Latest / The Kink Consultant / Dating Makeover: The Mistakes You Didn’t Know You Were Making with Lana Ricco

Transcript

Dating Makeover: The Mistakes You Didn’t Know You Were Making with Lana Ricco · The Kink Consultant

• 0:08
  It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
• 0:11
  on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
• 0:14
  So close the door, plugging your headphones and let's get down to
• 0:17
  it. Hello and welcome to this week's
• 0:24
  episode of The King Consultant. I am joined by Lana Rico.
• 0:27
  Lana, welcome. I'm so excited to have you on.
• 0:30
  I came across your profile and I know that you've recently
• 0:33
  released your own podcast, Lana Rico, and you have a dating show
• 0:38
  called Dating Makeover. Can you tell me a little bit
• 0:41
  more about all of the different things that you have going on at
• 0:44
  the moment? Because you seem to be doing a
• 0:45
  lot. First of all, I have a date to
• 0:47
  makeover, which I highly encourage everyone to go see
• 0:50
  because it's not just educational but extremely fun.
• 0:53
  Interesting because I have different people come to my
• 0:55
  show, both men, women, gay fans, wherever.
• 0:59
  And they just come with their dating problem and say like
• 1:02
  Lana, what is wrong with dating? And of course, we live in LA
• 1:05
  Orange County area and we probably.
• 1:09
  So it's still a bit challenging, but I just point out that their
• 1:12
  mistakes they're making and give some quick guidance how they can
• 1:15
  fix that and what to do in order to enhance their dating
• 1:19
  experience. So if you haven't watched that,
• 1:21
  please check it out. I think you'll enjoy it.
• 1:23
  Came on the show, right? Would I tell you stories about
• 1:26
  my dating life? Yeah.
• 1:27
  And then you'd be like, OK, here's everything you did wrong.
• 1:29
  Pretty much. In front of an audience of
• 1:31
  people. Yeah, OK.
• 1:35
  That's the thing, I'm not making fun of anyone.
• 1:37
  I'm not like roasting. So it's not it's not like
• 1:40
  clickbaity and try to talk to different people.
• 1:43
  I just try to fix their dating life from their point.
• 1:46
  Because a lot of my clients who don't come to my show, but we
• 1:49
  work one-on-one privately, they're also come with their
• 1:52
  problems and challenges and they all different.
• 1:54
  They have different backgrounds, they like different things.
• 1:57
  There's also people who have different goals in that dating
• 2:00
  and in relationships. What matters is that if I can
• 2:03
  give them, let's say algorithm or strategy, what to do in order
• 2:08
  to get to the desired point in the dating.
• 2:11
  Yes, totally. And then you recently launched
• 2:13
  your own podcast. Yes, a lot of people just ask me
• 2:16
  to share I guess tips or advice on certain things like what
• 2:21
  mistakes people making or like how to videos, for example, why
• 2:26
  like men choose certain women and like for marriage and don't
• 2:31
  choose another like type of women and things like that.
• 2:34
  So I would highly encourage everyone to go and subscribe to
• 2:37
  my channel because there is a lot of good, useful information
• 2:41
  coming up. OK, you sparked my interest with
• 2:44
  the entire idea. How are men choosing who they're
• 2:46
  marrying versus who they're just dating?
• 2:48
  That's a question I want an answer to.
• 2:50
  Well, first of all, we need to understand if that is even want
• 2:54
  to marry because a lot of women try to chase guys who like not
• 2:59
  husband material, who never really will be married or if
• 3:02
  they will marry, they're never gonna stay long in the marriage.
• 3:05
  Another thing, like a lot of guys, they have a certain
• 3:08
  expectations and they looking absolutely they're looking at
• 3:11
  individual, your characteristics, your interests,
• 3:15
  but they also looking at the qualities that are necessary for
• 3:20
  marriage. Can you be a Good Wife or a good
• 3:22
  mother? And majority of men actually
• 3:24
  want kids because that's a reason for the marriage for most
• 3:27
  of them. Because it is interesting that
• 3:29
  men and women actually take marriage differently.
• 3:32
  We oftentimes married for different reasons and that's why
• 3:37
  a lot of conflicts started. When you don't really realize
• 3:40
  that and you don't try to and like work on that, it creates a
• 3:44
  lot of drama, a lot of conflicts and a lot of problems later on
• 3:48
  in the marriage. Like, for example, a lot of
• 3:50
  women, they say they marry for love because they want to be
• 3:53
  loved, they want to be understood, They feel secured.
• 3:56
  And so they use maybe feelings and emotions to enter the
• 4:00
  marriage. And men oftentimes, yeah, of
• 4:03
  course, love and feelings are important to them, but they
• 4:06
  often time wait, can I buy a house with this woman?
• 4:09
  Like, if I have a kids, how much it's all gonna cost?
• 4:12
  Can I afford it? Can we afford it together?
• 4:15
  Things like that. And lots of times women
• 4:17
  subconsciously, I think they do understand that's why women want
• 4:20
  a more wealthier partner. Yeah.
• 4:22
  Because we kind of know that there will be certain problems
• 4:25
  that we will have to solve at some point.
