Latest / Kickin’ It With KeKe: Life, Love, & MINDSET / Episode #157 “When Your Body Keeps the Score: Healing Trauma, Burnout, and Nervous System Overload” w/Mitch Webb

Transcript

Episode #157 “When Your Body Keeps the Score: Healing Trauma, Burnout, and Nervous System Overload” w/Mitch Webb · Kickin’ It With KeKe: Life, Love, & MINDSET

0:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Chicken and with Kiki kicking up you Ki
0:08
Speaker 1: Ki kicking up the ki key for a little personality,
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Speaker 1: switching up the storyline on God we making that story
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Speaker 1: and hosts changing ouse one day at the time. Much
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Speaker 1: problems to the side. Enjoy yourself, free your mind, Chicken
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Speaker 1: it we Ki keep Hello, Hello, and welcome back to
0:42
Speaker 1: another episode of Kicking It with Kiki, Life, love and
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Speaker 1: all that other ship. I am your host, Kiki Shanel.
0:47
Speaker 1: You know we're all about mindset and personal growth for
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Speaker 1: the podcast, so I am elated to have my guests
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Speaker 1: for today. We've been corresponding back and forth and he
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Speaker 1: is such a cool guy, so it's good to see
1:00
Speaker 1: the face behind the emails. So Mitch, thank you for
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Speaker 1: coming to Kicking with Me today.
1:06
Speaker 2: Absolutely, thanks for having me Kiky. I appreciate it. Excited
1:09
Speaker 2: to be here to chat with you today. Absolutely.
1:12
Speaker 1: I like to give my guests the opportunity to tell
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Speaker 1: the listeners who they are and what they do, so
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Speaker 1: I'll go ahead and turn it over to you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, no problem, I can do that. So I'm Mitch Webb.
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Speaker 2: I'm a nervous system coach and I came to this
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Speaker 2: profession through my own health journey. You know, it started
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Speaker 2: with wanting to get rid of chronic symptoms like anxiety, autoimmune,
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Speaker 2: gut issues, different things that I was dealing with. And
1:39
Speaker 2: I started my career office leaving the corporate world and
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Speaker 2: becoming a health coach, and I basically just shared what
1:46
Speaker 2: I learned as I went and in the beginning that
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Speaker 2: was nutrition and movement, various forms of exercise. Eventually got
1:54
Speaker 2: into detox and mindset. And you know, the thing that
1:59
Speaker 2: really caught my attention the last couple of years that
2:02
Speaker 2: I've hung my hat on is the nervous system and
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Speaker 2: understanding this regulation and suppressed emotions and helping people reconnect
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Speaker 2: with their body to understand what these chronic symptoms actually mean.
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Speaker 2: You know, we think they're something to get rid of,
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Speaker 2: something to take a pill for, put a band aid on,
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Speaker 2: when they're really our body trying to get our attention
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Speaker 2: and move us more into alignment with who we are.
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Speaker 2: And so when we can connect with our body, we
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Speaker 2: can express the emotions, the sensations that didn't get a
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Speaker 2: chance to express whenever we felt overwhelmed and we had trauma.
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Speaker 2: And that's how my clients are able to heal from
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Speaker 2: these what feels like debilitating symptoms when they've tried everything
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Speaker 2: and nothing else works.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely, Why I commend you for that, because we need
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Speaker 1: more people in that field. Because I always had anxiety.
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Speaker 1: I just didn't know the name for it growing up
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Speaker 1: until like maybe ten fifteen years ago, because we just
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Speaker 1: didn't talk about it. For listeners who may be hearing
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Speaker 1: this term for the first time, what exactly is nervous
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Speaker 1: system of regulation?
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Speaker 2: Sure, and I have to have it, say a ditto
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Speaker 2: for the anxiety thing. You know, I didn't know what
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Speaker 2: it was either. I had a bad accident and started
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Speaker 2: having anxiety and panic attacks, and that looks like you know,
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Speaker 2: I couldn't sleep. I love being the center of attention
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Speaker 2: in life of the party, and I would just seize
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Speaker 2: up around people in public. I couldn't get a deep breath,
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Speaker 2: and certainly found ways to cope through alcohol and drugs
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Speaker 2: and whatever that meant to try to relax. And I
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Speaker 2: would say those attempts are an intelligent way to have
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Speaker 2: a resource so that we can settle when we don't
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Speaker 2: get taught what this stuff means. And eventually we want
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Speaker 2: to learn external or internal resources so that we can
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Speaker 2: regulate and back to your question about Oh wait, I
3:59
Speaker 2: didn't finish this. I go to the doctor and how
4:02
Speaker 2: I'm dealing with all these symptoms, and I'm like, what
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Speaker 2: is going on? And he wrote down a piece of paper,
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Speaker 2: you know, you have anxiety, and so we take this,
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Speaker 2: you know, this communication from the body, and it's almost
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Speaker 2: like we demonize that, here's your here's your prescription, and
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Speaker 2: go on home and you know, try to fix it.
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Speaker 2: And I didn't know what that meant either. I'm like,
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Speaker 2: what do you mean anxiety? I've never even heard that word,
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Speaker 2: and I wish we could get rid of it. Uh, dysregulation,
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Speaker 2: Like to the question that you asked, is a more
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Speaker 2: appropriate term, I would say, and it just means being stuck.
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Speaker 2: You know, we've got different branches of our nervous systems.
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Speaker 2: You might hear fight, flight, rest and digest, and and
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Speaker 2: to heal from anxiety doesn't mean an absence of symptoms
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Speaker 2: our nervous system. Life is hard, Things happen, emotions come
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Speaker 2: and go. It's more about getting stuck and staying in
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Speaker 2: a really high activation. That would be anxiety. I'm gonna
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Speaker 2: jump out of my skin. I feel like my skin
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Speaker 2: is crawling. I used to say my body feels like
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Speaker 2: it's on fire. And when we experience prolonged stress in
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Speaker 2: that high level of activation for an extended period of time,
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Speaker 2: then we go into burnout, we go into collapse and freeze,
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Speaker 2: and that's where we get more symptoms of fatigue and
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Speaker 2: feeling numb and that's where people will say, I don't
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Speaker 2: have any trial, I don't feel anything. We don't feel
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Speaker 2: anything because we've been in that because our body is
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Speaker 2: protecting us in a very intelligent way, but we basically
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Speaker 2: numbed ourselves out. And ironic, when we start to heal
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Speaker 2: the freeze, I work with people in both camps high
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Speaker 2: activation shut down freeze, we typically tend to feel more
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Speaker 2: and a really good sign of things coming back online
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Speaker 2: is feeling more of that activation, that adrenaline that has
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Speaker 2: never had the chance to burn off because we've been
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Speaker 2: suppressing it and avoiding it and numbing it and kind
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Speaker 2: of make it go away, right absolutely.
