Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / The Quiet Pain of Wanting More Than He Can Give

Transcript

The Quiet Pain of Wanting More Than He Can Give · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello,
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: and welcome back to another episode of She Rises with
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: your favorite co host Ashan Tiana Bestie Segment. We have
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: another bestie advice segment for you today and a question.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: This one is a really tough one, so we're going
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: to get straight into it.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Alrighty, let's do it. Hey, ladies, I love the pod
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: and I would love your advice and thoughts on a
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: situation that I'm in. My partner I've been together coming
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: up ten years and we get married in a few weeks.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: We have two beautiful boys, age three and six. We
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: both got pretty content with the two kids that we have.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Then a few years back, we accidentally got pregnant. It
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: was a huge shock and my partner really struggled with
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: the idea of having three kids. Whilst it was a
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: shock at first, my heart opened and I was so
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: excited to welcome another little human to our family. We
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: find out we were having a little girl. Then tragically,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: at fourteen weeks, we lost her. Heartbroken, doesn't begin to
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: describe how we felt, and once I recovered physically, I
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: was left with this gaping hole in my heart and
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: I longed for another baby and I still do. My partner, however,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: does not, and no matter how much I try and
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: negotiate it, at times, I beg he won't come around.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: This makes the pain worse because he can see how
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: much I want it, but is still holding strong to
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: not having another baby. If we didn't have kids and
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: this was happening, I honestly don't know if we would
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: stay together wow, but we do, and I'm not willing
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: to block up our family unit because of it. However,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: I resent him for not finding a way to make
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: it work as I would do for him if the
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: roles were reversed. How do I move forward and not
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: let this heartache impact me and our relationship further? Firstly,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: so sorry for your loss, Like I can't even begin
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: to imagine. It's just so sad, how common it is
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: and how many women and husbands and families have to
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: go through that, and it's just absolutely devastating. So my heart,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: The grieving process of that. No one can even comprehend
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: what that would feel like. No true, and it's a
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: really lonely thing as well, you go through it alone
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: with your love.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: People about no. I see both sides here. I didn't
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: think either is wrong. And I also when you say, like,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: if roles were reversed, you would make it happen, like
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: you actually don't know that. You don't know how you
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: would feel if roles were reversed. And I think it's
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: so okay for your heart to design more children and
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: for you to want that. And I also think it's
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: really okay that he doesn't want anymore, and he's really
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: strong on that, and I respect him for voicing that,
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: because if he was to just bow down and do
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: what you want to have another kid, that resentment he
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: might have builds up, and like, you don't want that
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: on your shoulders either, and then with that impact your
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: relationship later on, because he doesn't get as much time
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: for you, he's more stretched, he's not as patient, he
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: earn more money to provide for the family, and it's
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: like this whole extra load, which is really valid. Having
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: children is a huge responsibility and it's a lot. And
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: if he feels like he's at full capacity, he's at
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: full capacity for telling you Yeah, he's being really honest
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: and open about that, and I don't think it's something
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: he should be forced or pressured into. If roles were
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: reversed and he was pressuring you to do something, it
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: wouldn't feel very good, you know.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a lifelong resentment if he were to do
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: something that he didn't want, and roles are reverse, same
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: thing for you. If he wanted children and you didn't
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: want to, but you did it for him, you would
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: then resent him for that decision, And that's a lifelong
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: commitment to resentment of which is a really hard thing,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: and I think it can be a really hard thing
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: to come to terms with, especially the disappointment of not
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: getting on, especially around bringing another child into the world.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: But also one the fact that you guys have both
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: been honest about where you're at is a really good
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: sign in your relationship that you both can be honest,
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: which means that it's a safe place. I think that's important.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: But I do think in reallyationships there is some level
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: of compromise that would happen, and unfortunately, this is just
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: one of those really sticky situations where you both are
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: really strong on something and are struggling to find common
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: ground with it.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I honestly wish I had to answer few on how
