Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Bonus Episode: Gunslingers

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Bonus Episode: Gunslingers · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wait, maybe your knives
0:23
did it to my knives then. Oh, your knives did
0:25
it too? Yeah. Well, I don't know. Yeah, it is.
0:28
Your knives gave Peter's knives herpes. Yeah,
0:31
exactly. They gave it AIDS. You should talk to
0:34
Pete about the cure for that. Yeah, I love that
0:37
Pete got over AIDS. It's super cool. It's so
0:39
good. Thanks, Pete. But he's dying with that
0:44
secret because he's not letting anybody else
0:46
get over AIDS. Nope. Sorry, everyone else. Sucks
0:51
to be you. sucks to your asthma pete figured
0:54
out it's jacking off a lot and peeing into a
0:57
crisper you know i'm glad i'm glad we finished
1:01
the uh the bracket scene is this this is the
1:02
one that'll get us canceled yeah we're off the
1:05
rails now say your worst shit i'm not even gonna
1:09
edit yeah no that's that's the cold open right
1:12
there who do i have to impress now no one yeah
1:16
we're really living up here now uh i got us some
1:19
buzz balls hell yeah buzz balls buzz balls yeah
1:24
it um it's not great but it's also not horrible
1:27
right i've made worse mistakes yeah me too yeah
1:34
yeah so sean you you had the fun experience of
1:39
watching this solo nick and i had the fun experience
1:42
of watching it with people and nick has also
1:45
re -watched it solo or maybe with josie i don't
1:47
know i mean she was there yeah but yeah We didn't
1:50
talk, so. I did not rewatch it because I didn't
1:53
have time nor desire. Yeah. What Peter is alluding
1:57
to is the fact that this is Cage Magical and
1:59
a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage. I'm
2:02
your host, Sean, here with my co -host. Oh, that
2:05
was weird. I didn't like that one at all. That's
2:07
a buzz ball. Yeah. Nick. I'm Nick. And our producer.
2:15
Peter. Hello. And Peter is. Talking about the
2:20
new movie with Nicolas Cage in it, The Gunslingers.
2:26
Sean, did you look if it was showing anywhere
2:29
near you in a movie theater? God, no. I mean,
2:33
to be fair, I did just drive to and from Seattle
2:36
in a 36 -hour period and then kind of just crashed.
2:39
I wasn't going out. Yeah, that's fair. You could
2:42
have gone out that Thursday night, the midnight
2:45
showing. It'll be fine. We looked around us and
2:50
even for people who don't live here, basically
2:52
it was about 50 to an hour away from us. And
2:56
the only showing on its opening day was at 1045
2:59
in the morning. Yeah. A real banger of a time
3:04
slot. Yeah. Fandango's got watch at home. Yeah,
3:09
that sounds about right. Yeah. Ooh, it's Rotten
3:12
Tomatoes score went down to 5%. Yesterday it
3:14
was 6%. Oh, and it started at 7%, so I mean...
3:19
Hmm, is that audience or critics? It doesn't,
3:23
there is no audience score. Well, let's go rate
3:28
this fucking movie. 100%. Yeah, let's get into
3:31
it. We're going to balance the scales. We're
3:32
correcting this wrong. Okay, so my main critique
3:35
of this film is I can't remember... Anyone else
3:39
in this film besides Nicolas Cage, because everyone
3:41
else is just some version of half bearded white
3:46
guy, except for the Chinese guy who had a sweet
3:50
ass wig. Sick wig. What's her name? Like Zima.
3:53
Zima. Yeah. And then what's her name? Yeah. Yeah.
3:57
You're better than I am. What's her name from
3:59
The Hangover? Heather Graham. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
4:03
Well, you can't forget the dwarf of it all. Well,
4:05
the real standout of it all, I think, was Stella
4:08
Rose. Oh, my God. Stallone. Scarlet Rose. Scarlet
4:12
Rose Stallone. Yes. Stella Rose would have been
4:15
a weird one. Stella Stallone. I wouldn't put
4:22
it past him. I mean, how many George Foremans
4:24
were there? It's true. Yeah, she gave it easily
4:27
the shittiest performance in the entire thing.
