Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Porn Use And Marriage

Transcript

Porn Use And Marriage · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:08
  Today, we're going to be talking about porn in marriage and this
• 0:12
  is a common issue that I see is that guys, in particular, or
• 0:15
  masturbating to porn very regularly, more regularly than
• 0:20
  they, then they tell me, or that they even kind of allow
• 0:23
  themselves to realize. And what this does to their
• 0:27
  marriage and, of course, since this is my podcast, I'm not just
• 0:31
  going to blame guys. There's also relationship
• 0:34
  issues. That can lead to either partner
• 0:37
  wanting to escape in any way and what is pouring, if not an
• 0:41
  outlet and an escape from something that's not
• 0:43
  satisfactory. Not always there's some
• 0:46
  situations where a guys getting laid left, right?
• 0:48
  And sideways but he's still obsessed with porn.
• 0:50
  We can talk about that sort of issue as well, but overall,
• 0:55
  while pouring can be fun and exciting for people to watch
• 0:58
  together within a long-term marriage and all of the The
• 1:05
  issues and the decrease in novelty and sexual frequency
• 1:11
  that accompanies marriage in general overuse or really any
• 1:16
  frequent use regular use of porn.
• 1:19
  I don't see it to be a positive and anybody that comes in.
• 1:24
  So we will talk about that. But first, of course, I must
• 1:27
  tell you guys to subscribe. I have some great subscriber
• 1:30
  episodes. I have like, I don't know, 60,
• 1:33
  70 of them. You get those if you subscribe.
• 1:37
  And last one is on binge eating and drinking and then I'm going
• 1:41
  to have another one coming out. Probably next.
• 1:43
  So anyway when we're talking about porn use than what's
• 1:47
  regular basically, the guy kind of things, how much do I want to
• 1:51
  have sex? And then subtracts how much he's
• 1:53
  having sex and the rest of the time uses porn.
• 1:56
  So, if you want some sex every day, it's so interesting because
• 1:59
  I had an article on daily sex and women were like, oh my
• 2:03
  husband wouldn't want that. And then of course, they asked
• 2:06
  and the guy did so. I mean, yeah, like I mean, this
• 2:09
  is just another example of how men and women really talk past
• 2:14
  each other within relationships and kind of have no idea what
• 2:18
  each other wants. But anyhow, so porn use they use
• 2:23
  as like something to fill in the Gap.
• 2:26
  So what can be wrong with that? Well, as it happens, many things
• 2:30
  can be wrong with it. So, the first one is that This
• 2:35
  is not anymore, Hustler and Playboy magazine.
• 2:38
  Where even the biggest idiot would know that the women are
• 2:42
  airbrushed and that there's certainly not a lot of women
• 2:44
  walking around that look like those women and that want to be
• 2:48
  in a public magazine being looked at for their naked body.
• 2:51
  So what used to be in before the age of internet porn?
• 2:54
  And this most recent, you know, these most recent years where
• 2:58
  it's proliferated beyond what anybody, you know, could ever
• 3:01
  predicted. I mean, of course like again.
• 3:05
  Anybody with any sense, tried to predict what the internet would
• 3:07
  be used for, they would have said porn, but, you know, my
• 3:10
  point is, there's wider variations.
• 3:12
  Now, as I'll get to in a sec than anybody could have ever
• 3:15
  really even conceptualized. It used to be that every guy was
• 3:20
  like, okay, I got my wife, there's like, regular women that
• 3:22
  look like my wife and that act like my wife.
• 3:24
  And then there's like these young, like, go naked girls,
• 3:28
  that want to be in a magazine with their boobs out or more.
• 3:32
  And this is not the usual person that I tend to encounter.
• 3:35
  Right. So basically, my life doesn't
• 3:37
  suck because it's not like these women are, you know, just on
• 3:41
  line at the grocery store. The ones that are in Hustler
• 3:43
  magazine. However, now there's amateur
• 3:47
  porn. So every guy that thinks that
• 3:49
  he's a big realist looks at amateur porn and they're like,
• 3:53
  oh my God, they're everywhere. These women that can't stop
• 3:56
  fucking. It's amazing.
• 3:57
  They're everywhere. They are the woman next to me on
• 3:59
  the checkout, line at the, you know what Walmart, they are the
• 4:03
  woman, who's the cashier, you know.
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  They heard the Starbucks Barista there everybody there, the
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  woman, my wife's age and they look just like her.
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  They have the same kind of body and the same kind of age.
• 4:13
  And so if these women are going to do it, kind of why doesn't my
• 4:16
  wife do it? So first of all, I've I've told
• 4:19
  you all this but of course goes without saying, it doesn't I
• 4:25
  have to say it. So I'm saying it.
