Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 180: How to Feel Your Feelings: A Cheat Code for Life, with Kellyn Legath

Transcript

180: How to Feel Your Feelings: A Cheat Code for Life, with Kellyn Legath · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  MaryAnn Walker: well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  MaryAnn Walker: I am so excited to have Kellyn Legath back on the show.
• 0:25
  MaryAnn Walker: It has been a hot minute since you've been on Kellyn.
• 0:28
  MaryAnn Walker: It has, and I'm so excited to be back.
• 0:30
  MaryAnn Walker: I feel like our
• 0:30
  Kellyn Legath: conversations, we we're always like, let's keep going.
• 0:33
  Kellyn Legath: And there's always so much to talk about.
• 0:35
  Kellyn Legath: Perfect.
• 0:36
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, I just love it.
• 0:37
  MaryAnn Walker: So for those of you that haven't met Kellyn yet, I absolutely adore her.
• 0:41
  MaryAnn Walker: I believe that everybody, including coaches, need coaches and Kellyn has become mine.
• 0:47
  MaryAnn Walker: And so I just love, like, I think a lot of people are going to relate to the idea that I think for many people, pleasers, myself included, I have an easier time sitting with other people's emotions than I do my own emotions.
• 0:58
  MaryAnn Walker: And so something I deeply appreciated about Kellyn is she really helps me to bring it back to self, to remind myself how to feel and process emotions because I'm human too.
• 1:09
  MaryAnn Walker: And I've noticed for myself when I am feeling tired, when I'm feeling extra big emotions, sometimes I just need a little bit more support.
• 1:17
  MaryAnn Walker: And so when this particular, thread popped up on Instagram that people were getting excited about and Kellyn was like, oh my gosh, yes.
• 1:25
  MaryAnn Walker: So true.
• 1:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Then I was like, okay, good.
• 1:27
  MaryAnn Walker: We need to bring Kellyn on to actually talk about this.
• 1:29
  MaryAnn Walker: 'cause it's a very big deal.
• 1:31
  MaryAnn Walker: So, yeah.
• 1:32
  MaryAnn Walker: So thank you so much for being here, Kellyn, and I'm excited to jump in.
• 1:36
  Kellyn Legath: Oh, me too.
• 1:37
  Kellyn Legath: I, this is gonna be a juicy topic.
• 1:38
  Kellyn Legath: I feel like there's a lot,
• 1:39
  MaryAnn Walker: there's a lot here.
• 1:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 1:41
  MaryAnn Walker: So first I'm going to read you the Instagram posts that we're going to be referencing.
• 1:44
  MaryAnn Walker: Several of you commented on this, and then,, we're gonna kind of just dive into it.
• 1:48
  MaryAnn Walker: So the Instagram post says a lot of people are practicing emotional avoidance and calling it a positive mindset.
• 1:56
  MaryAnn Walker: But positivity that bypasses pain isn't healing, it's suppression.
• 2:00
  MaryAnn Walker: And suppressed emotions don't disappear.
• 2:03
  MaryAnn Walker: They fester, they resurface.
• 2:05
  MaryAnn Walker: They sabotage relationships.
• 2:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Self-worth and nervous system safety.
• 2:10
  MaryAnn Walker: You don't have to"good vibes only" your way through grief, disappointment, or anger, you are allowed to feel deeply and hold onto hope.
• 2:18
  MaryAnn Walker: You are allowed to name what is hard without labeling yourself as negative.
• 2:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Healing invites all of you to the table, even the most messy, uncomfortable parts.
• 2:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Real positivity isn't about ignoring the pain, it's about being honest with it and still choosing to move forward.
• 2:33
  MaryAnn Walker: So kind of using that as our premise today, we're going to really kind of break this down into three different components.
• 2:38
  MaryAnn Walker: So first, we're gonna talk about the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing, how to sit with emotions, and then how to change your relationship with the emotions that you are avoiding.
• 2:48
  MaryAnn Walker: So, Kellyn, let's just jump right in.
