Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Marry A Woman Who Adores You!

Transcript

Marry A Woman Who Adores You! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about why I should
• 0:11
  marry a woman that adores you. And what this means and why so
• 0:15
  many men don't do it and oh, just a lot of stuff before that.
• 0:22
  Please do subscribe. The most recent one was when you
• 0:24
  get married when you're young and dumb and the next one will
• 0:27
  be whatever one tomorrow's is. So I'm gonna make a game-time
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  decision about that. And I mean, there's 85 episodes
• 0:36
  is for five ninety-nine a month. You really cannot get more
• 0:40
  quality content than that anywhere.
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  Or so, I hear from my rabid fan base.
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  So what do I mean by a woman that adores?
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  You, like, literally, like, some guys are like, go like that
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  seems impossible, you know, because that's never happened to
• 0:55
  me but and maybe that's just something that happens to women.
• 0:59
  Like a lot of real cynical guys think that they think that men
• 1:01
  are just supposed to be the Workhorse of the relationship.
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  Woman is the one who gets put on a pedestal that is not true.
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  If you think about life like that, it's just cuz like you had
• 1:11
  a fucked-up childhood. I mean, like for real that's the
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  only reason a person thinks they don't deserve to be adored is
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  because they didn't see any adoration in their childhood
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  from parents to one another. And really from parents to the
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  child if nobody delighted in your existence and you can't
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  imagine what it would be like to be with somebody that does, you
• 1:30
  know and or if you didn't see your father, get Alighted in by
• 1:35
  your mother, then even if your mother delighted and you as I
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  discussed in a prior podcast, you think that that was because,
• 1:41
  maybe you're like a good boy and you're funny and you're clever
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  and you're smart, but it would have nothing to do with your
• 1:46
  physicality, which is the most important way that a man is
• 1:50
  adored because they have physical touch Love Languages,
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  right? So it really it's a referendum
• 1:58
  on your parents marriage, if you don't think that you deserve to
• 2:01
  be adored and they were trying the best they could nobody's I
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  mean I'm for shit but you know, I mean you just got to really
• 2:07
  look at yourself, critically, you know, not critically in a
• 2:10
  bad sense critically like critical thinking.
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  So what does it look like for a man to be adored by a woman and
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  why would many men go for women that don't adore them?
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  Well, I just said, like they're not familiar with it, but also
• 2:23
  well first, let me say I go a little fast sometimes what does
• 2:27
  it look like for a man to be adored by a woman?
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  Well, she really Delights in him, she gets a kick out of him.
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  She thinks that he's interesting.
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  She thinks that he's March. They said he's funny.
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  She thinks he's good looking. She wants to be physically close
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  to him. She treats him kind of like a
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  grownup version of how she would treat a beloved baby.
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  And that's not as weird analogy as it sounds.
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  If you've been following closely along and you know, that the
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  attachment relationship between intimate Partners in adulthood
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  parallels, that between parent and child, the attachment bond
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  between mother and child, or father, and child is the
• 3:03
  template for later. Hatch meant between romantic
• 3:07
  Partners, so whatever your wife looks like when she's with the
• 3:12
  baby is about as good as she can be, you know?
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  And so you need a woman that like looks at you like that and
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  if you're dating before a woman has a baby which nobody
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  listening is. But you know when you go into
• 3:25
  your time machine it would be like honestly how she treats her
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  most beloved friend, family member pet.
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  I mean fucking anything whatever.
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  The Capex is of her love. It needs to be something that
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  you want to be treated like and that resonates with you, you
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  know. And so if you are dating, if
• 3:45
  you're on the dating market and like a woman treats, you pretty
• 3:49
  much you know as good as she treats her friends but you know
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  what? She's kind of cold and general
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  well then why the hell would you marry that person she can't add
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  or you in the way that you want to be adored.
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  So for example adoring to you may look like she Cooked your
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  favorite meals and gives you a lot of kisses and cuddles,
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  right? And to another guy, adored May
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  mean that she calls him handsome all the time.
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  And to another guy and ORD May mean that she laughs at all of
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  his jokes. And says, you're really funny
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  whatever it is. You can get somebody who feels
• 4:21
  like this about you, you really can't.
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  And the reason that guys don't go for a woman like that is
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  because they have low self-esteem, a bad template from
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  watching their parents marriage or lack thereof.
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  And they feel like they They could never get a woman who's
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  appealing to them, a sexy had smart, whatever woman type of
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  woman, they like who actually feels that way about them.
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  So all the women that would adore them, they say, oh she,
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  you know, maybe yeah, she's really into me.
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  But you know what? She's really not that great.
