Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 14 - Boundaries (are still hard, but we're trying)

Transcript

Episode 14 - Boundaries (are still hard, but we're trying) · Three Rebel Souls

1:33
Hi.
1:33
Hi.
1:34
Hi.
1:36
We're back.
1:38
We gonna pretend.
1:39
I was gonna say we're gonna pretend again.
1:41
Like we haven't been talking for the last hour and do that thing we do where we just have a really awkward intro transitioning into the podcast.
1:50
Yeah.
1:50
Let's ask a different question this time.
1:53
Ooh.
1:53
Okay, so today is the full moon in Aquarius.
1:57
Yeah.
1:57
So what do you think it's shining a light on for you to release?
2:02
I will tell you.
2:03
I'll start because I've been thinking about this a lot.
2:06
Okay, so that's cheating.
2:08
Yeah.
2:09
You didn't prepare the rest.
2:12
Time to think.
2:13
Do you even know what house Aquarius is in, Leo?
2:16
Yeah.
2:16
Because they're both in play.
2:19
And Taurus and Scorpio.
2:21
So just keep that in mind.
2:23
So.
2:29
And get this part out.
2:30
You have thought about this so much, and I'm like.
2:33
Because.
2:34
Because I've been reflecting back since I took that north node, south node shift course on my life, and all of the major things that have happened in my life are when the north and south node are in Aquarius
2:54
and Leo.
2:55
All of them.
2:57
I bought this house.
2:59
Oh, when Aquarius.
3:02
When north node was in Aquarius.
3:03
The last time I started my new job, when Leo had the north node last time.
3:11
And, like, these are huge.
3:14
Huge fucking big transitions.
3:16
Yeah.
3:16
This time I'm leaving this house.
3:20
Oh.
3:20
Starting my new life alone.
3:23
Yeah.
3:23
I mean, this.
3:24
Like, these aren't little things.
3:26
This is giant things.
3:28
Well, now I'm gonna need to look back and see when.
3:32
When this happened previously and if any of my major life events line up to it.
3:38
Well, that whole stretch.
3:39
Right.
3:39
Of when.
3:40
Of the last time.
3:42
Yeah.
3:42
Because Eric is a Leo rising, right?
3:45
Yeah.
3:45
Wouldn't surprise me.
3:47
Now I have Jupiter conjunct my MC in Aquarius, and Mars is also an Aquarius, which means my Imam Coli is in Leo.
4:00
So that's my career or how people see me.
4:05
People in the world.
4:06
Hi, everybody.
4:07
And my home.
4:10
Those are the two things that are impacted every time.
4:12
And it's because I'm a Taurus sun.
4:14
It's squaring my son and my Venus.
4:19
So, yeah.
4:20
Big stuff.
4:21
So what have you been reflecting on?
4:24
I've been thinking about.
4:25
I've actually been thinking more about.
4:28
I know it's more about releasing, but full moons.
4:32
Right.
4:33
But I've actually been more.
4:35
Because this is an eclipse.
4:37
Right.
4:37
It's eclipse season.
4:38
Start of the eclipse season, so.
4:40
And end of the previous eclipse season, so thinking about more like planting seeds and who I'm going to be Six months from now.
4:51
Oh, yeah.
4:53
Which does mean what parts are we releasing in the process for that transition?
4:59
Yeah.
4:59
Correct.
5:00
Okay, so I guess releasing married me because in two months, I probably won't be married anymore.
5:09
Bye, girl.
5:11
Yeah.
5:11
Bye, Felicia.
5:17
I don't know.
5:18
I've been thinking about it a lot, so just thinking about who I want to be.
5:21
Like, what I want to feel like in this next next chapter.
5:28
Like, how that without getting caught up in the details, which is difficult for me, but just thinking about the feeling of it.
5:37
Right.
5:37
Like, I want the podcast to do well and I want to be in my own space.
5:41
It's just mine.
5:43
And, you know, those kinds of things, like freedom and peace are what I was kind of meditating on last night.
5:51
Yeah, love that.
5:53
That is good.
5:54
I still understand about 30% of what you say when you get really excited about astrology, but it doesn't matter because it makes me so happy when you're excited about stuff.
6:09
I.
6:10
I think for me, I'm.
6:13
What am I releasing in this moment?
6:15
Because you're right.
6:16
Like this one.
6:18
This one is kicking my ass.
6:20
And I feel like it's because of the Leo placement, the Leo Rising placement,.
6:26
And Jupiter's conjunct the sun right now opposing the moon, which is conjunct Pluto.
6:36
Yep.
6:36
That's deep.
6:37
There are a lot.
6:38
It's like heavy and bright at the same time.
6:40
Like, that's a lot.
6:41
That's a lot of stuff going on.
6:44
I trust you.
6:45
So there's like, well, you need to.
6:48
Know what houses they fall under.
6:50
Right.
6:51
I have.
6:51
So that you know what areas of your life.
6:53
I have homework after every single one of these podcasts because I do.
6:57
I do want to learn and understand this stuff better, but I think this is.
7:01
That.
7:02
That actually leads into what I was going to say, what I'm releasing is.
7:07
The last year has been quite intense for me because I started a new job last June and it's been amazing.
7:18
But I'm.
7:19
I've been very busy and also, like, trying to commit time to this and still, like, give at least quality energy to these relationships, even if I haven't had as much time.
7:34
Like, quantity wise, I've tried to give quality and I.
7:39
I think that, like, what I'm releasing is or what I want to release is my need to, like, not need.
7:48
It's not a need, but I don't want to feel so busy all the time.
7:53
I really want to make time for more like rest and play and connection.
8:01
Perfect.
8:03
That's good.
8:06
Yeah.
8:06
I think.
8:07
I think for Me, I mean, honestly, I have not really even thought about it, but I also don't have any planets on that axis.
8:14
Axis.
8:16
I mean, I do have Scorpio placements.
8:19
Yeah, I do have Scorpio placements, but for.
8:23
For that axis, still, the.
8:26
The Aquarius, I feel like it's more of.
8:30
Well, it's letting go.
8:32
Right.
8:32
Like, I feel like the.
8:34
The Leo part is almost like letting go of that.
8:36
Like, that ego.
8:37
A little bit of that.
8:39
I have to almost, like, be a certain way to, like, be accepted and moving over to, like, that Aquarius side where, like, just let your weird side show.
