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38. Divorce Trauma have you Majorly Triggered? Navigating your Dysregulated Nervous System · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, today we are talking about feeling confused, upset and weak, and we're gonna do it through the storytelling lens of me sharing with you my day so far.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Isn't that fun.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I told you earlier this year that this is the year where I embrace, going full out and sharing all of the bits and pieces of me with you, so that you can see we really are all in this together and we are all working on the same things And a lot of what we experience in life.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: The lessons they circle back around and ideally, when they circle back around, we've leveled up so they're maybe a little easier.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: We move through them with a smoothness.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: But the truth is is I know you because I am you, so let's dig in.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: So this morning I woke up feeling confused, upset and weak.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Now, those were not the words that came to mind, but they are the words that I figured out I needed to share with you.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: The word that came to mind to me first thing this morning is I'm really dysregulated.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Now, as a trauma informed therapist, saying to myself I'm really dysregulated makes a lot of sense, but then later in the day, my husband told me that even he doesn't know what I mean when I say I'm really dysregulated.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh geez, i thought TikTok had solved this for me.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I thought I thought the world understood now what it means to be dysregulated.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: So my word for confused, upset and weak is really central nervous system dysregulated.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: But we're gonna unpack all of that, okay, love.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: So what was going on this morning that I woke up that way?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Well, i think you'll relate to a lot of this.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: I have definitely been pushing out of my comfort zone lately, challenging myself to show up differently in the world, and so I feel exposed, i feel self doubt And I feel nervous sometimes about how I'm carrying all of this newness into, how I'm showing up.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: And then life happens right.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: So, as I'm sure you've heard me mention, i struggle with I shouldn't even say that I am always healing in the body especially.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So sometimes I'm really in touch with feeling discomfort in my body due to some historical health stuff, and so, you know, that's been going on a little louder for the last couple of months.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: And then my kid got sick this weekend And she, you know, is running a pretty solid fever the last couple of days.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: And I've been embracing this homeopathic journey where I'm learning so much about homeopathy and its various remedies, and so I started treating her for a fever with homeopathic remedies, while also embracing the science of Advil.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: And I love the combination of those two, because that is a combination.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: I have always celebrated, the blend of science and spirituality.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And so this weekend I was kind of juggling all of that, like, okay, i don't feel great, she doesn't feel great, you know, i'm learning something new, i'm doing some things new, that's all okay, i can handle it.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I'm home in my house with my people And there's no pressure this weekend, right, well.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: But this morning rolls around and at 6am she cruises into the bedroom and she's full blown fever, and so, great, i can handle that, i know what to do.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: But now I've got to handle that in addition to my day, my work day, my own day, and suddenly all this stuff came crashing into my brain that I couldn't figure out how to manage and I was like crap.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: But it felt wobbly, it felt like I was confused, it felt like I was upset, it felt like I was exposed and weak.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: And I really, once I got her medicated and watching a great show on Netflix, i could kind of sit with myself for a bit, figure out what is going on here.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: You know, what's fascinating is the thing that seemed to be really tripping me up this is wild is my amazing cleaning crew was coming to the house today to clean the house and I felt like, oh gosh, they're gonna see us like.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: This, isn't that interesting.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: That that's the thing that kind of pushed me over the edge.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And then I was like I've got to talk to my loves today on the pod and I've got to bring this to them in a way that makes sense for them, that helps them right, and so I've got to figure out how to get this into a message that makes sense for you today.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: And so it was this stuff about being seen in the mess that was the tipping point in me feeling confused, upset and weak, this idea that I was exposed, that I was now going to be struggling the struggle in front of each of you, and so, as I sat with that and I breathed through that, i was able to move into acceptance, which we've been talking about a bit here, right, releasing the resistance in order to move into the solution.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: And after I breathed with it for a while and found some acceptance, the thought did pop in Remember, don, everything is okay.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: There is a bigger picture here.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Let go of any of the worry about getting it right or doing it well, or what the people think about you, whether or not they like you or whether or not you're pleasing them, because I know my intention, i know my heart is pure, i know that my job is to be so me, for you and for me.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: That that's it.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: That's the whole story.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: So, after all of that, i no longer felt confused.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I knew what to do, i knew what steps to take in order to move forward, and so let's talk about how you can do that in a meaningful way when you're feeling confused, upset and weak, or what I would call dysregulated.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Let's start with what is your central nervous system And what do you mean?
