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The Attachment Style Quietly Running Your Marriage with Dr. Diane · Libido Lounge

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  Low desire is typically not what most people think it is.
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  There's more to the problem than just low testosterone.
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  There's also many other things that are driving low desire.
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  Things that happen in childhood that set up our nervous systems, our nervous system feels safe
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  or not.
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  Consciously, they're driving behaviors.
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  My desire needs safety to switch on, and right now my nervous system doesn't feel safe.
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  The more we're aware of them in our body, in our mind, what is happening, the easier it is
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  to change and heal and repair these things.
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  Hey everybody!
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  Welcome to another episode of the Lounge.
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  I'm really excited to continue some of last week's conversation where we were talking about
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  the Gottmins' Four Horsemen and the four biggest things that tend to cause a major rift
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  in oftentimes divorce in a relationship.
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  And we're gonna further this conversation by going into attachment theory and talking a
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  little bit about what attachment theory is, and in particular how the attachment theory and the
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  psychological frame that we view the world from, that we view safety, our partners, that
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  our nervous system has wiring around, how it relates to our desire, and how it relates to
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  sexual intimacy.
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  This is really important because low desire is typically not what most people think it is.
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  Oftentimes, talk about hormones and circulation, and absolutely they can play a big
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  role in low desire, but it's also really common that people go to their doctor, they get on
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  testosterone replacement therapy, and sometimes it fixes things, and that's great, but a lot of
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  times I find that it is not fixing the problem, and it's because there is more to the problem
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  than just low testosterone.
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  So medically, there can be reasons for low desire, and we want to look at those things.
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  But there's also many other things that are driving low desire.
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  Now, sometimes people think it's low attraction and that the attraction is lost, and this is
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  also possible, but it's a lot more rare in surveys.
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  It's a lot more rare than people think.
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  Of course, we can lose attraction for our partner, but oftentimes this is not the problem
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  either.
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  So attachment theory is super interesting in really looking at what happens to our nervous
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  system from childhood, and it's basically things that happen in childhood that set up our
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  nervous system so that our nervous system feels safe or not.
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  Safety in this perspective is what we're talking about intimately.
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  So, attachment there, we're going to go into this, and then we're going to talk a little bit
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  about why this is related to sex, why this is related to intimacy, and we're going to talk a
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  little bit too about what you can do about it.
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  So I always wanna give you guys solutions, so we're gonna talk about solutions in this
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  episode as well.
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  But first, I wanna make sure that you guys are all aware of this because one of the things
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  that I find in solving things is the more we're aware of them in our body, in our mind, what is
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  happening, the easier it is to change and heal and repair these things.
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  Attachment theory was coined back in about the 1950s, and it was coined by John Bowlby.
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  Now, there's been several researchers, several psychoanalysts since then, Mary Ainsworth is
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  another one, that have taken John Bowlby's work and really expanded upon it.
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  Mary Ainsworth, her work was super interesting because she basically looked at it was a study
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  to see when a caregiver left an infant or a toddler in a room and then returned, how was
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  the child responding.
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  What they were looking for is, Okay, well, is the child easily comforted when mom returns?
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  Is the child distressed when the mother leaves, but not very soothed?
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  Or is the child just completely disinterested in any of it?
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  And all of these can tell us a little bit about how the nervous system is being wired, which is
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  going to directly relate to our intimate and sex life.
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  And so the attachment styles are formed pretty early because it's really about how our needs
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  were met.
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  And remember, we don't remember a lot of these times, right?
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  So from zero to four, most of us have very few, if any, memories at all.
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  And so all of these things then are programs around our needs that are really in us and in
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  our neurological system, subconsciously.
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  They're driving behaviors and they're subconscious because they were formed so, so,
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  so young.
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  Now one of the things that as we go through these and you start identifying, we're going to
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  talk about four different styles of attachment, and we're going to talk about how the nervous
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  system handles closeness and intimacy depending upon which of these styles you are.
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  Now, if you're recognizing yourself in one of the less desirable styles, one of the most
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  important things to understand is these are malleable.
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  We know through neuroplasticity, we know that we can change our nervous system, that it is
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  not simply like your nerves are wired this way and you are just set up to live this way the
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  rest of your life.
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  So the point of listening to this is to really say, Oh, this is what my imbalance is and this
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  is what I know to do as far as then making it move to a more balanced style.