• 2:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 2:51
  MaryAnn Walker: So what, for you, how would you define the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing through that lens of toxic positivity?
• 2:58
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 2:59
  Kellyn Legath: Uh, positive thinking is really to me, thinking intentionally.
• 3:03
  Kellyn Legath: And, and what I mean by that is really tuning into yourself and saying, okay.
• 3:08
  Kellyn Legath: What's true here?
• 3:10
  Kellyn Legath: I, I think people, I, I always use the phrase rainbows and butterflies, and that came from, um, our own coach training, but I think it really resonates so much where like, people wanna go to the land of rainbows and butterflies of positive.
• 3:24
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Kellyn Legath: It's all good and good vibes.
• 3:26
  Kellyn Legath: Only the perfect example in your intro, right?
• 3:28
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 3:29
  Kellyn Legath: Um, or don't worry about it, you know, and it's, it's like.
• 3:33
  Kellyn Legath: Sure.
• 3:33
  Kellyn Legath: But you're, you're jumping so far from what's really true and, and I think that's a really important aspect of what you said in your intro as well.
• 3:40
  Kellyn Legath: It's like, it's about truth.
• 3:43
  Kellyn Legath: It's a, it's really about like, does this feel good to me?
• 3:46
  Kellyn Legath: And that's more positive.
• 3:48
  Kellyn Legath: Even 1% is more positive than like everything is terrible, right?
• 3:52
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 3:52
  Kellyn Legath: You're not gonna go from everything is absolutely ter, absolutely terrible to.
• 3:56
  Kellyn Legath: No big deal.
• 3:57
  Kellyn Legath: Everything's, it's all good.
• 3:58
  Kellyn Legath: It's all gonna work out, right?
• 4:00
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 4:01
  Kellyn Legath: And that brings me to like the emotional bypass, right?
• 4:03
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 4:04
  Kellyn Legath: Um, anytime there is an emotional bypass, it's sort of a stuffing or a pushing down of the real truth of the emotion of, of what you're feeling.
• 4:13
  Kellyn Legath: Um, a lot of times it's like, oh, it doesn't really matter, or I shouldn't, shoulds shouldn't Yourself is a big one.
• 4:20
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 4:20
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 4:21
  Kellyn Legath: I shouldn't care.
• 4:22
  Kellyn Legath: I should be over this.
• 4:24
  Kellyn Legath: Um, I shouldn't be talking about this so much.
• 4:27
  Kellyn Legath: I don't know why this is bothering me.
• 4:28
  Kellyn Legath: Let's just move on.
• 4:30
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 4:30
  Kellyn Legath: It's sort of this suppression of what's honest and true for what you're e experiencing.
• 4:36
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 4:37
  Kellyn Legath: Um, so to me that's, that's.
• 4:39
  Kellyn Legath: What it comes down to, boils down to.
• 4:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 4:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 4:42
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that.
• 4:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 4:43
  MaryAnn Walker: For me, I kind of think of positive thinking as the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
• 4:48
  MaryAnn Walker: I think.
• 4:49
  MaryAnn Walker: I think that when people are negative people, then they're the ones that are only focusing on the negative and they have a hard time seeing a.
• 4:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay, what's the good that's coming out of this?
• 4:59
  MaryAnn Walker: And also the toxic positivity is refusing to see the hard, right?
• 5:02
  MaryAnn Walker: So it's kind of like, okay, well what's the truth?
• 5:04
  MaryAnn Walker: The whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
• 5:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Because all of life is both of those things, right?
• 5:08
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 5:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So it's saying, yes, this is hard and right.
• 5:12
  MaryAnn Walker: It's the this and these two things can both be true at the same time.
• 5:16
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't have to.
• 5:17
  MaryAnn Walker: It, it's not mutually exclusive.
• 5:19
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 5:20
  MaryAnn Walker: It doesn't mean that because things are hard, I can't be happy and it doesn't mean, you know, and the reverse is also not true.