8:50
Just let yourself, you know, let your freak flag.
8:52
Yes, exactly.
8:53
I mean, that's very Aquarius, you know,.
8:55
Like, benefit other people.
8:58
Yes, exactly.
8:59
To just allow myself to just really be me, even if I think I sound weird or.
9:07
Or that I'm.
9:07
I.
9:07
I am weird.
9:09
You know, I mean, everybody's got their.
9:10
Their thing, right?
9:11
So I feel like it's just getting more comfortable that.
9:14
With letting go of what I think I need to be almost like that.
9:19
That.
9:19
Like, that I need to fit in right where I.
9:23
I don't.
9:23
I don't need to do that.
9:24
Right.
9:25
It's just be yourself and then you belong.
9:28
So I think it's more of that for me.
9:30
Releasing and then you're beautiful.
9:32
Exactly.
9:33
Right.
9:33
Yeah.
9:34
You're weird if you're not weird, honestly.
9:36
Oh, exactly.
9:37
Exactly.
9:38
That makes so much sense.
9:39
Yes.
9:40
Yeah.
9:40
I saw that on a T shirt once.
9:42
I can't take credit for that, but I was like, oh, that resonates with me.
9:45
Yeah.
9:46
Just let.
9:46
Just do weird.
9:47
Feel weird.
9:48
Yeah.
9:49
We all have our quirks and it's okay.
9:51
Right?
9:51
Like, again, why do we have to all be the same?
9:54
We don't know you're giving other people permission to do the same.
9:59
Right, Exactly.
10:00
Yeah.
10:01
We do love permission around these parks.
10:04
Permission is one of our core values.
10:06
Yeah.
10:08
Well, and to kind of go along with the theme, maybe I answered the way I did to that question of what I'm releasing, because it's a thing that I've been thinking about a lot and working on a lot.
10:19
And so we thought, let's press record on that, because that's what we're doing here.
10:25
We're talking about boundaries today, all types of boundaries.
10:32
So I kind of want to just start from a very, like, foundational place.
10:39
And I guess maybe a look back, because we've been talking about perfection.
10:42
We did an episode on people pleasing.
10:43
We did an episode on control.
10:46
So boundaries feels like actually a natural Progression anyway, because we even talked about boundaries a little bit in each of those episodes.
10:55
And I think for me, this is something that a lot of people have the language for it now where we definitely didn't.
11:04
I didn't when we were growing up.
11:05
Right.
11:06
Like, this has become more mainstream.
11:08
But I also think it's one of those things that gets tossed around a lot, sometimes in really unproductive ways or unhelpful ways, even borderline toxic ways.
11:21
Oh, yeah.
11:22
But I do know that this is one of the, like, most positive and healthy things we can do for our relationships.
11:34
So I feel like I.
11:36
It's.
11:37
It's like once you start noticing that and once we start noticing that, like so much of our lives, when we talked about in the people pleasing episode, so much of our lives has been spent on keeping everyone else
11:49
comfortable.
11:50
And the cost of that was we were very uncomfortable then all the time, just sort of shouldering all of that.
11:56
So how do we.
11:59
How do we correct to the point of protecting our energy or protecting our, like, kind of peace or our truth without over correcting.
12:12
Right.
12:13
And trying to venture into that place of control?
12:17
Because boundaries are not about control.
12:20
But I think that's where sometimes it goes when people start doing this.
12:27
So let's just start there with the relationship of, like, the things that we've been talking about.
12:32
People pleasing, control and boundaries.
12:35
Where does this show up for you?
12:41
I feel like everywhere.
12:43
Oh, is that new or recent that it shows up everywhere now?
12:53
Well, I feel like it's.
12:55
Well, I mean, I say everywhere because maybe I'm more aware of it now.
13:00
So I see it in, like, all aspects of life, but I don't know that I'm noticing exactly where I might be being controlling or setting a boundary.
13:13
Right.
13:14
Like, you know, like, I notice how it comes up, but I don't know that in the moment that I am handling it in, like, the healthy way.
13:25
You know, I had a hard time with boundaries because I used to think, say, you know, setting a boundary was just like saying no, but like being forceful.
13:39
Right?
13:39
Ooh, okay.
13:40
Instead of like understanding why I.
13:44
Why I'm doing it, but then also kind of doing it, but then, you know, then there's a fine line where you want to do it for yourself, but also you're like, over explaining.
13:58
Okay, there's a couple different threads to pull on in there, right?
14:01
Like, yeah, for me, I think I agree with the.
14:07
I agree with the idea that sometimes it comes out or it sounds like being really forceful.
14:13
I think for me, that's Because I always waited too long.
14:18
Right.
14:19
It was all the people pleasing and it kind of like built up and built up and built up.
14:23
And yes, the resentment builds up and then you just kind of like explode, for lack of a better term.
14:30
And you can't.
14:33
You can't take on anymore or do anymore or allow whatever, like the behavior is anymore.
14:39
And so it comes out in a way that's unproductive.
14:42
Right, right.
14:43
Yeah, I.
14:45
I agree with that.
14:46
And I think it's the difference between.
14:50
I also think I struggle with.
14:53
With the difference between.
14:55
I don't want to be overly rigid myself, but I also don't want to be controlling, but I want to be firm in my boundaries.
15:07
Right.
15:08
But I don't want to.
15:09
It's like we're standing in the.
15:11
In the middle of like a little seesaw, trying not to.
15:15
I was thinking like two step, right?
15:18
Like, yeah, back.
15:19
Back and forth.
15:20
Where's the line?
15:23
It's like a cha cha.
15:26
Well, but it is kind of a dance with boundaries, isn't it?
15:28
Because, I mean, certain things can be set in stone, right?
15:32
Like just.
15:32
There's just certain things that you're just like, no, that's.
15:34
That's about non negotiable.
15:36
Right.
15:36
It's non negotiable.
15:37
Right.
15:37
But then there's others where, you know, depending on what it is, you might be like, okay, I'm okay with that.
15:44
Maybe.
15:45
Maybe for this moment or that occasion or a particular person.
15:49
Right.
15:51
Like, it.
15:52
It's not all.
15:53
Again, like you said, it doesn't all have to be so rigid.
16:01
She's about to stop us in our tracks.
