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SEASON 7 | OUR VALUE WITH OTHERS · SECOND CLOCK™

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  What's your true nature? Your essence?
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  What makes you tick? This journey to find out is what
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  I refer to as your second clock. It's a chance to discover,
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  experience, challenge, and reconnect with what you value
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  most. Through clarity, love,
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  acceptance and reflection, you'll find your answers.
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  And what happens when you do? Well, You'll find you.
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  Join me. Click follow, like and subscribe
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  and let's see where this leads. I often wonder about our value
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  or our perceived value in other people's lives.
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  How relevant are we actually? How easy is it to replace us in
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  a relationship, in a family dynamic, in situations, and even
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  at work? And recently I watched my
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  daughter think about it in real time.
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  I went to go see her perform in a workshop.
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  Those things are kind of fast and loose with the rules.
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  You have a part, but things can change in real time.
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  And in the show they did and the changes impacted her.
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  That morning she was getting ready and she was all excited.
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  She was excited that I was going to go watch her perform.
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  I got there early so I could have a front row seat.
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  She was sitting against the wall with her friends getting ready
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  to take the stage. She was all smiles.
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  She went up to do her first part, then she sat down again.
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  Then her and her friends popped up to run to their second role.
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  But this time she was intercepted by the drama teacher
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  telling her that her role had been given to somebody else
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  because she didn't make one of the rehearsals.
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  I saw my daughter confused as she sat down once, sitting
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  straight up, all smiles. Now she was withering, slumped,
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  head drawn, and the tears started to fall.
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  I saw that whole arc of emotions settle into sadness and I kept
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  thinking about the little her inside.
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  It's the little me we all carry inside of us, the one that's
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  confused at times when other people make decisions that we
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  don't necessarily understand or aren't given enough information
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  so that we can understand. The one that protects us in
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  moments where we feel slighted or hurt.
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  She sat there and she couldn't hold back those emotions.
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  She had forgotten that she was in a play, part of a collective
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  1 where the rules change in the middle of the show.
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  She was more into protecting herself, and I think she was
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  thinking about where she fit in her value versus her perceived
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  value. I know in jobs we think that a
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  lot. I hear people say that they're
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  irreplaceable, that if they were to quit or be fired, it would
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  take five people to do their job.
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  And maybe we tell ourselves that.
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  So we feel pride of ownership, a reason to show up.
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  We feel valuable within a collective.
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  We feel irreplaceable. You can feel that way within
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  relationships, family dynamics, friendships.
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  You tell yourself what you need to to feel relevant and it makes
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  sense. But then I think about my
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  friend's husband's advice to her every time she comes home,
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  saying about how somebody forgot about her or somebody didn't pay
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  enough attention, etcetera, he reminds her, people aren't
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  thinking about you. You're not that important.
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  Nobody's that important. Everybody is worried about
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  themselves. Everybody is thinking about
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  themselves. At first when she told me this,
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  it sounded so harsh coming out of her mouth.
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  Even as I say it, it sounds harsh.
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  But then I started to digest that information and see it
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  differently. What if instead of seeing it
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  like nobody cares about you, you're easy to forget, Maybe
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  even a victim of being forgotten about, being replaced.
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  Instead, you're free to roam. Roam free knowing that nobody's
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  paying attention with that magnifying glass that we think
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  everybody has us under. Maybe we're just making cameos
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  in other people's movies. And when you think of it that
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  way, when was the last time you remembered a cameo on ATV Show?
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  You remember the star players, and in somebody else's movie,
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  their life, they are the star. So that means you've got to move
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  into position one in your life. You've got to make sure you
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  remember that you're the star. And that again goes back to me
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  remembering that we matter, that for every person, it's important
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  to remind yourself that you are the most important person in
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  your story. And you've got to keep that in
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  mind with all decisions you make, including how you protect
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  yourself in the moment or in the aftermath.
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  Like for my daughter, I wish he had gone up to the teacher later
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  and said, why did you cut my part?
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  It really hurt my feelings. I wish she had had the strength
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  to understand why she was hurt rather than carrying it with her
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  later in the day. That feeling of confusion just
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  sat with her, maybe even made her ruminate a little.
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  I'm hoping that that wasn't the case.
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  That usually is the case with adults.
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  We take a conversation we had with somebody and we replay it.
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  For what reason, I'm not sure. Things can't change, and if
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  something really did go South, we would know because somebody
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  would say something. But instead we waste time
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  thinking we're more important in somebody else's story than maybe
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  we are. So I'll share a story where I
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  was confronted with the truth. The truth about where I fit in
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  in a friendship. We had shared tons of hours
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  together and tons of stories. We had been there for each
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  other. And so one day when a friend of
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  mine called a mutual friend of ours, she said, I just got a
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  text from our friend. And it was a really weird text,
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  kind of sounds like a farewell text.
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  And she said, and I'm not the only one he sent this to.
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  He sent this to several people we know.
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  What do you think it means? I told her, I don't know, let me
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  check my phone. Let me see if he sent it to me.
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  Seeing that I was one of his closest friends.