• 5:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 5:26
  MaryAnn Walker: And then like that emotional bypassing is, yeah, like I said, like it's, it's kind of that suppression like, okay, well I don't wanna feel that.
• 5:33
  MaryAnn Walker: I love how you brought up the shoulds, right?
• 5:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, oh, well I should be over it by now.
• 5:37
  MaryAnn Walker: I shouldn't be feeling this.
• 5:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, they should be feeling this way instead.
• 5:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Right?
• 5:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Like when you notice those shoulds, I think that's like the number one thing that lets me know that, okay, maybe I'm trying to like emotionally bypass this.
• 5:49
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm not actually sitting with my emotions.
• 5:52
  Kellyn Legath: Totally.
• 5:53
  Kellyn Legath: And I think I wanna just highlight something you said.
• 5:56
  Kellyn Legath: 'cause I think it's really important of the, it it really.
• 5:59
  Kellyn Legath: Does sort of boil down to black and white thinking.
• 6:02
  Kellyn Legath: Hmm.
• 6:02
  Like
• 6:03
  Kellyn Legath: negativity is like, this is really terrible.
• 6:05
  Kellyn Legath: Everything's bad, nothing's working.
• 6:08
  Kellyn Legath: And then positivity is like, everything's great.
• 6:11
  Kellyn Legath: No worries.
• 6:12
  Kellyn Legath: Rainbows and butterflies, right?
• 6:14
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 6:14
  Kellyn Legath: Like thunderstorms and tornadoes and rainbows and butterflies, and it's like we're trying what?
• 6:20
  Kellyn Legath: What the truth of the matter is of like true emotional processing is being able to sit in that gray area.
• 6:26
  Kellyn Legath: Being able to sit with the discomfort.
• 6:29
  Kellyn Legath: And I think that's an important, a really, really important aspect because so often people are like, Nope, it has to be good or it has to be bad.
• 6:36
  Kellyn Legath: Or like, there is so much discomfort in that gray area because we're not taught to sit there.
• 6:41
  Kellyn Legath: Right?
• 6:42
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 6:42
  Kellyn Legath: I, I feel like every time I come onto your podcast, I always go into my rant about like, this is a societal thing.
• 6:48
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 6:48
  Kellyn Legath: Like anybody that's listening, if they're like, oh, that's me, or, that feels really bad, and you start to notice some shame, like, I just wanna.
• 6:55
  Kellyn Legath: You know, plant the seed that, think about the way our society is.
• 7:00
  Kellyn Legath: We're not taught to process our emotions.
• 7:02
  Kellyn Legath: Men are told they'll, they're too emotional.
• 7:04
  Kellyn Legath: Women are told they're too emotional, and if, mm-hmm.
• 7:07
  Kellyn Legath: See life through that lens automatically you, what you're learning is emotions are bad, right?
• 7:13
  Kellyn Legath: Emotional expression is bad, or feeling a big emotion is bad.
• 7:17
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 7:18
  Kellyn Legaath: So
• 7:18
  Kellyn Legath: we're, we're back to
• 7:19
  MaryAnn Walker: black and white, bad and good.
• 7:21
  MaryAnn Walker: Absolutely.
• 7:21
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, and then the two emotional, right?
• 7:23
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 7:24
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like, okay.
• 7:25
  MaryAnn Walker: Too emotional for who?
• 7:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Yes, exactly.
• 7:28
  MaryAnn Walker: Like most of the time when it's like, oh, well, they're too emotional.
• 7:31
  MaryAnn Walker: It's because we are having a hard time emotionally processing the fact that somebody's having a feeling.
• 7:35
  MaryAnn Walker: It's creating a feeling for us, so we're experiencing that resistance.
• 7:39
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like, well, if I can just judge it and make them wrong mm-hmm.
• 7:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Then I won't have to process my feelings, which is bypassing, right?
• 7:46
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like, no, I'm right.
• 7:47
  MaryAnn Walker: It's bypassing everybody around me.
• 7:49
  Kellyn Legath: Totally.
• 7:49
  Kellyn Legath: And we're back again to black and white, right?
