Latest / The Conscious Divorce / How to Divorce an Unstable Spouse Safely
Transcript
- Justin: Picture this. You're sitting in your attorney's conference room. Your hands are steady, your voice is calm, you have your financial documents organized, you have your parenting plan drafted, you are prepared. And then your phone buzzes. It's a text from your spouse. 14 messages in 90 seconds. The first one says, you're destroying this family. The sixth one says, I'm gonna end it all if you go through with this. The tenth one says, I already called the school and I told them you're not allowed to pick up the kids. The fourteenth one says, I love you. Please come home. Your attorney looks at you, your hands are no longer steady. This is what it feels like to go through a divorce when your spouse is in an unmanaged mental health crisis. The rules change. The playbook you thought you had doesn't apply. The process that was already hard just became exponentially harder, more unpredictable, and more emotionally dangerous for everyone involved, especially the children. But here's what I want you to hear right now before we go any further. You can have compassion for someone's pain without volunteering to be destroyed by their instability. That's what this episode is about. So let's get into it. Welcome to the Conscious Divorce Podcast, where we talk about divorce, healing, rebuilding, and designing your next chapter. I'm Justin Milrad, certified divorce coach, mental health advocate, divorced dad, and founder of Reclaim and Reboot Transformational Divorce Coaching. This show is for anyone trying to move through divorce with more clarity, courage, and dignity. Today we're taking one of the most requested, most difficult, and most emotionally loaded topics I have ever covered. We're talking about divorcing a spouse whose mental health symptoms are destabilizing the divorce process and in some cases putting the children at risk. I want to be clear about something right at the top. This episode is not about labeling anyone. It's not about diagnosing your spouse from across the kitchen table. It's about recognizing patterns of behavior, prioritizing safety. Protecting your children, and building a strategy that works even when the other person cannot show up as a functional partner in the process. But before we go further, I need to give you an important disclaimer, and I need you to actually hear this one. This episode is for educational and coaching purposes only. I am not your attorney, therapist, doctor, financial advisor, tax advisor, or crisis professional. Nothing in this episode constitutes legal, medical, mental health, financial, or tax advice. Every situation is different. Laws vary by state. Clinical presentations vary by person. What I share today is a framework for thinking, not a prescription for action. If you're dealing with danger, abuse, threats, suicidal statements, child safety concerns, substance abuse, psychiatric crisis, or legal risk, please contact qualified professionals immediately. That includes a family law attorney, a licensed therapist, a physician, and emergency services when warranted. If there is a suicide or mental health crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or use chat at 988Lifeline.org. If there is imminent danger, call 911 or your local emergency services. If you're experiencing domestic violence or coercive control, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. My role as a divorce coach is to help you get organized, emotionally regulated, and and prepared for mediation, settlement discussions, or court. I am not your attorney, I'm not your therapist, and I am not anyone's crisis plan. I work alongside those professionals, not in place of I want to take 60 seconds to frame what this episode is and what it's not, because the topic is sensitive and the stakes are real. This episode is a framework for navigating divorce when your spouse's behavior, whether driven by mental health symptoms, addiction, trauma, or something else, is making the process unsafe, chaotic, or impossible to manage through normal channels. episode is not permission to weaponize mental health. It is not a guide to punish someone for having a diagnosis. It's not a reason to deny your child a relationship with a parent who is safe. And it's not a tool for diagnosing someone from a podcast. Mental illness is real. It's not a character flaw. Millions of people live with depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, and other conditions while being loving, functional, incapable parents. episode is about what happens when symptoms are unmanaged, untreated, or in acute crisis, and how that changes your strategy as the person trying to move through the process. If you're listening to this and recognizing that you might be the person whose behavior is destabilizing things, That recognition takes courage, and getting help is the most powerful move you can make. Treatment works, support exists, and your kids need you to pursue it. Why this topic matters. In my coaching practice, roughly half of the people I work with are dealing with some version of this. Their spouse has depression that has gone untreated for years, or anxiety that spirals into control, or addiction that keeps cycling, or rage that turns every conversation into a minefield, or behavioral patterns that make the divorce process itself a weapon. And here's what makes this fundamentally different from a standard divorce. In a typical divorce, both parties may be hurt, angry, scared, and reactive. But they're generally operating within the same reality. They can negotiate, they can make decisions, they can eventually find a path forward, even if it's painful. When one person's mental health symptoms are unmanaged, that shared reality can break down. You might be dealing with someone who genuinely cannot regulate their emotions, or someone who perceives threats that are not really there, or someone who uses the language of therapy as a shield against accountability, or someone who is so consumed by their own pain. That they can't see the damage being done to the