Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You're Not Attracted To Your Husband

Transcript

When You're Not Attracted To Your Husband · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about when you're
• 0:10
  not attracted to your husband anymore.
• 0:13
  A common issue that I see in couples counseling, but before
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  that, please do subscribe. Because the most recent episode
• 0:18
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• 0:24
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• 0:34
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• 0:37
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• 0:42
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• 0:45
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• 0:49
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• 0:51
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• 0:55
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• 1:00
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• 1:13
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• 1:16
  And that would be very appreciated.
• 1:19
  So, anyhow, getting to today's topic, what do you do when
• 1:24
  you're not attracted to your husband anymore?
• 1:26
  Well, this this is a common complaint of women.
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  And so, it's to type some women say they were never really
• 1:32
  attracted to their husband. Again, with, which I've talked
• 1:34
  about in, Different podcast. What to do if you were never
• 1:37
  attracted to your spouse, but some women say they're just not
• 1:41
  attracted to him at anymore. And this comes, this happens for
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  many reasons, I mean, The Firs, the the big one that I always
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  discuss is that there are just different hormones going on with
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  in monogamy, then in the honeymoon stage.
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  And so women have a lack of inhibition and they feel Giddy
• 1:57
  and drunk on new Love and new sex and that kind of Fades after
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  the first couple of years. And when it feels Seeds.
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  They can mistakenly think that there were some big decrement
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  didn't like the man and how he's acting, or dressing, or looking,
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  or whatever. They're usually isn't some sort
• 2:14
  of profound changes after a couple of years.
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  It's really just that the rose-colored glasses have worn
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  off and to help this. A lot of times only what's
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  needed is basic education about how women were, you know, and
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  how they their sex drive drops within monogamy.
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  And this is really not an indicator of anything dire.
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  Relationship. And instead what you need to do
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  is kind of make time to have sex to wait for respect to make the
• 2:43
  space for responsive desire to happen.
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  I've obviously have a podcast on responsive desire and so forth,
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  but some people say like they can't even do that.
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  They can't get in the mood at all.
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  They can't even open themselves up to the prospect of
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  potentially physically touching this person.
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  Because they're so not attracted to him, and frequently that is
• 3:03
  because of their son. Some kind of change, they feel
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  in the guy and sometimes they're really is, you know, I mean
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  there could have been the guy could have been acting a hell of
• 3:13
  a lot different during courtship and he could have been, you
• 3:18
  know, I talk about ADHD. So it could have been like a
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  hyper-focused courtship or the guy really does act like way,
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  way more romantic and different. It could be that he put on
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  weight and that he's dressing different and he's just doesn't
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  really look the same. It could be hygiene as many
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  times as I have. For this, I'm no longer
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  surprised. People say their husband doesn't
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  even brush his teeth. Once a day, I mean, like who's
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  going to be attracted to that nobody?
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  So I mean there there are changes in a man, physically and
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  emotionally, that being how he treats her and how he acts that
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  can lead to a tremendous lack of Attraction.
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  So usually in these cases, it's interesting because women that
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  will give men feedback on. Basically, everything else in
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  the world, including their parenting, and how they attract
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  their Ali and what they should do at their job and just like
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  cleaning house, work. Everything will not say to a
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  guy. I am not attracted to you in
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  this in this way. And I want you to see if we can
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  fix it, they don't see that because quote, it'll hurt his
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  feelings. Well, it's going to hurt his
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  feelings, a lot more when it comes up on the one-year
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  anniversary of you not having sex with him, you know?
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  And so if there are things that can make you more attracted to
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  your husband, think about them. I mean, do a Dive.
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  If there aren't if you really feel like somehow he has
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  changed. So radically and there would be
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  no coming back from it. And I mean, this usually only
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  happens when you feel like this, it's really if you dig deeper,
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  it's not that there's such a big changes.
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  Such were never really that attracted to him in the first
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  place. In that case.
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  There's not much coming back from that, as I discussed in
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  that other podcast. But in the case, where you do
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  feel like there are certain specific things, I could really
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  change it for you, then you have to To advocate for yourself and
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  it doesn't matter if you hurt his feelings because it's
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  hurting his feelings, a lot more not to have sex with you and to
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  be on that to just see that you're looking at him with kind
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  of discussed what you think is neutrality but really is barely
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  concealed discussed and if you want to tell him to brush his
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  teeth twice a day tell him you told us to your kids.
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  I mean, why not? And there's some people that are
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  like why should I have to tell like a grown-ass man to purchase
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  teeth? I mean, Why should like I mean
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  what kind of philosophical who is this philosophical Treatise?
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  I mean, he's not brushing his teeth, it doesn't fucking matter
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  who should tell him, somebody's got to tell him.