• 7:51
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 7:52
  Kellyn Legath: Right or wrong.
• 7:53
  Kellyn Legath: Me or me or them, like who's, who's to blame me or you.
• 7:56
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 7:56
  Kellyn Legath: It's, yeah.
• 7:57
  Kellyn Legath: It's choose one or the other and it's just, it's not that.
• 8:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 8:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 8:02
  MaryAnn Walker: So one of the questions that I got on social media was basically like, but how do you sit with emotions?
• 8:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Because I don't want to sit with the negativity emotions.
• 8:11
  MaryAnn Walker: Why would you want to sit with the negative emotions?
• 8:14
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 8:14
  MaryAnn Walker: What are your thoughts on that?
• 8:16
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, so many thoughts.
• 8:17
  Kellyn Legath: Um, okay.
• 8:17
  Kellyn Legath: The first thing is, you know, this is a sort of, um.
• 8:23
  Kellyn Legath: What, what's the word I'm looking for?
• 8:25
  Kellyn Legath: Just like a blanket statement, you know, to simplify it to really dumb it down.
• 8:30
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 8:30
  Kellyn Legath: But if you're intellectualizing and over and talking about an emotion, you're not processing it.
• 8:36
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 8:37
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 8:38
  Kellyn Legath: I always say like, over overthinking is under feeling.
• 8:41
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 8:42
  Kellyn Legath: So much of what we do is up here.
• 8:46
  Kellyn Legath: Think especially in therapy in our minds.
• 8:49
  Kellyn Legath: Processing is a body experience.
• 8:52
  Kellyn Legath: So mind is intellectualizing thinking, oh, I'm really angry.
• 8:56
  Kellyn Legath: Processing is in the body.
• 8:58
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 8:58
  Kellyn Legath: Feeling into where is anger showing up?
• 9:01
  Kellyn Legath: Where do I feel my heart pounding and my fists are clenched and my jaw is tight.
• 9:07
  Kellyn Legath: That's the processing.
• 9:08
  Kellyn Legath: It's being able to map it within your.
• 9:11
  Kellyn Legath: Your body.
• 9:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:13
  Kellyn Legath: Um, that's, that's the biggest thing.
• 9:16
  Kellyn Legath: Um, and then to answer the second part of like, why would you want to, you're like, that sounds terrible.
• 9:21
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 9:22
  Kellyn Legath: You're like, what do you mean?
• 9:23
  Kellyn Legath: Why would I sit with anger?
• 9:24
  Kellyn Legath: Or I'll use sadness.
• 9:26
  Kellyn Legath: 'cause I think that's one that, especially for me, has always been, um, a really.
• 9:32
  Kellyn Legath: Hard emotion to open up to.
• 9:34
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 9:35
  Kellyn Legath: Because I'm like, oh, sadness feels so terrible.
• 9:38
  Kellyn Legath: It feels just, you know, a deep emotional feeling in my chest, in my gut.
• 9:43
  Kellyn Legath: You know, we can talk about chakras probably in, in all of that, but, um, save that for another podcast maybe.
• 9:49
  Kellyn Legath: Um, but you know, I think it goes back to what we're saying in the beginning of when you're repressing an emotion, it has nowhere to go.
• 9:58
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 9:59
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 10:00
  Kellyn Legath: It you're just pushing it down.
• 10:01
  Kellyn Legath: Pushing it down, and, and I can't say this enough.
• 10:05
  Kellyn Legath: I think this is an analogy I use with my clients.
• 10:07
  Kellyn Legath: I'm wondering if you use it too, um, about the beach, A beach ball.
• 10:12
  Kellyn Legath: Um, suppressing an emotion or bypassing emotion is like holding a beach fall underwater.
• 10:17
  Kellyn Legath: And I think this is such a perfect analogy because we all know that when we're like that feeling right, and it's like fun and it's playful, and you're like, sure, we don't have to worry about that, but it always pops back up.
• 10:27
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 10:28
  Kellyn Legath: And you know, emotions are energy.