16:03
She's got that look on her face.
16:04
Actually, I'm so not.
16:06
Because all I'm thinking is boundaries.
16:10
Yeah.
16:10
What Boundaries, Right, Exactly.
16:13
Good at this yet.
16:14
So.
16:15
No.
16:16
Okay, well, let's talk about that.
16:17
What makes it so hard?
16:20
Because I'm.
16:21
But I've done it sometimes.
16:24
Am I good at it?
16:26
Not always.
16:28
I'm struggling to think of where I have set boundaries.
16:33
Okay.
16:34
I think I'm.
16:35
I'm still practicing with myself.
16:38
Oh, okay.
16:41
Setting boundaries for myself.
16:43
What does that look like?
16:44
Where do you need to set boundaries for yourself?
16:48
Or where have you practiced, like, working,.
16:53
Like, working's easy, right?
16:55
Like, because I used.
16:56
I.
16:57
I like to work.
17:00
It was my escape hatch in life.
17:05
Like, being productive, doing something, helping people was a way to avoid my stuff.
17:13
Right.
17:13
Like, or a way to fill in a hole that I didn't know what else to do with.
17:22
So now it's more like, okay, well, I Worked eight hours.
17:29
And regardless of the fact that there are still people online working, I am going to walk away and do me time.
17:38
Like, have an actual life outside of that.
17:42
And.
17:42
And some days, yes, it's a lot easier than others.
17:45
Right.
17:46
I have other stuff to do.
17:49
Technically, this is working.
17:51
I don't think of it that way.
17:52
That's just fun.
17:54
But, you know, obligations, I would say, but, yeah, with other people.
18:01
Oh, can you see I'm squirming a little bit?
18:03
Like,.
18:07
So uncomfortable right now.
18:09
It's so uncomfortable for me and them to try to establish brown boundaries, especially after, who knows how of not having them.
18:19
Right.
18:20
Like, so people get very uncomfortable when you try to change things.
18:26
I'm one of them sometimes.
18:29
I'm pretty good about accepting other people's boundaries.
18:33
Right?
18:34
Yes, because you're doing the work on yourself.
18:37
Even before, like.
18:39
Okay, even before, like, people set a boundary.
18:42
I'm like, cool.
18:43
I know the rule.
18:44
Do you know what I mean?
18:45
Yeah, that was a rule I could understand.
18:47
Like, but see, I don't think I.
18:49
I love.
18:50
I love that for you.
18:51
I don't think that's true for me.
18:52
I don't.
18:53
Yeah, me either.
18:54
I need an explanation.
18:55
You have to tell me why.
18:56
Like, the way that I'm wired is, like, I need.
18:59
I.
19:00
I will question or be skeptical of a rule that I didn't make and I justification for it.
19:08
Yeah, right.
19:08
Like, I'm not.
19:10
I'm not talking about ambiguous, random.
19:15
That.
19:16
Yeah, I'm not talking about rules.
19:18
I'm talking about, like, people boundaries.
19:20
Like, what you did isn't okay.
19:22
Oh, you're right.
19:24
My bad.
19:25
Won't happen again.
19:26
Okay, that's fair.
19:27
Yeah, like, that kind of stuff.
19:33
I can relate to the.
19:35
I can relate to the boundaries, though, around work, because I agree with you.
19:39
Like, I think that connects back to, like, perfectionism and that, like, I need to, like, prove my worth or I don't want people to think that I don't work just because I work from home.
19:51
Like.
19:52
Yeah.
19:52
And so I had a.
19:53
I had a big battle with that when I first started working from home.
19:57
I've gotten a lot better at boundaries.
20:00
But I still.
20:02
I mean, as I said, I've been very, like, busy for the last year in work, and I feel like I have worked a lot on weekends for a few hours here and there.
20:12
Sometimes I'll sit.
20:13
Sit at the.
20:15
Sit on the couch with my laptop at night and just check through some, like, boring admin shit that I didn't get through during the day.
20:23
But I'm still working and I've, I've struggled to, like, I've struggled to create those boundaries or I guess hold those boundaries and be able to say, like, that's enough work.
20:36
It'll be there tomorrow, you know.
20:38
Yeah.
20:39
So that's all self imposed, right?
20:45
For me, I don't, obviously I don't relate to the whole work thing, having boundaries.
20:51
I go to the other extreme with that.
20:54
But it's.
20:55
For me, I feel it's more like boundaries for myself with other people.
21:01
Of.
21:03
Not so much that I'm imposing the boundaries on people, but that I learned and am still learning and practicing to say no, to not make myself so available that I don't have to be so available to everyone if
21:17
someone has a problem or they just need whatever.
21:20
Like, I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to.
21:23
Right.
21:24
You know, I don't, I don't have to reply to the text right away, you know, or I don't want to go with you, you know, like, stuff like that.
21:35
Because for me, when I know boundaries was.
21:38
I was like, yes, girl, yes.
21:42
Yep, yep, yep.
21:44
And I didn't get that back in return.
21:46
For me, when I had no boundaries, it was like, well, I don't have a good excuse not to.
21:52
So I have to say yes, yes, that was this, that was the inner narrative for me.
21:59
And so what I've tried to do, especially more recently, and I, I will say that I have been better about this at work is that not every free space on my calendar is available.
22:14
Right.
22:14
Like now I have new rules and boundaries on my calendar where, like, I won't take more than two meetings in a row.
22:22
So, so that I make sure I get a break so that my brain can transition and I can get up and like, pee or get a snack or like, be a human being who has to eat.
22:30
Right.
22:31
Like, I.
22:32
So I've been better about boundaries on my calendar and just about the general idea that, like, free time doesn't necessarily mean I am available.
22:42
Right.
22:44
That has been.
22:47
But it's so funny you saying, like having the excuse because you, but you do you.
22:51
I mean, I always felt like if there had to be an explanation with the no.
22:56
Right?
22:57
Like, well, how am I going to get out of this?
22:59
Because I have this, that and the other.
23:02
And it's like you can just say no, I can't.
23:05
Right?
23:07
Or we, I think we were talking about this just the other day, that episode of Friends where Ross asks, like, she, he's asking the guys to help him move.
23:16
And he's like, phoebe, can you help?
23:18
And she's like, thanks, I could.
23:19
Or I wish I could, but I don't want to.