children. That changes the legal strategy. It changes the parenting plan. It changes the communication approach. It changes how you protect yourself and your kids. It changes what success even looks like. And the research is clear on one thing: unmanaged conflict harms children more than divorce itself. It is not the two-home reality that damages kids. It's the chaos, the unpredictability, the emotional warfare, and the loss of stability. That does the damage. So today we're going to talk about how to navigate this with clarity, compassion, and strategy, because you deserve all three. Compassion without collapse. Let me give you a framework that I come back to constantly with my clients. I call it compassion plus boundaries. Here's what it means. You can acknowledge that your spouse is suffering. You can feel genuinely sorry for what they're going through. You can wish them well. You can hope they get the help they need. At same time, you can hold a firm boundary that says, your symptoms and behaviors do not get to control my life, my decisions, my timeline, or my children's safety. These two things are not in conflict. In fact, holding both is the most mature, most responsible thing you can do for yourself, for your children, and honestly for your spouse. Enabling chaos is not compassion. It's codependency wearing a cape. The person who needs to be okay for your kids is you. So the question is not how do I fix my spouse? The question is how do I build a structure that protects my children and allows me to function regardless of what my spouse does or doesn't do. That's the shift from reactive to strategic, from caretaker to architect. And that is the U 2.0 approach. You're not just surviving a divorce, you're redesigning your life. Mental illness versus behavioral patterns. One of the most important distinctions I can help you make is the difference between mental illness, eye conflict behavior, addiction, trauma responses, personality traits, and abuse. These things overlap. They interact. They can look similar on the surface, but they're not the same. And understanding the difference matters because it changes your strategy. Mental illness is a clinical condition. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD. These are diagnosable, treatable conditions. A person with managed mental illness can be a wonderful parent and a reasonable co-parent. The issue arises when symptoms are unmanaged, untreated, or in acute crisis. High conflict behavior. It's a pattern, it's not a diagnosis. A high conflict person, regardless of clinical status, tends to escalate disputes, blame others, resist compromise, and create chaos. Some people are high conflict and clinically healthy. Some people have a mental illness and are low conflict. The overlap exists, but they're not the same thing. Addiction, it's its own category. It can coexist with mental illness. It can mimic personality patterns. It can create cycles of crisis and stability that make planning nearly impossible. Addiction introduces relapse risk, impaired judgment, and potential safety concerns that require their own set of legal and parenting strategies. Trauma responses. They're survival patterns. A person who grew up in chaos may respond to the stress of divorce with hypervigilance, emotional flooding, fight or flight reactions, or shutdown. These are not choices, but they still impact the divorce and the children. Personality traits. Are long-standing patterns of thinking and relating. I want to be careful here. Narcissistic traits, borderline traits, paranoid traits, obsessive traits, these are clinical categories that require professional assessment. I'm not asking you to diagnose your spouse. In fact, it can be dangerous. And I'm not asking you to casually use these terms at the kitchen table or in legal filings. What I am asking you to do is notice patterns, patterns of manipulation, patterns of blame shifting. Patterns of boundary violation, patterns of emotional volatility. Those patterns inform your strategy, regardless of whether they carry a clinical label. Abuse. It's a different category entirely. Coercive control, intimidation, threats, physical violence, financial abuse, using the children as weapons. And here's a sentence that matters. A diagnosis may explain someone's distress, but it does not excuse intimidation, coercion, violence. financial abuse or child endangerment. Mental illness does not cause abuse. That distinction matters legally, strategically, and morally. So here's your takeaway. Your job is not to diagnose. Your job is to document behavior, recognize patterns, and build your team accordingly. I call this the document, don't diagnose rule. Write down what happened, write down when it happened, write down who witnessed it, write down how it affected the children. Do not write My spouse is a narcissist. Right. On March 14th, my spouse sent 47 text messages between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m., including threats to take the children out of state. Facts, dates, behavior, impact. That's what your attorney needs. That is what a judge can use. That's what protects you. A note on documentation. Keep facts, dates, exact words, screenshots, voicemails. Police reports and any relevant school or medical communication you have obtained lawfully. Do not record conversations without understanding your state's recording laws. Ask your attorney before you record anything. Safety and crisis red flags. Before we go further into strategy, I need to talk about safety. Because in some of these situations, safety is not a metaphor. It's literal. Here are the red flags that should activate your crisis plan immediately. Your spouse makes a suicidal statement, whether it's a text, a voicemail, a statement to your children, or words spoken during an argument. Any suicidal statement is a crisis. Here's what you do: call or text 988. The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also use chat at 988Lifeline.org. If you believe there is imminent danger, call 911 or local emergency services. Contact their therapist if they have one. Do not leave