• 10:30
  Kellyn Legath: They need somewhere to go, they need something to do, or else they end up sitting in your body and, you know, it can lead to illness and so many other things, right?
• 10:39
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  Kellyn Legath: It's for your own benefit.
• 10:42
  Kellyn Legath: Um, another analogy I often use is like, when you don't process your emotions, it's like carrying a backpack full of rocks.
• 10:51
  Kellyn Legath: Imagine you go through your whole day and you're like, oh, bad emotion.
• 10:53
  Kellyn Legath: I'm not gonna look at it.
• 10:54
  Kellyn Legath: And you put a rock in your backpack.
• 10:55
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 10:56
  Kellyn Legath: And then you keep walking again and you're like, oh, my boss said this really mean thing, and it upset me.
• 11:01
  Kellyn Legath: Oh, now I'm putting another rock in my backpack.
• 11:03
  Kellyn Legath: And you get to the end of your day and you're so weighed down
• 11:06
  Kellyn Legaath: by
• 11:07
  Kellyn Legath: all this emotion that you're not able to sit with and process.
• 11:10
  Kellyn Legath: And it's, it's exhausting.
• 11:11
  Kellyn Legath: That's where like emotional exhaustion comes in, right?
• 11:14
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 11:14
  Kellyn Legath: You're like, why am I always so tired?
• 11:16
  Kellyn Legath: I'm like, well, because.
• 11:18
  Kellyn Legath: You're not processing your emotions or you're not thinking intentionally.
• 11:21
  Kellyn Legath: Going back to the mind part of this.
• 11:24
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 11:24
  Kellyn Legath: Um, you're either bypassing it or getting more angry or, you know, whatever it is.
• 11:29
  Kellyn Legath: So,
• 11:30
  MaryAnn Walker: yeah.
• 11:30
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 11:31
  MaryAnn Walker: And then that's when we emotionally react and then it, that's when we label ourselves as being, oh, I'm too emotional.
• 11:36
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm too outta control.
• 11:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 11:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 11:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 11:38
  MaryAnn Walker: I love what you said about how overthinking is under feeling.
• 11:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, I wanna just talk about that one for just a second, because I think especially when you've been doing the work, when you know, like we're, we're both coaches, right?
• 11:51
  MaryAnn Walker: So like for me, I'm like, no, I should be able to logic my way out of this because I know that my thoughts are creating my feelings, so I just need to change my thoughts.
• 12:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 12:00
  MaryAnn Walker: And then I'll be working with Kel and she's like, Nope, remember, we're gonna feel our feelings first.
• 12:04
  MaryAnn Walker: And then when you also talked about how, yeah, like it's going to.
• 12:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Be trapped in the body.
• 12:08
  MaryAnn Walker: A book that I love is The Body Keeps the Score.
• 12:11
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm gonna definitely be leaving that one in the show notes, but it is really interesting to see how emotions manifest in the body, how they do impact our physical health and wellness.
• 12:20
  MaryAnn Walker: And so when we think that these things aren't impacting us, they really are.
• 12:25
  MaryAnn Walker: And it can be interesting to, even as I'm coaching with people to see.
• 12:29
  MaryAnn Walker: The correlation between, you know, I think a lot of people pleasers, they may have back pain because they're bending over backwards to help other people.
• 12:36
  MaryAnn Walker: They might have neck and shoulder pain because the weight of the world is on their shoulders.
• 12:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Like these are very common things.
• 12:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Sore throats.
• 12:43
  MaryAnn Walker: I was just gonna say sore throat.
• 12:45
  Kellyn Legath: I used to
• 12:45
  MaryAnn Walker: get a
• 12:45
  Kellyn Legath: sore throat all the time.
• 12:47
  Kellyn Legath: I really.
• 12:48
  Kellyn Legath: I hardly get them anymore.
• 12:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 12:50
  MaryAnn Walker: 'cause they're not speaking their truth.
• 12:51
  MaryAnn Walker: They're not stating a boundary, but that all of these things that we stuff down, they are impacting us.
