Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / Mojo Monday - Master the Art of Listening to Understand vs. Listening to Reply with Carly Taylor

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Mojo Monday - Master the Art of Listening to Understand vs. Listening to Reply with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to another edition of Mojo Monday.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: I'm Carl Taylor, and today we're exploring something that plays
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: a critical role in building strong relationships, and that's how
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we listen when someone is talking to us. So how
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: often do we find ourselves in conversations where we're already
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: crafting our sentence like our next sentence, waiting for our
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: turn to speak. And I know I do it. I
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: know everyone does it because it's pretty normal. But I
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: also know how important it is not to start responding
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: when maybe that person just wants to be heard and understood.
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  Speaker 1: And this is because when we listen purely to respond,
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  Speaker 1: whether we're aware of it or not, we are even
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: miss out on what's really been communicated, and that can
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: leave the other person feeling misunderstood and unheard. And for
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: coaches and therapists and in life, mastering this art of
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: listening is essential for fostering deeper connections and helping people
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: feel really understood. And so before we dive into the
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  Speaker 1: three levels of listening that can really transform how we
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: engage in conversations, I wanted to share a quick personal
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: story that kind of sparked this topic for me. So
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  Speaker 1: not too long ago, I was talking to a friend
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  Speaker 1: about something that was important to me at the time,
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  Speaker 1: something that was on my mind, and I just wanted
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: to vent. Soon after I started talking, my friend responded
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  Speaker 1: by relating what I was saying to their own experience,
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  Speaker 1: and I I know they meant well, but what it
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: did was it shifted the focus from what I was
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  Speaker 1: going through to what they had experienced. And then suddenly
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: my situation didn't seem like it mattered as much, and
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I was feeling just a bit frustrated and a little unheard.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: And it really got me thinking about the importance of listening,
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  Speaker 1: not to respond, not to reply, but to understand. And
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: so that's what I want to dive into today. So
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: let's start with the three levels of listening. So level
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  Speaker 1: one is internal listening, and this is the obviously the
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  Speaker 1: first of the three levels. This is where we most
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: of us operate by default. So when we listen at
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  Speaker 1: this level, we're filtering everything that we hear through the
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: lens of our own experience. Our minds go to, well,
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  Speaker 1: how does this relate to me? Or what should I
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: say next? And it's a very self focused way of listening,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: and we often don't even realize that we're doing it now.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: In the coaching or in the therapy context, this type
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  Speaker 1: of listening can be particularly limiting and it can affect
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: the client relationship. And if we're always relating everything back
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: to our own stories or our own experiences, we're not
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: fully present for the other person and it can make
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: them feel as if their feelings or insights aren't as valuable.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: And of course there are times that validating what the
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  Speaker 1: other person is saying by talking about our own experience
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  Speaker 1: can be really helpful to them. So there really needs
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  Speaker 1: to be this sort of level of awareness of whether
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: to respond with our own experience and whether that's right
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: in the context of what's being said. And then the
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: level two is called focused listening. This is where the
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: shift can really happen. Instead of focusing on yourself, you
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  Speaker 1: turn your attention fully to the person speaking, so you're
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  Speaker 1: no longer focusing inward on your own response or how
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: what they're saying relates to you. Maybe those thoughts still
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: come up, because it's pretty natural that they do, but
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  Speaker 1: it's about you being aware of them, but you don't
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  Speaker 1: respond to them. You're completely present, you're engaged, and you're
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: actively working to understand what the person is sharing with you.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: And in the context of coaching or therapy, or even
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: a conversation with a friend, this is where true connection begins.
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  Speaker 1: Focus listening allows you to ask insightful questions. You can
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: bring curiosity into it, reflect back on what the other
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  Speaker 1: person is saying, and rather than offering advice or shifting
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  Speaker 1: the conversation back to you, you are actively working to
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: understand what they are talking about. And then the third
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  Speaker 1: and deepest level of listening is called global listening. This
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  Speaker 1: is where you're not just listening to the words being spoken,
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  Speaker 1: but you're attuned to everything else that's going on in
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  Speaker 1: the conversation. So you're noticing body language, tone, and even
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: their energy in the room. And at this level you're
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: picking up on not what's being said or what's not
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  Speaker 1: only being said. You know, maybe the person is choosing
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  Speaker 1: their words carefully, or perhaps their posture reveals tension or discomfort.