• 4:27
  But men, oftentimes they go into details.
• 4:29
  They think like, OK, What Car we're gonna drive, what real
• 4:32
  estate she has, what real estate I have.
• 4:34
  Like how we're gonna all this much UPS Because I don't know if
• 4:37
  you dated the guys, like who went to the serious point.
• 4:40
  And oftentimes guys even asking women like about their not just
• 4:44
  job, but also about their investments.
• 4:47
  They try to ask just like how well woman is financially
• 4:50
  illiterate, yeah, if she gonna drive them into death because a
• 4:54
  lot of guys afraid of that. When women don't think about it,
• 4:58
  they don't realize that they get offended because they think that
• 5:01
  the guy is kind of like looking down on them and tries to
• 5:04
  diminish them. But what he tries to understand,
• 5:07
  he tries to assess if you would be a Good Wife.
• 5:10
  So do you think marriage minded men are thinking these things?
• 5:14
  Because earlier we talked about how some men want to get married
• 5:17
  and some don't. You have to find one that wants
• 5:18
  to get married. Is it a green flag if they're
• 5:21
  asking these questions because it might mean that they're more
• 5:23
  interested in getting married? This is a good question because
• 5:26
  it could be, but it could be also red flag.
• 5:28
  What is all depends on how they asking.
• 5:31
  For example, Amanda, I can say like, OK, Amanda, what's on your
• 5:34
  401K? OK, let's talk about this.
• 5:36
  Yeah, yeah, this is the red flag.
• 5:38
  OK. But if he's asking hey, Amanda,
• 5:40
  like are you interested in investment?
• 5:42
  Like you, you have any like interesting.
• 5:44
  And if you say yes, like do you have any interesting ideas?
• 5:46
  I heard that, I'll say like nickel or an aluminum was going
• 5:50
  up. Have you heard anything about
• 5:51
  that? Yeah, so that's both ways.
• 5:53
  You can find out if the person really into like investment, if
• 5:57
  they financially they're asking questions about budgeting, stuff
• 6:00
  like that. It's all depends on how the
• 6:02
  person is asking. I recommend to talk about
• 6:04
  finances on the first day. Really.
• 6:07
  Yes, because a lot of people are afraid to scare their partner.
• 6:10
  But you would actually want to scare these people away because
• 6:14
  you would scare those who are very insecure.
• 6:17
  You know what I'm saying? When you are talking about
• 6:19
  finances and your partner has serious intense, you would be
• 6:23
  green flag for them because they see that you know what you want.
• 6:26
  You serious because you want to talk about like serious topics
• 6:30
  and plus if you asking about finances, you're probably good
• 6:33
  at that as well. You know, because if you like
• 6:35
  drown in the debt, finances is the last thing you want to talk.
• 6:38
  About I also think it's we've been taught not to ask about
• 6:41
  finances because it's too personal.
• 6:44
  But then equally I talk about coaching people to date kinky.
• 6:47
  I also recommend they bring it up on a first date because you
• 6:50
  need to know if someone's aligned with you or not, and
• 6:53
  this is the same thing. Financially, you need to
• 6:55
  understand if you're looking for a partner who's aligned.
• 6:57
  However, what if you're looking for someone wealthier?
• 7:00
  Well, this is a little bit different.
• 7:01
  First of all, how wealthier there?
• 7:03
  It's a little bit different because you have to look at
• 7:06
  certain places and you have to have like certain lifestyle or
• 7:09
  at least try to mimic certain lifestyle.
• 7:12
  You know what I'm saying? So for example, if you are
• 7:15
  sharing a room with like A5 girlies and you want to marry
• 7:18
  like a billionaire, still possible, but you have to do a
• 7:22
  lot of work in order to get there.
• 7:24
  If you're a woman who has her own place and who has her own
• 7:27
  life together and who wants to meet the guy who makes two eggs,
• 7:31
  like 5 eggs, 10 eggs even more, it's not really that difficult.
• 7:35
  You just need to first of all change your behavior, change
• 7:39
  things you say on the first date.
• 7:41
  Go at the certain places and don't meet people at the bars
• 7:45
  and restaurants or nightclubs. It's the worst place to meet
• 7:48
  someone. I want to talk about mistakes.
• 7:50
  It's really interesting. I'm excited because we're both
• 7:53
  dating coaches, but in very different spaces.
• 7:56
  Yeah, working with people who have different goals.
• 7:58
  But I think that there's so much that you talk about that is
• 8:01
  universal. I don't think it's really
• 8:03
  helpful to meet in meet randomly in bars, either bars or clubs,
• 8:07
  right? Yeah.
• 8:08
  Unless it's a very specialized club where you're around people
• 8:11
  who share a common interest. That might make it a little bit
• 8:14
  easier. Where do you think people should
• 8:16
  be going to meet people then? Well, first of all, let me tell
• 8:19
  you that there is no perfect spot where there is a room full
• 8:23
  of billionaires, single billionaires waiting for you.
• 8:26
  OK, I wish it would be There is nothing.