• 12:56
  MaryAnn Walker: We think, well, if I can just pretend it doesn't bother me, but your body is gonna let you know that, Hey, guess what?
• 13:01
  MaryAnn Walker: You're still holding onto that.
• 13:03
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah,
• 13:03
  MaryAnn Walker: yeah, yeah.
• 13:04
  Kellyn Legath: It's so, so important to just Yeah.
• 13:07
  Kellyn Legath: You know, and, and it goes back to truth, right?
• 13:09
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 13:09
  Kellyn Legath: It goes back to what we're talking about at the top of the episode of, of what's true for you.
• 13:14
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 13:14
  Kellyn Legath: Just'cause you're experiencing doesn't mean it's bad and.
• 13:18
  Kellyn Legath: To your point too about like, you know, being in a session with me and wanting to solve it.
• 13:23
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 13:24
  Kellyn Legath: Actually it's like, of course, because there is a degree of, of perception or the, I always say the story that you wanna tell.
• 13:33
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 13:34
  Kellyn Legath: Um, and, and reframing what's going on in your experience.
• 13:39
  Kellyn Legath: But everybody jumps ahead to that trying to, to feel better instead.
• 13:45
  Kellyn Legath: Doing the emotional processing and it's like that's where the pain comes in, right?
• 13:50
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 13:50
  Kellyn Legath: It's like, oh, I have this thought.
• 13:51
  Kellyn Legath: Let me change the thought.
• 13:52
  Kellyn Legath: And it's like, wait, you're missing a step in the middle.
• 13:54
  Kellyn Legath: Yes, you're trying to hop across the bridge when there's a stepping stone in the middle that you're, you're, you know, missing.
• 14:01
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 14:01
  Kellyn Legath: And then you fall into the water.
• 14:03
  MaryAnn Walker: Yes, exactly.
• 14:04
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay, so along that line here, I thought it would be really fun for us to do a little bit of a role play.
• 14:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So knowing my audience here, I thought we'd do two different role plays.
• 14:12
  MaryAnn Walker: So Kellyn's in on this, it's gonna be great.
• 14:14
  MaryAnn Walker: So we're gonna do kind of just a model of what it might look like in coaching.
• 14:17
  MaryAnn Walker: We're just gonna make these five minutes or less for each one.
• 14:19
  MaryAnn Walker: But, uh, so.
• 14:21
  MaryAnn Walker: If we're gonna talk about how to navigate your own emotions and then also how to navigate it when you're upset that somebody else is having an emotion, right?
• 14:29
  MaryAnn Walker: So sometimes it's what's impacting us and sometimes it's the other people are having emotions, but it really comes back to.
• 14:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Us navigating our own discomfort and learning how to n navigate all of that.
• 14:39
  MaryAnn Walker: So first we're gonna start with, um, Kellyn.
• 14:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Kellyn is going to be my client today, and Kellyn is just fresh out of a relationship and well, you know, it's been a while, but she's just feeling some negative emotions still that she thinks she should be over.
• 14:53
  MaryAnn Walker: So we'll just jump on in.
• 14:54
  MaryAnn Walker: All right, so Kellyn, hey, thanks so much for coming to coaching today.
• 14:57
  MaryAnn Walker: What's going on?
• 14:59
  MaryAnn Walker: I
• 15:00
  Kellyn Legath: just, I wanna be over this relationship.
• 15:02
  Kellyn Legath: It's affecting me.
• 15:03
  Kellyn Legath: I, I'm anxious, I keep dwelling on it, and I feel so sad all the time.
• 15:08
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 15:09
  Kellyn Legath: Um, and it's been so long and I, I just, I don't wanna feel this way.
• 15:12
  Kellyn Legath: And I'm like, I know he's not right for me.
• 15:14
  Kellyn Legath: And I know the relationship wasn't healthy and I thought about the things that he did and didn't do.
• 15:20
  Kellyn Legath: And, you know, I understand that I made mistakes in the relationship too, but it's, it's still bothering me.
