Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Does Depression Go Away When You Get Remarried To A More Supportive Spouse?

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Does Depression Go Away When You Get Remarried To A More Supportive Spouse? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about a question
• 0:10
  from the Facebook group, and you should definitely join the
• 0:13
  Facebook group or almost 300 people in there.
• 0:16
  You just go to my main Facebook page and click on the blue
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  subscribe button. It's four ninety-nine a month
• 0:21
  which is less than the podcast subscription which of course you
• 0:24
  should also do if you want to get the most recent episodes,
• 0:27
  including is it all about the orgasm and there's probably some
• 0:31
  new info in there for you about how men versus women.
• 0:35
  And think about the orgasm insects as well as, you know,
• 0:40
  the relative priority and role of the orgasm insects, all
• 0:45
  right. So you should be joining both of
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  those things or rather joining one and subscribing to the
• 0:49
  other. But either way, the Facebook
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  group member asked, do I think that, you know, depression will
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  resolve or that you know, her depression will get better if
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  she were to divorce and remarry because the current marriage is
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  Happy. Now, you know, it's an
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  interesting question. Obviously the short answer is,
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  unfortunately, what do I always say?
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  There's no free lunch. You, you know, depression is
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  multi layered and complex. It has genetic and environmental
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  components, and the environment we're talking about.
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  Yes, it includes the current environment but mostly it means
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  the environment in which you were raised, you know?
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  So if you're depressed a depressed person, now it's most
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  likely that you have a medic, you know, Legacy for depression
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  on one or both sides as well as were raised by that parent who
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  struggled with depression themselves and therefore, had a
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  more negativistic lens and a depressive style, more felt like
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  life was joyless, people are out to get them, they deserve.
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  They don't deserve to be happy and taught you that same kind of
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  thing. So there's that cognitive
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  component, but then there's an also super important genetic
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  component. That's very And particularly in
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  women. Depression has a huge biological
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  and hormonal component, you know, and it varies over the
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  course of the cycle as well. Women with pmdd for example
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  premenstrual, dysphoric disorder are like different people the
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  week or two before their period. Lea, they're struggling with
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  massive, depression, Rage or inability, Etc.
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  So the thing is, what usually happens is that people who are
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  depressive you know, pick relationships that are not
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  great. In the first place honestly
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  because they have a negative way of viewing things.
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  Then confirmation bias would lead them to pick a partner who
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  kind of doesn't make them feel that good, because that's how
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  they think about the world is I don't really deserve to be that
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  happy. Nothing really works out.
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  So I'll kind of be with this person that doesn't really make
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  me happy because I don't end up happy.
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  That's like my life story. That's my trajectory.
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  That's where I grew up thinking, of course.
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  None of this is articulated, this is subconscious stuff.
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  So they there in the unhappy marriage.
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  And they think well, kind of forgetting, you know, that they
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  were always really struggling with depression or maybe they
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  didn't see it as depression at the time, but you know, they've
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  never been a super chipper person, you know.
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  And so then they start to think. Well, the the marriage is bad.
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  So that's that's situational. They have situational
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  depression. There's everybody loves to have
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  that because of course, it sounds like it would go away
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  very easily situational depression.
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  I don't see that much, you know, because You know, people who are
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  not do, not tend toward depression, don't really, you
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  know, get that depress you, no matter what situation it is.
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  Sure if they lose somebody, they grieve but they don't end up
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  with depression and up with grief.
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  If they have a trauma, you know, they can get people that are.
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  But basically the thing is is if you don't struggle with
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  depression, it's easier for you to roll with life stressors.
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  Where if you were as if you do, you know, struggle with
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  depression and life stressors can be very difficult.
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  Roll with. And then you'll always feel kind
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  of you know, just hurt by everything that happens and
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  rejection sensitive. And it'll just be kind of worse,
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  you know, everything will feel worse, every situation will feel
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  like a situation that leads to situational depression.
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  But anyway, so you end up in this marriage and it's not good.
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  You're unhappy, you're yelling at each other or you're not
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  yelling at each other. Maybe you don't yell, maybe
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  don't even talk whatever the case, maybe start to fantasize,
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  obviously that the The depression is due to this
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  marital dysfunction. Now then let's say you divorce
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  the person, right? And then you remarry and if this
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  is done quick enough or if the dating you find a new partner or
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  whatever. If this is quick enough, then
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  you could go, you know, all the way through the end of the
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  honeymoon stage with the next person.
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  Remember, that's 18 months to 3 years and still think that you
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  were right all along because the depression won't come back.
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  You're in the honeymoon stage, it's real hard to be depressed
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  when you're older. Picked up on adrenaline and new
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  relationship energy. It's like a super big
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  antidepressant quite honestly, right?
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  And so let's say, so let's say you divorce your husband and you
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  know, the 2010 ride and then you you find, so then you're like
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  Ridin High, you know, on adrenaline, you're dating or
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  dating or dating and three years, you know, let's say that
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  you meet as the kind of the new Rush of being single fade, you
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  meet somebody right? So then you Up at the honeymoon
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  stage with them. So, let's say that's 2003.