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  I figured any minute now I'll get that text.
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  But I didn't. And I said to her, well, he
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  didn't text me. So I can't reach out.
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  I can't try to like join forces and figure out where he is.
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  He doesn't even know that I know that he's going through this,
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  but it sounds like he's reaching out for help and it's scary.
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  You should take it seriously and I'll check in with you to find
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  out what's going on. They ended up doing a welfare
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  check and the police showed up and I guess that got him to snap
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  out of it. When I saw him later that week,
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  I was curious, why didn't I get that text?
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  We were walking and I said what happened the other day and he
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  said it was nothing. Everybody's blowing it out of
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  proportion. And I said you were sending what
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  sounded like farewell text to your friends.
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  I think it sounded kind of serious.
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  He's like, no, I was just being nice, you know, sending well
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  wishes. I was like, that's not what
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  makes people call the cops to check on you.
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  And he downplayed it. And then my curiosity peaked,
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  and I said, I thought I was on your short list of close
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  friends. Yeah, you are.
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  And I said, well, why didn't I get a text?
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  And it's what he said that made me realize my relevance in that
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  friendship. And then I needed to re evaluate
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  it, re evaluate my true role versus my perceived role.
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  And he delivered the truth, his truth in a Riddle.
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  And that's when I saw the con man come out.
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  Then he said you were on my short list.
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  But I didn't start with my short list.
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  I started from the bottom of my long list.
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  I can't remember if my feet stopped in that moment or just
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  my thoughts. I knew he was pleased with his
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  answer. He was kind of grinning as
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  though he had fooled me yet again.
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  But I wasn't fooled. And at that moment I didn't want
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  to talk. I just wanted to go home.
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  Home with this new truth. The truth that maybe I didn't
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  want to see. That maybe my friend's husband
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  was right, that maybe people aren't thinking about us, that
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  were just not that important. I got home and I thought about
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  that situation and other relationships I had and my
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  perceived value versus my actual value.
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  And things started to get a little bit lighter for me.
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  I started to release this notion that we're irreplaceable.
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  I started to realize my place in the collective, kind of like my
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  daughter's place in the play. Everybody's part can be swapped
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  out, so somebody else can be swapped in.
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  I used to think when I'd have food in my teeth or something on
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  my face, that it was somebody else's obligation to tell me
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  that, that that would be the mark of a true and honest
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  friend, somebody that's looking out for you.
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  But then, and I think more and more about what my friend's
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  husband said and his advice to her that nobody's paying
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  attention to you. I thought, what if I've gotten
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  this all wrong? What if I've made having food in
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  your teeth or on your face or something in your hair more
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  relevant than it is? What if you walking around,
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  donning A matcha mustache, if you will, isn't actually a big
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  deal? What if nobody's actually
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  looking or paying that much attention to you?
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  What if the most important person paying attention to you
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  is you, and the other people are just passerby's, and even if
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  they stop and make conversation, they're just kind of noticing
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  all of you, not the sum of your parts.
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  Isn't that a freeing way to think about it?
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  Like nothing's that valuable? I've started to think that what
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  if it's about worrying less, not holding this idea that you've
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  been forgotten about or that you're a victim of somebody else
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  not noticing things or telling you.
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  Like you look in the mirror and you notice that you have spinach
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  between your teeth. Instead of thinking I'm so
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  embarrassed, how could I walk around and nobody tell me this?
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  You instead think, oh I've talked to many people today and
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  nobody noticed so I shouldn't care either.
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  That way of thinking about things, it changes the way you
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  move through the world. Things become easier and when
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  you find out that you're just not that important to somebody
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  like you thought you were or wanted to be, it releases your
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  need to be present for them. Show up when maybe you don't
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  want to. It makes it easier to say no.
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  It takes guilt out of decision making.
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  Like for my daughter, when they removed her part, I don't think
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  that they were trying to make her feel bad.
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  I actually think that they were thinking very little of her.
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  Not in a bad way, not in a she doesn't matter kind of way.
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  But I think that they were more focused on doing what was right
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  for the play. And maybe they thought that
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  giving another person apart would have been beneficial.
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  But it's equally as important that my daughter looked after
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  her own feelings and recognized that she didn't feel so great.
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  I wish she wasn't confused in the moment.
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  I wish she didn't feel let down or slighted.
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  I wish she didn't wonder why did this happen to me and all the
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  thoughts that we can think when these kind of things happen to
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  us. Instead, it might have been fun
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  for her to sit and watch all her friends perform.
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  The pressure was off, she didn't have to worry anymore, she could
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  just enjoy the view. But hopefully when she's a
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  little bit older, she'll release the hold of the little me, the
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  one we've all carried, sometimes too tightly, and the one that's
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  becoming easier to let go of more and more.
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  Thanks for listening. These episodes are unscripted.
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  They're my free flowing thoughts as I reflect back on past
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  conversations, experiences, what I've learned would like to do
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  better, and what's next. Join me on Thursdays for new
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  episodes and catch up on past episodes.
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  Click Follow, Like and subscribe and let's see where this leads.