Latest / Starting Over: Stories of Reinvention, Hope & Second Chances / Stop Taking It Personally: How to Hear Criticism Without Breaking | Starting Over
Transcript
- You know that sinking feeling in your chest when someone says, 'I think you’re overreacting'? That’s not just an opinion; it feels like a verdict on your entire character. Let’s stop letting other people’s noise write the story of who you are. Let’s get real for a second. We’ve all been there. You send out that email, post that photo, or share an idea in a meeting, and within minutes, the feedback comes rolling in. It might be sharp, it might be vague, but it lands like a physical blow. Your stomach drops. Your shoulders hike up toward your ears. And suddenly, you’re not thinking about the work anymore; you’re thinking about yourself. You start dissecting every word you said, every choice you made, wondering where you went wrong. I used to carry that weight around all day. I’d replay conversations in my head until they lost all meaning, leaving only shame. It’s exhausting. It’s also completely unnecessary. Because here is the truth that took me years to learn: criticism is rarely about you. It is almost always about the person delivering it. Their mood, their stress, their own insecurities, their bad day. When we internalize criticism as truth, we are handing them the pen to write our biography. And honestly? They are not qualified authors. They are strangers with a microphone. Think about the last time you were truly critical of someone else. Did you analyze their flaws with clinical precision, or did your judgment leak through with your own frustration? Usually, when people criticize us harshly, they are projecting something they are struggling with themselves. Maybe they feel insecure about their own creativity, so they tear down yours. Maybe they feel out of control, so they try to control your narrative. This isn’t an excuse for bad behavior, but it is a lens. If you can see the criticism as a mirror reflecting their inner state rather than a spotlight exposing your defects, the sting loses its power. I had to learn this after a brutal performance review early in my career. My boss told me I was 'too emotional' and 'not team-oriented.' For weeks, I hated myself. I tried to suppress my personality, to become stiff and robotic. But eventually, I realized he was just uncomfortable with passion. He wanted a robot. I am not a robot. Once I saw his words as his limitation, not my failure, I could breathe again. The criticism didn’t disappear, but its authority over me did. Now, I’m not saying ignore all feedback. Growth requires us to listen. But we have to learn how to separate the signal from the noise. Signal is specific, actionable, and kind. Noise is general, vague, and cruel. Signal sounds like, 'I noticed the data in slide three was outdated, let’s fix that together.' Noise sounds like, 'This presentation was a mess, you clearly didn’t prepare.' One helps you grow; the other just hurts. When you receive feedback, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this useful? Does it help me do my job better, live my life clearer, or love better? If the answer is no, then it is just noise. And you have every right to tune it out. Think of your self-worth like a house. Criticism is weather outside. Rain, wind, hail—it happens. But the structure of your home remains intact if the foundation is strong. If you build your foundation on external validation, one storm can knock you down. If you build it on your own values, your integrity, and your effort, the storm passes, and you are still standing. You are still safe inside. So, how do you actually do this in the moment? It’s hard to detach when your nervous system is screaming danger. That’s why we need a pause button. When criticism hits, don’t respond immediately. Don’t defend. Don’t apologize profusely. Just pause. Say, 'Thank you for sharing that. I need a moment to process it.' Then walk away. Go to the bathroom, step outside, drink some water. Create physical distance between the stimulus and your reaction. In that space, ask yourself three questions. First, is this true? Second, is this helpful? Third, does this person have my best interests at heart? Often, the answer to the third question is no. And that’s okay. You don’t owe anyone access to your vulnerability just because they offered an opinion. Protect your peace. It is not selfish; it is necessary. I used to think being open meant being transparent with everyone. Now I know that being wise means choosing who gets the keys to your inner world. Most people don’t deserve those keys. Keep them close. Once you’ve paused and assessed, it’s time to rewrite the narrative in your own head. Instead of hearing 'I failed,' hear 'I learned.' Instead of hearing 'They hate me,' hear 'We disagree.' Language shapes reality. If you tell yourself you are flawed, you will act flawed. If you tell yourself you are learning, you will act curious. This shift changes everything. It turns criticism from a threat into data. Data can be discarded, filed, or used. It doesn’t define you. Remember the episode we talked about recently regarding forgiving ourselves for mistakes? This is the next step. Forgiving yourself is easy when you know you’re human. But forgiving the critic’s intent is harder. It requires you to realize that their words are small compared to your worth. You are a vast, complex, evolving person. One comment cannot capture the whole of you. It’s like judging a library by looking at one book cover. It’s inaccurate. It’s lazy. And it’s not your responsibility to correct their misunderstanding. Your responsibility is to stay true to your path. Over time, this practice builds a muscle. Resilience is not a trait you are born with; it is a habit you cultivate. Every time you choose not to internalize unfair criticism, you strengthen that muscle. You teach your brain that you are safe, even when others are not kind. You reinforce the boundary between who you are and what they say. This takes time. There will be days when the old habits return. You’ll take the bait. You’ll spiral. That’s part of the process. Be gentle with yourself. As we discussed in that previous episode about owning your mistakes, growth is messy. It’s not linear. Some days you’ll glide; other days you’ll stumble. But each time you notice the pattern, you gain power. You catch yourself earlier. You recover faster. And slowly, the opinions of others lose their grip. You start to trust your own voice more than theirs. You become the expert on your own life. And that is a freedom unlike any other. It allows you to create, to love, to try, without the paralyzing fear of judgment. You become free. You are enough. Exactly as you are. Not despite the criticism, but beyond it. Keep going. I’m right here with you. Until next time.