Latest / Notes to Her / Note 53: If It Costs Your Peace, It’s Too Expensive

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Note 53: If It Costs Your Peace, It’s Too Expensive · Notes to Her

• 0:15
  Hey,
• 0:15
  girl.
• 0:16
  Hey.
• 0:16
  Welcome
• 0:16
  back
• 0:16
  to
• 0:17
  Notes
• 0:17
  to
• 0:17
  her,
• 0:17
  the
• 0:17
  daily
• 0:18
  pep
• 0:18
  talk.
• 0:18
  I'm
• 0:18
  Yaya,
• 0:19
  your
• 0:19
  confidence
• 0:19
  and
• 0:20
  mindset
• 0:20
  coach,
• 0:20
  here
• 0:21
  to
• 0:21
  help
• 0:21
  you
• 0:21
  stop
• 0:21
  shrinking,
• 0:22
  stop
• 0:22
  second
• 0:23
  guessing,
• 0:23
  and
• 0:23
  start
• 0:24
  protecting
• 0:24
  the
• 0:24
  woman
• 0:24
  that
• 0:25
  you're
• 0:25
  becoming.
• 0:26
  Now,
• 0:26
  I
• 0:26
  want
• 0:26
  to
• 0:26
  talk
• 0:27
  about
• 0:27
  boundaries.
• 0:27
  And
• 0:28
  before
• 0:28
  your
• 0:28
  shoulders
• 0:28
  tense
• 0:29
  up,
• 0:29
  before
• 0:30
  your
• 0:30
  mind
• 0:30
  goes
• 0:31
  to
• 0:31
  confrontation
• 0:31
  or
• 0:32
  conflict,
• 0:33
  take
• 0:33
  a
• 0:33
  breath.
• 0:34
  Boundaries
• 0:35
  aren't
• 0:35
  about
• 0:35
  being
• 0:36
  harsh.
• 0:36
  They
• 0:37
  aren't
• 0:37
  about
• 0:37
  pushing
• 0:37
  people
• 0:38
  away.
• 0:39
  They
• 0:39
  aren't
• 0:39
  about
• 0:39
  becoming
• 0:40
  cold
• 0:40
  or
• 0:40
  rigid.
• 0:42
  Boundaries
• 0:42
  are
• 0:42
  about
• 0:43
  protecting
• 0:43
  your
• 0:43
  peace,
• 0:44
  your
• 0:44
  energy,
• 0:45
  your
• 0:45
  nervous
• 0:46
  system,
• 0:46
  your
• 0:47
  identity.
• 0:48
  And
• 0:48
  I
• 0:48
  love
• 0:48
  talking
• 0:49
  about
• 0:49
  this,
• 0:49
  because
• 0:50
  boundaries
• 0:50
  are
• 0:50
  one
• 0:50
  of
• 0:50
  the
• 0:51
  clearest
• 0:51
  forms
• 0:52
  of
• 0:52
  self
• 0:52
  love.
• 0:53
  They're
• 0:53
  not
• 0:53
  dramatic,
• 0:54
  they're
• 0:55
  protective.
• 1:04
  Now,
• 1:05
  there's
• 1:05
  a
• 1:05
  myth
• 1:05
  that
• 1:05
  boundaries
• 1:06
  are
• 1:06
  selfish.
• 1:07
  That
• 1:07
  when
• 1:07
  you
• 1:07
  set
• 1:08
  one,
• 1:08
  you're
• 1:08
  rejecting
• 1:09
  somebody.
• 1:10
  That
• 1:10
  saying
• 1:10
  no
• 1:11
  makes
• 1:11
  you
• 1:11
  difficult,
• 1:12
  that
• 1:12
  asking
• 1:12
  for
• 1:13
  space
• 1:13
  makes
• 1:13
  you
• 1:13
  ungrateful,
• 1:14
  that
• 1:15
  expressing
• 1:15
  a
• 1:15
  need
• 1:15
  makes
• 1:16
  you
• 1:16
  high
• 1:16
  maintenance.
