24
Like I don't I, you know, I didn't do it today, but you should have been here yesterday.
28:27
It looked like that triceratops poop in Jurassic Park.
28:31
Like it was just a pile.
28:32
It was the eighth wonder of the world.
28:34
They're just like, they obviously don't believe me.
28:36
They know I'm trying to fit in.
28:38
You know, it's one of those situations where like they move away in a group.
28:42
They do that.
28:42
They do like a like a cliche bully thing.
28:46
You overcompensated with that dino poop comment.
28:49
They're like, okay, well, even if we wanted to believe in, we know that's not possible.
28:54
No, my wife says I poop really, really big.
28:57
You don't know her.
28:57
She goes to a different school.
28:58
Oh, she says it's so smelly.
29:02
I am.
29:02
Yeah.
29:03
I'm like, ah, if you only knew how many bathrooms I have in my house,
29:07
it's a one bedroom, six bathroom house.
29:10
Call my house the six pack.
29:14
Yeah.
29:15
You know, I'm just trying to really overcompensate to really fit in because I mean, in the end,
29:19
that's what we want to do.
29:20
That's why I originally framed all these people because I wanted to fit in and not
29:24
be the person in the code word situation.
29:26
And it kind of backfired on me.
29:27
Pun intended, which, you know, but then, you know, I'm either way, I'm left in the corner crying.
29:34
You know, that's how you end most days.
29:37
Yeah, it's how I'm going to end my life too.
29:38
But like it's how I, it's definitely how I end most days as well.
29:42
It's just kind of being ostracized in the corner.
29:44
Well, I mean, it's good to have like, like a default place or a default way to be, you know,
29:50
by default, you're just sad.
29:52
So it's good to just have that thing to fall back on.
29:55
Yeah, I agree.
29:56
But yeah, I walk around that place looking like a hamster, just kind of walking and walking
30:01
and duking and framing other people for it.
30:03
It's bold.
30:04
I think it is.
30:05
I think it's weird to put it in other people's pockets.
30:08
I don't know how they explain that.
30:11
People are like, oh yeah, I poop too.
30:13
It's just in my front pocket.
30:16
And you know, it's there.
30:17
So you have to be the one to point it out because it's not like they're going to point it out.
30:21
Yeah, they're going to be like, oh yeah, you know, Jim over there, he has it in his pocket.
30:24
Like, hey, can I can I get your keys?
30:28
Like Sally, look in her shoe.
30:30
She's like trying to pretend it's not there.
30:32
She's like, oh, what are you talking about?
30:33
But you're also a little gross.
30:35
You're also the freak for like wanting to know what's in her shoe.
30:38
Yeah, that's what I do.
30:41
Frame other people for it so they never know you were in that situation to begin with.
30:45
That's that is my usually my go to for that one.
30:49
One heck of a hypothetical really.
30:51
It was, you know, something very relatable, but also hard to talk about.
30:55
Yeah, one of the crappier ones.
30:59
This guy gets it.
31:00
Oh, he's here.
31:02
All right.
31:03
Well, here you go.
31:04
That's what happens for us if we're in a code red situation and we need to go to the bathroom.
31:09
The next segment that we're going to jump into is our version of House Hunters.
31:13
Me and Everett can go look for a house with the help of the great real estate agent,
31:18
Alan Foreclosures, so let's do that.
31:30
On this episode of House Hunters, a couple of quote unquote really good friends
31:35
are looking for a summer home in the heat of the Louisiana swamps.
31:39
Their expectations are high and so is their budget.
31:42
Will Alan Foreclosure be able to satisfy a couple of guys like he usually does?
31:47
Find out next on House Hunters.
31:49
My name's Zach.
31:50
I'm Evan.
31:51
We're looking for a summer home to get away from just just all the hustle and bustle of city life.
31:58
Yeah, we want to dig down into the swamps of Louisiana.
32:02
Those have always interested us.
32:04
There's nothing more relaxing than 100% humidity at mosquitoes.
32:09
There's nothing more comforting than having a weighted blanket of just humidity on.
32:15
I my job is I collect and steam people's socks and I'm an anteater trainer.
32:24
And our budget is five million dollars.