4:30
Oh, she gave the shittiest performance of like
4:32
my. 2025 i don't think i've seen a worse performance
4:36
than really bad that stone face killer well i
4:42
want to say like i couldn't keep track of who
4:44
was who at the big end gunfight they string up
4:48
three guys one of which who is like the love
4:52
interest to like fucking scarlet rose's character
4:54
i do not remember being in that film at all up
4:57
to that point yeah i mean he was in it for just
5:01
like a couple like reactions basically he would
5:06
have reactionary lines like oh where did bella
5:09
go oh i gotta go do things and then like walk
5:13
off yeah the villain is recognizable because
5:15
his face is all bernie he's got an eye patch
5:18
and he wasn't being hung he wasn't being hung
5:21
also just start the movie where it starts And
5:25
red bandanners. Face bandanners. Bandanners.
5:28
Yeah, okay, so who wants to give the plot summary
5:30
of this one? There's a town that wanted criminals
5:35
go to where they fake their own deaths and start
5:38
anew. Yeah. And Stephen Dorff is one of those
5:44
criminals. He's a criminal, which we see as crime.
5:49
Because he killed a Rockefeller. You can't fuck
5:51
with the Rockefellers, man. Yeah, apparently
5:53
not. You know, they could have just said that
5:57
and not shown us that needless fucking epilogue.
6:01
Yeah, it was pretty wild, especially just putting
6:03
us into that scene. And it's like, oh, here's
6:06
some chaos. I did appreciate all the people on
6:09
fire, though. A lot of fire. Lots of people on
6:11
fire in this movie. But also his brother goes
6:14
up, get shot. near a fire but doesn't fall into
6:18
the fire just get shot and immediately erupts
6:20
in flame yeah oh his brother being the villain
6:23
for the film right yeah so in the beginning in
6:27
his defense he was very drunk and very covered
6:30
in booze oh i thought you were gonna say he was
6:32
a little bit drunk and a little bit a little
6:34
horny i mean why wouldn't you you're a bandit
6:39
you're there for banditry what do you think that
6:41
bandana is for i i wanted to get this movie a
6:44
little bit of credit, because they do show, uh,
6:47
Stephen Dorff's character when he goes to the
6:48
town, like, how, like, they baptize him, and
6:51
they, like, they hang him, and they, like, they
6:54
show us a hanging, and, like, there's photo evidence
6:56
of the hanging, but, like, they have him in the
6:58
gallows, they drop the foot out, you see the
7:00
body drop, but apparently doesn't die, they don't,
7:02
which, you know, they show at the end, you know,
7:04
them saving some people who were hanging, but
7:07
I thought, like, maybe it was, like, a fake door,
7:10
just, they fake it some way, so when The guys
7:13
get like hung when the three guys get hung in
7:15
the end, nothing happens. And then they all start
7:16
kicking ass. That's what I thought too. I even
7:18
called it. We were watching with a group of our
7:20
friends and I was like, Oh man, the fucking gallows
7:23
are fake and nobody knows that they're fake.
7:25
They're going to drop. And then suddenly just
7:26
start blasting motherfuckers from like these
7:29
nooses that are not actually strangling them.
7:31
And I'm like, that would have been tight as hell.
7:33
Yeah. No, but we did get the best, the best line
7:37
read from that movie at that scene, but we'll
7:40
get there. Cause we do need to talk about. Nick
7:42
Cage. My first comment. The wanted poster of
7:47
Nicolas Cage's character is just a photo of him
7:51
from the gunslinger. Yeah, sure. I mean, you're
7:55
not going to do like two different makeup and
7:58
costuming looks. No, I mean, not the gunslinger.