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  So just listen for that and just practice loving self kindness, softness, all of that as
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  you're listening.
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  Now there's four ways our nervous system will handle closeness.
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  So one is secure.
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  So when somebody has a secure attachment style, they're going to have a tendency to be
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  comfortable with closeness and the dependence.
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  They're going to ask directly, ask direct questions, and when something comes up with
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  conflict, a secure person is going to be easily able to repair.
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  They're easily able to trust.
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  They're easily able to ask directly.
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  They're easily able to receive feedback, and they're able to navigate conflict very well.
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  They're able to navigate their intimate life very well.
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  Now somebody that is another attachment style is called anxious or preoccupied, and this
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  particular style craves connection.
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  They tend to fear abandonment.
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  One of the things with this person is since they fear abandonment, this is somebody that,
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  let's say that they try to flirt again.
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  Maybe you haven't flirted in a long time and they tried to start flirting and you didn't
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  respond.
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  Right?
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  And that could send them off on a subconscious level, remember this is a subconscious, a
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  trigger about being abandoned.
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  Now they might react in ways that feel more anxiety provoking or anxiety ridden, I should
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  say, but oftentimes it comes from this other thing that left them feeling a sense of not
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  secure.
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  They had a need, they reached out, and that need didn't get met.
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  So one of the things that can really help to calm an anxious person is reassurance.
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  Reassurance is going to calm, distance is going to set it off.
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  So, the avoidantdismissive is another one of these four.
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  So, we have secure, anxious, avoidant.
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  The avoidantdismissive, this third one, really prioritizes independence.
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  So, this person is going to deal with stress by disappearing.
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  And so sometimes closeness can feel like pressure, so if things can start getting too
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  close, they can back off.
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  And what's interesting about these attachment styles too is I find that when people are in
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  the honeymoon stage of their relationship, none of these oftentimes are triggered.
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  It's oftentimes when people start having kids, for example.
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  That's a big time I see attachment styles in relationship really start to show up in people
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  I talk to.
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  It's like once there's that stress of like, Okay, now we're taking care of the home and the
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  jobs and the kids, and it's a lot for the nervous system, there's a lot of stress, and so
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  therefore we revert to some of our core desired wounds, core wounds that we're talking about
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  here.
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  So for the fourth attachment styles, have secure, anxious, avoidant, and the fourth is
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  called disorganized.
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  And the disorganized really wants closeness and they fear it at once.
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  The disorganized is oftentimes going to show up like an anxious person sometimes and an
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  avoidant person other times.
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  So sometimes they're going to need a lot of closeness, other times they're just going to
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  need their own space.
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  And it can feel like a yo yo of like, what does this person even want?
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  Now, most people are going to carry some pattern.
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  Some research has shown that maybe up to 60% are secure most of the time and that 40% or so
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  carry some insecure pattern, but research varies, And most people are going to carry some
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  level of when they're in a heightened stress of something they fall back on.
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  So remember, another thing is that most adults have a primary and secondary style, So even if
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  you're secure, right?
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  So even if your primary style is secure, it's incredibly possible that under the right
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  stressors and the right situation, you might revert to one of these other attachment styles.
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  Right?
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  So even if you're like, you know, you're showing up most of the time secure, that can
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  change under high stress.
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  Now how does this show up in the bedroom?
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  So the anxious attachment style in the bedroom is going to really use sex to restore
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  closeness.
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  So if they are having sex regularly, it says to them on a level, We're still okay.
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  They might read that if there's not a lot of spontaneous desire, that this is a rejection.
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  A partner's not tonight, I'm not in the mood, feel like not tonight can feel like not you.
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  I'm not into you anymore.
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  They might also struggle to voice their own pleasure.
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  So anybody that's followed by work for a while knows that one of the things I talk a lot about
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  is that we have to voice our own pleasure, and we have to do this in a way when we voice our
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  own pleasure, what we're doing is we are allowing ourselves to advocate for what feels
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  good, what turns us on, and that's a huge direct relationship with voicing our own
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  pleasure to having a very healthy sex life.
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  Now, that is a struggle for a lot of people, so one of the things with that too, with the
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  voicing with your own pleasure, is you can then, if you start to struggle with that,
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  that's a sign that you might be more of an anxious attachment style in bed.
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  So the anxious attachment style, could sum it up by saying, If we're not having sex, there's
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  a concern that we're still okay.