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Speaker 1: How does the nervous system impact our emotions, physical health,
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Speaker 1: and decision making on a daily basis?
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Speaker 2: That's a good that's a good question, you know, I
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Speaker 2: think you know emotions. How does the nervous system affect
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Speaker 2: our emotions? It depends on when I think of emotions.
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Speaker 2: You know, that's energy coming through and it's trying to
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Speaker 2: get our attention. If we don't know how to express
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Speaker 2: that emotion anger, fear, sadness, and joy. If we were
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Speaker 2: taught that that's not allowed, and then we suppress that
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Speaker 2: like men, you know, we're we're only allowed to be
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Speaker 2: angry and violent. We are emotional, we're being a little
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Speaker 2: bit or something like that, you know, And so when
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Speaker 2: we go when we have sadness or we have shame
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Speaker 2: or fear, you know, we suppress that and we're I
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Speaker 2: just think, as soon as I say that, I feel
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Speaker 2: like I'm holding all of this in now. When those
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Speaker 2: emotions don't get to express, they become symptoms, right, yes,
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Speaker 2: And and when we can allow symptoms to move, they're
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Speaker 2: here for two or three minutes. But if we are
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Speaker 2: you know, ruminating and avoiding and afraid of expressing ourselves
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Speaker 2: or told that that's wrong, holding that in is what
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Speaker 2: caused the symptoms. And you know, talking about our decision making,
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Speaker 2: if I'm stuck in fight or flight, my priorities are
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Speaker 2: not to think clearly and to use the intelligence that
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Speaker 2: I've been given. I'm gonna be trying to survive, you know,
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Speaker 2: and so my digestion goes off. My vision is tunnel vision.
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Speaker 2: I'm perceiving the world as a threat, and so I'm
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Speaker 2: gonna misinterpret people's communication and sensations from my environment. And
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Speaker 2: I'm kind of like a cat on a hot tin roof,
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Speaker 2: and I think that's me. And I could even say
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Speaker 2: that that's bad when I can't just look around and go, oh,
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Speaker 2: I'm stuck, and I don't know how to express this emotion.
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Speaker 2: So a lot of this is just I'm winding a
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Speaker 2: lot of the beliefs that we've learned from being a
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Speaker 2: kid and then learning about emotions and being able to
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Speaker 2: express those and to work with those sensations in the
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Speaker 2: body to untangle this web of symptoms that can accumulate
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Speaker 2: when we're not in our body, not allowing emotions and
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Speaker 2: trying to fix the them.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely, do you believe that mindset and our nervous system,
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Speaker 1: you know, regulation goes hand in handing some way. I
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Speaker 1: believe so, because it wasn't until I decided to change
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Speaker 1: my mindset that I started to understand what my triggers
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Speaker 1: were when it came to anxiety. Yeah, and that once
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Speaker 1: I knew I was able to be more conscious and
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Speaker 1: try and find things that would help me. Yeah, and
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Speaker 1: it's okay to go to therapy and get counseling and
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Speaker 1: all the things. And we need to break the stigma
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Speaker 1: behind that and get some help and stop focusing on
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Speaker 1: what people will think because you use the A word.
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Speaker 2: What's the A word exactly? Yeah, Yeah, I got you,
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Speaker 2: I got you. Yes, that's an interesting conversation, you know
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Speaker 2: when you say mindset? Okay, so really cool question about
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Speaker 2: mindset and the nervous system. Because when I first got
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Speaker 2: into this work, we kind of treated those two like
9:21
Speaker 2: they were separate, and I almost put one like in
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Speaker 2: a hierarchy, like what's better the mind or the body?
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Speaker 2: Because the word somatic means body, and you may hear
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Speaker 2: people say, hey, you got to feel it to heal it.
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Speaker 2: It's very important to learn how to feel what's going
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Speaker 2: on to the in the body. It's called building awareness
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Speaker 2: and interoception, which is our bodily sensient sensations, and then
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Speaker 2: eventually neuroception, which is pursuit. In the past, there would
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Speaker 2: be things like CBT and DBT, and I think everything
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Speaker 2: has a time and a place. I am more of
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Speaker 2: a fan of the somatic and that that's what I practice.
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Speaker 2: But I combine both because if we don't include the
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Speaker 2: brain then the body with the body, then we're gonna
10:08
Speaker 2: miss parts of ourselves. And even when we start to
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Speaker 2: get get started with this work, there's so many doorways.
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Speaker 2: There's and I think that's where we can really limit
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Speaker 2: ourselves if we only are trying to use one door.
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Speaker 2: So that people may not have capacity to feel in
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Speaker 2: their body yet, but that can work with their thoughts.
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Speaker 2: I can work with their behaviors, I can work with
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Speaker 2: their beliefs, I can work with sensations. And the nervous
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Speaker 2: system is always going to be the map and it's
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Speaker 2: going to show us the door. But we got to
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Speaker 2: learn to be here in our body and build capacity
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Speaker 2: to be with the sensations that we've been avoiding so
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Speaker 2: that we can start to go deeper into that. And
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Speaker 2: a good example, you know the ESSA, it's called somatic experiencing.