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: to not make the ache so strong for you and
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: the desire, But I don't have an answer for you.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I think if I was in your situation, and remember
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: this is like just advice that we would give each
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: other if we would go through this. Whenever something isn't
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: kind of going my way or I feel like there
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: isn't an option, I have to surrender to that and
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: let go of that outcome that I was desiring. I
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: try and lean on gratitude. Yeah, I went through this situation.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: It's different. But when I was trying to fall pregnant
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: with Tala, it took us eleven months, and every single
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: month that I got a negative pregnancy test, I was
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: so heartbroken, so disappointed. But what got me through was
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: one trusting the universe and it's timing too. Leaning on gratitude,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: I was like, I am so grateful I have a
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: healthy little boy with me. Some families never get the
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: opportunity to even have a baby. Some women are not
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: even falling pregnant. So the fact that I had one
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: healthy baby, I was like, if this is meant for
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: our family just to be a dynamic of three. I'm
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: so grateful for that. Yeah, and it helped me let
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: go of the pain and disappointment of not having another baby.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: So I don't know if that's helpful. I don't know
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: if that is something that you can compromise on and
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: accept and let go and just like lean on your
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: little boys and enjoy what you do have. I don't
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: think it's the full solution or answer, But if Tiana
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: was coming to me with this, and if I was
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: going through what you were going through, that is what
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I would think I would lean on.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: I think that's beautiful. That's a good way to like
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: kind of have like a reframe. A reframe, Yeah, we
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: have to do in life for sure times. The other
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: thing that you can kind of look at within this
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: dynamic is obviously there's a really strong pool to you
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: wanting to have another child, and there's again nothing wrong
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: with that, it's really beautiful. But what could be really
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: cool for you to look at is what do you
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: think having a third child is going to give you? Like,
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: is there a certain feeling, a certain experience, a certain
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: sense of fulfillment that maybe you're seeking. Curious if that's
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: maybe something that you are able to fulfill yourself temporarily,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: do you know what I mean?
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Kids that I don't know. I don't think. I don't
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: think so only because I've had that pull and desire
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: when I decided I want another baby. Yeah, that's all
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I thought about it, that's all I wanted. Like, nothing
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: could feel that voy because once you've had a baby, like,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: you just know that feeling. Yeah, because I feel for
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: her on that, I get I can see where you're
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: coming from. But it's just such a different desire. Nothing
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: fulfills that, and nothing makes your heart explode more than
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: babies like yeah, own children, Like it's just the most beautiful.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: I can see why women go back for more and more.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I guess because I haven't had that feeling before,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I can't fully understand that. Yeah, I think I'm just thinking. Okay, well,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: if right now, temporarily there's nothing that you guys can
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: kind of compromise on, how can you look within and go, okay,
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: what is it that I'm seeking?
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: What am I wanting more of connection? More love or
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: connection more love?
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: And I create that in my current life now and
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: then go, okay, I still want that, and that's okay.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: That you want that, and then exploring what that might
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: look like moving forward.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I also haven't had gender disappointment, but I've had a
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: lot of girlfriends that have had gender disappointment when they've
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: had multiple boys and they're wanting a girl. So I
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: think that desire for a girl is so real for
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: a lot of girls. Yeah, Like I said, I can't
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: relate personally, I actually wanted boys, but the friends that
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: I've watched go through it, it was so real, like
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: finding out they were having another boy, they were like devastated,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: And it's something a lot a lot of people talk
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: about because so shamely should be grateful that, yeah, pregnantly
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: healthy babyaby, yeah, and all that can be there, and
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you can still be disappointed, of course. And I know
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I've got such a beautiful relationship with my mum, so
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I can see how that desires so real. So I
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: think that would be playing on her too. I assume
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: that's an assumption, but I'm assuming that's there as well.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: You feel like you're almost missing out on that experience
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: of having a baby girl.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I think what would be cool is to get curious
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: about is this really like a non negotiable for you?