32:27
What we're looking for in a summer home is one where we can get away,
32:32
but we also want to be able to bring our family whenever we need to.
32:36
Um, Zach has three mothers and I have six fathers.
32:42
I have six fathers. We need a space for all of them.
32:46
We want it to be romantic because we're kind of hoping this is like a whole kind of romance thing.
32:51
Maybe we can just become one big family.
32:54
So maybe, you know, we're kind of over them being gay together and we want them to kind of turn straight.
33:01
Well, you have three mothers.
33:02
They can't all be straight.
33:06
And let me tell you, my six fathers are definitely not straight.
33:08
Well, I think what we're looking for, I think really what we're looking for in a summer house is about 200 square feet.
33:19
200.
33:23
200 square feet.
33:25
Very small, very quaint.
33:30
I want us to fit in it.
33:31
I want to be able to always be bumping shoulders with Evan.
33:37
Anytime we turn around.
33:39
Yeah.
33:39
I don't want there to be a bathroom in it.
33:41
I think I would rather maybe go outside.
33:44
Yeah.
33:44
And the real reason we want it in the swamps of Louisiana is we want an alligator pit with a slide out to it from the house,
33:53
just so we can get in with the alligators whenever we need to.
33:56
Well, guys, I really appreciate you bringing all this information to me.
34:01
And I've done a lot of searching for just a home that matches your specific needs.
34:08
And let me tell you, this is very specific.
34:10
I don't think anyone has ever asked for this before.
34:13
So I've got this quaint little place right over here in the bayou.
34:17
If you guys want to just take a nice fan boat on.
34:21
There's no roads to it.
34:23
No public access roads.
34:24
One of the neat features is that it does come with a fan boat because that's the only way you can access this remote swampy home.
34:33
And we're looking at the fan boat here that will eventually take us to this place.
34:38
You would think a fan boat would be, you know, the classic metal boat with the giant fan.
34:43
But really, this is just kind of a John boat with an oscillating fan on it.
34:47
So, yeah, it does have an oscillating.
34:49
I thought you were pointing out all the people on the back of it that were cheering us on.
34:53
Oh, yeah, that is nice.
34:54
That is really ways down the back of the boat.
34:58
But it's nice to have support.
35:00
It really is.
35:00
It's nice to have a good fan boat like that.
35:03
Definitely.
35:03
It seems like it's going to be difficult to row.
35:06
But OK, so I guess we can head over to the house now.
35:10
Yeah, I'm waiting on our stupid realtors there.
35:14
Realtors are over here to lead us.
35:15
But all right.
35:15
All right.
35:16
Well, so let's just motor motor on over there, you know, motor boat motor boat on over just.
35:23
I mean, we're passing through just a Cypress Grove, you know, beautiful.
35:28
It is our swampy and muggy.
35:33
Oh, my goodness.
35:34
And basically, when you're when you're here, well, first off, when you're here, your family,
35:41
that's what we want.
35:41
We want a family atmosphere.
35:43
But second off, when you're here, you're not understanding a single word a local says.
35:48
No, no.
35:49
It's and I really appreciate the voodoo ghost that I keep seeing walk behind the trees out here.
35:55
Yeah, yeah, they are.
35:56
They are great neighbors.
35:59
Due to the language barrier, there's a lot of plausible deniability for anything that happens
36:03
here. So just, I guess, keep that in mind if Sheriff Boudreaux ever comes by, you know.
36:10
I bet he's a root and toot in good time.
36:11
Oh, you know, he is.
36:13
He's actually part alligator in the house is what some might call a renovated beaver dam.
36:23
Oh, I was wondering why it did seem like a pile of sticks.
36:27
Yeah.
36:27
Well, now, one of the inspiration pictures you guys sent in from your joint email account,
36:34
Zach and Evan coworkers at Gmail dot com.
36:38
It was a picture of a log cabin.
36:40
A beaver dam is essentially just a I guess in a sense, a version of a long cabin.
36:45
You know, it's an underwater log cabin.
36:47
Yeah, you know, I'm not going to judge it from the outside.
36:50
We might have to fight off a family of beavers that live here, really colonizes this beaver dam
36:55
that you've decided to sell us.
