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[REPLAY] The Enormous Impact of Small Intimacies · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:00
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. My friends, they would tell you I like to ask the hard questions.
• 0:27
  Podcast Intro/Outro: You know who I am in the group?
• 0:32
  Podcast Intro/Outro: I'm the person that's saying,"Okay, I'm gonna ask this question, but don't feel like you have to answer it." And now, I can be that friend for you too.
• 0:50
  Alex Alexander: Do you ever feel like in order to feel closer to your friends there is this pressure to always be sharing your most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep dark secret?
• 1:04
  Alex Alexander: Perhaps, a lot of your friendship hangouts center around these big conversations.
• 1:06
  Alex Alexander: What if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to your friends that were- simpler, easier, more common?
• 1:20
  Alex Alexander: In today's episode I want to talk about a concept that I have talked about multiple times on this podcast before, but I have never really dug into. That is something I call small intimacies. Now overall, if I am going to describe this concept in just the briefest of terms, I would tell you that I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends. That there are dozens of ways we are trying to open up to each other, but because they're not these big shares they are often overlooked. And, honestly, this is happening with our friends, but I would guess there opportunities we have in all of our connections to see these smaller micro-moments that we are all offering and receiving. But, with all the focus on these big moments we often don't stop and appreciate these small bids for connection.
• 2:15
  Alex Alexander: Now, I'd love to dive in and tell you all about small intimacies, but I think there are a couple of foundational pieces that we need to understand so we can see how we implement this in our lives. And the components that I'm talking about are vulnerability, and vulnerability's relationship to rejection.
• 2:35
  Alex Alexander: So I want to give you a couple of definitions. First, the definition of vulnerability.
• 2:39
  Alex Alexander: Vulnerability is a willingness to show emotion, or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known. A willingness to risk being emotionally hurt. And that's important because so much of these bids for connection are being seen, being known, even in small ways And when we do that, there's always that chance that our friends aren't going to receive this bid for connection the way that we hoped, which is where rejection comes in.
• 3:09
  Alex Alexander: So the definition of rejection is the possibility that we are dismissed as inadequate or inappropriate, or not to one's taste. And it's really important to note that there are three reasons for rejection. Because so often, when we're rejected, I think we all jump to that fact that we are being dismissed as inadequate. When in reality, it could be that our friend sees the share as too much too soon, and therefore, inappropriate. Or perhaps this just wasn't the moment to share that deep secret, in a room full of people who know no one and your friend doesn't know how to react, or your friend was trying to share and you overshadowed it by coming in with something that was like, Hey, this is what happened to me. And then there's that third part, which is not to one's taste. You could say, well, my friends should want to see and know me in that way. But sometimes, maybe it's hard to know you in that way, because they're in a similar situation that they're in the middle of recovering from, or they just have a differing opinion. And if that's the case, if that keeps happening to you, I would suggest that you go listen to episode 15.
• 4:25
  Alex Alexander: Now, why does this all matter?
• 4:25
  Alex Alexander: Why do I need to touch on these topics before I can get into the concept of small intimacies?
• 4:33
  Alex Alexander: Well, because in order to feel more connected to our people, we need to feel more seen and known. But I think that there's a cycle that happens as we are trying to make that happen. You see, we want to be seen and known, but we get nervous that we might get rejected. So many of us spend all this time overthinking every share we make, because we feel like they have to be these big shares.
• 5:03
  Alex Alexander: That's really what we're out there talking about when it comes to vulnerability. And I'll touch on this in just a second.
• 5:09
  Alex Alexander: But like, these big shares are often the focus. And so when it feels like you have to give this big truth, you can really get in your head about it, and you're calculating like, is that share gonna work out? And if it doesn't, was it worth sharing, I'm gonna have to feel rejection. So we don't actually make any bids for connection.
• 5:34
  Alex Alexander: Because while we're together, we're experiencing so much anxiety from overthinking having to share this big thing, that when the small moments of connection are happening, we miss them. Or we're just not making any, because we're not really present in the connection. And this just keeps happening.
• 5:54
  Alex Alexander: I think it's a cycle where we get so pent up that eventually in the need to be seen and feel connected to prove that this friendship is real. We finally make the move, and you share that big vulnerable truth. And two things can happen. Either your friend is accepting. And this is a really big moment for your friendship because you feel seen and heard. It really cements this belief that they are someone you can trust or you are rejected, which feels absolutely devastating, because it took you so long to open up to this friend, that you now don't even know what to do. You waited and waited and you thought it was gonna go fine. Or maybe you didn't. But you were just so pent up that it finally came out.