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  You could come in and pay me to tell him.
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  I'll tell him. I've told people before.
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  But you know the way that I get the information because I do
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  virtual session so I can't smell him.
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  You tell me. And so you want to come in and
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  tell me to tell him, or would you maybe want to try to tell
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  him yourself that really expedites the process and I'll
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  tell you men. I have never as offended by
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  these things, as the woman think that they will be and if they
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  are, that's a them problem. You're trying to work on shit,
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  you're trying to give concrete practical ways that you may want
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  to have sex with them. And if they respond like well
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  fuck you I don't need to brush my teeth well fuck him.
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  He doesn't need to have sex either so I mean, let's be real.
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  So the first thing to do is to make kind of this list in your
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  head, what are the things that would make it better for me that
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  where I could be attracted to him?
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  See, you know, go around since the pandemic and only shorts and
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  a t-shirt that the t-shirt is 15 years old and, you know, it
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  does, he not wash it enough, does he make stupid jokes?
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  Does he grabbed my boob and make a honking noise are there?
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  Things does he initiate in a joking?
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  Little boy way, like its more common than you realize.
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  I mean, any of these things it's like you can either come in and
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  tell a therapist about him and the therapist will talk to him
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  about it or you could just fucking tell him yourself.
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  And I really say the latter is better for your budget.
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  I mean, it's and it's better for the relationship than for a man
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  to pay money to come in and be told by somebody else that maybe
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  he ought to, you know, take care of his basic hygiene and not do
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  honking noises to your boobs. You could tell him this yourself
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  now if he's like, yeah, right, most women would love it if
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  their husband did that, then definitely he deserves the
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  punishment of coming in and seeing somebody like me.
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  But I mean But seriously try first, this very basic way of
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  saying, what bothers you, you know, and many people that will
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  just Slough off the top group of people where the guy is happy to
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  change or he's a little hurt but he really will change and he'll
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  roll with that. And there are people honestly
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  that when the guy just starts like maybe going to the gym more
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  dress it up a little bit more brushing his teeth, a little
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  more not doing the honking boob thing that yeah the woman.
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  Can kind of get back to a place where she feels more attracted
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  to him, you know, I mean that is possible.
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  There are just certain things that guys do that are such
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  turn-offs and they're not even aware of it that, when they
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  remove those things, then if the woman loves them, then they
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  either woman can kinda get herself back in the game, you
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  know? But there are if they keep doing
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  these sorts of things that really erode the Romantic
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  connection, one of which is, Is this kind of joking and or
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  childlike sexual initiation, that's a big one that women
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  hate. So, tell your husband never to
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  do it again, you know, like never make a little like child
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  voice about sex like ever, you know, and if you say that then
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  at least you're giving him information that he could work
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  with. If of course, you cannot
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  possibly think about saying this because you were such a people
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  pleaser and you're so kind of anxious about the idea of
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  hurting his feelings then yes, of course.
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  A couple's counselor can help you.
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  So I'm not Not saying never, of course, I'm not fool, not saying
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  never go to a couple's, counselor, I am a fucking
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  couples counselor, but I'm seeing so many people like,
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  don't think that somebody will respond to a simple request and
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  the person will. And so they're waiting for years
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  and years and years, while things get worse, and worse and
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  worse, and resentment is mounting and they're getting out
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  of the out of practice of having sex of having a sexual Bond,
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  even by itself. And then in retrospect, they
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  could have mentioned this thing six months into the marriage.
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  Ridge and then it could have helped a lot.
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  So things again, that fall into this bucket things, that make
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  women not attracted, their husband include this, joking
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  around any sort of childlike Behavior, any kind of not being
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  clean, or neat or taken care of these.
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  Sorts of things are big, other things are, when the woman
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  thinks that the guy is a selfish prick, I mean, when the guy is
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  just kind of doing him, and just not being very romantic, or
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  Awful or even being like mean or mocking anything where the guy
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  is a quote asshole that would be recognized by anybody as kind of
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  asshole Behavior. This is something that turns
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  women off like a faucet. It's like totally not true.
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  That women go for assholes. What, who goes for assholes?
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  I've taught you guys this women with low self-esteem.
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  So the longer that a woman is married and the longer that she
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  has on this Earth and particularly if she is in
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  therapy, or she's doing a lot of reading and she's Come a mom.
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  And she's really thinking about herself as a woman and evolving.
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  The better her self-esteem is going to get.
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  So yeah, maybe at the beginning of the relationship, like if a
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  guy treated you like shit, you know, like you could be like so
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  anxious that you would rush to please them.
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  But as you grow as a woman and as an adult, you may no longer
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  be turned on. You were never turned on.
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  You were just made into this like an anxious state where you
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  would do anything to get back in the guy's Graces.