36:57
Yeah, I like there's a voodoo witch doctor sitting right outside of it just
37:02
has skulls on the string saying weird magical words and shaking the skulls.
37:07
That's very welcoming.
37:09
Yeah, well, I mean, I think it's always good to have a medical professional nearby.
37:15
I'm sure she'll give us she or he.
37:18
I can't tell.
37:19
Honestly, it's a pretty heterogeneous.
37:22
There's no way to be a lot of hair when we move in.
37:24
I'm going to ask Evan to kind of pick up the skirt.
37:28
Yeah, see what kind of see what kind of person we're working with here.
37:31
I'll take it again.
37:33
It's kind of our thing.
37:34
Yeah, sure.
37:35
Well, I'm going to leave that to you guys and the ghost, but I'd say, you know,
37:40
just just really get a really get a deep breath, take a deep breath and just kind of swim underwater.
37:45
Oh, we have to go underwater to get to it.
37:47
That is the entrance to the beaver.
37:49
God, I thought you were just asking us to like really breathe in.
37:53
Yeah, really take in the atmosphere, take in the
37:56
with the humidity down here.
37:57
It's not unlike swimming in water.
37:59
I just took a deep breath and I think I water boarded myself a little bit.
38:03
Sure.
38:04
OK, yeah, so we were swimming with no scuba, no scuba gear,
38:07
just kind of holding our breath and hoping for the best.
38:09
Yeah, nobody around here really uses scuba gear.
38:12
If you for some reason can't hold your breath that long, you weren't meant to get into the dam.
38:18
I didn't realize it was like a fraternity rite of passage to buy this house.
38:25
It makes me want it more.
38:26
Yeah, no.
38:28
Now, does the voodoo witch doctor to see is he out here always
38:30
sort of like a like a guardian kind of OK?
38:34
Does he live in the house with us?
38:35
So he is a former resident.
38:37
You moved, you kicked him out.
38:39
Well, to be honest, this is and I didn't want to come out with this this early in the tour,
38:43
but he is he was the previous resident.
38:47
He did die in the home.
38:48
Oh, no way.
38:49
So yeah, I missed that part.
38:52
Yeah, he's a he's a ghost.
38:54
OK, I thought that's what we said earlier.
38:55
No, it is a witch doctor.
38:58
Oh, yeah, he's he's definitely a witch doctor.
39:00
He's definitely the ghost of a witch doctor.
39:03
He died in the home, so therefore spiritually, he's bound to the to the home.
39:07
You know how I mean, you know how ghosts are.
39:08
You can't get him to leave for nothing.
39:10
He seems kind of racist against ghosts.
39:14
Just you're saying that with a lot of vinegar in your your speech there.
39:17
Thankfully, we're pretty accepting.
39:18
So we welcome the ghost.
39:20
I'm not sure I believe in him.
39:22
You look at him.
39:22
He's sad.
39:23
You don't believe in him.
39:23
He's he's over there trying to complete tasks and you're saying you don't believe in them.
39:29
Don't feel like they do that much good work, you know?
39:32
I feel like they're both.
39:33
Yeah, I just don't believe in them.
39:35
I don't think they'll get anywhere in life or death.
39:40
OK, so I guess let's go in and swim.
39:44
Just kind of wade into the one way to do a boggy water here.
39:47
Yeah. Are you going to make us go first?
39:50
Well, where the door is?
39:51
Oh, I yeah.
39:53
Well, you're going to have to figure it out at some point when you guys look,
39:56
when you guys stumble home after a long night at the the local tavern,
40:01
you know, you're going to need to you're going to need to find that door in the dark.
40:04
You notice that we are alcoholics.
40:06
I did. It was hard to be hard to miss because Evan's drinking up a flask right now.
40:11
Yeah, yeah.
40:12
Yeah.
40:13
And you've got an igloo cooler strapped to your back like a turtle.
40:16
Yeah, it's full of just some brewskis.
40:18
Yeah. I mean, if I'm not drinking, I'm not living.
40:20
You know what I mean?
40:21
Sure.
40:22
So go into the house.