• 1:17
  And
• 1:17
  if
• 1:17
  you
• 1:18
  grew
• 1:18
  up
• 1:18
  in
• 1:18
  an
• 1:18
  environment
• 1:19
  where
• 1:19
  keeping
• 1:19
  the
• 1:19
  peace
• 1:20
  was
• 1:20
  more
• 1:20
  important
• 1:20
  than
• 1:21
  expressing
• 1:21
  your
• 1:21
  needs,
• 1:22
  of
• 1:22
  course
• 1:23
  boundaries
• 1:23
  are
• 1:23
  going
• 1:23
  to
• 1:24
  feel
• 1:24
  intimidating.
• 1:25
  Because
• 1:25
  somewhere
• 1:26
  along
• 1:26
  the
• 1:26
  way
• 1:26
  you
• 1:26
  learn.
• 1:27
  Love
• 1:27
  equals
• 1:28
  accommodation.
• 1:29
  Love
• 1:29
  equals
• 1:30
  flexibility.
• 1:31
  Love
• 1:31
  equals
• 1:32
  endurance.
• 1:33
  So
• 1:33
  when
• 1:33
  you
• 1:33
  start
• 1:33
  talking
• 1:34
  about
• 1:34
  boundaries,
• 1:35
  your
• 1:35
  nervous
• 1:35
  system
• 1:36
  interprets
• 1:36
  it
• 1:37
  as
• 1:37
  a
• 1:37
  risk.
• 1:38
  Risk
• 1:38
  of
• 1:38
  conflict,
• 1:39
  risk
• 1:39
  of
• 1:39
  rejection,
• 1:40
  risk
• 1:41
  of
• 1:41
  being
• 1:41
  misunderstood.
• 1:42
  But
• 1:43
  here's
• 1:43
  what
• 1:43
  boundaries
• 1:44
  actually
• 1:44
  are.
• 1:45
  Their
• 1:45
  clarity,
• 1:46
  their
• 1:47
  self
• 1:47
  respect.
• 1:48
  They're
• 1:48
  a
• 1:48
  line
• 1:49
  between
• 1:49
  what's
• 1:49
  yours
• 1:50
  to
• 1:50
  carry
• 1:50
  and
• 1:51
  what's
• 1:51
  not.
• 1:52
  Boundaries
• 1:52
  don't
• 1:52
  reject
• 1:53
  people.
• 1:53
  They
• 1:54
  reveal
• 1:54
  who
• 1:54
  respects
• 1:55
  you.
• 1:56
  And
• 1:56
  that's
• 1:56
  uncomfortable
• 1:57
  because
• 1:58
  sometimes
• 1:58
  it
• 1:58
  shows
• 1:58
  you
• 1:59
  things
• 1:59
  that
• 1:59
  you
• 1:59
  didn't
• 1:59
  want
• 2:00
  to
• 2:00
  see.
• 2:01
  Let's
• 2:02
  talk
• 2:02
  about
• 2:02
  why
• 2:02
  this
• 2:02
  is
• 2:03
  hard,
• 2:03
  because
• 2:04
  I
• 2:04
  know
• 2:04
  that
• 2:05
  it
• 2:05
  is.
• 2:05
  Especially
• 2:06
  if
• 2:06
  you
• 2:06
  are
• 2:06
  a
• 2:06
  recovering
• 2:07
  people
• 2:07
  pleaser.
• 2:08
  You
• 2:08
  don't
• 2:08
  just
• 2:08
  say
• 2:09
  no.
• 2:09
  You
• 2:09
  say,
• 2:10
  I'm
• 2:10
  sorry,
• 2:11
  I
• 2:11
  wish
• 2:11
  I
• 2:11
  could,
• 2:12
  but
• 2:12
  maybe
• 2:13
  next
• 2:13
  time.
• 2:14
  I
• 2:14
  just
• 2:14
  have
• 2:14
  so
• 2:14
  much
• 2:14
  going
• 2:15
  on.