8:00
Sorry. Fucking the old way. Oh. The same hat,
8:03
the same bandana. It's just a photo, a printed
8:06
photo of him, mind you, from the old way. I didn't
8:10
even notice that. I didn't notice that either.
8:12
That's a good hat tip. But that's really stupid,
8:15
too. Agreed. But, like, I don't know. Nick Cage's
8:21
character is the only one who's kind of, like,
8:23
got a gimmick. Like, you got one dude who, like,
8:26
has knives. You have one guy named Doc, who's
8:30
ostensibly a doctor. And then you have Nick Cage,
8:33
who talks like this, man. And he made a promise
8:36
to God to not kill anymore. Yeah, because the
8:40
little babies and angels, you got to take care
8:42
of them. You got to read the Bible. The Bible
8:45
is good. I'm trying to get in there. And he's
8:48
wearing those Hot Topic sunglasses. I'll take
8:50
a little more of that. My theory is that he was
8:56
just paid to put his name on the poster and they
8:59
just like let him do whatever he wanted. I mean,
9:01
we know for sure that Nick Cage loves Westerns,
9:04
right? Like he's super into these. It's his third
9:07
one in like. the last like clearly two years
9:11
right so there's something about it the storytelling
9:14
aspect of it the the history of westerns clicks
9:17
for nick cage this movie did not click for me
9:20
um i did think his voice while stupid as fuck
9:24
was pretty fun yeah I really wish that Patreon
9:28
listener John had been correct that it was because
9:31
of a failed hanging, which maybe it is. Yeah,
9:34
sure. They could have just said so. I mean, he
9:36
could have been one of the earlier residents
9:38
of Redemption. Before they figured out their
9:42
trick noose. Yeah, before the trick noose, which
9:45
I'm sure is just like the rope going down because
9:48
it never tightened on their necks when they hung.
9:51
Right. So it could just hook to like a harness.
9:55
in the back the taint yeah or the taint yeah
9:58
but a lot to grip there so you just hold the
10:02
rope between your butt cheeks and you just squeeze
10:04
really hard and if you can keep yourself up you
10:08
get to join refuge or whatever it was called
10:11
i'm gonna say a couple nice things about this
10:13
movie because of all the westerns that he's been
10:15
in this is by far the least shitty in terms of
10:19
like fucking plot and like shit happening because
10:24
There's a lot of like when he gets to when Stephen
10:27
Dorff gets to town, like he has to like relinquish
10:28
his guns and like all the stuff. And then later
10:31
on, there's like a cave where they keep all the
10:34
guns where they need to go and get them to like
10:35
hold on the fucking cave with all the candles
10:39
lit as if somebody was just down there like.
10:43
two hours prior and everything is set up as little
10:46
pedestal idols with people's weapons just sitting
10:51
atop them was ridiculous. I didn't say it was
10:55
good. I said it's the best of the three Westerns
10:58
we've watched. Fair enough. Oh, yeah, I guess
11:00
we should probably tell everyone, spoiler alert,
11:02
we're going to ruin this movie if you want to
11:04
watch it. We're going to ruin this movie. You
11:06
didn't. The only reason you knew this movie existed
11:08
is because you're listening to this podcast.