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Speaker 2: They say, you know you want to feel it to
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Speaker 2: heal it, right, Well, that's it's kind of like an
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Speaker 2: animal model. When I was taught that, they showed a
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Speaker 2: clip of a an animal being chased by a predator
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Speaker 2: and then when it gets free, it looks around, it
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Speaker 2: orients and it realizes that it's safe, and then it
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Speaker 2: shakes everything off. And so at that time, you had
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Speaker 2: all these different exercises and books written on, written on
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Speaker 2: you just got to shake. Well what if there? The
11:32
Speaker 2: thing is separates humans and animals is that we have
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Speaker 2: this higher brain right, and we have this conditioning and beliefs,
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Speaker 2: and if I don't believe it's safe to shake, then
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Speaker 2: I'm just shaking, you know, for no reason, with lacking
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Speaker 2: connection from my own body, and so there's no information
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Speaker 2: and connection happening. The nervous system heals in relationship, not
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Speaker 2: in being disconnected. That that's what we're trying to do,
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Speaker 2: is trying to reconnect things. So we use the beliefs,
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Speaker 2: we use what's going on in the body there, and
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Speaker 2: it's like in a session they're kind of going hand
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Speaker 2: in hand, and so we may have a belief and
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Speaker 2: then we may pause and say, what's that feel like
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Speaker 2: in your body and we notice, oh, man, I've got
12:15
Speaker 2: this tension in my chest and it feels really gross,
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Speaker 2: and I noticed that I want to run away. Well
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Speaker 2: that's really intelligent, and that's awareness. But over time we
12:25
Speaker 2: want to learn. Can't I sit here with this tightness
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Speaker 2: in my chest and see what happens next. That's called
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Speaker 2: following the wave. But what we've been taught in our
12:36
Speaker 2: society is the wave is bad. So as soon as
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Speaker 2: we go up like to to complete let's say anger
12:45
Speaker 2: or even sad, and that's could work in the same situation,
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Speaker 2: it's got to hit a peak of activation and then
12:51
Speaker 2: it comes down. So when we're going up that ladder,
12:54
Speaker 2: we're taught this anxiety is bad. So we're going, oh
12:57
Speaker 2: my god, what is this? What is this? And so
13:00
Speaker 2: we're going to try to fix it. We're trying to
13:01
Speaker 2: figure it out. We're going to go to Google, we're
13:03
Speaker 2: going to take a pill, we're going to do whatever
13:05
Speaker 2: that may be healthy or not healthy. Could be food,
13:07
Speaker 2: could be exercised, could be alcohol, whatever. But what we
13:11
Speaker 2: learn in this work is if we titrate that experience
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Speaker 2: of being with that intense sensation, we build capacity to
13:18
Speaker 2: be with that. We are now reparenting ourselves. We're working
13:22
Speaker 2: with this part of us that's angry or scared, and
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Speaker 2: if we stay with that sensation, eventually we hit a
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Speaker 2: peek and we come down right and for me doing
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Speaker 2: this work. For several years, I was so afraid of
13:37
Speaker 2: going up up that ladder, if you will. And then eventually,
13:42
Speaker 2: once I learned to trust myself and build more safety
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Speaker 2: with these sensations, and I learn, oh shit, if I
13:49
Speaker 2: stay with this for two minutes, it's like a Dagone
13:52
Speaker 2: magic trick. And I have been trying to figure out
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Speaker 2: how to fix this anxiety for a decade, and you're
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Speaker 2: telling me the solution is with and turning towards these
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Speaker 2: emotions and these sensations, not running away and numbing it.
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Speaker 2: All that does, that's fixing and figuring out. It tells
14:12
Speaker 2: our nervous system that there's a threat that's not going
14:15
Speaker 2: to go away, and our hypervigilance and anxiety just gets
14:18
Speaker 2: more and more and more. And everybody out in the
14:21
Speaker 2: health and wellness industry wants to give you a supplement,
14:24
Speaker 2: a thing to do, a new protocol or a new
14:29
Speaker 2: course to take, and that's just more doing and we
14:32
Speaker 2: want to get back to being. And for someone who
14:35
Speaker 2: bi or hacked everything and did all the diets and
14:38
Speaker 2: personalized all this stuff for everyone, it's it feels like
14:43
Speaker 2: it feels like a miracle, you know, And it's it's
14:45
Speaker 2: so much less effort and pressure, and it's just acceptance
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Speaker 2: and compassion and trust and safety.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely, And I think anything that you want to heal,
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Speaker 1: you have to go through it. You have to sit
15:01
Speaker 1: with it and go through it. It's not meant to
15:04
Speaker 1: be easy. If it were, everybody would do it. You
15:10
Speaker 1: find out things about yourself throughing your healing journey that
15:13
Speaker 1: you don't like, didn't know existed. In all the things
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Speaker 1: you may find out about like your spouse, your kids,
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Speaker 1: anything it might trigger you. I don't like them that way.
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Speaker 1: I love them, but I don't like them because they
15:26
Speaker 1: make me feel a certain way. I'm going through that
15:29
Speaker 1: healing journey. I'm still on the path because I want
15:32
Speaker 1: to grow and become the best version of myself. I
15:36
Speaker 1: help clients go through mindset and personal growth. If I
15:40
Speaker 1: never go through it, I can't create things that would
15:44
Speaker 1: help them go through it. It's almost like being a hypocrite.
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Speaker 1: And I'm glad that you're talking about healing, and it
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Speaker 1: brings me to my next question. Why is it important
15:54
Speaker 1: to include the body in healing, not just the mind.
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Speaker 2: I'm gonna come back to that include the body. I
16:01
Speaker 2: want to point something out that you said that I
16:03
Speaker 2: think we can add like a little asterisk to that.