• 8:28
  So please doesn't really matter that much because you can meet a
• 8:31
  really wealthy person, a good partner even in the coffee shop,
• 8:36
  on the beach, on the street, wherever.
• 8:38
  But I would highly recommend people to go to places where you
• 8:42
  can know how to put it like please your interest.
• 8:45
  For example, if you have a hobby or interest in something, go
• 8:48
  there. And if we're talking about
• 8:50
  really wealthy people we want to meet, sounds like a Golf Club,
• 8:54
  Yacht Club, if you have in your area and people say, Oh my God,
• 8:57
  LON, this is so expensive. But actually it is not really
• 9:00
  because there's a lot of public golf courses, for example, when
• 9:03
  you have to pay entry. A lot of yacht clubs, they
• 9:05
  require a membership, but oftentimes to go to their
• 9:08
  restaurant or Cafe doesn't. Yeah.
• 9:11
  So you can do either that or there is a lot of museums for
• 9:14
  example, have some sort of events or charities and you can
• 9:18
  just show up. Go to public places.
• 9:20
  Definitely. What about the dating apps?
• 9:23
  You still can make it work, but if you talking about like from
• 9:27
  perspective for meeting wealthy man, it will be very hard.
• 9:30
  There will be a lot of competition.
• 9:32
  You're much better off to make a good first impression
• 9:35
  personally. But if you just want to meet
• 9:37
  like a good guy, good partner for women, it's very very
• 9:40
  possible that just you. Again, you have to know what
• 9:43
  you're doing and not making mistakes.
• 9:45
  What are other mistakes women might be making?
• 9:47
  Well, where should I start? Number one, you have to
• 9:51
  understand why you need relationships, why you need a
• 9:55
  man because like a lot of women when they're asking like and
• 9:57
  they're like, well, I want to someone who is like a good
• 10:00
  partner, who is someone who will respect me, understand me and
• 10:03
  like, wait, let's go back a little bit.
• 10:05
  Do you want to have kids? Do you want to get married?
• 10:07
  Are you looking for someone you want to solve your financial
• 10:11
  situation? Or maybe you're looking for a
• 10:13
  partner for traveling or different activities.
• 10:17
  Or maybe you're looking for some emotional support.
• 10:20
  Because oftentimes people have a need which they try to cover
• 10:23
  with a partner. And sometimes they could be
• 10:26
  solved without, like men involved, you know what I'm
• 10:28
  saying? I think that one of the examples
• 10:30
  is probably travelling or a hobby.
• 10:32
  You might be able to make a lot of friends who enjoy the same
• 10:36
  hobby. Yeah.
• 10:37
  Or if you there are a lot of women, they just don't reflect
• 10:40
  on that, but they require because maybe they had like some
• 10:44
  some traumatic past or maybe not a very happy family and they try
• 10:47
  to fill that gap with a loving person.
• 10:50
  But maybe they just need the therapy.
• 10:52
  It's so true. Yeah.
• 10:54
  Maybe you just need therapy to start.
• 10:56
  It's a good place. And not just to start, but I
• 10:58
  mean to kind of help you with that without therapy, try to
• 11:02
  find a partner who filled that gap.
• 11:04
  You have a very high chance to get into toxic relationships
• 11:06
  which actually make things worse.
• 11:08
  Yes, so true. OK.
• 11:10
  So do you categorize what's valid versus not in terms of
• 11:15
  what you're looking for in marriage?
• 11:16
  Like if my answer was I want someone to go on weekend trips
• 11:20
  with, I want a partner to go on weekend trips with, I feel
• 11:23
  that's valid because I'm like, I want to go and I also want to
• 11:26
  have sex on these weekend trips. Like I really enjoy having sex.
• 11:30
  I want to do it with the same person.
• 11:31
  I like doing other activities with the same person I'm having
• 11:33
  sex with. Is that a valid answer?
• 11:36
  Are you craving deeper intimacy and the freedom to explore your
• 11:39
  desires without shame? Do you feel nervous bringing
• 11:42
  kink up with your partner? Or maybe you're curious to start
• 11:45
  but don't know where to begin. That's exactly where coaching
• 11:48
  comes in, and I've helped countless couples and
• 11:50
  individuals navigate kink in their lives and relationships.
• 11:54
  Book your console today at amandadames.com and let's make
• 11:57
  your desires feel doable. Again, what do you want from
• 12:00
  this marriage? If you just wanna like partner
• 12:03
  who you have a good time with, but do you want to have kids
• 12:06
  with them? Are the kids more important to
• 12:08
  you? You know, I'm saying so for
• 12:09
  every woman it would be different answer.
• 12:12
  What I would say that if you really wanna, and I agree, like
• 12:14
  sex could be important, but you as a king coach know that
• 12:18
  oftentimes what looks like you have no capability, you can
• 12:22
  workout and make it really great intimate relationship. 100%.
• 12:26
  A lot of women, unfortunately, they start dating the guy and
• 12:30
  everything is perfect, but in the bedroom things don't go that
• 12:34
  well and instead of try to kind of work it out, they just dump
• 12:38
  the guy. Yeah, that is a shame.
• 12:39
  Yes, but it could be definitely husband material with a little
• 12:42
  bit of tweaking, you know what I'm saying?