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  I'll tell you, plenty of men and later life go back and pine for
• 4:57
  that woman. You know, the woman that like
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  maybe wasn't the, you know, a brain surgeon.
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  But she was, Ring, and loving and many women.
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  By the way, go back and pine for the same exact thing.
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  The guy who didn't maybe have as good of a job or he wasn't at
• 5:13
  all, or he we whatever he wasn't as worldly, but he was like so
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  nice and loving and devoted and I talk a lot about when women
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  think that a man when women don't get a man who takes care
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  of them and how that makes them upset, and they wish that a man
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  would take care of them. And I talked about how, if
• 5:32
  you're not vulnerable, I have a podcast out, Out this one men
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  don't take care of you but it's the same thing for a man.
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  When women don't adore you you know like more men that I'm with
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  don't even feel loved then. Women by I'm with I mean clients
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  that was came out, not I don't have multiple partners but more
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  men in my office bemoan. The fact that their wife doesn't
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  seem to really love them. Then women do women tend to
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  think that the man loves them honestly and and do So more men
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  are getting into relationships with the woman that they think
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  kind of, you know, could really give a shit about them one way
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  or the other, then women and why I'll tell you why it's not.
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  It's not because there's more of that in the world it's because
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  more men that are preoccupied attachment search out a
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  psychologist. So it's easy to say it globally
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  in the world is going to be 5050.
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  You know of women that don't feel like the relationship is
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  good or men that don't feel the relationship is good.
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  But in my office, the men that are drawn to me because I talk a
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  lot about sex are the men who are the ones, who are
• 6:41
  complaining, and who are researching stuff about their
• 6:43
  relationship. So, I don't see the, a
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  cross-section of the population because not even a cross-section
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  of the population comes to therapy any man, that will even
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  come to therapy, nevermind seek out.
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  A therapist is psychologically minded and is more, you know,
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  invested in the relationship than the average man.
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  So I get men who are more invested.
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  A relationship. I don't even see the men in my
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  office. Of course, who just don't even
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  give a shit. And we'll, never even go to
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  counseling, but there's plenty of those people out there as
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  well. But if you feel like this is
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  something that would never happen to you, think about how
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  you are acting. If you are the sort of man who
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  thinks that his life is just such that he is a Workhorse and
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  has to work, work, work and pay the bills and do all this shit
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  around the house and is never going to get any love.
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  Of back, and that's your working model.
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  That's your schema or your template, or whatever word we
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  want to use, then you are probably not acting very
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  lovable. You want to be adored but you're
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  not acting adorable. And what you need to really
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  reflect on is are you being a loving man?
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  I just did this whole post about when which women get treated
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  like princesses. And I made it very clear that
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  the women who get treated like princesses by which I just meant
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  get treated very well lovingly. I am an are those who give love.
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  So if you're not getting adored by the woman that you're with,
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  assuming that she ever used to adore.
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  You, you know, if she never used to adore you, then we got
• 8:15
  different kind of trouble, but if she used to adore you and
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  think that you were the cat's pajamas or whatever that's
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  saying is, but now she doesn't think about are you acting like
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  a man who is very loving? You got to be loving in order to
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  be lovable, think about it with your children, the one that come
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  over and wrap their arms around you and say, So how is your day
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  daddy, or mommy, or whatever? You are?
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  Then those are the ones that you feel.
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  I'll deep outpouring of love for not like, you don't love the
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  ones that just sit on the couch and barely acknowledge Your
• 8:47
  Existence. But, you know, some Love Takes
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  effort and some love Is Just flows.
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  Effortlessly. And the more loving the person
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  acts, the more lovable, you find them.
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  So if you are a man who does not feel adored and delighted in and
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  loved by his wife, Think about how loving your being and try to
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  up your game quite a bit because it's really hard for a woman to
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  love a man, that's acting sulky and recalcitrant and - and this
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  is a vicious Loop because if a man axles ways that she doesn't
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  act loving and then he's even more upset and depressed and
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  sulky because she doesn't act loving.
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  So you got to think about it, two ways.
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  A there's some men who unfortunately were drawn to
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  women who just do not really love that much.
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  At all, but that's not the majority of people.
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  Thankfully, thankfully, the majority of people in our
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  country at least they married for love and the love can be
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  recaptured. Otherwise I would be in the
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  wrong profession. If I didn't believe that.
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  If I didn't see that with my own eyes, the love can usually be
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  recaptured, but it takes a paradigm shift in which both
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  people realize that in order to be adored in order to be deeply
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  loved, you have to act loving. So why don't you act more
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  loving? And See.
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  Now, what would this look like? What would this look like?