children alone with a person making active threats. Document the exact words, the date, the time, and who was present. Notify your attorney as soon as you safely can. Here's what you don't do. Don't try to be their crisis counselor. You do not absorb the threat as a reason to stop the divorce. You do not manage this alone. You are not trained for this, and it is not your role. Connect them to professionals and protect the children. I also want to say something about the tone we use when we talk about suicide. Suicidal statements are a sign of profound pain, and that pain is real. This is not about blame. It's about making sure the right people are involved to help. Treatment is available, recovery is possible, and the best thing you can do for someone in crisis is to connect them to people who can help. Your spouse threatens violence against you, against the children, against themselves, against a new partner. Any threat of physical harm needs to be documented, reported to your attorney, and potentially reported to law enforcement. Your spouse is using substances around the children. Active substance use with children present is a safety issue. Document it, report it to your attorney, consider whether emergency legal intervention is warranted. Your spouse is making reckless decisions that endanger the children. Driving impaired, leaving young children unsupervised, Exposing them to dangerous people or environments disappearing during their parenting time. Your spouse is engaging in coercive control, monitoring your location, controlling finances to trap you, threatening to destroy you in court, turning the children against you systematically, isolating you from support systems. And know this separation can escalate coercive control in danger. If you're planning to leave, do it with a safety plan, an attorney, and ideally the support of a domestic violence advocate. If any of these apply, you need an attorney immediately if you don't have one. You may need a domestic violence advocate. You may need a safety plan. you may need emergency custody orders. I say this with zero drama. Do not coach your way through a safety issue. Get professionals involved. My role is to help you get organized and prepared. The crisis response belongs to attorneys, therapists, law enforcement, and crisis professionals. Mandated reporting and child safety. I want to add something here that I don't hear discussed enough in the divorce coaching space. And that is your responsibility when it comes to child safety. you have reason to believe a child is being abused, neglected, exposed to domestic violence, abandoned, ⁓ by an impaired parent, exposed to unsafe substance use, or endangered by a person making credible threats, you should contact your attorney and appropriate emergency or child protective resources. Reporting laws vary by state. In some states, specific professionals are mandated reporters. In many states, any person may make a report. I'm not going to give you state-specific legal advice on this, but I will tell you this: when a child's safety is at risk, the priority is protecting that child. Your attorney can help you understand your obligations and options. ⁓ If you're unsure whether what you are seeing rises to the level of a report, consult your attorney or call your local child protective services task. can often ask questions without filing a formal report. Don't wait until something catastrophic happens to act. And do not assume that because something happens during the other parenting's time, it's not your concern. It's always your concern. They're your children. The divorce process with a destabilizing spouse. Okay, let's assume you've assessed safety and you're not in immediate danger. You're moving through the divorce process with someone whose mental health symptoms are making the process chaotic, unpredictable, or impossible to manage through normal channels. Here's how to approach it, scenario by scenario. Scenario one: a spouse with depression who shuts down. What may be happening? Your spouse is so overwhelmed by depression that they cannot respond to emails, make decisions, attend mediations, or engage with the process at all. They may be sleeping most of the day. They may not be opening mail. They may have stopped showing up for parenting time. What not to do? Do not take over their responsibilities out of guilt. Do not make decisions on their behalf and then expect gratitude. Do not wait indefinitely for them to stabilize before moving the process forward. What to do instead? Document the non-responsiveness. Communicate in writing so there is a record. Work with your attorney to establish reasonable deadlines. If they have a therapist, their attorney can coordinate with the treatment team when appropriate. Keep the process moving. their depression is real, but it does not get to hold your life and your children's stability in indefinite suspension. What to say? I understand you're going through a difficult time, and I'm sorry for that. I still need a response on the parenting schedule by Friday so we can both plan. If I don't hear from you, I will follow up through our attorneys. Professionals needed, your attorney, a mediator only if your spouse can meaningfully participate, a divorce coach for you, a child therapist if the kids are noticing the other parents' withdrawal. What to document? Missed parenting time with dates, unanswered communication with dates, and subject matter. Any impact on children's routines. Any evidence of self-neglect that could affect parenting capacity. What to protect the children from? Taking on the caregiving role of the depressed parent, feeling responsible for the other parents' emotions, monitoring the other parent's mood, medication, or daily functioning, losing structure and consistency. Scenario two: a spouse with anxiety who catastrophizes. What may be happening? Every issue becomes an emergency. Minor scheduling conflict turns into a five-page email about how you're trying to take the children away. A routine financial question becomes an accusation that you're hiding assets. The anxiety transforms