• 12:44
  Yes, one of the things I help women with the most is trying to
• 12:49
  find either find a dominant partner or to your point on
• 12:52
  fixing things in the bedroom or fixing things in the intimacy
• 12:56
  department. A lot of women are looking for
• 12:57
  dominant men, especially the people people who are listening
• 13:00
  to the podcast are watching. Do you have any tips or tricks
• 13:04
  for finding a man who falls on the more dominant side,
• 13:07
  especially when it comes to the world of kink or BDSM?
• 13:10
  It's a specific interest. We're not talking the alpha male
• 13:12
  types, which I'm sure you're familiar with.
• 13:14
  That kind of toxic. I'm the man, you know, And
• 13:16
  whether or not they really act in a supportive, financially
• 13:20
  supportive or way that they're presenting, who knows?
• 13:22
  But that's sort of dominant. I can take care of things.
• 13:25
  Self assurance and reliability that.
• 13:29
  Yeah. Let's start with the dominant
• 13:31
  men. If both partners are dominant,
• 13:33
  it's not going to work. Dominant person, they just can't
• 13:37
  put together themselves together like their dominance.
• 13:40
  They will be always feel insecure.
• 13:42
  They always will feel questioned.
• 13:44
  They always will feel not in their own position.
• 13:47
  They always will think that there is some sort of threat to
• 13:50
  their masculinity. Dominance, whatever you can call
• 13:53
  it, there is a dominant partner next to them.
• 13:55
  So if you want a dominant man, which actually surprises, there
• 13:59
  is a ton of them. The only reason why women can't
• 14:03
  find them maybe not because they dominant, but they are either
• 14:06
  expressing themselves in the dominant way or they say things
• 14:11
  or act in a way that men read it as a dominance.
• 14:15
  And you might be like the most feminine, most submissive, most
• 14:20
  kind, quiet woman on the earth, but if you act dominant the guy
• 14:25
  will run away like after 20 minutes of you on the 1st.
• 14:28
  So lean in to your submissiveness.
• 14:31
  Yes, but here is what it is. So a lot of women think that
• 14:34
  being submissive is just see, look down, you know, and be
• 14:37
  quiet and don't open the mouth. And that's what it's like what
• 14:40
  I'm not gonna shut myself, but oftentimes it's just a behavior
• 14:46
  or of things you say. For example, let's say Amanda,
• 14:49
  you on a date with a guy and he says something he's like express
• 14:53
  opinion on something and it's totally wrong.
• 14:56
  You realize that he's like, like, so wrong about that.
• 14:59
  He's like, super wrong. What you gonna do?
• 15:01
  Are you gonna tell him something about that?
• 15:03
  You're gonna tell him that he's wrong?
• 15:04
  I am. Yeah.
• 15:05
  And I'm not. Are you?
• 15:06
  Even saying it, I'm like getting antsy in my seat.
• 15:08
  I'm like, let me pull out some facts, OK?
• 15:11
  Yeah, you, you would and majority of people would
• 15:13
  because, and again, this is not because you're bad or because
• 15:17
  something wrong with you. It's just how we've been raised.
• 15:20
  We've been raised that everything should be fair.
• 15:22
  You should always like tell your opinion.
• 15:25
  You should always point to something is wrong.
• 15:28
  I'm not saying that you have to shut up and not to say anything
• 15:32
  if you think that partner is wrong.
• 15:33
  And again, this is also important point.
• 15:36
  If person says something wrong and it is red kind of flag
• 15:39
  wrong. If it's like race respectful.
• 15:42
  Yeah, OK. Disrespectful.
• 15:43
  Yeah, that's a. Good word.
• 15:44
  Something like diminishing someone, then yes, definitely.
• 15:47
  I would even not continue with a man like that.
• 15:49
  But if he he's like saying something and it's like a wrong
• 15:53
  fact. Like, for example, he might say
• 15:54
  like, oh, you know, the Earth is flat.
• 15:57
  I was just saying let's go with the Earth is flat, yes?
• 16:00
  OK, I guess it's your choice. Do you want to date guy who
• 16:03
  thinks Earth is flat or not? For some women, you know, it's
• 16:06
  not a deal breaker. For some art, for some, not.
• 16:09
  What I'm trying to say is how are you going to tell him that?
• 16:11
  He's like, oh, oh, no, man, you're wrong.
• 16:13
  Oh, gosh, some women get like really battling about that.
• 16:17
  They go really into details instead of just like, sleep out
• 16:19
  like, oh, what? OK, I never heard about that.
• 16:22
  Thank you for letting me know. And then decide for yourself.
• 16:25
  Is that something you can deal with?
• 16:28
  It is or it's totally OK for you.
• 16:30
  I have another question now because in real life, if that
• 16:32
  happened, my first question would be like, what's LED you to
• 16:35
  believe the Earth is flat? I would want even better.
• 16:38
  Yeah. So curious.
• 16:40
  Yes, I would ask questions, so that's OK.
• 16:43
  But like what? Oh, gosh, please don't tell me
• 16:46
  you're one of those idiots who believe that Earth is flat.
