Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #288| Don't Let Someone Else's Bad Mood Ruin Your Day (It's Not Yours to Carry)

Transcript

#288| Don't Let Someone Else's Bad Mood Ruin Your Day (It's Not Yours to Carry) · Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing

• 0:00
  Michelle Gauthier: When you listen today, you're gonna learn how to not let someone else's bad mood ruin your day.
• 0:10
  Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
• 0:18
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
• 0:23
  Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
• 0:28
  Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
• 0:37
  Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
• 0:38
  Michelle Gauthier: Thanks for joining today.
• 0:39
  Michelle Gauthier: Today we welcome back a fan favorite, MJ Murray Vishan.
• 0:43
  Michelle Gauthier: She is a therapist.
• 0:44
  Michelle Gauthier: And last time she was a guest on this podcast, she talked to us about how to create calm in the wild, how to create calm no matter where you are.
• 0:52
  Michelle Gauthier: When you listen today, you'll learn what it actually looks like and how to stay grounded, even when someone else is in a very bad mood or has very different energy than you are in at that moment.
• 1:02
  Michelle Gauthier: We talk about why emotions are contagious and how to keep someone else's mood from sticking to you.
• 1:08
  Michelle Gauthier: MJ gives us a couple really simple tricks so that you can practice that.
• 1:12
  Michelle Gauthier: Before we jump into this interview with MJ, I want to remind you that I'm teaching a live class.
• 1:17
  Michelle Gauthier: If you're listening to this on Thursday, it's tomorrow.
• 1:19
  Michelle Gauthier: It's September 11th.
• 1:20
  Michelle Gauthier: It's called How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed.
• 1:23
  Michelle Gauthier: If you're exhausted and feeling stretched thin and you're not even sure why, this is for you.
• 1:27
  Michelle Gauthier: It's a one-hour class.
• 1:29
  Michelle Gauthier: It's $17.
• 1:30
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to be teaching it live.
• 1:32
  Michelle Gauthier: I'll be answering all of your questions.
• 1:34
  Michelle Gauthier: The link is in the show notes to register.
• 1:36
  Michelle Gauthier: It is not too late.
• 1:38
  Michelle Gauthier: Come and join us tomorrow.
• 1:39
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, let's jump into our interview with MJ.
• 1:42
  Michelle Gauthier: So, MJ, last time you were on, we talked about creating calm in the wild.
• 1:48
  Michelle Gauthier: For anybody who missed that episode, can you just tell us what that means?
• 1:52
  Michelle Gauthier: How you think about creating calm in the wild?
• 1:55
  MJ Murray Vachon: Sure.
• 1:56
  MJ Murray Vachon: As you mentioned, I have been a therapist for a lot of years, more than 40.
• 2:00
  MJ Murray Vachon: And the typical client who comes in to work with me starts by saying, I don't want to be anxious.
• 2:05
  MJ Murray Vachon: I don't want to be stressed.
• 2:06
  MJ Murray Vachon: I don't want to be overwhelmed.
• 2:07
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I ask them, well, what would you like to be?
• 2:10
  MJ Murray Vachon: And that question often catches them off guard because they are so aware of what they don't want, they haven't given much thought to what they do want.
• 2:17
  MJ Murray Vachon: And they often just say, I want to feel better.
• 2:20
  MJ Murray Vachon: It's kind of hard to feel better because the mind, which is where our anxiety and overwhelm and stress tell us a story, it needs more specific instructions.
• 2:30
  MJ Murray Vachon: And one is calm.
• 2:31
  MJ Murray Vachon: And then I give them the science that they don't believe, but I do feel obligated to give it to them.
• 2:36
  MJ Murray Vachon: And that is their natural resting state is calm.
• 2:40
  MJ Murray Vachon: That they have the capacity to cultivate and to create calm within them.
• 2:45
  MJ Murray Vachon: But that has been layered over with lots of stress and anxiety and overwhelm.
• 2:51
  MJ Murray Vachon: And so the first thing I say is, you know, if you don't want to be anxious, you have to cultivate calm.