normal divorce friction into a constant state of crisis. What not to do? Do not engage with the catastrophizing. Do not send lengthy explanations trying to calm them down. Do not match their emotional intensity. What to do instead? Use bif communication. Brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Respond with the facts. Ignore the emotional escalation. Keep your responses short and businesslike. When the catastrophizing targets the children, route it through your attorney or parent coordinator. Learn what to say. I hear your concern about the schedule change. Here's the updated calendar. Let me know if the dates work. Professionals needed attorney for legal boundaries, a parenting coordinator to handle smaller disputes with without direct conflict and a therapist for you to manage your emotional drain. What to document? Patterns of catastrophizing that delay the process. Any false accusations made to third parties, attorneys, or the court, any impact on the children's sense of safety. What to protect the children from, absorbing the anxious parents' fears, hearing worst case scenarios about custody, finances, or the future, being used as information sources or emotional support. Scenario three, a spouse with addiction or relapse risk. What may be happening? Your spouse has a history of substance use. They may be in recovery, actively using, or cycling between sobriety and relapse. The unpredictability creates real safety concerns, especially around parenting time. What not to do? Do not enable. Do not cover for them with the children. Do not assume that current sobriety means the parenting plan does not need safeguards. Do not use your addiction as a weapon. But do not pretend it doesn't exist either. What to do instead? Build relapse provisions into the parenting plan. Discuss substance testing with your attorney, if warranted. Ensure there are clear protocols for what happens if a relapse occurs during parenting time. Identify safe adults who can step in during a crisis. What to say? I support your recovery and I want the kids to have a healthy relationship with you. Also, need the parenting plan to include safeguards that protect them if things become unstable. That's not a punishment, it's a structure. Professionals needed. Attorney experienced in addiction and custody matters. An addiction specialist or counselor for the spouse. A child therapist, potentially an addiction-informed mediator. SAMHSA at findreatment.gov help locate behavioral health. substance use treatment centers. What to document? Any observant signs of impairment during parenting exchanges, missed parenting time, any incidents where the children reported concerns. Any history of DUI or substance related issues. What to protect your children from? Being exposed to active use, taking on the role of monitoring the addicted parent sobriety, which children should never be asked to do. Losing stability when a relapse disrupts the schedule. Scenario four, a spouse who makes suicidal statements. What may be happening? Your spouse says things like, If you leave, I'll kill myself. Or the kids will not have a mother father because of you. This is one of the most emotionally paralyzing situations you can face. What not to do? Do not ignore it. Do not dismiss it. Do not absorb it as a reason to stop the divorce process. Do not try to become their crisis counselor, therapist, or sole safety planner. And do not leave the children alone with the person who is making active threats. What to do instead. Take every suicidal statement seriously. Call or text 988-the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also use chat at 988-Lifeline.org. Contact their therapist if they have one. Call 911 or Local Emergency Services if you believe there is imminent risk. Document every statement with the date, time, exact words, and who is present. Inform your attorney as soon as you safely can. If your children are hearing these statements, That is an emergency for their emotional safety and they need professional support. What to say? I'm hearing that you're in a lot of pain right now. I care about your safety and I want to get you help. Please call or text 988 or call your therapist. I'm going to make sure the right people are involved. Framing this correctly, suicidal statements reflect real suffering, and that suffering deserves a professional response. This is not about blame or judgment. It's about making sure the person gets help from people trained to provide it. Treatment is available. Recovery is real, and connecting someone to professional crisis support is the most caring thing you can do. What to document? Every statum verbatim. Dates, times, context, who is present, whether the children heard or were exposed. What crisis steps you took and the outcomes. to protect your children from? Hearing suicidal language. Feeling responsible for the other parent safety, being placed in a monitoring role, being used as a reason to halt the divorce process. Scenario five. A spouse who uses mental health language to manipulate. What may be happening? Your spouse has learned the vocabulary. They accuse you of gaslighting when you set the boundary. They say you're triggering them when you ask for financial documents. They claim you are traumatizing the children by proceeding with a divorce. language of therapy becomes a tool of control rather than a path of self awareness. What not to do? Do not get drawn into a therapy speak debate. Do not try to prove their use of the term is incorrect. Do not second guess yourself into paralysis. What to do instead? Recognize the pattern when therapeutic language is being used to avoid accountability, prevent progress, or shift blame. It's a manipulation. Not mental health awareness. Respond to facts, not framing. Keep communication written and brief. What to say? I understand we see this differently. I'm gonna follow the process our attorneys have outlined. What to document? Specific instances where weaponized language blocked progress or was used to make false claims to attorneys, therapists, or the court, including dates and context. Scenario