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Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 28 - Cracking' Open a Can of Spinach · Session Zero Heroes | TTRPG Actual Play Adventures & Improv Storytelling

0:00
[MUSIC PLAYING]
0:10
Hello, weary traveler.
0:12
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
0:15
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
0:19
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,
0:22
and most importantly, lots of gold.
0:25
I call it, Ilanumis.
0:28
Who am I?
0:28
You might ask.
0:30
The name is Jarjir, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
0:34
Long story short, this group of idiots,
0:37
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
0:41
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold,
0:44
but left some of the key details blank.
0:47
So I filled them in myself.
0:50
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
0:52
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
0:56
they have to attune to.
0:58
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
1:00
be trapped here forever?
1:03
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,
1:07
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
1:10
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
1:16
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
1:17
of the Criminals of Ilanumis podcast.
1:19
Well, technically, it's session zero heroes podcast.
1:22
Criminals of Ilanumis is the show
1:24
that we are running currently.
1:25
It is our DMD5E actual play series, run by myself,
1:30
and created by myself, Skyler.
1:31
And joining me, and helping to create this entire story with me,
1:36
are my phenomenal players, phenomenal most of the time,
1:39
when they're speaking into the microphones like they're
1:41
supposed to be.
1:42
We have to my right, we have Dave, who is playing Maki.
1:47
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
1:50
Here next.
1:52
Next, we got Fadi Lumpkin's playing Keto.
1:57
I'm playing Keto.
1:58
Next, we've got Cameron, who is playing Rorick.
2:03
Next.
2:04
Oh, it's different.
2:05
It's different today, guys.
2:07
It's not just--
2:08
Hi.
2:09
And next, we have Jackson, who is playing Dez.
2:14
Yeah, I'm Dez.
2:16
You know, Dez has been pondering in question lately.
2:19
Not so much a fun fact.
2:20
But he was thinking, who would win in a race?
2:24
You know, the slow and steady tortoise?
2:28
Or a slower, even more steadier tortoise?
2:31
Oh.
2:33
Dang.
2:34
That's a thinker.
2:35
Now I'm going to think about that.
2:37
And that's going to make it hard to rabbit the rabbit.
2:41
Let's be honest here.
2:44
And finally, joining us to actually voice King Fortunus
2:49
for more than one line this episode, we've got Connor.
2:54
Turns out that's all he can say.
2:57
It's just going to be, oh yeah, oh yeah, you hit him.
2:59
Oh yeah, you miss him.
3:01
Oh yeah.
3:01
Just wow, extra Max and Ruby.
3:03
I always say one thing every episode.
3:05
Oh, I thought you were going to say every Pokemon.
3:07
Like it.
3:09
King Fortunus, you say--
3:12
He just says his name.
3:14
King Fortunus.
3:16
I like that.
3:17
That actually is--
3:17
I'm just passing the light.
3:19
Oh yeah.
3:21
Man, we paid this guy $300 just to show him it's a King
3:24
Fortunus the whole time.
3:26
I had big booms.
3:28
I had big booms.
3:29
Oh.
3:30
And with that, we are going to jump into the episode.
3:36
[MUSIC PLAYING]
3:40
All right, and we're back.
3:44
And where we left off last time,
3:45
you guys had made your way through the Atlantic Heights
3:48
District to inevitably get the directions that you needed
3:52
to find the gridiron, the head quarters for the beasts gang,
3:57
this group of meatheads, this group of muscle-bound creatures
4:01
of every and any kind who sees physical strength
4:06
as the ultimate power.
4:08
You guys were able to get inside thanks
4:11
to your ability to either do pull-ups
4:15
or help one of your friends do enough pull-ups to get you in.
4:20
Maki ate an entire owl-bear egg once inside.
4:25
Allegedly.
4:26
Allegedly.
4:27
As far as anyone knows, he did.
4:29
And then right at the end there, you guys
4:32
were introduced to the current king of the beasts himself,
4:38
King Fortunus.
4:41
Who now stands before you in his seven-foot, eight-height,
4:44
muscle-bound, unnaturally muscular looking bod, flexing.
4:52
And he-- I mean, he just said, oh, yeah.
4:55
That's where we left off.
4:56
And then we all see as Dez adds another talent marked to us.
5:03
It's on my chalkboard.
5:04
It just says guys that are hard.
5:06
And you're just like--
5:07
He's starting to have to mark the border of the board,
5:10
because it's all full of--
5:11
He says the king.
5:12
He just does a really long--
5:16
He races all the others.
5:18
He puts one mark on it.
5:20
He just looks like whistle.
5:22
Everybody else, all the other members of the beast gang,
5:30
look absolutely terrified when King Fortunus comes in here
5:36
or reveals himself.
5:38
Does the guy that he threw off the balcony have a belt?
5:44
Sure.
5:45
I would like to pocket that.
5:47
I'm just going to say, yeah, he's standing over this body
5:51
at the moment.
5:51
Just put that out there for you.
5:53
I'm not saying no.
5:54
I'm just warning you.
5:55
Can I, like, circle around behind him
6:00
so that you're like right to his rear?
6:03
Reach between his legs.
6:04
So known for their terrible vision.
6:08
So I'm going to keep staring forward, you know?
6:11
Yeah, go for it.
6:12
Do you-- I mean, are you trying to say somewhat stealthy
6:15
on this one?
6:16
I mean, I would like to be unseen.
6:18
OK, OK.
6:19
Well, not by the whole room, but at least by King Fortunus.
6:22
OK, go ahead and roll that stealth check for me.
6:24
I'm scared for you.
6:26
13.
6:27
OK, King Fortunus, roll a perception, yeah.
6:31
10.
6:32
10.
6:33
Oh.
6:34
OK, so King Fortunus is just looking around.
6:37
He's doing that thing that birds do, where they really just
6:40
like quickly like shift their head gaze or whatever.
6:43
And they're just looking at every buff person in this room,
6:46
completely unnoticing the little tiny kinkou that's
6:52
crawling behind him and starts rummaging.
6:54
Everybody else in the room, their mouths are a gate.
6:57
Like, they were already kind of like in fear.
6:59
They were like, oh, don't say anything,
7:00
or he'll think you want to fight him.
7:02
There now, their mouths are just slowly opening up
7:06
as they watch as the absolute audacity of this little bird
7:10
man to just crawl in between King Fortunus' massive thighs
7:15
and start rummaging around for this belt of his dead individual.
7:20
And yeah, you managed to pull it off.
7:23
So he looks down at himself and then
7:25
marks another tally on him.
7:34
Nice.
7:37
Where do you go after--
7:38
now that you've got this belt?
7:40
I'm just going to like sidestep my way back to where you were.
7:45
And his eyes dart over to you.
7:48
And he kind of looks at you for like a--
7:49
he cocks his head like birds do.
7:52
And then he just kind of looks over to the next person
7:54
because you're not really ripped.
7:55
Yeah, you're not as ripped.
7:56
You know that piece where the feed up?
7:58
Who's the giant turkey?
8:02
So as that's going on, I feel like he probably
8:04
had monologuing or something, which is probably why he didn't
8:06
hear.
8:07
That's very-- yeah, yeah.
8:09
If you want some carrot, you just broke out of prison.
8:12
Oh, OK.
8:13
Out of a coliseum prison.
8:14
Yeah.
8:15
So you flamed the throne.
8:16
Is the guy that I say he killed before him?
8:19
It was a queen.
8:20
I think he said she probably is stepping down or whatever the--
8:24
whatever the case, you came back and everybody was like,
8:26
oh yeah, we're not going to say no to that.
8:29
If he wants-- yeah, if he wants the throne.
8:31
So you're back.
8:32
I'm back.
8:33
Boss baby, back in business.
8:35
Sure.
8:37
Sorry, he's monologuing at this point, I guess.
8:40
Yeah.
8:40
This man here tried to take the belt from King Fortus.
8:45
You got to remember who the king is.
8:49
What's this thing here?
8:50
Some change rolling on the ground.
8:54
You just tart straight over.
8:56
His eyes were--
8:58
Oh, he sides out.
9:00
He dropped the belt.
9:02
This is the second time now that you have locked eyes
9:05
with this scrawny little bird man.
9:07
What's this thing here and over there?
9:10
You dropping some belt over there.
9:12
You trying to take King Fortus' belt, man?
9:16
I've never seen you in here before.
9:18
It has-- it has ponders on whether or not
9:24
he should erase his tally marks.
9:27
All of that on his little whiteboard.
9:28
And so he puts his whiteboard at his hip
9:31
and just like, does that snap thing with the belt?
9:34
[CLAP]
9:35
Are you challenging King Fortus in this place and time?
9:43
It had death shrugs and shakes and saddening.
9:46
That's what I thought.
9:48
Now as I was saying I heard King Fortus heard
9:54
that there were some new people here trying to break
9:57
into a rink here.
9:59
I hear there's an egg sucker among you.