16:05
Speaker 2: I learned throughout my journey, and so we say I
16:09
Speaker 2: have a trigger, and yes, when we start to do
16:12
Speaker 2: this work relationships, it's the ultimate red pill because it's
16:16
Speaker 2: all about awareness and it's waking you up to what's
16:19
Speaker 2: going on in your body and your household and your family,
16:22
Speaker 2: at your business and your society. And it's overwhelming, right
16:26
Speaker 2: because we've all been kind of asleep at the wheel
16:29
Speaker 2: in that functional freeze. And as we wake up and
16:32
Speaker 2: shine a light in the room, the dark room that
16:34
Speaker 2: we've been avoiding, there's some scary shit in there. And
16:37
Speaker 2: that's why we go really slow and do little bits. Now,
16:40
Speaker 2: one thing you said was I get triggered by people, right, so,
16:45
Speaker 2: and that makes me feel One thing is somebody told
16:47
Speaker 2: me like day one with this and I'm constantly sharing
16:51
Speaker 2: this is nobody can make you feel anything we feel
16:56
Speaker 2: because we have unresolved wounds that are getting triggered by
16:59
Speaker 2: other people in the environment. Right, So, learned I used
17:03
Speaker 2: to go, I don't want to be triggered anymore. I
17:06
Speaker 2: don't want to be triggered. Well, that's telling my nervous
17:08
Speaker 2: system that the threat is not going away. I can't
17:10
Speaker 2: get away from it. That's going to put even more
17:12
Speaker 2: pressure on my nervous system. What I had to learn
17:15
Speaker 2: is that these triggers are actually a good thing. And
17:17
Speaker 2: then when I say the nervous system is our map,
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Speaker 2: those triggers are the healing work that is telling me, oh, man,
17:25
Speaker 2: here it goes again. I'm feeling that feeling in my gut.
17:28
Speaker 2: My head's hurting, I'm getting that tightness in my chest.
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Speaker 2: And I used to go, damn it, here it goes again.
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Speaker 2: And now I go, oh, we got a new thing
17:35
Speaker 2: to work on. Not that that's what I don't want
17:38
Speaker 2: to be searching and going after trauma that leads us
17:42
Speaker 2: with our butt kicked because I'm not ready for those things.
17:45
Speaker 2: That's saying brain knows more than body. And it's kind
17:48
Speaker 2: of going into your question of how we include the body. Well,
17:52
Speaker 2: the body is constantly talking to us. And that's why
17:55
Speaker 2: in the beginning, what I do with my clients is
17:58
Speaker 2: we're just building capacity to be here in this moment.
18:01
Speaker 2: And what do you notice. We're typically we're stuck in
18:06
Speaker 2: high activation and we're feeling way too much and we
18:08
Speaker 2: can't sit still, so we're gonna learn how to do
18:10
Speaker 2: that and bring that activation down. Or we're down here
18:13
Speaker 2: and I don't feel anything. But when we start getting
18:16
Speaker 2: curious with compassion and being with these sensations, we get
18:20
Speaker 2: more information. And so if I was to just think
18:24
Speaker 2: my way to safety, not include the body and just
18:27
Speaker 2: use the mind, that's actually a trauma response. That's called intellectualization, right.
18:32
Speaker 2: That's saying I can think my way to safety, I
18:34
Speaker 2: can think my way out of that. I'm gonna get
18:36
Speaker 2: doctor Google, I'm gonna get chat, GPT, and we're gonna
18:39
Speaker 2: figure this shit out. And that's just keeping us in
18:42
Speaker 2: the loop. That is keeping us living in our head
18:45
Speaker 2: avoiding what's going on in our body. Because if I
18:48
Speaker 2: slow down, I feel what's going on my body, I'm
18:50
Speaker 2: gonna feel the things I've been avoiding eventually, anger, sadness,
18:55
Speaker 2: maybe even joy. We even have to titrate feeling joy
18:58
Speaker 2: as we go through this work. And so with this work,
19:02
Speaker 2: we healed through connection. We heal through being connected in
19:05
Speaker 2: our body and in our mind, with our beliefs, with
19:08
Speaker 2: our sensations, and that way it's all flowing together. And
19:11
Speaker 2: when I'm working with someone, it's like a roller coaster
19:13
Speaker 2: ride throughout the entire session. And it's so cool because
19:18
Speaker 2: I don't have to. Like when I was a health coach,
19:23
Speaker 2: I was always trying to create outcomes, I'm not trying to.
19:26
Speaker 2: I feel like crap if I try to get someone
19:29
Speaker 2: somewhere or create an outcome for them. Now, I'm putting
19:32
Speaker 2: force and pressure on their system, and my system feels it.
19:37
Speaker 2: My instrument that I have what I work with in
19:40
Speaker 2: these sessions is my nervous system, and it's telling me
19:43
Speaker 2: through sensations. Ask that question, get curious about that, ask
19:48
Speaker 2: them to pause. Like right now, as I'm even hitting
19:52
Speaker 2: different things that I want to say in the talk,
19:55
Speaker 2: I'm getting that's a good one. That's a good one.
19:57
Speaker 2: That's my body communicating with me. So we can stop
20:03
Speaker 2: trying to think our way there and we can just
20:06
Speaker 2: be here in the moment and meet the moment. There's
20:10
Speaker 2: so much information going on here in the moment. But
20:13
Speaker 2: if i'm that, I can watch your breath, I can
20:16
Speaker 2: see that smile on your face, I can see that
20:18
Speaker 2: you know, that relaxing of the shoulders. But if I'm
20:21
Speaker 2: trying to do it right over here, you know, it's
20:24
Speaker 2: like it's like this mental masturbation or exhaustion that happens
20:29
Speaker 2: where I'm just trying to figure it out and it's
20:32
Speaker 2: it's so hard, and maybe I get off a session
20:35
Speaker 2: or off a podcast and I'm freaking drained because I'm
20:38
Speaker 2: performing and I'm not being authentic and I'm not trusting
20:42
Speaker 2: the moment. So can I learn to be here in
20:46
Speaker 2: my body, using my senses, use my awareness, and let
20:49
Speaker 2: the moment inform me and trust myself that the next
20:53
Speaker 2: thing that comes I got And that's real safety. And
20:57
Speaker 2: when we have safety, are symptoms relaxed because they don't
21:00
Speaker 2: have to get our attention anymore. Now we're responding. Now
21:03
Speaker 2: we're in our body and we feel like ourselves.
21:07
Speaker 1: Absolutely in that way when you use your body to heal,
21:10
Speaker 1: when something gets off or feels off, you can feel
21:15
Speaker 1: it right away. Something is not right. Let me, you know,
21:18
Speaker 1: go to the doctor, let me check this, or not
21:21
Speaker 1: eat that, or not be in the room with this
21:23
Speaker 1: person for a long long time, or you know, I
21:26
Speaker 1: might not want to be in the meeting with Sarah
21:28
Speaker 1: today because Sarah makes me feel like I want to scream.
