Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Encouraging Your Husband To Masturbate Is Like Encouraging Your Wife To Get Love Letters From A Romance Robot

Transcript

Encouraging Your Husband To Masturbate Is Like Encouraging Your Wife To Get Love Letters From A Romance Robot · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why it is
• 0:11
  really foolish to want your husband to masturbate.
• 0:14
  And think that this is like a real good idea and you're really
• 0:18
  be an efficient and effective as a partner and in your marriage
• 0:22
  which strangely many women think and many men think it to quite
• 0:26
  honestly. So you know being being
• 0:31
  short-sighted it's not a gender specific thing and I will
• 0:34
  explain why this Is very short-sighted after I tell you
• 0:37
  to subscribe my most recent subscriber episode was on
• 0:40
  responsive desire versus zero desire.
• 0:43
  And when women say are you done yet during sex and why that
• 0:47
  should really never happen for various reasons that I will
• 0:50
  explain. So all my responsive desire
• 0:53
  aficionados that think that they know the sum total of what there
• 0:57
  is on responsive desire. After listening to my podcasts,
• 1:00
  you know a lot can certainly learn something new from that.
• 1:05
  Cyber only podcast and I will tell you that 599 per month is
• 1:10
  truly a drop in the bucket compared to what it would be to
• 1:12
  get individual sessions with me. So you really ought to make use
• 1:16
  of that. If you're, if you're try, if
• 1:18
  you're on a budget and trying to learn as much as you can about
• 1:21
  these topics. Anyway, so on to the topic at
• 1:26
  hand that hand ha ha. So a lot of women think I meant
• 1:31
  told me this thing to, you know, that it's better for the
• 1:33
  marriage. If the guy Bates.
• 1:35
  And here's why, because he gets an outlet, so they don't have
• 1:38
  the same libido. And, of course, in this culture
• 1:42
  of everybody needs to do only what they want.
• 1:44
  All of the time, then you know, her low libido is considered
• 1:49
  just, you know, complete non-starter, she hasn't listened
• 1:51
  to the doctor. Psych mom show.
• 1:53
  Then this way, you know. So it's considered like my
• 1:56
  tenants analogy that I made. I think in my subscriber episode
• 1:59
  yesterday, she likes to play tennis, he doesn't.
• 2:03
  So, she goes and finds another tennis.
• 2:05
  Oh, this is a good idea. Great, everybody's happy.
• 2:08
  So it's the same thing. He wants to have sex.
• 2:10
  She doesn't so great. He goes to masturbate.
• 2:13
  Now, do you see any problem with this?
• 2:16
  Any logical fallacy here. So hopefully her entire love
• 2:21
  language. The reason that she finds
• 2:23
  meaning in life, the reason the things she wanted to do since
• 2:27
  she was a little girl, I'm not that little a pubescent.
• 2:31
  Girl is find a tennis partner. Now, let me tell you.
• 2:34
  Something if that was the case, if she was fucking, you know,
• 2:38
  Serena Williams here or whatever.
• 2:40
  And tennis was her whole reason for being alive.
• 2:44
  And what made her feel good about herself.
• 2:46
  And she had visualized having a man to play tennis with for the
• 2:50
  rest of her life. Well, yes, she should divorce
• 2:52
  his ass. If he decides that he just
• 2:53
  doesn't want to play tennis anymore.
• 2:55
  Hundred percent hundred thousand percent.
• 2:58
  If that was the premise implicitly of their marriage and
• 3:01
  they play tennis multiple times a week and then all of a sudden
• 3:04
  he was you know why I like it anymore so why don't you go find
• 3:09
  yourself another tennis partner then she should at the very
• 3:12
  least Hall is ads and to couples counseling and that should be
• 3:16
  that, you know, because unless of course, let's say, he loses
• 3:21
  his arm or he becomes extremely depressed or he breaks his arm
• 3:26
  or he has some other horrible health-related concern and that
• 3:34
  case Everything should be built around understanding and helping
• 3:38
  him, getting him, his individual treatment.
• 3:40
  And if he decides that he doesn't want tenets, even after
• 3:43
  all, that is resolved, if it is resolved, then truly, that would
• 3:47
  be taken as a gauntlet thrown down because he is repudiating a
• 3:51
  basic tenet of their marriage, that was implied.
• 3:53
  If not explicit that, he would remain her tennis partner.
• 3:57
  So, in this case, it would be a very good analogy.