• 16:48
  Yeah, you know, because like some people react like that.
• 16:52
  If you're choosing just not to continue with them, it's
• 16:54
  probably the more polite thing to just be like OK in your head
• 16:57
  you you're like OK let me finish and walk away.
• 17:00
  If you're interested in them and it's not an immediate deal
• 17:02
  breaker, maybe. I always say lead with curiosity
• 17:05
  if you're introducing the clean. Like you said though, why you
• 17:08
  think is that yeah or yeah that should I believe in this?
• 17:11
  So that's a good way to go about it, so we're not jumping down
• 17:14
  people's throats if we want to pursue something.
• 17:16
  What else would you say is a good display of submissiveness
• 17:20
  when you're talking to a dominant man?
• 17:21
  Think about how you believe men and women relationship should
• 17:25
  work because a lot of women they got, especially today, they got
• 17:29
  kind of a mixed and sometimes contradictory ideals about
• 17:33
  relationships. So they wanna equality, which is
• 17:36
  totally fine. You wanna equal responsibility
• 17:39
  in relationship, but in the same time they wanna like men, lead
• 17:43
  men, be a leader, solve problems, make decisions.
• 17:46
  We have to understand that sometimes it could create
• 17:50
  relationship when it's not like man is better and he knows
• 17:54
  better it. That's not what I'm saying.
• 17:55
  But there are just like a certain things which some areas
• 17:59
  where he's better and there's some areas where you are better.
• 18:02
  And it's different for every man.
• 18:03
  And it's not like all men are better or all women are better.
• 18:06
  It's your specific relationship. So it's equality, not that we
• 18:11
  good about everything and nobody's better than anything in
• 18:14
  our relationship. It's about like equal amount of
• 18:16
  responsibility for each partner, you know what I'm saying?
• 18:19
  Yeah, I do completely. I would invite women to think
• 18:22
  from that point of view and it's OK for him to be in charge of
• 18:25
  some things because you'll be in charge of other things.
• 18:28
  Regardless of whether you're dominant or submissive within
• 18:31
  the relationship. Yeah, oftentimes women believe
• 18:35
  that we have to share everything.
• 18:36
  Like we have to share opinions on everything.
• 18:39
  No worse than you, like about like money, business, I know
• 18:42
  about your relationship with your mom and stuff like that.
• 18:45
  So I guess the strength in a submissive woman to step down
• 18:49
  sometimes in some of the questions, you know what I'm
• 18:52
  saying? For men, the strength of them
• 18:54
  also to keep things away that don't engage in things which are
• 18:58
  are either non important or will be destructive.
• 19:01
  And also, I guess I would mention another thing.
• 19:04
  Is that how you are perceiving yourself?
• 19:08
  Yeah. How you are treating yourself
• 19:11
  compared to other world? Yeah.
• 19:13
  Do you think that you're smarter than others?
• 19:15
  And again, I'm not saying that you have to be not to have any
• 19:18
  opinion on anything. Try not to express too much
• 19:23
  contempt and disrespect towards others when you're on a date.
• 19:27
  Choose your back battles. Yes, you choose the battles that
• 19:30
  are truly most important to you for sure.
• 19:32
  And your opinion of Kanye West is unlikely to be a popular like
• 19:36
  a battle worth fighting. But you know, if you think in
• 19:39
  the same way about Kanye West, that will be a thing that will
• 19:42
  straighten your relationship. That's true.
• 19:44
  OK, so you're trying to find common ground, and you do that
• 19:48
  through picking your battles as well.
• 19:50
  All right. I feel I'm learning here.
• 19:52
  I'm ready for my next first date.
• 19:54
  You'll do great, I'm sure. Also, we have to talk about the
• 19:57
  way women look on men. I'm actually from Russia, and I
• 20:01
  moved here 13 years ago. So what really blew my mind when
• 20:04
  I came here to us is how women look down on men.
• 20:08
  Women asked me, like, oh, why Russian girls are, like, so
• 20:10
  popular? Like, they go to US and, like,
• 20:13
  guys go. It's just, oh, because they're
• 20:15
  beautiful. Yeah, it's a part.
• 20:16
  But also in our culture, we've been raised to look up to men
• 20:21
  and. Definite cultural difference.
• 20:23
  So, and I think men registered that right away and they just
• 20:27
  take it and get hooked. They get cooked.
• 20:28
  They wanna looked with respect, first of all, with admiration.
• 20:34
  Yeah. And when a woman comes to date
• 20:36
  and like, tell me about yourself.
• 20:38
  Whatever is there, Karen, you know?
• 20:39
  And because they afraid to show that their interest because they
• 20:43
  might think like, oh, if I'll show that I'm interested, then
• 20:46
  he might think that I'm really into him.
• 20:49
  And then he will just use me. But you always the one who
• 20:52
  settles the boundaries for that, you the one who can avoid that.
• 20:55
  But I would always encourage to, if you agreed on a date, come up
• 21:00
  there with all the friendliness you can bring, with all the
• 21:03
  smile, with all the agree. Enthusiastically.
• 21:07
  Yes, enthusiastically. Enthusiastically OK.