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  But I mean most women aren't turned on by a thread.
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  Assholes. There are some that are but
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  usually the, what I see more is that the woman is drawn to
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  assholes, because there's subconsciously like, what you
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  grew up with one of the parents was an asshole and so then, she
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  just anxiously tries to appease this asshole because that's what
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  you saw in the other parent growing up.
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  Or that's how she interacted with the parent growing up.
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  But then as she gets older and more confident, she no longer
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  wants to walk on eggshells, around an asshole.
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  And in fact, the same behavior that used to make her like run
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  toward him and try to make sure the relationship was.
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  Cure in fact, sometimes by initiating sex is in fact now a
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  complete turn off and makes her it's like the death of her sex
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  drive when he says something mean, or cutting or sarcastic,
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  or just is generally unsupportive and selfish.
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  This is positive by the way. If you're growing too, if you're
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  becoming a person who no longer had tolerance for somebody
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  treating you badly, great wonderful.
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  That's wonderful. But what you have to do is you
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  have to catch your Partner up to that party, you know, like he's
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  late to the party there. So you have to say, like I am
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  growing as a person, I no longer am.
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  Okay. With certain behaviors that you
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  do, you know, going out with your friends and not picking up
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  your phone, coming home drunk, you know, staying up super late,
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  well, playing video games, and then letting me do the entire
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  morning with the kids, whatever the fuck, the selfish behavior
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  is, there's lots, then if that is now a turn-off to you, and
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  that's what's making you not attracted to your husband, then
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  you got to tell him. This is more of a situation for
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  couples counseling because unlike in the first situation,
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  where the guy just doesn't understand that women don't like
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  their boobs honked. This guy has an entire lifetime
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  behind it being an asshole and you were, in fact, attracted to
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  it, not attracted to it, but you were drawn to it and anxious Lee
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  appeasing it at first. And now, you changing that
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  behavior is going to come as an and as a major earthquake in the
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  middle of the relationship to changes the whole dynamic.
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  Hammock. So that's something that is
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  useful to get into couples counseling for and remember, if
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  you've decided that somebody is that you're just not going to
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  take somebody shit anymore, that is positive.
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  Assuming that they are rationally and objectively doing
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  things that most people would consider to be bad things.
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  And selfish things, which is the case in a lot of cases.
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  So, what are some other reasons that women just aren't attracted
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  to their husband anymore? I mean, like they changed.
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  They're forget about the honeymoon stage, they grow, they
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  get older, they're on antidepressants there in
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  perimenopause, they've had childbirth, and kids and what
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  have you? And they just do not feel like
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  sexual entities anymore, but because the husband is the only
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  like guy that they even think about it all.
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  They just assume they're not attracted to him, you know?
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  But if they do like kind of a deep dive internally, they'll be
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  like, wait, I'm not attracted to anybody else either.
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  Like, I don't wanna have sex with anyone, you know.
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  And if that's the case that it's not your husband's fault.
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  And then that's the sort of situation where there's really
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  not much to say to him, but rather to think about whether
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  there are ways that you could reclaim your sexuality and I
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  talked about this a lot and other posts and podcasts where,
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  you know, you can see are there things can you go on different
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  antidepressants? Can you get more time for
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  exercise and self-care? Can you learn about responsive
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  desire on for plate? Such that even if you are never
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  ever spontaneously in the mood again, you can understand that
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  you can get there. With time and effort and you can
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  understand what that effort May entail.
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  Can you decide that you? And your husband are going to
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  get more time alone. If that makes you feel, you
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  know, like somebody who is a, you know, back in the game.
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  You know, when people get away from the kids, they can
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  frequently feel more like their old cells if they never ever get
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  away from the kids and they can mistakenly think that their sex
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  drive is just gone forever. But in reality, your sex drive
• 15:00
  is just dormant hiding from your loud children.
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  So there's that that as well. So there are many things that
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  I've covered here of any of them resonate with you.
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  Then obviously, you should do some more thinking about how and
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  in what ways you want to address the issues based on what the
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  issues are. Again, if you've never been
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  attracted, your husband, that is not the issue that I'm
• 15:24
  discussing here. That's a different podcast on
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  when your spouse has never been attracted to you or something,
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  with a pretty obvious headline there.
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  But this is the case where there's A big change and you're
• 15:36
  trying to figure out why? And of course goes without
• 15:38
  saying, this would be useful for you to talk about an individual
• 15:42
  therapy. And this is a common issue and a
• 15:45
  therapist can really help you explore the different variables
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  that may be at play here that I've touched on it.
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  But of course, I can't touch on your unique situation unless you
• 15:55
  work with me individually, which is always possible.
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  All right, I'll talk to everybody soon.
• 15:59
  Have a great day.