40:23
I don't know how to make a little glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug,
40:27
splash. So I don't know where Evan is.
40:30
Me and you went through the basically trap door into the Beaver Dam.
40:35
He's still out there just kind of.
40:37
Get your he's got a he's got a pant leg stuck on the branch down there.
40:41
Sure. I'm sure there's a lot of ornate woodwork here at the here at the dam.
40:45
So, I mean, I'm sure he's just trapped somewhere.
40:50
Just struggling to breathe.
40:51
Ah, OK, here he is. He's come up now.
40:54
Do you guys see those alligators back there?
40:55
Yeah. Where's your where's your pants?
40:57
I was feeding it to them.
40:58
You fed the alligator pants?
41:00
Yes.
41:01
Not a great start to the relationship of the neighbors.
41:03
They liked cotton.
41:06
I wear full cotton pants.
41:08
OK, not to brag or anything.
41:10
I mean, geez.
41:11
Man of the people.
41:12
It's weird that you wore pants out here.
41:14
It's very hot.
41:15
Yeah.
41:15
So, you know, I'm looking at the Beaver Dam, very small.
41:18
Right now, we're all kind of crouching.
41:20
And that was a requirement of yours.
41:22
You wanted it to be small.
41:23
Shoulder, shoulder, square foot.
41:24
Yeah, this is not this is smaller, but I think we're open minded.
41:28
I like the stick aesthetic, you know,
41:32
just the thought that any wrong move and you could puncture a lung or something.
41:38
Or the whole thing just kind of comes down on top.
41:40
Yeah, definitely gives you that haphazard, you know,
41:44
any day could be my last feeling.
41:46
It's what you want when you're looking for a relaxing summer home.
41:49
Yeah, just the threat of impending death.
41:52
What I also like about this is that it doesn't look like a home, you know?
41:57
No one would walk past it and be like, that's somebody's summer house.
42:01
They'd be like, that's a Beaver Dam.
42:03
There are small rodent memos living in there and not two possibly gay people.
42:12
And that's what I like to call you, you know,
42:14
and that's what I like to call unique.
42:16
I like the uniqueness of that situation.
42:19
You're not seeing this.
42:20
I like that you kept the dead witch doctor's body in here.
42:24
That we now realize is a ghost, but you kept him in here
42:27
and he's taken up multiple square feet of this.
42:30
Yeah, well, what I did is I kept his corpse in here just to kind of show you
42:34
without having to bring in additional people that if the witch doctor, you,
42:39
Evan and myself all lay on the floor, we stretch from one end of the wall to the other.
42:44
Should we do that now?
42:45
Should we just kind of lay down?
42:47
I think if we could, if we could just, if I could get everybody ghost included
42:51
or dead body included, just lay sleepover style on the ground.
42:55
Yeah.
42:56
Alan, you get in the middle.
42:57
I don't feel comfortable.
42:59
I think I'm going to let two co-workers know we're really good friends.
43:03
Yeah.
43:04
No, but you're you're starting to become a really good friend with us.
43:06
Yeah, we do.
43:07
It doesn't take a lot. All right.
43:10
Well, I'm just, I'm just going to lay down here and guys, I hope you don't mind.
43:12
I'm not going to, I'm not going to spread at all.
43:14
I'm just going to lay lay straight.
43:17
Yeah, that's okay.
43:17
Because Evan's taking up all the spreading.
43:19
He's he's he's full spread right now.
43:21
Known man spreaders, you know, starfish style.
43:24
My knees are chafing into this Louisiana weather.
43:28
I got to keep them spread apart.
43:29
I got to air these puppies out.
43:30
You were right though.
43:31
Now that we're all laid side by side, plenty of room, plenty of room.
43:35
And that's also including the industrial size pizza oven that is also.
43:39
It's such a weird amenity for a beaver dam.
43:45
Now, did the beavers place out of here or was it the witch doctor?
43:47
It was the witch doctor.
43:49
So he got it from the beavers after he killed the beavers and wore their pelts and did voodoo magic with it.
43:57
But he did pay to have the industrial size pizza oven installed in here.
44:02
That is the only amenity, though.
44:04
OK, that that I think that's fantastic.