six, a spouse whose rage or volatility creates fear. What may be happening? Your spouse screams, throws things, punches walls, gets in your face, sends threatening messages, or creates an atmosphere of fear and intimidation. It may be episodic. It may be constant. Either way, it creates a dynamic where you and potentially the children are not safe. What not to do? Do not engage during a rage episode. Do not try to reason with someone in fight me. Do not stay in a physical space where you feel unsafe. What to do instead? Leave the situation if you can do so safely. Call law enforcement if there is an immediate threat. Document every incident. Request that all communication go through attorneys or a monitored co parenting platform. If the rage is happening around the children, this needs to be part of your custody strategy immediately. What to say? Nothing during the rage. Later through your attorney or in Not going engage in conversations that involve yelling, threats, or intimidation. All further communication will go through our attorneys. Professionals needed. Attorney, domestic violence advocate if there's a pattern of intimidation or coercive control. Child therapist if the children are witnessing. trauma-informed therapist for you. What to document? Every incident, dates, times, locations, exact behavior, exact words, ⁓ whether children present. Whether law enforcement was contacted in outcomes. Scenario seven, and this one is scary. High functioning public persona and private chaos. What may be happening? Your spouse presents beautifully to the outside world. They're charming with the mediator. They're calm in front of the attorneys. They volunteer at school. Nobody would believe what happens behind closed doors. What not to do? Do not expect others to immediately see what you see. Do not rely on verbal reports alone. Do not assume that because they seem fine in professional settings, you must be exaggerating. What to do instead? Document the private behavior meticulously. Save texts, emails, and voicemails. If the children are old enough, their observations may come through in therapy with a qualified child therapist. Work with an attorney who understands this dynamic. Be patient. Patterns tend to emerge under the stress of the process. What to say? I understand that this might not match what you see in professional settings. I am documenting what is happening outside these settings, and I want the process to account for that. Scenario eight, a spouse who weaponizes the children. What may be happening? Your spouse tells the children the divorce is your fault. They ask the children to spy or report on your household. They undermine your rules. They make the children feel guilty for enjoying time with you. They create loyalty conflicts deliberately. What not to do? Don't badmouth the other parent in front of the children. Don't use the children as messengers or information sources. Don't put the children in the middle by asking them to report on the other parent. Do not try to win the children's loyalty. What to do instead? the stable, consistent, emotionally safe parent. Talk to a child therapist about how to support the children. Consider requesting a custody evaluation or a guardian outline if the alienating behavior is severe and sustained. Document the patterns through your attorney. What to say to the children? I know things feel confusing right now. Both mom and dad love you. You don't have to choose sides or carry anyone's feelings. Your only job is to be a kid. Scenario nine, a spouse who refuses treatment. What may be happening? Your spouse clearly needs help. Their family sees it, their friends see it, their attorney may see it, but they won't go. They insist nothing is wrong. They try and get a new diagnosis. They blame you. The divorce, the system, everyone else. What not to do? Do not make getting them into treatment your project. Do not delay the divorce waiting for them to get help. Do not allow their absence of treatment to become an excuse for disruption. What to do instead? that you cannot control their treatment decisions. Build your strategy around the reality of their current functioning, not the hope of future improvement. If their untreated symptoms are affecting the children, document it and raise it with your attorney. What to say? I hope you get the support you need. I can't make that decision for you. I'm gonna I'm gonna move forward with the process based on where things stand today. Scenario 10. Genuinely suffering, needs compassion, still can't control the process. What may be happening? Your spouse is in real pain. They're not manipulative, they're not high conflict, they're genuinely suffering, perhaps with a major depressive episode, a severe anxiety disorder. a medical condition affecting their mental health or another acute crisis. You feel terrible about the divorce. You may even feel like you're abandoned. What not to do? Don't stay married out of guilt. Don't become their primary caretaker during the divorce. Do not sacrifice your children's stability to manage their illness. What to do instead? Lead with genuine compassion while maintaining your direction. Encourage them to engage their own support system, their therapist, their family, their friends, their physician. Offer reasonable accommodations, extra time for responses, a gentler place where possible while still moving forward. Communicate through attorneys when direct communication becomes too emotionally loaded. What to say? I know this is incredibly hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I believe we both deserve to heal. And I think the best way for us to do that is to move through this process with as much kindness as we can imagine. Scenario 11. A co-parent who destabilizes after the divorce. What may be happening? The divorce is final, but the instability continues. The co-parent is erratic with pickup times. They have a mental health crisis and disappear for days. They introduce a new partner who creates additional chaos. They stop taking medication. The children come home dysregulated after every visit. What not to do? Do