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: dysregulated right?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So we all have this highway that runs from the base of our spine and our tailbone up into our brainstem, and it's the highway that communicates all of the information that our brain has, that our body has, back and forth between the brain and the body.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: It's called the central nervous system And pretty clever right, and so there's constant feedback going back and forth between the brain and the body about what is going on in the brain and the body, and one of the key things that it's always communicating about is safety and security.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Safety and security.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Now, when the brain or the body perceive that it is not safe or secure, it sets off alarm bells in various ways, and you've heard all of this before right, fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: You understand cortisol levels and stress hormones and anxiety and panic and right.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: All of this is built into the body in order to help us survive and to keep us safe.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: The thing is is that we've evolved quite a bit since we became equipped with the central nervous system and, like OG, humans needed this to know when the Tyrannosaur was chasing them, for instance.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Right, and so anymore, typically, the Tyrannosaur isn't chasing us and typically a lot of the feeling of not safe and not secure, a lot of it, is being perpetuated by our own thoughts.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Now, there are many of you who have experienced really dangerous situations, and maybe some of them were in your marriage.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: But the reality is is, once those are over and we are once again safe, unless we do a good job of allowing the brain and the body to circulate that message consistently, then we live in this hyper aroused place of oh gosh, i'm not safe and I'm not secure.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: And so then that just perpetuates the thoughts about the thing that made you feel like the Tyrannosaur was chasing you, and it's like an endless feedback loop of danger.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Now, there are a lot of things that we accidentally do that keep us in this state of hyper arousal, or what I would call dysregulation.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: But what you know you might relate to as confused, upset or weak, and some of those things are you know, running, like running is, can be acute or your central nervous system that you're not safe.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Watching scary movies, watching the news forget about scary movies.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Just watching the news is a sign that you're not safe, right?
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Anything that is gonna cause your adrenaline to spike consistently is going to give your central nervous system the cue that something dangerous is happening.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: So when you're getting into conflict, that is not being easily resolved or managed.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Well, when you are not sleeping enough, when you are not giving your body the proper nutrition, when even, for instance, when I go lift weights with Colleen you've heard me talk about how much I love it and, ps, i got a chin-up PR on Friday last week, super pumped about that but when I push myself too hard in those workouts and I don't rest enough in between sets, that is queuing my body that I'm not safe because it's such high volume activity.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: There's certain stress hormones that get released.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: So we it's about being able to be in touch with that feedback loop via the central nervous system that's happening between the brain and the body and recognizing the cues that say, hey, something is going on Alright.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: So that's the central nervous system.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: When it's regulated, things feel at ease, you feel safe, you feel secure, you feel clear-headed, you can remember that the universe has your back, you have some awareness, you're maybe funny and you know, just like on point right, you're just like feeling it.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: When you're not those things, there's a clue that your central nervous system needs some regulation.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: So how do we regulate the central nervous system?
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Well, one of there are two main ways that I want you to hear.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And then there are so many other ways and we talk about this all the time.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: I'm just kind of tying it up in a little bow for you here.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: But the two main ways we can begin to regulate the central nervous system is to harness our thoughts.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Are you thinking positive things or are you thinking scary things?
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: scary, upset things, right.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: So first, harnessing your thoughts and and pumping the brakes there and saying like whoa, whoa, whoa, what do my thoughts sound like right now?
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Let me shift into some positive, leaning thoughts.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: Whatever's happening here is manageable.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I can.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: There's a solution here.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I am held by the universe.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Let me phone a friend, whatever, it is right that helps you, take a beat and say oh wait, things may not be as bleak as I'm feeling like they are right now.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Right, that's the first thing.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Harness your thoughts and shift the tone of your thoughts.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: The second thing is your breath Now.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Check out your breath right now.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Is it expanded?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Is it deep?
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Can it reach down into your diaphragm?
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Can it fill up your whole chest or are you shallow breathing Now?
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: just that chronic shallow breathing is reinforcing that message between your brain and your body that you're not safe.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: So our breath, when we take a big, deep breath with a slower exhale, we are queuing that dialogue between the brain and the body that all is well.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: And when we do that enough times, paired with positive thought, that's the good stuff.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Right there, right.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: So then of course, the ancillary things are when we're getting enough rest and when our body has the right nutrients, when we're hugging right, when we smell something good, when we there's so many central nervous system hacks.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: You know there's this nerve called the vagus nerve that runs in the central nervous system there and that's we don't need to get into the whole thing, but but you can access the vagus nerve You've heard me say this before by you know, running your pinky finger inside your ear canal in little circles and it tells your vagus nerve and your, which tells your central nervous system Hey, we're okay.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Right, sitting outside with a tree tells your body, hey, it's safe.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: The sun on your face tells your body, hey, it's safe.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: There are so many things that can cue that, but the key is to recognize when you're dysregulated so that you can take some action steps to get regulated.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: So what did I do this morning when I figured out I was dysregulated, aka confused upset week, right, i said, okay, what?
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: what do I need to do?