10:01
And I hear there's a guy you can't do 20 pull-ups.
10:04
I don't want no weak men in this club.
10:09
Is it a club?
10:10
Sure.
10:11
In this club, who's the egg sucker
10:15
and who can't be doing them pull-ups?
10:18
I may have sucked an egg.
10:21
[LAUGHTER]
10:23
It's just egg suckers anonymous.
10:27
I got a cow, but I'm part crow.
10:30
It's in my blood.
10:33
Why the looks of you need eight more of them eggs
10:36
just to get up to a snuff with the rest of us around here?
10:40
I see you are pretty buff, but you're
10:43
going to need about eight more eggs.
10:45
Now who couldn't do them pull-ups to get in?
10:48
Dez writes on his board.
10:50
I don't want you with your fancy pants tablet.
10:54
I don't want you writing insinuating I can't hear you.
10:59
You kids in your dang tablets isn't your tablet.
11:03
Just don't want your kids running around with shock parts.
11:07
And their pants are like here with these kids
11:10
in their dang tablets.
11:12
I miss your ding.
11:14
King Vorktunus.
11:15
Vorktunus.
11:17
I don't think I've pronounced his name right once.
11:20
And this dude's so hopped up on the first.
11:22
Mr. King Vorktunus, he can't talk.
11:27
And what is it?
11:28
I don't know.
11:29
He's never talked before.
11:30
He talks using his tablet.
11:32
You sound like so crappy to hear it.
11:36
He was like--
11:36
Don't worry about like, enabling this young man here
11:40
to hang onto his tablet.
11:42
I'm not doing it.
11:42
I'm just telling you.
11:43
Hang up with him.
11:44
I'm just there.
11:45
You're looking too scrawny to be getting in the door here.
11:49
How'd you get in?
11:50
The Church of Iron.
11:52
Where I am the God.
11:54
He's my personal trainer of sorts.
11:59
He helps-- he uses his tablet to record reps and routines.
12:06
Calories burns.
12:08
Eggs sucked.
12:11
If it's to count reps, why does it say guys who are hard?
12:15
Oh, he can read.
12:17
See?
12:19
Unlike my other characters, this one can read.
12:22
I am a little weirded out by it saying guys that are hard.
12:27
What's this?
12:27
Really long?
12:28
What is the really long?
12:30
Are you measurement peeneye?
12:33
No, no.
12:34
Nothing of that sort.
12:36
The guys who are hard to beat in combat,
12:39
and I envision them while I do my reps.
12:43
Yes, well, I am the hardest to beat.
12:45
Let me tell you.
12:46
I'mma tell you what ain't no one beat me.
12:49
This guy here thought he could.
12:51
Dead as a doornail, this guy.
12:54
Nolan's coming for my belt.
12:57
He just got a gestures to his giant WWE--
13:00
It's gold.
13:01
--golden belt.
13:02
Yeah.
13:02
Can I discreetly use the belt wand?
13:07
How do you discreetly use a wand?
13:09
Do you have to cast a spell?
13:11
Yeah, you could definitely use the wand.
13:13
You pretend to take a leak, and then you whip around
13:16
really fast.
13:17
Yeah, you can absolutely use your wand of belts whole--
13:21
Yeah.
13:21
--instyle.
13:22
It's a spell save DC.
13:25
It's a wisdom save.
13:26
You need to be a 14.
13:29
With my last roll, that's probably not--
13:31
Seven.
13:32
OK.
13:33
Heads it tightens.
13:35
Tails it loosens.
13:37
If it falls, you're showing tail.
13:38
All right?
13:39
He's got a point.
13:40
It's heads.
13:41
OK, so the belt becomes uncomfortably tight on you.
13:45
Oh, yes, you can tell.
13:48
Even the belt does not want to leave King Ritunius.
13:53
It's a good thing you got rid of the tightening aspect,
13:57
as opposed to the loosening.
13:59
You got to save that loosening one for later.
14:01
This belt-- it is tight on this waist,
14:09
as you can plainly see.
14:13
Not even this inanimate object wants to deny me
14:17
my rightful place as the leader of the beasts.
14:22
You been doing some sort of a dirty bulk there or something?
14:27
Yeah, I guess I'm all going to cut up to King Vortunius
14:31
so once you might say--
14:33
Maybe you should take the belt off.
14:35
It looks a little tight on you.
14:36
King Vortunius would rather die.
14:40
You will have to pry the belt from my cold dead feathery bond.
14:45
My massive pie.
14:48
That I must stress is like not even a half percent Bonnie fans.
14:55
I am messy.
14:57
OK, well, that's fun to think about.
15:01
So what's the plan, guys?
15:03
I think we just hit up with the wand.
15:05
Are going to hope it tightens even more.
15:07
On Des's little chalkboard, it says Des's plans.
15:12
And it's like a chart.
15:13
It just says, tighten his belt or loosen it.
15:17
I don't know.
15:18
It's-- yeah, it's a--
15:20
it's like there's two paths.
15:21
One is tighten the belt, and then that's as far as it goes.
15:25
Des looks at it, then the rest of you and just shrugs.
15:28
King Vortunius just kind of goes about his business.
15:30
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:31
He just kind of walks around.
15:32
I'll let you use me to this point.
15:34
King Vortunius is going to whisper to the Maki.
15:36
What are the chances that then a hero dark wizard guy shows up
15:41
and dumps him into a hole again?
15:44
Oh, shadow caster.
15:46
Let's hope he shows up.
15:48
All you have to do is say the magic words.
15:50
Please?
15:51
I face said if he wanted to get him again,
15:53
we just have to like cast a spell thinking of him or something.
15:57
He said that he wanted you--
15:59
he said he knows your friend is very familiar with shadow
16:02
based magic and could summon him.
16:05
Yeah, that's what he said.
16:07
Oh, you could summon him somehow.
16:09
He gave me a business card that an incantation on.
16:12
I remember that.
16:13
He threw it at me right before he went through his portal.
16:16
And he said-- and I hand you the incantation card.
16:19
It probably just says something like--
16:21
There's a set of symbols in sort of like a darkened font.
16:26
And Rorik, even though you know how to read,
16:29
you cannot read these.
16:30
But as you Maki look at it, they start to--
16:34
like the outlines start to increase on these symbols
16:40
as if there's a shadow that's kind of extending out from them.
16:43
And then it sort of warps into a set of words
16:48
that you can read.
16:49
And what do the words say?
16:51
The spell reads, shadows writhe consume the light.
16:56
Oh, seems like I just have to cast a darkness spell.
16:59
That's pretty easy.
17:01
But does he want us to call him like right away?
17:06
After we've apprehended him, after all it--
17:08
He meditated him.
17:10
Call him now.
17:11
We could ask if it's just--
17:12
just bring him here.
17:13
Sure.
17:14
Do you think he's the rest of the 1v1 or--
17:17
See the Lace all getting up on--
17:18
He might, if we--
17:20
the Shadowlegs, you know what I mean?
17:21
If we-- he thinks we're all wimpy tiny fellas.
17:24
To be fair, we're all about three feet tall.
17:26
And he's three times our height.
17:28
I mean, standing on top of each other
17:31
are probably the same height as him.
17:32
The only one he called big was--
17:35
Machia.
17:36
If we get him mad enough at us, maybe throwing a couple--
17:39
you know, he is a bird, a couple chickens, you know?
17:42
It probably except the 4v1 challenge.
17:45
I mean, hey, the only thing you can do is try to--
17:48
I'm getting up on us, though.
17:50
They all seem to like him.
17:52
Oh, I wonder why.
17:54
And we turn to see Ferturis just staring at one of them
17:57
and just pushing his fingers--
17:59
He's like poking him in the nose as her show
18:02
is rivally to the ground.
18:03
Going, hey, sweet.
18:04
[INAUDIBLE]
18:06
Challenge me.
18:08
Pushes on his nose and the guy sinks into the ground
18:11
as he--
18:13
Do we get a feeling that maybe these guys kind of enjoyed
18:18
their vacation from King Fortunus?
18:22
You definitely--
18:24
It's not an insight, because that feels like--
18:26
Yeah, no.
18:27
Everybody around is absolutely terrified.
18:29
Like, he wasn't in the room when you guys got here,
18:32
so they were chill.
18:33
Now he's in the room and everybody is just frozen.
18:35
Like, they don't want to move.
18:36
Like, even the--
18:37
Everyone's just like doing weights,
18:38
but they're doing them really slowly.
18:39
No, no, no.
18:39
They're just staring at him.
18:40
No, there's actually--
18:42
There's one dude who was doing weights,
18:43
and it's currently on his chest, and he can't breathe,
18:47
but he's too scared to lift it.
18:49
So he's trying to hold it just high enough off his chest,
18:52
and then you see his arms are just shaking,
18:55
because he can't hold on much longer.
18:57
He's straight ahead.
