Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / I Forgive You… But You Still Don't Get Access to Me
Transcript
- Tori: If you've ever said I forgive you, this is gonna be for you. Because somehow when we say those things, somebody else will hear, okay, so yeah, everything go by right back to normal, right? Yeah, no, babe. That's not what I'm saying at all. That is not what is happening. I said I forgive you. I didn't say that we could be best friends again. I'm not saying that you have access to all of my business again. And I'm not saying that you have access to me all the time, period. I didn't say that the trust magically come came back. And I definitely didn't say that we're pretending that none of this happened. And that is what we're gonna be talking about today. Side note, allergies whooping me again today. So you're gonna hear a congested, annoying voice. And if you don't want to listen to that, I respect it. You can turn me off now. If you can navigate and survive it, I appreciate it and continue listening. It's all up to you guys. But I'm saying that because that's what I want to talk about today in general, the main topic, because I think that we're we're creating or like we have this basic understanding from society that forgiveness automatically comes with reconciliation, right? And that if you truly forgive somebody, that you should be able to go right back into that relationship that you had before with them. And I highly disagree with this and don't necessarily believe this to be true. And it is important because I also don't believe that every person that hurts you needs to be immediately cut off as well. So that's why this reconciliation is gonna come in. Because we all know social media will have you cutting off your mama, daddy, cousin, husband, brother, sister, coworker, even the lady at Sam's Club checking your receipt to make sure you bought ac everything could probably piss you off and be like, Yeah, I'm cutting them off too type of s type of scenario. Because everybody's toxic, everybody's a narcissist, everybody needs to get blocked, right? No. That's not how it's supposed to be. So we're going to have a more neon nuanced conversation today about this. We're gonna be talking about forgiveness and we're gonna be talking about reconciliation. We'll also be adding in those boundaries per usual, some accountability and what building rebuilding that trust looks like. And then we're also gonna Flip the conversation around because it's always easy to talk about what happens when somebody hurts you, but what happens when you're actually the person who caused the hurt, right? So yeah, we're gonna be going all the way up in there too. With all of that being said, welcome back to another episode of Don't Quote Me. If you're new here, hey, I'm the host, Tori. I am a therapist, a mom, and just a basic general human being just trying to navigate through life just like everybody else. just as always, this podcast is for educational informational purposes only. This is not therapy. This is not diagnosing and we are not having individualized mental health advice. If you are in need of any mental health advice andor seeking any mental professional help, please contact your nearest resources around your area. 988 in America, always feel free to reach out to them, text, call, whatever. Okay, let's dive in now. So I want to start here with the forgiveness and reconciliation and understanding that these are two different processes that occur. And I think that sometimes we get it confused because we end up combining them, right? So forgiveness can be something that you are working for working through internally. You know how, like they say, forgiveness is for yourself, not for others. That is exactly what it is. Because it can involve you processing anger, resentment, grief, disappointment, or whatever emotions that have connected to a scenario that occurred. However, reconciliation involves the actual relationship. So that means that another person is involved in this. And if we're building, rebuilding a relationship, now we're talking about things like accountability, trust. Safety, communication, changed behavior, consistency, repairing, those things require more than just a I'm sorry. So theoretically, I can forgive you and I can still decide I don't want this relationship anymore. Or I want this relationship, however, it's not gonna go back to the way that it was looking prior to this. those aren't necessarily contradictions. And I think that is especially difficult when we're talking about family when it comes to these things because we always hear that family relationships Often are more difficult and serious because you'll always hear like that's your mom though, but that's your dad, that's your sister, that's your brother, cousin, that's family, period. They're supposed to be able to basically bend and break these rules and boundaries that you've established for yourself is what the general scenario of all or understanding of all of that is. However, being related to somebody just tells me what that relationship is, is, right? That is your mom. That is your dad. That is your sister. It doesn't automatically tell me what that relationship actually is and what it looks