• 4:00
  In the normative case, a woman does not build her entire life
• 4:02
  around having tennis with her significant other.
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  And so having tennis you see what the analogy is obviously
• 4:09
  going to be because of how I'm raising it you playing tennis
• 4:12
  having sex so she doesn't, you know.
• 4:16
  So then fine. So she goes and plays with her
• 4:17
  friend instead of him. No biggie.
• 4:19
  Her friend is nice. She likes to hang out with her
• 4:22
  friend. Anyway.
• 4:23
  No harm. No foul.
• 4:24
  This is not the same thing with the man, going to masturbate, to
• 4:27
  Outsource his sex life because, you know, make no bones about
• 4:32
  it. That's what's happening.
• 4:33
  He's Outsourcing his sex. Life.
• 4:35
  And he is now having sex life by himself and the sex life by
• 4:38
  himself is far better than the sex life.
• 4:40
  He's having with her, you say why is that?
• 4:43
  Well, because with the sex life with her, the same woman, that's
• 4:48
  going to say, yeah, sure, go jerk off is a woman that is not
• 4:52
  going to put a lot of time and effort into the sex life.
• 4:54
  She does not view herself necessarily the sexual entity.
• 4:58
  She looks down on sex and thinks it is something to be
• 5:01
  outsourced. So therefore the sex they're
• 5:02
  having is kind of trash. It's Boring, nobody enjoys it
• 5:07
  really that much and really the sex that he's having with the
• 5:11
  porn that he's looking at. Of course, he should not be
• 5:14
  looking at porn in context of trying to make a better sex
• 5:16
  life. But in this case, you know, I
• 5:19
  mean, she tells them to go jerk off.
• 5:20
  She literally tells him to go jerk off.
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  So why do it just yourself? Why not have those some virtual
• 5:26
  friends with you? Which are, you know, the woman
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  that he looks out on the internet so he looks at the
• 5:31
  woman on the internet, they'll do whatever.
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  But really honestly guys, I don't care as much about them
• 5:36
  swinging from the chandeliers as that, they look happy to be
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  there, you know, they smile, and they, it's not about the body,
• 5:43
  it's about the attitude, you know.
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  And so with his imaginary friends, that he got download
• 5:50
  new videos, probably every day he gets to have his sex life by
• 5:57
  himself. Oh, then you say, well, that's
• 5:59
  great. So he's getting to have a sex
• 6:02
  life. She's not getting to have a sex
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  life. Both of them.
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  Get what they Until they get divorced, right?
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  Because that's what ends up happening, because a man who is
• 6:10
  putting his sex life in in a corner in his, in a category in
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  a bucket that has nothing to do with his wife.
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  No longer feels much Affinity toward his wife.
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  I mean really she doesn't care about the central thing that
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  makes him feel like a man and I makes him feel close.
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  So, you know, he doesn't have any tenderness then toward her
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  really, you know, he may have tenderness for her if she He is
• 6:35
  really ill, you know? If she says honey, you know you
• 6:37
  have to take care of yourself because I have this horrible
• 6:40
  problem or I'm breastfeeding, or I have just had a baby or I am
• 6:45
  pregnant with a difficult pregnancy.
• 6:47
  All right, fine. This is time limited, you know,
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  he can have tenderness toward her then and he can actually
• 6:52
  think of the masturbation thing as her being generous,
• 6:54
  particularly if she was against it prior, but if a woman who can
• 6:59
  go to the gym who takes walks with the kids, who is generally
• 7:03
  in physical health, that is Okay, who has a job, who, you
• 7:07
  know, leaves the house? Who is not an invalid says, you
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  know what? It's not my interest.
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  So I've other things to do, by the time, I do, all those other
• 7:17
  things, quite honestly, I'm tired.
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  So why don't you go? Do your own thing.
• 7:21
  This would be fine if this was, you know, she didn't like to
• 7:25
  play Checkers with him anymore. It is not fine when it is, like
• 7:28
  the primary love language doesn't even really cut it, you
• 7:34
  know. Oh, it's like the thing that I
• 7:36
  always say, from the dead bedrooms, right at the tagline
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  at least used to be. There's only one love language.
• 7:44
  The other one or, like languages or something like that, which I
• 7:47
  thought was funny. And by the way, some people told
• 7:49
  me like when I said that, that's a good place for people to get
• 7:51
  support, they said a couple people wrote in and said no,
• 7:56
  it's very anti-sex. So I went and looked at it
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  always open to feedback and it's not I mean like you just then
• 8:04
  seeing it through On lens because I looked at it, there
• 8:06
  was like 50 percent of it was a low libido, people fifty percent
• 8:09
  of it was a high libido people and I didn't see anybody get
• 8:12
  shamed for high libido, but that's just an aside.