• 2:56
  MJ Murray Vachon: The second thing I say is that we live in a culture that tells us that if everybody would just do things our way, we would feel better.
• 3:03
  MJ Murray Vachon: I call it if I can set the chessboard up.
• 3:07
  MJ Murray Vachon: For example, if I'm running late to work, if I can get all green lights, I won't be as stressed.
• 3:12
  MJ Murray Vachon: And even when I say that, I would imagine people listening going like that never happens.
• 3:16
  MJ Murray Vachon: I've been in the same office for 10 years and I've only gotten all green lights once, right?
• 3:21
  MJ Murray Vachon: It just is not probable.
• 3:22
  MJ Murray Vachon: But the point is that calm doesn't happen when life settles down outside of us.
• 3:28
  MJ Murray Vachon: Calm happens because we understand that somewhere inside of us is our natural state of calm and we accept that it is wild out there.
• 3:37
  MJ Murray Vachon: And no matter what we do or want or wish, it is not going to calm down.
• 3:41
  MJ Murray Vachon: And so my Friday episodes are short examples of how to create calm in the wild.
• 3:46
  MJ Murray Vachon: You know, on the first episode, I talked about practicing calm.
• 3:50
  MJ Murray Vachon: This episode, I want to talk about being calm when something outside of you could make you anything but calm.
• 3:57
  Michelle Gauthier: I love it.
• 3:58
  Michelle Gauthier: That's a great topic.
• 4:00
  Michelle Gauthier: One thing I want to reiterate that you said on the last episode that I think is so important is when we're creating calm in the wild, and the example you gave last time was watching your courage coffee machine make the coffee without doing anything else.
• 4:14
  Michelle Gauthier: And it's like, okay, so I can do that.
• 4:16
  Michelle Gauthier: So what?
• 4:17
  Michelle Gauthier: And your point that was so good is when you practice calm and you learn how to cultivate calm, when there's a situation that really is stressful and out of your control, you know how to bring about that calm in yourself.
• 4:30
  Michelle Gauthier: So it's these little practices that will lead to the reaction that you want to have instead of snapping at your kids or losing your patience with your boss, that you can really bring this calm anytime you want.
• 4:42
  Michelle Gauthier: And so I just love that idea.
• 4:44
  Michelle Gauthier: So tell us.
• 4:47
  MJ Murray Vachon: I think coaches and therapists love the word practice, but my clients hate it because it sounds like one more damn thing to do.
• 4:56
  Michelle Gauthier: Right?
• 4:56
  MJ Murray Vachon: Now I gotta do this practice.
• 4:58
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I use the word all the time.
• 5:00
  MJ Murray Vachon: I love the word because I'm a therapist.
• 5:02
  MJ Murray Vachon: But what we're doing in cultivating calm is taking ordinary moments of life, grounding our feet, bringing our mind to the present, and just noticing our breath in the grocery line, when we put gas in the car, when we're brewing our coffee.
• 5:17
  MJ Murray Vachon: And that does cost us a bit on our to-do list, but it's actually about three minutes a day.
• 5:24
  MJ Murray Vachon: I encourage people to do it three times a day.
• 5:27
  MJ Murray Vachon: And so instead of scrolling while you're pumping gas, or instead of emptying the dishwasher when you're making coffee, 80% of the time, you're just calming yourself, and you're just familiarizing yourself with what it feels like to not be so ramped up.
• 5:45
  Michelle Gauthier: Yep, I love that.
• 5:46
  Michelle Gauthier: I love that.
• 5:47
  Michelle Gauthier: So tell us about how we can be that calm in a situation because if you're making your coffee, you're assuming that's kind of calm.
• 5:55
  Michelle Gauthier: What if you're in the wild in a situation that isn't calm and it's out of your control?
• 6:00
  Michelle Gauthier: How can we bring calm to ourselves then?
• 6:02
  MJ Murray Vachon: I used to work with Notre Dame football, and one of the things they do is they practice a ton.
• 6:07
  MJ Murray Vachon: They practice, practice, practice, and then they do a game for an hour or two hours or whatever.
• 6:11
  MJ Murray Vachon: This is kind of the same.