23:21
And I'm like, oh, right, exactly.
23:25
Now, I have gotten better at that, I will say, like, understanding myself, that way of doing that temp check.
23:33
Right.
23:33
And I think we brought this up then in that episode, too.
23:36
I think that was people pleasing.
23:38
Yeah.
23:39
But like, saying, no, not this time,.
23:46
Or, no, not, but please ask me again.
23:49
Yeah.
23:49
Like, because.
23:51
Yeah, it's.
23:52
No, I just don't have the capacity or the time or I have.
23:55
Right, right.
23:56
Or.
23:57
Or even, like, even being able to.
23:59
Say, like, I don't say that.
24:01
I'm saying internal.
24:03
Oh, yeah, the internal.
24:04
But even being able to say, like, I know that you would never do this because you know me too well.
24:10
But age, if you call me and be like, hey, I'm going to the club on Friday night.
24:14
Do you want to come?
24:19
Like, hell no.
24:20
Absolutely not.
24:21
I don't.
24:22
And I won't say in that instance, I won't say, but please keep inviting me right now.
24:27
No, because I'm never going to go.
24:30
Because that has become a boundary for me, knowing my, like, my sort of sensory, I guess.
24:42
Yeah.
24:43
Like, I just.
24:44
That is not my jam.
24:46
Right.
24:46
Yeah.
24:47
There's too many people.
24:48
It's too loud, the blinky lights.
24:50
Like, I'm super light sensitive.
24:52
Right.
24:53
Like, I'm.
24:54
So many things about that are far too overstimulating for me, and I just simply don't have seven days to recover from it.
25:01
Right.
25:01
And so I'm gonna choose not to go because I've learned my own limits and preferences.
25:07
And so now I can just, like, kind of hold that boundary to myself to protect my energy.
25:11
Right.
25:12
Right.
25:12
Like, there's a huge state fair in our town that I feel like for the last, like, three years, we went to every year because it's only here for two weeks.
25:25
And, like, we have to go.
25:26
We have to just go check it out.
25:28
And it's this exact same every single time.
25:30
And finally last year, we were like, do any of us like, being here?
25:36
We don't.
25:36
Like, we don't.
25:37
We hate it.
25:38
It's, like, crowded and it smells.
25:40
And we sat in traffic and we had to park a mile away.
25:43
And all of this food makes me want to throw up.
25:46
Like, I.
25:46
So we just were like, oh, but, like, we don't have to go anymore then.
25:51
We just don't have to go.
25:54
So sometimes the boundaries are, like, honoring your own limits or Preferences and being able to say no to things that just don't align for you.
26:04
Um, but let's talk about the version of like, when it's with people.
26:08
What makes boundary setting with people so difficult?
26:12
Because it's getting so much easier for me to set boundaries for myself that are related to those maybe like sensory or preferential things.
26:21
But it's still challenging sometimes to set boundaries with people.
26:26
Well, I feel that, you know, it's tied to the people pleasing.
26:30
Right.
26:30
It's it because for me, I feel like such a responsibility to the, to the person that saying no or, you know, setting a boundary with them, I'm automatically thinking, how are they going to feel?
26:49
How are they going to react?
26:52
And you know, it's not so much of like, it's not so much that they're going to get mad, but it's.
27:00
It's the whole point of being misunderstood.
27:03
Right.
27:03
Which leads to the.
27:05
Over explaining yourself.
27:09
So that's why I feel like it, that that's what would make it so difficult.
27:14
But I, I mean, I.
27:16
The past year and a half has been huge for me with that in setting the boundaries.
27:22
And.
27:24
One thing that's helped me is that whatever I'm being asked, I then ask myself, is this what's best for me?
27:35
And then I'm able to decide, like, okay, is this what I really want to do?
27:40
Like, how am I going to feel doing that thing?
27:44
You know, and then say, no, I don't want to.
27:48
And then let it be.
27:50
Because the other part of that, right.
27:52
Is the guilt.
27:53
The guilt that comes along with.
27:57
Disappointing someone.
28:00
I don't know.
28:00
I don't know if I look at it as like that I'm disappointing them.
28:06
Do I?
28:08
I, I feel like again, it's being misunderstood because I have felt very misunderstood my whole life.
28:13
Right.
28:13
And so it's always more of like.
28:17
Well, because I mean, I am the cycle breaker, so therefore I'm the difficult one.
28:23
Right.
28:24
So it's.
28:25
I think it's more.
28:26
It's not so much of disappointing, but it's that then again, I'm being the difficult one by.
28:31
I'm gonna be a bird.
28:32
I'm somehow a burden in some way to this person, right?
28:35
By not.
28:36
Right by not doing whatever.
28:39
Say it again.
28:40
You're not going along, correct?
28:42
Yeah, I don't like to go along.
28:43
I don't know why people haven't figured that out.
28:46
I do not.
28:47
I've been forced to.
28:48
So I have.
28:49
But I don't like it.
28:51
So I'm learning to just not go along with it.
28:54
And even if I agree, if you told me that I have to do the thing, guess what?
29:00
I suddenly disagree.
29:02
Right.
29:02
Exactly.
29:04
And you know that comes over time.
29:06
Right.
29:07
Like all of us, I felt like for me, like all of a sudden I had clarity over that.
29:11
Like, then I understood it a different way and was like, okay, no, like, that doesn't sound like, how am I going to feel with that?
29:18
Am I going to feel peaceful with that or am I going to feel more dysregulated with that?
29:25
And if I feel dysregulated, then it's not for me.
29:28
Right.
29:28
If I feel at peace, then it is.
29:29
And then if saying no is what brings me peace, then no, it is.
29:34
And you know, you're just going to have to deal with however you feel about that.
29:37
It doesn't mean.
29:38
And I.
29:38
But also learning how to communicate that differently where in the past I, again, I was more abrupt.
29:45
Right.
29:45
I was more maybe forceful about things.
29:49
And now I'm like, no, I'm like, it's just.
29:51
That doesn't really work for me.
29:53
Like, you know, no apology.
29:55
I'm not going to over explain.
29:56
It just doesn't really work for me.
29:58
Right.
29:59
But it's very uncomfortable.
30:01
Sure.
30:02
And.
30:03
And at first I think what kept me not setting those boundaries was feeling guilty over how someone might feel.