11:10
Also, I will contend that Brian Skiba ruined
11:13
this movie, but he directed it. well okay i mean
11:18
so getting back to the absolute beginning of
11:21
this entire thing we sort of joked about how
11:23
you can tell how bad a movie is going to be by
11:25
how many production houses are you know their
11:27
title cards show up oh i didn't go back and like
11:29
count did anyone count it was nine nine is a
11:32
lot it's a lot that beats the old way by one
11:36
yeah and i mean you can tell like certain characters
11:40
are in there because of that it's like you put
11:42
money from the middle east and now you have a
11:44
middle eastern guy in the situation for some
11:47
reason oh is that the guy that got shot and passed
11:49
out and then like came back at the end and ran
11:51
away that got blown up and then yeah i did text
11:55
you guys um last night as i was starting this
11:57
movie like three minutes into that first gunfight
12:00
where the brother goes up on fire i'm just like
12:02
i can't tell that this is just another prolonged
12:04
title card it really honestly could have been
12:07
it was like red bandana productions red bandana
12:10
everyone is pretty bad in this movie um the dwarf
12:15
like tries but doesn't really what's that gonna
12:20
get him yeah yeah also he's bad with guns oh
12:23
we gotta talk about the kid oh little miss jam
12:28
and toast yeah little jammy bread girl i don't
12:33
know what it is but the fact that like half of
12:35
her involvement in the film was just eating bread
12:39
and jam tickles me so much i think it's because
12:42
she was so distracting on set that they were
12:46
just like i don't know fucking sit down just
12:48
give her some bread i don't know yeah enjoy some
12:51
wonder bread and smuckers like fucking shut up
12:54
kid yeah yeah her character is terrible heather
12:57
graham's character is terrible they don't really
13:00
have a point other than like kind of that surprise
13:03
twist oh it's actually your kid which is never
13:06
really a surprise because like If the brother
13:10
had never said that the lady was Heather Graham
13:16
was his wife, I never would have assumed she
13:19
wasn't Dorf's wife. Right. Like I literally or
13:23
legitimately believed that she was just following
13:26
him because she was like, oh, that son of a bitch
13:28
trying to run out on me. Yeah. I mean, she comes
13:31
into town and is like, Thomas Keller, you know
13:33
him? It's like, OK, the old lady. Yeah. Super
13:38
weird. Was she riding with the posse and then
13:40
got ahead of them one day? That's what she says.
13:42
She says that she beat up her husband and stole
13:44
his horse. Oh, nice. Which is how he knows that
13:46
she's there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How do I remember
13:49
that? You've watched it twice. Well, the first
13:52
time I was remarkably high. That's fair. And
13:55
the second time I was remarkably on my phone.
13:59
So I will say this movie is considerably better
14:02
with people because dumb movies with people.
14:05
is at least entertaining can be fun dumb movies
14:08
by yourself less entertaining not yeah not not
14:13
a good movie not a fun movie not nearly as bad
14:17
as i assumed it would be based on everything
14:19
everyone had told me i'm like this is serviceable
14:22
it's just not good whereas like butcher's crossing
14:24
there's no plot there's no story there's no like
14:28
it's just a bunch of like footage of buffalo
14:32
and nick cage like being weird or the old way
14:36
which is just shot very poorly well okay so that
14:41
actually brings up a good question for me i know
14:42
that we are you know obviously the finest of
14:44
film critics um so i'm curious which of these
14:48
three was like film production wise you know
14:53
director of photography wise the worst because
14:55
in my mind this one looks terrible yeah i think
14:59
this one is like the worst to look at from my
15:03
point of view because uh it just looks like those
15:06
i don't know uh early 2000s or whatever ultra
15:11
high def like tv shows the yeah the perspective
15:17
just seems off like everything is too in focus
15:20
everywhere i will agree like in terms of like
15:23
just set everything this does look it looks cheap
15:26
um i will say i just i hated the actual like
15:32
cinematography and like the really bad shot reverse
15:36
shot of the old way so much the light the bad
15:39
lighting cues in the old way i mean again i'm
15:42
someone's gonna hyper fix it on that stuff but
15:44
no i just i cannot watch that movie yeah i would
15:47