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  Now it should go without saying that there is still an
• 4:28
  extremely. Extremely my new two percent of
• 4:32
  women in the world that are Going to allow themselves to be
• 4:36
  filmed or that would consent to being filmed.
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  And if they don't consent to being filmed by the way, if it's
• 4:44
  one of these things where they don't consent to being film, not
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  only is that on ethical but they're with us sociopath that
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  would do that. So women like that, I've
• 4:52
  horribly low self-esteem either which way either the women that
• 4:56
  are going to be with the men that are that are, you know,
• 4:59
  that have some subterfuge going on to film them or women that
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  are going to consent to being They put on the internet in some
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  sort of amateur porn thing. They're not the usual woman in
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  there. Nobody that you, that, that you
• 5:13
  can say, is just like your wife. They're just not there, not the
• 5:17
  average person, but the fact of it being called amateur porn in
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  the fact that they may be 40 or 50 instead of, you know, just
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  eighteen makes men think that there's all these women who are
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  just so sexually open that they're doing these kinds of
• 5:33
  things that they see in porn. Isn't accurate.
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  Also, when a man watches porn alot he kind of primed his brain
• 5:40
  to look for sex everywhere. So not only does he think that
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  there's women that are doing these kinds of things but he's
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  just thinking about sex all the time because every single day,
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  he sees like 1 million images really quickly burned into his
• 5:54
  brain from from, you know, the internet which goes gives you a
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  lot more images, a lot quicker than any magazine.
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  And so he's looking, he's looking at that, it's kind of
• 6:04
  like mainlining a drug. And so when he's looking around
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  him in the world, he sees sex everywhere.
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  Any woman that smile that I me think she's DTF, you know, she's
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  not and so it can kind of make a man, especially if he has any
• 6:18
  sort of addictive personality at all can make him think that
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  their sex everywhere even when there's not because he's very
• 6:24
  Prime these priming his brain to think about it like that.
• 6:28
  The next issue is that the man is not giving his a game as I
• 6:33
  talked about with the masturbation.
• 6:35
  Podcast. If he's masturbating to porn
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  every day, every other day, he's not giving his A-game to his
• 6:40
  wife because a man likes very different when they haven't
• 6:43
  gotten laid in two days or three days versus 12 hours, they
• 6:47
  really do. This is evolution, they're not
• 6:49
  going to be pursuing the woman as avidly because she's not the
• 6:53
  only game in town. The other game in town is a
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  montage of the most beautiful woman you've ever seen or the
• 6:59
  regular ones. If that suits more of your fancy
• 7:02
  and in whatever poses and Positions doing whatever you
• 7:06
  want them to do. So your wife isn't the only game
• 7:09
  in town, so you're not going to be bringing your A-game to the
• 7:12
  pursuit of her. So then some guys may say, well
• 7:16
  my wife does not want me. She certainly doesn't want me
• 7:19
  more than once a week and she's cool with me watching porn.
• 7:22
  However, she may not be cool with the type of sex that you're
• 7:25
  having and the sorts of resentment that is building,
• 7:29
  because of the way that you're subconsciously comparing her to
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  these women and the way that watch, An endless parade of
• 7:36
  these women. And these couples is kind of
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  burrowing itself into your brain.
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  Making you think that your relationship is worse than it is
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  because on some level, you're comparing your wife to these
• 7:46
  women and now even more insidiously, your relationship
• 7:50
  to these relationships of these amateur porn people.
• 7:54
  These swingers is hot wife, scenarios and so forth.
• 7:58
  You know, and this again is not just like watching like one hot
• 8:01
  woman pose for a naked picture. This is like, You know, you see
• 8:06
  it in all sorts of format, it's what really seems to be the
• 8:11
  comparison point for a lot of men are these couples, you know?
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  So the idea that there are these women that are so sexually, open
• 8:20
  that, they are streaming live streaming, the sex that they are
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  having, which is the majority, the majority is, it's consensual
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  of the things that the men watch that are these amateur porn
• 8:31
  things. And they are thinking that
• 8:33
  there's this whole like Large amount of women that are out
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  there and they're wife just isn't one of them.
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  It's making them feel more resentful than when they do get
• 8:42
  the wife into bed, as I discussed in the porn Montage
• 8:45
  podcast, they're trying to do all these things that they've
• 8:48
  seen throughout the week watching porn really quick,
• 8:51
  because they want a taste of all these different things that
• 8:54
  they've seen. So it, you know, really sum
• 8:57
  total of everything I'm saying is that porn is really not very
• 9:00
  helpful. Doesn't keep the guy focus on
• 9:02
  the woman doesn't make him. Look at her strength.