30:15
And then I realized it's not my responsibility.
30:16
I've carried that long enough.
30:18
I need to put it down.
30:20
Yeah, yeah.
30:22
So as you were talking, I was realizing I.
30:24
I gotten better at depends on the person, right?
30:32
It does, absolutely.
30:34
Some people, it's super easy.
30:36
Correct?
30:36
Like, yeah, I have a great relationship with my child who's in their late 20s now, and they've been doing a lot of work on themselves.
30:48
I've been doing a lot of work on myself, you know, like, and it's been a process, but, you know, sometimes when stuff happens, I'm like, hey, that's not.
31:00
Don't talk to me like that.
31:01
You know, yeah, I understand you're going through a thing, but don't take it out of me.
31:07
And it's like.
31:08
And it's an immediate, like, you're right, I'm sorry.
31:11
Or, you know, whatever.
31:12
Like, it's not.
31:13
Not.
31:14
I guess so to me, it's kind of when that's not the situation that the other outcome is unknown.
31:25
Right.
31:26
Like, the not knowing piece is where it gets really uncomfortable for me.
31:34
How are they going to react?
31:36
And even knowing that, that it's not my responsibility in some situations, I still feel like what's the word I'm looking for?
31:49
I'm still going to be the target.
31:51
Ooh, right.
31:54
So there's going to be some sort of backlash for it.
31:57
Yeah.
31:57
Some kind of fallout or repercussion or.
32:01
Sure, yeah.
32:03
So.
32:05
Or just completely ignored.
32:09
Right.
32:10
But I really do understand the.
32:12
That people not understanding you thing is.
32:16
Yeah, girl.
32:17
Yeah.
32:17
Right.
32:18
Like, yeah, I feel that, too.
32:21
I feel that, too.
32:22
I mean, sometimes, to be fair, sometimes I don't even understand me.
32:25
Oh, yeah, Sometimes.
32:27
Sometimes the signal is just, like, coming from my body, and it's like, hey, alarm bells, girl.
32:32
Like, a boundary has been crossed that you did not know existed.
32:35
Right.
32:36
And so now I learn.
32:39
Then I learn, oh, okay.
32:42
That's a boundary.
32:43
I learned a new thing about myself today.
32:45
That is a boundary.
32:46
Right.
32:48
We actually talked about that when we were talking about core values and how I've gone through this exercise so many times with so many people.
32:56
I know this came up in one of our past episodes, but it's relevant here to say that people will, like, put the stamp on their core values and be like, this is it.
33:06
These are my four values.
33:07
These are my five values.
33:09
And then, like, a month or two later, they're like, well, I learned that integrity needs to be one of my values because somebody crossed a boundary today, and it triggered me so much that I realized that that's actually
33:19
one of the biggest things that I value.
33:22
And I was like, oh, yeah.
33:23
Like, that's.
33:23
So sometimes our values are also born of the places.
33:26
Like, born of the things or the experiences where we realize, like, oh, I'm not.
33:31
Like you were saying earlier, Adriana, like, I'm not willing to, like, allow this in my life, or I'm not willing to, like, live in a way that doesn't honor this thing that I value, which is my boundary.
33:46
Right.
33:46
So for me, creating core values told me a lot, actually, about where my boundaries are, because it helps me stay in alignment with my values, and it helps me use a bit more discernment in interactions with people.
34:02
Right.
34:03
And I don't always even vocalize the boundary because I know in some cases, saying this out loud is just going to create backlash.
34:10
So it's a silent boundary that I set for myself where I decide when and how I show up.
34:17
Right.
34:17
And it.
34:18
Because you don't have to explain.
34:20
Exactly.
34:21
Yeah, exactly.
34:22
Especially when, you know, it's the type of person who, if you do vocalize it, then they're.
34:30
Then they're definitely going to challenge that boundary and test it.
34:33
Right.
34:33
So I Just sometimes it's better if I just understand the boundary because boundaries are about what we're doing.
34:39
Right.
34:40
Not.
34:40
It's not about controlling other people or their behavior.
34:43
It's just saying, if it comes to this point, I'm going to leave.
34:47
Or when we're in the same space, I will acknowledge you or I'll be neutral.
34:55
But you don't get full access to me.
35:00
Right.
35:01
Like, I.
35:01
I won't be, you know, talking about myself or sharing anything that I, you know, with people who haven't earned the right to hear it or.
35:14
Right.
35:15
Or.
35:15
Yeah.
35:17
It's the.
35:19
For me, like, one of my.
35:20
One of my boundaries because one of my values is authenticity.
35:23
One of my boundaries is.
35:25
I don't.
35:26
I have such a low.
35:27
A small window of tolerance for, like, fake niceties.
35:31
The.
35:31
The sort of, like, placating and it's.
35:35
I don't.
35:36
I just don't.
35:37
Right.
35:38
So one of my boundaries is that I will be neutral at best, but I won't the fake nice because that's actually cruel.
35:47
Like, in my view, that is.
35:49
That's a form of, like, cruelty.
35:52
I won't be fake.
35:53
Devil poison.
35:53
Right.
35:54
Like, exactly.
35:55
They're not getting the true you and you don't get to be you.
35:58
Right, Right.
36:00
So gross on both sides.
36:02
That's actually a boundary for me.
36:03
It's just that I'm not going to engage in that so that everyone else around me is comfortable.
36:09
Especially if I know that, like, you don't.
36:12
You're not nice behind my back.
36:14
So why are you now being fake nice to my face?
36:17
Like, that closes that window of tolerance even more.
36:20
Right.
36:20
So.
36:23
So I think, again, the silent boundaries of just like, I.
36:28
I will never go out of my way to be, like, mean or unkind to someone, because that's also something I value.
36:34
But I'm also not going to be fake.
36:37
Right, Right.
36:39
That's what my values tell me about, like, where my boundaries are and how I show up.
36:44
Yeah.
36:44
And I think that's a super valid point too.
36:46
Right.
36:47
Like, boundaries aren't imposed on other people.
36:51
They are for us and what we are willing to tolerate or not tolerate.
36:58
It determines my actions, my behavior.
37:01
Exactly.
37:02
So I think that's a really key piece that maybe I confuse sometimes because of the mixed messaging out there.
37:11
Right.
37:12
Yeah.