• 8:15
  So, I mean, I did, I responded to that feedback and I looked at
• 8:18
  it again and I saw plenty of advice from peers on that Forum
• 8:23
  toward people that were saying, like if your needs are not
• 8:26
  getting met then get out of the relationship, which is the exact
• 8:30
  opposite of being shamed, for a high sex drive.
• 8:32
  So I don't know what y'all talking about.
• 8:34
  I think that, you know, you're seeing things obviously, as
• 8:37
  everybody does with confirmation bias, like, you see every single
• 8:41
  time that somebody get shamed for it because that's what
• 8:44
  you're looking out for because your Reckoning with personal,
• 8:47
  you know, stuff around sex. But anyway, that's an aside.
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  I still think that it's a good place to look on the internet
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  for seeing how other people deal with this low libido situation
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  or you know, mismatched libidos. But anyway, going back to what
• 9:00
  we're talking about here so it's not just a love language.
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  You know, it is like the reason as I discussed in a recent
• 9:09
  podcast, the guys get married. Well, you know, to be with
• 9:11
  someone, they love that they're attracted to that, they have sex
• 9:15
  with, that's why you are married, that's why you're not
• 9:18
  dating. That's why you are not just
• 9:21
  roommates, right? So this is what makes it into a
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  marriage. So when women say, why don't you
• 9:26
  just jerk off? This is as though, as I said in
• 9:29
  my thing as though, like, you're telling her, why don't you just
• 9:33
  get love letters? Orders from like a guy on the
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  internet like why don't you just get like a prison penpal or
• 9:39
  something you'll be in love with you?
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  I'll tell you if you know how many women would leave their
• 9:43
  husbands for a man who's literally in prison.
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  That writes them a love letter because their husband doesn't do
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  shit in that regard, you know. So no man would say that that
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  has a brain, but yet many women that are smart in every other
• 10:01
  regard. Say this on should go just to go
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  jerk off. Because it and then the man and
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  who is not blameless a disregard says oh good idea.
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  I'll go jerk off. You know how go?
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  I'll put my sexuality, completely distinct from my role
• 10:17
  as a husband and you know what? It'll work out in the end?
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  No, it doesn't work out in the end.
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  What happens is the man? Sexuality becomes a him thing.
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  He's only sexual with the women in the computer, pretty much.
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  And then he has when he looks at her.
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  Her, he sees very little, you know, very little that makes him
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  feel good about himself, very little, that makes him feel
• 10:41
  close. She no longer becomes a source
• 10:45
  of comfort and Solace and anything.
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  Because the same woman, by the way, that's going to say go jerk
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  off is not usually very empathic in any other regard.
• 10:55
  So it's not like she's very loving and sweet, and kids, see.
• 10:59
  And and making his favorite meal all the time.
• 11:02
  No, I mean she's she looks A relationship more like a
• 11:06
  business. You have this other interest.
• 11:08
  We listen, we have X amount of time in the day.
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  I choose to spend my time on these 10 things.
• 11:13
  You choose to spend your time on those ten things.
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  We got overlap with seven of the 10 because they have to do with
• 11:17
  the home in the kids. So we each get three one year
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  three is going to be jerking off.
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  Well, three of my three are not so you know that's how it rolls.
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  This reminds me of nothing less than the fair play podcast, you
• 11:28
  can go back to that one that book was a trip.
• 11:31
  So if you want to Google, you know, you could search these By
• 11:35
  the way, people frequently, ask me if I have something like, you
• 11:38
  have a podcast on depression. So all you have to do is type in
• 11:41
  and to Spotify doctor. Psych mom, showed depression,
• 11:44
  and then, or depressed or, you know, you could try P.
• 11:47
  I don't have to tell you how to do a Google Search and in the
• 11:50
  Spotify thing and you find something.
• 11:53
  So, that is most, you know, that, but some of you didn't, I
• 11:56
  understand? I'm technologically not very
• 11:58
  Savvy myself anyway, so that's you could do that too.
• 12:02
  Anyway, so the point being Making your sex life separate
• 12:08
  makes your room. Makes your whole emotional life
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  separate. So then the times that he had
• 12:13
  sex with you are bad outliers and the time that he's
• 12:18
  masturbating by himself is the fun part and this makes the
• 12:21
  marriage very very weak and it makes it feel very distant and
• 12:26
  detached. Also the more the guy looks at
• 12:28
  pour in the more that stuff's going to be coming up in his
• 12:30
  head when he's having sex with you or when he's thinking about
• 12:33
  other people. Poor news is bad for them.
• 12:34
  Marriage, overall, particularly if it's already a bad sex life
• 12:38
  it, artificially inflates, the man's sex drive and to make some
• 12:41
  think sex is everywhere. So that's the other thing is it
• 12:44
  can be a gateway drug to infidelity because the man
• 12:47
  starts to think that sex is everywhere and he's the only
• 12:50
  idiot that's not getting any. So especially as I've said
• 12:53
  repeatedly with the amateur stuff so that quote amateur
• 12:57
  stuff, which is really people that are running very good
• 13:00
  business, you know, make it a lot of money.
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  A man and a woman that are, you know, game plan, How to do this
• 13:05
  at all of this. So it's not like, you know, like
• 13:07
  men when they're aroused and they're watching this stuff.
• 13:10
  They think, man, these people just must fuck all the time.
• 13:14
  Yeah, maybe maybe there to sex addicts, which also is not very
• 13:18
  good, but probably they're running a business.
• 13:22
  You know. 99% of them are like, oh, well was today going to be
• 13:25
  anal daehan? I don't know.
• 13:27
  I think we just did anal. Like, what do you say?
• 13:29
  We do this. But whatever.
• 13:31
  So, the gateway drug thing, I mean is that if They look at
• 13:35
  enough porn, especially the amateur stuff.
• 13:37
  They are going to start thinking, oh wow!
• 13:39
  There are some women that fuck their husbands.
• 13:41
  And why don't I have one. But you know quite honestly
• 13:44
  porno born is a good question so you really it's not good for the
• 13:50
  marriage to tell one person to Outsource their basic need as a
• 13:54
  human being just as ridiculous as it would be for you to say.
• 13:57
  Why don't you just find some guy on the internet that you've
• 14:00
  never met that? Could write you love letters,
• 14:02
  you know, and that you could talk to and you know, Meet.
• 14:05
  I'm using prison or he's in Antarctica, you know or you know
• 14:08
  lives in the tower and in a fairy tale and you just never
• 14:12
  going to meet him. Is this good know?
• 14:15
  She's gonna start to spend most of her emotional life.
• 14:18
  Most of the time, she's talking to you about what cereal to buy.
• 14:21
  She's going to be thinking about this dude, you know.
• 14:23
  It doesn't matter if she's never going to meet him, this is the
• 14:25
  relationship that your husband is forming with the porn
• 14:28
  actresses, you know. Or with even just one woman and
• 14:31
  one Montage that he keeps thinking about be because you
• 14:35
  don't this should be calm and sensible.
• 14:37
  You do not want your partner to be Outsourcing their basic human
• 14:43
  need for love to somebody or something else.
• 14:48
  You don't just like it would make a woman.
• 14:50
  So this is interesting. I thought experiment, would it
• 14:52
  make you uncomfortable to have a robot in your house?
• 14:55
  That was hotter than you? A sex robot?
• 14:58
  You know, your children wouldn't see it, she would live in the
• 15:00
  closet and every night at 8:00 p.m. she activates and has sex
• 15:04
  with your husband. Does it make you uncomfortable?
• 15:06
  You should write. I mean, I think it does, you
• 15:09
  know, uncanny valley type of stuff notwithstanding about her
• 15:12
  being a robot. You know, she's not real, but,
• 15:15
  you know, your husband would bomb to her, right?
• 15:17
  Just like your kids bomb to like a doll or even a toy robot,
• 15:21
  right? And why would your husband bond
• 15:23
  to her? Because she's doing something
• 15:24
  that you don't do? That's his basic need.
• 15:27
  So, if there was a male robot that gave you massages and
• 15:32
  whispered into your ear, sweet nothings, Did your husband, love
• 15:35
  that? Not unless he's a moron because
• 15:38
  that's the thing that you're gonna bomb to, and you can
• 15:41
  really only Bond, we are pair-bonding, mammals the poly
• 15:44
  people aside, the ones that I work with seem to have a
• 15:47
  hierarchy and you know all all love is not equal and so your
• 15:53
  spouse would start to love the robot just a little bit more
• 15:57
  because of robots doing something that is key for them
• 16:01
  as a person. You know, there's some That
• 16:05
  better than us. There is something I watch on
• 16:07
  Amazon Prime, it was translated from Russian anyway, was like a
• 16:11
  robot, you know, I mean you should watch it and the kid
• 16:13
  bonds to the robot because the robot is a very loving mother
• 16:17
  and the guy starts to bond to the robot that robots.