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  There's that direct relationship.
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  Now the avoidant person in bed is going to equate emotional closeness with vulnerability,
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  and vulnerability with discomfort.
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  So intimacy is rationed.
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  So basically, the idea of this is if I'm too vulnerable, if I'm too intimate, I could become
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  exposed.
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  So it's this thing of keeping at a distance.
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  And remember, we all tend to have a primary and secondary form of these.
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  I want us to take a quick break from our podcast to say, did you know that arousal and
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  desire are different for women and men?
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  Many women think they are no longer interested in sex, for example, because they are waiting
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  for their brain to think about having sex when they need to get into their body first.
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  So often, we think we are sexually incompatible or there's desire discrepancy simply because we
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  do not know the differences in how men's and women's brains are programmed around sex and
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  how to work them to our advantage.
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  In addition, communication breakdown, busyness, habits, routines, boredom, lack of novelty, and
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  so many things drive people to have passion less or less passionate long term relationships
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  than they used to have.
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  This is fixable.
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  And I show you how to do all of this and more in my Hot Monogamy Society.
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  You can find links in the show notes below.
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  I hope you will join me to discover and explore how to bring passion back.
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  And you can do this as a couple, but know that even if it is just one of you that is
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  interested in joining us, there's so much magic that can happen, so much change and improvement
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  by one person taking the initiative to bring passion back into the relationship.
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  Now, let's get back to our episode.
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  So just because somebody has a anxious or avoidant style, it might not mean this is
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  showing up all the time.
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  The idea is this is under stress, under life circumstances that are some things that are
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  causing our nervous system to need to come online or to step up more, that our nervous
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  system could go into some of these other mechanisms.
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  So, it doesn't mean this has to be there all the time, but if you're feeling like you or
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  your partner has this thing around this push pull and sometimes feels like there's a little
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  distance, and if sometimes you're finding yourself saying something like, I'm fine, I
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  just need a little space, those kind of things could be a sign that you are feeling avoidant.
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  Now, of course, there's always this is where it's a fine line, because there's always
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  something we said about taking some space and having some space for yourself, and everybody
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  needs a level of alone time.
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  Especially if you're an introvert, you might need more alone time than an extrovert.
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  We're not saying that here, so having a little bit of you time is not what we're talking
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  about.
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  What we're talking about is creating intentional distance.
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  It's one thing to give your partner a hug and give your partner some love and just how much
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  you care about them and spend some time with them, and then say, Hey, I just need a little
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  alone time now.
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  That's a very different thing than avoiding a conversation, avoiding intimacy, pushing back
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  and just saying, I need space.
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  Right?
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  So that's more the flavor of it.
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  So it's not about being an introvert.
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  It's not about taking that space.
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  It's about the way it's taking in this push way where it's a I'm deliberately not engaging and
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  making my partner feel safe.
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  So another thing that an avoidant might do in bed is they might start avoiding some of the
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  intimacy parts, meaning maybe there's less eye contact, maybe the touch doesn't linger as
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  long, maybe there's not as much cuddling afterwards.
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  So they might show up to sex in a performative way, but they might find these other ways of
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  withdrawing intimately.
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  Now a secure person in bed is going to initiate without fear.
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  They're going to reach for their partner from desire, not from anxiety.
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  They can decline without guilt or a threat, so hearing a no or saying a no doesn't have any
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  meaning on the relationship other than, Hey, just like tonight's not a good night for
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  whatever reason.
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  They can repair when something's gone down, they can talk about what happens without
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  shutting down, without stewing, or without going away.
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  So this is going to be the secure person is going to be more in a thing of, Not tonight,
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  honey, but thank you so much for initiating.
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  I love when you reach out to me like this.
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  I'm just not feeling it tonight.
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  Right?
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  So again, this is not a perfection thing where we're going to probably reach this all of the
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  time, but the goal is with this is to get more secure in our nervous system so that we reach
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  this point more and more often.
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  And then the fourth one I did not mention, the disorganized, because disorganized, remember,
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  is like a combination of the anxious and avoidant.
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  So it's going to look sometimes like that anxious around like, Oh, we need sex to restore
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  closeness, and sometimes like that avoidant of pushing away and disappearing.
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  And so, one of the things that happens, and this happens in new relationship energy
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  sometimes, but it happens oftentimes in long term relationships where people don't even
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  realize they have this cycle.