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  This would look like. If you're always thinking that
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  your wife looks at you like she looks at a pile of stinking
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  trash, how do you look at her? You may look be looking at her
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  and thinking she looks beautiful.
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  But do you say it? Do you say sweetheart?
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  You're so beautiful. You were the most beautiful
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  woman in the room when we just went out.
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  I don't know. I don't think maybe you do
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  because men that do tend to get a nice reaction from the woman
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  because women are people and people respond to loving
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  Behavior by acting. I'm loving.
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  So up your game act more romantic, I have a whole podcast
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  head in concrete ways to be more romantic act.
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  More loving say Kinder things. Go out of your way to buy her, a
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  little gift, if you really bring your A game, maybe you will see
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  that she starts to Adore You More.
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  There was this thing that I read about this guy, that decided to
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  rub his wife's feet every night and he just decided to do this.
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  I just had a podcast on massage, so it's relevant.
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  And after like a month or something, who knows about shit
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  on the internet, right? But after a month or something
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  this guy said that she turned to him he had been doing it like
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  every night without being asked and she turns him with tears in
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  her eyes and she said that she started to look forward to this
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  so much and she really thanks him for it and it was, it's such
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  a nice thing that he did. Now that is a woman who felt a
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  deep swelling of love. I don't know where the marriage
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  was at before. I don't even know if this is a
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  real story but for our purposes and given my Experience as a
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  couple's counselor, this seems like something that might help,
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  right? Because think about it.
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  If your wife did something for you, every night for 30 nights
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  that you like gee, I wonder what that could be.
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  Wouldn't you feel a deep welling up of love and adoration for
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  her? Well, whatever the hell that
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  thing is that she would love whether it's being positive,
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  whether it's playing a game with your children, whether it's
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  doing bedtime and bath time, whether it's bringing her
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  flowers, writing her poetry, I don't give a shit what it is,
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  then why don't you try to do it? And see if then she treats you
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  reciprocally with more adoration, there are so many
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  people that could just turn their goddamn relationship
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  around really and I mean this so so seriously, there's so many
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  people that could just turn their relationship around if
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  they gave 100% like they would if they were told that their
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  partner was about to die in a month, they had a month to live
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  and if the way that they would treat their spouse in that
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  month, if they did that for a month anyway, they could turn
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  their relationship around. And I'm not have a dead spouse
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  at the end of it. So think about that when you're
• 12:38
  thinking oh I should I try bubba bubba.
• 12:42
  I mean people don't verbalize that but just so, you know, they
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  think well, that wouldn't work well, now, with my wife.
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  Well, I've tried acting. Nice.
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  No. Have you really have, you really
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  tried? Have you really done what they
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  would love so much? And then seeing how they turn to
• 12:59
  you with renewed, optimism, hope and love.
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  Because human beings are reciprocal and, you know, real
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  pair Bondi, sort of creatures and they love to feel loved and
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  that is what evokes love in them.
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  So this was your pep talk, some of my podcasts are more of pep
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  talks if you want to be adored. If you are a man who wants to be
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  adored, think about whether you are acting a door ring.
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  Are you really giving openly of Yourself are you truly opening
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  your mind to whatever your spouse would think of as loving
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  and doing that thing? If not then I don't know.
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  Can you really blame her for not acting a door?
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  And also by the way tell her what you think adoring is 0 that
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  time when you cooked me a meal, that meal was my favorite meal
• 13:52
  you ever cook me was so great. Oh, that time where you said
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  that I looked Handsome. When I came down in my suit, I
• 13:57
  always keep thinking about that. Oh, it's so great.
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  That you think that I'm funny, you know, that really really is
• 14:02
  an ego boost hearing you laugh. You know where I wiii never get
• 14:06
  tired of that. I could still make you laugh.
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  Tell the person what you love about when they act loving and
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  this will positively reinforce them and show them what they
• 14:17
  should be doing. More of when they have the
• 14:19
  impetus to act kindly towards you which they made more than,
• 14:22
  you know, that they do. All right?
• 14:25
  Also I do want to mention that. If you missed my dad starting
• 14:29
  over live event, you can buy a recording of that.
• 14:34
  And that's that, I mean, and you can message me for that and I
• 14:39
  will include the link. Please follow me on Tick-Tock,
• 14:41
  please follow me on YouTube. Please follow me on Facebook,
• 14:44
  Instagram, every place and I will talk to you all soon.
• 14:48
  But if you really want an assignment as though, you were
• 14:50
  my client actual week, as though, you would, if your
• 14:53
  spouse was going to have a finite amount of time to live,
• 14:57
  why don't you try can't hurt anything?
• 14:59
  I could only help and I'll talk to you soon.
• 15:02
  Have a great day.