Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / Mojo Monday - The Gap Between What You're Doing and What You're Capable Of

Transcript

Mojo Monday - The Gap Between What You're Doing and What You're Capable Of · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, I'm Carli Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk about a concept from
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Stoic philosophy which has had a profound impact on my life,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: and that is the gap between who you are right
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: now and who you are capable of being. And I
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: think this is what I love about the work that
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I do because I can not always, but most often
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: see the potential in others. And I also can see
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: what is stopping them from tapping into that potential. But
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: it's a lot harder to see it in myself. And
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: it's something that I have been working on continuously over many,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: many years. But the Stoics talk about the Sage, and
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: you might have heard me talk about the Sage in
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: previous episodes, and it's this part of us who represents
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: our potential of who we can be. The Sage has
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: the strengths and the character of that wise part of us,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: and the Sage is not a destination because nobody is perfect,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: but it's that part of us who can guide us
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: in every moment and every decision if we tap into
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: that part of us. And I think there's this balance
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: here between mindfully living in the present moment, which is
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: incredibly important in so many ways. But it's also important
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: to recognize that we hold ourselves back and maybe we
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: could be taking a few more risks in life and
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: we could step out of our comfort zone, that enticing
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: comfort zone, and just see what happens, see where it
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: takes us. So let's go back to this gap of
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: who we are now and who we potentially could become.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: So Epictetis, the Stoic philosopher, once said, first say to
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: yourself what you would be, and then do what you
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: have to do. So the Stoics believe that this gap
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: is just part of being human. It's part of nature,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: and it's where our self doubt and our fear and
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: our unhelpful emotions like anxiety or anger often reside. But
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: they also saw it as a space filled with opportunity
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: and potential. So this gap is a place to grow
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: closer to the person that we're capable of becoming. And
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: the first key to closing the gap is awareness. So
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: it's about recognizing what is in that space. So have
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: a think. Now, have a think about what is in
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: your space. That's the habits, the thoughts, the feelings that
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: hold us back. That stop us from doing the things
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: that are really important to us. That may bring up
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: quite a bit of discomfort. One point is that these
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: are obstacles for us, but they're not enemies to eliminate,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: but we so often treat them like they are, like
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: we have to go to war with them, And a
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: huge amount of our energy goes into this so and
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: it can be exhausting. They're part of the process. So
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: that is just so important to accept and understand that
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: all these negative thinking and self doubt and the anxiety
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: and the fear is just part of the process. And
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: it's a chance and an opportunity to work on closing
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: that gap, a chance to build our resilience and do
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: those things that are really important to us, the things
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: that are the things that we want to do that's
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: important to us. So, for example, writing a book that's
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: my one. I have spent years talking about writing a book,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: and there was a big gap there. There was a
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: lot of self doubt, a lot of fear around it,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: a lot of imposter syndrome. And I've done about six
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: drafts now and I've deleted them all. But I'm finally there.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Finally I've started it, and so I am slowly closing
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: that gap. So it could be about changing careers, it
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: could be about asking somebody out, or going traveling on
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: your own, or even suggesting that you meet a cough
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: meet for a coffee to a potential friend, or maybe
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: it's even as simple as just wearing the clothes that
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: you want to wear. So it's the big things in
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: our lives and also the small things that we don't
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: do because we have a fear of something. So let's
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: talk about the stuff that actually lies within the gap.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: or even fear of success that can stop us in
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: our tracks. And I relate to all of these. There
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: definitely been a huge part, as I said, of my
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: own gap, and they still pop up. So it's this
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: ongoing process. Let's look at anger, anger at others, resentment
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: to others, anger at the circumstances that you find yourself in.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: You might be even angry at yourself for making a
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: decision that you regret. Anxiety is a big one. It
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: is a huge struggle for so many people today. It's
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: the number one mental health condition in Australia and the
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: world right now. And so way too many people have
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: these massive gaps filled with anxiety, stopping them from living
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: their lives. And then, of course you've got that inner
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: critic that in a gremlin that I've spoken about before,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: that nagging voice that tells us you're not ready, you're
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: not smart enough, why bother? And again, this is a
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: big one for me. I will put my hand up,
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: and I am saying this with of vulnerability, but I
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: am pretty confident that there's a lot of you that
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: relate to it. And I wouldn't be here talking to