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  So, then up to 2006, you're a new relationship stage with them
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  and then in 2007, your depression comes back.
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  You know, that's what usually happens.
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  So, I mean that doesn't sound that exciting or that wonderful,
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  but I'm not here to blow smoke up your ass.
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  So if there are people who think that they could get out of a not
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  even really horrible marriage. But just one that isn't
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  wonderful and that it will cure their depression.
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  Yeah, Will temporarily Like like any kind of new exciting
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  phenomenon would like if you got picked to, you know, have a
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  tremendous promotion and moved to Europe, all-expenses-paid
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  with your family, you probably would take you out of some forms
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  of depression as well while you were in that adrenaline rush.
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  But then biologically recurrent depression will recur.
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  So then, am I saying that? If you're a depressive person,
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  then you should just stay miserable in your marriage,
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  obviously, not, you know? And as I said to, Has a huge
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  biological component. It also has a cognitive
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  component and you can end up being a person who struggles
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  with recurrent depression, who is in a happy marriage, you
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  know? And this is possible.
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  So some people, especially men, especially the men that, you
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  know, troll me on the internet. Say no, no women can never be
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  happy with anything, and if a woman is depressed, she could
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  never be happily married, because if she's depressed, then
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  you know, basically by definition, she's going to hate
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  everything, but then I say, does she hate her kids?
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  Usually not, you know, usually she doesn't.
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  So we always have an example of how that would work if the woman
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  is a mother. So if she likes the kid at least
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  some of the time, certainly more than she likes you, right.
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  If you are the man, then this situation, that is saying those
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  things, then you say she can be a woman who is a loving mother
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  but also struggles with depression.
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  She can be somebody in a relationship of some, you know,
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  sort, especially close intimate one such as with a child and she
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  still Till is somebody with depression but within that
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  relationship, she feels fulfilled at least, you know, a
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  large percent of the time. So that's the example that you
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  would just that. That is just so easy to disprove
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  that idea that a person with depression can have no good
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  relationships, of course, they can.
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  Usually they have them with the kids.
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  Now if the depression is massively, severe to the point
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  that they're suicidal there in bed all the time they're in and
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  out of the hospital that no they're not going to have very
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  good relationships with anybody. But the majority of people God
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  are not struggling with depression that is as severe and
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  debilitating as that but rather with somebody who has you know
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  more high-functioning depression who still gets up still does
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  things still has a career still? As women have more frequently
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  atypical depression, their mood lifts in response to positive
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  events you can go back to my podcast on atypical depression
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  to learn more about that. That's just the type of
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  depression that most women have it doesn't really mean a typical
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  So if you are someone who struggles with depression, and
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  I've always stated whenever it comes up, I'm somebody who
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  struggles with recurrent, depression myself.
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  I'm also somebody who divorced my then not depressed.
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  Do I never struggle with depression anymore.
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  Now that I'm remarried happily. Well, of course I do.
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  You know, I obviously that it's passed now.
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  I've been married. What is it now?
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  Three years we've been together five years.
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  So yeah, I mean we are not in the honeymoon stage now.
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  So Like it's not that first burst of the new dating and
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  super with the poly, people call NRI, new relationship, energy
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  honeymoon, stage infatuation stage, limerence stage, any of
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  these things, so it goes more into the deep attachment stage
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  of the relationship. So that's by the way, what
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  happens after the honeymoon stage it in case?
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  I feel like I've talked about this but anyway, in a
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  relationship that's struggling. Then you go there, there's
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  certain stages. So there's a honeymoon stage.
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  Age disillusionment and then there's the acceptance.
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  Now, that's an all relationships, but the
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  disillusionment for more happy relationship can just be kind of
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  like, oh, the person isn't perfect right there.
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  Not a perfect person after all, you know, but for very unhappy
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  relationship will be like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm with
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  this person, they're horrible. So, that's kind of where I'm at
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  when I see couples and couples counseling is, they are always
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  in the disillusionment stage. They would Need me.
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  If they weren't either of the other stages certainly not in
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  the honeymoon stage and not in the acceptance stage and the
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  acceptance stage in an unhappy relationship, can be like our
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  resignation, you know, but in a happy relationship can be like,
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  oh yes, this is my life partner. They are not a perfect person.
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  Neither am I we are a good fit. We are building a life together,
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  so that's just an aside. I mean, maybe I could do more
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  podcasts or something about that, but there's not really
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  much more to say on it. But anyway, so after that heady
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  new love. Initial burst of, you know, the
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  first 18 months to 3 years of being together.
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  Yeah. Like you still and even in that
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  stage, of course you could still struggle with depression.
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  It's like you you won't usually won't be as bad.
