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EP:19: Boundaries Change Everything-Especially the Relationships That Need Them Most · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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  If you've ever felt like the relationships that matter most, your kids and your marriage,
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  are also the ones that feel the hardest, my friends, this episode is for you.
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  Because here's the truth, boundaries don't push people away.
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  They actually create the safety that relationships need to grow.
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  If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much, and wondering why peace still feels
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  so hard to hold on to, you're in the right place.
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  Hi, I'm Lori, mom, former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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  Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get clear on
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  what actually matters so that you can build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more
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  satisfying.
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  So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into this next episode.
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  Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms, and I am so glad that you're here.
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  So guys, let's start with our kids, shall we?
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  I think a lot of us, especially moms, believe that loving our kids means protecting them
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  from all discomfort.
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  But guys, real love actually teaches them how to handle life.
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  Because our kids are not responsible for managing everyone else's emotions.
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  They need to feel anger, they need to be able to express that sadness that they're
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  feeling or process some disappointment.
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  And instead, moms, of shutting that down, we have got to come alongside them and help
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  them put words to what they're feeling.
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  We've got to let them talk it out.
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  And I know this feels uncomfortable.
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  I've been in the same shoes that you're in.
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  And we've got to encourage those questions, because let me tell you, when we do that,
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  we're not creating disrespect.
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  We're creating emotional health.
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  So here's another piece of that, that I think really matters here.
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  We have got to model what this looks like, because we know our kids are not just listening
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  to what we say, right?
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  They're watching how we're handling our own emotions.
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  And that means, guys, we've got to take ownership of our feelings.
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  And we don't turn around and blame them.
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  Like this is mom's mad because of you, right?
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  We can't say things like that, or we can't say, you're making me frustrated, or you're
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  stressing me out.
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  Even if that's how we're feeling, that is not how we need to frame how we're dealing
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  with the emotion of it.
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  Instead, we've got to model something different.
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  So we would say instead, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.
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  So I'm going to take a minute, or I'm feeling frustrated, and I need to calm down before
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  I respond.
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  So what that means is we're just using I or me statements.
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  That means we're directing it back at us, instead at them, for them to take the ownership.
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  Because just like we're not responsible for their emotions, they're not responsible for
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  ours either.
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  And when we model that, we're teaching something really powerful.
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  We're teaching them how to own what they feel and not put it on someone else.
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  And guys, I think this matters more than we think it does.
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  Because when there are no clear emotional boundaries, what we end up with are enmeshed
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  relationships.
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  Enmeshed relationships look like it's just a big blob, like there's no end to me, there's
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  no end to you.
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  There's no clear differences between each other.
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  And their emotions start to feel like our own emotions.
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  And our emotions feel like theirs.
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  And there's no real separation.
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  And that might feel like closeness as moms, right?
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  We want to really know what our kids are going through, but it's actually confusion.
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  Because healthy relationships have connection, but they also have separation.
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  There's autonomy, right?
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  And they have clarity and they have ownership.
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  And when we model that for our kids, we're not creating the distance we think we are.
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  We're creating healthy, secure, lasting, good connection.
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  Now, okay, this part is hard, but just hear me out because it's everything.
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  Your child needs, moms, needs to take ownership of themselves.
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  They need to experience consequences and they need to make mistakes, as scary as that
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  is for us, okay?
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  And this is where the idea of safe suffering comes in, okay?
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  We have to allow age appropriate consequences.
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  These are just the natural everyday consequences that happen, okay, in life that we're all
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  experiencing.
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  And we don't want to rush in and rescue them every time something gets uncomfortable, because
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  discomfort is where the growth happens, okay?
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  We are cheating them out of this growth when we rush in.
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  And I want you to picture a baby chick, okay, just in its shell, it's struggling, it's trying
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  to push out, get out of the shell, and it works to get out.
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  But guys, if someone comes along and cracks that shell open too soon, that chick won't
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  survive.
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  Those are our children, okay?
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  We have to see them like that, because the struggle is what builds the strength it needs
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  to live.