• 21:09
  Yes, we all know you've been on a terrible date, but don't bring
• 21:12
  it on your date because that's what will make this date
• 21:15
  terrible as well. Yes, because you don't want to
• 21:18
  bring that negative energy in from something else.
• 21:20
  This is a fresh new date to enjoy and create something new
• 21:24
  from. Exactly.
• 21:25
  I do hear that like all men are this way, all women are that
• 21:29
  way, and that if you bring that into it, especially if they're
• 21:32
  looking down on either side. And do you think in Russia, so
• 21:36
  we have women looking up to men because they were raised that
• 21:39
  way. Is the opposite true?
• 21:40
  Do men look down on women in Russia?
• 21:43
  Is that the balance of it? Some do, but it doesn't really
• 21:46
  work like that. A lot of people think that men,
• 21:48
  Russian men, are just so like masculine.
• 21:50
  You know, they're like, yeah, bad guys.
• 21:52
  They always like play bad guys in the movies because they just
• 21:56
  that fact that women look up that makes them feel really
• 21:59
  secure. It makes them feel like a man.
• 22:01
  And that's why oftentimes they act like a man because they get
• 22:05
  that feeling they really. Forces.
• 22:07
  Yeah, their dominant position is not questioned.
• 22:10
  Their dominant position is not being in shambles.
• 22:12
  They know where they are because they know that woman is gives
• 22:15
  him opportunity to be in elite OK.
• 22:18
  And they gladly take that role. But you know what, again, this
• 22:21
  is, yeah, it's a culture. But also there's a lot of
• 22:23
  American men like that too. Don't.
• 22:25
  I'm not trying to disminish anyone.
• 22:27
  Absolutely. Absolutely not.
• 22:28
  I didn't think, Lana, this is great because I'm literally
• 22:31
  thinking like this is back to basics, right?
• 22:34
  It's funny because as a manager, I used to manage people in my
• 22:37
  career. I always knew you encourage what
• 22:40
  they're doing well and they do that more and more.
• 22:42
  You know, you don't focus on the bad, you focus on the great
• 22:44
  things they're doing and then that amplifies it.
• 22:46
  It magnifies it. And that is something they take
• 22:48
  on as part of their personality. You're describing the exact same
• 22:51
  thing. If you treat a man like a man
• 22:54
  and really encourage and appreciate the behaviors you
• 22:57
  enjoy and not focus on the ones you're not enjoying so much, you
• 23:00
  kind of the grass is greener where you water it.
• 23:03
  So if you're watering all of those good things, it'll grow
• 23:05
  more. Yes.
• 23:06
  And if you want a dominant man, just hang him that dominance,
• 23:10
  let him lead and see. Because some men are unable to
• 23:14
  lead, but majority actually will.
• 23:16
  But they oftentimes just don't get even that opportunity.
• 23:19
  Interestingly enough, I also have a lot of submissive men
• 23:23
  come to me looking for a dominant woman and that is
• 23:26
  difficult to find for a lot of people, maybe because of some of
• 23:29
  the cultural and social things that you've even mentioned can
• 23:32
  be difficult in the US as well. So have you ever come across
• 23:35
  that a man looking for a dominant woman?
• 23:37
  I haven't, but it's actually not that difficult, I think because
• 23:41
  first of all, look to the woman with a strong mother, but not
• 23:44
  the one who is pushing mother, but the strong mother from like
• 23:47
  a feminist maybe point of view, those who worked her whole life,
• 23:51
  who raised that idea in a woman. That woman can do everything on
• 23:55
  her own, that she's independent, that she can do as much as she
• 23:58
  can, who was like in the leading position in their relationship,
• 24:02
  in her marriage. Yes, OK.
• 24:04
  Because so I would focus on that.
• 24:06
  If you go on a date with a woman, ask about her mother
• 24:09
  first of all, ask about relationship with her mother and
• 24:11
  a woman and ask about relationship between mother and
• 24:14
  a father and how that family structure was.
• 24:17
  And also ask about her opinion on what is the woman's place in
• 24:22
  the world. Yeah.
• 24:23
  Ask about her opinion, how she see relationships.
• 24:27
  Yes, sometimes women, they just say they want to equal
• 24:30
  relationships, but they don't. That's why maybe sometimes
• 24:33
  they're battling with men because they want to be in
• 24:35
  charge. And again, there is nothing
• 24:37
  wrong about that. They just need to find right men
• 24:39
  who will be good with that. And as you said, there are
• 24:42
  plenty of men like that as well. In both scenarios, the issue is
• 24:45
  a little bit people saying they're looking for equality,
• 24:48
  but that's not the whole story. There's a deeper level to it.
• 24:51
  When I talk about kinks so openly, that's something we
• 24:53
  focus on is what the power exchange we're looking for.
• 24:56
  But when you're also dating for other reasons, or you're meeting
• 24:59
  a vanilla partner because you care most about the family and
• 25:02
  you're hoping to have the type of intimacy that you crave,
• 25:05
  maybe it's kink, maybe it's something else.