like, the ins and outs of it all. Therefore, those are two different things that I'm talking about. So when I say access, I'm not necessarily meaning completely removing yourself from their lives, right? Or them removing them from your life. Access can exist in a spectrum. Maybe someone used to know everything that would happen in your life and now they don't. Maybe you used to speak to somebody every single day and now you only talk once a week, or maybe even used to spend time together every holiday, and now you decide which events you actually want to attend. Maybe you still love somebody. You just stop asking them for a s emotional support because you've learned they're not capable of providing that in the way that you actually need it. That can be a boundary too. I love to put that emphasis because boundaries are not always traumatic. Somebody doesn't need to get blocked, cut off. There's no announcement. There's no paragraphs. There's no Facebook posting saying I'm entering a new season and everybody can't come with me, right? I see those all the time and I'm just like, we don't have to announce these things. Like, just do it. but sometimes you simply just change the amount of access that somebody has to you. there's a book I used to read. Well, I've read prior. And I feel like it was a great metaphor of you are the house, right? You have your front yard, you have a gate, and then there's the outside streets. You get to decide who is allowed to be on the outside of that gate, who is allowed to come on the inside of the gate, who is allowed to be in the kitchen, who's allowed to be on your porch, who's allowed to be in your bedroom. There's different levels to the access that you provide to people. It's not just all or nothing type of things. And I think that's important because boundaries are supposed to help define what I will do, what I will participate in, and what I am available for. So that combines, because I kind of feel like that was all over the place, but basically your house, you're the house, you get to control the boundaries and the places that you allow people in, if that makes better sense. because they're not supposed to be you better do exactly what I say or else. That is control, baby. A boundary might sound like if yelling starts to starts happening during this conversation, I'm going to end the conversation. And I know I'm getting real repetitive in these podcasts when it comes to boundaries, but I feel like and I not even feel like I want you guys to understand like boundaries are a major thing that can help you get to the life that you're actually wanting to live. Boundaries are the roots in the tree to grow. Cause majority of the time when you come to therapy or when people come to therapy, it's just, well, no, I've never thought of it that way, or no, I never say no because X, Y, and Z. But it's like, just imagine if you were to say no. Just imagine if you were actually open your mouth and say something to that person, what the drastic changes would be for you, right? So let's use an example, okay? So how completely hypothetical, let's call Your sister Jasmine. So this is gonna be a family example of what I'm talking about. Okay. So Jasmine has a family Jasmine has a family member who repeatedly shares information about her, right? And every time she says, Wow, I said that all wowed. Okay. Scratch that, y'all. Let's rewind. Okay, this is gonna be an example of like how to do things with a family, with your family, right? So let's say for instance You have a family member who repeatedly shares information about you. And then you say every single time, don't tell anybody my information. I say, Don't say do that every time. And she's like, Yeah, sure, cool. Or he's Yeah, sure, cool. And then every time you get to the February reunion, somehow your auntie, grandma, cousin Ray Ray, and them three people that she said she would be hasn't spoken to since 2016, 18 knows the story of your life. Like, and then You confront the family member, they apologize to you, right? You end up forgiving them. And then you end up turning around and telling them another deeply personal conversation. And guess what happens? The cycle repeats. Your cousin, your uncle, your grandma, they all know what's happening again. So eventually you get to sit back and be like, okay, I do love this person. I forgive this person. But this is no longer somebody I share private information with. Boom, boundary. Looky there. And that is where people struggle sometimes, though, right? A family member might say, why you don't trust me anymore? And you want to be like, well, no, that's not the case. It's just this, this, this, and this. If I had a buzzer, I would do it. Actually, yeah, you're correct. I don't trust you. At least not with those personal deep things that I've been sharing with you. And it is uncomfortable to have to establish that, right? But trust isn't something another person can just demand off the bat. Trust is built through experience. If the experience repeatedly tells me when I give you private information, it does not stay private, then changing what I share isn't necessarily the punishment. It may simply be responding to the information I've received. Now, could that trust