Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Taboo Ways To Make Avoidants Miss You

Transcript

Taboo Ways To Make Avoidants Miss You · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  There are ways to make an avoidant miss you that actually
• 0:10
  work, and most people won't use them because they feel wrong,
• 0:16
  not unethical, uncomfortable. They force you to stop
• 0:20
  explaining, stop managing, and stop chasing relief.
• 0:25
  So I'm going to walk you through these taboo ways and I'm also
• 0:30
  going to tell you what they will cost because the cost is going
• 0:34
  to be giving up comfort, your comfort and control.
• 0:38
  And most people cannot tolerate that.
• 0:42
  And these work if you're in no contact and also they work if
• 0:47
  you need to see your avoidant for whatever reason, you have
• 0:50
  kids together, school work, etcetera.
• 0:54
  So the first taboo is not explaining yourself when you
• 0:59
  easily could. And this one feels very wrong
• 1:04
  because most people think, well, if I just explain it better,
• 1:07
  they'll finally understand. Will they?
• 1:10
  Will they, though? Avoidance don't experience
• 1:13
  explanations as closeness. They experience them as
• 1:16
  pressure, as emotional demands, as loss of autonomy.
• 1:23
  And Robert Greene talks about this without ever mentioning
• 1:26
  dating. He says power leaks.
• 1:29
  The more you try to explain yourself or the more you explain
• 1:33
  yourself. So when you stop correcting
• 1:36
  misunderstandings, when you stop defending your intentions, when
• 1:41
  you stop narrating your feelings, you let absence do the
• 1:46
  talking for you. And this works because their
• 1:50
  mind fills in the gap. Curiosity replaces relief.
• 1:55
  Instead of dismissing you, they replay you.
• 2:00
  And this feels taboo because it removes control from you.
• 2:05
  And that's exactly why it works. And if you're new here, hi, my
• 2:09
  name is Lucia. I am a dating and relationship
• 2:12
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back.
• 2:16
  And welcome back to my beautiful no contact army.
• 2:18
  Have you been a good little soldier and stayed in no
• 2:21
  contact? I certainly hope so.
• 2:23
  OK, taboo #2 is becoming unavailable without announcing
• 2:30
  it. So this is not ghosting, it's
• 2:32
  not punishment. It's not a dramatic no contact
• 2:36
  speech. Well, you know, I'm going to no
• 2:39
  contact, you know, shut up. Don't say I need space, I'm
• 2:44
  focusing on myself. I'm going no contact.
• 2:47
  As I just said, you simply become less available.
• 2:52
  You respond less, your tone stays neutral, you stop
• 2:57
  emotionally chasing so fewer responses and a neutral tone.
• 3:03
  And this is taboo because people are taught communication is
• 3:07
  healthy, but avoidance read announced distance.
• 3:13
  As personal as this is about you, unannounced distance, which
• 3:20
  is what I'm telling you to do, feels like I might actually lose
• 3:24
  access. So it feels destabilizing.
• 3:28
  And destabilization creates curiosity.
• 3:32
  And that's when the missing begins.
• 3:35
  And this is where people panic. And it's not because they don't
• 3:39
  understand what to do, but because their nervous system
• 3:42
  can't tolerate not doing something.
• 3:45
  The illusion of action, right? Taboo #3 stop orienting your
• 3:51
  mood around them. And this one almost feels cruel,
• 3:55
  but it isn't. You stop scanning for signs of
• 4:00
  interest. You stop interpreting silence.
• 4:04
  You stop letting your mood rise and fall based on their
• 4:08
  behavior. Otherwise, you're just their
• 4:10
  little puppet. And here's the key.
• 4:13
  You don't show this, you embody it.
• 4:17
  So you're unbothered. The buzzword of the moment,
• 4:21
  you're detached, you're almost bored.
• 4:26
  And avoidance are extremely sensitive to emotional pull.
• 4:31
  And when that pull disappears, they don't feel relief.
• 4:34
  They feel the vacuum. They feel unnecessary.