• 25:07
  It's this balancing act. And that's why I'm loving this
• 25:09
  conversation because I think there is so much to what you're
• 25:11
  saying of like, if your sole focus is not the BDSM and the
• 25:15
  kink, and it speaks to why are you getting married?
• 25:18
  Why are you looking for a partner?
• 25:19
  These are all really important things to factor in and sort of
• 25:22
  get honest with yourself about what you're looking for.
• 25:25
  I think it's a step number one. Get honest with yourself and try
• 25:28
  to reflect on what exactly you want, not what society tells
• 25:32
  you, but not your parents told you or your friends.
• 25:35
  Think about what you want and step #2 would be what kind of
• 25:39
  relationship could suffice that urge suffice that desire.
• 25:42
  And when you know what kind of relationship you want, it will
• 25:45
  be much easier to find a partner who can fit into that.
• 25:48
  Relationship, OK, what happens? And this happens a lot of
• 25:51
  people, they know what they want, they're very clear about
• 25:54
  it. And then somebody comes along
• 25:56
  and they just are like, this person is perfect.
• 25:58
  Never mind the fact that this person doesn't line up with
• 26:01
  anything they want, but this person is sort of societally
• 26:03
  perfect. They are perfect on paper.
• 26:05
  How do you navigate that? Is it just being so clear on
• 26:08
  what you want and do you discard everything that's not exactly
• 26:11
  what you want? How do you find that balance
• 26:13
  when you, I don't know, there's love at first sight and things
• 26:16
  might not line up well. Do you believe in love at first
• 26:19
  sight? I guess is the first question.
• 26:21
  Well, I think it's possible, but what again?
• 26:24
  What you think the love is? Yeah, very deep questions.
• 26:29
  Maybe we don't really have that much time on the philosophy
• 26:32
  going so deep, but I would say that what we talk about earlier,
• 26:36
  it is extremely important to go down and reflect what exactly is
• 26:40
  important to you, because that's mistake a lot of people make.
• 26:44
  They sort of know what they want, but then they find someone
• 26:47
  socially acceptable, pursue them, and then end up divorced
• 26:51
  like in two years and all their friends thinking like what
• 26:54
  happened? You've been so perfect.
• 26:56
  You've been such a great couple. He's amazing.
• 26:59
  What happened? And then you're like, how did I
• 27:01
  get myself into this? And you did because you listened
• 27:05
  social norms rather than your own desires.
• 27:08
  What's important to you? Because you can lie to yourself
• 27:11
  and try to find logical reasons why that person is good, but if
• 27:17
  he or she doesn't align with your true desires, with your
• 27:21
  true important points, it's not going to work.
• 27:24
  It doesn't matter how amazing they are.
• 27:26
  They could be just beyond. It's still not going to work.
• 27:29
  Or it could work, but you don't get to be your authentic self in
• 27:32
  that relationship. Yes, when I say like it's not
• 27:34
  going to work, it's not going to bring you happiness.
• 27:36
  No, it's the price to pay is too high if you can't be yourself
• 27:40
  every day in your relationship. For sure and that's why I say
• 27:43
  that it is important to of course be aware of social norms,
• 27:47
  but it's also important what exactly do you want?
• 27:50
  And if you meet someone who is like super perfect, start asking
• 27:54
  yourself like, OK, there are 5 things I want in the
• 27:57
  relationship and just go 1 by 1. Can that person give me this?
• 28:00
  Can that person give me this? Can that person give me that?
• 28:03
  And if there is at least one, no.
• 28:05
  And there's like really big points I'm talking about like
• 28:08
  something really existentially important to you.
• 28:10
  And if there is, at least no, it doesn't matter how awesome
• 28:14
  amazing that person is, it's probably not gonna workout.
• 28:17
  Lana yes, I know that is that is a fact.
• 28:21
  I feel like we got to the crux of this is the core of it.
• 28:24
  This is where we need to start looking for relationships is we
• 28:29
  sit down and I think coming up with those five points is really
• 28:32
  important. What matters to you is the
• 28:33
  answer for what you're looking for.
• 28:35
  OK, you have an interesting story because you ended up
• 28:39
  engaged very soon after meeting your partner.
• 28:42
  It was like within a Week, 2 weeks.
• 28:44
  Well, what happened is that we met through friends because I
• 28:48
  was already ready for marriage. And this like, hey, Lana, we
• 28:52
  know the guy. You know, he's like very good,
• 28:54
  very serious. And he has also mentioned to us
• 28:57
  that he looking for marriage. And I was like, OK.
• 28:59
  And they told pretty much the same to him.
• 29:01
  And it's like the only thing he's American and he lives in
• 29:04
  the US and I was living in Russia back then.
• 29:06
  And I was thinking like, is that a deal breaker for you or not?
• 29:10
  Because it's, it's a lot. I haven't spoke English at all.
• 29:13
  So I thought like, OK, there is a lot of work I'll have to do in
• 29:16
  order for this to workout. But we start just chatting like
• 29:19
  emails with Skype, that's how long it was with Skype.
• 29:23
  Maybe like a three or four times.
• 29:24
  And then he just came to me and when we actually met in person
• 29:28
  in four days, he proposed me. Wow.
• 29:31
  Did he speak Russian? No.
