Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 623: Why Is My Ex Taking So LONG To Come Back?

Transcript

Episode 623: Why Is My Ex Taking So LONG To Come Back? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
• 0:02
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing helping you
• 0:05
  get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 0:08
  This week I want to talk about why is my ex taking so long to
• 0:13
  come back. In the words of the famous
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  figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, Why?
• 0:22
  Why are they moving in a snail's face?
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  Let's define what long means. Because when you're in no
• 0:31
  contact, one day can feel like a week.
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  Two weeks is not a long time in the world of no contact. 30 days
• 0:39
  is not a long time in the world of no contact, and in fact, even
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  45 days is not a long time. Keep in mind that right now
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  you're literally like a drug addict going through withdrawal.
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  And in fact, the brains of people going through a breakup
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  have been shown to look similar to the brains of people
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  withdrawing from cocaine. I understand you want your hit
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  and you want it now, so let's find out why it's taking so long
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  for you to get your hit. But first, I want to welcome
• 1:11
  back my beautiful no contact army.
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  Thank you so much to everyone who has downloaded my app
• 1:16
  Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
• 1:19
  And if you haven't, the link is below every single video and
• 1:22
  podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:26
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is hit the
• 1:30
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:35
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:39
  can read two free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:42
  OK, so before I start, I just want you to keep one thing in
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  mind, and that is that in many cases this is also difficult for
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  them. They may not have wanted the
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  breakup, but felt like they had no choice.
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  So if it seems like a long time, they're probably not doing it on
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  purpose. And one of the reasons why you
• 2:01
  want to know why things are taking so long is because
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  there's an open loop. And as I talked about in my
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  video titled 7 Reasons Why No contact Works on Everyone, the
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  brain does not like an open loop.
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  What's an open loop? Something that's incomplete.
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  Here's an example, actually, of something that happened to me
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  yesterday. The car in front of me on the
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  freeway had their right turn signal on, but they weren't
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  changing lanes and it was bugging.
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  Well, not me, but my brain, because there's no reason
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  logically why it should be bugging me.
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  But it was an open loop because it was an action that wasn't
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  completed. It was a mystery as to whether
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  he was going to be changing lanes or whether he had the
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  signal on by mistake. So the brain is literally like,
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  pick a lane, right? Like, pick a lane, stay where
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  you are or turn right, but do something with that signal.
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  Turn it off, you know. That's why people ask for a
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  closure. What are they trying to close?
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  They're trying to close an open loop.
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  So same with your ex and hearing from them.
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  When you see that they're posting cryptic quotes or
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  they're sending you bread crumbs, it's like a turn signal
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  and you think they're going to make a move, but they don't.
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  And you're like, pick a lane, right?
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  Either come back or leave me alone.
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  But keep in mind that just as they are a mystery to you
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  because you wonder if and when they're going to reach out, you
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  are also a mystery to them because they most likely thought
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  you were going to reach out to them and they're also wondering
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  if and when you're going to reach out.
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  So this is like a game of chicken.
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  Who is going to break first? I know that you're not going to
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  break if you joined my no contact army.
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  Remember our slogan? We don't react.
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  We do no contact. OK, so the first reason why your
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  ex may be taking so long to contact you is because you made
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  the breakup difficult, and that's because you refused to
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  let go. So they're afraid that if they
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  reach out to you and then they realize that, oops, maybe I
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  don't want to get back together, now they have to deal with you
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  again, making it difficult for them to go away a second time.
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  So you got to let people do what they what they're going to do.
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  That's the mindset you need to have in your friendships and
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  your relationships, and your life will be a lot easier.
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  So if this was you, then it's extra important that you stay in
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  no contact and do not respond to bread crumbs.
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  The second reason is that you're in different stages, so they
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  knew about this breakup before you did, often many weeks or
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  months before. So while you are grieving the
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  loss, they may be in the relief stage and they're experiencing
• 4:56
  what is known as separation elation.