37:12
People use boundary as a way to control other people and.
37:15
Yep.
37:16
Like.
37:16
Well, right.
37:17
Because they say it's a boundary for them.
37:19
Right.
37:19
But they're not doing it because they're really trying to control.
37:23
Right.
37:23
The other person's Behavior.
37:25
I feel like when I was saying earlier about being forceful, it was that, yeah, it was like I was trying to control the other person's behavior because whatever, they were triggering me or whatever.
37:38
And I feel like, yeah, we're taught about.
37:40
Well, not that we're not taught about boundaries in a healthy way.
37:42
Maybe they're.
37:43
There's talk of boundaries, but not.
37:47
Not like the.
37:48
The healthy way of.
37:49
Of actually setting a boundary because they're really for you, not for anyone else.
37:53
And the people that respect you will respect your boundaries and know like that that's how.
37:57
That's a way of caring for you and loving you because it's something that you need.
38:03
Right, right, right.
38:05
And there's a couple things in there with.
38:08
When you were just saying that I was thinking about, like, who.
38:12
Who did.
38:12
Like, what did I learn?
38:15
I learned that boundaries don't exist.
38:17
Right.
38:18
Like, I.
38:18
That's kind of what was modeled to us was that boundaries were, you know, flexible at best, which is actually okay.
38:27
It's okay for you to like, kind of have a boundary that can be flexible with certain people who have earned that.
38:33
Right.
38:34
Like, we can compromise at times, but there are other things that I'm.
38:39
That are non negotiable for me.
38:40
But what was modeled to me was that boundaries were either porous or non existent.
38:45
Right.
38:45
Like they.
38:46
They were.
38:47
There's no contradictory.
38:49
Yes.
38:49
Like, very rarely held or they just didn't exist at all.
38:54
And that was sort of like the.
38:56
The modeling.
38:57
So I didn't have a good example ever in my life until I was much older and probably until I started this healing journey.
39:07
Right.
39:07
Like, of what.
39:10
What boundaries even mean or look like.
39:12
And I, I have to, like, share the quote because it's the thing that I always try to ground myself into.
39:18
I heard it for sure.
39:20
I heard it from Brene Brown, but she was quoting.
39:24
I hope I'm not saying this incorrectly.
39:27
Apprentice Temple, who's another author.
39:31
And the quote is, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
39:40
Right.
39:40
It's the space where I'm respecting and protecting my needs.
39:46
And I don't build resentment towards you.
39:48
Yeah.
39:49
That for me is like the.
39:51
The thing that I have to ground into anytime I'm setting a boundary because it is uncomfortable still.
39:57
Right.
39:57
Like, it's still hard.
39:59
I.
40:00
It's hard to shake that people pleasing tendency.
40:03
It's like, like you were saying earlier, Sloan, like, my logical brain can understand the rationale.
40:09
I can feel confident that this is the right thing.
40:13
Logical brain, 100% on board sometimes forgets to send the message to my body, who's still having a visceral reaction to the idea of setting a boundary and potentially pissing someone off or disappointing them or whatever.
40:25
Right.
40:26
There's still a bit of a disconnect, which means there's still work to do there.
40:31
Oh, yeah.
40:33
Because a lot comes up when it's time to set the boundary.
40:38
Right.
40:39
Yeah, sure.
40:41
How about you guys?
40:41
Did you have a good model?
40:43
Oh, go ahead.
40:44
I mean, yes and no.
40:46
So as I was thinking, I'm like, my family had great boundaries.
40:50
They never, like, probably in the opposite direction.
40:55
Oh, goodness, we're not gonna talk about anything or you know what I mean?
41:00
Like that old stoic, very avoidant old countryside.
41:08
Is that a boundary or is that just avoidance?
41:11
Well.
41:11
Right.
41:12
You know what I mean?
41:14
Well, they think it's a boundary.
41:16
Well, I.
41:18
Right.
41:19
So I think the messaging I received was boundaries are for us, not for you.
41:27
Ooh.
41:29
Yeah.
41:29
That's interesting.
41:32
Yeah.
41:32
That's what came up to me while you were saying all that, because I'm like, our.
41:39
Our boundaries were not porous.
41:41
I mean, it was on my side.
41:44
Oh, right.
41:46
Well, because we had to be, like, accommodating and.
41:50
Yeah.
41:50
Like flexible and.
41:51
Yeah.
41:53
That's interesting.
41:56
That's interesting.
41:58
As a child.
42:00
Ooh.
42:01
Well, I think in some ways as an adult.
42:03
Right.
42:04
Like.
42:05
Because I can say for sure, like, my ex husband's family had no boundaries.
42:12
So then going from my family to that family was like culture shock, you know, like, you need to adjust.
42:19
It's like, why do I need to adjust?
42:24
Why can't you respect my boundaries?
42:27
Which is.
42:27
I don't share every thing in my entire life.
42:31
Right.
42:32
Ever.
42:33
Right.
42:34
I have four planets in the 12th house.
42:36
I'm a lockbox.
42:37
People.
42:38
Like, closed mouth in the best of times, in.
42:43
In an unsafe environment.
42:45
You're not going to get anything out of me.
42:47
So, yeah, it's interesting to feel the tug of war from two totally different places, but getting the same message is you don't have boundaries or you're not allowed to have them.
43:03
Yeah.
43:04
I mean, I was thinking that, like, my.
43:06
Well, my parents had boundaries.
43:08
Right.
43:08
Like, they could tell me.
43:11
Right.
43:12
No.
43:12
Or what to do.
43:13
But that's so interesting because I had never thought about that.
43:18
Yeah.
43:18
And.
43:19
And that is the because I said so generation.
43:22
Exactly.
43:23
Even then.
43:23
Even then, they didn't explain themselves, but it was only with me.
43:27
It couldn't go the other way.
43:29
And I didn't see it modeled among adults.
43:32
Yeah.
43:32
Right.
43:32
I couldn't stand that.
43:34
But it was only like parent to child.
43:36
There were like hard, firm boundaries that would not be explained.
43:41
It's interesting.
43:44
I never thought about it that way.
43:47
Yeah.
43:47
I.
43:47
I hate the because I told you so.
43:49
And I hate when people still say it today I look at them, I'm like, what the wrong with you?
43:52
Like, haven't you learned that by now?