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  Speaker 1: Global listening allows you to engage with the unspoken elements
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  Speaker 1: of communication and this can create a deeper connection. And
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  Speaker 1: when you're listening at this level, it helps you to
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  Speaker 1: recognize things that may be holding the other person back,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: things they may not even be aware of themselves. It
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: can help you notice when somebody is struggling that maybe
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  Speaker 1: they're not actually expressing it. Many people are really good
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  Speaker 1: at hiding when they're struggling. So if you can go
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  Speaker 1: to this level, sometimes you can see it just in
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  Speaker 1: their body language or just in the nuances of what
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  Speaker 1: they're saying, and especially when their words don't quite match
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  Speaker 1: what they're feeling inside. So I have experienced this global
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  Speaker 1: listening as a coach myself. It's a skill that I
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  Speaker 1: have really worked hard at, and I've also been a recipient,
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  Speaker 1: and it can build such a deep connection connection and
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  Speaker 1: that's where the biggest impact can take place. So to
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  Speaker 1: become a better listener, self awareness is key. We've all
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  Speaker 1: had those moments where we're tempted to just jump in
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  Speaker 1: with our own stories or advice, but being aware of
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  Speaker 1: this helps us recognize when we're about to shift the
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  Speaker 1: conversation back to ourselves and pull us back into that
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  Speaker 1: deeper listening. One of the most important things that we
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  Speaker 1: need to become better listeners is self awareness. It's so
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  Speaker 1: easy to slip into that internal listening where our attention
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  Speaker 1: is inward, especially when we want to relate to the
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  Speaker 1: person that's speaking. But self awareness is what allows us
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  Speaker 1: to catch ourselves when we're about to turn the conversation
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  Speaker 1: back to ourselves. So it's about noticing when your mind
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  Speaker 1: starts wandering or when you're already thinking about how you respond,
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  Speaker 1: and then gently bringing yourself back to the moment, back
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  Speaker 1: into the conversation to listen to what they're saying. Listening
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  Speaker 1: is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice.
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  Speaker 1: But the more self aware that we become, the better
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  Speaker 1: we get at catching those moments and staying fully present
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  Speaker 1: for the person that we're talking to. And there's actually
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  Speaker 1: compelling research behind this. Studies have shown that when people
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  Speaker 1: feel truly heard, it activates the brain's reward centers, making
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  Speaker 1: them feel valued and connected, which is no surprise when
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  Speaker 1: you really think about it, and research from the University
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: of Utah found that effective listening improves relationship satisfaction and
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  Speaker 1: builds trust, while poor listening habits can lean to misunderstandings
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  Speaker 1: and disconnection, and in our fast paced world, we often
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  Speaker 1: don't take the time to fully listen. We're very, very
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  Speaker 1: distracted in this world with social media, with emails, and
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  Speaker 1: as a result, we can lose opportunity to deepen our
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: relationships if we're not aware of it. So when you
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  Speaker 1: practice this skill of listening to understand, you give people
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  Speaker 1: the gift of your presence, and that is something that
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: everybody needs. So think about the last time someone really
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  Speaker 1: listened to you. I bet you that it made a difference.
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  Speaker 1: It made you feel like you mattered. And in a
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  Speaker 1: world where so many of us are rushing from one
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  Speaker 1: thing to the next, giving someone your undivided attention is
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  Speaker 1: truly one of the most impactful things that you can do.
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  Speaker 1: So I'll wrap up today with a challenge if you
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  Speaker 1: accept it, the next time you're in a conversation, whether
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  Speaker 1: it's with your partner, or your kids, or a friend
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  Speaker 1: someone at work, try shifting your focus from responding to
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  Speaker 1: understanding and be aware of when you're at your mind
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  Speaker 1: is telling you to jump in with your own story
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  Speaker 1: and instead just stay present with the person. And the
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  Speaker 1: more you practice this, the more you'll see how it
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  Speaker 1: can transform your relationships. And as a coach, I've seen
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  Speaker 1: firsthand how much of a difference that this can make,
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  Speaker 1: not only in my professional work, but also in my
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  Speaker 1: personal life too. Thanks so much for joining me on
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  Speaker 1: today's Mojo Monday. I hope this has given you something
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  Speaker 1: valuable and also something to practice, to take into your week,
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  Speaker 1: and I will catch you next week. Bye,