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  Is it is an obvious comparison Point, even if he says that it
• 9:08
  isn't. I mean, what if every night in
• 9:11
  order to go to sleep, the woman was secretly looking at a
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  montage of like fucking wedding proposals.
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  You think she's going to be fun to deal with the next day?
• 9:20
  Do you think she's going to be bringing her A-game to like to
• 9:24
  the man? No, she's going to be suffused
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  with rage and resentment. And if you are doing this, by
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  the way, if you're a woman listening and you are somebody
• 9:33
  who like Scrolls through other people's, Social media or like
• 9:36
  Tick-Tock and like, sees all these cute couples and you're
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  like, oh my God! That guy's so cute.
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  He's so nice to his wife. Oh my God!
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  There's all these guys that are just so sweet to their stop
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  doing that. Don't do that, it's like porn,
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  you know, I mean it was funny because on my Tick Tock, I
• 9:53
  posted something, my husband doing the laundry and I said,
• 9:57
  you know, not safe for work porn for women and I get old.
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  And it was, you know, supposed to be funny.
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  It was funny. So I got My my laughs, but but
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  like they're why did that? Because there was a trend on
• 10:10
  Tick-Tock of these guys posting themselves doing chores right in
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  there saying all your wife's your partner, she's not your
• 10:17
  mother so do chores, right? And that's great.
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  Gets them a lot of likes and it certainly publicizes, the idea
• 10:23
  that men should do chores, which is great.
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  All of my clients do that. But, you know, there seem to be
• 10:28
  other people that don't, so, yes, if you're a man do chores,
• 10:31
  but if your wife is watching, you know, Hot young buff guy,
• 10:39
  doing the fucking laundry and on his hands and knees scrubbing,
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  the floor, and then making her a meal, and all this shit.
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  You think she looking over at you with love fuck?
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  No, no, she's not, she's dead. She's barely can stop in herself
• 10:55
  for packing her suitcase and leaving, and it's the same way
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  that you're going to feel. When you see some woman, who's
• 11:01
  the same agency to demographic is your wife, which makes You
• 11:05
  feel so much better about yourself that you're not
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  superficially watching some girl.
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  That's like, you know, 21 years old.
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  It's even worse though because you're watching somebody who
• 11:13
  looks and acts and ostensibly should be your wife Spear and
• 11:17
  she's begging to get railed, do you think that this is going to
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  make you love your wife, when you crazy, of course not?
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  So would we ought to do? If we are focusing on why our
• 11:26
  relationship is not till I can bombard our senses with images
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  and videos of people that are acting in ways?
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  That we wish that our spouse would act because this is just
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  common sense. If you, if you see, you know,
• 11:41
  you get like sometimes those things have like these child
• 11:43
  prodigies, right? And so, watching this with my
• 11:46
  son, he wanted to watch, he does violin.
• 11:48
  He wanted to watch this child prodigies and watch a few of
• 11:50
  these child prodigies playing the violin on YouTube that I
• 11:53
  listened to him. I'm like, I don't know.
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  And it's pretty good right for prefer a little kid.
• 11:59
  But if you're watching the Apex of performance on anything, and
• 12:04
  Comparing it to your loved one to gonna come up a little bit
• 12:08
  short. So it is in no way
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  representative, the people that you're watching and pouring are
• 12:16
  in no way representative of any amount of people plus thing to
• 12:20
  yourself for a second, right? All the guys that are like oh
• 12:23
  maybe I could be in a relationship like that where I'm
• 12:25
  like live streaming my wife like as a hot wife and doing all this
• 12:30
  really did you like neglect to remember that you're like
• 12:33
  probably like Do like in a high up corporate position and you
• 12:38
  would never fucking do this ever.
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  And this is not your life and like, never, ever ever, would
• 12:44
  you actually put yourself out there and do this?
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  So, this is not somebody to compare yourself to because that
• 12:51
  really needs to be said, you know?
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  And it's the same thing with the women who are like, oh my God,
• 12:55
  all these guys are like escrito scrubbing, the whole floor doing
• 12:59
  this, that and the other and like, I don't know.
• 13:01
  Would you want to be like with a guy who's making his living like
• 13:04
  Testing like, doing chores on Tick-Tock probably not.
• 13:08
  So, anyway, my point is this, if you think that there's no
• 13:12
  nothing in your mind that like makes you compare your wife to
• 13:15
  porn, you're probably wrong. You could use it a little bit
• 13:18
  together. You could look at it for some
• 13:20
  ideas, you know, you could use it as a little cherry on top of
• 13:25
  another wise, good, sex life. But if you do not have another
• 13:28
  wise, good sex life, if there is any sort of resentment building,
• 13:31
  if you feel that, there is no, no.