not assume it will resolve on its own. Do not wait until something catastrophic happens. Do not handle it entirely outside the legal system. to do instead? Document everything. Use a co-parenting app such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Consult your attorney about modification options. If the children are showing signs of distress, get them into therapy. Consider requesting a parenting coordinator to manage ongoing disputes. Scenario 12: a parent who misses parenting time or creates emergencies. What may be happening? They cancel at the last minute. They manufacture a crisis every other weekend. They show up late or not at all. The children are disappointed, confused, or anxious about whether the other parent will follow through. What not to do? Don't cover for them. Don't make excuses to the children. Don't let them dictate your schedules through chaos. What to do instead? Stick to the parenting plan. When they miss their time, document it with dates and details. Do not automatically reschedule their missed time. Unless it's clearly in the children's best interest. Give the children age-appropriate honesty. What to say to the children? I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, daddy, mommy could not make it today. That's not your fault. We're going to have a great day together. Scenario 13: Behavioral Patterns that should suggest personality traits. What may be happening? You're dealing with a person who shows long-standing patterns of extreme need for control. Severe fear of abandonment that leads to chaotic behavior, paranoid thinking that makes negotiation impossible, or rigid obsessiveness that turns every detail into a battle. What not to do? Do not casually diagnose them. Do not bring personality labels into legal filings or conversations with the kids. ⁓ Do not expect these to change during the divorce. Do not use clinical terms unless a qualified professional. court process has established relevant findings. to do instead? Build your strategy around the behavioral patterns, not the label. If they need to feel in control, give them small areas of choice while holding firm on what matters. If they fear abandonment, expect escalation at transition points. If their thinking is paranoid, use written communication exclusively so nothing can be distorted. If they're rigidly obsessive, accept that the process will be slower. have your attorneys set firm boundaries on scope. What to say? Your attorney and divorce coach can help you develop language tailored to these patterns. The key principle is to disengage from the emotional dynamic and operate within the legal structure. Scenario 14, coercive control or emotional abuse. What may be happening? This goes beyond conflict. Your spouse controls the finances, monitors your phone, isolates you from friends and family, dictates your decisions, humiliates you privately or in front of the children, or uses fear as a management tool. What not to do? Do not go to traditional mediation without significant safeguards. Standard mediation assumes two people with relatively equal power. And that is not the case here. Do not believe that abuse will stop because the divorce is happening. Abusers frequently escalate during separation, and the period of leaving is often the most dangerous. What to do instead? Contact a domestic violence advocate, even if there has been no physical violence. Coercive control is abuse. Work with an attorney who understands power dynamics. ⁓ Create a safety plan that addresses physical safety, technology safety, and financial safety. If your children are being exposed to coercive control, they need professional support, and you may need a custody evaluation. Mediation safeguards. If mediation is considered at all in a coercive control situation, it should involve screening for power imbalances and intimate partner violence, counsel assisted mediation, where both parties have attorneys present. Shuttle mediation with separate rooms, separate arrival and departure times, virtual sessions when appropriate, the presence of a support person or advocate when allowed, and a clear understanding that litigation may be necessary when safety or good faith negotiation is not possible. AFCC publishes family court practice guidelines that specifically address these dynamics. Scenario 15. Post-divorce complications. What may be happening? The divorce is over, but a medication change causes destabilization. A relapse occurs. The other parent is hospitalized. A new partner introduces new instability. A custody dispute erupts because circumstances have fundamentally changed. What not to do? Don't panic. Do not handle it informally if the situation is serious. Do not assume the existing orders will protect you. If circumstances have fundamentally changed. What to do instead? Document the changes, contact your attorney about modification, make sure your children have support, review your crisis plan and update it. Remember that the post-divorce period still requires the same discipline of documentation, professional support, and emotional regulation. Communication rules. I want to give you a set of communication rules that apply across nearly every scenario we've discussed. Rule number one, use BIF. Brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Your emails and texts should be short, factual, polite, and clear. No essays, no emotional appeals, no sarcasm, no justification. This is like a business professional communicating with a difficult client. Rule number two, written communication. If your spouse's behavior is unpredictable or escalating, get everything in writing. Use a co-parenting app. Use email. Create a paper trail. Do not have verbal conversations about anything substantive unless your attorney has advised otherwise, and you understand your state's recording laws. Rule number three, do not jade. Do not justify, argue, defend, or explain. You do not owe your spouse an explanation for every decision. The schedule stands as written, is a complete sentence. Rule four, know when to stop responding. Not every message requires a reply. If the message