need a refresher but i'm not gonna ever watch
15:49
the old way again i'm sure i will watch the old
15:52
way again i mean we can do the western triumvirate
15:57
get wild wild west i'm sure we could rent the
16:00
beacon you know for a triple dip yeah play them
16:04
all at three times speed so we don't only have
16:07
to pay for one film's worth of time now you're
16:09
talking my language baby speed run yeah so what
16:15
all of these movies do is the really bad cg blood
16:24
yeah like whenever anyone gets shot they use
16:26
and are squibs just really expensive i'm sure
16:32
i'm i'm sure it's only like three or four like
16:34
practical effects in general are more expensive
16:37
than just having somebody in china push a button
16:41
i bet if you could like screenshot those like
16:44
the blood explosions it's the same like animation
16:46
just reused yeah i mean probably they're not
16:49
rendered move that animation around on the body
16:52
wherever it needs to go Yeah. Yeah. It's, they're
16:55
like, you know, they're always, and it's just
16:57
like, it's one of those things where it's just
16:58
like, it would be less distracting if they just
17:02
fell down, especially because the animation always
17:05
hits about a beat or two before somebody reacts
17:09
to it. There were three bodies I can think of
17:11
where like a guy would get shot in the shoulder,
17:13
stop, fall over. Yeah. I mean, I've never been
17:17
shot, so I can't say how I would react to getting
17:20
shot, but it does seem a little hokey. i mean
17:23
i'm sure that you know impact inertia would like
17:27
you'd you'd do more than just like fall over
17:30
you'd like move a bit yeah you'd get spun a bit
17:34
oh well like depends on it would depend on the
17:37
caliber of the handgun i always think about the
17:40
uh the simpsons when everyone is shooting each
17:42
other with derringers just getting closer and
17:46
closer to each other on the subject of shootings
17:51
and stuff i find it so funny that like everybody's
17:54
a terrible shot until they hit and then they're
17:56
always like right on the heart right in the eye
17:59
it's like always kill shots or nothing yeah wait
18:05
how did how does the brother die ultimately i
18:08
was just gonna say get shot in the eye patch
18:09
yeah like through the back of all the things
18:13
that i remember from this movie that part is
18:14
completely a dead blank for me well and get shot
18:18
in the head get shot in the eye like eye patch
18:20
the hole in the eye patch and then bad cg blood
18:23
runs down his face see that's the one like we
18:27
we all know little salsa on the cheek yeah you
18:31
got it yeah nice and easy the only thing more
18:35
authentic is to actually shoot your artists but
18:39
rust kind of ruined that for everybody thanks
18:42
baldwin Lock him up. Do you guys want to produce
18:49
a movie? Yeah, probably. Sure. Yeah, let's do
18:52
it. uh what's 15 bucks gonna get us we can afford
18:55
a western i'm pretty sure ah costuming oh speaking
18:59
of costuming elizabeth will be mad at me if i
19:01
don't mention that the uh the knitting on some
19:04
of these things is definitely from machines and
19:06
not from hands um which is bullshit they should
19:10
have hand stitched everything should have been
19:12
handmade hand woven everything the first shot
19:16
of this movie it shows like new york city or
19:18
whatever like in 1902 with like a weird thunderstorm
19:22
You mean that sweet CG animated backdrop? Yeah,
19:26
they could have said so much about it instead
19:28
of rendering that on like effects later. Yeah,
19:31
you could have filmed literally any facade of
19:34
a building and been like, this is New York. You
19:37
also just don't need it. Yeah. Because the very
19:40
next scene of him like out West, just like filling
19:45
up his water bottle and the bounty hunter shows
19:46
up, exposits everything we just saw. Yeah. Also,
19:50
that guy was a fucking douche. Oh, yeah. Fucking
19:54
peeing in the river. Captain Waterpisser. Yeah.
19:57
Fuck him. What was that song he was singing?
20:00
Yankee boy, let me go home. Yankee boy, suck
20:04
a ball. Yankee boy, suck a ball. I think it was
20:09
that. Yeah, I think he nailed it. I know my Civil
20:13
War time stuff. Hey, what's up with him being
20:16
like. General Robert E. Lee, they're saying he's
20:20
going to come back and do this and that. I'm
20:22
like, he fucking died 70 years before this film
20:25
took place. Do you think he's... Time traveled
20:31
slowly back then. Yeah, right. News traveled
20:34
slowly back then. They didn't have the internet.