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  They may have been experiencing anxiety before they finally
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  pulled the trigger, so to speak, but now that they did, they're
• 5:07
  relieved and they're looking forward to what's ahead.
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  But as time goes by, things often flip, and there's a quote
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  that says dump her, laugh now, cry later, dumpy, cry now, laugh
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  later. So though you may be crying now,
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  it's very possible that your ex will be crying later, but you're
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  going to have to wait for them to get to that stage.
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  And no, I don't know how long it's going to take.
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  Every breakup has different variables.
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  So first, they have to experience life without you in
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  order to realize that it was better with you in their life.
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  And even when they start to think that they have to decide
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  when to reach out, what to say, whether to text, whether to
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  call, et cetera, et cetera, it's rarely a spur of the moment
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  decision, OK. The third reason why it's taking
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  them so long to get back to you is because it probably took them
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  a while to decide that they wanted to break up with you.
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  So it's going to take a while for them to decide that they
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  want you back in their life. No one's breaking up with you on
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  Monday and getting back with you on Friday, though.
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  That's what everyone wants. Who's been broken up with?
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  They want to be solved quickly, like a mystery movie of the week
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  where it's all wrapped up in a nice package in a short amount
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  of time. That rarely happens.
• 6:27
  Getting an X pack usually takes months, and that's good news for
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  you actually, because it gives you time to work on yourself
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  because I'm assuming if they broke up with you, it's not
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  because you were perfect. Ha ha.
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  And Speaking of time, time is actually on your side and I've
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  done a video on that which I'll put the link in the upper right
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  hand corner onto YouTube. The more time that passes, the
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  more time you'll have to step away from the situation and see
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  things more clearly. So you'll have time to
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  understand where you may have gone wrong and the relationship
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  that led to the breakup and what you can do better next time.
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  If you do get a chance, all right, the next reason why they
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  are taking so long is they want to make sure that they really do
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  want to get back together and they're not just missing you.
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  Once people make a decision, very often they hate to change
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  it, except for those individuals who are constantly changing
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  their minds and driving everyone crazy.
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  But for the rest of us, we like to think that we've taken our
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  time and made a great decision. And when we start to have second
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  thoughts, we don't want to rush and do anything that we're going
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  to regret. So again, it's about time they
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  want to take their time. Doesn't mean they're going to
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  forget about you. Doesn't mean they didn't love
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  you. Doesn't mean they don't miss
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  you. Doesn't mean they're not
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  stalking your social media, even if it looks like they're not.
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  And by the way, if you are finding this video helpful,
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  please be sure to give this a like in order to help the
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  YouTube algorithm. Suggest this to other people so
• 8:00
  that they too can understand why their ex is taking so long to
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  contact them. OK, the next reason is that they
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  think you're mad at them and you're and you're going to
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  reject them. So they're concerned that you
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  won't take their call or respond to their text, and if you do, it
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  will be to tell them off. However, that is not an excuse
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  to break no contact and reach out to make them come back.
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  You just make it easy on them because otherwise you're going
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  to set up a very bad dynamic where they know that if they
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  break up with you, you'll reach out to them and they can come
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  back anytime. And in fact, I was speaking with
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  someone recently who was going through their third breakup with
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  the same person. That's because they let their ex
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  come back incorrectly the first two times, so their ex had no
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  problem breaking up with them. Again.
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  People rarely do something once, and to make sure that does that
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  does not happen to you, check out my video titled 6 questions
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  to ask your ex if they want you back and I'll put that in the
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  upper right hand corner. The next reason is because they
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  have an avoidant attachment style, especially if there are
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  dismissive avoidant. The avoidance tend to come back
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  last, like after everyone else. The ones with the actions of the
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  transfer style, they come back sooner, secure next, and then
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  the avoidance a distant third. I mean why?
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  Because it's in the name avoidant they're trying to
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  avoid. So don't be surprised.