18:57
He's like, do it, do it.
18:59
So I think we just can go challenge him.
19:01
Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a pretty good--
19:03
Here's my question, though.
19:06
None of us are--
19:09
well, back in my heyday, I could go fist the cuffs
19:12
with anyone, any drabarone.
19:14
But now in this new body, I need my ranged honey.
19:22
I need more room for combat.
19:25
I'm not really the hand-to-hand guy anymore.
19:27
And what I'm saying is, will he be allowed to use
19:30
magic and spells and weapons?
19:32
Yeah, unfortunately, I am in my element,
19:35
but I don't know if I alone could do this
19:38
without a bit of the reinforcements from range.
19:42
We tossed in and challenged him to a street fight, no rules.
19:49
And if he doesn't agree at first, we
19:51
tossed in a couple more big chickens.
19:53
I think implying he's a chicken with him being a bird
19:57
will really go over well, taunting.
20:00
I think if he doesn't agree with it,
20:02
you just call him a wimp.
20:04
Yeah, and a chicken and a coward.
20:06
Hey, King Fortunus, since you denied our fight,
20:09
we're going to give that five big bakaws.
20:11
Bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, bakaw.
20:16
I think that'll work like a dryer.
20:18
All right, well, go for it.
20:19
No, but here's the thing, though.
20:20
We do go for the street fight, which is the smart way.
20:23
Do we challenge him in that ring?
20:26
Or do we go literally outside where we can get more range on him
20:30
and just pour--
20:30
What if Keto just has to--
20:32
what if we want him while we all get some range?
20:35
That might be an option.
20:37
So you guys just lay and wait out there.
20:39
And if I can escape his talons, challenge him
20:43
to a particular spot.
20:45
I'll probably go there with you before you fight.
20:47
What is an option?
20:49
I mean, being an outside party fear,
20:51
why not just stand outside the ring with your--
20:56
because Keto could just challenge King Fortunus 1v1,
21:02
and then you guys are just standing on the sidelines
21:04
in far enough range to where you can be effective.
21:07
Who is this, say, random citizen?
21:11
Yeah, I was cute and hard to find some other guy.
21:13
It's the dude at the shake.
21:16
It's the protein bar.
21:18
Yeah, what were you seeing?
21:20
Since you're familiar with this place,
21:21
where is to say that if we random three other random guys
21:25
started attacking inside a fight,
21:27
who's to say other people here won't get mad at us
21:29
for interfering with the fight from the outside?
21:32
Oh, yeah.
21:33
That would--
21:33
That would not--
21:34
That would not--
21:35
Yes, if we were doing a street fight
21:36
and we're all in the ring and we started using weapons,
21:39
they'd be like, yeah, that's part of the fight.
21:41
But if we're outside of the ring, then they'd be like,
21:44
that's not fair.
21:44
And they might beat us up.
21:46
Hey, look, fellas, since you're new here,
21:47
let me give you a rundown.
21:48
OK, look, weapons, that's fine, right?
21:52
Physical weapons, melee weapons,
21:56
ranged weapons are a little 50/50.
21:58
Here's the thing.
21:59
I've never seen a guy win with a ranged weapon.
22:01
I have seen guys use ranged weapons in the ring.
22:03
They don't last long.
22:04
Right.
22:06
No rules.
22:07
Hold on.
22:08
OK, yeah, that's what I'm saying, though.
22:10
Is magic allowed?
22:12
Oh, absolutely.
22:13
You want a way to get every person in this place
22:16
to beat the crap out of you?
22:18
You use magic.
22:18
Why would there be a street fight?
22:20
Don't even say magic.
22:21
So not even in a street fight?
22:23
No.
22:23
But street fights are no rules.
22:25
So why is there a rule?
22:27
Well, around here, we've got a bit of a motto.
22:30
It's muscle governs all.
22:34
If you're using anything other than muscle, fists,
22:39
things attached to your body, things
22:41
that you can hold with your body that don't fire,
22:45
fire magic, illusions and such, you'll be fine.
22:49
OK.
22:50
Maki, it seems like you're not going to be much
22:52
of a help this fight.
22:54
That's only if they catch him.
22:56
How many southern skulls can you cast?
23:00
He's already got one for his pecs.
23:02
I can cast four more.
23:06
So you've got good for four more spells, basically.
23:10
Yeah.
23:11
OK.
23:12
Well, that's still pretty good.
23:13
Can they also affect it in effect at the same time,
23:15
or do they have to be like--
23:17
There might be concentration required on some of them.
23:21
So his pecs might disappear.
23:22
I don't know.
23:23
That's true.
23:24
Yeah, yeah.
23:25
Yeah, if you count.
23:26
Just ask for more albear eggs and start
23:28
stuffing them in your cloak to make it continue to look big.
23:31
So we could challenge him for a fight.
23:33
But the thing is, if it's in that ring,
23:34
and all four of us are in there, that's a pretty tight space.
23:37
Hey, kid, if you want a bigger ring,
23:39
we can clear the floor.
23:41
Just the whole floor?
23:42
Yeah, then we can just get everybody to stop moving.
23:44
You've got to make an official challenge if you want that.
23:48
Big as the third.
23:49
Oh, it's a warehouse.
23:51
So they just slide all the equipment to the edge?
23:54
Yeah.
23:55
Yeah.
23:56
Yeah, but you just challenge this whole area.
23:58
I like that idea.
23:59
There's only one thing missing, kid.
24:01
What?
24:02
You guys got costumes?
24:04
'Cause you do, but I'm not doing it the rest of the whole--
24:06
Hey, I mean, whatever's your outfit is your outfit.
24:08
You just better have a cool title to go with it.
24:12
Cool name.
24:13
Yeah, I have a cool name.
24:14
OK, well, you said something about multiple people.
24:17
I don't know what their costumes are,
24:19
but I have a great costume.
24:21
All right, all right.
24:22
Well, hey, I mean, I love watching a good SmackDown,
24:25
so if you're going to get this started,
24:27
you better get it started.
24:28
And if we were to challenge the king,
24:30
yeah, people wouldn't be mad at us if we killed him.
24:33
No, that's how things work around here.
24:35
You see that guy dead on the floor?
24:36
He challenged the king.
24:38
Now he's dead.
24:39
That works.
24:40
Stevie will be bi-layered to clean him up?
24:42
That's not what I'm looking for.
24:43
I'm just asking in terms of--
24:45
Yes.
24:46
I don't want us to win, and then immediately,
24:48
some of those challenges us, because they sit
24:50
with pretty weak.
24:51
Is it thing?
24:51
They do that here, right?
24:52
I think-- I think--
24:54
I shall challenge you for the belt immediately, yeah?
24:56
I'll just give it to a lot of them want to be king.
24:58
I just wanted it if, dad.
24:59
Here's the thing.
25:00
I've never seen a group win against the main leader.
25:04
Usually, those challenges are a little bit less like,
25:07
who's going to be king and more of just like,
25:10
I don't know, just more like a--
25:11
Desperation?
25:12
Yeah, kind of desperation.
25:13
Like, one guy gets challenged to death by whoever's ruling.
25:18
And then the other guy's like, wait, I want to help.
25:21
And then that ruler might be like, yeah, OK, I'll take two of you.
25:25
And they both die.
25:26
Yeah, usually that's what happens.
25:28
Here's the thing.
25:29
The guys that rule this place, they rule for a reason.
25:33
Because they rule?
25:34
Yeah.
25:35
Or gals, just to clarify here.
25:37
Because previously, we had a queen.
25:39
Literal and metaphorical sets.
25:41
Yeah.
25:41
Now, interestingly enough, we haven't seen the queen in a minute.
25:47
I wouldn't be surprised if you took him out.
25:49
She might come back.
25:51
Then you'd have to deal with her.
25:52
And she might not deal with that.
25:53
Just say she could be the queen.
25:55
So is the queen also really buff?
25:58
Oh, yeah.
25:58
Is this--
25:59
OK.
26:00
Oh, yeah.
26:01
You haven't seen her, but Gavin.
26:03
Gavin had mentioned to you that queen--
26:05
She disappeared.
26:06
Valeria.
26:07
Yes.
26:09
She's left since he returned.
26:12
So that left an opening in the rulership,
26:14
which he immediately felt.
26:15
Well, you just challenge this guy,
26:17
get him dead, then a doorknob, and then just leave the belt
26:23
here with you and say, give it to the queen when she returns.
26:26
Yeah, sure.
26:27
I mean, hey, Queen Valeria is great.
26:30
She's a fun ruler.
26:32
We would have wacky Wednesdays where we would put on goofy
26:36
cut.
26:37
We would have--
26:38
We'd have a king.
26:38
That was the first order of business I was going to do.
26:41
All the dudes were dressed in made outfits,
26:44
and we'd all wrestle and stuff.
26:46
And that was funny.
26:47
A lot of oil.
26:49
Sometimes, yeah.
26:50
We had thirsty Thursdays where we would drink something
26:53
other than protein shakes.
26:54
That guy-- this is interesting.
26:56
I don't make them, because I wouldn't know how.
26:58
But that gets interesting.
26:59
We'd have a Taco Tuesdays.
27:03
I mean, that's just-- everybody loves Taco Tuesdays.
27:06
And Monday Madness, you got to be here for it.
27:12
OK, OK, I get the idea.
27:13
There's a lot of fun stuff.
27:14
Yeah, we have a good time.
27:16
Sometimes we just--
27:17
Challenge this guy.
27:18
Sometimes on Fridays, we just go out
27:21
and we just beat on the elderly.
27:22
It's pretty great.
27:25
That's probably my favorite.
27:26
It's a tough toss up between Taco Tuesday
27:29
and beat on the elderly Fridays.
27:34
This sounds like a great place you got going on
27:36
here.
27:37
As for me, the all challenge, because that way,
27:41
no one will be mad if one of us just randomly started shooting.
27:44
We all need to get funny costumes to challenge him,
27:47
or else it won't be taken serious apparently.
27:50
And then we kill him in the day.
27:54
And everyone praises us as heroes of the story.
27:58
Hey, just so you know, there's some costumes in the back,
28:01
if you want.
28:02
Let's go to the--
28:03
Yeah.
28:03
[MUSIC PLAYING]
28:07
All right, let's cut to you guys going to the back.
28:19
And there's just any kind of costume you can think of.
28:23
In fact, this whole thing--
28:25
Yeah.
28:26
Costume montage.
28:27
This whole thing seems really out of place.
28:29
Like you walk out of a gym full of ripped dudes.
28:31
It smells sweaty.
28:32
It's kind of--
28:33
I could not imagine the smell.
28:35
Yeah, all you drinking protein shoes.
28:36
You say it's out of place, but if they need a costume
28:41
to challenge, I feel like it's very in place.
28:44
It's a fair point Wednesday for Ralph while he was in prison.
28:47
There's been plenty of--
28:48
they've been adding costumes every Wacky Wednesday.
28:51
People bring in what they find and stuff like that.
28:53
So--
28:53
Go in and you get a random costume every Wacky Wednesday.
28:56
That's the fun of it.
28:57
That's the fun of it, yeah.
28:58
And you put random pieces together.
29:00
All right, so montage.
29:01
What's everybody wearing?
29:03
Who wants to go?
29:04
Mocky has trouble-- a little bit of trouble with first
29:06
deciding, but he decides to go with a powdered wig
29:10
and a judge's robe.
29:13
Mate, that's awesome.
29:14
You have a-- wait, yet he has--
29:16
The name.
29:16
You can go with the judge.
29:18
Yeah, judge.
29:19
I don't know.
29:20
We'll just go with the judge.
29:22
The judge.
29:23
The judge is good enough.
29:24
The judge.
29:25
All right, fantastic.
29:26
We got Mocky as the judge.
29:28
Kiko is going to pull out this prize that he won
29:32
from a long time ago.
29:34
But he's been eyeing it and polishing it.
29:37
And so he puts on his helm of the Minotaur.
29:40
Oh, nice.
29:41
Yes, a fur pelt that he wraps around himself.
29:45
This medal.
29:46
What, yeah, what's his name?
29:48
The Bolla.
29:49
Just mess with the Bolla.
29:50
Mini Minot-- mini Minotaur.
29:53
That's a long name.
29:55
I was going to say, what--
29:56
We're going to go with the mini Minotaur.
29:58
Mini Minotaur.
30:01
Cameron, you got something?
30:03
Rorik, OK.
30:04
Rorik's going to rip off--
30:06
He's already wearing this underneath.
30:07
It's a--
30:09
It's a bright blue Liotard.
30:11
It's very revealing in the sailor's scenario.
30:15
This is a very traditional, like, actual wrestling.
30:17
Yes.
30:19
Very skin tight, classic wrestling Liotard.
30:21
I love it.
30:22
And he grabs a sailor hat.
30:25
Nice.
30:26
A little sailor hat.
30:27
He cocks to the side.
30:28
He goes, I'm Fizzle Fingers.
30:32
He's using the title.
30:33
All right, we haven't heard Fizzle Fingers since, like,
30:36
episode two.
30:37
And a little lightning blast off.
30:39
Yeah, yeah.
30:40
All right.
30:40
And then finally, we got Dez.
30:43
All right.
30:44
Dez finds light blue tights with a red spandex underwear
30:51
over it, a red cape, no shirt, a red luchador mask,
30:58
and red boots.
31:01
Rico Shed Pro Mucha Lucha.
31:03
And I don't know if I could use the fixture that's
31:07
in my mind, because that might be--
31:11
he's a nacho boy.
31:12
Nacho boy.
31:15
He's a nacho boy.
31:18
Don't claim that boy.
31:19
That's nacho boy.
31:19
He was a T.S. prior to us.
31:21
Yeah, exactly.
31:23
So this is important.
31:24
Do we still have our equipment and stuff on us
31:26
over in these costumes?
31:28
Yes.
31:28
So you have pockets in these.
31:30
I mean, I do have a bag of holding,
31:31
so I technically could have everything on me.
31:34
But for the rest of them, I don't know.
31:36
Let's keep the ACs for minimal complexity.
31:40
I don't want to be that guy.
31:41
Weapons, anything that you can fit in your two hands,
31:45
you can keep on your person.
31:48
So, are we wearing armor?
31:50
I'm going to count it.
31:51
I'm going to leave it as whatever armor it is that you had on.
31:54
You can have a version of that armor kind of
31:57
as part of your costume, just so that we're not like,
31:59
oh, let's rewrite our ACs and everything
32:01
like that for this battle.
32:02
Like that's--
32:03
Maki, he definitely takes off his backpack
32:07
and makes sure he wraps the egg in his--
32:10
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:11
And so it doesn't get broken.
32:13
Well, you can store it too.
32:14
There's like lockers.
32:15
Oh, and Maki casts false life on himself.
32:20
OK.
32:20
Nice.
32:21
Some 10th HP.
32:22
Yep.
32:23
At second level.
32:25
Whoa, lots of 10 HP.
32:27
Sounds good.
32:29
All right, so you guys come walking out of the lockers.
32:31
[MUSIC PLAYING]
32:35
Slow motion, lots of epic music going on,
32:39
and everybody's staring at you.
32:41
Everyone's pausing as they're all walking out.
32:44
He's just like in the ring, just kind of walking around,
32:47
pointing at everybody like, is there
32:49
no one man enough to take on the king?
32:53
I am.
32:55
He like whips around and points.
32:56
Ew.
32:58
I am.
33:00
Ew.
33:01
A desert snappy belt man.
33:05
I think you're going to write on the towel.
33:06
I am.
33:08
And then steps the--
33:09
And then Maki says, you have permission to approach the bench.
33:13
[LAUGHTER]
33:16
That's such a good word.
33:18
I see four challengers.
33:21
Do you all challenge me at once or am I taking on?
33:24
One at a time.
33:26
Am I going to have to break in half one at a time?
33:30
And in the last one, we'll have seen three of his friends die
33:33
in front of his very eyes.
33:35
You're challenging all four of us at once.
33:39
As he says, I accept your challenge,
33:41
you hear a snap, and the lights go off,
33:44
and lights above the gym start to turn on and illuminate
33:48
the center of the area.
33:51
People almost like the back or the behind the scenes staff
33:57
of a play, like come running out, grabbing equipment,
34:00
and moving it off to the side so that there's
34:03
this huge stadium space now for you guys.
34:06
A mic drops from the ceiling.
34:07
The guy from earlier that you guys got the protein shakes
34:10
from comes walking out in a black and white striped outfit.
34:13
And he says, in the main ring.
34:18
We're fighting in this corner of the fight we got.
34:22
The only the ruler of the beast is King Fortunus.
34:31
And everybody just starts clapping and cheering.
34:34
And this is our guest challengers.
34:38
Over in the left side of the ring, we've got four.
34:42
That's right, four challengers tonight,
34:44
starting with the judge.
34:50
And Maki comes strolling out in his white wig
34:53
and his judge clothing and enters the ring.
34:57
All right.
34:58
[LAUGHTER]
35:02
And everybody stands at their clout.
35:04
They look over at King Fortunus like they're
35:06
kind of nervous to clap, but that liar was pretty good.
35:08
And they're like, I can't help it.
35:09
I can't help it.
35:10
At King Fortunus, I imagine doesn't really care.
35:12
No, you're just like pacing.
35:13
He's so bold on the other side of things.
35:15
Like, oh, yeah.
35:17
Yeah, oh, yeah, we got a fight tonight.
35:19
Our second fighter for tonight, we've got the mini minotaur.
35:27
Kiko's going to start pawing the grunk,
35:29
and then he's going to let Lucey and attempt
35:32
at an intimidating roar.
35:33
But it kind of just sounds like the little Lion King
35:35
bitler.
35:36
[LAUGHTER]
35:39
Do you like charge in?
35:40
Yeah.
35:41
Nice.
35:41
Nice.
35:42
OK.
35:42
I think people are a little put off by the meow.
35:46
And they're a little confused.
35:47
They're like, what are you attempting?
35:48
Right, right.
35:49
All three feet.
35:50
So it doesn't quite get so--
35:52
If you guys are all three feet tall,
35:53
I'd like to imagine one of you guys
35:55
has trouble getting into the ring.
35:58
You could say that the main floor is the ring at this point.
36:02
So, but--
36:04
They definitely struggle getting through the--
36:07
Yes, open space.
36:09
All right, and following after the minotaur,
36:12
we've got our next fighter, electric fingers.
36:16
Is he that's right?
36:17
It's Fizzle Fingers.
36:21
Fizzle Fingers is going to slowly walk forward.
36:25
He's moving his shoulders up and down.
36:27
And he's going to stop, raise his hands in front of his face,
36:31
and then electricity is going to flow between his fingers
36:33
as he pulls them apart and then shoots them straight up
36:36
as lightning flies.
36:39
And you hear some people in the crowd and they're like,
36:40
oh, no, that's magic.
36:42
That's magic.
36:45
It's for show.
36:48
Woo-la-la-la-la.
36:51
It's fire and tech mix.
36:54
And finally, the remaining member of this group
36:58
who goes unnamed, the final member, Nacho Boy.
37:07
Nacho Boy turns around and flexes his buttocks.
37:10
Just squeeze it.
37:12
There's a little like, shh, the iron buck.
37:15
Crazy.
37:16
Here, Maki casts a gust who makes his cape fly.
37:21
So you can get a better--
37:24
You hear amidst all the clapping and excitement
37:27
from the crowd here, from a few different areas
37:30
as well as you approach.
37:32
Walking along the towel.
37:34
How are you walking towards the ring?
37:37
Space all clenching your butt cheeks?
37:40
I'm walking back.
37:44
It's like a moonwalk while we've clenched the butt cheeks.
37:47
With that, the battle will begin.
37:49
I need everybody to roll your initiative.
37:52
18.
37:58
Hold your chair for control.
38:00
Kick a thing.
38:01
Kick a things off.
38:02
All right.
38:03
How about the rest of you guys?
38:04
15, 15, 16.
38:06
Also 16.
38:08
Oh, yep.
38:09
You kicking things off.
38:10
King Fortunius is first.
38:13
So in this voice now.
38:15
How big is the syrica where--
38:17
It's pretty big.
38:18
I mean, you can get to them from where you're at.
38:21
It's just-- you got rough dimensions to this, biz.
38:25
Cameron, you said-- what did you say?
38:26
We're 500 by 500.
38:27
That's like a big warehouse.
38:29
I mean, it is a warehouse.
38:30
What he said is that it was a massive warehouse.
38:32
And that's like the arena with which we are fighting.
38:35
Right.
38:35
Because they moved all the workout equipment out
38:38
of the way, so it's just one big opal floor.
38:39
That's so strong, boys.
38:40
Oh, yeah.
38:42
But there's a lot of people here.
38:43
So you got like two to three guys that pick up a piece of it.
38:45
And they're all boys.
38:46
OK, so we'll say 500 by 500 in this room.
38:49
OK.
38:50
And how far apart are we?
38:51
Yeah, where do we-- because if we're starting in opposite areas,
38:54
we're like 1,000 feet away from each other.
38:58
This is going to be--
39:00
if you wouldn't really argue, you'd see the score.
39:03
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
39:04
And most, you'd be 500 feet away.
39:07
At most, 500 feet.
39:08
And how far--
39:09
Well, but--
39:09
That's not--
39:10
You'd have to take into account the Pythagorean theorem.
39:13
The hypotenuse could be--
39:15
Yeah, most.
39:15
See if it's--
39:16
You're not opposite like 1,000.
39:17
I just imagined C was in the center.
39:20
And then we all came out from the room.
39:23
And that's basically the flight.
39:24
OK, we'll say 200 feet, roughly.
39:27
We're about 200 feet.
39:28
We're about 50 feet from the edge.
39:30
So he's about 200 feet from us.
39:31
OK.
39:32
We'll say--
39:32
We'll say 200 feet.
39:34
OK.
39:34
And how far can I move in a single turn?
39:36
Your speed should be on there.
39:38
So I can move 25 feet in a turn.
39:40
Unless you sprint--
39:41
You could sprint, which is your whole action.
39:43
Yeah, it'll use your movement and your action.
39:45
And then that will double your movement.
39:47
Can I see--
39:48
So I guess I'll just start going over there.
39:54
You just start sprinting towards them.
39:55
Start walking.
39:56
Oh, you're just walking over them.
39:59
Yeah.
40:00
Oh, yeah, we're going to--
40:02
And then we cut back to you guys.
40:04
And since you guys are still too far away,
40:06
you guys are going to be so sore.
40:08
Yeah.
40:10
Yeah, but I didn't--
40:11
It's got too much confidence.
40:12
We don't exactly do cardio in these two.
40:14
Yeah.
40:16
So yeah, I just moved 25 feet close to town.
40:19
So I'm now 200--
40:20
no, 175 feet away.
40:25
That's all I can do.
40:27
Yep.
40:28
That's my route.
40:29
That's all I can--
40:30
I only have melee.
40:31
No, that's fair.
40:32
That's fair.
40:34
All right, well, with that being said, we'll jump over to Dez.
40:37
Dez will also sprint towards him,
40:41
closing the distance by 60 feet.
40:43
And that's it.
40:44
That's all right.
40:44
So I'm 170.
40:46
So you are 115 feet away from me.
40:49
The reward turns to this, and I'll be right there.
40:52
I should have just said 100 feet from each other.
40:54
You know, we started--
40:55
Should we just-- yeah, should we just cut to that?
40:58
Nobody's doing anything arranged, right?
41:01
I was going to, but it's good.
41:03
Well, you can hang bad.
41:05
Maybe start us within 100 feet.
41:06
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:07
Let's do 100.
41:08
Let's cut to 100.
41:09
It's just us charging.
41:11
Yeah, let's us see it in Monty Python.
41:13
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:14
Lancelot is running, charging the gate.
41:17
So we're going to narrow--
41:18
we're going to retcon this to 100 feet,
41:21
with King Fortunus walking 25 feet,
41:23
intimidatingly towards you guys.
41:25
Dez has moved a total of 60 feet closer.
41:29
There's still a 15 foot gap.
41:32
Keto.
41:33
Keto will do the same thing as Dez.
41:35
Oh, god.
41:36
Charge forward.
41:36
Charge forward.
41:38
Nice.
41:38
OK.
41:38
30 or the 60.
41:40
It's interesting to note, but I mean,
41:42
I guess it's not really going to matter.
41:44
Once people get-- who want Melee, get into Melee range,
41:47
and then people who want range are where they're at, basically.
41:51
Oh, he is going to--
41:53
what is he going?
41:54
Enter a defensive stance.
41:56
Oh, OK.
41:57
Using his tunnel fighter feet.
41:59
OK.
42:00
Sounds good.
42:01
Perfect.
42:02
Getting ready for the onslaught.
42:04
I have a question.
42:05
Yes.
42:06
Now that it's your turn.
42:07
So if I use my chromatic infusion,
42:09
which lets me add a specific type of damage to my weapon.
42:13
Right.
42:14
Is this visible?
42:15
Because I said there-- last time I used the-- yeah,
42:18
they could see lightning shooting out of it when I fired it,
42:21
but like, could I choose not to do that?
42:23
Let me-- I will put it this way.
42:24
It's like, what if I did poison?
42:26
Right.
42:26
I will put it this way.
42:27
If it's something that wouldn't be visible,
42:31
then you could do that, and nobody would really notice.
42:34
Correct.
42:35
Right.
42:36
Electricity, obviously, very noticeable.
42:38
The fire would be very noticeable.
42:40
I don't know about cold.
42:41
It's just more cold.
42:42
It's just cold.
42:43
Yeah.
42:44
He would notice, but I don't think
42:46
he's in a position where he's going to be like,
42:48
oh, it's going to use the magic.
42:50
No, especially since the cold is only 1d4 of the majority
42:55
of the damage, which is going to be--
42:57
it's more going to be painful.
42:58
Right.
42:58
Right.
42:58
Right.
42:59
And you just might-- I think the cold feeling
43:01
is just from the pain.
43:02
Yep.
43:03
Anyways, I will do cold.
43:04
I'm going to imbue my weapon with cold damage,
43:09
and then I'm going to-- he sent me five feet away,
43:12
so I'm within range.
43:12
So I'm just going to pull out my bow,
43:14
and I'm just going to fire at him.
43:15
OK.
43:16
Sounds good.
43:16
Roll that attack.
43:17
23 to hit.
43:18
That sounds like it'll hit.
43:19
10 damage.
43:20
10 damage.
43:21
I'm just auto-added in the cold damage,
43:24
because he's not resistant.
43:26
Yeah.
43:26
I don't think he has any kind of weakness or anything like that.
43:28
All right.
43:29
So you fire an arrow and slams into him,
43:32
and he feels as it hits him this freezing cold over the spot
43:36
where it makes contact.
43:37
It doesn't-- obviously doesn't bother him more than anything
43:41
else might, but it definitely is adding to the damage.
43:44
And you see him kind of shrug.
43:46
I imagine he probably just rips the arrow right out
43:48
of his arm or whatever it is to hit.
43:50
He don't take more than tiny sticks to bring the king down.
43:56
Maki finishing off the order.
44:00
So how close are you guys?
44:02
So two of them are within 15 of him, yeah.
44:05
75 from us, too.
44:07
OK.
44:08
Yeah, I'm going to rush in with those guys
44:11
and get in range to range.
44:14
OK.
44:15
Yeah, I'll say.
44:16
I'm going to throw the book at you.
44:20
I pull out the law textbook.
44:23
You've been holding on to it for so long.
44:26
This is one of the two weapons I chose to bring.
44:28
Nice.
44:30
I love that.
44:31
Too perfect.
44:32
It's too good.
44:34
Chuck it out.
44:37
From 75 feet away.
44:39
Well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
44:40
Wouldn't that be an action, though?
44:42
That is a little action.
44:43
Oh, you're saying--
44:44
Because you didn't spray it.
44:46
Well, you've got the book out.
44:48
It's out the ready as you're rushing towards.
44:50
Yeah, I say that.
44:51
I'm going to ruin the moment a little bit.
44:54
I have an order.
44:55
I'm going to show the book at you.
44:57
I'm going to show the book at you.
44:59
And he goes, too many words.
45:03
And with that, we're back at the top of the order
45:04
with King Fortunus.
45:06
I love the fact that it's like how they always grab a chair,
45:09
grab a ladder or something.
45:11
You bust out a giant law textbook.
45:13
No way.
45:14
Yeah.
45:15
I use a bonus action to cast Expedious Retreat.
45:19
Get me extra move.
45:21
OK.
45:22
I like always how when you Expedious Retreat,
45:24
you always use it in like a--
45:26
It's not a retreat.
45:27
You can reuse it.
45:27
It's a run-in.
45:28
Always just to make you fast.
45:30
How much movement does it give you?
45:32
Well, it gives me a dash action.
45:35
Oh, OK.
45:35
So it'll double.
45:36
So it'll get you--
45:36
It gives me a dash action.
45:38
OK.
45:38
So yeah, you're within throwing distance.
45:39
Like, throw the book in.
45:40
Yeah.
45:43
All right.
45:43
So you rush forward.
45:45
You reach into your cloak.
45:46
Pull out this giant law textbook as you zip past,
45:51
or at least up alongside your friends at an unnatural speed,
45:54
and then hurl this book at him.
45:57
Roll an attack, I guess, use your normal ranged--
46:02
Am I a trap fisherman?
46:04
Technically not.
46:05
[LAUGHTER]
46:07
[INAUDIBLE]
46:09
[CHEERING]
46:12
Oh, man.
46:13
Now I got to think of what--
46:14
What is the fucking book?
46:16
Kill Sim.
46:17
It opens up on a page.
46:19
He starts reading how he just killed a man.
46:21
20 to 25 years.
46:23
I like the idea.
46:25
As you throw it at him, the book opens up,
46:28
and it hits him right in the face.
46:29
And as it does, the cover's slams,
46:32
so it just crushes him a little bit.
46:34
Is it like, it is two years, and draws him?
46:37
The yell like, Smitty's just going down.
46:38
[INAUDIBLE]
46:41
Do-- I guess it'd be--
46:44
I don't know what to give a book.
46:46
1D6 is the typical thing, but then you'd be doing double.
46:50
So you do 1D6, and then plus the max damage, which is six.
46:54
Oh, yeah.
46:57
That's going to be seven.
46:58
All right, hey, well, seven damage
46:59
as this book slams into King Fortunus' face
47:03
and kind of squishes his ears between the covers.
47:06
Do birds have ears?
47:08
They have ear holes.
47:09
That's got to be a long book.
47:10
He's got a beak.
47:11
Yeah, that's true.
47:13
It causes him to look down a little bit.
47:18
All right, sounds good.
47:19
With that, we're back at the top of the order with King
47:21
Fortunus.
47:23
Maki is closest to me, or is he in Iran?
47:25
Technically, all three.
47:26
So Maki, Keto, and Troub book at me.
47:29
So that's true.
47:31
I'll go ahead and--
47:33
You throw this big book of words at King Fortunus.
47:38
Insinuating, I can't read it.
47:41
I understand the gravity of what I'm about to do to the Fortunus.
47:47
He chucks the book backwards.
47:49
You won't be needing that when I'm done with you.
47:52
So he comes up, gets within range.
47:55
At this moment, Maki realizes it may not
47:58
have been the best idea to dress as a judge while facing a--
48:02
[LAUGHTER]
48:06
I will hit Maki with a claw melee.
48:11
OK.
48:12
That is--
48:14
You're good.
48:14
You won that one.
48:15
So that's how--
48:16
That's a--
48:17
[INAUDIBLE]
48:18
Dang, King Fortunus is never a Fortunus at the moment.
48:23
You go lunging forward with a big punch,
48:26
and all you hit is hair.
48:29
As your fist goes into his giant wig and pulls back,
48:34
nothing, no contact made.
48:36
There is no flesh nor bones in this hair.
48:40
What kind of sorcery are you pulling?
48:44
Does he still have his other--
48:46
like, here, bones all the time.
48:47
Do I still have my--
48:47
Yeah, yeah, you still have your other hand.
48:48
All right, so I guess since he--
48:49
His next punch is a little more cushiony.
48:51
I was going to say, it'll be a disadvantage.
48:53
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:54
I like to think that King Fortunus doesn't miss often.
48:57
So when he does, it really throws him off,
49:00
or at least in this moment.
49:01
Yeah, I'm going to--
49:02
I'm going to be rolling like poopy with this.
49:05
So I'm going to be--
49:06
What are you using it for?
49:06
Why are you--
49:07
Yeah, I'll leave it.
49:08
This is the best way to DM and encounter.
49:10
I don't have to keep track of anyone's health points.
49:12
They're armor-climber.
49:13
This is really tall.
49:14
Yeah.
49:15
All right.
49:15
So 18.
49:15
Oh, 18.
49:16
OK.
49:17
So the 18 to slam, body slam.
49:20
Yeah, I'll do a body slam.
49:22
All right, well, Dez is the only other one that--
49:24
See, you don't finish the mini minotaur in Nacho Boy.
49:27
Wait, so you're still going to--
49:28
you're going to body slam Dez?
49:30
I'll body slam Dez.
49:31
OK, sounds good.
49:31
They're all the same area.
49:33
OK.
49:33
I had imagined if they're like in a line,
49:35
he like whips.
49:36
Yeah.
49:36
And then he sees the other two.
49:38
The other guy.
49:39
That makes sense.
49:39
It's the first thing in this bitching.
49:41
Perhaps.
49:42
He's a very focused bird.
49:44
Very-- yeah, he's very hyperfixing.
49:46
Yeah.
49:46
He's ready to all that damage already.
49:49
What's-- what is it?
49:52
Is it just a flat damage?
49:53
And--
49:54
So it gives you the flat damage,
49:57
and then it tells you what you could roll.
49:58
He's a much smaller creature, which he is.
50:00
It must succeed at DC 15 strength, say.
50:03
So he needs to roll 15 or higher on a strength save.
50:06
Yes.
50:07
Oh, what's that double ones?
50:08
I saved that strength save.
50:10
Oh, you did make it?
50:11
OK.
50:11
So as you whiff it into the hair of the judge,
50:17
you turn and see Nacho Boy standing there.
50:20
And in your anger, you leap forward
50:22
trying to smash your whole body on top of him.
50:24
And you do succeed.
50:26
Although he kind of dodges out of the way
50:27
so that you only slam into a portion of him,
50:29
kind of make him spin a little bit,
50:31
but you don't trap him underneath your body.
50:33
You deal 10 damage to him total, and he is not
50:38
knocked under your own body weight.
50:40
Yes, take that.
50:42
You minnaged your tortilla chip, man.
50:45
Who else wants a crack at the king?
50:48
Well, the mini tortilla chip man has his turn
50:52
to take a crack at the king, as he dodges more or less
50:55
out of the way.
50:56
I'm going true.
50:58
I have dual-wielded hand axes.
51:01
Nice.
51:02
I'm going to roll both attacks, I think.
51:04
OK.
51:05
15?
51:06
No, it does not.
51:07
Oh, darn.
51:08
Then we'll use my bonus axe to swing again.
51:11
And that's not going to hit, because that's less than a 15.
51:15
As he's kind of picking himself up after this body slam,
51:18
you start swinging towards him, kind of towards the ground
51:20
that he's rolling and dodging out of the way
51:23
to keep your hand access from chopping into him.
51:25
And they slam down and take out chunks of the floor instead.
51:29
We move over to Keto, who's standing also right next to you
51:32
guys.
51:32
Yes.
51:33
Do you have your--
51:35
Keto has his glaive.
51:36
His glaive.
51:37
Already glaive.
51:38
What is it?
51:39
So it's like a tall spear with a blade on the end?
51:43
Sick of.
51:44
Instead of a spear point, it's like a sword.
51:47
Yeah, yeah.
51:48
I like what the Fire Nation guy, Jerry, did.
51:50
Yes.
51:51
Yes.
51:52
Keto's seeing his comrade bloodied
51:54
is going to exit his defensive stance
51:57
and just run at the bird using peck tactics a 26.
52:04
Whoa.
52:05
Six damage.
52:06
Well, just 26 damage.
52:07
Oh, yeah, that for sure.
52:08
OK, nice.
52:09
All right.
52:10
What are you doing damage-wise, mini minotaur?
52:13
So it's a d10.
52:15
10 damage.
52:16
10 damage.
52:17
As you slash it, as King Fortunus
52:20
is rolling around on the floor dodging these axes,
52:23
he's not lucky enough to dodge the glaive that
52:26
comes slashing down at him, slicing across to one
52:30
of his proud biceps.
52:33
You have only made me look cooler
52:35
as we go through this battle.
52:38
Oh, yeah?
52:39
And here responds with a second attack.
52:42
Yeah.
52:43
Well, how about a 23?
52:47
No, 23, I mean, yeah, it is.
52:50
Same thing.
52:51
All right, fair.
52:52
Do it the same.
52:53
Better.
52:54
So that'd be 14.
52:55
14 damage.
52:58
As he starts to monologue about how much cooler you've
53:00
made him, you figure, well, I'll give him another.
53:03
And you slash his other bicep.
53:05
Now, both of his biceps are bleeding profusely.
53:08
They both look as cool as the other.
53:12
And finally, you get a third roll.
53:15
He makes his action surge as a fighter
53:18
and makes one additional action.
53:20
This is where fighters get kind of crazy.
53:22
He's coming in more than that.
53:24
Another attack.
53:25
It's definitely a good time to pull out all the stops.
53:28
Nope.
53:28
That is the last game of the year.
53:30
Brandt, can't you do anything about now?
53:31
16.
53:33
If it's--
53:33
The needed beats.
53:34
Does it--
53:35
I'm going to say immediate beats.
53:37
That's as it does.
53:39
I do not see a big deal.
53:40
Objection overrule.
53:42
[LAUGHTER]
53:44
There's another 13.
53:46
This is what-- see, I had messaged Cameron at one point
53:49
when after you went to the arcade
53:51
and got all those abilities.
53:53
And I said, dude, he's capable of doing this amount of damage
53:57
in one round at max.
53:59
But you did 37 damage.
54:01
Holy cow.
54:03
The defendant may retake their seat.
54:05
[LAUGHTER]
54:07
Says the judge as you sort of twirl your glaive and slash
54:11
like upward up his body.
54:13
As he's kind of just telling you how much
54:15
cooler you're making his biceps, you
54:17
decide to slash across his chest.
54:19
One of those did invoke the slasher feet,
54:21
so your movement is decreased by 10.
54:24
Oh.
54:25
Oh, that's cool.
54:27
All right, Rorick, you're up.
54:28
Sorry, fizzle fingers.
54:30
Fizzle fingers is just going to take aim.
54:32
And he saw Keto go absolutely crazy on him.
54:36
He's like, all right, my turn.
54:38
And he's going to aim his bone, seeing
54:40
that the guy is distracted.
54:41
That's a 21 to hit.
54:43
I'm going to roll my D6.
54:45
And I'm going to add two more because of my snake attack.
54:50
15 damage.
54:52
15 damage as this arrow comes flying through what element?
54:56
Did you use a cold?
54:58
Slams in.
55:00
This might be in trouble.
55:03
Slams into freezing a chunk of one of your packs.
55:07
My massive packs.
55:08
Yeah.
55:10
And then Rorick after landed an attack, he fist bumps.
55:14
Nice.
55:14
And a little electricity flies around
55:16
his hand as he fist bumps.
55:17
And then he's going to go forward about 15 feet.
55:20
Just so he's within 60 feet of Des.
55:23
And then he's going to be like, Des, you got a net.
55:26
You'll get him next time.
55:27
And I'm giving Des Bartick and Spurry.
55:29
Nice.
55:29
Nice.
55:31
Awesome.
55:31
Yep, set that D6 aside.
55:33
You're going to want it.
55:34
All right, last and not least, the judge,
55:37
after making a couple of clever quips,
55:40
is standing there and has an opportunity to attack.
55:43
The judge uses his extra speed to rush around the defendant.
55:50
Oh, and attack from the rear.
55:53
He reaches into his judge's robe and pulls out
55:56
a wooden war hammer.
55:58
It's a giant gamble.
56:01
And he says, order in the court.
56:03
He goes to attack.
56:05
This is just an unending secret of--
56:08
I missed the--
56:09
Great references happen.
56:10
He pulled-- well, I'll do the narration.
56:12
16 plus stuff.
56:15
Yeah, that hits.
56:16
All right, roll that damage.
56:18
It's a D8.
56:19
I think so, yeah.
56:20
But I'm not proficient.
56:22
Right.
56:22
Oh, no.
56:24
Is it a 1?
56:25
Just 1 damage.
56:26
Oh, no, 1 damage.
56:28
So yeah, Maki swings around King Fortunus,
56:32
who's distracted mostly by Keto, getting slashed across,
56:35
and then getting hit by a random arrow as well.
56:37
And Maki reaches into his cloaks,
56:40
pulls out this large wooden war hammer,
56:44
which is basically a giant gavel,
56:46
and bonks very cartoonishly King Fortunus on the head
56:52
for 1 damage.
56:53
Ouch.
56:54
You're old.
56:55
But it's something.
56:56
It's something.
56:57
That's going to be the damage that kills him, right?
56:59
Someone else is going to kill him.
57:00
Last damage.
57:01
That would have been--
57:02
That would have been so funny.
57:04
We're just snogged about like a cartoon.
57:05
Like, he just starts getting dizzy.
57:06
He's--
57:07
A giant?
57:08
Like a giant-- well, rose on top.
57:10
Sad.
57:13
With that being said, King Fortunus now
57:15
has the opportunity to react.
57:18
All right.
57:19
I see you may be more formidable than I had once in me.
57:23
He takes out his spinach.
57:25
So he has a spinach, and he injects--
57:28
He has a spinach.
57:29
He injects a spinach.
57:30
He injects a spinach.
57:32
And you see like the muscles just grow up to his fist
57:35
and then come back.
57:36
And up to his other fist and come back.
57:39
I'll read it.
57:40
So we've decided that the spinach--
57:44
do I do the whole buffs or just--
57:45
Yeah, it's all of them.
57:46
So plus 15 movement, plus 5 to melee attacks.
57:50
But it inflicts reckless.
57:52
So at the start of its turn, can gain advantage
57:55
on all melee weapon attack rolls during that turn.
57:58
But attack rolls against it have advantage until the start
58:01
of end-ditch generation.
58:02
Yeah, like barbarian race.
58:03
Right.
58:04
Does that if I use it?
58:05
So what's up?
58:06
They all use advantage as well?
58:07
Yeah, yeah.
58:08
Is that plus 5 to melee?
58:10
No, no, no, that's inch.
58:11
Plus 5 to damage.
58:12
Yep.
58:12
Yeah.
58:13
So I kill plus 5 damage.
58:14
Yes.
58:15
But you have advantage to hit.
58:16
So you're getting an advantage to hit,
58:17
and you're adding more damage to it when you do.
58:19
So right.
58:20
But if I use advantage, then everybody else gets advantage.
58:24
True.
58:25
True.
58:25
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
58:26
And I have three guys using melee.
58:28
The key thing here, though, is that you don't really
58:30
get a choice with the spinach.
58:32
Yeah.
58:32
I mean, it's all on else.
58:33
Just stuck it?
58:34
Yeah, yeah.
58:35
It--
58:36
So you inject it, and you--
58:38
Did you heal him then?
58:38
No, it did not heal.
58:40
You inject the spinach, and you start to just get furious.
58:43
As your muscles start to get bigger.
58:45
Oh, yeah.
58:47
Now it's time to unleash the ping.
58:50
So he goes over to Gido.
58:52
Gido.
58:52
You dealt third.
58:53
I like how he-- I like how he targets.
58:55
Yeah, he sees the glade.
58:56
This is the first I was going after.
58:58
Can I actually--
58:59
I was going to have the guy like yell to a guy,
59:01
so turn off the lights.
59:03
Oh, can I do that?
59:04
Instead of this attack, you just
59:07
injected spinach for literally no reason.
59:09
Here's where it gets tricky, right?
59:11
You tail the guy to turn off the light,
59:12
and then it's going to be disadvantaged,
59:14
so it's going to cancel out your advantage,
59:16
and then you'll just be doing the attacks.
59:17
But he has dark scissors.
59:19
Oh.
59:20
You can see in the dark up to 60.
59:22
Oh, I hear it.
59:23
Well, hey, sure, yeah.
59:26
Turn out the lights, Ricky.
59:29
Oh, yes, sir.
59:31
And then the lights all just go off.
59:33
It's pitch black in there.
59:34
Pretty lame fight.
59:35
If the full power just goes on the middle of it.
59:38
Yeah, I didn't know.
59:39
Everybody's like, I don't know what's going on.
59:41
Yeah, the spectators are like booing in there
59:43
while their money is out.
59:45
All right, well, the lights are off.
59:46
But King Fortunus has dark vision.
59:49
I can see it.
59:50
So it's pretty clever.
59:51
Feet.
59:52
So I'm going to use this on keto.
59:54
Keto.
59:55
All right.
59:55
So it also has dark vision.
59:57
I get 18.
59:58
18?
59:59
Does 18 hit?
1:00:00
It does not.
1:00:00
It does not hit.
1:00:01
It does not hit.
1:00:01
Gosh, dang.
1:00:03
You swing and you kind of like clip one of the horns
1:00:07
on his helmet.
1:00:08
And it just makes the helmet swing on his head.
1:00:11
But it doesn't actually hurt no more.
1:00:12
Yeah.
1:00:13
Well, he's got two more.
1:00:14
So he's going to come back.
1:00:15
Yep.
1:00:15
I always come back up today.
1:00:17
What an advantage.
1:00:19
Oh, yeah, that's right.
1:00:20
Oh, what was that second?
1:00:21
What was that second one?
1:00:22
Oh, so OK, that's your first attack.
1:00:25
First attack is--
1:00:27
OK, so the second one is a 19.
1:00:29
Wait a little.
1:00:30
That's total.
1:00:31
Doesn't hit because he's doing a hit.
1:00:32
All right, well, he's going to unload the clip on.
1:00:35
Here we go.
1:00:36
All right, 26.
1:00:38
OK, that's going to hit.
1:00:39
All right, all right, so 19 damage.
1:00:41
He swings once with one fist.
1:00:44
He does a cross.
1:00:45
It hits the horn, spins one way.
1:00:47
He swings with the other fist, hits the other horn
1:00:51
on the helmet, spins the other way.
1:00:53
Emits that confusion the helmet is creating.
1:00:56
He swings one more time, slamming straight into Keto's face.
1:01:01
Even to be fair, if he also has night vision,
1:01:03
he'd be able to dodge that pretty--
1:01:05
Sure.
1:01:06
--the first two.
1:01:07
Can't dodge the A train, baby.
1:01:11
Bam.
1:01:13
With that, we jump over to Dez Nacho Boy.
1:01:16
Dez cannot see in the dark.
1:01:18
Uh-oh.
1:01:18
Uh-oh.
1:01:21
Because he's reckless, you would have an advantage on him.
1:01:24
The darkness creates disadvantage.
1:01:25
It cancels that out, so you would just
1:01:27
be doing normal attacks against him.
1:01:29
Yeah.
1:01:30
Because you can hear him.
1:01:31
Very loud.
1:01:32
Yeah, he likes to influence himself.
1:01:34
Yes.
1:01:35
Yes, that's part of his reckless--
1:01:37
You see?
1:01:37
I'm going to use my action for my first swing.
1:01:42
How about a 24?
1:01:44
Sliving.
1:01:45
That's going to hit.
1:01:47
10.
1:01:47
Nice.
1:01:48
Here, man.
1:01:49
First one.
1:01:49
Second attack.
1:01:51
How about an 18?
1:01:53
Oh.
1:01:54
18 on the--
1:01:55
That's a hit.
1:01:56
To hit.
1:01:57
Yeah.
1:01:57
Yeah.
1:01:58
And offhand attacks, say, just the broad dice.
1:02:02
Right, a bonus.
1:02:03
Right.
1:02:03
Right.
1:02:05
An extra three damage.
1:02:07
Three damage.
1:02:08
13 total.
1:02:08
So amidst this darkness, you can hear him,
1:02:11
and you just close your eyes, allowing your sense of hearing
1:02:14
to guide your attacks.
1:02:16
Maybe your sense of smell.
1:02:17
Who knows?
1:02:17
Yeah, like Daredevil, exactly.
1:02:19
And so you start swinging one axe, sure enough,
1:02:22
makes purchase, and you can feel the muscle tendons,
1:02:25
and you're like, oh, I know exactly who I hit,
1:02:27
because all my friends are really scrawny.
1:02:29
You come back with the second one,
1:02:31
just going straight for that same area.
1:02:33
And although it doesn't make a huge gash,
1:02:35
you definitely make contact with that second swing.
1:02:38
With that, we're moving on to Keto.
1:02:42
Who can see amidst the darkness?
1:02:44
Yes, Keto can see.
1:02:46
As the night falls, Keto uses his bonus action
1:02:50
to summon a magical, translucent gray image of himself.
1:02:55
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1:02:57
No one else can see this, though.
1:02:59
Can you see?
1:03:00
I can see no one but you and whoever has--
1:03:03
Everyone was in but Natcho boy here.
1:03:06
Oh, everyone but Natcho boy has dark vision?
1:03:09
To you, Dan.
1:03:09
He just looks like a card copy of me,
1:03:13
given its cloak of darkness.
1:03:16
And then he proceeds to attack with a damage 19.
1:03:19
19?
1:03:20
9/8.
1:03:21
8.
1:03:22
OK.
1:03:23
Attack number two.
1:03:25
That one will not.
1:03:27
All right.
1:03:28
So amidst the darkness, you just hear,
1:03:32
as your glaives slices through flesh,
1:03:34
you go for a second attack.
1:03:36
But this time, King Fortunus is wised up to your attacks
1:03:39
and slightly dodges out of the way
1:03:41
so that your glaive just barely misses.
1:03:44
We move on to Rorik, who from a distance can see.
1:03:50
I think you've moved up within 60 feet.
1:03:52
Yeah, so you should be OK.
1:03:54
C60 feet.
1:03:55
And so--
1:03:55
Yep.
1:03:56
Dang, I probably should have.
1:03:57
Hey, you got rid of one guy's visibility, I guess.
1:04:00
Literally one guy, yeah?
1:04:01
I didn't know they all had it.
1:04:03
That's all right.
1:04:04
To fair, you already were giving them advantage.
1:04:06
So it was one way to try and go against it, whatsoever.
1:04:10
Anyways, Rorik's just going to make an attack with his bow.
1:04:12
17.
1:04:14
That hits.
1:04:14
17 damage.
1:04:16
17 damage is another arrow.
1:04:19
Tears us through the darkness and slams into King Fortunus.
1:04:23
He's dead.
1:04:24
He's dead?
1:04:24
He's dead.
1:04:27
Does he say anything as he gets hit and starts to crumple?
1:04:31
Oh, no.
1:04:33
You just kind of fall back.
1:04:36
And you guys--
1:04:37
Got to come back up.
1:04:38
You guys are standing there amidst the darkness.
1:04:40
You can yell at Ricky to--
1:04:41
Peter, like this, ban the echo before the lights turn off.
1:04:44
OK.
1:04:45
Monke mimics Fortunus' voice.
1:04:48
It says, turn the lights back on, Ricky.
1:04:51
Oh, you got it, boss.
1:04:53
Turns the lights back on as the light illuminates
1:04:56
the entire auditorium.
1:04:57
Everybody--
1:04:58
[GASP]
1:04:59
--and everybody gasps as they see the dead body of King
1:05:04
Fortunus in the center.
1:05:06
They're in disbelief.
1:05:08
But I mean, there's not really much
1:05:10
they can say in terms of doubt, because King Fortunus was
1:05:13
the one that told them to turn the lights off.
1:05:15
So if anything questionable happened behind the scenes,
1:05:17
they would not be the wiser to it.
1:05:20
So with that, you have successfully
1:05:22
defeated the great, the powerful King Fortunus.
1:05:27
And with that, we're going to close out this episode.
1:05:29
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1:05:33
Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Island Numus,
1:05:36
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1:05:39
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1:06:58
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1:07:01
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1:07:04
[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
1:07:11
[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
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[MUSIC ENDS]
1:07:35
[BLANK_AUDIO]