eventually be rebuilt? Absol fucking Lutley. But that brings us to another important conversation that we'll kind of get to because I just hope that this example sticks with you on like Reconciliation, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Like you can forgive her because it's like for your own thing. Like you don't want to harbor in that and be pissed off every time you see that family member. You just want to be able to move and navigate in a respectful and loving manner. However, the reconciliation of that deep relationship may just not be there anymore. Or, like I said, it could simply just be rebuilt. However, it needs to be rebuilt. They're not obligated to actually have your trust off the back just because that's your sister, cousin, brother, aunt, cousin, red, red, all of them. It's just because they in the butt line does not mean anything. And I feel like I I feel like this is such an important piece because I know all the time people are just like, you have to respect people to get respect. Okay, well then who's gonna respect who first, baby? Why am I always having to be the one to respect you first? I think I said this in a previous podcast, but like I remember going into a conversation with my therapist about like trust and things like that. And she asked me, How did I view it? And I'm just like, no, yeah. So you have to gain that. It's not just right off the bat. And she's like, well then how would you learn to try? We'll start small and then you build it. We're built we're we're not built, but we're taught in this society that you need to right off the bat give somebody respect or trust somebody until it's broken. Why would I do that to myself? Do you know how much turmoil and exhaustion that causes people? Hell no. You gonna have to earn this from me first. So I have a reason to trust you, not for me to just give it to you. And that's why you also see those people that just like, I'd rather just be by myself than be around other people because I give myself to everybody so much and I get fucked over. Yeah, stop doing that. Show them a reason why they should have show give them a What, Tori? Make them give you a reason why you should trust them. Make them give you a reason why you should respect them, why they deserve to be in your space. Have them show you that. And it's not jumping through hoops and hurdles and diving this obstacle course and doing that obstacle course, but just the simple things. I could just be like, hey, don't tell nobody, but today's been a difficult day. My dog died. If you can hold that little secret. Just imagine how much trust you just built with somebody or with me to where I can be like, hey, so I am having a difficult time in my life, X, Y, and Z. It shows me that I can trust you with sacred things. Even though that was the most minimalist thing, maybe. Maybe, because my dogs are my my kids too. But like, even though that seems so small, just being able to have somebody hold that and show you that they're there and can just be your little secret box will give them so much access to more. Okay. Now, jumping into that other low point conversation I was talking about. So an apology and repairment are different. We're kind of still talking about that. I think we sometimes treat an apology like it's a reset button, like I was saying. So is I say I'm sorry, but what else do you want me to do? Well, there is something else. Repair it. A meaningful apology isn't, I'm sorry, I made you feel like that. It's cause Baby, don't get me started. I feel like that is just so dismissive of the fact that what you just actually did to me doesn't fully matter because at the end of the day, it seems like or I have created this relationship with you where you feel like I'ma just up and forgive you that quick, basically. So let me define this. Repairment will involve or could involve acknowledgement of what happened, actually taking responsibility for your part and or and them taking responsibility for their portion, listening to the impact that it calls emotionally, physically, any of those, making amends where appropriate, changing the actual behavior, and then being consistent enough for the other person to experience something different. Because if I just sit here and say, I'm sorry, I keep breaking your trust, and they continue to break your trust, eventually the apologies mean nothing. Behavior matters, and there's something that's and there here's something that's difficult. The person who has hurt may need more time than the person who apologized, apologized wants them to need, right? You might apologize Monday and they're not obligated to trust you on Tuesday. Again, you have to go back and you have to actually repair and build and show them that they can trust you. And I feel like it just drives me crazy when somebody's like, Well, I apologize. I apologized. Okay, and motherfucker, you still ain't acting right. You're still showing me these other ways that you do things. Like, just because you apologize does not bring mean that you're off the leash. Like, there's that faint well, I don't know if it's the same, but I say it all the time. I'm just like, Stop apologizing. I tell this to my clients all the time, like Stop apologizing because if you're