• 15:26
  Kellyn Legath: I don't, I wanna move on.
• 15:29
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, so that's really interesting'cause it sounds like you feel like it's been long enough, you're kind of shooting on yourself.
• 15:33
  MaryAnn Walker: So how long has it been, when did you guys break up?
• 15:36
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, it's been two months.
• 15:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Two months.
• 15:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 15:41
  MaryAnn Walker: And so you, after two months, you feel like, okay, and I should be a hundred percent over this and kind of back out there.
• 15:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 15:47
  MaryAnn Walker: So it sounds like there's kind of two things happening for you.
• 15:50
  MaryAnn Walker: You're kind of sitting on your, I mean, you're going, first of all, feeling uncomfortable about the relationship and still healing from that, which is human.
• 15:58
  MaryAnn Walker: But it's gonna be really hard to even get to the heart of those emotions and, and healing from the relationship.
• 16:03
  MaryAnn Walker: When on top of that you're adding shame thinking, well, I should be further along in my healing.
• 16:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So which one do you wanna sit with first?
• 16:11
  MaryAnn Walker: Do you wanna sit with the shame first?
• 16:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Or, or just the sadness around and the grief around the loss of the relationship.
• 16:17
  MaryAnn Walker: 'cause those are two separate things.
• 16:18
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, I'm, I think the sadness.
• 16:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 16:23
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 16:24
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's kind of sit with that.
• 16:25
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 16:26
  MaryAnn Walker: So how long were you dating this guy?
• 16:28
  Kellyn Legath: Um, we were together for about a year.
• 16:30
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 16:32
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 16:33
  MaryAnn Walker: And it makes sense that you'd be feeling sad at that loss, right?
• 16:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 16:38
  MaryAnn Walker: So where, how does that sadness feel for you?
• 16:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Let's just kind of sit with it for a minute.
• 16:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Where is it?
• 16:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Where is it in your body?
• 16:44
  Kellyn Legath: Um, it's in my chest and it's in my throat, and I can feel, as you're asking me these questions, I feel like I want to run, I wanna pull out of this conversation.
• 16:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, that makes sense, right?
• 16:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Because you've been resisting that sadness.
• 17:00
  MaryAnn Walker: You've been resisting the sadness and shaming it, so there's that part of you that's ashamed that you're feeling it.
• 17:05
  MaryAnn Walker: There's that part of you that wants to run away.
• 17:08
  MaryAnn Walker: We're just gonna acknowledge those parts and just say, okay, yep, I, it makes sense.
• 17:12
  MaryAnn Walker: You're trying to protect me from feeling the sadness, but it's safe to feel it now.
• 17:17
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 17:18
  MaryAnn Walker: And as we can sit with it, then we can really kind of process it and move on.
• 17:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 17:22
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's kind of just acknowledge that resistance and bring it back to the sadness.
• 17:26
  Kellyn Legaath: Okay.
• 17:27
  MaryAnn Walker: You said you were feeling it in your throat and in your chest.
• 17:30
  MaryAnn Walker: What does it feel like?
• 17:32
  MaryAnn Walker: My throat feels tight.
• 17:34
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 17:34
  Kellyn Legath: Um, and my chest.
• 17:37
  Kellyn Legath: My chest actually feels better since you sort of.
• 17:40
  Kellyn Legath: Brought me back.
• 17:41
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 17:41
  Kellyn Legath: Like, set the resistances there and, and brought it back.
• 17:44
  Kellyn Legath: It, but it does feel just, um, I feel a lot of, like a little bit of pressure in my chest.
• 17:53
  Kellyn Legath: Like it almost is like an elephant is sitting on it.
• 17:55
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 17:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 17:57
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's just kind of observe that for a little bit.
• 17:59
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 18:01
  MaryAnn Walker: We're just noticing that feeling of the elephant on your chest.
• 18:08
  MaryAnn Walker: And I want you to just kind of let it be for a minute rather than resisting it.
• 18:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Rather than shaming it.
