Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / What Avoidants SECRETLY Hope For When You Go No Contact

Transcript

What Avoidants SECRETLY Hope For When You Go No Contact · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If your ex is an avoidant, you know how confusing their
• 0:11
  behavior can be. Hot and cold, pulling away when
• 0:15
  things get deep. But what happens when you go no
• 0:19
  contact after the breakup? Do they miss you?
• 0:21
  Do they even care? Well, psychology and attachment
• 0:26
  research actually have some answers.
• 0:29
  So in this video I'm going to talk about what avoidance really
• 0:32
  feel during no contact, the surprising things they secretly
• 0:36
  hope for, and what this means for you.
• 0:40
  But first, hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
• 0:43
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:46
  you get your ex back or to give it over your ex.
• 0:49
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 0:52
  Have you been a good little soldier and stayed in no
• 0:54
  contact? Well if you're having trouble
• 0:56
  with that, be sure to download my app Silencio, which is
• 1:00
  underneath the link for it, underneath every single video
• 1:02
  and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:05
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is hit the
• 1:08
  subscribe button. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:12
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:16
  you purchase the book. OK, so first let's clarify what
• 1:21
  a voiding attachment looks like. Avoidance value independence.
• 1:28
  A 2015 study in Personality and Social Psychology Review found
• 1:34
  that avoidance associate closeness with loss of freedom,
• 1:39
  and as an avoidant, I can verify that.
• 1:43
  So they might withdraw when things feel too close or when
• 1:48
  they're under stress. And they'll use deactivating
• 1:52
  strategies like distancing to cope, suppress their emotions,
• 1:57
  or downplay relationship needs or fear being engulfed and
• 2:04
  controlled. But here's the thing, avoidance
• 2:08
  do care. They just struggle to show it in
• 2:11
  ways that feel safe to them. When you first go no contact, an
• 2:17
  avoidance often feels regrief. Yes, I said regrief.
• 2:22
  I'm blending relief and grief. So here's why space feels safe.
• 2:30
  No contact removes the pressure to engage emotionally, which
• 2:35
  they might have found overwhelming.
• 2:39
  Avoidance report lower stress levels when given space after
• 2:44
  conflict. That's why the worst thing you
• 2:48
  can do is to reach out to them when they first break up with
• 2:53
  you or if you're dating an avoidant and they want space and
• 2:58
  you go after them because you're actors, you're like, no, no, we
• 3:01
  got to discuss this now. We got to discuss this now.
• 3:04
  And they're just going to want to get away from you.
• 3:09
  They regain control, avoidance, pull away to reclaim their
• 3:14
  autonomy. So you're no contact does the
• 3:18
  work for them, they assume you've moved on.
• 3:23
  They're going to interpret silence as confirmation that
• 3:26
  you're done, which aligns with their belief that relationships
• 3:31
  are temporary. Now studies also show that
• 3:35
  avoidance actively inhibit attachment related thoughts,
• 3:42
  meaning they train themselves not to miss you.
• 3:49
  Yes I know that's not what you want to hear, but again, as an
• 3:52
  avoidant I can confirm this. This is what I This is why I
• 3:55
  feel that being an avoidant is a superpower because we can train
• 4:00
  ourselves to not miss someone. I love it.
• 4:05
  But this stage is usually short lived because once the initial
• 4:09
  calm settles, something else creeps in.
• 4:13
  And a 2012 study in Psychological Science found that
• 4:18
  avoidance do experience attachment anxiety just later
• 4:25
  than other types. So here's what happens After
• 4:29
  about three to six weeks of no contact, their subconscious
• 4:34
  starts to process the loss, even if they want to admit it.
• 4:39
  Now, that does not mean that they're going to reach out
• 4:43
  within three to six weeks, OK? It just means they're starting
• 4:48
  to look at the loss differently. Their attachment system finally
• 4:53
  kicks in and they'll start to miss the connection.
• 4:58
  They'll wonder if you're happier without them, and this triggers
• 5:03
  their fear of being replaceable. They may test you and avoidance
• 5:10
  often initiate casual contact like a meme or a quote UN quote
• 5:17
  accidental like or a vague text. And this is to gauge your
• 5:22
  response. And here's the catch.
• 5:25
  They rarely come back with grand gestures.
• 5:30
  That's just not our style. Their re engagement is subtle
• 5:35
  because their fear of rejection is still there.
• 5:40
  So here's the heart of it. To answer the question when you
• 5:46
  go no contact. What avoidance hoped for are a
• 5:50
  few things. A 2019 study found avoidance
• 5:55
  feels safer when partners show consistent but non intrusive
• 6:02
  interest. They hope you'll respect their
• 6:06
  need for space without abandoning them.
• 6:09
  Yes, I know that's a paradox. So they want to know you're
• 6:13
  still there, but they don't want you too close.
• 6:20
  They also hope that the connection isn't fully broken.
• 6:25
  They do fear abandonment, they just express it differently than
• 6:29
  other attachment styles. They hope that you'll prove
• 6:35
  their relationship is safe, meaning if you don't chase or
• 6:39
  punish them, it challenges their belief that intimacy equals
• 6:44
  control. If you're not chasing them or
• 6:48
  punishing them, you're not trying to control the narrative,
• 6:53
  and that's a good thing in their eyes.
• 6:56
  And finally, they hope that you've grown emotionally.
• 7:01
  Avoidance are drawn to secure people, so if you're calm and
• 7:06
  independent it challenges their fear that relationships equal
• 7:11
  neediness. Now no contact works best when
• 7:15
  it's about your healing, not manipulation.
• 7:20
  Avoidance hate weakness and admire strength.
• 7:25
  So when you chase them and break no contact, they see that as
• 7:30
  weak and they are repulsed by that.
• 7:34
  The ick factor pops up but, and this is critical, they don't
• 7:41
  respond to pressure. What they don't hope for is
• 7:47
  drama, guilt trips or desperate pleas.
• 7:54
  Those confirm their fears that it's not safe to be with you and
• 8:00
  they'll pull away if they sense any guilt tripping or
• 8:03
  desperation. So basically you need to stay in
• 8:07
  no contact and don't interpret their silence as indifference.
• 8:13
  It's often confusion, self protection and or slow
• 8:19
  processing emotions. And when you do interact with
• 8:24
  them, you have to act as if their absence and the breakup no
• 8:29
  longer bother you. Even if you're dying inside.
• 8:32
  I know pouring out your feelings or trying to get closure is only
• 8:39
  going to backfire, which is why I'm so against both of those
• 8:44
  things. I hate them with a passion.
• 8:48
  So if you want your avoidant ex back, secure behavior is most
• 8:53
  likely what will make them wonder if they made a mistake
• 8:58
  and start to reconsider their decision.
• 9:01
  OK so now I want to hear from you.
• 9:04
  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
• 9:08
  And if you would like my help to get your ex back you can contact
• 9:12
  me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 9:18
  They are not on the website and if you don't hear back from us
• 9:22
  check your spam folder and if there's no e-mail from us then
• 9:27
  contact us either from another e-mail address or on one of my
• 9:32
  socials. And the link to the socials is
• 9:35
  underneath every single video. If you found this video helpful,
• 9:40
  please give it a like. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:43
  podcast and you want to help the show, then just download this
• 9:47
  episode. And finally, remember, love
• 9:50
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.