apologizing for simple things like just talking too much, first of all, talking too much in your therapy session and apologizing is crazy to me. This is your time. However, I always say, Why are you apologizing? Because when you actually genuinely mean an apology, they're not going to believe it. Because you apologize so much and for so many things, it's just like, yeah, okay, whatever. You're just gonna say I'm sorry anyways. You're just gonna keep on doing it because that's all you do is apologize, apologize, but nothing changes. Hopefully that make that connection makes sense. Okay, so I wanna bring in some actual therapy here. Okay. So I know we talked a little bit about DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, which includes a set of skills called interpersonal effectiveness, right? So basically, how do we navigate relationships while balance balancing what we want, the relationship itself, and our own self-respect? That is what consists that is what is consistent within this specific skill set. Because sometimes those things are Compete. Sometimes those things compete. Sorry. And maybe you want to keep peace, but the peace requires me to abandon what I need. Maybe I want this relationship, but I'm accepting behavior that is consistently harming me because I'm afraid of actually losing it. Maybe I'm focusing on providing my proving my point that I'm damaging a relationship I actually value. You know, those people that like can never be wrong. Those that's what I'm talking about. Like you can never just admit that. You fucked up or screwed up. Interpersonal effectiveness tells us to slow down and consider this. What's my actual goal here? Do I need something from this person? Am I trying to preserve this relationship? Am I trying to preserve my self respect? And ideally, can I find a way to consider all three of these within this one scenario? So this is what I like to share in use, not even just like in therapy, but in your general life, right? Like this skill that is from DBT is called Deer Man, which breaks down to this describe, express, assert, reinforce. Then remain mindful, appear confident, and negotiate. So let me break this down to a more respectable level because even I don't get it sometimes. But let's say instead of you literally never respect me, we might can say when I share something privately and then I hear it repeated to other family members, it makes me feel hurt and it makes it difficult for me to trust that our conversations will remain private. So going forward, I'm going to be more selective about what I share with you. And I want you to notice what we didn't do. We didn't diagnose them. We didn't call them a narcissist. We didn't write a dissertation. We explained the behavior, the impact, and the boundary that we're going to be establishing. And that is the most easiest way to help you help show like. I am forgiving and I am understanding. However, your actions do not are not excused by anything. Because if we sat here and diagnosed them with, he's just a narcissist, or this is this and that. In reality, in this day and age, that's just giving somebody an excuse. I just act this way because I have ADHD, or I just act this way because I'm a narcissist. Like, no, that is not an excuse. That is not a valid reason for you to be acting that way. You might be diagnosed with them, yeah, cool shit. Fair. However, You are not excused from the behaviors and actions that you have put against somebody else. Okay. So here's where we need to actually check ourselves because not everything we call a boundary is actually a healthy boundary. Okay. Sometimes we're mad and we are calling the consequences, we're giving somebody a boundary. Right? So here's the difference between these two as well. So I need space because I don't feel ready to have this conversation productively. Ursus, I'm going to ignore you until you suffer enough to understand what you did. Those may look similar externally, right? Because at the first one we were just like the space can be seen as avoiding or ignoring you. Okay, cool. But the intention and functions are different. I want you to ask yourself if you were to do this, if you were to be in this scenario, basically. Am I doing this to protect my well being and clarifying what I'm willing to participate in? Or am I just doing this primarily to make the other person hurt because they hurt me? That's an uncomfortable question, right? But we're doing accountability on this podcast too today. Because boundaries shouldn't become a therapeutic words we use just to justify any behavior we want. Sometimes we're genuinely setting genuinely setting a boundary. Sometimes we're actually just avoiding. Sometimes we're retaliating. And sometimes we're trying to control somebody else's behavior. And sometimes we don't know which one it is until we actually slow down and really look at what's happening. So I kind of want you to think about that, explore the boundaries that you've maybe established or ones that you're thinking about establishing and just ponder on like, am I doing this out of spite? Am I doing this out of frustration? Or am I actually doing this for my own mental well being and my own sanity? Those are the differences between a punishment and boundary. Let's talk about this, okay? Somebody apologizes and you still don't trust them, then you start feeling guilty. Well, they apologize. They're trying. Maybe I'm being too hard on them. Maybe you are. And then my favorite. Maybe you're not. An apology can be an important first step, right? And rebuilding that trust usually involves experiencing experiences over time. So think about it this way. If somebody has shown you 10 times I disappear when you need me, having that one conversation with them, saying with them saying, I promise I'm going to be there for you now, doesn't erase those 10 experiences that you had prior to that. And although they may genuinely mean it in that moment, that's beautiful. That is so great. And I'm glad to hear that. Now comes the opportunity to actually demonstrate it over and over and over. Until your experience with that person starts actually changing. That is what we call rebuilding trust. Not why don't you trust me? I already apologized. Trust isn't a debt somebody owes you because they said they're sorry. Just not the freaking case. I remember in grad school, they said that it takes usually seven positives to get rid of one negative. So imagine you apologizing to me one time for your 10 negatives. You need to do 70 positive things, my friend. For me to actually trust you if we wanna go that route. And I pray that that math was correct because I am very slower in the basic math department at this point in life. Now let's look at the other side of this. Because I don't want this episode to become when somebody hurts you, keep them at arm's length for forever. No, I'm not saying that. Because I am a therapist and I do believe that people can change, can grow. Go to that therapy session, baby. They can actually recognize their patterns and become more emotionally mature and can take accountability. I do believe that people can become safer partners, friends, siblings, and parents. when they actually put the work in and actually genuinely want to do it. So what if somebody genuinely changes, right? That's where we have to check whether our boundaries still fit the current reality. Okay. Maybe somebody hurt you five years ago. They took accountability. They changed their behavior. They respected your boundaries. They consistently showed up differently. And you're still responding to them as if the original situation suddenly happened yesterday. That's actually worth exploring within yourself. Not because you owe them all access, okay? That's not the case. I'm not saying that. But because sometimes we can become attached to protecting ourselves from a version of someone who no longer exists. And that's where the healing gets complicated. Because could protection can be necessary, but sometimes a protective strategy outlives the danger. And that's something worth getting curious curious about as well. I love when people come to therapy and they're just like, Well, I've survived this long doing X, Y, and Z. Yes. God, don't ever think that. You're coming to therapy to get rid of those skills that you've been utilizing. I like to think of it more as maybe you're just not using them in a healthy manner anymore, right? Like you're not, you don't need to keep yourself safe from this person. Look at let's look back and reflect on all of this. Look how long they've taken to actually show you and take an accountability. You're not if nothing is happening happening but more damaging of this relationship, how reasonable for you. How reasonable is it for you to use this skill if it's not positive anymore? Because if it's damaging the relationship, it's honestly a negative coping skill at this point. So let's try to revert to using it when actually necessary. Like if somebody else that that causes danger and harm comes around, let's do it that way instead of just in consistently nonstop. Nobody wants to live in fight and flight for the rest of their lives. Which kind of comes from a trauma-informed perspective. So relationships can become complicated because the nervous system learns from the experience, right? If you repeatedly experience betrayal, abandonment, unpredictability, criticism, or unsafe relationships, your system may become very sensitive to cues that resemble those experiences. Sometimes that's per protective again. Sometimes it makes it can make closeness difficult. so you might think. If I let you close enough, you can hurt me. So instead of boundaries, you're building walls. And the walls are working, okay? Nobody's getting in. I'm talking about the Great Wall of China type of walls, but you're also not getting any connection either. And I think that's where we have to have distinguishment, right? Is this a boundary or is this a wall as well? A boundary says you can have a relationship with me, and there are some conditions under which I can't participate. safely and authentically with you. As in a wall would be like, nobody's getting in. I'm not letting nobody in ever again because I don't ever want to get hurt again. Screw that. Screw people. I'll let you close but not close enough. We're kind of playing that guy with the dollar bill on the fishnet. you gotta be quicker than that when it comes to the walls. So I do wanna just re reiterate like sometimes distance is absolutely appropriate, but if every relationship eventually gets the wall, we may want to explore what's happening more internally with ourselves. Now let's also talk about some attachment because that's where it can show up. Someone who is especially sensitive to abandonment might maintain relationships far beyond the point where they are actually healthy because losing the relationship feels unbearable for them. So forgiveness becomes it's okay when it's actually not okay. Someone might protect themselves through emotional distress. So the moment somebody disappoints them, done, block deleted. My favorite used to be swipe, block, delete. I used to do that myself. I don't need nobody anyways. I don't need that person to exhibit a see what I'm talking about? It's the same thing over and over again. Different strategy, same goal. Protect yourself from relational pain. This is why I don't love blanket advice. Like if they wanted to, they would. Cut them off. They give they never never give second chances. I mean, now I do. Don't get me wrong. I used to be the same way. Like, screw that. One and done, baby. We're out of here. Or even like, I genuinely dislike like family is family. You have to forgive them. Real relationships are more nuanced. Context matters, patterns matter, safety matters, accountability matters, and your own patterns within these relationships matter just as well. Okay, now let's get everybody uncomfortable. We're gonna be talking about what you may have done. Because sometimes you're the person who hurts somebody, right? Maybe you lied. Maybe you broke that trust. You weren't emotionally available at that time. You shared something you shouldn't have actually shared about your friend or significant other. You weren't present. You said something cruel. You crossed a boundary. Whatever it was. I need you to recognize it, apologize, take accountability, change. Not even sorry, I'm not saying I need you to. I meant to say maybe you did though recognize it. Apologize, take accountability and change your behaviors, right? And they still don't want that relationship back. It's hard. Because you may genuinely be different now. But here's the difficult part in all of this. Your growth doesn't create an obligation for someone else to give you access to them again. Okay. I want you to sit with that. You can do everything you're absolutely supposed to do. Apologize, change, go to therapy, take accountability, make amends. And that person can still sit back and say, I forgive you, and I don't want to rebuild this relationship. And that part of accountability, and sorry, not that part, but and a part of c accountability is having to respect that too. Because if my apology becomes I apologize. So now you need to forgive me and let me back in. That's not really accountability at all. Now I'm trying to control the outcome. And sometimes making amends means accepting that you don't get to get what you want in the end. And I'm saying this part because Let's say you are emotionally mature and you are that person that makes sure that you respect everybody and things like that and you have lost that person that you accidentally not even intentionally hurt. And I think those ones are the ones that suck the most because it's like, I really didn't mean it. I did not mean to do that. I it was genuinely a mistake or a misunderstanding, miscommunication, whatever it is. And that person's like, Yeah, I it's I still don't want this though. Those are the toughest ones I'm talking about. And you still have to respect it because if the tables were turned, how would have you reacted? And I know some of you might be like, well, girl, I would have forgave him. What? Like we would have been friends. We would have been cool. Okay, cool. Yeah. Then that part isn't for you. But you have to also know that person, know their background, understand them, take that all into consideration as well. Before. having this assumption of like, Well, I apologize, so they need to be taking me back type of thing. Which jumps to this part because this is very important. sometimes people think, how can I forgive somebody if I never talk to them for again again? Forgiveness doesn't necessarily require a conversation. You don't need to have closure on every single thing. Sometimes you're not even obligated to closure. Depending on what happened, contact may be unwanted, inappropriate, or even unsafe. Okay. You can process anger, grief, and you can work toward acceptance and you can stop allowing what happened to dominate your emotional life. And never sit across from that person again. And it's also important to know like nobody gets to prescribe forgiveness on somebody else's timeline, right? Like you don't need nobody needs to come in and be like, no, you need to forgive me. It's been three weeks, or you need to let it go. It's been a year. Maybe that's meaningful within your personal and spiritual beliefs. Cool, yeah. But therapeutically, I'm much more interested in what does healing look like for this individual? How damaging was that situation? to where you couldn't you can't ever forgive, right? Or Can you even I would even ask like in psychoeducate, like the forgiveness is just for you, it does not mean that they have this access to you, which is what this whole almost said session again podcast is supposed to be about, right? Because forcing somebody to declare forgiveness before they've even processed what happened can become another way of silencing their emotional experience and kind of controlling them because you're not giving them the autonomy. to actually make these decisions themselves, especially if that's somebody is a people pleaser and is somebody who wants to just accommodate for other people all the time. You're really just writing a script for them and they're abiding by it. And then there's probably one difficult part, which usually comes a lot when you're establishing boundaries and or learning to forgive, basically. Grief. Grief can come along. Grief not even can. It does. In some aspect or manner, it will come along. Because you can love somebody and still realize they cannot have that role in my life that I wanted them to actually have. And that can be a parent, a sibling, a friend, a partner. You might not only be grieving what is happening, but you will also be grieving the relationship that you hoped that you guys had. I always have to go through this with clients of like we have to be able we have to become prepared to grieve the relationship that you wanted that you thought you had with your mom, your sister, your brother, your friend your friend that you thought would last forever, that marriage that you thought would last forever. Because the apology that you got, you were hoping would fix everything. That's where grief comes in at. And sometimes setting a boundary doesn't immediately feel empowering. Sometimes it feels devastating. And you know something that is necessary. And you know that it is something that's necessary, right? And still be broke heartbroken about it. That all dials down to that dialectical thing. Two things can be true at once. Which is also why it becomes so difficult to try to establish these boundaries or even be so firm on. saying yes, I forgive you, and you don't get to have the access from of me no more. Because nobody wants to grieve. Grieving sucks. It hurts. It's draining. It's exhausting. We don't we already feel negative things all the time. Why would we want to engage in that? Like what? You want to voluntarily just grieve? Nobody wants to just up and just say, Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. I mean, if you are bravos and kudos to you because even me as a therapist, that's scary to even hear. So as I wrap up this podcast or episode, I want you to think about what access somebody should have to you after a hurt has occurred. And here's some questions I want you to ask yourself along the way. Was this a single event or an ongoing pattern? Have they taken responsibility without constantly making excuses? Do their actions match the apology that they've given me? Do they respect the boundaries that I have communicated? Do I feel like I can be myself within this relationship? Am I maintaining distance because I need it or because I'm afraid of vulnerability? Am I re reconciliating because I genuinely want the relationship or because I actually just feel guilty? Would rebuilding trust actually what sorry, what would rebuilding trust actually acquire of that person? And for me as well. And then here's the last the last one. Am I expecting this person to become someone they've repeatedly shown me that they actually aren't? Again, actually speak louder than words. Somebody can apologize, apologize, apologize. Nothing matters until you actually show me. Because acceptance isn't I approve this. Sometimes acceptance is I am acknowledging reality instead of continually fighting reality. Like I'm not gonna c sit here and keep on going against the grain, basically. So just think about that. Don't immediately text anybody. We're just reflecting first, okay? And so with that being said, can you forgive somebody and still decide they don't have the same access to you? Yes. Can you forgive someone and eventually rebuild that relationship? Yes. Can you love somebody and still need distance? Absolutely. Can somebody genuinely change and you still decide that you don't want them in your life? Absolutely. Can you genuinely change and the person you hurt still decide they don't want you back? Absolutely, guys. And that's what makes relationships hard. There isn't always a villain. Sometimes there's two people and two different experiences trying to figure out what happens next. So maybe forgiveness isn't everything goes back to normal. Maybe forgiveness is part of processing what actually happened. Reconciliating reconcili reconciliation is deciding whether we want to build that back with somebody or not. Trust is built through what happens next. And access. Well, access should be reflecting the relationship that actually actually existed, not just the relationship you wished wish existed. Whew, okay. I know I said a mouthful with a stuffy, congested nose. So I thank you for surviving this with me. And again, don't quote me, just throwing it out there. But if you do, thank you. apparently I'm becoming very quotable on a podcast that actually is is titled Don't Quote Me. So until then, I'll see you guys next week.