20:35
I guess, but if you were part of the Civil War,
20:38
you probably know. Okay, so we got to talk about
20:42
another costuming thing because it just popped
20:43
back in my head. Speaking of heads, Stephen Dwarf's
20:46
fucking hat. The second hat that they give him.
20:49
What is wrong with that hat? It's camel toe hat.
20:52
So bad. It is so weird. Like, I don't know why
20:59
it goes all the way up and then just like pushes
21:02
the little cowboy parts really close to each
21:05
other. It's like lames on top of his head. And
21:09
I love it. Every time I saw it in silhouette,
21:12
it cracks me up. so many weird costume choices
21:16
like the one uh female bad guy who just had like
21:20
oh the smoky eye oh yeah yeah what was her deal
21:24
anyways so also that like the only costume i
21:28
didn't hate was nick cages and it's so just like
21:31
it's it's just it's so weird yeah it's not it's
21:35
very anachronistic it doesn't fit i liked a scorpion
21:38
belt which you know is just nick cages belt that's
21:40
pretty cool totally I did have to look up and
21:43
yes, there are scorpions in Kentucky. OK, good
21:47
to know. I mean, he could have been not from
21:50
Kentucky, but. Well, there were scorpions shown
21:53
in the like. Opening scene, I believe you. Yeah,
21:57
there was a scorpion walking across a little
22:00
thing and it's like, that's weird. And I got
22:03
home and was like, oh, scorpions, Kentucky. If
22:06
this if this movie would have come out. in the
22:09
early aughts like around the time of like van
22:11
helsing it probably would have been fine because
22:13
it even has like well dorf would have been relevant
22:15
and credits but it also has like the the end
22:19
credit did you listen to the song at the end
22:20
credits not a chance it's got it's got very new
22:24
metal it's got a very new metal western feel
22:26
it's like it's so bad okay sing a bit of it that's
22:32
gonna be our outro Rap me the rap part. No, yeah,
22:35
you sing. No, that was the 90s. Hey, that's new
22:41
metal. It's all about weird rap rock. Ah, fair.
22:47
It's the blend, the fusion of style. But yeah,
22:52
I give this movie a solid eh. We have to talk
23:00
about the best line in the movie, which is fucking
23:02
when Nick Cage is trying to save the hanging
23:05
guys. Help me! Good God! Help me, y 'all! Help
23:11
me, God! Help me, Jesus! Good God, y 'all! Good
23:15
God! It just goes full James Brown. Yeah, I know.
23:19
It was so bad. I think he was just trying to
23:20
channel rock and roll. Like black people. It's
23:25
like James Brown. James Brown. Really fucking
23:27
strangled. Yeah. Oh, man. I think my favorite
23:31
was when they were passing around the flask at
23:34
the end. He's like, I'm trying to get into heaven,
23:37
but I'm going to have a little bit of that. Well,
23:40
I do love a little Kentucky bourbon. Or when
23:45
they were. helping the dude who got shot and
23:50
they like go to hand him a bottle of whiskey
23:52
and the bartender is just like, not that that'll
23:55
blind him. And then everybody kind of looks at
23:57
it. It's like, Oh, why do you have, it's like,
24:00
you've been serving me this for years, sir. Okay.
24:06
Wait, does this movie rule? I mean, it's dumb.
24:10
Yeah. It's just a dumb movie. It's fun to watch
24:12
with other people. That's how it's enjoyable
24:14
is just to watch and make fun of. It exists on
24:17
that level. It is not something. I, as somebody
24:22
who has experienced it both ways, would recommend
24:25
anybody do in the latter form of watching by
24:29
yourself. Yeah. Or even silently with your partner.
24:33
That's also fair. You have to be inebriated.
24:36
And you probably should be with at least four
24:41
people. Yeah. Sean, were you just white knuckling
24:44
it or did you get somebody to watch it with you?