• 2:15
  You
• 2:16
  offer
• 2:16
  explanations,
• 2:17
  you
• 2:17
  over
• 2:18
  justify.
• 2:19
  You
• 2:19
  soften
• 2:20
  your
• 2:20
  tone.
• 2:20
  You
• 2:21
  laugh
• 2:21
  while
• 2:21
  you're
• 2:22
  saying
• 2:22
  it.
• 2:22
  You
• 2:23
  want
• 2:23
  to
• 2:23
  keep
• 2:24
  the
• 2:24
  peace.
• 2:24
  You
• 2:25
  want
• 2:25
  to
• 2:25
  make
• 2:25
  sure
• 2:25
  that
• 2:25
  nobody
• 2:26
  feels
• 2:26
  uncomfortable.
• 2:27
  I
• 2:27
  know
• 2:28
  this
• 2:28
  because
• 2:28
  I've
• 2:28
  done
• 2:28
  it
• 2:29
  too.
• 2:29
  And
• 2:29
  here's
• 2:30
  what
• 2:30
  happens
• 2:30
  when
• 2:30
  you
• 2:31
  constantly
• 2:31
  cushion
• 2:32
  your
• 2:32
  no.
• 2:33
  You
• 2:33
  train
• 2:33
  people
• 2:33
  to
• 2:34
  believe
• 2:34
  your
• 2:34
  boundaries
• 2:35
  are
• 2:35
  negotiable.
• 2:36
  And
• 2:36
  when
• 2:36
  you
• 2:36
  finally
• 2:37
  mean
• 2:37
  it,
• 2:37
  they're
• 2:38
  confused
• 2:38
  because
• 2:39
  you've
• 2:39
  been
• 2:39
  overextending
• 2:40
  for
• 2:40
  years.
• 2:41
  But
• 2:41
  you
• 2:41
  don't
• 2:41
  owe
• 2:42
  anyone
• 2:42
  an
• 2:42
  explanation.
• 2:43
  Now,
• 2:44
  I
• 2:44
  know
• 2:44
  this
• 2:44
  is
• 2:44
  hard,
• 2:44
  like
• 2:45
  I
• 2:45
  said,
• 2:45
  especially
• 2:45
  as
• 2:46
  a
• 2:46
  people
• 2:46
  pleaser.
• 2:46
  You
• 2:47
  want
• 2:47
  to
• 2:47
  explain
• 2:48
  yourself
• 2:48
  so
• 2:48
  they
• 2:48
  understand
• 2:49
  you,
• 2:49
  want
• 2:50
  to
• 2:50
  make
• 2:50
  sure
• 2:50
  they
• 2:50
  don't
• 2:50
  misinterpret
• 2:51
  you.
• 2:51
  But
• 2:52
  clarity
• 2:52
  doesn't
• 2:53
  require
• 2:54
  justification.
• 2:55
  No
• 2:56
  is
• 2:56
  enough.
• 2:57
  And
• 2:57
  the
• 2:57
  discomfort
• 2:58
  you
• 2:58
  feel
• 2:58
  after
• 2:58
  saying
• 2:59
  it,
• 2:59
  that's
• 3:00
  growth.
• 3:01
  Boundaries
• 3:02
  protect
• 3:02
  your
• 3:03
  energy.
• 3:03
  And
• 3:04
  energy
• 3:04
  isn't
• 3:04
  just
• 3:05
  emotional,
• 3:05
  it's
• 3:06
  biological.
• 3:07
  When
• 3:07
  you
• 3:08
  over
• 3:08
  commit,
• 3:09
  over
• 3:09
  give,
• 3:10
  overextend,
• 3:11
  your
• 3:11
  nervous
• 3:12
  system
• 3:12
  goes
• 3:12
  into
• 3:13
  stress.
• 3:14
  Your
• 3:14
  body
• 3:14
  tightens,
• 3:15
  your
• 3:16
  patience
• 3:16
  thins,
• 3:17
  your
• 3:17
  mind
• 3:18
  races.