44:06
But it's it's great because, you know, you can not only cook with it, but it also provides great heat.
44:12
Which is what you want in Louisiana when it's 98 degrees and 100 percent humidity.
44:16
100 percent.
44:18
And it doesn't get below 70 degrees even in the winter.
44:20
So an oven will do great.
44:22
An oven will do great.
44:24
That and our ski stuff that we'll wear our ski attire will be nice and warm.
44:28
I also noticed over here in the corner, there's a crate with an RPG in it.
44:32
I think we and Evan could find use for this.
44:38
I enjoy that this is just does this come with the house?
44:40
I'm assuming it does.
44:42
It certainly does. In between the untimely death of the witch doctor and our visit here, we turn this into an Airbnb.
44:48
So one of our previous guests ended up leaving it here.
44:52
Local arms dealer just passing through town.
44:54
You know, he he left it here and I've decided to keep it as part of the part of the aesthetic of the home.
45:00
What a look at the draw.
45:02
You guys really came on the right day.
45:06
I'm totally sure we're not going to actually hit that trigger and send that rocket propelled grenade through the roof.
45:12
Well, you know, the great thing about a Beaver Dam is you can also send it through the water at the floor, you know.
45:20
One day when I get fed up with my life, I'll just in mine and and Evans and one just single pull the trigger.
45:28
If that's the way you choose to go out, who am I to stop you?
45:32
I do want to touch on the roof here.
45:34
Well, physically, I can't touch it because, yeah, it's like very low.
45:38
Yeah. Yeah. There doesn't seem to be one.
45:41
It's I get is that a skylight?
45:44
What would you what's the purpose of the giant hole in the roof?
45:48
So during the time that it was an Airbnb, there was a second RPG.
45:54
And that's the reason why there's really no roof anymore.
45:57
Oh, he sent it through the roof. OK, he did.
45:59
But really, you know, I always thought that this place needed a little more open concept design.
46:04
Yeah. And some of our previous guests, they had said, you know, there's not enough mosquitoes in there.
46:10
They're trying to find a way in and they can't like we need more.
46:13
Got to have them bugs is actually what they said.
46:16
Oh, so that makes sense. So there's a bunch of tiny little mosquito beds lined up on the wall.
46:22
Is that the mosquito brothel? Are we breeding mosquitoes in here?
46:26
We are breeding mosquitoes.
46:28
And this place, I shouldn't even be telling you this because you haven't signed the contract yet.
46:35
But this is actually a brothel ran by local gangster Ratatatat.
46:41
Yeah, I heard a Ratatatat from Rat Gangster of New Orleans.
46:45
So they're running a mosquito brothel. So that makes sense.
46:48
I like the neon sign of a sexy mosquito in a small bikini.
46:52
Yeah. Kicking its legs in and out.
46:54
That's that's that's really arousing me.
46:57
Yeah. Right beside the sign, there's also another neon sign that says this sucks.
47:02
Ah, mosquito jokes.
47:05
Classically. Yeah. Have good humor.
47:08
And now I hope you guys are OK with this local gangster Ratatatat will bring friends and family over some nights.
47:17
Are they banging the mosquitoes?
47:19
They're strictly business.
47:21
OK, so I love that you're selling us a house that just random criminals use.
47:26
I like that, too. But if we did decide on this house, we would promise our discretion at the coming and going of the clients.
47:34
A lot of coming, though, I assume. Yeah. It is a brothel.
47:37
Definitely. Definitely.
47:39
You can promise we can promise that.
47:41
I know you guys are from out of town, so I'll kind of give you sort of a lay of the land.
47:46
Ratatatat appreciates discretion and he rewards those who treat him properly.
47:53
That's that's good. I if we can get in with the local pimps, I guess we'll be on good footing here.
48:01
Yeah, that's good, though. I enjoy that there's a insect sex work in sex work.
48:08
Wow. Brothel in here. That's very cool.
48:11
I've noticed that I've lost my shoes. I'm sinking in the mud in here.
48:15
I think there's an interesting amenity.
48:18
It's like a spa. It's kind of like a spa.
48:21
I think about it. Yeah, it's actually a little what you're standing in is the area of quicksand.