43:54
Like now did you like it as a kid?
43:57
Why would 20, 26.
43:58
We are not that anymore.
44:01
You know, like, you didn't like it when you were little.
44:04
Come on.
44:05
Yeah.
44:07
Where are you like actively practicing this?
44:16
I'm shaking my head at rolling man.
44:18
She's cring.
44:20
Like, obviously it's still a thing.
44:23
Like I said, like, I don't know where I do practice boundaries.
44:27
I know I do.
44:28
Yeah.
44:29
But some situations is so much harder with family, with long standing relationships.
44:37
Mm.
44:38
And really trying to change my relationship with setting boundaries.
44:48
I think I said this before too.
44:49
Is like in my episode.
44:52
Right.
44:53
Like, people have a tendency to just cut me off, which is ironic because that's what I do.
44:59
That used to be my boundary making.
45:02
Oh.
45:03
Like, okay, we're done.
45:05
Like that was it.
45:06
There may no more conversations.
45:07
You know what I mean?
45:08
Like, we've said everything we need to say.
45:12
We're done.
45:14
So really trying to change my rules around that and what it actually means, like, what does it mean to healthily set boundaries with another person or with myself in regards to other people that I do care about, but
45:34
at the same time I might be unhappy with certain things.
45:37
Right.
45:38
So it's hard.
45:40
Yeah.
45:41
I feel like for me I'm practicing it is more with family because that's really been the theme.
45:46
I mean, I think for me.
45:47
Yeah.
45:48
I mean, I.
45:49
It's really been the theme for like the past year and a half, almost two years.
45:52
And.
45:55
And not that it's not really showing up.
45:58
Well, I guess it's maybe because I'm trying to think of like friendships.
46:01
Right.
46:02
And I think when I started to learn about boundaries or where I didn't have any, I stopped talking to those people because.
46:13
Because it's.
46:14
Because the disconnect was so big.
46:17
Right.
46:17
Like where I was the one giving and that's it.
46:21
And so I was like, okay, well then we're done with that.
46:23
So that was my first like just cutting you off.
46:25
Right.
46:26
But I can't cut everybody out of my life.
46:28
Right.
46:28
I mean, although it's pretty easy for me, but.
46:32
But it's not something I want to do.
46:34
So it's.
46:35
You have to Learn.
46:36
Right.
46:36
You have to learn how to be in relationships.
46:40
So for me, it's with family.
46:41
I.
46:43
And then, yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, maybe some new friendships, too.
46:48
Right?
46:48
Like, where, hey, you want to do this?
46:50
And I'm like, no, or I'm not available, and I don't explain.
46:54
You know, my instinct is I want to explain.
46:56
Like, I want to say, oh, no, because I got this, that, and that the other.
46:59
And then I have to do this, and I have to do that.
47:00
I'm like, why do I have to tell people that?
47:02
I don't have to tell anybody that.
47:04
So I just said, no, I'm sorry, I'm not available.
47:06
Yep.
47:08
I was actually going to say the same thing as you when I was thinking about where am I actively practicing this?
47:14
Because generosity is one of my core values as well.
47:18
One of my personal core values.
47:20
But I've learned over time that I need to set better boundaries around generosity.
47:30
When there is no reciprocity.
47:34
And not to say that I give with an expectation of a return, but it's the.
47:42
When I give and then there's an expectation on the other side that I'm going to continue to give and give and give and I feel taken advantage of, then a boundary needs to be in place, and I need
47:55
to be better about kind of protecting that, because that, again, also feeds resentment.
48:05
Right.
48:05
Like, I.
48:06
There have been many situations where I have no qualms about showing up for the people I love and care about the most, even if I know that that's not going to be returned to me, like, in kind immediately.
48:21
Right.
48:22
Like there's.
48:23
There's going to be.
48:23
No, that's.
48:25
That is literally the life.
48:27
Exactly.
48:28
We're not keeping score.
48:29
I don't want to keep score in my relationships.
48:31
That's not what this is about.
48:33
Yeah.
48:34
But also when there is a constant expectation, when I feel that it's now an expectation rather than a choice I have, where I get to choose when and how I show up and when I'm generous with my time
48:50
or my resources or whatever.
48:52
Right.
48:53
That's when I.
48:54
When it starts to feel icky for me and I have to set a.
48:57
Set a boundary around generosity and how much of myself I give, because I also can't give generously if I am not taking care of myself.
49:11
That's where I'm practicing.
49:14
And also, the thing that we've been talking about literally for months, setting better boundaries for myself around work, because to be clear, the working nights and weekends is not an expectation from anyone but me.
49:29
Is all self imposed.
49:33
And so I need to do a better job setting boundaries with myself or setting better expectations, giving myself a bit more time on things.
49:42
Right.
49:43
When I say, like, oh, I'll have that to you by Friday, is that actually realistic?
49:47
Maybe, maybe not.
49:48
Right before we close out, anybody got a.
49:52
Anybody got a petty boundary?
49:55
Something silly that you will not budge on?
50:00
Don't.
50:00
Definitely.
50:01
I'm totally in agreement with that.
50:02
But I'll also add, if you call me once and I don't pick up, don't fucking call me again two or three more times because I'm definitely not going to answer.
50:13
Or it's like, I mean like, yeah, like, don't call me and then text me.
50:21
Or like, if I don't answer you right away, don't text.
50:24
Hello?
50:25
Like with this.
50:26
Yeah, like, then where are you?
50:28
Why didn't you respond to me?
50:30
No, I.
50:31
Like, I call you twice in a row or I call you and then I text you, it's because somebody's died.
50:35
And I was gonna say there's an emergency.
50:37
Exactly.
50:38
There's an emergency.
50:39
Exactly.
50:39
The times that that has happened is there's.
50:41
There's always an emergency.
50:43
So the petty boundary is don't cry wolf, because if I pick up the phone and it is not an emergency, I'm a baby pissed.
50:50
So my mom used to do that.
50:51
Right?
50:52
So back in the 90s when, you know, we didn't have a cell phone back then, right?
50:57
And so she would call and so what she would do is that I didn't pick up at the phone and then she called my sister.
51:06
You know where your sister is?
51:07
Or she would do the same to me.
51:08
Like, she would call my sister.
51:09
She's not there.
51:09
She called me.
51:10
I'm like, the hell?
