Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / What if Discomfort Isn't Something We Always Need to Escape? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly: What if discomfort isn't something we always need to escape? Rather, something we can learn from. Discomfort is usually treated like an enemy, something to fix, avoid, suppress, or get away from. What if discomfort is sometimes a messenger? Not every uncomfortable feeling means we need to push through. Sometimes we need to sit with it long enough to understand it. Welcome back to Thinking Out Loud. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we begin, quick note this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. take what resonates and leave the rest. Here we slow down and we explore life's great areas, especially in relationships and behavior patterns we can observe and reflect on. I am not here to tell you what to think. I am here to offer framework to help you understand your relationships, strengthen your thinking, And hold space for complexity. Complexity. Let's get to thinking out loud. To be blunt, I don't like it when people are 15 minutes late. I don't like being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a task or trying to communicate a thought. I don't like to do debates that feel like gotcha moments or reactions of here are my hot takes, rather than thoughtful responses. I don't like to debate things just to debate things. I don't enjoy silence and avoidance. However, I've learned something about discomfort. sometimes i'm experiencing something that's truly happening and sometimes i'm projecting a past experience those aren't the same things. Take being late. People are allowed to be late. before my friends start commenting, Kim, you have no problem with me being late. I don't. I used to hate it. the truth is, life happens. Mistakes happen. There's a difference between someone being late because they're trying to control the situation, Versus someone who just has different priorities outside of making sure they're always on time. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe their child needed a goodbye without feeling rushed. Maybe a family member called with some bad news. Maybe traffic happened, even though they left early, just in case. I can acknowledge all of that without pretending I enjoy waiting. I'm still allowed to leave the time I said I was gonna leave the event. I'm allowed to order my food before the They get there. I am allowed to decide that if someone's constantly late, I am not going to structure my entire day around their schedule. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to make myself uncomfortable indefinitely. This is where I think discomfort gets interesting. I can be uncomfortable without immediately deciding that someone else has to have done something wrong. Maybe I'm irritated because I'm hungry. Maybe I'm irritated because I don't like uncertainty. Maybe their lateness reminds me of a pattern or someone repeatedly disregards my time. The feeling is real in every one of those situations. The meaning isn't necessarily the same. That's where looking inward can help. Not to ask what's wrong with me. Rather to ask, what is this feeling telling me? People are allowed to be late. Full stop. I know. That's a wild statement for the times we're living in. Overproductive heir of never-ending to-do list. Anyway. that doesn't mean I have to like waiting. it's an opportunity for me to sit in that discomfort. I don't always have to take my personal values into someone else's moral failure. I also don't have to make it a big deal because sometimes I'm late. if being on time matters to me, I can choose to live according to that value. However, my values are for me. They're not measuring sticks I can force everyone else to use. I don't have to prioritize someone else's comfort at my own expense. I also don't have to prioritize someone more than they prioritize me. That's not a gotcha moment. it's not punishment. It's not, well, you didn't prioritize me, so now I'm going to show you. It's simply asking, What do I need to do to live according to my values without demanding that everyone else live according to them too? Sometimes discomfort is telling me I need to look inward. Sometimes it's telling me I need to look at the situations. sometimes I am just a hangry monster that waited too long to eat. And that's all information. Discomfort can be complex when we're used to ignoring it, especially when we're taught that the collective matters more than our individual comfort, something happens. You experience discomfort, then your brain gives that discomfort a meaning. sometimes before we figure out what we think, we start checking the list. What does my family think? My friends think? My partner think? What does everyone else think? There's nothing wrong with asking for another's perspective. That's normal. People need sounding boards. Sometimes other people can see something we can't. Sometimes we genuinely need advice. I think there's a difference between asking for perspective and outsourcing our ability to make a decision. if we can't make decisions about the small things without needing someone else to tell us what to think, what happens when we get to the big things in life? My goodness, that sounds like a panic attack just waiting to happen. Sometimes the advice we're getting isn't even based on our actual situation. It's based on whatever the current social script happens to be. The big influencer of the month says you shouldn't do this. A podcaster says you should never tolerate that. Mm-mm-mm-mm, Your algorithm has decided everyone around you is toxic. gosh. Sounds like Tuesdays to me. suddenly you're treating social media advice like it's your horoscope. According to cosmetology, this month is going to be difficult, so I guess I should just hide in my house, right? Except the advice might simply