• 6:39
  Alex Alexander: And where do you go from here in this friendship? If you go back and listen to episode 12 of the podcast, I talk about my roots of connection framework. And I would highly suggest you listen if you haven't. But I want to give you the briefest of overviews here and why this matters. There are three types of roots, shared experience roots, emotional intimacy roots and story roots. Small intimacies fall under the emotional intimacy roots.
• 7:06
  Alex Alexander: And the reason I'm telling you this is because at the core of all of it, when I think about friendship, we develop these beliefs about our friendships, that's what holds us together.
• 7:15
  Alex Alexander: They are my friend, I trust them, we show up for each other.
• 7:19
  Alex Alexander: And those beliefs lead to expectations. So then, when we spend time together, we act in ways that support our beliefs.
• 7:29
  Alex Alexander: And the action part is important. Because as we act in the ways that support our beliefs, that gives us evidence.
• 7:37
  Alex Alexander: And that evidence is what makes us believe our beliefs. It's what keeps us saying “they are my friend,” instead of “are they my friend?”—and saying “I can trust them,” instead of “can I trust them?” We've all had those moments, where a belief felt solid, and then it didn't, and we're suddenly questioning it.
• 7:55
  Alex Alexander: So when those actions are few and far between when those big shares are pent up and take a long time, we have less and less evidence to support our beliefs.
• 8:06
  Alex Alexander: Now, there's more than just sharing vulnerability. In fact, I think so often, there's this huge focus on vulnerability in our friendships, and there's so many other ways to show up, to build roots, to strengthen our beliefs. Go listen to episode 12. But just for the purpose of this episode, I'm focusing on the vulnerability piece of this.
• 8:25
  Alex Alexander: When we allow small intimacies to be a big part of our friendships. It allows us to create all these micro moments of evidence that build up. And if we look back at our friendship, it's hard to deny the mountain of evidence you have collected from these micro moments, the cumulative impact of this can be huge.
• 8:55
  Alex Alexander: So how do we start to see small intimacies? So much of this is rewriting our beliefs. It's training ourselves to see interactions with our friends differently. So let's look at what vulnerability currently is kind of that big, sweeping, stereotype societal narrative of what vulnerability is. So often, I think when we talk about vulnerability, there's this focus on certain topics being vulnerable. Mental health, the nuances of a romantic relationship, finances, trauma, addiction, grief, but the thing is that these big topics, they aren't immediately vulnerable.
• 9:37
  Alex Alexander: Sure, they can be but they aren't always. Have you ever heard someone say to you, "Oh, I don't mind talking about that topic"? "I don't mind talking about it at all. I don't mind being vulnerable about finances." That kind of phrase is a sure fire sign that even though everyone says that this is a vulnerable topic, it's not vulnerable to that person, it's not a risk because vulnerability is relative and personal. We can't know immediately what is vulnerable or not vulnerable to someone just by the topic they're talking about.
• 10:16
  Alex Alexander: So I want to give you an example from my personal life. So often, we share facts about our lives, and they might fall in those big categories. So for me, as I've talked about here before, on the podcast, I lost my mom when I was younger, that is a fact about me, it's not a vulnerable share at this point. I am 20 plus years in to living as a person whose mom died.
• 10:41
  Alex Alexander: Therefore, when I meet you, and we're in conversation, and I tell you that my mom passed away when I was 13, that's not vulnerable for me anymore. I don't feel any risk. Because this is a piece of me that I have accepted. Now, 19 years ago, that felt very different. I felt like when I shared that my mom had died, it sucked all of the energy out of the room, I was perceived differently. It felt like a risk because it changed the social dynamics in any conversation that I was a part of. But today, I don't feel like telling you that my mom died is a risk, it is just a fact. So if you are finding yourself thinking that certain topics immediately are a sign that this is a deep share or a vulnerability. I'd suggest that you re-examine that belief.
• 11:31
  Alex Alexander: Some other reframes about vulnerability. Vulnerability isn't always our losses or hardships. It can also be our wins. For example, if you tell a friend something positive in your life, that can feel like a risk because there is a potential that your loved ones won't celebrate you the way that you expected. Or on the flip side, maybe you wanted to share your win, but you aren't quite ready to step fully into what that means for you. And your loved ones are just so excited that they go a little over the top and you're overwhelmed.
• 12:04
  Alex Alexander: Suddenly, the social dynamics in the room may not feel comfortable anymore.
• 12:10
  Alex Alexander: Another reframe. Vulnerability can be sharing a new layer. I talked about this concept of layers in episode 61, which is the episode about how to talk money with your friends. And finance is one of those big topics. But the layers concept is this idea that I might be telling you about losing my mom, that is a fact not a vulnerable share. But if I was going to be vulnerable with you, there are layers to my experience with being a person whose mom has died. I might tell you about how this experience has impacted me in my life, I might tell you about my feelings that I have from losing my mom. Or maybe the deepest layer is how being a motherless daughter impacts me today. So vulnerability isn't necessarily the overall topic, but I can be vulnerable about this topic, and share some of those deeper layers with you.
• 13:12
  Alex Alexander: Another reframe. Vulnerability can be sharing a new season of life and navigating the changes that come with it, which feels like just a great moment to talk about an experience that many of us have had. Imagine that you and your friends really just treat each other's houses kind of like they're all your own.
• 13:31
  Alex Alexander: You open cabinets, you go into each other's rooms, whenever you please, you may lay down your friend's bed and take a nap. And then your friend meets a new romantic partner. And suddenly, you are in this space where you are navigating the vulnerability of your friendship feeling different even though this is an incredibly established friendships, you don't know how each of you are going to react in this new dynamic, what feelings are going to be hurt.
• 14:01
  Alex Alexander: Another reframe. Vulnerability can be conflict. It can be telling a friend that they've harmed you and made you feel lesser than and not knowing how they'll react to your feedback, or sharing perhaps how they have harmed another friend. A final reframe is that vulnerability isn't all about sharing.
• 14:21
  Alex Alexander: Vulnerability can be actions.
• 14:21
  Alex Alexander: And I have such a great story to tell you about this. Have you ever tried something new with a friend, especially if they are super experienced in whatever this activity is? The memory that comes to mind for me is actually from college, I went to a Zumba class with two of my closest friends at the time. And when I tell you that I am incredibly uncoordinated, you should believe me. I'm the person in a spin class that is standing when everyone else is sitting down. So they knew taking into this Zumba class that it probably wasn't going to be smooth. They knew this. So they positioned us in the back corner of this class, and me in between them. And when I tell you that I spent the entire hour running into them, every time everybody went right, I went left and ran into my friend over there and vice versa for an hour, which, on one hand, I think they thought was kind of funny, they expected it. But I felt mortified by the end.
• 15:26
  Alex Alexander: There's so much vulnerability in our actions that often isn't acknowledged.
• 15:33
  Alex Alexander: So now that we've given you some reframes, I hope you can see that vulnerability is relative, it is personal, it is so much more nuanced than we often think about. And when we approach it in this way, there's opportunity for small risks, small moments of vulnerability, small intimacies. And when we see that, then I hope we can lean in because the thing is that when you have these small moments, is there the risk for rejection?
• 17:10
  Alex Alexander: Absolutely. But does it feel as overwhelming? I hope not. It also allows for us to lean into potentially dozens of small moments of connection, of letting each other in, bids for connection, that often we would just glaze over. Because they aren't the big things, we can stop that cycle of feeling so overwhelmed by all these big shares and deep secrets and build up to those.
• 17:41
  Alex Alexander: But the hardest part overall about small intimacies is noticing them and getting your friends to notice them. Because you can offer these up all day long. But if your friends don't notice them, they're not going to catalog them as evidence. So what does it look like to shift your friendship culture around small intimacies to not always be so hyper focused on these big shares, but rather to get everyone on board and paying attention for those small bids of connection? Well, one would probably be just seeing them.
• 18:12
  Alex Alexander: And I'm going to give you some examples here of small intimacies. But I want to tell you that there are probably hundreds of thousands of variations, there's no possible way I could ever list these all off, that I've experienced them all that I could think of them all. But as you start to see them, I think it kind of develops into this muscle memory, where they become more and more apparent. So here are a few examples of small intimacies. Let's say that a friend asks you how you're feeling today. They say, "How's your day?" And instead of saying fine, what you could say? You could just say, you know, it has been a rough one, you don't need to go into bigger details, you don't need to dive into the deep end. But you can just be honest and be seen, it was a rough day.
• 19:00
  Alex Alexander: Another example would be inviting someone into your house. Now, again, remember, big versus small intimacy are relative and personal. So you may hear that example and think to yourself, oh, my gosh, that is a big intimacy for me.
• 19:14
  Alex Alexander: Absolutely not. But if it doesn't feel that way, this would be a great one for you to offer up to people to not wait, to invite them over sooner rather than later. And you can even take this a step further, if this feels less risky for you. And when people come to your house, you can make a point to not apologize for its state.
• 19:32
  Alex Alexander: Don't apologize if it's messy, don't apologize. If it's under construction. Don't apologize if there's no food in your fridge, just allow people to be in your current reality with you.
• 19:46
  Alex Alexander: Another way to let people in would be to introduce friends or family who know you from different parts of your life. So let's say that you invite your coworkers to meet some family members of yours. And there are probably different stories that will be told about you, your family will hear what you're like at work, when you're under pressure, and your friends from work will learn what you were like when you were younger. And that's a small intimacy, to allow your friends to start to piece together the different sides of your life, even though they're so different. And it feels a little raw to be seen that way by people who have one picture of you. Another small intimacy would be to offer what you have to give, but also be honest about your limits. So let's say that a friend is going through some health issues. And they asked you if you could give them a ride to an appointment they have on Fridays, and you say, "Yeah, I can do that. I actually can drive you on Mondays and Fridays." So you're making an offer that they might say no to, they might feel uncomfortable, right? And they say yeah, okay, that's great.
• 20:50
  Alex Alexander: And you drive them and then while you're driving them, second, third time, they're like, "Hey, I actually have this appointment four times a week.
• 20:59
  Alex Alexander: Is there any way you would be able to do those other days?" And it's a small vulnerability for you to be honest about your capacity and say, I really would love to, and I'm so happy, I can show up for you these two days a week, but I just can't do four.
• 21:14
  Alex Alexander: Because you don't know if they're gonna be disappointed.
• 21:16
  Alex Alexander: You don't know if they're gonna back out of the two days a week, right? It's a small risk.
• 21:21
  Alex Alexander: We talked about how small intimacies and vulnerability overall can be positive. So let's say that your friend offered you this bid for connection by telling you a big win that they had at work. And what you can offer them in return, is being over the top enthusiastic about this achievement, not just saying congrats, not just playing at small, but you really love this friend, you're so proud of them.
• 21:50
  Alex Alexander: You're so excited for them, and you want them to feel that. So not only are you gushing about them and this achievement. But you also maybe follow up with a note about how proud you are of them, you make sure to mention it to a couple other people in your life, because you're just so darn proud. And that's you being a little vulnerable and admitting like this friend means so much to me. And I want them to know it. Words of Affirmation can be a small intimacy, especially when it comes to telling someone how much you care about them, or how much you enjoy their company, or how much you appreciate them and their friendship.
• 22:28
  Alex Alexander: And I actually have a personal example for this one. So I recently was on a podcast recording, you're going to actually hear this recording soon with someone and we've chatted a couple times, we became internet friends, we've hung out on Zoom a couple times now, we're on this podcast recording. And while we were in the middle of it, she said people are going to look back 30 years from now and they're going to realize that this was the start of our friendship. And that moment, my brain went ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, because I thought, Wow, that's so brave of her on one of our very first Hangouts to admit, hey, I enjoy this connection so much, that I really hope this turns into a bigger friendship. That's bold, it's a little risky. She has no idea if I'm going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we just met. Now, that's obviously not how I took it, I noticed it was like, ding, ding, ding, tucking that away.
• 23:21
  Alex Alexander: She really enjoys our company.
• 23:26
  Alex Alexander: And I want to close this out with one final example of small intimacy, even though there are endless more out there, which would be placing a hand on someone's shoulder as a sign of support or sincerity, which might seem small to you. But again, everything is relative, and everything is personal. And everyone's feelings when it comes to physical contact are different. So where this really comes to mind for me, is with my guy friends. Now, a lot of us...
• 23:51
  Alex Alexander: I have a lot of friends that are huggers. But there's something to me about this small intimacy when they tell me something really exciting in their life, or something really hard. And I can just turn and place my hand on their shoulder and be like, I am so proud of you. Or I am always here if you need me.
• 24:10
  Alex Alexander: Because again, everyone has different feelings about physical contact, and I have no idea if they're gonna feel like I was a little too much or not.
• 24:21
  Alex Alexander: So it's a little bit of a risk every time I do it.
• 24:24
  Alex Alexander: Now, I hope you can see that once you lean into this concept, you realize that there are so many opportunities for these small moments of connection, there could be dozens in a single hangout. And while so many of us have been out there focused on these big intimacies, the big shares, the moments of late night deep conversation.
• 24:44
  Alex Alexander: We're just letting these small intimacies pass by, or we're not even taking the action to make them happen. Because we don't see them as worthwhile. But no more waiting friends. I think we all just need to accept that these small opportunities are worth it - that they add up. And that the cumulative impact of these could have a profound impact on our friendships, we could feel connected with a friend quicker, deeper, more consistently than we ever have before, which won't look like a big deal on the surface, we may not be able to pinpoint back the moment we felt like our friend really opened up to us. But we will have this sense that we have built so many of these moments into our friendship, that we have no doubt that that person is our friend, is someone we can trust, is someone who will show up for us, is someone who has our best interests at heart.
• 25:46
  Alex Alexander: Alex, this is all great. I can offer up all the small intimacies but that doesn't mean that my friend is going to notice. You are correct. That is an important piece of this. And so I want to touch on that. I've talked about this concept of friendship culture before and so much of it I think, is really just about speaking, and acknowledging things that are happening in our friendships, it's about not just saying something in our head and letting it pass by. Often when I talk about friendship culture, it's how to stop bad things. But this is really about how to build a friendship culture of appreciating the little things.
• 26:27
  Alex Alexander: So how do you do that? It doesn't need to be some big conversation with your friends.
• 26:31
  Alex Alexander: Now, you can share this podcast episode with them, that would be one way to maybe get them bought into this idea. But another way would be to just start acknowledging the effort you're putting in or the effort you see them putting in, it could be acknowledging that you were nervous about having a friend come over to your place, you don't normally do this, but it felt so comfortable to have them there. It could be messaging that friend, I don't know, a week after they were over the top excited for you, and that promotion that you got, and telling them, hey, I noticed that you really went above and beyond. And I just want to thank you for that. I really appreciate it, it could be acknowledging the ways your friends let you in. So if they come to you and tell you about this promotion, it could be you stop and be like, I want you to know that... I know you've been really insecure about taking this leap. And I feel so honored that you've told me about it.
• 27:26
  Alex Alexander: And then maybe even following up and reinforcing that again, sending a message a few days after and just saying, hey, again, I can't stop thinking about your promotion. I'm so proud of you. And I know you're not telling a lot of people. But I feel really honored to be somebody who's in the know. And I'm always here for you. And because everything isn't always positive, and it isn't always a win.
• 27:50
  Alex Alexander: Changing the friendship culture around small intimacies can also be acknowledging when you reacted in a way that wasn't ideal, that wasn't good evidence, that didn't support the belief. So if your friend proceeded to tell you that they're moving for a job, they're really excited about it and you were really sad, because they're leaving, and you just didn't act that great, it could be acknowledging that down the line and saying, hey, I know you're not telling many people right now. And I'm sorry, that my feelings of sadness got in the way. But I am really, really, really happy for you.
• 28:28
  Alex Alexander: And acknowledging that in and of itself is a small intimacy.
• 28:33
  Alex Alexander: And if you opened up to a friend, let's say, you told your friends about a big goal that you have, and they just didn't react the way you were hoping, then I would suggest approaching it with curiosity, but again, acknowledging it and saying, Hey, I was really excited to tell you about that goal. And I can see how maybe because you've been going for something similar, you felt a little off by it, like maybe you had your own reactions, but I'm just curious what happened there and approaching us with curiosity.
• 29:09
  Alex Alexander: And at the end of the day, I think just acknowledging that you see these little things and making them a little bit bigger of a deal, instead of just letting them pass by, will make it easier for everybody to start seeing them. So often, on this podcast, we talk about what is enough in our friendships, we talked about not forcing everything to be all or nothing, letting things live in the gray, letting things live on a spectrum, letting things build up to have a cumulative impact.
• 29:42
  Alex Alexander: And at the end of the day, I really think that is the whole point of the concept of small intimacies is that we get this hyper focus on the big things.
• 29:50
  Alex Alexander: And yes, those are great. It feels great to be let in on your friends' big moments, we talk so much about wanting that. But while we're sitting here waiting for that, and focused on that, and focused on what isn't there in our friendships, we are often missing what is there or holding back what could be there, we're not offering these up. Because we maybe feel like they're not enough.
• 30:16
  Alex Alexander: But I hope that by the end of this episode, you and I are on the same page. And we believe that these are enough. And as we start to offer them up more and lean into this more, it feels easier, and it creates more consistency. And it builds stronger friendship beliefs with the people that matter to us. So that we aren't doubting whether or not they will show up for us in the ways that we hope they will. So with this, I hope that you take this whole episode, this whole new reframe, it's gonna take some time to implement into your life. But my suggestion to you would be to spend a little bit of time wherever you do your best reflecting, thinking about some ways that you could let people into your life that are small intimacies.
• 31:03
  Alex Alexander: What are some things you could do that you could offer up even to new friends. Is it a small intimacy to you to invite somebody over to your house? Is it a small intimacy to not clean up anymore? Not to panic before people come over, maybe driving friends somewhere, maybe leaning in for that hand on the shoulder, what are some things you can do? And try and offer those up more regularly. Try and lean into those and see how it impacts your friendships. With that, I'll see you next week.
• 31:37
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.