is an emotional provocation with no actionable content, you're not obligated to respond. Silence is a boundary. Rule five, route through professionals. When communication becomes hostile, threatened or impossible, route it through your attorney or parenting coordinator. That's what they're for. Rule number six, never respond in the heat of the moment. Draft it, walk it, come back in an hour. Have your divorce coach or attorney review if the stakes are high. Your future self will thank you. Talking to your kids. This is the part that matters most. Your children are watching and they're listening. They're absorbing. And they need you to be the adult in the room, even when the other adult cannot be. Never badmouth the other parent, even when they deserve it, even when the kids already know, even when they tell you what the other parent said about you. Take the hit, absorb it, and model something different. Use age appropriate honesty. For younger children, mommy isn't feeling well right now, but she loves you and she's getting help from her doctors. For older children, Dad is going through some health challenges. That's his journey, and it doesn't change how much he loves you. What I want you to know is that you're safe and you're not responsible for fixing anything. Protect them from loyalty conflicts. You are allowed to love both of us. Loving one parent doesn't mean you're betraying the other. Your only job is to be a kid. Get them into therapy. Not because they're broken, because they are processing something complicated and they deserve a safe space with the trade professional. What children should never be asked to do: be messengers between parents, spy on the other household, serve as emotional caretakers, monitor a parent's sobriety, track a parent's medication, act as a suicide watch, report on a parent's new partner or living situation. AAP guidance and child development research are clear. Children need to be removed from adult conflict and supported by professionals when family instability is present. do not make them your confidant. I know it's tempting, especially with teenagers who seem mature enough to handle it. Don't do it. Get a therapist, get a coach, get a trusted friend. Your children are not your support system. Building the professional team. Divorcing a spouse whose behavior is destabilizing the process is not a solo sport. Here's your lineup. Family law attorney, non-negotiable. You need someone who has handled high conflict cases and understands mental health and illness dynamics and custody matters. Therapist for you, not your spouse, you. Ideally someone who is trauma informed and understands divorce. Child therapist for the kids. Make sure they specialize in children and family transitions. Divorce coach. That's where I come in. A coach helps you get organized, regulate your emotions, prepare for difficult conversations, and stay strategic when everything in your body wants to be reactive. It's both you personally and the process of divorce. Parenting coordinator. If direct co-parenting communication is too high conflict, a PC can make decisions on smaller disputes without going back and forth to court every time. A custody evaluator. If there are serious concerns about the other parent's capacity, a formal custody evaluation may be needed. This must come through the proper legal channels. A psychiatrist or physician. If mental health is a custody concern, there may be a role for psychiatric evaluation. But again, this must be handled through the legal process, not through your own initiative. Mediator. Only when it's safe. Mediation requires two people who can negotiate in good faith with relatively equal power. coercive control, severe instability, or intimidation is present, ⁓ may not be appropriate without significant safeguards. Screening, council-assisted sessions, shuttle formats, and other protective measures exist. Your attorney and a qualified mediator can help determine what's appropriate. A CDFA or financial professional. Divorce is a financial agreement. Unmanaged symptoms can lead to financial chaos. Protect yourself with proper financial guidance. Domestic violence advocate. If coercive control or safety concerns exist, an advocate can help you create a safety plan, address technology and financial safety, and navigate the legal system. Addiction specialist or recovery support. If addiction is part of the picture, specialized support exists for both the person struggling and the family member affected. The crisis plan checklist. Here's something I want every listener to build this week. I call it your crisis plan checklist. Even if you don't think you need it today, build it anyways, because the time to prepare for crisis is before it happens. emergency numbers saved in your phone. 988 for suicide and mental health. Crisis 911 for imminent danger. The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233. Two, your attorney's name, number, and after hours contact saved and accessible. Three, a domestic violence advocate or local crisis resource identified, even if you're not sure you need it yet. Four, a safe exchange location for custody transitions if needed. A police station, a public library, A school parking lot. Five, a co-parenting communication app set up and in use, our family wizard or talking parents. Six, a documentation system, a dedicated notebook, a secure folder on your phone, or a system your attorney is recommended. Seven, your child's therapist, pediatrician, and school counselor, contact information saved and accessible. two or three trusted adults who can help in a crisis. People who can pick up the kids, stay with you, or provide safe space. Print this list, put it in a drawer, save it in your phone. You may never need it, but if you do, you'll be glad it exists. Post divorce strategies. The decree gets signed, but the work is not over, especially in these cases. Build parallel parenting structures. If co parenting is impossible because the other parent's behavior is too volatile or unpredictable, co parenting is not the goal. Parallel parenting is. That means minimal direct