• 6:12
  MJ Murray Vachon: I don't want to overwhelm you and say you have to practice a ton, but if you practice those easy exercises, then your body knows how to be calm when it's put in a more stressful situation.
• 6:23
  MJ Murray Vachon: I actually had one this weekend at the grocery store.
• 6:27
  MJ Murray Vachon: I am an urgent grocery shopper and I'm in recovery.
• 6:31
  MJ Murray Vachon: I have no idea.
• 6:32
  MJ Murray Vachon: I don't need to be an urgent shopper.
• 6:34
  MJ Murray Vachon: I've actually timed it.
• 6:35
  MJ Murray Vachon: It makes a five minute difference.
• 6:36
  MJ Murray Vachon: But I go in the grocery store and everything inside me revs up and speeds up.
• 6:40
  MJ Murray Vachon: So I'm practicing not grocery shopping being revved up.
• 6:44
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I actually do like the grocery shop.
• 6:46
  MJ Murray Vachon: I'm in the tortilla aisle, and somewhere in my little health journey, I learned that corn tortillas were healthier than flour tortillas.
• 6:54
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I have an app on my phone called Yucca, and I was doing nutritional information on these different packages of tortillas.
• 7:01
  MJ Murray Vachon: And the corn tortillas came up as poor.
• 7:04
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I was like, What?
• 7:04
  MJ Murray Vachon: How can they be poor?
• 7:05
  MJ Murray Vachon: These were supposed to be healthy.
• 7:07
  MJ Murray Vachon: So then I just am doing one, two, three, seeing if there's any healthy tortillas.
• 7:12
  MJ Murray Vachon: And this woman comes up and she says, You are blocking the whole aisle, which I was.
• 7:16
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I'm like, Oh, I am so sorry.
• 7:19
  MJ Murray Vachon: I am so sorry.
• 7:20
  MJ Murray Vachon: Let me move my cart.
• 7:21
  MJ Murray Vachon: And then she just starts scolding me.
• 7:24
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I stayed calm and I said, I'm so sorry.
• 7:27
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I don't really remember what she said because it is a little overwhelming to have someone scold you in the grocery store when all you want to do is see if anything when it comes to tortillas is healthy.
• 7:36
  MJ Murray Vachon: And she grabs her tortillas and she says something mean and she marches off.
• 7:40
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I just grounded my feet, took a breath, and I thought, wow, I've been her.
• 7:46
  MJ Murray Vachon: I probably haven't been as mean as her, but basically, she's one of those wound-up, intense women who believes that everyone should be out of her way because she's probably got seven minutes to get tortillas.
• 7:58
  MJ Murray Vachon: And my interrupting her for a minute just wasn't happening.
• 8:02
  MJ Murray Vachon: I finished my grocery shopping.
• 8:03
  MJ Murray Vachon: And when I was walking out to my car, I thought, wow, that experience did not even land on me at all.
• 8:09
  MJ Murray Vachon: I could see how much I'd grown, and I kind of felt sorry for her because one of the really realigning mindsets is none of this is that important.
• 8:18
  Michelle Gauthier: That's awesome.
• 8:18
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, that is a great thought to remember in a moment like that.
• 8:23
  Michelle Gauthier: And I think to be able to experience that and leave and not think about it one more time after you drive out of the parking lot is the goal.
• 8:31
  Michelle Gauthier: She can be upset, and you don't have to be upset.
• 8:34
  Michelle Gauthier: Her franticness doesn't have to get on you, it doesn't have to stick to you.
• 8:38
  Michelle Gauthier: Right.
• 8:39
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah.
• 8:39
  MJ Murray Vachon: Because emotions are contagious.
• 8:41
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:43
  MJ Murray Vachon: So are viruses, and there's ways of not making yourself as vulnerable to them.
• 8:48
  MJ Murray Vachon: And so part of my Friday episodes are to give people insight on how you can practice so you're not catching someone's emotion.
• 8:57
  MJ Murray Vachon: You got to do the front load, which is you got to practice creating calm just so you are familiar with it.