• 29:32
  Oh my gosh. So you have to deal with a
• 29:34
  language barrier. There was a little bit, but I
• 29:38
  was much younger back then and my brain was a little bit
• 29:41
  fresher, so I actually learned quite quickly.
• 29:44
  Like important points, like some basics.
• 29:47
  And of course, we use translator and stuff like that.
• 29:50
  But why it worked out even with the language barrier, even with
• 29:54
  thousands of miles setting us apart because I've asked him
• 29:57
  important questions and he saw that.
• 29:59
  And that didn't scare him away. OK.
• 30:01
  It actually make him more attached to me because he
• 30:05
  realized how serious I am, how I go like, deep down in the
• 30:08
  relationships and focusing on important things.
• 30:11
  Yeah, I asked him about if he wants kids or not.
• 30:13
  I asked him about his financial situation, but again, not about
• 30:16
  like how much he make, but how's he seen budgeting, like what he
• 30:20
  thinks important in budgeting, for example, Or how does he see
• 30:23
  finances into relationships, how is supposed to work, things like
• 30:27
  that. Yeah, ask about his family.
• 30:28
  Yeah, of course we talk about music, movies, but our most
• 30:32
  important parts of conversations were the core questions.
• 30:36
  And if you don't ask them, you just wasting time because sooner
• 30:40
  or later those core questions would be asked and you're not
• 30:42
  gonna like the answer. And you just realize that you on
• 30:45
  1/5 or 6th date with the person you don't really want to be
• 30:48
  with. And that happens a lot of
• 30:50
  people, myself included. So in these core questions, are
• 30:53
  you ever asking about people's exes?
• 30:56
  Because I think that a lot of people's past relationships help
• 30:59
  you understand how they're going to show up in this relationship.
• 31:02
  Absolutely. And I would say probably most
• 31:05
  important part in the answer about the ex is not really a lot
• 31:09
  about them, but about how they answer.
• 31:11
  What emotions do they have? Are they angry at them?
• 31:13
  Are they like calm? Are they discussed by this
• 31:16
  conversation? Because that tells a lot.
• 31:18
  And plus problem the most important thing, like what
• 31:21
  didn't work out, the reason why you broke out?
• 31:23
  Yeah, because that tells a lot about a person.
• 31:26
  Even if he lies and like makes up the reason.
• 31:29
  Because if he was the reason why they broke up and he like makes
• 31:32
  up and try to make her look bad, that also tells a lot about him.
• 31:37
  Yeah, because there's that lack of respect.
• 31:39
  OK. My final question is, how do you
• 31:42
  know that you're ready to date? There is no certainty because
• 31:47
  oftentimes people think that they not ready and then they
• 31:50
  boom meet person of their life and sometimes I think they're
• 31:54
  ready, but actually there is a lot of trauma inside.
• 31:57
  I would say that when you think about dating, what emotions
• 32:01
  exactly get right after you think about that?
• 32:04
  I do feel like frustration, like oh or like I feel excited.
• 32:07
  I did, yeah. I feel excited.
• 32:09
  Then you're definitely ready to date.
• 32:11
  But if you think like, oh man, I have to like put my clothes on,
• 32:14
  I have to take a shower, There's probably something going on in
• 32:18
  your life which you have to take care off and try to reflect on
• 32:21
  that. But if you feel excitement, if
• 32:22
  you open to that, if you really think that there's someone
• 32:26
  around the corner, that's a great, great news.
• 32:28
  And I think it's a good point to be.
• 32:30
  Yeah, I think so too. The positivity and the intent is
• 32:34
  really important because if you're not positive about it, I
• 32:37
  don't know what can build on top of that.
• 32:39
  Yeah, actually probably will make worse because a lot of
• 32:41
  people they when the infrastrated state entering the
• 32:44
  dating scene, they might scare away even the good partners and
• 32:48
  without even realizing that. So that's why it's better to fix
• 32:52
  what is bothering you if there is such a thing and then already
• 32:55
  start dating. Are you available to hire as a
• 32:58
  coach? I would highly recommend to
• 33:00
  check out my course 5 Dating mistakes and we only talk about
• 33:05
  one of them today so there's four more and I think when you
• 33:08
  check that out, I would encourage, if not me, but take
• 33:11
  advice from someone who been in a long lasting serious
• 33:15
  relationships so they know how to do it for themselves and they
• 33:18
  can help you as well. That's great advice.
• 33:20
  You can find Lana's course 5 Dating Mistakes That Keep You
• 33:23
  Single in the show notes and get 10% off with code TKC.
• 33:28
  All of that information is in the show notes.
• 33:30
  Only for your listeners. Just for my listeners, yes,
• 33:33
  thank you so much Lana. I am really excited to dig into
• 33:37
  the other four dating mistakes and hopefully have you on again
• 33:41
  in the future so we can review. Thank you so much for having me,
• 33:44
  it was a really pleasure. If you enjoyed this episode,
• 33:48
  don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share it with
• 33:51
  anyone who might find it interesting.
• 33:53
  And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
• 33:56
  future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
• 33:58
  info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
• 34:03
  on.