communication. Detailed parenting plans that leave little room for interpretation or conflict. Exchanges at neutral locations. Communication only through apps. Each parent manages their own household without input from the other. Maintain your documentation habit. Even after the divorce, especially if custody modifications might be needed down the road. your professional team accessible. Your attorney, your therapist, your coach. Know how to reach them quickly if things escalate. Invest in your own nervous system regulation. Yoga, breath work, exercise, meditation, whatever works for you. Divorcing someone in crisis leaves marks on your nervous system. You don't just get over it. You train your body to come back to baseline. Design your next chapter. This is the U 2.0 philosophy. You've reclaimed your autonomy. You've rebooted your system, your routines, your boundaries, your team. Now you become the next version of yourself, not the version you were before the marriage, not the person you were in it, but someone entirely new, someone designed with intention. Now here's what not to do. The quick list. Do not diagnose your spouse. Not publicly, not on social media, not in legal filings, not in front of the children. Do not try to manage their mental health. That's their work with their professionals. Do not withhold the children from other parents in violation of court orders. If there is immediate danger, prioritize safety first. Contact emergency services, document what happened, and contact your attorney as soon as possible. Do not put children in danger to comply with an order. Do not make unilateral custody decisions without legal guidance. not go to traditional mediation without safeguards. If there is a serious power imbalance, coercive control, or active danger. Do not minimize suicidal statements ever. Do not ignore active addiction ever. Do not ignore abuse, ever. Do not wait for them to stabilize before you start building your plan. Do not let guilt replace strategy. Do not sacrifice your sanity on the altar of someone else's pain. ⁓ I know that was a lot. Let me give you five things you can do this week. One, start documenting. Use a notebook or a secure app. Write down behaviors, dates, times, exact words, and impacts. Facts only, no editorializing. And ask your attorney about your state's recording laws before you record anything. Two, assess your professional team. You have an attorney, a therapist, a coach. If you're missing a key player, make that call this week. Three, audit your communication. Are you engaging in emotional back and forth? Switch to Biff, brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Four, check in on your kids, not as an interrogation, just presence. Ask them how they're doing. Listen more than you talk. If they're showing signs of stress, consider getting them into therapy. Five, build your crisis plan, especially if you think you don't need it. I want to make sure this episode leaves you with actual resources, not just ideas. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988. Chat at 988Lifeline.org available 247. 911 or Local Emergency Services for Imminent Danger. National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-7233. Or text start to 88788-AVAILE 247. SAMHSA Find Treatment.gov for mental health and substance use treatment directories. NAMI Family Support Groups, peer-led groups for family members of people living with mental health conditions, visit NAMI.org. Local child protective services or law enforcement. When your child safety is at risk, your family law attorney, the most important professional in your corner, a qualified child therapist for your kids, a trauma-informed therapist. For you, a certified divorce coach for strategy, organization, and emotional regulation throughout the process and beyond. Keep these in your phone. Share them with anyone else who needs them. So here's my closing reflection, and I want to leave you with something. Divorce when your spouse is struggling with their mental health can feel like trying to build a bridge in a storm. But your job is not to control the storm. Your job is to build structure, protect your children, preserve your sanity, and move forward with clarity. I want to be honest with you. This is hard. It's harder than regular divorce, which is already one of the most stressful things a person can go through. There will be days when you feel guilty for moving forward. There will be days when you feel scared. There will be days when you doubt yourself. But here's what I know from living through it and from coaching hundreds of people through it. On the other side of this, there's a version of you that is stronger, clearer, more intentional, more free than the person who's listening right now. You're not starting over, you're designing your next chapter. You can have compassion for someone's pain without volunteering to being destroyed by their instability. Hold that, live that, build from that. If this episode resonated with you, here's what I'm asking. Subscribe to the podcast, leave a review, share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. You might be the reason someone stops white knuckling their way through this alone. Check out my books, U2.0, Divorce a Better Way Forward, the U2.0 Workbook, and the new co-parenting playbook, all available on Amazon and www.reclaimandreboot.me. If you need support, Go to reclaimandrebot.me and book a free 30-minute consultation. No pitch, no pressure, just a conversation about where you are and where you want to go. And if you or someone you love is in crisis, please reach out to 988 for suicide and mental health crisis, 911 for imminent danger, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233. You don't have to navigate this alone. Treatment works, support exists, and asking for help. is the strongest thing you can do. Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing the hard work. Thanks for choosing clarity over chaos and strategy over suffering. I'm Justin Milrad and this is a Conscious Divorce Podcast. And I'll see you the next time. Have a wonderful day.