48:27
Ah, quicksand. But fortunately for you guys, it only goes shoulder deep.
48:33
OK, so like a couple of cabbages popping up here. Yeah.
48:37
You know, just head.
48:38
Let's just make sure that if you find yourself sinking, just raise those arms up, just just grab a hold of the roof or part of the roof.
48:47
Just grab a hold of some wood on the wall.
48:49
And then once you're once your shoulders deep, you'll be able to pull yourself up and everything will be just fine.
48:55
OK, that cool. That's that's great.
48:57
I consider that an amenity. You know, people talk about it a lot, but you don't see it a lot.
49:02
But you see, we're going to have some of it. Yeah, we have it in our summer home.
49:06
And, you know, I just I probably shouldn't even tell you guys this either.
49:09
I love how secret you are. There's a lot of things that
49:13
I love how you just can't disclose everything that shouldn't be talked about.
49:17
They told me down at the office not to bring this up, but I I see you two guys as as people who might want to be in the know on things about a property.
49:26
You know, absolutely. No. Yeah. Yeah.
49:28
This property was actually purchased by one D.B. Cooper.
49:32
Oh, wow. OK, well, I think it was a pretty.
49:37
You tell them that.
49:38
Well, I mean, D.B. Cooper is is long dead.
49:41
But you know, after he jumped out of that plane with all that cash, this is what he spent the money on.
49:45
He spent all his money on a beaver dam in the middle of a swamp in Louisiana.
49:49
Well, he actually diversified a lot of assets.
49:51
This was just some low income housing. He he tried to start up.
49:55
Good. I love how criminally injected this is.
49:58
I think this is really just lots of criminals in here.
50:02
Just a hive of scum and villainy, if you will.
50:06
Well, the thing is, you never look at a beaver dam and you say, I wonder what the history is there.
50:11
You know, but this one, this one has a lot has a lot of history.
50:15
A lot. A lot of it's dark.
50:17
A lot of it's dark.
50:19
I say a lot of death.
50:21
There's been death.
50:22
There's been crime.
50:23
There's also been a lot of love, though.
50:25
Oh, that brings me to the swastika flag over here on the wall.
50:29
What? I mean, I realize we probably should have brought that up pretty much immediately.
50:34
I was. We were a little late on that.
50:36
It's not a big area. OK. Yeah.
50:38
So are you guys familiar with World War Two? Yeah.
50:42
Yeah, I've heard tale.
50:44
So America won. That's great.
50:47
They also, you know, that's great.
50:51
America won. That's that's great.
50:53
You know, what's not great is relocating Nazis.
50:57
Gotcha. There were a handful of Nazis and I can't say how many, but more than 10, less than 50.
51:04
So more than 10, less than 12. Yeah.
51:09
But some of them were relocated and are there ones still living here?
51:14
That's what I really want to know. Man, this is this.
51:19
Is he the Nazi? Is Alan the Nazi? I'm going to lose the sale.
51:26
Why would you keep the flag up?
51:29
What did you put the flag up for?
51:31
There's a Nazi living under the floorboards.
51:33
There's no floorboards.
51:35
He is reverse-Jewing it.
51:38
He's actually hiding from the current authorities.
51:41
So, you know, he. So we're just going to have to ignore that, the Nazi that lives under the floor.
51:46
I would advise it. He's got to be pushing 90, right?
51:50
He's just living under a floorboard.
51:52
Maybe the World War Two Nazi. To be honest, he is too old and brittle to get out from under the floorboard.
51:58
So just going to need to leave him there.
52:00
Is that a responsibility that we're going to have to take?
52:02
Are we going to feed him water that guy? You will.
52:04
So if you look over there, there's a cauldron full of stew.
52:07
Just make sure you add to the cauldron, I don't know, every three or four days.
52:10
And it'll just drop a little bit into his mouth.
52:13
I got to say, for someone trying to hide, putting a banner up of who you are is not a great look.
52:22
I mean, look, you guys, you know, I mean, not that you know personally Nazis.
52:26
I don't think either one of you know Nazis, but they were never a discreet group of people.
52:31
Yeah, they got plastered, their banners everywhere.