24:47
No, I was on my own. Bless your heart. I love
24:55
his shaky hands. I love that camera he had that
25:03
he never had to like reload the film. Yeah. I'm
25:07
not sure how that worked back then. I don't think
25:09
it was that way. It was a single plate. You would
25:12
like take the plate out and like, yeah. Yeah.
25:13
Well, he wasn't like taking like. Shot after
25:16
shot. He did during the hanging. Did he take
25:19
a couple shots? There's like a pacing thing where
25:21
it's just him with the music where it's like.
25:25
Hmm. Yeah. Well, of all the things to care about,
25:29
his camera was pretty low. Let's talk about glasses
25:34
for a second. Oh, man. The one of the coolest
25:37
part of his glasses or a part of his outfit.
25:41
His bowler hat was pretty good. Bowler hat was
25:43
pretty good. I did like the hat. I like the bandana.
25:47
Scorpion belt. He was good at shooting a gun.
25:51
But yeah, the glasses. When you're good with
25:53
a gun, you get a scorpion belt buckle. For stinging.
25:56
With bullets. That's like the black belt of gun
26:00
-fu. Scorpion belt buckle. I am upset that in
26:07
the fight scene where he finally picks up his
26:10
guns, he... Like when he's empty, he just tosses
26:14
his guns. It's like those are your fucking signature
26:16
weapons. Like what does it save you to throw
26:20
them away? Just put them back in your holster.
26:22
OK, great. You're carrying approximately. Eight
26:26
pounds of metal. Probably not a big deal. It's
26:30
on your legs. Just holster them. They're your
26:33
guns, man. Don't just throw firearms on the ground
26:37
and run away from them. Coward. But the guns
26:40
are the tools of the devil. Yeah. I'm so glad
26:44
I get to do that dumb fucking voice this episode.
26:47
Yes. Hey, person who looked at his poster, what
26:51
was he wanted for? Yeah. I just looked at the
26:56
photo. Butt banditry? I couldn't read any of
26:57
that. Butt banditry. Not allowed back then. That's
27:01
why he's so into Jesus now. It's like, I'm repenting
27:05
for all that ass I slayed. Just crushing pussy
27:11
ass. Hey man, a hole's a hole in the wild west.
27:16
Pussy's as good as pussy. I had to channel Daryl
27:20
for that one. I did Google the old way just to
27:24
see if it was the same. I'm pretty sure it was
27:25
the same photo of him from the old way. But I
27:29
forgot about his mustache in the old way in the
27:30
beginning. Only in the beginning. He does shave
27:33
it promptly so we know there's a time shift.
27:36
Yeah. Which is one of those things, one of those
27:39
little details I appreciate in a film. Yeah,
27:41
when hair changes. Yeah. Well, I have to say,
27:45
I may have enjoyed my buzzball more than I enjoyed
27:51
this movie. I mean, for starters, it didn't take
27:54
nearly as long to get through. Fair. Yeah. Left
27:59
about the same taste in your mouth. Okay, so
28:01
I just pulled up the scene. You cannot read what
28:03
he's wanted for, but he is worth $5 ,000. Ooh.
28:07
Old West money. Yeah. That's in back then money.
28:10
Yeah. That's in like, you can still bite the
28:12
gold money. Oh, well, did you see the price of
28:17
beer back then? No. It was a nickel. Oh, it's
28:21
highway robbery. Yeah, that seems high. But I
28:25
suppose if you have a weird outlaw town where
28:26
everyone is a ghost, then imports might be difficult.
28:30
It might be a little more challenging. You're
28:31
paying people off and passing it on to the consumer.
28:34
Speaking of gold, what was up with the weird
28:37
shaped fucking gold nuggets strewn about the
28:40
cave room? Also, it was just candles, guns and
28:45
like wanted posters and fucking irregularly shaped.
28:51
Rhombuses of gold. Yeah. It is just weird nugs.