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  And that's what we do sometimes as mom, we're gaining them out of the egg too soon.
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  We're breaking it open because we're seeing them struggle and we want to fix it.
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  And I know that's our heart.
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  We mean well, but that struggle, that's the exact thing that's building their resilience,
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  their confidence, their ability to know that they can handle life.
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  And research actually backs this up, okay?
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  When parents step in too much, I know you've heard the term helicopter parenting, okay?
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  Kids are more likely to struggle with anxiety, lower confidence, and poor coping skills later
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  on in life.
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  And one study even found this.
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  Kids who go through some difficulty become more resilient.
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  Kids who go through almost no difficulty struggle more when real life hits.
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  So what's happening here?
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  When we step in and solve the problem for them, they're not just getting our help.
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  They're learning, oh, when I have a problem, someone comes along and handles this, or mom
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  fixes it, or I don't need to think about it.
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  I don't need to try to figure this out.
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  But when we pause and when we guide instead of rescue, they learn something else.
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  They can, they learn I can do hard things and I can figure this out and I can handle
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  this.
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  So you're not just solving a problem.
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  You're either building dependence on you or you're building confidence.
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  So in these moments, pause and ask, how will this play out in my children's future?
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  How is this helping them become the person that they're meant to be?
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  Because again, you're not just dealing with today.
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  You are shaping who they are becoming.
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  And I want to share this from my own life.
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  Look, I didn't grow up with someone swooping in and fixing everything for me.
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  I was the youngest of, I am the youngest of five kids and my mom worked several jobs.
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  She was hardly ever home.
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  And a lot of the time when I wanted to spend time with her or see her, I was with her working.
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  That was our relationship.
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  I was working with her at her job and it was hard.
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  Sometimes we had to clean daycare.
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  Sometimes I was working and helping her with the kids in the daycare.
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  It was physical work.
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  But you know what?
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  It did teach me how to take care of myself earlier because I saw that I could do it.
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  I could do this hard work.
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  And when I got my first car, my name was on the title.
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  So that meant I was responsible for paying for it.
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  And I was responsible for the insurance and the gas.
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  And from that moment and all these moments, honestly, that built in me a type of strong
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  work ethic.
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  And it built this independence and just this confidence, this knowing a belief that I can
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  figure things out.
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  I can handle things.
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  And that has stayed with me my whole life.
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  And I am so grateful for that.
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  And I'm not saying we need to recreate hard childhoods like I had, okay?
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  That's not what I mean.
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  And that's not the goal.
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  But we also don't want to keep removing every hard thing because some of those hard things
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  are exactly what's going to build the strength that they're going to need for later in life.
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  And we even see this in the Bible.
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  In Hebrews 12 to it says, for the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning
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  its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
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  There was something ahead that required endurance now, and that's what we're teaching our kids.
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  So we're going to change it up and we're going to start talking about marriage.
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  So boundaries in marriage are not about controlling your spouse.
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  Let's get that out of the way.
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  That is not what it's for.
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  Boundaries are clearly just defining what you will and you won't participate in.
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  And there are different areas where boundaries show up.
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  It could look like in your words, in your truth that you're sharing, in your physical
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  space or time, emotional distance, other people and consequences.
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  There's also a natural law in relationships.
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  People experience the results of their choices.
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  And we see in Galatians 6-7, do not be deceived.
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  God cannot be mocked.
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  A man reaps what he sows.
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  So that means when we allow natural consequences, again, we're not issuing a consequence, but
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  there are natural consequences, we're not being harsh.
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  We're just aligning with how life actually works.
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  And if your spouse is explosive or say is verbally aggressive, it would look like you
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  removing yourself from the room.
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  I've actually had to do this in my own marriage.
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  My husband can be very loud when he is dealing with something he's upset with at work.
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  And I have just learned over time and I've communicated it to him that when he has these
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  big outbursts, which helps him apparently is what he says, then I remove myself because
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  I can't change that.
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  This is how he chooses to deal with disappointment or frustration.
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  So I just remove myself from the room and I come back when he's done.