52:34
There's one thing they loved. It was those banners.
52:38
They had him everywhere.
52:40
OK, so I'm glad that this house comes with a pet.
52:44
A responsibility or a responsibility there.
52:46
OK, I guess we'll feed and water the Nazi, take him out on walks. I don't know.
52:51
Well, just looking back at our checklist here, what did we have?
52:54
Two hundred square feet.
52:56
Which it was it's less than.
52:57
Check. Yep.
52:58
That was really our only thing.
53:00
Well, we had no bathroom check.
53:02
There is no bathroom in here.
53:04
Third thing, alligator pit with a slide to it.
53:07
Yeah. Is that is that part of this house? Yes.
53:10
Because basically when you're in the Louisiana swamp, there are more alligators out there than humans.
53:15
I mean, to be honest, every time you leave your home and even sometimes while in your home, you are you are under threat of alligator attack.
53:25
You sound like somebody with a conspiracy where you're just thinking everybody that you see is probably an alligator human skin.
53:32
Like it's it's like the lizard people conspiracy. You're just walking around very skeptical.
53:38
The lady in the checkout line is an alligator.
53:41
I'm most worried about people with alligator skinned clothing like alligator skin boots and alligator skin purse.
53:48
That just really goes to show you that they're blatant.
53:52
They don't even care anymore that that that you can tell what they are in public.
53:57
I love a realtor with a conspiracy.
53:59
Yeah, and I think that the alligators, they've also started some sort of Navy and what they're doing is nobody can see this, but he's switched out his hat for a tin foil hat.
54:14
He's put it on his head.
54:15
Evan, if you turn over that bulletin board over there, we're going to move to the other side of the wall to flip this because not a big space.
54:25
Yeah, not enough room to flip it.
54:26
I got to pull it out. I've got just maps of alligator Navy bases that they have.
54:32
Oh, they're Nazi alligators on here.
54:33
Well, you know, they they they learned from from their transplant here.
54:37
Okay, he taught them that's a scary a Nazi alligator.
54:41
Yeah, and you know, and they're out here in these woods.
54:43
They are.
54:44
Yes.
54:45
Does that say Nazi or naughty?
54:47
Oh, it's good.
54:49
It's much.
54:50
Yeah, it's a little smudge.
54:52
I think it says this is naughty, doesn't it?
54:56
There's not a lot of you on it.
54:59
Back to the brothel thing.
55:02
Are they a part of what I wasn't aware of that?
55:04
This must be I wonder how an alligator and mosquito brothel works.
55:09
Well, oh, they're banging.
55:11
I realize I thought maybe it's kind of a separate thing.
55:14
But I mean, maybe I mean, who am I to judge?
55:16
I don't think we need to talk about to rat a tat tat about that.
55:19
Yeah, I don't think he knows about this alligator thing.
55:22
I think there might be some sort of a gang war.
55:27
When you cross rat a tat tat's turf, things can get bloody.
55:32
Well, I'm glad that you put us right in the middle of this.
55:35
Yes.
55:36
Weird mosquito alligator sex gang war.
55:40
Uh huh.
55:41
Don't forget the Nazis and the Nazis.
55:43
The Nazi.
55:45
It's good that we can't move quickly because the quicksand.
55:49
Yeah.
55:50
Easy access through the hole in the roof.
55:52
That's right.
55:53
Yeah, that helps a little bit.
55:55
RPG for defense, I guess.
55:56
That's true.
55:57
We have the RPG.
55:58
That makes sense now.
55:59
I don't know if that's for defense or offense.
56:01
You know, security system, suicide, you know, whatever you want.
56:05
Business or pleasure.
56:06
Yeah.
56:07
But yeah, I think this house is great.
56:10
Yeah, I'm sold.
56:11
Exactly what we're looking for.
56:12
How much was this house is probably what we need to ask.
56:15
This house roughly three hundred dollars.
56:19
Well below our five million dollar budget.
56:22
Yeah.
56:23
We have some spending money then.
56:25
Yeah.
56:26
And let me tell you, that is actually just the cost of the lumber because there is no
56:29
land attached to this house.