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  You know, when the actual new love honeymoon stage, people's
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  depressive episodes are not as bad but they can still have
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  them. Certainly especially the
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  physical ones, like the physical symptoms, like fatigue
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  overeating. Oversleeping let in paralysis,
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  which means when you just kind of sit there, you can have those
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  a lot more than you're going to have cognitive symptoms.
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  Such as feelings of worthlessness, feelings of guilt
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  perseverating on everything. You've done wrong feeling like
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  the world is a bad place. When you're in the honeymoon
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  stage, a kind of prevents you from having those feelings at
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  all, you know, those those cognitive feelings.
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  You're not going to have any cognitive symptoms, but
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  depression is an illness is very physical.
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  So yes, like a Ali, as it gets to be the winter if you're
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  seasonally impacted, or as it's in the second half of your cycle
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  or the week before your period, depending on how your PMS, PMS
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  is less than pmdd just premenstrual syndrome.
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  That's the one most people have heard of, you know, depending on
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  how it manifests, you're still going to have that stuff, even
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  if you're in the honeymoon stage.
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  And then after that new relationship energy.
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  Very, you know, Hedy giddy, beginning wears off, then
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  certainly, you will be somebody again who struggles with these
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  biological symptoms. I'm certainly not saying that
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  people can't be treated for depression.
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  Of course they can, you know. And so for some people therapy
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  helps for some people medication helps for some people both help
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  for some people meditation exercise for some people who are
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  tryst treatment-resistant not much helps you know but it waxes
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  and wanes over the course of your life and there's usually a
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  periods that were room. It's either way.
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  Answering the original question will being in a happier,
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  marriage? Mean, you don't get depressed,
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  nope. It will not, however, your
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  relationship can be more, like, one of the relationships that
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  you do not feel as making things worse.
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  And in fact, feel is making things better such as so for
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  women and particular the children feel like something
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  that makes things better so frequently they don't get
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  diagnosed if they have atypical depression because their mood
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  lift so much when the kid does something cute or sweet or gives
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  them a hug Hug and they do smile then and they do feel good then
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  so they think I can't be depressed.
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  I'm happy I'm happy. That moment when my child is
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  with me. I'm happy I guess I guess it
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  must be my husband or something like that right?
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  Or my job or whatever but you could be depressed and have
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  these temporary mood lift. So the relationship is my
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  analogy here would end up being something like that so you end
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  up being somebody with depression who says my marriage
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  is a source of Support to me as a depressed person.
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  Just like my children are something that makes me happy.
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  Despite that I am a depressed person so you can get into that
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  situation in a happier healthier marriage, right?
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  And so that is definitely how I feel about.
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  It personally, is that the marriage is a source of comfort,
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  right? When I am in a depressive
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  episode, but overall a, my is, does it turn a switch in my
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  Brain and make me into somebody who will never struggle with
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  depression. Again, certainly not.
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  And that's an unfair expectation for a person.
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  No person can really cure another person's mental or
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  emotional issues that have been hardwired into them genetically,
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  and environmentally from, you know, decades before they met
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  the spouse at all. So at, and, and it's really the
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  same for anything. So, if you're a woman who
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  struggles with really bad anxiety, will you turn into
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  somebody who has no anxiety, if you marry just the right guy,
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  No, you'll have anxiety. He may feel like a source of
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  comfort and somebody that can make you overall feel less tense
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  sometimes but you will still have the same room and it's of
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  thoughts about the children's safety and whatever it is.
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  That's your thing, will being in the right marriage cure at a
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  sexual abuse history. Certainly not in this, in fact,
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  is the one where in most feels like it will.
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  Because when you're again, what I call drunk on the new Love,
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  adrenaline stage of, you know, the huh?
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  Any moon stage people, even if they have a sexual abuse
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  history, will find themselves more uninhibited as everybody
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  does. So thus, they may feel like with
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  this new person, they finally will not have any impact of the
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  prior sexual abuse and they will, in fact have a healthy sex
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  life. Yeah.
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  Until the sexual, you know, regression comes after the
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  honeymoon stage and they go back to how they felt before, which
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  is very inhibited, very anxious, and the trauma.
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  Are very evident, you know, so an end with with somebody who is
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  better for you, they will be more patient and loving and you
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  could have a better better sex life but they still will not
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  make you into somebody who never experienced any trauma and your
• 15:45
  sex life with them. Will still not be anywhere near.
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  What it could be if you yourself were to work on resolving and
• 15:52
  processing and working through your sexual abuse history on
• 15:56
  your own because that's a debit to you.
• 15:59
  You and your partner can't just make that go away, no matter how
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  great they are, no matter how supportive and loving your
• 16:04
  partner is they can't make you somebody who's not wired a
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  certain way you know. So anyway, I hope that this was
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  useful and I will talk to you guys soon.
• 16:14
  Please. Do join my Facebook group, and
• 16:16
  subscribe to my podcast, and follow me all over everywhere
• 16:20
  and I will talk to you soon. Bye.