21:32
Speaker 2: And look, I'm glad that.
21:33
Speaker 1: You said that people cannot make you feel a certain way.
21:36
Speaker 1: It's the environment or the trauma behind it. Yeah, I
21:41
Speaker 1: had to learn that because I always I didn't think
21:44
Speaker 1: I was a people pleaser, because I've always been someone
21:48
Speaker 1: of a leader, and people flocked to me in that way,
21:51
Speaker 1: but because I didn't know how to say no when
21:53
Speaker 1: they needed me to listen, and when I needed them
21:58
Speaker 1: to listen, they were not there. Healing for me meant
22:03
Speaker 1: letting go of everybody else's pain and deal with what
22:07
Speaker 1: was going on with Wikiki.
22:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a lot to carry, and that comes from
22:12
Speaker 2: conditioning that says, you know, if I'm going to be loved,
22:18
Speaker 2: then I got to do for other people. I got
22:19
Speaker 2: to carry their weight. I got to keep the peace.
22:21
Speaker 2: I got to be perfect. And we think that these
22:25
Speaker 2: we think that's we make an identity out of it
22:28
Speaker 2: because we learned that's how we get love and attention.
22:30
Speaker 2: And it's like, oh, mom and dad or teacher or coach,
22:33
Speaker 2: whatever it is, partner loves when I am this part
22:36
Speaker 2: of me. And so I'm gonna reject. What happens though,
22:39
Speaker 2: is I'm going to reject, suppress, not allow, push out
22:43
Speaker 2: these other parts of me that are more authentic, that
22:45
Speaker 2: are the real me and I'm gonna I'm gonna go
22:48
Speaker 2: with these survival responses that I think helped me with
22:52
Speaker 2: connection because I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of
22:56
Speaker 2: being wrong or being punished or being bad. And what's
23:00
Speaker 2: crazy about this is we take the conditioning or the
23:05
Speaker 2: way that we learned the environment, what it taught us,
23:08
Speaker 2: that what we needed to stay in connection. We cannot
23:11
Speaker 2: see our environment as failing as kids, right because that
23:15
Speaker 2: would be too much for a child. And so we
23:17
Speaker 2: say I'm bad, I'm wrong, you know. And so I'm
23:21
Speaker 2: going to take on these parts that help me stay
23:24
Speaker 2: in connection while avoiding the parts of me. And that's
23:27
Speaker 2: where all the symptoms come from. So I'm not being authentic.
23:30
Speaker 2: I'm performing, and I think I'm doing the right thing.
23:33
Speaker 2: But then i hit thirty forty years old and I'm exhausted,
23:37
Speaker 2: I'm burnout, I'm anxious, and i don't know what's going on. Well,
23:40
Speaker 2: that's the body saying, Hey, this isn't you, this isn't
23:44
Speaker 2: your life. These are conditioning and patterns that you've learned
23:48
Speaker 2: to stay in connection, and that shit ain't working anymore.
23:51
Speaker 2: And so that's where we start to slow down and
23:54
Speaker 2: we start to notice. Man, I really like hanging out
23:56
Speaker 2: with Kiki. She's awesome. She gives me this feeling. But
23:59
Speaker 2: what I'm around these other people, I hate him. You
24:02
Speaker 2: know what, I'm gonna start setting boundaries. I'm gonna start
24:05
Speaker 2: speaking up. I'm gonna start communicating more. And that's gonna
24:09
Speaker 2: feel really uncomfortable, you know. And that's the way. But
24:12
Speaker 2: eventually we're rock solid in us. We're authentic. We don't
24:17
Speaker 2: have to perform, and damn, life is way more relaxing
24:20
Speaker 2: and way more easeful. And here comes your sleep, and
24:23
Speaker 2: here comes the flow throughout the day, and here comes
24:26
Speaker 2: my digestion. And you know, I'm kicking butt now and
24:29
Speaker 2: it's just me showing up and being me. And I
24:31
Speaker 2: think the more we can be ourselves and be authentic
24:33
Speaker 2: and give ourselves permission to express ourselves like we want to,
24:37
Speaker 2: we will be a better place. Absolutely.
24:40
Speaker 1: That's bars why that If you didn't hear what he
24:46
Speaker 1: just said, show up as your most authentic self every
24:50
Speaker 1: day on purpose, you might lose some people and along
24:54
Speaker 1: the way, but guess what, everybody has a season in
24:57
Speaker 1: your life. Not everybody is meant to go the whole time.
25:00
Speaker 1: And it's okay, setting boundaries, it's for a reason. It
25:04
Speaker 1: makes it helps protect yourself. It makes people understand that
25:10
Speaker 1: you take yourself serious enough that you're not gonna deal
25:13
Speaker 1: with the bullshit that they got going on. Because everybody
25:16
Speaker 1: got something that they have going on. Life is life,
25:18
Speaker 1: and we all got something going on. But if you
25:22
Speaker 1: have more people that's asking to be poured into than
25:26
Speaker 1: they're what they're helping you refeel yourself, it is time
25:29
Speaker 1: to take some evaluation on those relationships. Yeah, we love
25:34
Speaker 1: those people, but sometimes you have to love yourself more.
25:37
Speaker 1: And love yourself is not selfish, absolutely necessary and absolutely
25:43
Speaker 1: something that needs to be done more, I believe.
25:45
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah. I mean in this journey, you certainly
25:49
Speaker 2: have lost friends and family members and that's to protect
25:54
Speaker 2: me and so that hey, I can love you from
25:57
Speaker 2: here and I need this amount of space so that
26:00
Speaker 2: I can recharge. And the way that you start kind
26:03
Speaker 2: of noticing that is it's after the fact in the beginning,
26:07
Speaker 2: and it's leaving an interaction and feeling exhausted or feeling
26:11
Speaker 2: anxiety or anger come up and go on what is this?
26:14
Speaker 2: And that's just your body saying, hey, this isn't the
26:17
Speaker 2: environment for you. And when we slow down, you know what,
26:20
Speaker 2: she said that thing, and I just smiled through my
26:22
Speaker 2: teeth and acted like it was cool. And that feels
26:26
Speaker 2: like crap. And so slowly, but surely we start to
26:29
Speaker 2: see ourselves doing it in the moment, and eventually we
26:32
Speaker 2: learn to go, hey, no, this isn't for me. Give
26:34
Speaker 2: me a break, let me walk away, give me some space.