• 9:02
  MJ Murray Vachon: I can guarantee you, 10 years ago, I might have said something snarky back to her.
• 9:06
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I probably would have gone home and told my husband.
• 9:09
  MJ Murray Vachon: And until I had to tape an episode where I thought, oh, that's a good example.
• 9:14
  MJ Murray Vachon: I hadn't even thought about it.
• 9:15
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, it was just gone from your mind.
• 9:18
  Michelle Gauthier: That's interesting you bring up the grocery store because just last week I noticed about myself, I rarely go to the grocery store.
• 9:24
  Michelle Gauthier: I almost always order online, but I went to the physical grocery store and it was on Sunday afternoon.
• 9:29
  Michelle Gauthier: It was Trader Joe's, it was jam-packs, and I just felt sort of frantic in there.
• 9:34
  Michelle Gauthier: And there was a man who was doing the equivalent of checking the tortillas, and he was taking a while, and I couldn't get past him when I realized I had this thought of, I'm actually not in any kind of hurry.
• 9:45
  Michelle Gauthier: I was like, it it works.
• 9:47
  Michelle Gauthier: I have become a person whose default thought is I'm actually not in a hurry.
• 9:52
  Michelle Gauthier: And there was a woman who was behind me and another one who was trying to come from the other direction, and everyone was like giving me these eyes, like, oh my gosh, can this guy get out of the way?
• 10:02
  Michelle Gauthier: And I thought, I can stand here for a minute and just wait.
• 10:05
  Michelle Gauthier: And I don't want him to feel bad.
• 10:07
  Michelle Gauthier: I want him to get whatever he's getting and then we'll all move on.
• 10:11
  Michelle Gauthier: But I had that same thing, and I love that you described yourself as a frantic grocery shopper because that absolutely would have been me.
• 10:17
  Michelle Gauthier: I mean, I could have set a stopwatch for myself, be like, how fast can I get this done?
• 10:21
  Michelle Gauthier: Is my list optimally organized?
• 10:23
  Michelle Gauthier: Can I be in and out of here as soon as possible?
• 10:26
  Michelle Gauthier: I too had a growth moment in the grocery store the other day, and I think that is definitely the result of many, many calm practices over the past many years.
• 10:36
  Michelle Gauthier: I don't think it takes that long to see results, but it's become more the baseline to your point.
• 10:40
  Michelle Gauthier: Right.
• 10:41
  MJ Murray Vachon: I think most people can see a difference in two or three weeks.
• 10:44
  MJ Murray Vachon: Yeah.
• 10:45
  MJ Murray Vachon: The hardest part is to remember to do it.
• 10:47
  MJ Murray Vachon: I'm a big fan of post-it where I ask people to pick three things where they're going to just practice bringing their mind to the present, grounding, and following their breath while they're doing something else, but to put a post-it note because it's not a fair thing to expect us to remember it.
• 11:02
  MJ Murray Vachon: And we use post-it notes all the time for stuff.
• 11:04
  MJ Murray Vachon: One of my groundings is before I drive, I turn my car on.
• 11:07
  MJ Murray Vachon: I just sit there, put my hands on the wheel, take 20 or 30 seconds.
• 11:11
  MJ Murray Vachon: And I had that tape to my car that just said calm, probably for four or five years.
• 11:16
  Michelle Gauthier: Oh, that's awesome.
• 11:16
  Michelle Gauthier: That's awesome.
• 11:17
  Michelle Gauthier: Great idea.
• 11:18
  Michelle Gauthier: Well, thank you so much for coming back.
• 11:21
  Michelle Gauthier: And again, I encourage people to listen to Creating Midlife Calm.
• 11:26
  Michelle Gauthier: I think you'll really love what MJ has to say.
• 11:29
  Michelle Gauthier: Thanks so much for being here.
• 11:32
  MJ Murray Vachon: This was great.
• 11:33
  MJ Murray Vachon: Thank you so much.
• 11:33
  MJ Murray Vachon: I love your podcast.
• 11:35
  MJ Murray Vachon: Thank you.
• 11:40
  Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
• 11:43
  Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGothier.com.
• 11:49
  Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.