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  So another example of this would be maybe your spouse is someone who runs late a lot
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  and it causes you to get to things late.
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  And maybe you've already communicated your expectation that you want to get to things
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  on time and you want your spouse to also help to get there on time.
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  And maybe your spouse isn't listening and that person is still running behind and it's
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  making you late.
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  So you could choose to set a boundary there and say, next time this happens, I'm just
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  going to go ahead and leave and go to my event so I'm not late.
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  And that way you can keep to your boundary and you're not trying to create an expectation
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  that your spouse is not going to fulfill.
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  And that is not punishment.
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  That is a boundary.
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  Okay.
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  And this is important.
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  Boundaries are not demands.
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  They're not you have to change.
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  You need to do this.
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  This is just, this is what I will do.
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  That's what a boundary is.
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  And passive aggressive behavior like silence or resentment, those are not healthy boundaries.
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  Healthy boundaries require you to be clear for you to communicate and for you to have
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  follow through.
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  Okay.
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  So let's make this practical.
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  When we are talking about the boundary of truth, we want to make sure that we are speaking
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  truth and love.
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  In Ephesians 4.25, it says, therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully
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  to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
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  So we don't avoid truth to keep the peace.
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  We speak it clearly and with love.
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  Okay.
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  What about the boundary of physical space?
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  Guys, this is not punishment.
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  This is wisdom.
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  So physical space could just mean that you need to be out of the house for a little while.
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  Maybe you need to be in another room and again, not punishment.
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  This is just using our wisdom.
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  So how about emotional distance?
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  So sometimes that's necessary.
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  So say trust has been broken.
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  You want to give a little emotional distance so that more injuries are not happening until
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  you've had a chance to heal that trust and bring that relationship back together.
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  And healing takes time and time apart matters.
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  And I'll be honest, I didn't always understand this.
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  There was a time in my marriage where I just did not like it when my husband needed time
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  apart and he had hobbies.
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  If he wanted to go do something, it felt like he was rejecting me.
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  And what I didn't understand back then was the value of time apart.
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  Because what I started to see with this was when he had some time to recharge, he came
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  back to me more present and more energized and better in our home and in our family.
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  And that time apart didn't take away from our relationship.
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  It really actually strengthened it.
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  Because two full people make a much, much stronger relationship than two depleted ones.
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  So you might be asking yourself, how do I start applying this?
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  So this is what we're going to do.
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  The next time your child is struggling, I want you to pause and ask, how will this play
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  out in their future?
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  Also ask, who are they becoming?
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  And then I want you to ask yourself, do I need to step in or do I need to step back?
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  Instead of fixing it, try asking, what do you think you should do?
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  This will help them start the critical thinking process.
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  And another thing you can ask them is, what's one way you could handle this?
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  So let's switch gears over to your marriage.
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  I don't want you to try to fix everything at once.
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  I want you just to pick one area and ask, what is one boundary I need to clearly communicate?
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  Once you have communicated this boundary clearly, I want you to have a follow-up plan.
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  If that boundary is not followed, what would the consequence be?
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  And be honest with yourself.
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  Where am I rescuing?
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  Where am I avoiding discomfort?
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  Where am I staying silent instead of being clear?
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  And when it feels uncomfortable, I want you to remind yourself, this is not rejection.
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  This is growth because boundaries are not about pushing people away.
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  They're about raising capable kids and building a healthy marriage and creating relationships
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  that will be healthy and will actually last.
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  Because you're not just managing behavior today, you're shaping who they will become tomorrow.
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  Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
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  If so, would you take 30 seconds and go join our free Facebook page at Healthy Boundaries for Moms?
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  That's where we go deeper, share what's actually working, and support each other in real life.
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  I will also share some great tools and tips to help you along this journey.
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  I have also included a link to sign up for our brand new weekly newsletter in the Facebook group.
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  Don't forget to hit follow and leave a quick review on Apple.
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  It really lets me know that this podcast is helping you.
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  More importantly, it helps more women find this podcast.
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  Now go say no to something that's stealing your peace and say yes to something you actually need.
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  And I'll meet you back here in the next episode.