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  So there's this pursuewithdraw cycle.
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  In the pursuewithdraw cycle, what happens is the one person, many times an anxious person
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  because it's not uncommon for an anxious and avoidant to be together.
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  What will happen is the pursuer pushes harder and harder and harder for that attention, that
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  touch, that support, that intimacy.
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  And then if that partner is avoidant, then the partner would withdraw more and more and leave
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  for space.
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  The more the pursuer pushes, the anxious person pushes, the more the withdrawal pulls away.
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  So, what winds up happening is through this, it's this level of creating this loop, this
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  vicious loop, and it just pulls people further and further away.
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  People think, Oh, we have desire mismatch.
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  It's not desire mismatch so much as they're just stuck in this nervous system loop.
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  And so another thing to understand about desire here is that and this is where we're going to
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  start to get into some solutions as well.
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  Another thing to understand about desire is that desire is responsive more than
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  spontaneous.
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  Spontaneous oftentimes is out of the blue.
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  It's like that hunger comes first, then that closeness, and this is the cultural script of
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  how desire should feel.
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  It's just like, Oh, God, I want you so bad right now.
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  That's a spontaneous desire.
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  Responsive desire grows out of closeness.
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  This is more what's common in a long term relationship.
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  Often times people, if they're not experiencing spontaneous desire, they think there's no
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  desire, and it's that they're just experiencing responsive desire.
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  So, responsive desire is going to grow out of closeness, safety, touch, connection first, and
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  arousal follows.
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  So, this is common in long term relationships and also especially common with women.
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  And so, the idea with this is like, Oh, when we are feeling when I'm feeling safe, when I'm
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  feeling touched, when I'm feeling connection, when I feel like there's this deep sense of
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  connection with this partner, arousal follows that.
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  So it's not just spontaneous out of nowhere, spontaneous out of, Oh, you look so hot today.
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  It's responsive to a situation.
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  It's responsive to a touch or closeness feeling.
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  And so, oftentimes we think that relationship is broken when we don't have spontaneous
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  desire, and it's just that in longevity in long term relationships, we really move more into a
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  responsive desire.
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  One of the things that can happen is when we are insecurely attached, we're sabotaging this
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  responsive desire because we have the anxious partner that is missing the spontaneous spark.
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  And so, they start to panic when this isn't happening, and they start chasing higher, and
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  that adds pressure and then kills the desire.
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  And then we have the avoidant partner that oftentimes is missing the emotional cues, and
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  they're waiting for this spark of spontaneity.
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  And the responsive desire doesn't work that way, and so the avoidant partner can then feel
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  hurt, and they start to withdraw.
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  So this is how we get into this loop that mentioned where it just goes in circles and it
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  never switches off.
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  So low libido oftentimes could be more accurately said with something along the lines
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  of my desire needs safety to switch on, and right now my nervous system doesn't feel safe.
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  That is what low with desire often is.
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  And again, that subconscious, it doesn't mean that you're going to name I don't feel safe.
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  It's more related to our childhood nervous system programming and how we are set up.
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  So, one of the things in how to heal from this, want to start talking about, like with
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  ourselves as well as with our partner, is naming things out loud.
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  So, we want to think about how we can name what is going on with us.
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  So, for example, like, you're feeling a little bit like, you need reassurance.
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  You could even say something like, my anxious side's feeling loud tonight.
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  I I really need a little reassurance, and I'm not trying to pressure you.
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  Right?
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  So it can feel in those moments, like, you know, if you're feeling like you want your
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  partner to come on to you and it's not happening, it could come you could easily say
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  something like, you never want me.
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  You're so cold.
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  But that's going to put the partner on trial.
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  That's going to lead to defensiveness.
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  That's going to lead to safety going down.
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  So instead of saying you, we turn it around and we say I.
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  We say like, Hey, I'm just feeling a little anxious and I really need a little bit of
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  reassurance.
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  I don't want to pressure you, but I just wanted to share what I need.
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  So now it's about me.
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  It's my own needs, and I'm taking on the responsibility of my needs without it making it
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  seem like a partner is doing something wrong.
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  You might say, Well, the partner is doing something wrong.
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  And maybe they are, but that's not really the point here.