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: All right, i need to communicate with some people.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I need to email the teacher.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: She's not coming in today.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I need to oh, ps producer Joy is out today because her kid's sick too.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: So that was right.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Another thing I need to get with Joy, figure out how her family's doing, let her know how my family's doing, let her know how my family's doing.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I need to get with Colleen and tell her I can't come work out today.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: I need to, you know, re-roll a plan for the, the podcast this afternoon.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: But first things first.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: I need to get a shower, because for me, a shower is one of the most central nervous system regulating things I do.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: So some deep breaths and a shower, and I knew I was gonna come out way more grounded and able to tackle all this stuff.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Now, after some deep breaths in a shower, i grabbed my sick kid and I said hey, let's go out for a walk, a gentle walk outside.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: It's a sunny day here, even though it's winter, it's a sunny day, and I knew that a gentle walk was gonna further ground me and I knew it was gonna help move the virus that she's fighting through her lymphatic system and that was gonna help her heal.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: So I was like I am winning here, i get a walk buddy To help me get grounded and regulated and to help her be well.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: And you know, then I went about my day, started checking some things off of my list.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Checking things off your list helps you get a little dopamine.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: The walk, a little serotonin These are all things that can cue your central nervous system.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: That all is well right.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I talked to a friend and asked for help there and that was very soothing.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: It was like an long time friend who just feels like home to hear her voice.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: And so one of the things I mentioned to her too is that feeling of being exposed.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Today, as I was feeling wobbly and felt like it felt scary for everyone to really see me wobbly, and she said, oh man, you know, yes, we all need to hear that Record that one, dawn.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: She said it's super relatable to her too.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: And so If you've been watching TikToks about central nervous system regulation, dysregulation, one of my favorite people that I follow, who talks a lot about how a regulated nervous system is the key to so much healing, so much wellness, is Lindsay Lockett.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I follow her on Instagram.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I'll definitely add her to the show notes so that you can check her out.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: She does a lot of cool, um, cool courses and trainings about how to regulate your central nervous system Really really powerful information.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Now, when you've had some trauma, whether it's from this marriage that you're recovering from or from childhood, or probably both, know that unless you're working through that trauma to resolve it, like with something, for instance, like EMDR, that trauma that's living in your brain is also constantly queuing to your central nervous system, that it's not safe.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And so, even when we learn all of the really valuable insights about how to regulate, if the trauma lives on locked in the brainstem, not fully reprocessed or desensitized, you're kind of not fully optimized because that content lives on in there, telling telling your brain, which is telling your body, which is telling your brain nope, it's not over yet.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Cause that's the thing about trauma, right Is?
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: it causes a portion of your mind to feel frozen in the time in which the trauma happened.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: And so, while, while the trauma is not still happening, the brain keeps telling the body and the body keeps telling the body and the brain keeps telling the body and the body keeps telling the brain that it is because that trauma gets locked in a room in the mind, and it does that so that we don't have to feel the intensity of the thing the whole time.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: But this is why, um, remedies like EMDR are so powerful And even, as I'm learning, remedies like homeopathy are so powerful, because EMDR is unlocking the brain part and the body part, and the homeopathy is very much unlocking the body part and then the brain part.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Right, they, they're just so complimentary of one another, and I'm still kind of mind blown that those two things were ever siloed from each other, right?
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: How did we ever get body medicine and mind medicine and spirit medicine?
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Why are they?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: why are they separate?
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I'm here to bring them together, right?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: That's part of what makes for really whole and efficient healing is healing at every level at once, because we are mind, body, spirit beings, and so I'm really here for that.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: So if you've been feeling confused, upset and weak, i want to first remind you that, love, you are okay.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: You are okay, and what you're experiencing is really normal conversation that your brain is having with your body, is having with your brain And your.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Your best line of defense and offense is to learn how to tap into that communication that's happening between your brain and your body and to use it to your advantage so that when you're feeling dysregulated, you're like I know what to do.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I know how to access this highway that goes between my brain and my body and to communicate it to it.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: That that all as well.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: So you know some of the things I was doing this weekend that was making it worse.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: I was complaining about some shit.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, i did that This weekend.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I was complaining about some old shit, and do you know that?
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: that was me not supporting my central nervous system, right?
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Because I was talking about the things that make a low vibration, that tell the central nervous system that something bad was or is still happening.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: So just know that.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: This is why, ooh, i talk about venting sometimes.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I posted something to Instagram Stories this week and y'all got upset with me about why venting in therapy isn't useful.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: And this is it right, Because when you vent in therapy and by venting I mean like really kind of rehashing a thing over and over again rather than getting into productivity When you rehash a thing over and over again, it's queuing that central nervous system communication response between the brain and the body, that it's not over, that it's not safe, and so it's really, really delicious to kind of let all of this click into place and be like oh, oh.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: The reason I feel so poorly is because I'm not hacking this highway.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: It goes between the brain and the body.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Now I know you are getting this and eating it up and it's making sense, and so I am thrilled to have you start applying some of these things and maybe even watching some TikToks and are following Lindsay Lockett about all the different ways you can queue your central nervous system, because there are so, so, so many, so find the ones that work best for you.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait to hear how it's going.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I love you so much peace.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: ["my Coach John"].
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by My Coach John.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachJohncom.