Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Reclaiming Boundaries & Purpose with Kat Newport

Transcript

Reclaiming Boundaries & Purpose with Kat Newport · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:01
  Hello, Melissa Crook here at The Field Podcast.
• 0:04
  We've got some ways to engage for you to consider today with
• 0:08
  our episode releasing Good Girl Syndrome with Cat Newport.
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  What are some examples you've seen or experienced with Good
• 0:16
  Girl Syndrome? Is this something you were aware
• 0:19
  of before listening to the episode or is this new to you?
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  I will be shocked, honestly, if this was new to you, but maybe
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  it is. Become aware of situations like
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  this in your life or in the lives of those around you.
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  Supporting women in living unapologetically, starting with
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  ourselves and those around us, not out of good Girl Syndrome
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  expectations, but who we authentically are.
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  We hope this gives you some things to think about today as
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  you engage with today's episode releasing Good Girl Syndrome
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  with Cat Newport. Thanks so much for being with
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  us. Hello and welcome back to The
• 1:13
  Field Podcast. This week I'm here with a new
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  friend that I met via our good friends at Pod Match.
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  They always have such wonderful recommendations and some of my
• 1:25
  best relationships and network that I've created in this work I
• 1:30
  do on the Field Podcast and embracing Layers network have
• 1:34
  been from our friends at Podmatch.
• 1:35
  So always thankful for them. But we're going to talk about
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  and meet a woman today whose area of expertise is could not
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  be more important right now. It is a critical component of
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  our relationships, of our workplaces, of our personal
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  lives, all the spaces. And we're going to get into that
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  today with our guest, Kat Newport.
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  And you're going to understand what I'm talking about as we get
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  into this. Kat describes herself as a
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  compassionate leader. She balances kindness with
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  accountability, ensuring people feel heard while driving
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  results. She's fearlessly supportive.
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  She stands up for others while fostering a culture of care and
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  responsibility. She is purpose driven.
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  She leads with heart and conviction, making thoughtful
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  decisions that benefit both individuals and the bigger
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  picture. She's an empowered problem
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  solver. She tackles challenges head on
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  with empathy and strategic thinking.
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  And she's grounded yet courageous, approaches
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  situations with wisdom and emotional intelligence while
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  taking bold action when need it. I can't wait to jump into this
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  cat Newport. Welcome to the Field podcast.
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  Thank you so much for having me, Melissa.
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  I appreciate it. Absolutely.
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  All right, well, let's get right into it.
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  We're going to start with self-care.
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  Talk to me about prioritizing self-care in your life and what
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  your journey has been with that. So I've been in a corporate
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  environment for most of my adult life.
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  So back in the 90s, as I date myself, self-care wasn't really
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  a thing. So, you know, really looking at
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  how that impacts your ability to engage with other people and how
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  that negatively impacted or my lack of self-care negatively
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  impacted my ability to show up as an effective and empathetic
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  leader. It, it sounds trite almost, you
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  know, you can't give from an empty tank.
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  But that's essentially what it's what it dropped down to.
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  And I found as I matured in my career, you know, taking that
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  step back, taking that time out, finding those things that I
• 4:01
  enjoy and actually prioritizing them as opposed to working 90
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  hour weeks on the week, Yeah, actually showed up in a whole
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  different way in my career and in my personal life, of course.
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  Yeah, absolutely. So talk to me about the kind of
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  boundaries you learned you had to put around your time, your
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  resources, when you're like, OK, I got to be done today because I
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  got to go refresh and get the sleep and get the workout and
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  get the walk, the nature, whatever it is, the the time
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  with family, the time with friends that I need to refill my
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  cup at one point. Did you like, I've got to start
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  doing this so I can actually show up.
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  It's my healthiest, authentic self with a clear head and the
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  ability to bring my best self to this place and to all my people.
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  Absolutely. So I think it came down to a
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  really a bit of a health crisis for me that it, it became that
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  I, I was in constant and chronic pain.
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  There was constant and chronic stress which did wonderful
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  things for my blood pressure. Oh my gosh, I know.
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  So it, it really sort of it came to a head.
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  And of course, this this goes along with that midlife crisis
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  thing going, OK, do I want to keep going midlife?
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  I'm gonna sort of keep going with that.
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  And the answer was a firm no, I cannot keep going like this.
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  I've really got to change how I look at this.
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  And, and, and it really did start to roll when I, when I
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  quite realized looking backwards and again, looking forwards,
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  that the work never really stops.
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  You know, I got to get this project done and it has to be
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  done today and it's got to be done now.
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  Now, now, now, now There's always something else right on
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  the right on the back end of that.
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  There's always something else that needs to be done now.
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  So it really became important to me to start prioritizing work.
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  Does this have to be done today? And a lot of my stress was I
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  have to do it now. There was that alarm blaring in
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  my head. It's got to happen today.
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  It's got to happen now. You know, I'm people are relying
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  on me. Oh, my goodness, what am I going
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  to do? You know?
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  And there was a quiet alarm fire.
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  And when I really had that moment to stop, when I really
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  said, OK, there, there, this is a pivot moment.
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  I'm getting sick. No, it's it's not really that
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  big of an emergency. If I do it today or I do it
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  tomorrow, is the world going to crumble?
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  And the answer was no. If there was a hard deadline,
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  you know, you had to file a brief for the legal team.
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  Fine, it's got to be done. But not everything has that kind
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  of deadline on it. It really doesn't.
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  And really stepping back and understanding that and, and
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  taking that space for yourself is super important and, and I
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  think that's one of the biggest lessons I learned.
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  Yeah, absolutely. So much good stuff there and
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  which goes really nicely into taking care of our emotional
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  health, mental health, physical health.
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  You just gave examples of how your body was deteriorating
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  physically from what you were putting it through with these
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  hours with these self-imposed stressors and expectations.
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  And I think so many times we do that.
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  We got, I got to prove myself. I got to show my worth.
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  I got to show how valuable I am. I can't disappoint anybody.
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  And so we put, and we think we can just go and go and go.
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  And that's not reality. We all have to stop at some
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  point and refresh and refill, but we start seeing the physical
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  ramifications of that. You mentioned the blood
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  pressure, the body pain, so much of that manifestation is from
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  mental and emotional stressors that we're experiencing.
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  Absolutely, absolutely. You've summed it up perfectly.
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  I, I can't, I can't add more to that.
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  Yeah, yeah. And so you started experiencing
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  that. At what point did you decide?
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  Because part of doing this and setting the healthy boundaries
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  and prioritizing your Wellness requires effective
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  communication. We are not mind readers.
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  Other people cannot read our minds.
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  But so many times we keep waiting for someone to see how
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  we're suffering, how tired we are, how much we're giving, how
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  much we're contributing. If we just keep going, going,
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  going and we don't stop to ask questions or inform where we're
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  actually at, people are going to assume we're fine most of the
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  time. Most of the time people are not
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  going to. Maybe a few close relationships
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  will be like, ha, you seem like you're a burden.
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  The lamp at both ends a little bit.
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  Maybe we should talk about that. But most of the time it's upon
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  us to communicate that. But when we've created this
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  environment where we're available all the time, then all
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  of a sudden we're scared. Like what's going to happen when
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  I start communicating? I need something different.
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  What impact is this having on my relationships outside of work?
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  Am I able to show up for them in a way that's needed?
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  And what kind of underlying undertones of problems and
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  conflict are arising there? It requires really clear,
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  sometimes hard conversations. And so this has become really a
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  calling card for you, something that you're very passionate
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  about. South, talk to me about your
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  move into that, because to me, our next talking point is how we
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  can support ourselves and other women in living
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  unapologetically. Clear, concise communication is
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  a number one calling card here. First, for showing up for
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  yourself and encouraging and inviting other people into that
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  and helping women know we're talking about women.
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  You help a lot, everybody, but we're talking about women here.
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  In this case, we're afraid to speak up.
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  We don't know our own value, that we deserve to have a voice
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  in the room, that we deserve to be seen and heard, that it's not
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  OK for us to be continually interrupted.
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  What it looks like to be a woman in the room that's got a little
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  more deposits in the bank that you might be able to extend a
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  hand. And hey, hey, I don't think
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  Sarah was finished yet. Can we let her finish?
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  She was she was in the middle of a good idea, you know, ways we
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  can extend that. But this communication and not
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  being afraid of conflict and knowing that having those
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  conversations is actually going to minimize the space, the
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  conflict long term. When we decide I got to, I got
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  to take care of myself. I got to bring this up, We got
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  to have this hard conversation. We're at a values impasse.
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  And so I, I've said a lot there, but talk to me about this
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  transition because this to me is like your sweet spot of where
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  you really show up unapologetically for yourself
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  and for and, and encourage others as well and bring them
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  along with you. Absolutely.
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  So there's so many things as you're talking and the little
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  lights are going off in my head, so I'm hoping I remember them
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  all as being moved through. So the first one I kind of want
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  to address is the good girl syndrome in so many cultures,
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  particularly North America, particularly in Gen.
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  X and before we were, we were raised to be good girls.
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  Put your own self on the back burner, take care of everyone
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  else. Don't make too much noise.
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  They're there. Just be a good girl.
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  And this is not only instilled in us in our core families, our
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  nuclear families, It's it's, it's within the culture, you
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  know, you know, famous figures saying, well, you're not a nice
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  girl, you're not a nice woman. You know, these, these things
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  come out and it just sort of sits there.
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  So we have to identify and be able to identify when that
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  programming coming out and, and it does, which leads me into my
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  second light bulb, which is boundaries.
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  So everyone needs boundaries and boundaries are scary.
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  The first thing I often counsel and I often coach folks through
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  is figuring out where they need boundaries.
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  You know what? We say boundaries and people
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  think, OK, these big walls where I'm going to block people out,
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  and that's not the case. Boundaries are more like living
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  hedges. They grow, they evolve.
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  They need tending and trimming. And, you know, all of these
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  things to, you know, good fences make good neighbors.
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  Yeah, with that. So when you're trying to think
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  of boundaries and you're looking at when and where to set
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  boundaries, figure out where you're getting a pinch, where
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  you feel put upon. Oh, so and so did this and it
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  makes me uncomfortable. This might be that little flag
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  in the sand going. This might be a spot where we're
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  going to just put up a little hedge.
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  We're going to put up a boundary.
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  Here because there's. Obviously something that I feel
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  is impinging, you know, well, they always take advantage of
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  me. Well, you're complicit in that.
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  Why are they taking advantage of you?
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  Why do they think that? Where's your boundary?
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  How have you communicated that boundary, you know?
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  So. Pinch points and these flags
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  along the way are points where you can start putting up those
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  boundaries. And it's going to feel very
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  uncomfortable in the beginning, particularly if you've been
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  taught to be the good girl, to be the quiet one, to be
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  complicit, to be, you know, pliable to other people.
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  A lot of us are people pleasers a lot.
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  It's they're a social creature. People pleasing keeps us safe,
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  you know, and to set a boundary, it's not a pleasing thing.
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  It's also not a horrible, terrible, you know, bash them
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  over the head with your boundary kind of moment.
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  But it is an uncomfortable moment where, you know, I'm not
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  really comfortable talking about this with you right now.
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  Perhaps I'll come back to you later.
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  It means I have to put the boundary in place.
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  I see you're upset. I get that, but I don't have
• 14:04
  anything in the tank for you right now.
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  And then standing by that, right.
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  And you have to be able to be, and it's not the bad guy per SE.
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  You've got to be the one who's comfortable enough to put a
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  brick onto the, the edge around your hedge saying no, I'm going
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  to reinforce this a little bit that that I need some space.
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  So those are the two big ones that that pre programming from
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  our families, the pre program from the culture we're in, the
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  fact that we're social creatures to begin with.
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  So our our base brain is saying get along at all costs and we're
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  going to get, you know, we're going to get.
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  So there's so much going on. And then that identification of
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  boundaries, the setting of boundaries, and then the
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  maintenance of boundaries, which everybody seems to forget about,
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  you have to maintain them. It's not up to the other person
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  to memorize all your boundaries and exactly where they are.
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  You're going to have to compassionately communicate
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  those on a regular basis. Now, Tuesday nights are my
• 15:05
  nights. I'm sorry, I can't work late.
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  No, no, really, Tuesday nights, like I told you 3 weeks ago,
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  can't do Tuesday nights. You know, those are the 2 ones
• 15:15
  that I wanted to bring up. Well, those are really good and
• 15:18
  I love what you, you said so many good things there.
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  And I want to go back to we, we see ourselves as the bad guy.
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  Really we're self advocating. This is a form of self-care.
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  This is a form of self preservation.
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  This is a form of living out of our own expectations that we
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  really want that are really healthy for US versus what we
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  set beforehand because we were trying to live by somebody
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  else's. We wanted to make sure they were
• 15:45
  satisfied with us, that we never disappointed them.
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  This is really what taking care of yourself in a whole authentic
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  way looks like. And so really kind of reframing
• 15:58
  the messaging on that and the, and the fact you've got to
• 16:02
  continue. It's it's, you know, the one
• 16:04
  thing to write them down and get excited and identify where they
• 16:07
  are. But then you got to communicate
• 16:09
  them. And the people that
• 16:12
  authentically care about you and are really in relationship with
• 16:17
  you, whether it's in work or outside of work, because they
• 16:20
  want you to be well and understand that you being well
• 16:24
  means you're better for yourself first and foremost, because they
• 16:27
  care about you and also you're better for them.
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  You bring a clear headed, clear thinking, freshly rejuvenated
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  mind and spirit to the workplace, to the work, to the
• 16:39
  space you're in to the relationship.
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  If people are are don't respond in a way they just want to keep
• 16:47
  you the way you are, this might be a clue that it's time to
• 16:50
  think about a different space to be in.
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  And that can be a really hard thing to do, but to to honor
• 16:57
  yourself in that way. And when you aren't, haven't
• 17:01
  been doing this very long, it may take a few reminders, People
• 17:04
  may not get it the first time. And you've got to stay with
• 17:07
  that. And you can't take that.
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  Sometimes we take people's pushback as a sign we've done
• 17:12
  something wrong. No, it's not a sign you've done
• 17:16
  something something wrong. They're just not used to it yet.
• 17:21
  They just haven't been accustomed to you showing up
• 17:24
  this way, communicating this clearly, setting it out there so
• 17:28
  you got to give them time and at some point you have to make a
• 17:33
  decision. I think's too, where you've
• 17:35
  reminded several times this has been going on for six months
• 17:38
  now. They keep coming back to you.
• 17:39
  And I need you to really put this in your calendar, stick it
• 17:44
  in your mind, put it in a sticky note on your desk.
• 17:47
  I need you to quit asking me to violate a boundary that I've
• 17:50
  continually and clearly communicated with you, or we're
• 17:54
  going to have to have a different conversation about our
• 17:57
  relationship, our connection, our times, you know, those kinds
• 18:01
  of things. And not being afraid to do that.
• 18:03
  But don't take it as a sign you're doing something wrong in
• 18:06
  it. New habits.
• 18:08
  Your nervous system has to be trained that this new way is
• 18:13
  healthy for you. Because I talk about this all
• 18:15
  the time on here, but our nervous, and I've just learned
• 18:18
  this five years ago through my own work and my own therapy.
• 18:21
  Our nervous system equates safety with familiarity so many
• 18:25
  times. And so if all of a sudden we
• 18:28
  start showing up in this new way, it's going to take time for
• 18:32
  our nervous system to recalculate and re equate.
• 18:37
  So don't don't misunderstand that discomfort is meaning
• 18:43
  you're doing something wrong as well.
• 18:45
  I think those are really important things that you've
• 18:47
  that that we've got to talk about when we're talking about
• 18:50
  this. When did you decide to move in
• 18:54
  this direction? When was your like, OK, it's
• 18:58
  time for me. And this really kind of goes
• 19:00
  into where the importance of setting and coming back to your
• 19:04
  why and your values and everything you do.
• 19:06
  At some point, your why, your values were pointing you.
• 19:11
  I have to believe in this direction.
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  So talk to me about that, that OK, there's a need here and for
• 19:19
  the betterment of us all and boy howdy, do we need to know how to
• 19:24
  have conversations and work through conflict right now more
• 19:28
  than any other time that I can imagine in our history.
• 19:32
  So talk to me about your move. You know the guidance of your
• 19:35
  listening to your inner knowing and your wine values and
• 19:38
  deciding. This is the route I'm going to
• 19:40
  go. So, yeah, it was, it was a very
• 19:44
  long, I was working at a leadership position and one of
• 19:51
  the things that was on my my docket was organizational
• 19:54
  developments. They're providing a professional
• 19:56
  development to colleagues and sourcing programs and presenting
• 20:01
  programs. And one of the very first ones I
• 20:04
  was requested to present was conflict management.
• 20:07
  And it started out as a cute little 2 hour thing.
• 20:10
  This yeah, here's something, this is OK.
• 20:12
  And then it went to a day, and then it went to two days, and
• 20:16
  then it went to three days. And is like, there's definitely
• 20:21
  something here just within this organization.
• 20:23
  And it was a customer service organization, forward facing
• 20:27
  organization, you know, really on the ball in that regard.
• 20:32
  So when I finally left that position and I was in a bit of a
• 20:36
  hiatus and I was taking time off to write my book.
• 20:39
  And I'm like, so I know I'm writing a book.
• 20:42
  This has been a lifelong tree. What am I going to write it
• 20:44
  about? You know, and I want to get into
• 20:45
  coaching and I want to get into leadership.
• 20:47
  And you know, leadership is so broad it.
• 20:50
  Really. Is it?
• 20:52
  Really is so how do I niche down?
• 20:55
  How do I listen to the heart song and follow the heart song?
• 21:00
  And you know, looking over my experience over the years,
• 21:02
  looking over what worked and you know what, what sparked the
• 21:06
  passion and I do refer to this often as my passion project.
• 21:09
  This is the passion. I really sat down and started
• 21:13
  thinking about conflict. Out of all the stuff that I've
• 21:15
  done, I've got the most feedback, touched the most
• 21:18
  lives, seen the most impact from managing conflict and supporting
• 21:24
  others and learning how to manage conflict.
• 21:26
  So that started OK, how does this come out and how does this
• 21:30
  manifest? So becoming that conflict coach,
• 21:33
  working with individuals who are in state planning, you know,
• 21:38
  money and death and family, but where's the conflict there, You
• 21:41
  know, working with that and working in mediation and, and,
• 21:44
  you know, looking at that from an HR perspective as well as I'm
• 21:47
  an HR manager, you know, all of these different facets came out
• 21:50
  like, OK, this, this is it. And, and to your point, it, it
• 21:53
  is so needed. And we have so many of us have
• 21:56
  never been taught how to do it, that it, it just seemed to
• 22:01
  click. And it's also, you know, really,
• 22:05
  really based where there are two people, you are going to have
• 22:08
  conflict. Conflict is simply a difference
• 22:11
  of opinion, your opinion versus my opinion.
• 22:13
  You like chocolate, I like vanilla.
• 22:15
  We are now have a conflict, you know, and, and the weight of
• 22:17
  that conflict will obviously differ.
• 22:20
  But but that's kind of how it it, it evolved going.
• 22:23
  Where's that niche? Where has the impact been in my
• 22:26
  life so far? And how do I pull that together
• 22:30
  and and make this a bigger energy as I move forward in my
• 22:33
  career, my life? Yeah, in a nutshell.
• 22:36
  Yeah, but that's you said something so important.
• 22:40
  I mean so many things so important there.
• 22:42
  But what really came to mind, and you and I talked about this
• 22:46
  a little bit before we started recording, was there's so much
• 22:50
  fear around it, but where there's there's knowledge
• 22:54
  creates a power and a confidence.
• 22:57
  So when we have knowledge, when we have resources, then it, it,
• 23:02
  it removes the fear and the ability.
• 23:04
  But for some reason it sometimes takes a nudge for people to even
• 23:09
  ask for the resources and feel empowered in this space.
• 23:15
  And so Even so, how do you, how do you approach people when
• 23:21
  you're like, you know, I think I can help you.
• 23:23
  This is how and you see the fear.
• 23:26
  What it what? What are some examples that you
• 23:28
  use to remind them of this is actually going to remove that
• 23:33
  that not remove it completely. Sometimes conversations are just
• 23:36
  hard no matter how many tools you have, but it's going to give
• 23:39
  you a resources to feel like you've got something to draw on
• 23:43
  going in. So when working with clients who
• 23:48
  do start exhibiting that that risk aversion, that anxiousness
• 23:52
  around those difficult conversations around the
• 23:54
  potential conflicts, even the word conflict can cause anxiety
• 23:58
  and people. So they're more.
• 23:59
  Difficult conversations, which in my mind is essentially the
• 24:02
  same thing, but. Whatever makes it work.
• 24:04
  Whatever makes it work. So when approaching that
• 24:09
  anxiousness, it it is really about sitting down and walking
• 24:12
  through that risk assessment. What do you actually think is
• 24:17
  going to happen here? And one of the examples I really
• 24:21
  love to use, and I came across it ages ago and it just sort of
• 24:23
  keeps coming up is, you know, going to the family reunion and
• 24:27
  really not wanting to talk to grandma because, you know,
• 24:29
  grandma's going to bring up your weight you.
• 24:32
  Really put on a couple. Pounds there, dear.
• 24:34
  You know she's going to bring up the weight.
• 24:37
  Here's a respected elder. Here's a woman that you love.
• 24:41
  Here's a topic you really don't like to talk about.
• 24:46
  Don't want to talk about the love handles or the hips or
• 24:49
  whatever it is. You don't want to do it.
• 24:52
  But what is the real risk here? If you say grandma, why don't we
• 24:55
  just go play cards? I don't want to talk about this.
• 24:57
  I'm not comfortable here. What is the real risk there?
• 25:01
  You know? Well, he's going to stop loving
• 25:02
  me and the family's going to hate me.
• 25:03
  And, you know, we all go to this catastrophic kind of thing and
• 25:06
  she's going to die of a heart attack.
• 25:07
  And they told her she can't talk about it.
• 25:09
  OK, let's walk that back a little bit.
• 25:12
  Granted, lot they're fears, not terribly logical, but but
• 25:16
  they're fierce and they're there.
• 25:18
  So. So now that we've got worst case
• 25:20
  scenario in a box over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:24
  Well, poor grandma, because you tell her you don't want her to
• 25:25
  talk about your weight anymore. Let's be realistic.
• 25:30
  What's going to actually happen? Well, she could get mad.
• 25:33
  OK, What does that look like and what does that mean?
• 25:36
  And how does that manifest? You know, and, and really
• 25:40
  starting to unpack the, the fear and the assumptions around
• 25:46
  what's going on. We treat thoughts and
• 25:48
  assumptions as truth rather than treating them as just thoughts
• 25:53
  and assumptions so many times. Very much so.
• 25:57
  Very much so. It's very much like, no, no, I'm
• 26:00
  not going to send my food back. I know it's not what I ordered,
• 26:03
  but I'm not going to send it back because they're going to
• 26:04
  spit in my food. OK, Wanted the chicken, not the
• 26:12
  steak. Yeah.
• 26:15
  It's the things that that we we kind of start to internalize
• 26:19
  and, and this is where I come back to the messages that you're
• 26:22
  giving yourself, the messages that you're on boarding.
• 26:26
  And I see this a lot. And I saw this with my own kids
• 26:28
  and I see this a lot with some of my clients, that the
• 26:30
  messaging that you're ingesting, particularly from social media
• 26:35
  is going to impact how you perceive reality.
• 26:38
  Well, if I say, you know, if I say this or, you know, I get
• 26:40
  angry at somebody on the roads, they're going to come.
• 26:42
  They're going to smash my window open with a tire.
• 26:46
  OK, This is what you're seeing on the TikTok.
• 26:50
  I get it. But it is not as likely as
• 26:55
  you're probably making it out today.
• 26:57
  Yeah, Yeah, that's a really good example.
• 27:00
  I mean, what we ingest, what is in our subconscious and what we
• 27:04
  start, man, because those algorithms are, they just keep
• 27:09
  feeding you that you can go down a rabbit hole real quick and all
• 27:12
  of a sudden you're scared to death of everything or angry
• 27:17
  about something that maybe you should be a little angry about,
• 27:20
  but not to the level that you've gotten to because the algorithm
• 27:23
  has just kept reeling, reeling, reeling, reeling.
• 27:26
  So bringing that people back to what's a more likely scenario,
• 27:30
  let's break this down into what could actually be.
• 27:34
  And that in itself removes fear because you're like, that truth,
• 27:39
  that thought we're not going to treat, or that thought that
• 27:43
  here, we're not going to treat that as truth.
• 27:45
  I'm not going to tell you it's not absolutely possible,
• 27:49
  impossible. But what do we think is going to
• 27:53
  actually happen here? Yeah.
• 27:55
  And that's really kind of a basic premise, but I think we
• 27:57
  overlook that. Very much so.
• 28:00
  And, and it's also, and I love your point about the nervous
• 28:03
  system, it's about training the nervous system to get
• 28:05
  comfortable with the uncomfortable.
• 28:07
  So when we're looking at boundaries and we're looking at
• 28:09
  having those difficult conversations, conflicts, we're
• 28:11
  looking at having those, You know, it's about starting small
• 28:17
  where the risk is small. It's about sending the chicken
• 28:21
  back when you ordered the steak because what's the risk of ever
• 28:24
  seeing that waiter again? Probably not a lot.
• 28:27
  What is going to happen to your relationship with the waiter?
• 28:31
  Probably not a lot. I've known him for 6 minutes
• 28:35
  versus starting out with your boss.
• 28:37
  You're a loser and didn't give me a raise.
• 28:43
  Yeah. So instead of taking the nervous
• 28:46
  system and jumping full into the shock, which works for some
• 28:49
  folks, I'm not going to, I'm not going to get to get it.
• 28:51
  I'm, I'm once I get over the original fear, I'm, I'm a
• 28:54
  cannonball girl. Yeah, some folks need that,
• 28:58
  that, that gradual build up. So we start with the waiter and
• 29:01
  then we go to the library where you see that librarian on a
• 29:04
  regular basis and on a weekly basis.
• 29:06
  And you're really not happy. And you want to talk about
• 29:08
  something, you know, the, the parking in the front, whatever.
• 29:10
  And then bring it up to eventually you get to grandma
• 29:14
  and eventually then, oh gosh, we got to mom.
• 29:17
  Now we're going to go to the boss and ask for that race, You
• 29:20
  know, with the risk associated with it, because risk is, is
• 29:24
  based on so many things. You know what you're asking for
• 29:27
  the relationship involved from the type of relationship and the
• 29:30
  depth of the relationship. You know, if you've never really
• 29:32
  been close to your mother, confronting your mother and
• 29:35
  having that difficult conversation might not be as
• 29:36
  impactful as someone who has been very close and has an
• 29:40
  intramesh relationship with that parent.
• 29:42
  You know, so it's it's very individual.
• 29:44
  So I I find a lot of time folks coming to me and going.
• 29:47
  So what's the silver bullet? And my very unsatisfying answer
• 29:51
  is there isn't 1 Yes. You got to do the work.
• 29:57
  What is your bullet? Because this is all about you.
• 29:59
  Because we're all individuals. We all have reprogramming.
• 30:03
  Even when I work with families, for example, when we're doing
• 30:06
  the coaching, I have two sisters that are like 16-18 months
• 30:10
  apart. They were raised in the same
• 30:11
  home by the same parents and have two totally different
• 30:14
  perspectives on life. They have two totally different
• 30:17
  perspectives on how they were raised.
• 30:18
  They have two totally different relationships with the same
• 30:22
  parent in the same household, separated by only 18 months.
• 30:26
  So yeah, there is no silver bullet.
• 30:28
  Yeah, that's such a good example.
• 30:32
  Because no one's truth is less, no one's lived experience is
• 30:37
  less true than the other, even though it's very different.
• 30:40
  And so creating space for everybody to be heard, seen and
• 30:45
  known, even when your story and their story aren't in alignment,
• 30:50
  doesn't minimize. And that's really the first step
• 30:53
  in being able to have a meaningful conversation with
• 30:57
  each other is just that understanding that empathy,
• 31:01
  listening, I mean, gosh, listening is such a big
• 31:06
  component of this. And I'm, I say that because I
• 31:09
  am, I am not always the best listener in conflict.
• 31:14
  I'm ready to fight. I'm ready with the next
• 31:16
  comeback. I'm because I grew up in an
• 31:19
  environment where that was very much the case.
• 31:21
  So I've had to learn how to show up at a level set in these
• 31:29
  situations. I've had to learn to say, I'm
• 31:32
  feeling more emotionally charged than I think is good for this
• 31:37
  conversation right now. So can we table this for 24
• 31:41
  hours, 30 minutes a week and come back to it?
• 31:46
  Because so many times what happens with that is it swept
• 31:48
  under the rug and it's never visited again and it creeps up
• 31:51
  later into a bigger, badder problem.
• 31:53
  But tabling that and committing to a time to come back to it.
• 31:58
  But it starts with that, that seeing each other and stories
• 32:02
  with empathy and understanding and not just dismissing the the
• 32:06
  truth in their own story just because it's different from
• 32:08
  yours. Very much so.
• 32:11
  There's got to be an openness to to build on your thought.
• 32:14
  There's got to be an openness to accept the other person's
• 32:18
  perception as reality and incorporate that into your own.
• 32:23
  Just because you have different perspective about a certain
• 32:27
  situation doesn't mean the other person is wrong and you are
• 32:31
  right. If you're walking into a
• 32:33
  difficult conversation or a conflict with a win lose
• 32:37
  mentality, you've already lost. There is no way this is going to
• 32:42
  end well at all. I've been in mediations and, and
• 32:47
  we were there for oh golly, we had about 8 hours total together
• 32:51
  split up over difference. And it was this dichotomy
• 32:54
  between one individual and another individual.
• 32:56
  Well, you did this. Well, that's not what I did.
• 32:58
  I actually did this. No, no, no, I'm sure you did
• 33:01
  that. A No, no, no, what I was meaning
• 33:03
  to do was B No, no, no, What you did was A and we spent 8 hours
• 33:07
  with both of them. So entrenched that even taking
• 33:11
  each other's perspectives and they were so entrenched in the A
• 33:16
  versus B that you're wrong, I'm right.
• 33:19
  This is not going to end until you agree with me that the
• 33:23
  mediation was unsuccessful. It just at 8 hours, we called it
• 33:27
  saying, OK, this is not going anywhere.
• 33:30
  I don't feel like I'm helping. I don't know if you feel like
• 33:33
  I'm helping, but we do have to stop.
• 33:36
  And so really being open to changing your step to change
• 33:42
  your perspective. And this works not only in
• 33:44
  families as well, but at work that no, no, my department needs
• 33:48
  A, No, no, my department needs B.
• 33:50
  It's like, OK, well, if we both need something, we got to figure
• 33:52
  out how to do it. Yeah.
• 33:54
  Yeah. And so often it becomes, you
• 33:57
  know, getting troops into your camp going, OK, we're going to
• 34:00
  do A because that's our department, and I'm going to
• 34:02
  talk to the boss over there. And then the other person is
• 34:05
  gathering their troops. And.
• 34:06
  And the next thing we know, we're in our trenches on the
• 34:08
  opposite side is the battlefield, you know, one
• 34:11
  wanting A and one wanting B. And this is not good for an
• 34:13
  organization from a strategic perspective.
• 34:15
  This is suicide. Not going to happen, you know,
• 34:19
  And, and it requires that ability to be emotionally
• 34:21
  intelligent enough to say, OK, for the better good of the
• 34:25
  organization, we have to bring A&B together and figure out what
• 34:28
  C looks like. Yeah.
• 34:29
  And that's. Terribly hard, yeah, but you
• 34:33
  have to be. I think you hit something so
• 34:35
  important. You have to decide going into
• 34:37
  this what your end goal is. If your end goal is winning,
• 34:41
  then you're you need to turn back out and go back out the
• 34:44
  door and and get to a different space where your end goal is.
• 34:49
  Where can we come to some kind of resolution that, you know, we
• 34:54
  may both have to give up some things, but we both are better
• 34:57
  off as a whole in the relationship, in the
• 35:00
  organization, in the family dynamic, whatever it is.
• 35:03
  And if they're if, if both parties aren't willing to accept
• 35:07
  that part of the deal or there's just some non negotiables that
• 35:12
  you know, then you're not going to get anywhere.
• 35:15
  You've got to be part of it. You can't expect someone to come
• 35:17
  in with your skill set and just have that, that silver bullet
• 35:23
  again, that we talked about, this is a this is joint.
• 35:26
  And sometimes there's things we all need to have our non
• 35:29
  negotiables. And at that point it might be
• 35:31
  deciding, you know, maybe it's time for this relationship to
• 35:34
  take a backseat. Maybe I need to love you from
• 35:36
  afar for a while. Maybe it's time for us to
• 35:40
  dissolve and do something different.
• 35:42
  That can be true and sometimes that can be what needs to be
• 35:46
  done. But if you really, if you're
• 35:48
  going into that again with that I got to win mentality, then
• 35:55
  probably not going to get very far.
• 35:58
  Agreed, agreed. And one of the things I see, and
• 36:00
  you see this on the TikTok a lot because I do the the conflict
• 36:03
  thing and I, I, I see it on the TikTok a lot that you didn't
• 36:06
  agree with me. So I'm just going to cut her
• 36:07
  out. Oh, boy.
• 36:09
  If your go to in conflict is if we don't reach a resolution,
• 36:15
  you're out of my life forever. That's your first go to.
• 36:19
  You're going to end up very lonely.
• 36:21
  Yeah. While it's always on the table
• 36:24
  and it's always an option, depending on the relationship,
• 36:27
  depending on all sorts of factors, we can go that way.
• 36:32
  But what do you really want? And this is where I bring the
• 36:35
  tool in called the Oculus owl. It's it's a quick little
• 36:38
  acronym, also known as empathetic insertion 3 three
• 36:43
  letters to make who. So think of the owl.
• 36:46
  Think of who. And before you step into a room
• 36:50
  for a difficult conversation, the West is what?
• 36:53
  Without emotion, without the boiling water, What exactly is
• 36:58
  it that you're you're the concern is?
• 37:02
  Yeah. And you would be surprised how
• 37:04
  difficult that is when you sit down saying I'm going to go talk
• 37:07
  to this person and I really have to articulate without emotion,
• 37:11
  without saying they're crazy, this is all their fault.
• 37:14
  You know, re identifying dispassionately what the concern
• 37:18
  is H in The Who stands for how, how do you want to see it
• 37:24
  resolved? In an ideal world, you know, I
• 37:28
  would prefer you to come to me instead of talking to the boss
• 37:31
  so we can potentially find a resolution together.
• 37:35
  OK, Yeah, I have concerns when the boss comes to me about a
• 37:38
  question I've asked you. I would prefer that we work
• 37:41
  together on a solution. So can we set up a call before
• 37:44
  it goes to the boss so that we can potentially come to a
• 37:46
  solution? And then the O is opening
• 37:49
  yourself up to the relationship and negotiation.
• 37:52
  What do you think about that? I don't want it to go to the
• 37:56
  boss. This is a concern for me right
• 37:57
  out of the gate. I want some time to talk about
• 38:00
  it together before we go to the boss.
• 38:01
  What do you think about my idea? Instead of you're always
• 38:06
  crawling around behind my back and running to the boss and
• 38:08
  every little thing that's stupid, you're going to stop.
• 38:12
  I'm saying the same thing. Yes, the delivery and the words
• 38:19
  matter. Very much so.
• 38:22
  And it it's getting yourself beyond the tit, tit, tit, tit,
• 38:25
  tit, tit and into the Oculus, out into the dispassionate,
• 38:29
  what's going on into the objective.
• 38:32
  This is how I would like to see it resolved.
• 38:35
  And then opening yourself up to negotiation because you,
• 38:37
  Melissa, might have a different option.
• 38:39
  It's like, well, they have to be kept abreast.
• 38:41
  I agree. So let's copy them on the
• 38:43
  meeting as an optional attendance.
• 38:45
  What do you think about that? And there's that negotiation.
• 38:48
  I want A, you want B, and we're finding something in the middle
• 38:53
  without compromising either one of us for our non negotiables.
• 38:57
  Yeah, but it's the dispassion and working through those
• 39:01
  emotions yourself because quite honestly, your emotions are your
• 39:04
  problem. I have my own to deal with.
• 39:06
  Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 39:09
  If you're coming to me with a conflict, expecting me to make
• 39:12
  you feel better, you're going to be disappointed because the last
• 39:15
  time I checked, not a human alive had a magic wand to make
• 39:18
  you feel anything. Yeah.
• 39:21
  I cannot make you feel happy. I cannot make you feel sad.
• 39:24
  I cannot make you feel. Responsible.
• 39:26
  Too. No.
• 39:29
  These are your choices as much as an unpopular decision.
• 39:32
  And to comment, that is your choice.
• 39:35
  To be angry is precisely that, your choice.
• 39:38
  The guy cuts off, cuts you off in traffic, it is your choice to
• 39:42
  lay on the the horn, tailgate them and make rude gestures.
• 39:45
  That is your choice. Nobody's forcing you to do that.
• 39:49
  But they caught me. Yes, it is very frustrating.
• 39:53
  Yes, they. All.
• 39:53
  Yeah, yeah. Yes, you were scared, but you
• 39:58
  chose to get upset. Yeah, yeah.
• 40:01
  And respond in that way, yeah. Decides that and when I'm in
• 40:07
  these coaching relationships, a lot of time that that taking
• 40:09
  responsibility for your own emotional reaction takes a lot
• 40:12
  of work. A lot of times we haven't been
• 40:15
  taught to do that. They make me so angry.
• 40:18
  They made you angry? Well, they are a very powerful
• 40:21
  person. But yeah, you gave your power
• 40:25
  away and getting into that why? What is in your story that is
• 40:30
  igniting this? What is the why behind it?
• 40:32
  Is it actually them or what does this light up in you that is
• 40:37
  that this is based in from whatever scenario, whatever
• 40:41
  situation time in your life and getting.
• 40:44
  I've had to really work on this that getting curious rather than
• 40:48
  judgmental getting and but it requires a really like pause and
• 40:56
  think through because I'm a very emotional person and you ask
• 41:00
  anybody that knows me, I can be very reactionary and very get
• 41:04
  very fired up about things I'm very passionate about.
• 41:07
  So this is something I have to be mindful of all of the time.
• 41:11
  And I had to even learn that that kind of response well may
• 41:16
  have some justification in the core of it is not going to move
• 41:20
  the needle necessarily on something.
• 41:23
  And what's a better, more well thought out, well planned way
• 41:29
  and healthier as well for me to really get to where I'm going
• 41:36
  and, and consider, you know, I think you hit on something so
• 41:39
  important that our emotions, the way we feel, how we show up in
• 41:43
  the world, taking care of those things is on us to do our own
• 41:47
  work and ask those hard questions and get curious about
• 41:51
  the sources and heal those places that need to be healed so
• 41:56
  we can show up present and as objective as possible when these
• 42:01
  conflicts come up. So, yeah, going back to that
• 42:03
  silver bullet, sorry folks, it's a whole layered process that we
• 42:09
  that we have to go into. Very much so when you were
• 42:12
  speaking, what what clicked for me was a client I was working
• 42:16
  with and a leadership coaching and they had this horrible
• 42:18
  conflict going on with their boss.
• 42:20
  I hate them. They're terrible and it's awful.
• 42:23
  Every time they talk to me, I lose my mind.
• 42:25
  It's just, and it's like, OK, so what's the what's the West here?
• 42:30
  What are you upset about in this instance?
• 42:31
  Well, it's just that. But where's the emotion coming
• 42:35
  from? Well, she says, it's just like
• 42:36
  my mother did back up the bus. Your boss is not your mom.
• 42:43
  So what do you think your boss's motivation is for saying this?
• 42:47
  Well, they're just trying to do that.
• 42:49
  OK, so your boss's motivation is this, this is what's bothering
• 42:52
  you. How do you want it to?
• 42:53
  So if we were able to identify and start to separate a little
• 42:57
  bit that emotional reaction because they use a similar
• 43:00
  phrasing and tone as someone in their past and how we're going
• 43:03
  to move forward with that, knowing that the intent may not
• 43:07
  be the same. Yeah, yeah.
• 43:09
  So and, and focusing forward because so many times I, I get
• 43:13
  caught with, with my clients and we're stuck.
• 43:15
  Well, well, it's just, well, it OK, Can we forward face, please?
• 43:20
  I appreciate the backward face, but you came to me for a
• 43:24
  leadership problem. You want to be a better leader.
• 43:26
  So how are you going to do that? You want to get better at
• 43:29
  conflicts so you can progress and get that promotion you want.
• 43:32
  How are you going to do that? And looking backwards saying,
• 43:36
  well this happened to me in my past and This is why I react the
• 43:38
  way I do and you're just going to have to deal with it is not
• 43:40
  helpful. No, no.
• 43:43
  And it just keeps you going on the same trajectory instead of
• 43:45
  being like, we can't assume everybody's going to.
• 43:49
  But it it, you know, it tells you how much that imprints on
• 43:53
  us. And when something like that
• 43:55
  imprints on us and continues to come up, we have to go back and
• 43:58
  heal that wound or open that door, acknowledge that emotion
• 44:02
  and figure out what we need to do so that every time we have a
• 44:06
  situation come up like that, that many times these things
• 44:09
  come up over and over and over again in the world.
• 44:11
  We're not attaching that past situation to this current one
• 44:14
  all the time, because then we're just going to stay stuck.
• 44:19
  Very much so. And and that's the defining
• 44:21
  moment between coaching and counseling.
• 44:24
  As a coach, I'm very forward focused.
• 44:26
  I want you to get that promotion.
• 44:28
  I want you to heal that riff with your family.
• 44:30
  I am forward focus. If you start turning back around
• 44:34
  and wanting to deal with whatever issues happen back
• 44:37
  there, that's your counselor, that's your therapist, that's
• 44:39
  your psychiatry, and we have a multifaceted approach.
• 44:43
  You go to the right professional for the right thing.
• 44:47
  I love that delineation. That was really good and really
• 44:51
  important and I think under important for people to
• 44:53
  understand when they are looking for guidance, direction,
• 44:58
  insights, resources to really be fully thinking what it is.
• 45:02
  Am I looking for and is that a reasonable ask from this
• 45:07
  particular person or do I need to bring in other place people
• 45:11
  in other parts of my life so that this can actually be
• 45:14
  successful? Yes, I still need this.
• 45:16
  So thank you for that. That was really good.
• 45:19
  And this really, we've been talking about this the whole
• 45:21
  time, really, especially the last few minutes.
• 45:25
  But living out of your own expectations versus others, We
• 45:29
  run into people all the time. You had to come to that point
• 45:32
  where it's like living out of what I've decided the workplace
• 45:37
  and these places expect of me is not serving me anymore.
• 45:40
  That good girl script is not serving me anymore.
• 45:45
  And we all have to get to a place where, and some people
• 45:48
  don't. I mean, sadly, some people don't
• 45:50
  get there and they continue to suffer because they think they
• 45:54
  don't have a choice. They think they don't see a way
• 45:59
  out or they're not willing. They're comfortable.
• 46:02
  And I, and I always say comfort can be the enemy of curiosity
• 46:07
  and health. So I'm not talking about comfort
• 46:11
  of having electricity and running water in those kind and
• 46:14
  food. I'm talking about comfort in
• 46:16
  your social situations, your work situations.
• 46:19
  Are you thriving? You and I both.
• 46:22
  We do work that lights us up, that makes us want to get up in
• 46:25
  the morning, that inspires us to have these conversations.
• 46:30
  Sometimes that's not possible for everybody in their
• 46:33
  workspace. But are you feeling your cup and
• 46:35
  your place up with other things that light you up?
• 46:38
  Hobbies, activities that nourish you, those kinds of things.
• 46:43
  But you got to a point where you realized this was necessary.
• 46:47
  And so much of what you do is really helping people
• 46:50
  communicate their expectations instead of assuming that people
• 46:58
  just know or they should know or they're or my expectations
• 47:03
  aren't as important as their expectations.
• 47:05
  You know, we give our power away.
• 47:06
  So talk to me about your own expectations journey and how
• 47:10
  that helps you in the work that you do today with people.
• 47:14
  Very much so. So when I, I started, when I
• 47:18
  started my career, I very much fell into it.
• 47:20
  I started a part time job that turned into a full time job that
• 47:23
  you know, I I started climbing up the ladder going.
• 47:28
  This works. All right.
• 47:34
  So it was more of a fall in and I've encountered this also with
• 47:38
  so many clients over the ages, ages over the years.
• 47:43
  That's now we'll sit down and I had to sit down and I had to do
• 47:46
  it with myself. I actually had a mentor who sit
• 47:48
  down and asked me the same question.
• 47:49
  I find this is a silver bullet. What are your goals?
• 47:55
  I have encountered so many professionals in my career that
• 47:58
  when we sit down to take a look at what is your next step, What
• 48:02
  are your goals? What do you want?
• 48:05
  You either get, I don't know, or the flip answer.
• 48:08
  I want your job. I'm like, OK, we, we need to
• 48:11
  flesh that out all. Right.
• 48:14
  Again, we're going to ask. A question really.
• 48:21
  A lot of us get into these things.
• 48:23
  You know, we become executives, become professionals, we become
• 48:26
  leaders. And is this what we want?
• 48:29
  Is this a conscious decision or are we following the next piece
• 48:34
  of Flotsam and Jessam that sort of floats past the raft?
• 48:37
  You know, when articulating what do you want to do with your
• 48:41
  life, people will sit and and very much to your point, there's
• 48:46
  a comfort. Well, I'm I'm in a job and I'm,
• 48:48
  I'm OK. OK, you're in a job and you're
• 48:50
  OK. But are you happy?
• 48:52
  Well, what does happy mean? What would happy mean to you?
• 48:54
  Because you're you came to me saying you're gaining weight and
• 48:57
  you're looking at potentially getting a new job.
• 48:59
  So what does happy mean to you? Yeah, Yeah.
• 49:05
  And, and it's really sitting down and being able to explore
• 49:07
  that. And I do challenge folks once a
• 49:10
  year, sit down at least five points.
• 49:13
  What are your goals? What are your goals and how have
• 49:16
  they changed since last year and why have they changed since last
• 49:20
  year? Do we have a new baby on the
• 49:23
  way? That'll change your goals,
• 49:24
  right? Upside down all of a sudden goes
• 49:27
  in the corporate ladder to being a present parent.
• 49:30
  You know, it can, it can change for every individual, but there
• 49:34
  are so many people I've come across and it's just
• 49:37
  heartbreaking when I find it. What do you want to do?
• 49:40
  What are your life goals? And there's really nothing on
• 49:44
  the plate. You know, there's parsley left
• 49:45
  on the edge, but there's no meat and potatoes, and that'll stifle
• 49:50
  you. That causes mental stress.
• 49:52
  That causes a feeling of being stuck.
• 49:55
  Well, I'll just sit here until something gets better or until
• 49:58
  something catastrophic happens. What happens if you downsize?
• 50:02
  What happens if you get, you know, filtered out?
• 50:05
  You get your pink slip? What's going to what's going to
• 50:07
  happen then? And this is where it can become
• 50:10
  catastrophic for the individual who doesn't have goals, who
• 50:13
  doesn't have that next level set up, or at least a vague idea of
• 50:17
  what the next level looks. Yeah, yeah.
• 50:21
  The most successful folks I've found have that goal.
• 50:26
  You know, I'm going to straighten up, I'm going to fly
• 50:28
  right and I'm going to move up the ladder to the next level by
• 50:30
  doing XY and Z. And lo and behold, we did it.
• 50:34
  It's like, OK, Sir, are you happy now?
• 50:36
  Is this, is this it? Well, no, no, I think I can do
• 50:39
  more. I think I can do better.
• 50:40
  I'm a fairly smart person. I've got the education behind
• 50:42
  me. What would happen maybe if I I
• 50:45
  went to a different level of it? I don't know.
• 50:47
  What do you want out of it? And lo and behold, the goals
• 50:51
  were set and this individual went from entry level position
• 50:56
  and is currently vice president. It's was about the goals and
• 51:02
  being open to the lessons and being open to the challenge and
• 51:06
  being open to be uncomfortable, being brave.
• 51:11
  Yeah. And that.
• 51:12
  Uncomfortable. Piece yes, a huge difference
• 51:17
  between this individual and some others that I've worked with who
• 51:20
  I don't have goals. I'm OK where I am.
• 51:22
  Are you? Are you sure?
• 51:24
  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, because there is
• 51:28
  an an error that people carry about them when they are
• 51:33
  comfortable versus satisfied and those can look very different.
• 51:39
  And I love your piece about coming back and checking in with
• 51:42
  yourself every year. Are you, are you, are your goals
• 51:46
  the same? Have they changed?
• 51:47
  Are you looking to be more present for your family?
• 51:50
  Do are your parents reaching years where you need to spend
• 51:54
  some more time with them, care for them?
• 51:56
  Figure that out? Are you wanting to travel more?
• 51:59
  Do you, are you feeling the need to infuse more activities that
• 52:03
  nourish you? You know, values that you have
• 52:06
  that you're not making enough space for to kind of maybe you
• 52:10
  are where you want to be. You've made that BP role.
• 52:13
  You're happy in the job, you feel like you're meeting, but
• 52:16
  there's other areas of your life.
• 52:17
  I mean, just getting and, and getting like where is that Y
• 52:20
  coming from? Is it coming from my own
• 52:23
  expectations and what I authentically care about?
• 52:27
  Is it being driven by something else and, and parsing that out
• 52:31
  because that will make a difference.
• 52:33
  I mean, I think so many of us, and I know this is the case for
• 52:36
  me. You get to 455055 and you start
• 52:42
  assessing your life and who's expectations and am I living out
• 52:48
  of who's why, whose values. If I'm feeling angsty, that's
• 52:53
  telling me I need to ask myself these questions and really using
• 52:59
  these frameworks, this framework that I use on here, the
• 53:02
  framework that you're talking about, start checking in with
• 53:05
  yourself. Because we go through different
• 53:07
  seasons, it is unrealistic to think that everything's just
• 53:11
  going to stay static as we grow and evolve and change, just go
• 53:15
  through different seasons, unexpected things are going to
• 53:18
  happen. And so are you firmly rooted
• 53:22
  enough in your why, your value, your expectations, who you are
• 53:25
  as a person that you can weather that storm, that unexpected
• 53:30
  storm? I mean, there's so many pieces
• 53:32
  and that goes into, comes back to being able to communicate
• 53:37
  effectively. Once you know what those YS,
• 53:40
  those values, those things are, who do you need to communicate
• 53:44
  those two first? Communicate them to yourself.
• 53:47
  But who else needs to hear about this?
• 53:51
  Which really, I mean that that's such a key component of this.
• 53:57
  And this comes nicely back around into where we started the
• 53:59
  conversation, talking about boundaries and the difficult
• 54:03
  conversations that go with them. Because as your goals change,
• 54:08
  your boundaries need tending, your boundaries will change.
• 54:11
  You've got to move the, the, the, the Bush a little bit.
• 54:14
  You've got to move the hedge just a little bit.
• 54:16
  And that ties into your goals, which is going to make setting
• 54:20
  that boundary easier, which is going to make having that
• 54:23
  conversation easier. If you don't know why you're
• 54:26
  setting a boundary and you don't know what your your angle is, it
• 54:30
  becomes very difficult because you don't have a firm footing in
• 54:34
  that motivation and in that that value setting.
• 54:38
  And, and it does become hard and becomes much easier to waffle.
• 54:42
  It becomes much easier to say I said it and maybe they got yeah.
• 54:49
  Right, right. And going back to that, you
• 54:51
  know, again, we have to like when we show up a little
• 54:53
  differently or things change, we got to keep communicating that.
• 54:56
  We got to get our system comfortable with that.
• 54:59
  We got to settle into that and stay committed to that and also
• 55:04
  make if you're coming from someone else's why expectation
• 55:07
  or hope that they where they want you to be, you're it's not
• 55:11
  going to stick either. It's got to be from you.
• 55:14
  And that might be part of the hard conversation is like, I
• 55:17
  understand this is important to you and this comes up in
• 55:19
  relationships, your partners, your kids, your parents, But but
• 55:24
  this is where I am on it. And I cannot effectively I
• 55:28
  execute this in my life because this isn't what's authentically
• 55:31
  tied to me. And I understand that might
• 55:33
  disappoint you, but I need to not disappoint myself.
• 55:37
  So how do we, you know, how do we get to a common place of of
• 55:42
  being able to move? Forward.
• 55:45
  In this space. Because when we're having those
• 55:50
  difficult conversations, when we're having those conflicts,
• 55:55
  we're investing in the relationship.
• 55:57
  We're not breaking a relationship.
• 56:00
  If you avoid the conflict, if you avoid the difficult
• 56:03
  conversation, if you ignore it or you cut the individual off,
• 56:07
  the investment that goes into that relationship has ended.
• 56:11
  Yeah. And the, the IT will depreciate
• 56:15
  in value. That relationship will
• 56:16
  depreciate at that point. So conflict, when we we have it
• 56:21
  in our head that conflict is a bad thing.
• 56:25
  It's not it's, it's precious and it's valuable and it shows that
• 56:31
  you're willing to commit to that relationship.
• 56:34
  Yeah, and builds trust because you you're both willing to show
• 56:38
  up and work through that the the difficult stuff you need.
• 56:43
  It means enough to both of you. Yeah, that's so good.
• 56:47
  All right. And we'll come back to that in a
• 56:48
  little bit in a minute, But talk to me about accepting the
• 56:52
  layered aspects of yourself. I think so many, the ability to
• 56:57
  like really feel good about yourself, feel good about your
• 56:59
  value, and communicate effectively on your own behalf.
• 57:04
  A lot of it is is layered in, pun intended, the ability to
• 57:08
  accept the layered aspects of yourself, the parts where you
• 57:12
  made decisions you wish you hadn't.
• 57:14
  You chose a job you wish you didn't.
• 57:15
  You stayed longer than you should have.
• 57:18
  You, you know, whatever the case may be, the surprise happened.
• 57:21
  You didn't respond the way you wanted to.
• 57:23
  You can't go back and change it. But it is a part of your story.
• 57:27
  And so getting instead of, you know, trying to hide it or
• 57:30
  having shame around it, accepting it, that embodies and
• 57:35
  impacts how you feel about yourself and also embodies and
• 57:40
  impacts your ability to communicate authentically and
• 57:43
  honestly and fully so that you can have the kind of
• 57:47
  relationship that is going to feel good to you and the person
• 57:52
  you're in a relationship with. And this goes for relationships
• 57:55
  in your personal life as well as your work life.
• 57:58
  So talk to me about your layers journey.
• 58:02
  So the layers journey for me sort of came down to, to two
• 58:05
  points and I, I jotted them down as you were speaking.
• 58:07
  Sorry, didn't forget the first one is Grace.
• 58:13
  There is not one human being alive who's ever done everything
• 58:17
  in their life absolutely perfectly the way it a should
• 58:21
  have been done. And for those of you who don't
• 58:23
  see the camera I'm using really big air quotes should have been
• 58:30
  done or I could have done better.
• 58:32
  You know, I I call it shooting on yourself.
• 58:35
  Don't do that. It should have been better
• 58:39
  giving yourself the grace that I'm a flawed human being just
• 58:42
  like everybody else. You know, things happened, I
• 58:46
  fixed them. Whatever happened.
• 58:48
  The second piece was learning. What did I learn as opposed to I
• 58:53
  should have, or I'm so bad, or I made such a mistake, I'm so
• 58:58
  stupid. What was my lesson?
• 59:03
  What is my take away from this event or takeaways depending on
• 59:08
  the event that I'm going to try to put into my future
• 59:14
  experiences and and really trying to take the lesson and
• 59:20
  the grace, OK, I screwed it up, but I learned X and I'm going to
• 59:24
  use X over there. Yeah, it's that forward facing
• 59:29
  this and not getting stuck into that feedback loop of I made a
• 59:32
  mistake, I made a mistake, I made a mistake, I made a
• 59:34
  mistake. Giving yourself the grace that
• 59:37
  Yep, you made a mistake, move on.
• 59:38
  Yep. Yep, Yep, we all do.
• 59:41
  Mm Hmm. Well, I'm so embarrassed.
• 59:46
  That's fair. We're allowed to be embarrassed.
• 59:49
  And it doesn't last forever. Not unless you make it last
• 59:52
  forever. So giving yourself to make the
• 59:57
  mistake and then once the mistake is made, to learn from
• 1:00:00
  the mistake. What are my carry forwards?
• 1:00:03
  Yeah. Yeah, so important because I
• 1:00:06
  think too, if you're in constant conflict with yourself on these
• 1:00:09
  things, it's going to be very difficult to work through
• 1:00:12
  conflict with other people because you're in constant
• 1:00:14
  conflict with yourself. Do you see a relationship
• 1:00:17
  between that when you're working with people?
• 1:00:20
  Very much, Sarah. And this brings us back to the
• 1:00:22
  goals. What do you want out of life?
• 1:00:24
  I hate my job. OK, So what do you want out of
• 1:00:26
  life? Yeah, yeah, OK.
• 1:00:30
  I, I hate my girlfriend. OK, So what do you want out of
• 1:00:32
  life? You know, it, it, it kind of
• 1:00:34
  comes back to the goals. We're, we're stuck in this
• 1:00:37
  place, but we don't know where we're going.
• 1:00:39
  So. So there's that feeling of
• 1:00:40
  helplessness that that starts to feed on it.
• 1:00:44
  Every human being I have ever met, and I'm sure every human
• 1:00:47
  being that you've ever met is whole and complete and has the
• 1:00:49
  answers for their own life. Yeah, the job of a coach, the
• 1:00:56
  job of a mentor, the job of a friend is to help that
• 1:01:01
  individual realize their capacity.
• 1:01:04
  What did you learn? Give yourself the grace to let
• 1:01:07
  go and then use those learnings in the future.
• 1:01:11
  Yeah. Only you can see what's going on
• 1:01:14
  in your life. And I I encounter this so much
• 1:01:17
  with clients where, well, just tell me what to do.
• 1:01:20
  I can't tell you what to do because my life, my choices, my
• 1:01:24
  perspectives are exactly that, mine.
• 1:01:28
  Yeah, Yeah. So whatever I tell you is not
• 1:01:31
  going to fit. So let's talk about what you
• 1:01:36
  need, what you think, what tools you have, what resources you
• 1:01:39
  have, and how you're going to apply them.
• 1:01:42
  Yeah, well, that's really good. I love what you said about we
• 1:01:46
  all have it within us. We all have the tools.
• 1:01:49
  Sometimes you just need someone to help pull them out, ask the
• 1:01:52
  right questions, get you thinking about them.
• 1:01:54
  That's so good. All right in living out feel
• 1:01:58
  which you do so well, finding an empowerment, embracing layers.
• 1:02:01
  Your journey has LED you to this point.
• 1:02:05
  Talk to me in your own personal life what that has done to your
• 1:02:10
  for your relationship with yourself as well as your
• 1:02:13
  relationship with other people because these tools you use are
• 1:02:17
  are work in both the workplace and in our relationships.
• 1:02:21
  And so talk to me about that for you and the impact on you
• 1:02:24
  yourself so. As the two I used to be really,
• 1:02:29
  really bad at conflict. I just want to put that out
• 1:02:31
  there into the universe. I own it completely.
• 1:02:33
  Oh my God, I used to be really bad.
• 1:02:35
  We. Work in the things that we need
• 1:02:37
  the most help on. I swear we do.
• 1:02:42
  So really understanding that, OK, I really suck at this and,
• 1:02:47
  and how am I going to move forward and how I'm going to
• 1:02:49
  make this better. And the more I learn that
• 1:02:52
  conflict is everywhere. Conflict is happening all the
• 1:02:55
  time. Even if you don't realize it,
• 1:02:57
  you know, getting the wrong coffee from the barista, you're
• 1:02:59
  in conflict. You know, it's happening all the
• 1:03:03
  time. And most of us deal with it
• 1:03:04
  without even thinking about it, without having that emotional
• 1:03:06
  hit. How do I make that happen?
• 1:03:09
  And so moving from a point of being frightened to talk to
• 1:03:13
  people, being frightened to say the wrong things, saying the
• 1:03:16
  wrong things, because I finally got the courage to say, oh, no,
• 1:03:19
  that was bad. And moving from there.
• 1:03:25
  And it's definitely helped with the anxiousness and the stress
• 1:03:29
  and the blood pressure that that kind of goes along with it.
• 1:03:32
  The more grace I had, the easier it was to engage in the
• 1:03:36
  conflict. The more I took the events as
• 1:03:39
  lessons learned as opposed to punishments for myself that I
• 1:03:44
  made a mistake and I'm being punished.
• 1:03:46
  The more lessons I took from it, the easier it was to iterate to
• 1:03:49
  the next level, which gained confidence, which brought me
• 1:03:55
  into a different career, which brought me to a point where a
• 1:03:58
  lifelong dream of writing a book actually became a reality.
• 1:04:01
  Where I was willing to reach out and build the relationships for
• 1:04:04
  people to help me. Even though we had different
• 1:04:07
  ideas. My literary coach and I, we, we,
• 1:04:09
  we got into it. I'm not going to lie.
• 1:04:11
  Well, I don't like your idea. And you like that.
• 1:04:13
  What do you think of which? Yeah, we were.
• 1:04:18
  And I still have a really excellent relationship with
• 1:04:20
  them. And it's not that the conflict
• 1:04:22
  broke the relationship. The conflict burst a product.
• 1:04:27
  It burst my passion project. And without that conflict, I
• 1:04:31
  don't think I would have gotten to where I needed to be.
• 1:04:34
  And and again, that that comes back to that.
• 1:04:37
  What are my lessons? What am I learning?
• 1:04:39
  Yes, I messed up that chapter, giving myself the grace to go
• 1:04:42
  back into it again. Yeah.
• 1:04:44
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it would be, would have
• 1:04:48
  been so easy to put down the idea of writing a book so many
• 1:04:50
  times, so many times. But I'm going to have the
• 1:04:53
  conflict. It's not total garbage.
• 1:04:56
  I'm not being punished. I have the grace to fix it.
• 1:05:00
  Yeah, to move on to the next level.
• 1:05:02
  I love how you talked about punish, seeing it as punishments
• 1:05:05
  versus learnings and lessons. That's really a powerful switch
• 1:05:10
  because when you can see it in that learnings and lessons
• 1:05:13
  versus punishments, you can start seeing choices, you can
• 1:05:17
  start feeling like you can start feeling like you're not stuck.
• 1:05:21
  And that is a very important flip to switch in your mind and
• 1:05:26
  how you view that and the power of the mind in that.
• 1:05:30
  On your on your relationship side, outside of workplaces and
• 1:05:33
  work projects, how have you seen this manifest itself in your
• 1:05:37
  relationships? So from a personal level,
• 1:05:43
  definitely when it was let's avoid conflict, let's do this.
• 1:05:49
  I'm I'm pretty sure that led to my first divorce.
• 1:05:51
  I'm not calling one of many things.
• 1:05:55
  Sure, but no, that's a big component of a relationship.
• 1:05:59
  Very much so. And and we did not fight well.
• 1:06:02
  We did not have conflict. Well, moving into the next
• 1:06:06
  relationship with OK, everything's copacetic.
• 1:06:09
  We're just not gonna fight at all.
• 1:06:10
  And to not let's have these conflicts to let's talk it out.
• 1:06:15
  And as I've seen that evolution over 20 years, 25, Oh my God,
• 1:06:21
  very long. Time as I've.
• 1:06:23
  Seen that evolution in that relationship it it's led to at
• 1:06:28
  least on my side and I can't speak for them, but it's led to
• 1:06:31
  my ability to see them as a more complete more autonomous human
• 1:06:35
  being than when I did when we first married.
• 1:06:37
  It's like, OK, so there's the partner, this is what you know,
• 1:06:40
  this is great and this is them and you know, the the depth of
• 1:06:45
  understanding of another human being.
• 1:06:47
  When I have the grace to accept I've made some mistakes and
• 1:06:52
  willingness to learn and and recognize and give the grace to
• 1:06:56
  them as well that yeah, so great.
• 1:07:01
  We didn't show up quite right. How are we going to do this?
• 1:07:05
  We move forward and being willing to to put the effort
• 1:07:09
  into the grace. And I mean, there, every
• 1:07:11
  relationship has the hiccups and, and man, if I had some
• 1:07:13
  hiccups, but sitting with it and being able to say no, the grace,
• 1:07:18
  I'm going to, I'm going to hold on to the grace.
• 1:07:20
  I could flush this relationship so easily, but I'm going to hold
• 1:07:23
  on to the grace. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:07:25
  We're going to see if we can move through this, you know,
• 1:07:28
  made all the difference in the world.
• 1:07:30
  Yeah, I bet you hear a lot when you're talking to people about
• 1:07:34
  communication, the importance of I statements when you're
• 1:07:38
  communicating what you're experiencing, is that something
• 1:07:42
  that you see and your work as a important part of instead of you
• 1:07:46
  did, you should have, you didn't, versus the way I'm
• 1:07:50
  experiencing this is X. Is that something that comes up
• 1:07:54
  in when you're working with people?
• 1:07:57
  Very much so. So even with just the language
• 1:07:59
  of how to do the Oculus out how to do The Who, I feel that I
• 1:08:03
  think that I saw that I experienced becomes a a game
• 1:08:07
  changer takes the heat out of it.
• 1:08:09
  This also talks in the agency. You made me so angry.
• 1:08:13
  You did that to me. I don't have control over my own
• 1:08:16
  life. We're in that victim stance.
• 1:08:19
  Life is happening to me. Once we're moving towards more
• 1:08:24
  of the I statements, we end up being more of a participant in
• 1:08:28
  our own life as opposed to having life happen to us.
• 1:08:32
  We're we're participating a little bit more.
• 1:08:34
  It's like, no, we're we're here. This is happening.
• 1:08:37
  I'm angry, but they didn't make me angry.
• 1:08:41
  The next step in agency is leading your own life.
• 1:08:44
  I am making the choice to do this.
• 1:08:46
  I made the choice to do this. So there I, I see it as 3 levels
• 1:08:51
  and I'm sure there's so many other models, but I see it as 3
• 1:08:53
  levels. You know, that victim of life,
• 1:08:55
  that participants in life and then the leader of life.
• 1:08:59
  When we slide up and down the scale, there are sometimes where
• 1:09:02
  we're all going to sit down at the victim's side going, why did
• 1:09:04
  this happen? And we're all going to slide
• 1:09:07
  back up and down, really depending.
• 1:09:09
  But the more you can sit in the participant to leader level, the
• 1:09:13
  less stress you're going to to feel because you'll feel more
• 1:09:16
  agency, you'll feel more empowered.
• 1:09:19
  Yeah, and that leads to that, back to that emotional, mental,
• 1:09:23
  physical health piece we were talking about earlier.
• 1:09:25
  This all ties into that. So good.
• 1:09:27
  Oh my gosh, so many good resources today.
• 1:09:30
  We're we're getting ready to wrap up here.
• 1:09:33
  Name 5 activities that nourish you.
• 1:09:37
  I have activities that nourish me.
• 1:09:39
  I'm a visual artist, so painting for sure.
• 1:09:43
  I do love a good drawing, just slapping colour down on
• 1:09:47
  something. So I'm one of those those folks,
• 1:09:50
  those adult colouring books. It, it just provides an outlet.
• 1:09:55
  I am a Kemper. I live out by the mountains in
• 1:10:01
  the summer, particularly I live in Canada, so there's a lot of
• 1:10:03
  snow right now. I probably don't want to go in
• 1:10:04
  the mountains today. Am I eating it?
• 1:10:11
  Yeah, not tonight. So.
• 1:10:14
  So heading over to the hoods and and, you know, living in the
• 1:10:17
  mountains, you've got a lot of dead spots.
• 1:10:19
  So. Oh, no, my phone doesn't work.
• 1:10:20
  Come on again. I'm just, no, I'm unplugged.
• 1:10:22
  I am done and, and forming that connection with my partner and
• 1:10:29
  feeding into that, that primary relationship and, and I do have
• 1:10:33
  children and making sure that I'm, I'm present for them,
• 1:10:37
  understanding that there's more to life than than the work
• 1:10:39
  piece. There's more to life than the
• 1:10:40
  passion project and really connecting with that core
• 1:10:43
  foundation of my family. Well and right?
• 1:10:48
  Honestly what a great gift your what you've learned about
• 1:10:51
  communication and those resources and skills are for
• 1:10:54
  your kids and they might not understand it now I've got 3
• 1:10:59
  grown children. They eventually get there, but
• 1:11:04
  what a powerful tool for them to receive.
• 1:11:07
  So I have children ranging in ages from 9 to 28.
• 1:11:12
  I, I, I, you know. Oops, 28.
• 1:11:18
  When I. Look at the 28 year old and I
• 1:11:21
  look at the 26 year old and I see how they manage conflict and
• 1:11:24
  I see how they communicate and I see how they interact.
• 1:11:26
  It's like, OK, I did OK. Yeah.
• 1:11:29
  My my 9 year old could join the UN tomorrow and leave them all
• 1:11:34
  in the dust. The negotiations for emotional
• 1:11:37
  intelligence on that shot. He is.
• 1:11:40
  He is 9 when he gets to 16. I am in so much trouble.
• 1:11:47
  It's like, Oh no, I taught them too soon.
• 1:11:50
  Yeah, yeah. This child can negotiate.
• 1:11:53
  So just seeing the differences that even showing up as a parent
• 1:11:57
  and seeing how my ability to communicate, my ability to
• 1:12:00
  manage conflict has impacted my subsequently my children's
• 1:12:03
  ability. So it sounds like I'm
• 1:12:05
  experimenting on my children. That's not the case, but just
• 1:12:07
  seeing that that. They that they pick up on what
• 1:12:10
  they see, you know, I mean, if our words don't match our
• 1:12:14
  actions, then they wouldn't have picked up on that.
• 1:12:17
  So I wanted to bring that up because I think that's really
• 1:12:19
  powerful and it's such an important skill for this
• 1:12:23
  generation. I mean, I'm a, I'm a Gen.
• 1:12:27
  Xer 2 and I've got millennials and Gen.
• 1:12:29
  ZS. I'm like, we might be OK because
• 1:12:32
  they are much better at listening, talking and working
• 1:12:35
  through conflict than we are. Maybe we have some hope in the
• 1:12:38
  world. That's what I'm I'm holding on
• 1:12:42
  to. So that's a really powerful
• 1:12:43
  piece of this. So thank you for sharing that. 5
• 1:12:47
  words on how you want to feel the next six months.
• 1:12:55
  Impassioned. Peaceful.
• 1:12:58
  Yes, those can coexist. Impassioned, peaceful, engaged,
• 1:13:04
  relaxed and satisfied. Really good.
• 1:13:08
  I like that and I like you pointed out that those can
• 1:13:10
  engage together because they really can use many of the tools
• 1:13:14
  we talked about today. Speaking of tools, tell people
• 1:13:17
  where they can find you, how they can follow you, get your
• 1:13:20
  book. All of this will be on our
• 1:13:22
  website on our resources page at embracinglayers.com.
• 1:13:26
  So no worries, listeners, you'll have access to this, but I want
• 1:13:30
  to give Kat a chance to share that right now as well.
• 1:13:33
  Absolutely the best place to get in contact with me with all the
• 1:13:36
  other links to everything else is on my website at
• 1:13:38
  smartconflictbook.com. So smartconflictbook.com, all
• 1:13:43
  one word. You can find my LinkedIn on
• 1:13:47
  there. You can find I'm on Instagram.
• 1:13:49
  That was that was, that was, that was, that was, that was
• 1:13:52
  hard to learn. I can do this.
• 1:13:59
  You can get my book on Amazon, Smart conflict, turning disputes
• 1:14:02
  into growth opportunities. So that is out in the world as
• 1:14:06
  well. It's contains a lot of the tools
• 1:14:08
  we've been talking about today, talks about connecting past to
• 1:14:12
  present to future. It's got the Oculus owl in
• 1:14:15
  there. So if you didn't have time to
• 1:14:16
  run it down or you're listening to the podcast in your car, you
• 1:14:19
  can you can flag it all in there, along with a lot of other
• 1:14:21
  things. Yeah, and your websites full of
• 1:14:23
  resources, you've got videos on there and, and, and statements
• 1:14:26
  from people you've worked with. There's a lot of great resources
• 1:14:28
  there, Cat. We could have talked all day
• 1:14:31
  about this. This is such an important
• 1:14:33
  component for people to have in their toolbox understanding
• 1:14:38
  with, to feel like it's accessible to them and something
• 1:14:43
  that they can do well in the world that we live in today and
• 1:14:47
  the way we engage with each other.
• 1:14:50
  So thank you for this work that you do, for trusting yourself to
• 1:14:54
  move and identify this niche, and for how you show up in the
• 1:14:57
  world and for being here with me today and sharing these
• 1:15:00
  wonderful resources. People out there, if you're
• 1:15:03
  listening, if conflict is something that makes you quiver,
• 1:15:08
  go to these resources that cat has and get it and think about
• 1:15:14
  your why behind it. Unpack whether your fears are
• 1:15:17
  based in truth or or what's actually happening here.
• 1:15:22
  I think that it can be so helpful for us when we can
• 1:15:26
  engage in this in a healthy way. It creates healthy work
• 1:15:29
  environments. It creates healthy
• 1:15:31
  relationships, healthy neighborhoods, a healthy world.
• 1:15:34
  If we can all learn how to engage in this in an authentic,
• 1:15:38
  healthy, empathetic, respectful way.
• 1:15:41
  And Cat has great resources to help us do that.
• 1:15:43
  But thank you so much for your time today.
• 1:15:45
  I appreciate everything that you shared.
• 1:15:48
  Thank you so much for having me, Melissa.
• 1:15:49
  It's been a great conversation. You bet All right, everybody,
• 1:15:53
  don't be afraid. Don't have to be afraid.
• 1:15:56
  Don't let this get in the way of living the life that you want to
• 1:16:01
  live and communicating that to those around you.
• 1:16:05
  I I think that has so much power in the our ability to embrace
• 1:16:09
  our layers and live the authentic, healthy well life we
• 1:16:13
  want to live. So think about that.
• 1:16:14
  Take these resources with you and have a great week.
• 1:16:20
  Hello, Melissa Crook here. Thank you so much for joining us
• 1:16:24
  on the field podcast today. Finding empowerment, Embracing
• 1:16:28
  Layers. I hope you found today's
• 1:16:31
  framework and resources supportive and informative.
• 1:16:35
  To learn more about all that we offer here at the Embracing
• 1:16:38
  Layers Network, visit embracinglayers.com.
• 1:16:42
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• 1:16:47
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• 1:16:50
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• 1:16:53
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• 1:16:56
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• 1:17:01
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• 1:17:05
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• 1:17:12
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• 1:17:50
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• 1:18:03
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• 1:18:07
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• 1:18:09
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• 1:18:17
  Embracing Layers. Yeah, we get to, we get to feel.