be slow down, reflect, pay attention to yourself. Hiding in your home isn't exactly a realistic response to discomfort. Discomfort is personal, it's subjective to you. I didn't like how they looked at me. Okay, maybe they were judging you. I mean, have you seen yourself in that top? Damn, slay. Or maybe neutral facial expressions make you uncomfortable because you're used to people being expressive They're giving me the silent treatment, maybe. Or maybe they don't feel the need to have the last word at the end of a conversation. They don't like me. Maybe. Or maybe you're simply not what they were looking for. that's doesn't mean that's a reflection on you. People are allowed to have preferences. Sometimes people are simply just being themselves in the wild, the jungle. They're absorbed in their own problems, their own goals, their own lives. I say this with love. Not everything needs to be about you. Isn't that freeing? If we really think about it, not everything has to be about you. The world will not end because you wore pink on a Friday. Most of the time people are filtering their experiences of you through the lens of their own experiences. You're not always going to win someone's favor by trying harder. They might have their own story about you. I mean, if she really cared about me, she'd give me the silent treatment. You know, there are those people, I'm just saying. If someone has already decided who you are, you could keep bringing them food, offering them kindness, explaining yourself, and bending over backwards. They might still decide they don't like you. Heck, who knows? Maybe someone tried to poison them like in some telenovela Jeez, and you just didn't know. You weren't set up for the plot, right? You didn't know they had a secret twin. It's okay. I've been there. Just kidding. It doesn't necessarily mean you failed. People have their own baggage. Sometimes it means their perspective of you isn't yours to control. I think that's another thing discomfort can teach us. We don't always have to resolve someone else's feelings about us. it's okay to realize that maybe we're confusing pain with discomfort. Pain is a normal response to harm. Discomfort can happen when we're challenged, when something conflicts with what we believe, what we're used to, and what we've been socially scripted to expect. Memorizing your lines just for them to be an improved expert? Rude. Most people don't know what to do when they're off script. Personally, I've lived this. Being myself has made a lot of people in my life feel uncomfortable And that's okay. What wasn't okay was me making it my problem. The problem was when I started feeling like I had to start walking on eggshell for things I didn't cause. Triggers I didn't create. conversations people weren't willing to have to clear miscommunication. Sometimes people would rather live a story. And when things I did turn into assumptions about what I must have meant, I have said something simple like, do what's best for you. I trust your judgment. And someone might assume I'm being sarcastic or cruel. That's the uncomfortable part. Sometimes people will avoid asking you because maybe they already believed you were being mean. Maybe they just think you're a mean person sometimes they were following a script they memorized and never had to question before you. Sometimes they misunderstood you and sometimes people actually meant to be kind. We don't always know. That's why I think discomfort should be addressed with curiosity before judgment. Not only curiosity about ourselves, curiosity about other people too. The goal isn't to become so self-aware that we question every feeling we have. It isn't about becoming so confident in our feelings that we assume every interpretation is true. It's learning to sit in that uncomfortable middle place and say, I feel something. Now let me figure out what it means. Learning to hear your own voice is a skill. Learning to navigate conflict in a way that doesn't need a villain is a skill too. Learning to process trauma and pain in a meaningful way is an art and that takes skill. We have to look inward and participate in these skills for them to develop. Self-reflection isn't supposed to convince you to tolerate everything. Maybe something isn't working for me. Maybe I don't like the jokes anymore. Maybe I don't like the relationship anymore. Maybe I need a boundary. Maybe I need to leave. None of those statements requires someone else to be a villain. I can say I don't like how I'm being talked to without saying you're a terrible person. Where are your horns? My goodness. I can say I don't wanna be in this relationship anymore without needing to create a courtroom case explaining why the other person is the problem. Sometimes something doesn't work for you anymore, and maybe it didn't work for the other person, and you're just brave enough to say, hey, no thanks. I think there's a danger when we confuse self reflection with tolerance. because tolerance can become self erasure. It can leave us open to bitterness. When you've given someone your voice for too long, eventually you might start wondering where it went. I mean that literally. What happens when you give someone your voice? Well apparently, if we're talking about the Little Mermaid, Ursula is ready for the opportunity. You sign the contract, give up your voice, get some legs, and head off hoping it will all somehow work out. Cha la la la la. Eventually. You're having to fight to get your voice back. Thankfully. When we give someone our voice in real life, we don't turn into a polyp. on the ocean floor. Although some days it might feel like it. We lose something else. We lose opportunities. We stop taking the trip we wanted to take. We stopped trying the hobbies we were curious about. We stop making the friends we wanted to make. We don't wear the things we like anymore. We don't say what we think. We don't go