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: you if I allowed this inner critic to constantly tell
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: me what to do. So that is really important. It's
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: always going to be in that gap, but it's how
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I respond to it that's going to help close the gap.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: So the stoics recognize that these emotions are part of life,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: but they didn't allow the thoughts and the feelings to
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: dictate their actions. And this is key. It's so difficult,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: and it's really uncomfortable, but personally, I know that it's
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: worth a discomfort because what's the alternative. The alternative is
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: to live with this gap, which is only going to
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: get wider. So the key is that you have to
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: do the work. So unlike what many critics of Stoicism
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: will say, Stoics didn't suppress their emotions. They felt their emotions,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: they accepted them, and they managed them wisely. So here's
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: how they approach these unhelpful emotions like fear and anger
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: and anxiety. So Marcuszirelius often wrote in his journal. He
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: wrote a journal which is now called Meditations, to reflect
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: on his feelings. And so by pausing, he created this
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: space between the emotion and what he did and allowed
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: this kind of reasoning to guide his choices. And he
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: did this through the tool of journaling. And the Stokes
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: used the view from above exercise to put things in perspective.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: And I really love this one. So you imagine zooming
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: out from your life to see the vastness of the universe.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Does this moment of anger or fear really matter in
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: the grand scheme of things? And I was telling the
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: client the other day that I do this myself. If
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling overwhelmed by something, I will often go at
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: night if it's a clear night, and I will look
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: up at the stars and it just puts a different
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: perspective of my situation. The next one is around accepting
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: what you can't control. So Epictetis said, our life is
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: in two zones. Zone one are the things you can control,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: and zone two are all the things that you can't control.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And this has been a concept or a message that
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: has been integrated into other therapeutic approaches. It is definitely
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: a part of it's part of Japanese psychology and Marita therapy,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: and it is also a part of Acceptance and Commitment
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: therapy or ACT ANDOHOL Alcoholics Anonymous has their motto around this,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: which I absolutely love, and it says, God grant me
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: to know the difference. That is such a powerful motto
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: for everybody. And Epictetus taught us that while we can't
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: control our external events, we can control how we respond
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: to them, and that is the wisdom to know the difference.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Anxiety about the future or frustration with others is futile
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: because it's out of our control. So we must accept
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: that that is part of our human experience and turn
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: our attention to what we can control, and that is
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: how we respond, and that is how we align our
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: actions with our virtues, with our values, and that is
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: how we start to close that gap. And speaking of virtues,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: the Stokes believe in living with wisdom, courage, justice, and
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: self discipline. And they asked, what is the virtuous choice here?
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Instead of reacting to the anger or the fear, they
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: acted in alignment with their virtues. So if somebody has
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: triggered you and you feel angry, think about your choices here.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: You can lash out. You can choose to lash out
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: at them and yell and scream, which is a reactive choice,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: or you can respond with virtue, accept the anger that
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: is brewing inside of you and then breathe into it
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: and then remain calm. And this is the same thing
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: that you can apply to the anxiety of the fear
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: around that could be stopping you from doing something that's
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: really important to you, like reaching a goal. Okay, you
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: accept that the anxiety and fear is there as part
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: of being human, but it is your choice how you
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: then respond to it. So the best way to practice
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: this is to start small. So pick something that makes
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: you anxious so at least makes you feel uncomfortable that
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: you're willing to test out experiment with it. So do
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: the very thing that brings up the anxiety or brings
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: up the fear, except that it's there, make room for it,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: breathe into it as part of the experience, and then
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: take action and then see what happens. And it takes
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: wisdom to know that the emotions that come up here,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: the anxiety, the fear, is a normal part of the
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: human experience and part of nature. And it takes courage
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: to actually do the very thing that you're fearful or
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: anxious to do. So here's my closing thought. The gap
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: between who you are and who you are capable of
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: being isn't something to fear. It is something to embrace,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: and it's where the growth happens. The Stoics teach us
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: that while will never ever become the Sage, we can
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: strive to walk with them, strive to use our sage
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: as our guide when we are making decisions moment to
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: moment to moment. So this week, take time to reflect
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: on your gap, what is in your gap, and what's
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: one small virtuous action that you can take today to
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: move forward? And as Marcus really has said, waste no
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: time arguing what a good man or woman should be
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: be one. So have a great week everybody, and I
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: will catch you next Monday. See yep.