• 4:38
  They feel irrelevant. And that's when missing turns
• 4:43
  into contact. And that's where coaching
• 4:46
  actually comes in. Because strategy without your
• 4:51
  nervous system being regulated is going to turn into you white
• 4:54
  knuckling it and then breaking. And most people don't fail
• 4:58
  because they don't know the rules.
• 4:59
  They do. They fail because they can't
• 5:01
  hold the discomfort long enough for the rules to work.
• 5:04
  So if you're interested in exploring coaching with me, you
• 5:07
  can contact me at my website, theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 5:11
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 5:15
  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 5:18
  All right, taboo #4 letting absence do the talking.
• 5:24
  You all talk too much. Most people talk too much.
• 5:28
  They explain their worth. They explain their boundaries.
• 5:32
  They explain their feelings and Robert Greene again put it very
• 5:38
  simply when he said always say less than necessary.
• 5:43
  Burn that into your brain. Always say less than necessary.
• 5:47
  And this works in business too. Over explaining lowers your
• 5:52
  status and gives the other person relief, avoidance.
• 5:56
  Don't miss people who give them relief, OK.
• 5:59
  They miss people who leave something unresolved.
• 6:04
  They only process loss after safety is gone.
• 6:08
  So do not rescue them from missing you.
• 6:12
  Missing requires discomfort. Someone cannot miss you and feel
• 6:18
  comfortable at the same time. OK, it's one or the other.
• 6:20
  So pick a lane and if you soften the gap too early, they regulate
• 6:26
  their nervous system and instead of missing you, they stabilize.
• 6:31
  So when you stop filling the silence, their mind fills it in
• 6:34
  for you. That's why absence does the work
• 6:38
  that words never could. Let your silence and your
• 6:42
  absence do the quote UN quote dirty work for you.
• 6:47
  And my Silencio app helps you to stay in no contact so that you
• 6:51
  stay regulated enough to hold the line and stick to no
• 6:54
  contact. And we have a bustling community
• 6:57
  there of people posting their issues, their situations, and
• 7:01
  everyone else helping and responding.
• 7:03
  And I love it that it's growing bigger and bigger every day.
• 7:05
  So check it out. The link is underneath every
• 7:07
  single video and podcast. And if you want to learn more
• 7:11
  about no contact, I have my book, No Contact secrets.com and
• 7:16
  you can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 7:20
  OK, so the last taboo is not taking the bait when they
• 7:25
  eventually resurface. So avoidance often come back
• 7:29
  with casual check insurance, logistics, nostalgia, light
• 7:34
  flirting. They're so predictable.
• 7:37
  Anything to avoid being vulnerable, right?
• 7:39
  So the taboo move is don't escalate, don't punish and don't
• 7:46
  be too warm. You answer calmly and keep your
• 7:51
  life moving. And this works because it
• 7:54
  removes their sense of control, and because they expected you to
• 7:58
  be either available or angry. So com neutrality is
• 8:04
  disorienting, and that disorientation turns into
• 8:08
  rumination. Now, these taboo behaviors only
• 8:13
  work if they're genuine. If you do them as tactics,
• 8:17
  avoidance will sense it, and they'll backfire and you'll feel
• 8:21
  worse. So they work when you're
• 8:23
  regulated, not when you're secretly waiting.
• 8:27
  And that's why most people can't stick to them.
• 8:31
  These are boundary based behaviors that feel taboo
• 8:34
  because they go against over communication, emotional labor
• 8:39
  and chasing reassurance, avoidance miss people who don't
• 8:43
  need them to regulate and who don't collapse when they're
• 8:47
  absent. That is the real taboo.
• 8:50
  So you don't need to disappear, you don't need to play games,
• 8:54
  and you don't need to convince anyone of your worth and value.
• 8:57
  You just need to stop rescuing them from the experience of
• 9:00
  losing access to you. So if this resonated with you,
• 9:05
  then tell me in the comments which of these taboos felt the
• 9:08
  hardest for you, because that actually tells you exactly what
• 9:11
  you need to work on. And in the meantime, be sure to
• 9:15
  subscribe so you don't miss future videos or future episodes
• 9:20
  and hit the bell notification to make sure you get notifications
• 9:24
  when a new video is up. And in the meantime, remember,
• 9:27
  love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.