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  The point is in order to get these needs met and help us feel safe and help us get our
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  intimacy needs met, it doesn't tend to work if we put it on this other person, even if they
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  also have some level of responsibility.
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  Usually one of the first steps is to turn it around ourselves and actually say, Well, what
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  do I need in this moment?
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  So one of the things I would invite you to try this week, also in thinking about, Okay, well,
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  what do we do about it?
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  That's always the biggest thing.
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  Is if you think that you lean more avoidant, so I'm going to give you an exercise for if you
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  lean avoidant and another exercise for if you lean anxious.
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  And then remember, if you are disorganized where you lean between either, you can trial
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  either exercise.
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  So if you think you lean more avoidant, try to offer a small, low pressure connection.
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  So try to initiate.
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  This might be a twenty second hug, a long held glance.
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  Connection with no agenda.
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  The goal with this is no demand, no you're not trying to get anything out of it, but you're
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  trying to initiate the connection versus draw away and waiting for somebody to come to you.
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  So that's what you want to practice.
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  If you're anxious, then one of the things that you want to practice is really self soothing.
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  This is where you say, I am activated, but I'm not in danger.
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  That's some of that dialogue.
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  Something has got me feeling a little out of balance, but I'm safe.
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  Then you can work with breath, movement, etc, and then still reaching out for support, but
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  the idea is practicing like, Okay, that's self soothing, and then reaching out from a calm
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  place and say, Hey, I really need a little bit of assurance here.
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  And that will come across very differently than if you're reaching out with this kind of
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  intensity that can come with this.
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  And these sound simple, but I realize they're not easy.
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  Think one of the things when we're talking about our nervous system from childhood, we're
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  talking about our nervous system being wired for decades a certain way.
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  So that's what I think makes these things it's like the most how does the line go?
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  There's a song.
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  There's an Indigo Girls song that I used to the hardest things are the least complicated.
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  That's what it is.
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  It's like not complicated.
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  Right?
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  But it is really hard because our nervous system is so programmed here.
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  And one thing too is I do want to come back to say that it is bigger than just attachment as
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  far as desire.
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  We started out saying, Okay, well testosterone circulation.
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  The attachment is a big thing, but one of the biggest things I always like people to know is
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  if I were to draw out a pie chart of everything that impacted desire, I would probably have
• 24:41
  fifty, sixty, 70 pieces of pie.
• 24:44
  So the thing I like people to know with this is the more different pieces of the pie that we
• 24:50
  address, the more we'll get back to having a healthy, desired, intimate life.
• 24:55
  And so you can always go and take my libido quiz.
• 24:59
  So if you go to libidoquiz.com, you'll have a free quiz there that will also answer some
• 25:05
  questions about desire and help you understand some of your root causes as far as desire.
• 25:09
  So that's something to consider, but the biggest thing is with this, I find that
• 25:13
  attachment is a very important part of this, just like testosterone is a very important part
• 25:18
  of this.
• 25:19
  But neither one of these seem to really 100% fix desire.
• 25:23
  It's about fixing all of the different root causes, and that's what the point of this
• 25:27
  podcast and my work is, is to help you understand all these different root causes so
• 25:32
  you can start to address them one at a time.
• 25:35
  Some of the next things for you would be to start these initial exercises that I did, that
• 25:42
  I gave you.
• 25:43
  Go take my desire quiz, which is at libidoquiz.com.
• 25:48
  So if go to libidoquiz.com, you'll get that Why is my desire low quiz.
• 25:52
  So go take that.
• 25:54
  Check out my new book called Want to Want It because I go into stuff like this around some
• 26:02
  of these personal root causes, as well as how to harness your own sexual energy, how to turn
• 26:07
  yourself on, how to know your own body, and so much more.
• 26:10
  You'll find all those links below this video, and I hope you will subscribe to see some of
• 26:16
  our great guests that are coming down the pipeline.
• 26:18
  We're talking a lot over the next couple months on relationships, and how to keep relationships
• 26:23
  strong, how to bring intimacy back to relationships, how to get a strong relationship
• 26:29
  back if you've lost it, and so much more.
• 26:31
  So please subscribe so you don't miss any of the updated information as it comes out, and
• 26:36
  I'll see you all again real soon on another episode of the lounge.
• 26:41
  Take care.
• 26:45
  Thank you for listening to the Libido lounge.
• 26:47
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 26:48
  Please share this with your friends.
• 26:50
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.