• 3:19
  You
• 3:19
  start
• 3:19
  snapping
• 3:20
  at
• 3:20
  people
• 3:20
  that
• 3:20
  you
• 3:20
  love.
• 3:21
  You
• 3:21
  feel
• 3:21
  resentful.
• 3:22
  And
• 3:23
  then
• 3:23
  you
• 3:23
  criticize
• 3:24
  yourself
• 3:24
  for
• 3:24
  being
• 3:25
  irritable.
• 3:26
  But
• 3:26
  the
• 3:26
  irritation
• 3:27
  isn't
• 3:27
  the
• 3:27
  problem.
• 3:28
  The
• 3:28
  lack
• 3:28
  of
• 3:29
  the
• 3:29
  boundary
• 3:29
  is.
• 3:30
  Boundaries
• 3:31
  regulate
• 3:31
  our
• 3:31
  nervous
• 3:32
  system.
• 3:32
  They
• 3:32
  create
• 3:33
  predictability,
• 3:34
  they
• 3:34
  give
• 3:34
  you
• 3:35
  space,
• 3:35
  they
• 3:36
  allow
• 3:36
  your
• 3:36
  body
• 3:37
  to
• 3:37
  exhale.
• 3:38
  And
• 3:38
  a
• 3:38
  regulated
• 3:39
  woman.
• 3:39
  She
• 3:40
  makes
• 3:40
  better
• 3:40
  decisions.
• 3:41
  She
• 3:41
  trusts
• 3:42
  herself
• 3:42
  more,
• 3:43
  she
• 3:43
  doesn't
• 3:43
  spiral
• 3:44
  as
• 3:44
  easy.
• 3:45
  And
• 3:45
  boundaries
• 3:46
  are
• 3:46
  truly
• 3:47
  self
• 3:47
  care
• 3:48
  in
• 3:48
  action.
• 3:50
  Now
• 3:50
  this
• 3:51
  is
• 3:51
  where
• 3:51
  it
• 3:51
  gets
• 3:51
  deeper.
• 3:52
  Boundaries
• 3:52
  aren't
• 3:53
  just
• 3:53
  about
• 3:53
  time
• 3:54
  management,
• 3:54
  they're
• 3:55
  about
• 3:55
  identity.
• 3:56
  Every
• 3:56
  time
• 3:57
  you
• 3:57
  tolerate
• 3:58
  something
• 3:58
  that
• 3:58
  feels
• 3:58
  misaligned,
• 3:59
  you
• 3:59
  send
• 4:00
  yourself
• 4:00
  a
• 4:00
  message.
• 4:01
  My
• 4:01
  needs
• 4:01
  are
• 4:02
  negotiable.
• 4:03
  Every
• 4:03
  time
• 4:04
  you
• 4:04
  stay
• 4:04
  silent
• 4:05
  when
• 4:05
  something
• 4:05
  feels
• 4:05
  off,
• 4:06
  you
• 4:06
  teach
• 4:06
  yourself,
• 4:07
  my
• 4:07
  comfort
• 4:08
  doesn't
• 4:08
  matter.
• 4:09
  And
• 4:10
  over
• 4:10
  time,
• 4:11
  that
• 4:11
  erodes
• 4:11
  your
• 4:11
  confidence.
• 4:12
  Because
• 4:13
  confidence
• 4:13
  isn't
• 4:13
  loud,
• 4:14
  it's
• 4:14
  alignment.
• 4:16
  The
• 4:16
  woman
• 4:16
  that
• 4:16
  you're
• 4:16
  becoming,
• 4:17
  the
• 4:17
  one
• 4:17
  that
• 4:17
  you've
• 4:18
  been
• 4:18
  talking
• 4:18
  about
• 4:19
  all
• 4:19
  month,
• 4:20
  she
• 4:20
  doesn't
• 4:21
  over
• 4:21
  explain
• 4:21
  her
• 4:22
  standards.
• 4:22
  She
• 4:23
  doesn't
• 4:23
  beg
• 4:23
  to
• 4:23
  be
• 4:24
  respected.
• 4:24
  She
• 4:25
  honors
• 4:25
  herself
• 4:26
  first.
• 4:26
  Boundaries
• 4:27
  are
• 4:27
  how
• 4:27
  you
• 4:27
  become
• 4:28
  her.
• 4:28
  Not
• 4:29
  by
• 4:29
  forcing
• 4:29
  confidence,
• 4:30
  but
• 4:30
  by
• 4:30
  protecting
• 4:31
  your
• 4:32
  values.
• 4:34
  Now,
• 4:35
  without
• 4:35
  boundaries,
• 4:36
  you
• 4:36
  burn
• 4:36
  out.
• 4:37
  I
• 4:37
  know
• 4:37
  this,
• 4:38
  trust
• 4:38
  me.
• 4:38
  You
• 4:39
  start
• 4:39
  resenting
• 4:39
  people
• 4:40
  who
• 4:40
  don't
• 4:40
  even
• 4:40
  know
• 4:41
  that
• 4:41
  they
• 4:41
  have
• 4:41
  crossed
• 4:41
  the
• 4:42
  line.
• 4:42
  You
• 4:42
  feel
• 4:43
  unseen,
• 4:43
  unheard,
• 4:45
  undervalued.
• 4:46
  But
• 4:46
  no
• 4:46
  one
• 4:47
  can
• 4:47
  respect
• 4:47
  a
• 4:47
  boundary
• 4:48
  you
• 4:48
  haven't
• 4:49
  expressed.
• 4:50
  And
• 4:50
  that
• 4:50
  part
• 4:51
  is
• 4:51
  hard
• 4:51
  because
• 4:51
  it
• 4:52
  requires
• 4:52
  responsibility,
• 4:54
  not
• 4:54
  blame.
• 4:55
  Responsibility.
• 4:56
  Boundaries
• 4:57
  aren't
• 4:57
  about
• 4:57
  changing
• 4:58
  other
• 4:58
  people.
• 4:59
  They're
• 4:59
  about
• 4:59
  communicating
• 5:00
  what
• 5:01
  works
• 5:01
  for
• 5:01
  you.
• 5:02
  And
• 5:02
  if
• 5:02
  somebody
• 5:03
  repeatedly
• 5:04
  disrespects
• 5:04
  that,
• 5:05
  that's
• 5:05
  information
• 5:06
  that
• 5:06
  you
• 5:06
  need
• 5:06
  to
• 5:06
  be
• 5:06
  observant
• 5:07
  of.
• 5:10
  Now
• 5:10
  this
• 5:10
  is
• 5:10
  exactly
• 5:11
  why
• 5:11
  I
• 5:11
  created
• 5:12
  becoming
• 5:12
  her
• 5:13
  unapologetically.
• 5:14
  Because
• 5:14
  boundaries
• 5:15
  are
• 5:15
  easier
• 5:15
  to
• 5:15
  talk
• 5:15
  about
• 5:16
  than
• 5:16
  they
• 5:16
  are
• 5:16
  to
• 5:17
  embody.
• 5:18
  And
• 5:18
  this
• 5:18
  four
• 5:18
  week
• 5:19
  private
• 5:19
  coaching
• 5:19
  experience
• 5:20
  is
• 5:20
  for
• 5:20
  women
• 5:21
  who
• 5:21
  are
• 5:21
  done
• 5:21
  drinking,
• 5:22
  done
• 5:22
  second
• 5:22
  guessing,
• 5:23
  and
• 5:23
  ready
• 5:24
  to
• 5:24
  rebuild
• 5:24
  her
• 5:24
  self
• 5:25
  worth
• 5:25
  from
• 5:25
  the
• 5:25
  inside
• 5:26
  out.
• 5:26
  We
• 5:26
  work
• 5:27
  on
• 5:27
  boundaries
• 5:27
  without
• 5:28
  guilt,
• 5:28
  self
• 5:29
  trust
• 5:29
  in
• 5:29
  real
• 5:29
  life
• 5:30
  situations,
• 5:31
  releasing
• 5:31
  the
• 5:32
  patterns
• 5:32
  of
• 5:32
  self
• 5:33
  abandonment
• 5:34
  and
• 5:34
  showing
• 5:34
  up
• 5:34
  like
• 5:35
  the
• 5:35
  woman
• 5:35
  that
• 5:35
  you
• 5:35
  are
• 5:36
  becoming.
• 5:36
  If
• 5:37
  this
• 5:37
  episode
• 5:38
  hit
• 5:38
  something
• 5:38
  in
• 5:38
  you,
• 5:39
  if
• 5:39
  you're
• 5:39
  realizing
• 5:39
  that
• 5:40
  you've
• 5:40
  been
• 5:40
  tolerating
• 5:41
  more
• 5:41
  than
• 5:41
  you
• 5:41
  should,
• 5:42
  this
• 5:42
  space
• 5:42
  was
• 5:43
  created
• 5:43
  for
• 5:43
  you.
• 5:44
  So
• 5:44
  you
• 5:44
  can
• 5:44
  message
• 5:45
  me
• 5:45
  about
• 5:45
  the
• 5:45
  details
• 5:45
  or
• 5:46
  click
• 5:46
  the
• 5:46
  link
• 5:46
  that's
• 5:46
  gonna
• 5:46
  be
• 5:47
  in
• 5:47
  the
• 5:47
  show
• 5:47
  notes.
• 5:48
  Because
• 5:48
  I
• 5:48
  wanna
• 5:48
  help
• 5:48
  you
• 5:49
  rebuild
• 5:49
  the
• 5:49
  relationship
• 5:50
  that
• 5:50
  you
• 5:50
  have
• 5:51
  with
• 5:51
  yourself.
• 5:52
  Now
• 5:53
  remember
• 5:54
  Boundaries
• 5:54
  are
• 5:54
  not
• 5:54
  walls.
• 5:55
  They're
• 5:55
  standards.
• 5:56
  They
• 5:56
  are
• 5:56
  clarity.
• 5:57
  They
• 5:57
  are
• 5:58
  love.
• 5:58
  And
• 5:59
  the
• 5:59
  woman
• 5:59
  you're
• 5:59
  becoming,
• 6:00
  she
• 6:00
  doesn't
• 6:01
  disappear
• 6:01
  to
• 6:02
  keep
• 6:02
  other
• 6:02
  people
• 6:02
  comfortable.
• 6:03
  If
• 6:03
  it
• 6:04
  costs
• 6:04
  her
• 6:04
  peace,
• 6:05
  it's
• 6:05
  too
• 6:05
  expensive.
• 6:06
  Protecting
• 6:07
  her
• 6:07
  energy
• 6:08
  is
• 6:08
  not
• 6:08
  selfish.
• 6:09
  It's
• 6:09
  sacred.
• 6:10
  If
• 6:11
  you've
• 6:11
  been
• 6:11
  afraid
• 6:12
  of
• 6:12
  setting
• 6:12
  boundaries
• 6:13
  because
• 6:13
  you
• 6:13
  don't
• 6:13
  want
• 6:13
  to
• 6:14
  lose
• 6:14
  people,
• 6:15
  let
• 6:15
  me
• 6:15
  leave
• 6:15
  you
• 6:15
  with
• 6:16
  this.
• 6:17
  The
• 6:17
  right
• 6:17
  people
• 6:18
  will
• 6:18
  adjust.
• 6:19
  The
• 6:19
  wrong
• 6:20
  ones
• 6:20
  will
• 6:20
  expose
• 6:20
  themselves.
• 6:21
  Either
• 6:22
  way,
• 6:22
  you
• 6:23
  win.
• 6:24
  Protect
• 6:25
  your
• 6:25
  peace.
• 6:26
  Protect
• 6:26
  your
• 6:27
  energy.
• 6:28
  Protect
• 6:28
  your
• 6:28
  becoming.
• 6:29
  You
• 6:30
  deserve
• 6:30
  that.
• 6:30
  With
• 6:31
  love,
• 6:31
  Yaya.