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  And if you're wondering if your ex is was an avoidant, then I
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  suggest you, you know Google traits of an avoidant attachment
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  style. Don't assume that just because
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  you know they didn't want a commitment or they didn't seem
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  that interested that they were an avoidant.
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  That's not what it means. So look at the traits and see
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  how many your ex has. All right, so we have a few more
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  reasons why it's taking so long and you're not going to want to
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  hear this, but it's because they're in a rebound
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  relationship. So obviously it's going to take
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  longer than it normally would if there was no third party
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  involved. But as I've said before, most
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  rebound relationships do not work out, so don't worry.
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  Check out my video on rebounds to find out how to handle it
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  when you're exit dating someone else.
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  And yes, I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner.
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  So don't worry about a rebound, because what are the chances
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  that the person that they meet right after the breakup with you
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  is the person they're going to stay with forever?
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  I would say not very high. So there's only two outcomes.
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  They're either going to get married or at some point they're
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  going to break up, OK? And more likely than not,
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  they're going to break up. But right now they think they
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  can do better. They have the grass's greener
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  syndrome and you have to wait for them to find out that
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  actually, you know what, the grass is not greener.
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  And it looks like they may not be able to do better than you.
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  And that's when they start to rethink their decision.
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  And then the last one, it's actually a combination of
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  several things that I've discussed and that has to do
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  with ego and pride. So people's ego and pride, you
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  know, once they've made a decision, as I've said before,
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  makes them not want to change their minds.
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  But if you stay in no contact and if they feel enough anxiety
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  and if it looks like you're moving on and they have a high
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  interest level, if their interest level goes up, then at
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  some point they're just going to have, they're going to have to
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  put their ego and pride to the side, otherwise they're going to
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  regret it. Some people, they are going to
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  like ego, ego, and pride get it in the way, unfortunately.
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  But most people they are going to reach out.
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  OK, so a quick recap. #1 you made the breakup difficult, #2
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  you're at different stages, #3 it takes time for them to
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  realize they made a mistake. #4 they want to make sure that they
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  really do want to get back together and they're not just
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  missing you. #5, they think you're mad at them and will
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  reject them, and #6 they're an avoidant. #7 they are in a
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  rebound. #8, ego and pride. So just before I end, I actually
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  have a success story of someone who stayed in no contact, OK?
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  And he says I went total. No contact right away.
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  No Instagram, no story views, no calls, no texts avoided.
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  Any place I might see her. We didn't talk to anyone.
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  We both knew about her. Said nothing.
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  Silent like I disappeared off the earth.
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  Yes, I say you have to be like someone who's in witness
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  protection and just disappear. After 40 days and 40 nights, she
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  showed up at my doorstep in tears, sobbing, saying she made
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  a mistake. Isn't that what we all want?
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  Don't we all want someone who breaks up with us to show up at
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  our door crying? I haven't had a guy show up at
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  my door crying, but I once had a guy.
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  After two weeks, he climbed the tree next to my balcony, walked
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  onto my balcony and into my living room.
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  It was a very weird sensation to have someone standing in my
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  living room who did not walk in the front door.
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  And no, we did not get back together.
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  Continuing on, he says. She said she wanted to meet all
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  of my needs and a few weeks later she moved in.
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  Our relationship is awesome. And now she knows I have the
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  ability to walk away and stay away.
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  Absolutely. Being in no contact sucked was
• 13:43
  hard, but I had to show her that I will not break and be weak.
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  That's right, exactly. Congratulations.
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  Good for you. So now I want to hear from you.
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  Do you know of any other reasons that I haven't mentioned why an
• 14:00
  X would take so long to reach out?
• 14:02
  Please comment below. And in the meantime, if you
• 14:05
  would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 14:09
  theartoflove.net and we'll send you the rates.
• 14:11
  The direct link is below every single video and podcast.
• 14:14
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 14:17
  share. If you listen to this as a
• 14:19
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
• 14:23
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.