26:37
Speaker 2: I want to hang with you. I don't want to
26:39
Speaker 2: hang with you. And our body again, our nervous system
26:42
Speaker 2: becomes the compass, and when we can respond to that,
26:44
Speaker 2: we feel a whole lot better. Absolutely.
26:48
Speaker 1: So, if someone is listening that feels constantly overwhelmed, anxious,
26:53
Speaker 1: and exhausted, what are the first three steps they should
26:58
Speaker 1: take to startulating their nervous system?
27:03
Speaker 2: In your opinion, you know, first three steps. If they're
27:06
Speaker 2: feeling overwhelmed, there's a lot going on, I would just
27:11
Speaker 2: I would just pause, right, and and it's it's just
27:15
Speaker 2: it's this work is so difficult of where to start
27:18
Speaker 2: and to give three tips because everything's so individual. So
27:21
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna give some some general If somebody's overwhelmed,
27:26
Speaker 2: I would ask them, you know, where do you feel
27:28
Speaker 2: that in your body? You know, can't. Is that is
27:33
Speaker 2: that tightness in your chest? Is it a pain in
27:35
Speaker 2: your arm? Is it you know? Is it your gut
27:39
Speaker 2: acting up? And can I just put my hand on
27:41
Speaker 2: that and just start to talk to that part of
27:44
Speaker 2: me because it's it's we think that these symptoms are
27:48
Speaker 2: our entire experience and it's really a part that didn't
27:51
Speaker 2: get heard that we said, you know, you're not good
27:54
Speaker 2: enough or you're too much, and they're expressing themselves through
27:57
Speaker 2: symptoms and something has triggered that, and so can and
28:00
Speaker 2: I pause and just feel that area of my body
28:05
Speaker 2: and sit with it for thirty seconds, maybe it's ten seconds,
28:09
Speaker 2: and just see what happens next. And that's how we
28:12
Speaker 2: and what happens is eventually we get more information. Now
28:15
Speaker 2: someone may also say I don't feel anything. I don't
28:18
Speaker 2: know what you're talking about, And so I would say, okay,
28:22
Speaker 2: can you feel your button your chair? Like right now,
28:26
Speaker 2: can you fill your button your chair? Kiki? Yeah, yeah,
28:29
Speaker 2: And then let's just take a moment to look away
28:30
Speaker 2: from the screen and check out the environment we're in.
28:34
Speaker 2: So this is called orienting. We're using our eyes just
28:38
Speaker 2: very slowly with turning our head just a tiny bit
28:42
Speaker 2: and we're just checking out what's here and see if
28:45
Speaker 2: you can find something in the room that you like,
28:49
Speaker 2: and when you got it, let me know, I get it. Okay,
28:53
Speaker 2: So notice what that is? Do you mind sharing what
28:56
Speaker 2: it is?
28:57
Speaker 1: Yeah? It's the picture that my daughter may with her
29:01
Speaker 1: little footprint and her brother's little footprint that they gave
29:05
Speaker 1: me for Mother's Day one year and I have on
29:08
Speaker 1: my desk.
29:08
Speaker 2: So yeah, So staying connected to your seat and keeping
29:13
Speaker 2: your eyes fixed on that picture, what do you notice
29:17
Speaker 2: in your body?
29:18
Speaker 1: Joy?
29:20
Speaker 2: Yeah? And I can see it. I can see it
29:21
Speaker 2: with a smile on your face.
29:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
29:23
Speaker 2: Right, And so let's now let's scan the room and
29:27
Speaker 2: let's find something else that expands that feeling of joy.
29:32
Speaker 2: Let me know when you got it. I got it, okay.
29:36
Speaker 2: So how do you know that that expanded the feeling
29:39
Speaker 2: of joy? What did you notice in your body?
29:41
Speaker 1: I immediately smile when I saw it.
29:43
Speaker 2: There you go. Yeah, So that's that's our body communicates
29:47
Speaker 2: very subtly. It's not urgent. It's kind of this like
29:51
Speaker 2: expansive feeling for me. You may notice a deep breath,
29:55
Speaker 2: you may yawn, you know, it's it's not this urgent.
30:00
Speaker 2: I need to go check Google. I need to go
30:03
Speaker 2: run to the supplement cabinet. Like those are urgent, those
30:05
Speaker 2: are loud that those are things that we've responded to
30:09
Speaker 2: over and over again, so that pathway is strong. But
30:12
Speaker 2: when we come back to the body and we regulate,
30:16
Speaker 2: we're using our senses of feel, taste, smell, seeing that
30:21
Speaker 2: that brings us back into our body. We can start
30:24
Speaker 2: to notice this this intuitive approach to what feels good,
30:28
Speaker 2: and eventually we learn follow your impulse. And that'd be
30:31
Speaker 2: the next one I'd introduced, follow your impulses. What do
30:34
Speaker 2: you want to do, not what do you have to do?
30:37
Speaker 2: What do you think you got to do so that
30:39
Speaker 2: this doesn't happen. That's that's more catastrophic thinking. You know,
30:44
Speaker 2: it's like, I'm afraid this is gonna happen, And so
30:47
Speaker 2: we we switch from this is going to happen, we're
30:52
Speaker 2: in the future. We switch to even if the worst
30:55
Speaker 2: thing happens, I'm going to be here with myself and
30:58
Speaker 2: I'm going to learn to follow my pulse as to
31:01
Speaker 2: what do I want to do what feels good to me.
31:03
Speaker 2: That's going from doing all the things right and perfect
31:07
Speaker 2: to be me and the funny place that we start
31:11
Speaker 2: with this follow Your impulse is drinking water when we're thirsty,
31:15
Speaker 2: eating food when we're hungry, going to the bathroom when
31:18
Speaker 2: we need to right, responding to bodily impulses that say, hey,
31:23
Speaker 2: it's safe to listen to your body. And when you
31:27
Speaker 2: do that, more happens. More happens. You may notice that
31:31
Speaker 2: person that you don't want to be around, that environment
31:33
Speaker 2: that doesn't feel good anymore. The things that you used
31:36
Speaker 2: to enjoy that you thought were you don't work anymore.