• 13:35
  No, no feeling of Adventure and exploration and Rend excitement.
• 13:40
  The point is going to make you feel worse.
• 13:42
  Not better. So instead, you should try to
• 13:44
  work on the relationship that you have with the woman that you
• 13:46
  have, using the ways that I've told you to turn on a woman and
• 13:50
  to understand a woman and all of these things.
• 13:52
  But the looking at porn, it's probably going to make you feel
• 13:56
  worse. Not better.
• 13:57
  Now if you're like, but I seriously just need release and
• 14:01
  she doesn't want to have sex and I'm trying to make this shit
• 14:04
  work. Try to do without porn, you
• 14:06
  know, try to do it with just thinking, you know, like try to
• 14:09
  go analog, not digital and see how that goes and or try to have
• 14:15
  a sit-down conversation with your wife about if you had sex.
• 14:18
  Let's say two really awesome times a week, then you know, you
• 14:22
  wouldn't jerk-off, you know, you wouldn't have to, you wouldn't
• 14:26
  have to, by the way, if you're like oh my God.
• 14:28
  I'm just so veral that I'm just like you know, like masculine
• 14:33
  all over the place to the That I at age 45, let's say have to
• 14:38
  jerk off every day or I'm gonna die, you don't really have to do
• 14:41
  that, you know? And it could be a fun sexy thing
• 14:45
  to wait and do that with your wife assuming that she for her
• 14:49
  part. Most women don't like the idea
• 14:51
  of the guy masturbating secretly all the time.
• 14:53
  So for her part, if this was something that you guys were
• 14:56
  talking about together, you can refer back to my sexual
• 14:59
  codependence post and like you decided to be each other's Soul
• 15:03
  sexual outlet that could be Reinvigorating.
• 15:06
  You know, that could be something that would be fun for
• 15:09
  her and you to know that you were just going to be with each
• 15:12
  other. You know.
• 15:13
  That would be cool. That's like the only way that
• 15:15
  codependence is good. Now, code to code it like, I'm
• 15:18
  just using codependents colloquially, I really do mean
• 15:21
  still interdependence, because codependent has an unhealthy
• 15:24
  ring to it. So, for example, something that
• 15:27
  wouldn't be good as a woman being like, Oh my God, like, you
• 15:31
  really do masturbate that much like that's terrible.
• 15:33
  Like, and but I still And have sex more than once a week.
• 15:36
  So well, but I don't want you to masturbate.
• 15:39
  So you know, so you're just shit out of luck.
• 15:42
  Like, that's not good either, but a lot of women won't do
• 15:45
  that. Even if you think that yours is
• 15:46
  the one who will. She may not, if you come to her
• 15:49
  and say I really want our sex life to be together, you know,
• 15:53
  like I want to be, you know, passionately connected to you,
• 15:57
  the human that I love instead of doing this solo activity that I
• 16:02
  you know, do out of Being out of no feelings of love or anything.
• 16:07
  So I would rather be a form of love with you and what do you
• 16:11
  think and did you listen to, you know, did you read my recent
• 16:15
  post on having sex every day, by the way, daily intimacy, that is
• 16:19
  relevant here as well. You don't need to do a daily.
• 16:21
  Maybe can do it every other day, either way irrespective of what
• 16:25
  you continue, what you decide to do about, how often you have
• 16:28
  sex, the porn, maybe making you view your wife really really
• 16:33
  differently. And With the expectations.
• 16:36
  Yes, you know, intellectually that, you know, she can do all
• 16:40
  these positions that the woman does, but emotionally in the
• 16:43
  moment, you're going to feel very resentful that you're not
• 16:46
  partnered with one of these people that given how prevalent
• 16:49
  porn is. You think that there's millions
• 16:51
  of them out there that are just acting?
• 16:54
  You know, super sexual their husbands all the time there
• 16:57
  aren't you know, this is this is this is a small subset of the
• 17:01
  world that that is that is in porn.
• 17:04
  I Like you know that of course that's a small subset of the
• 17:07
  world like this isn't everybody and people should not be
• 17:10
  compared to that and they implicitly start to become
• 17:13
  compared to that. If you're looking at it all the
• 17:15
  time and you're priming yourself to want to have sex all the time
• 17:17
  and you're priming yourself to look at women as though they
• 17:20
  want to have sex all the time, then then you're not doing
• 17:22
  anything good for your marriage and that is where I will end and
• 17:25
  I'll talk to everybody soon.