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Like is it really something that you are so one
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: hundred and ten percent set on that you were like,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: I am just not done, or is it a conversation
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: of this is something I able to compromise on because
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: when I love my family, I love the dynamic, I
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: love my partner, I love all the things, and I
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: would be happy with the life that we have right now.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: Where do you fall in that foo daily?
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: Because if it's a non negotiable, you do actually have
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: the choice to leave and find someone.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: My children, that's right.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: And that's why I'm saying that, because I think it's
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: important to really figure out where you sit on the scale.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Maybe right now it's like the lines of blurred, it's.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Not really blowing off the family unit. Yeah, I did
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: say that when I used to speak to my friends.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: If this is coming into play the whole gender disappointment.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: When I wanted two boys, I had so many people
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, don't you want a daughter
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: to experience that? But all my friends had had daughters. Yeah,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I was like, if it's to be the cool Auntie ken,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I'm a missing out, Yes, Like I don't feel like
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I'm missing out at all. They would definitely come to me.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I could take them for the nail dates and turn
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: up to their formal and be there for their boy
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: advice and go on holidays. Like, I don't think I
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: was going to miss out because I just found other
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: ways to get that little girl fun in connection. Yeah,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: it's like you wanted what you wanted and that was
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: perfect for you. Yeah. I don't know if that's helpful
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: at all of my You might be listening being like
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I don't want nieces, I want my daughter, you know
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I get that, Yeah for sure, But yeah I wish
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I had solutions. But that's the advice I would give. Yeah,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: but we're sending you so much love what you're going through.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I think your heart's still grieving too.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: I think over time maybe it might not feel as painful,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: But right now it sounds like you're in the thick
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: of the grief and the frustration of wanting your desires
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: and not being able to get it.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is giving yourself permission to
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: feel the disappointment. Yeah, like really letting it in, really
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: letting yourself grieve it, feel it, cry it out, get frustrated,
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: scream in the car, hit the pillows all of it,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: Like let that energy out of your body, you know,
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: because it is so important to you and you are
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: going to feel that level of frustration, and better to
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: feel through it than to, you know, continue stacking that
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: against your partner because at the end of the day,
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: you guys are a team. Yeah, you know, it's not
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: you verse him, it's you and him versus the problem. Yeah.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Another thing I would do to is get a relationship coach. Yeah,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: when Eversteve and I have gone through something where we're
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: just struggling to meet either they didn't have to be
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: a big blow up, just something where we're disagreeing or
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: it's causing friction or we think it's going to cause resentment,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: and we just need like an outside perspective, having someone
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: sit with you and be the mediator and help hear
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: each other's point of views more clearly and maybe come
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: up with different avenues to go down or trial. Like,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I think that would be super helpful if you guys
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: are both open to it. It could be one session,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: or it could be going once a month for the
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: next six months, just to explore to see how you
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: can both heal your hearts and meet in the middle.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Because it sounds like you're almost like separating from wanting
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: different things.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful day.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but sending lots of.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Love to you. Give us an update, let us know
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: how you go, what you think of this, and any
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: more contacts that you might have, or if there's any
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: more conversations that you guys have had. We'd love to
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: hear about it.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: And you're also more than welcome to slide into our
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: DMS as well. You can stay in onymous like anything
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: that comes in, like a lot of our submissions we've done,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: like even the Herpies one. Yeah, the girl reached out
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: and she was like, thank you so much for dissolving
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: my shame. And it's really nice to hear from you guys.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: So if you ever want to reach out too, like
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: it will stay in the vould be for you. We'd
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: love an update. And if you're listening and you're like,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm in the sticky situation, I would
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: love their advice. We've got a link. It's in our
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Facebook forum. It's also in the description box below.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Click it.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: We can't see who writes it out. Give us as
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: much context as possible, and your sticky situation with the
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: next episode.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds good and well, hopefully we'll see you then.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Bye ladies, Bye,