• 16:20
  Really hot. You know.
• 16:22
  But anyway, it's one of these things that is the, you know,
• 16:26
  the Twilight Zone episodes back in the day, y'all used to be
• 16:28
  about nuclear Holocaust. Now, it's whatever everybody
• 16:31
  scared about in society. So now it's about robots taking
• 16:34
  over Over. Well, they got a point, right?
• 16:36
  I mean, if you're telling your husband, basically, go jerk off
• 16:39
  with a robot, which is the same as look at porn, it's the same
• 16:43
  thing, you know, then your husband is gonna bond to this
• 16:46
  thing. That's what he's gonna bond to,
• 16:48
  he's gonna bond to the woman. The the fact that he or the
• 16:52
  couple or, you know, it most people don't go to random shit
• 16:56
  all the time. Most people go back to certain
• 16:58
  things and that is going to become the thing that he thinks
• 17:02
  about instead of sea of memories He said he's making with you.
• 17:06
  So if you're truly at a point where you don't care where that
• 17:10
  sounds like a really good relief and you think, all right, just
• 17:13
  let him Outsource it for a few more years kids get older.
• 17:16
  Then we could separate fine. You know like do it as long as
• 17:20
  you're honest about it. As long as you're like, listen,
• 17:22
  I don't want to have sex anymore.
• 17:23
  I'm never going to again. I really do want to stay
• 17:26
  together. Our children are, let's say, you
• 17:28
  know, 14 through 18, I want to wait together, four more years,
• 17:33
  give them an intact family. We and then we could separate a
• 17:36
  lot of men will say, yes, a lot of men in today's child-centered
• 17:39
  society, particularly will say, okay, sounds good, but don't do
• 17:43
  it and think, who I'm really talking to her.
• 17:45
  The people whose marriages are and horrible who just think that
• 17:48
  this is like a good idea. It's not a good idea.
• 17:51
  It's not a good idea, just like it wouldn't be a good idea for
• 17:54
  you to have a, you know, a, a male romance robot, you know,
• 17:58
  cuz you're going to fall in love with him and that's going to be
• 18:01
  a problem. So, so, you know, think, This,
• 18:05
  what you will, but at least take it as a warning that there.
• 18:08
  There's no free lunch. My favorite thing to say my
• 18:12
  husband laughs at, that's my favorite thing to say, it's
• 18:15
  true, there's no free lunch. You cannot Outsource your
• 18:18
  husband's entire sex life, but expect him to love you.
• 18:20
  The same. He's not going to love you the
• 18:21
  same because you're not giving him what he needs.
• 18:23
  Something else is giving him what he needs.
• 18:26
  And if you have so much issue with the fact that sex is
• 18:30
  something that he needs, that's likely due to the way that you
• 18:32
  were raised in a negative, Of sex - sex fearful home and you
• 18:40
  have negative attitudes toward sex that preclude you from a
• 18:43
  deeper understanding of how key this is evolutionarily even in
• 18:48
  how people bond this is. This is what it is to bond.
• 18:51
  We weren't made to find our ideal roommate and live happily
• 18:55
  ever after. We were made to find a partner
• 18:59
  and a partner is somebody that you procreate with.
• 19:01
  And even if you can't procreate anymore, you still want to
• 19:04
  procreate. You know, they're you still have
• 19:06
  that feeling that impetus like that is what keeps our species
• 19:09
  going it? What keeps our species going is
• 19:11
  not that you know, she's looking at Tick-Tock in one room and
• 19:14
  he's jacking off to porn hub in the other room that doesn't keep
• 19:16
  our species going, and it doesn't keep the individual
• 19:18
  marriage going either and it doesn't keep the kids happy
• 19:21
  either, you know, not that they know what anybody's doing, but
• 19:24
  they can feel that I see disconnect, you know, they
• 19:28
  really can. All right, hopefully this helped
• 19:31
  you read your, your perspective on something.
• 19:34
  Or other that I spoke about and I'll talk to you soon.
• 19:37
  Have a great day. Bye, bye.