56:30
Well, we are on the, yeah, kind of the river.
56:33
You are in a swamp.
56:35
You will not technically be landowners, but you will be owners of, you know, roughly three
56:40
hundred dollars worth of wood in a pizza oven.
56:42
So we're not we're not even owning the land that we're standing on inside the the no no
56:47
beaver dam.
56:48
You don't you don't.
56:49
That less taxes that we're living in a beaver dam.
56:53
Yeah.
56:54
I think taxes were that being said, if you can if you can get on the same page with the
56:58
voodoo witch doctor ghost and the ancient Nazi, you can pack up and move.
57:03
You just have to you just have to be on board.
57:06
Everybody has to be in agreement.
57:07
It'll be a weird dinner in here as we sit around a tiny little table with an old racist
57:12
man and voodoo person.
57:15
Yeah.
57:16
They just sit around talking out business.
57:18
The wisp of a voodoo person.
57:20
Yeah.
57:21
Well, while the the club music from the little mosquito brothel plays in the background.
57:25
Yeah, it's always going to be there.
57:27
And we just hear like really high pitched moaning.
57:29
Yeah.
57:30
Yeah.
57:31
Well, I think that's great.
57:33
Three hundred dollars is doable.
57:35
I don't need to see another house.
57:37
I think this is it.
57:38
I think this is where we're living.
57:40
Not only do we not need to see another house, we don't want to.
57:43
I never want to see another house again.
57:45
Try to show us another house.
57:46
Bring me to another house and I'll end your life.
57:49
Evan gets very aggressive when he feels at home.
57:52
Yeah.
57:53
So that just kind of shows you where he's at right now.
57:55
Because when you're here, your family.
57:57
So I have heard.
57:59
Let me let me just get on the horn and I'll I'll tell my agent to.
58:04
What are you on a ship?
58:07
I'll need to play taps or something.
58:11
Yes, someone just died.
58:15
Well, I mean, I don't really know how you realtors communicate.
58:18
So however that goes, I guess it's nothing but nothing but French horns.
58:24
Why do you care the French horn like Indiana Jones?
58:27
Just around your waist like a whip.
58:29
OK, well, I don't you can leave now, I guess.
58:32
I don't know. I'm glad this worked out for you guys.
58:34
Let me get on my fan boat, you know, powered by all our fans.
58:38
Oh, how are we get that's not our boat.
58:41
Oh, I did think that came with the house.
58:43
No, it doesn't come with the house.
58:47
So we'll figure that out.
58:49
OK, I will swim.
58:51
Maybe I don't know.
58:52
You don't look like two guys who are going into town much.
58:55
I don't know that. OK.
58:59
Take from that.
59:00
I'm offended. I don't know how, though, why not enough to end the sale of this house.
59:05
But yeah, we were going to buy the house enough to like raise some eyebrows.
59:09
You know, yeah, which is hard to tell because we both shaved our eyebrows, but they're raised.
59:14
So, I mean, I just, you know, you can get out.
59:17
OK, well, bye.
59:21
Another successful, another successful house hunters.
59:25
Oh, very good.
59:26
Listen, that's the second house that we have bought here on the Questable Detour House
59:31
Hunter show.
59:33
But as we end today's episode, do you I got a one liner wisdom for the Saturday workers?
59:38
They say any job worth doing is worth doing well.
59:42
But the worst job you could do is physically digging a well.
59:46
Oh, I thought you were going to say physically doing a well.
59:49
I mean, I guess that technically would be worse.
59:54
They say wisdom is knowing what to do next.
59:57
I say wisdom is knowing how far you can stray away from a bathroom.
1:00:02
Yeah, we've learned that today.
1:00:04
Very good.
1:00:05
If you have a hypothetical, if you need advice from the three wisest people, if you need fun facts about a subject,
1:00:12
if you just need to tell us how much you hate us, love us, despise us, lust after us,
1:00:18
write us in.
1:00:19
Questable Detour podcast at gmail dot com.
1:00:22
All right, guys, you ought to be done.
1:00:24
Yes.
1:00:25
Yo ho!
1:00:26
Expect the detour.
1:00:27
Oh, yeah, that's a good water.