Latest / Doing Marriage Well / The Art of Apologising: How to Say Sorry Without Making Things Worse

Transcript

The Art of Apologising: How to Say Sorry Without Making Things Worse · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  Doing Marriage Well for September 4th, 2026 The Art of Apologizing How to Say
• 0:06
  Sorry Without Making Things Worse Let's talk about the art of apologizing.
• 0:11
  It is, sadly, an art that some didn't learn growing up.
• 0:14
  I've seen supposed apologies make things far worse.
• 0:18
  As I've said before, apologizing doesn't mean you were wrong.
• 0:21
  It doesn't mean the problem is all your fault.
• 0:24
  It means you're sorry the other person got hurt. If you see an apology as more
• 0:28
  than that, it becomes far more difficult to do it.
• 0:31
  If the other person sees an apology as an admission of some sort,
• 0:34
  that doesn't let you off the hook.
• 0:36
  If necessary, you can clarify what, if anything, you are owning and what you are not.
• 0:41
  If your apologies don't tend to make things better or often make the situation
• 0:45
  worse, please read the rest of this post several times.
• 0:49
  Every situation is different, but there are things usually found in a good apology
• 0:53
  and some things not found in a good apology.
• 0:55
  Much of this is for when you violated the other in some way,
• 0:58
  but some applies even if you did not Don't delay You need time to calm down
• 1:03
  and think clearly But delaying an apology allows the hurt to grow An otherwise
• 1:08
  great apology will do little if you wait too long,
• 1:11
  Take ownership If you did something wrong, admit it,
• 1:14
  Don't blame it on the other person's feelings or explain why what you did was
• 1:18
  because of what they did If you were both wrong, own your part and don't mention their part,
• 1:23
  Acknowledge impact If there was harm done, be it physical, property,
• 1:28
  emotional, or relational, don't dodge or downplay that.
• 1:32
  Validate feelings. Even if it was a misunderstanding, hurt feelings still hurt.
• 1:36
  Don't suggest that they are too sensitive or played the martyr.
• 1:40
  Offer recompense. If you broke or damaged something, how are you going to make it right?
• 1:45
  Offer a plan. If appropriate, explain how you are going to avoid doing it again.
• 1:50
  This would be good for things like hurting your spouse with gossip or using porn.
• 1:54
  Avoid explaining. Explanations weaken apologies and justification destroys them.
• 1:59
  We want to defend ourselves, but doing so is one of the most common apology mistakes.
• 2:05
  Avoid minimizing. Don't hint they overreacted and don't question their emotions.
• 2:10
  Avoid expectations. It's nice if you get an immediate acceptance and release,
• 2:14
  but you don't get to dictate or demand that.
• 2:17
  It may take time, especially if there was a breaking of trust or the same thing
• 2:20
  has happened multiple times.
• 2:22
  Don't expect an apology to make it all okay and don't pretend it has.
• 2:27
  No tacking on. One of the worst things you can do is use an apology as an excuse
• 2:31
  to air grievances or discuss the feelings that the situation brought up in you.
• 2:36
  Less is more. Short and sweet is best. A prompt, well-done apology is a powerful
• 2:41
  tool for healing and restoration.
• 2:43
  Learn how to wield that tool well. This is Paul, and knowing how to apologize is doing marriage well.