28:54
I'm looking at them right now. Yeah. Just kind
28:57
of about. Who does that? Who just keeps their
28:59
gold loose in a cave? Fucking weirdos. Jericho.
29:04
It's protected by all the guns. Fucking. Yeah,
29:07
the guns that just go off. Yeah. A bunch of traps,
29:11
Indiana Jones style. So you walk into the cave,
29:13
you don't know the right steps. You just get
29:14
shot by a bunch of guns. It's just a spider web
29:17
of string everywhere connected to triggers. Good
29:21
thing Stallone's daughter knows all the tricks.
29:23
Oh, Stella Monroe. She fucking sucks. She was
29:27
the worst. Absolutely the worst part. All right.
29:31
Final thoughts on this one. We got a half hour
29:33
of content. We're good. All of it golden. Yes.
29:38
Our part is golden, yes. We're at least a 14
29:44
% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.
29:48
The Gunslingers, don't watch it. Yeah, I say
29:51
watch it if you've got friends who want to watch
29:53
something with you that is stupid. Yeah, don't
29:56
set out on this to like watch something. Like
30:00
you're going to be proud of watching later. Yeah,
30:03
you can just watch it and not tell anybody and
30:06
be OK. And you can watch it with other people
30:09
and like everybody swears themselves to like
30:12
secrecy over it. That's OK, too. But no one's
30:16
going to have good things to say. True. Unless
30:21
you're drinking buzz balls. Buzz balls. This
30:24
episode is sponsored by buzz balls. Yeah. It's
30:26
women owned. So fucking deal with it. Yeah. Go
30:30
get your buzz balls. Cage match. Buzz balls.
30:34
Wham. That's what we're doing now. We're saying
30:37
wham. Yeah. We're going full shock jock now.
30:40
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for listening. And thanks
30:44
for those of our fans who watch this with us.
30:49
Yeah. Thank you for listening. Thanks to our
30:51
patrons. Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam,
30:54
and Bill are sparkle buddies. Josh. What are
30:56
you still fucking doing here? The podcast is
30:57
over. Shut up. Yeah. What are you still doing
30:59
here? Have you confirmed that these people are
31:02
still supporting us? As far as I know. Oh, okay.
31:04
Cool. Yeah, give us your money. We got to keep
31:06
making content. So anyway, thank you to our Sparkle
31:09
Buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam,
31:11
Bill, and Stuart. And to our cage dancers, Ira,
31:15
John, Freeman, Lance, Nathan, and Cameron. Yeah,
31:19
you guys are awesome. Fuck, I got nothing else
31:22
to say. We've got this coming out. Our finale,
31:25
you've all heard at this point, I assume. Unless
31:29
this is your first episode, in which case, fuck
31:31
you. You got to start over from the beginning.
31:33
um he still would have heard this before this
31:37
even if he started at the beginning shut up nick
31:40
and your brain steward and then yeah come back
31:47
uh pretty soon for our dnd game and the surfer
31:50
and the surfer we're gonna do both of those hopefully
31:52
a good film yeah it looks eat the rat i i am
31:57
expecting this to be as good as as sympathy for
32:04
the devil that's the expectation i have set for
32:07
this film already and it better not disappoint
32:09
me okay so i'm giving myself homework because
32:12
i still have not watched that one oh josie hasn't
32:14
either so if you want to watch it sometime we
32:16
can get together yeah let's do that that sounds
32:17
fun um i would like to see that because you guys
32:20
really kind of talked it up in a way that i was
32:21
not anticipating so yeah it'll be interesting
32:25
for me to see if it still holds up uh after A
32:30
year? Does he talk like this the entire time?
32:33
Boston accent. Oh, ooh, all right. Intentionally
32:37
Boston, if I recall. Well, I didn't expect to
32:41
end this thing with a rock hard. He has a great
32:42
crime jacket. Yeah, crime jacket. Crime jacket,
32:44
too. And sick red hair. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
32:50
Steert. Baby!