somewhere because we know someone won't like it. We don't pursue something because we're already anticipating how someone else will react. Eventually we're not only tolerating a situation. We're missing our whole life. That's where discomfort can teach us something. It can say, I don't like how I'm being talked to. That doesn't make the other person a villain. It gives you information. Maybe I need to communicate. Maybe I need to ask questions. Maybe I misunderstood something. Maybe they misunderstood me. Maybe we need to change how we're interacting with each other. Maybe I need to leave. I can't make that decision if I won't even acknowledge that I'm uncomfortable. sometimes we're uncomfortable because depth hasn't developed yet. Familiarity can feel safe simply because it's familiar. Something new can feel wrong simply because we haven't learned how to navigate it yet. It's a whole new world. Sometimes discomfort is asking us to slow down and give something a chance to develop. Sometimes what feels like discomfort is pain, especially if you've developed a high tolerance to discomfort. You may not recognize something as harmful because you've gotten good at functioning through it. You might not notice that you're emotionally numb. You might feel detached from what happened to you. You might zone out and feel like you're operating on autopilot. You might lose track of time. You might feel disconnected from your body or from your emotions. You might know something is upsetting you, yet you feel you can't quite access the feeling. Sometimes you don't realize how much something is affecting you until you're finally somewhere safe enough to feel it. That's why I think listening to discomfort matters. Because if we keep ignoring the little things, we may not recognize when the discomfort has become pain I don't want to share my food. Okay. I don't want to split the bill. I'll just pay for myself. Okay. No, you can't live with me. Okay. I don't want to go out with you when you drink. Okay. Those little moments might seem insignificant. They're also opportunities to participate, hearing your own voice. Maybe sometimes the answer is nope. Not because you're angry. Not because you're punishing someone. Not because you think you're better than them. Just no. That's not something I want. I don't wanna. No thanks. The more we practice listening to ourselves in the small things, the easier it can become to recognize ourselves in the bigger things. at the end of the day, other people have to live with the choices they make. you have to live with yours. You are the person you have to live with every single day. Sometimes when we don't name our discomfort, it takes over. We become bitter. We become resentful. We start saying it's fine. When it really isn't. We convince ourselves that we're being understanding when we're really afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of disappointing someone. Afraid of what happens if we admit this dynamic doesn't work for me. Sometimes we're so good at self-reflecting that we turn that skill against ourselves. We keep asking, what could I have done differently? What am I missing? Am I being too sensitive? Can I tolerate a little more? sometimes those questions are helpful, The question might be, why am I staying somewhere that constantly hurts me? Sometimes the answer is that we were the problem, Sometimes the answer is that we misunderstood. Sometimes the answer we need to grow. Sometimes it was never us. It was the environments we were in. That's why I think discomfort is worth listening to. Not because every uncomfortable feeling is a warning. Not because every boundary is automatically healthy for you. not because our first interpretation is always right. Because discomfort gives us a place to begin. We can ask, what am I feeling? Why might I be feeling this way? What am I assuming? What do I know? Eventually, what do I want to do about it? The goal isn't to become uncomfortable all the time. The goal is to become familiar enough with your own voice that when discomfort speaks, you can actually hear it. Back to the question. What if discomfort isn't something we always need to escape? Rather, something we need to learn from? Maybe discomfort isn't the enemy. It isn't always the answer either. Sometimes it's information. Sometimes it's a reminder to slow down and ask ourselves what we're feeling. sometimes it asks us to question the story we're telling ourselves about someone else. Sometimes it reminds us that we don't know what the other person is thinking. Sometimes we've looked inward, questioned our assumption, considered another perspective, and sat with the discomfort. We must listen to ourselves. Maybe something doesn't work for us anymore. Maybe we need to have a conversation. Maybe we need to create a boundary. Maybe we need to try something new and give ourselves time to adjust. Maybe it's time to leave. None of those choices require someone else to be the villain. you don't need to sharpen your pitchforks or light your torches. I want to leave you with this. What is your discomfort trying to tell you? are you willing to listen? Maybe you're hungry. Maybe you're afraid. maybe you're having some metaphorical growing pains. Maybe something needs to change. It's just not working. Maybe nothing is wrong at all and you're just experiencing something unfamiliar. Or maybe you've been saying it's fine for too long that you've forgotten what your own no sounds like. You don't have to have the answers immediately. You can start listening. whether you leave a comment, send me a message, or simply sit with this question yourself, I hope this conversation stays with you. Thank you for slowing down and thinking out loud with me. Until next time, take care of yourself. remember, your discomfort doesn't always tell you what to do. Sometimes it's simply telling you where to look. I'll see you in the next episode.