31:40
Speaker 2: The things that we use to regulate in the past.
31:43
Speaker 2: Like people will ask me about medication a lot, I'm
31:46
Speaker 2: not here to demonize medication. I've been on medication in
31:48
Speaker 2: the past myself, and I find that every time it's
31:52
Speaker 2: just an impulse thing. We don't have to force it,
31:54
Speaker 2: we don't have to taper, we don't have to try
31:56
Speaker 2: to get off of it. When we regulate enough, we
31:59
Speaker 2: know longer longer you need it, and you just go
32:02
Speaker 2: I don't, I don't need it anymore. That can be
32:04
Speaker 2: a relationship, It could be a way of working out.
32:07
Speaker 2: It can be a food, It can be you know,
32:09
Speaker 2: different people, the work environment. Our body will tell us
32:14
Speaker 2: when we're willing to learn, listen, and when we send
32:17
Speaker 2: that signal of I'm listening to you and I'm going
32:20
Speaker 2: to give you what you need, the nervous system just
32:22
Speaker 2: gives us more and more information. That's what all this
32:25
Speaker 2: work is is just awareness.
32:26
Speaker 1: Absolutely. So we're about to move into our mindset moment
32:30
Speaker 1: to have a question, what is one mindset shift that
32:34
Speaker 1: changed the trajectory of your life?
32:37
Speaker 2: You know? I think I had a podcast rooted Conversations,
32:42
Speaker 2: and I had a girl on and we were talking
32:44
Speaker 2: about nervous system sensitization when we are flooded with adrenaline
32:50
Speaker 2: and anxiety and everything becomes a threat. And she said,
32:55
Speaker 2: you know what keeps us stuck in a sensitized nervous
32:58
Speaker 2: session system. I'm like what? And she said, trying to
33:02
Speaker 2: fix it and trying to figure it out. And my
33:04
Speaker 2: jaw like dropped on the floor. Because I was someone
33:06
Speaker 2: who prided myself on teaching people what to do, how
33:10
Speaker 2: to fix things. I really tried to figure things out
33:14
Speaker 2: and it was my I thought I was a fixer.
33:16
Speaker 2: I thought that's the one of my God given abilities.
33:19
Speaker 2: And it was a trauma response, you know, having a
33:22
Speaker 2: supplement for every sensation in our body. Knowing how to
33:27
Speaker 2: do biohacking was a big one for me. So if
33:30
Speaker 2: I woke up in the morning and I was tired, well,
33:32
Speaker 2: that meant that I was being a lazy piece of
33:33
Speaker 2: shit and I needed to go hit the gym really
33:35
Speaker 2: hard and I would probably you know, avoid breakfast and
33:39
Speaker 2: fast until lunch and you know, hit this hard workout.
33:43
Speaker 2: And what I was doing is creating the environment that
33:47
Speaker 2: I was used to adrenaline nor pronepherin cortisol going through
33:51
Speaker 2: the roof. That's what felt good. That's what my body
33:55
Speaker 2: learned to feel okay in chaos, and that was actually
34:01
Speaker 2: what was fueling all of this dysregulation. It's telling my
34:05
Speaker 2: body that there's a constant threat that I'm broken and
34:08
Speaker 2: I need to be fixed and I can't ever make
34:10
Speaker 2: it go away. And so if you talked to me
34:12
Speaker 2: a couple of years ago, I'd be talking about And
34:16
Speaker 2: I still love biohacking. I love cold plunges, I love
34:19
Speaker 2: getting in the sauna, but I don't think that they're
34:21
Speaker 2: gonna heal me anymore. I don't do that to feel
34:24
Speaker 2: a certain way. If I notice myself doing that, I'm
34:27
Speaker 2: gonna sit with it a little bit.
34:29
Speaker 1: More.
34:29
Speaker 2: Maybe I'll put that off until tomorrow. I don't want
34:32
Speaker 2: to respond to stress or sensations or symptoms with a
34:36
Speaker 2: fix it, because that's telling my nervous system that's bad.
34:40
Speaker 2: If we can stay with that emotion, that sensation, everything's away.
34:44
Speaker 2: It moves through. And when we learned to stay with
34:47
Speaker 2: the body, meet the sensations, the emotions, that we moved
34:51
Speaker 2: through it, and we learned real safety and trust, then
34:54
Speaker 2: we don't have symptoms. So there's nothing to fix. Nobody's broken.
34:58
Speaker 2: But our whole culture says, put a band aid on it,
35:01
Speaker 2: fix it, figure it out, doctor, Google chat, GPT, and
35:05
Speaker 2: it keeps us in the loop, feeding that stress, adding
35:09
Speaker 2: fear to symptoms so that they don't go away and
35:11
Speaker 2: we stay stuck. All right.
35:13
Speaker 1: Follow up question, how can someone listening today begin applying
35:19
Speaker 1: that shift to their own life?
35:21
Speaker 2: So you just watch it. It's all about observation, right,
35:25
Speaker 2: When do you want to fix something? When do you
35:28
Speaker 2: want to figure it out? When do you need to
35:30
Speaker 2: call a friend or google something or research or go
35:34
Speaker 2: down a YouTube rabbit hole? Can you notice that? And
35:36
Speaker 2: what's it feel like in your body? Right? Does it
35:40
Speaker 2: feel like urgent and it's like goinda happen right now
35:43
Speaker 2: or else I'm going to die. That's hypervigilance. Can you
35:47
Speaker 2: watch that? What happens when you don't respond? What I
35:51
Speaker 2: thought was hacking and healing and fixing, or I thought
35:56
Speaker 2: those were positive things. What that was is just control
36:00
Speaker 2: trying to feel safe. I'm gonna I'm in charge it.
36:02
Speaker 2: I'm going to manage the way I feel and so
36:05
Speaker 2: that feels urgent. That feels like that's got to happen
36:08
Speaker 2: right now. And what happens when I sit with it?