51:11
How would I know?
51:11
Like, I don't live with her, you know?
51:14
That's so funny.
51:15
What the hell?
51:16
I have another one too.
51:18
Similar to don't touch my stuff.
51:19
I just need to.
51:21
No one else is allowed to fold my laundry.
51:23
Oh, interesting.
51:24
I can't because I'm very.
51:26
This very specific.
51:28
Along with the dishwasher, stay out of my bubble unless I have explicitly given you permission to be in it.
51:38
Oh, see, I don't think that's petty.
51:41
I think that's.
51:43
I have another.
51:45
People think it's petty.
51:47
Right?
51:47
Yes.
51:48
I also have one.
51:50
Don't show up unannounced.
51:54
That's a no.
51:56
That's a big one for me.
51:57
Thank you for saying that.
51:58
Because now it just made me want to fly there and like, knock on Your damn door.
52:03
Okay, but see, look, let's see.
52:06
Here's the thing, right?
52:07
Because I like surprises, right?
52:10
So, like, when my friend surprised me that one time, because when we were on this.
52:14
The circle, and.
52:15
And so there's a knock on my door, and I'm like, the fuck is knocking on my door?
52:20
Like.
52:20
Because I didn't get a call.
52:21
How dare you?
52:22
Yeah, I didn't get a call saying, someone's here for you.
52:24
So I'm like, who the fuck is knocking on my door?
52:26
And when I first moved here, that was one of the reasons why I did not want to make friends in the building, because I don't want someone just knocking on my door.
52:33
And so I was like, who the fuck?
52:35
So I was like, I'm going to ignore them, but they were not going to go away.
52:39
They're not going to go away.
52:39
So I was like, all right.
52:40
And so funny.
52:41
I didn't even look through the little people.
52:43
I just opened the door and there she was.
52:45
Because she moved, like, six months ago, and there she was, and I was like, oh, my God.
52:48
And I was so, so happy.
52:50
So I feel like something like that, like, then there's a short list of people.
52:58
Well, yeah, right?
53:00
But if one of the two of you showed up unannounced, I'd be like, I am canceling literally everything.
53:06
What are we doing?
53:07
Yeah, exactly.
53:08
Exactly.
53:09
But, you know, you get.
53:10
And I don't.
53:11
But I'm saying that some people I'm sure, can relate to, like, having family who just show up.
53:15
I mean, you know, you've heard this.
53:17
Or friends who just feel like they can just show up, like, you better call me first.
53:21
And, like, you need to get me out, because I need to prepare because you're coming to my sanctuary and I.
53:26
Need to mentally prepare.
53:27
Yeah, I need to prepare my space.
53:29
I know, right?
53:30
And how long are you staying?
53:34
Oh, it's so funny.
53:37
So when I first.
53:38
When I first moved here, I remember my aunts were like, oh, no.
53:41
Adriana has a limit of how long people can stay.
53:44
And I'm like, yeah.
53:45
I'm like.
53:45
Because it depends on the person.
53:47
Like, you can't just come here and come for, like, 10 hours if I don't want you here for 10 hours.
53:52
So, you know, it depends on who.
53:55
Some people are allowed to come in, like, whenever.
53:57
And some people are like, you have a limit.
54:01
Can I just say that, like, since.
54:04
Since my grandfather passed away, which has now been almost six years that he's been gone.
54:09
But my grandmother lives alone.
54:11
They have six kids and they take turns going to visit my grandmother.
54:15
Obviously, they all, they all mostly still live in town, so they, you know, just check in on her all the time, make sure she's not lonely.
54:22
And my mom was telling me that like, or I think it was actually my aunt that was telling me she was there one time.
54:29
And my grandmother goes, well, thanks for stopping by.
54:32
And that's like her, you gotta go.
54:36
Yep.
54:38
That's the new way to say get the out.
54:40
You've reached your limit.
54:41
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
54:44
And that.
54:44
So I'm gonna start.
54:45
I'm gonna start using that as a boundary.
54:47
Thanks so much for coming.
54:48
Yeah, exactly.
54:50
Thank you for coming.
54:50
It was so nice to see you.
54:52
And that, that is one boundary I've worked on quite a bit, actually, is like, when I do go do stuff with people is not explaining right.
55:00
And making excuses to leave.
55:02
I just like, okay, well, I'm gonna go.
55:06
It was, yeah.
55:07
Good to see you.
55:07
Thank you so much for whatever, you know.
55:09
Bye.
55:10
And then about, like, yeah, yeah.
55:12
Two hours is right around my max, so.
55:15
Right.
55:16
Yeah.
55:16
And I, like, I, I feel like I've started saying things like, well, I'm about at my limit.
55:23
Social battery is empty, and I've loved every second of this, but I gotta go.
55:28
Yeah, yeah, yep, time to go.
55:32
So the, I, I think this sort of closing sentiment as we land the plane here on boundaries.
55:43
Cause I feel like we could talk about this for a few more hours.
55:45
For me, this is connected to our value of sovereignty.
55:49
Right.
55:49
That sort of reclamation of self and being able to protect your time, your energy, and it's a constant practice.
56:01
Right.
56:01
And I can't wait to talk about many more times where we try to set boundaries or we successfully set boundaries and we get to celebrate with one another, but something that we're always learning and unlearning.
56:17
Right.
56:17
Like, there's parts of this that require a lot of unlearning that we're still working through.
56:23
But I think the, the common thread for all of us that I heard today or that I, I feel and, and we've talked about a lot is that this, this feels rebellious because it's connected to the people pleasing.
56:39
Right.
56:40
And so the, the unlearning there, or like believing or holding your ground or being rooted in your values is an absolutely okay thing for you.
56:53
I guess the invitation for all of us and for anyone who's listening or wants to join the community or share your stories is you get to decide when that door opens or when it closes.
57:06
Yeah, we'd love to hear about your boundaries, especially if they're petty.
57:10
Right, Right.
57:12
Give us some laughs.
57:13
Well, you know what?
57:15
Some people might think they're petty.
57:16
Obviously, to.
57:18
To you, it's not.
57:19
Right.
57:19
It's important.
57:20
So.
57:21
Yeah.
57:22
Well, thank you.
57:24
Thanks again.
57:26
That's a wrap.
57:27
Love you guys.
57:29
Love you.