36:11
Speaker 2: The sensation may go up, Okay, cool? What happens when
36:15
Speaker 2: I continue to stay with it? So I'm not saying
36:18
Speaker 2: don't these are all compulsive behaviors, right, I thought these
36:22
Speaker 2: were good things. And it's not that we want to
36:24
Speaker 2: stop our compulsive behaviors. These are resources that are allowing
36:27
Speaker 2: us to regulate. But what happens when we take a
36:29
Speaker 2: couple of deep breaths and sit with that a little
36:31
Speaker 2: bit more before we engage with the resource? Whatever that
36:35
Speaker 2: may be? Right. So if someone's learning or going man,
36:41
Speaker 2: I think it's me. I'm a fixer and I'm trying
36:43
Speaker 2: to figure things out all the time. Let's just watch
36:45
Speaker 2: it and see where it's at. Because what I found
36:47
Speaker 2: is the way you do one thing is how you
36:49
Speaker 2: do everything, and it's going to be infused to all
36:52
Speaker 2: of your life. And when we can observe it, we
36:55
Speaker 2: now have choice. When we're in dysregulation, we have force
37:00
Speaker 2: pressure and we don't have a choice. Healing is choice
37:03
Speaker 2: and trust. So can I trust my body? Can I
37:06
Speaker 2: see the choice that I'm making? Can I show myself?
37:11
Speaker 2: We don't learn through forcing either, so we heal through
37:14
Speaker 2: new experiences. But we can't have a new experience if
37:18
Speaker 2: we can't observe it and we're doing the same thing
37:20
Speaker 2: over and over again. It's kind of like Groundhog's Day.
37:23
Speaker 2: But when we can observe it and we can be
37:25
Speaker 2: with it, we can see that there's a choice. We
37:28
Speaker 2: try something new, we got a new outcome, and the
37:31
Speaker 2: brain updates. That's how the brain rewires and learns, and
37:34
Speaker 2: that's how we meet those beliefs and those stories that
37:36
Speaker 2: we're telling ourselves that it has to be this way
37:39
Speaker 2: or that way.
37:40
Speaker 1: All right? So find a question of the day. What
37:43
Speaker 1: is one truth about healing growth our life that people
37:47
Speaker 1: often learn too late.
37:51
Speaker 2: I guess the thing that comes up for me right
37:52
Speaker 2: away is it's got to be perfect. Mmm. You know,
37:58
Speaker 2: perfection is definitely a pattern of mine and man perfection
38:03
Speaker 2: is just exhausting. And when we bring that pattern into
38:07
Speaker 2: healing being human, you know, it's messy. And when we
38:12
Speaker 2: try to force perfection on ourselves, there's a lot of pressure,
38:19
Speaker 2: you know. And I learned that we actually actually learned
38:22
Speaker 2: through failing that failing is a good thing. And I
38:26
Speaker 2: was so afraid to fail because I was rewarded for
38:29
Speaker 2: being an athlete and sticking the landing right out the gates.
38:33
Speaker 2: But I don't have the opportunity to learn all the
38:37
Speaker 2: nuance of the mechanics and how to how to do
38:43
Speaker 2: a movement. You know, I was just more performing and
38:45
Speaker 2: so how do you repeat that over and over and
38:48
Speaker 2: over again? And when you're not doing that with awareness,
38:51
Speaker 2: that's how we get injury and break down. And so
38:54
Speaker 2: when we bring that pattern into healing and we're trying
38:57
Speaker 2: to be perfect, it's exhausting. I mean that that's looks
39:01
Speaker 2: like a hour and a half long morning routine or
39:05
Speaker 2: having to do the same thing every day, and ultimately
39:08
Speaker 2: we're disconnecting from our body and saying, my mind knows more,
39:13
Speaker 2: and like I've mentioned a couple of times on the podcast.
39:15
Speaker 2: We want both of those to be in relation and
39:19
Speaker 2: connected and online and so let yourself fail, fail, do
39:24
Speaker 2: it messy. So much of this work is accepting and allowing,
39:29
Speaker 2: and that's allowing the parts of us that are not perfect,
39:31
Speaker 2: because trust me, you ain't perfect. Nobody is. If they're
39:35
Speaker 2: telling you they are, then then that's you know, they're lying,
39:40
Speaker 2: and it's exhausting. And the more that we can put
39:43
Speaker 2: that down, accept ourselfs where we're at, except where our
39:46
Speaker 2: body is at, what that feels like, and extend that
39:49
Speaker 2: to other people, you know, it just creates a story
39:54
Speaker 2: that's unattainable and adds so much stress and it's impossible
39:58
Speaker 2: to it just keep so many people stuck, including myself.
40:02
Speaker 1: Absolutely well, Mitch, thank you for being here, Thank you
40:07
Speaker 1: for coming to kick with me. It has been an
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Speaker 1: amazing conversation. Thank you guys for tuning in before we
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Speaker 1: get off today. Did you have any other words of
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Speaker 1: encouragement or motivation to the listeners today? Oh?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I would say if if you're hearing
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Speaker 2: this and it's you know, it got a little part
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Speaker 2: of you that's that's waking up and curious about this work,
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Speaker 2: I would say, do it. Do it today. Our culture
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Speaker 2: tells us it's got to be some big, cathartic, you know,
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Speaker 2: overwhelming and enlightening experience, and that's just not how it is.
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Speaker 2: That's that's how we kind of get our butt kicked,
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Speaker 2: you know. So it's just all about awareness and starting
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Speaker 2: where we are today, accepting allowing ourselves to be who
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Speaker 2: we are and the sensations that we're having to be
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Speaker 2: here now, and little bits at a time, little drops
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Speaker 2: of safety is the way. And there's so much good
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Speaker 2: information out on the internet and YouTube and so many
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Speaker 2: good books, and you know, get a coach, get a book,
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Speaker 2: you know, start watching a YouTube channel, start asking questions
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Speaker 2: and observing yourself and a lot of this stuff can
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Speaker 2: be done at home. And working with people is really
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Speaker 2: good as well, because they can kind of see some
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Speaker 2: patterns that maybe we're not able to as well. But
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Speaker 2: so much can happen when we just start paying attention
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Speaker 2: to our body.
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Speaker 1: You can