• 18:14
  MaryAnn Walker: Just acknowledge it.
• 18:15
  MaryAnn Walker: That, yeah.
• 18:16
  MaryAnn Walker: I feel really sad and it feels like there's an elephant on my chest.
• 18:22
  Kellyn Legath: I, I recognize that this is a thought, but I, I'm thinking this doesn't feel good.
• 18:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 18:29
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 18:31
  MaryAnn Walker: And why does grief and sadness need to feel good?
• 18:34
  Kellyn Legaath: Hmm.
• 18:36
  MaryAnn Walker: Because recognizing that, okay, well, yeah, of course it doesn't feel good.
• 18:41
  MaryAnn Walker: It's o it's okay for it to not feel good.
• 18:43
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, sometimes we shame ourselves for having that grief and that sadness.
• 18:47
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 18:48
  MaryAnn Walker: But that's a part of life and it's okay.
• 18:51
  MaryAnn Walker: It, it's safe to have those emotions.
• 18:54
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 18:56
  MaryAnn Walker: It's okay to mourn the loss of a relationship.
• 19:00
  MaryAnn Walker: How does that elephant feel now?
• 19:04
  Kellyn Legath: The elephant feels better.
• 19:05
  Kellyn Legath: I really feel it in my throat.
• 19:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Hmm.
• 19:08
  MaryAnn Walker: Just
• 19:08
  Kellyn Legath: a tightness, like a bubble?
• 19:10
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:11
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:11
  MaryAnn Walker: Tell me more about that.
• 19:12
  MaryAnn Walker: What's happening in your throat?
• 19:14
  MaryAnn Walker: Um,
• 19:15
  Kellyn Legath: just feels like, um, like stuck energy is how I'm gonna describe it.
• 19:23
  Kellyn Legath: Obviously, I don't feel constricted.
• 19:24
  Kellyn Legath: I can talk and I can respond to you.
• 19:28
  Kellyn Legath: But it feels,
• 19:30
  MaryAnn Walker: it feels kind of hot.
• 19:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:33
  MaryAnn Walker: And that makes sense.
• 19:34
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:35
  MaryAnn Walker: A lot of people, when I talk with'em about their grief and their sadness, especially if they've been resisting it, it's almost like they, they just need to let it out.
• 19:42
  MaryAnn Walker: They just, it's almost like a lump in their throat, like they wanna cry.
• 19:45
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 19:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Have you been able to give yourself space to just feel that sadness and let that flow?
• 19:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 19:55
  Kellyn Legath: Not in this way.
• 19:56
  Kellyn Legath: No.
• 19:56
  Kellyn Legath: I've been thinking a lot about how I don't want it to be here.
• 20:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 20:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 20:02
  MaryAnn Walker: And I'm gonna go back 20 of your earlier thoughts that part of you feels like you should be done with it.
• 20:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 20:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Sometimes we even tell ourselves, oh, well I did cry, so now I should be done.
• 20:10
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 20:12
  MaryAnn Walker: But grief and sadness kind of comes in waves.
• 20:15
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 20:19
  Kellyn Legath: Even just talking about it now and tuning into it, I can feel it sort of feels a lot less.
• 20:24
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 20:25
  Kellyn Legath: It feels like it's like a, like a sandcastle, like pieces of it are kind of breaking off and going into the water and it's still there, but it feels less,
• 20:37
  MaryAnn Walker: yeah.
• 20:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Awesome.
• 20:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, thank you so much for sharing.
• 20:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 20:40
  MaryAnn Walker: So you can kind of see through that just little mini real play post that was highly condensed.
• 20:46
  MaryAnn Walker: But the, it's always interesting to see the different emotions that come up.
• 20:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Right?
• 20:50
  MaryAnn Walker: So there was the sadness and the grief.
• 20:52
  MaryAnn Walker: There's also the shame, there's also the resistance, and we can just acknowledge each of those.
• 20:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Sometimes when we're trying so hard to feel and process a specific emotion, we're just gonna bury it in other emotions, right?
• 21:03
  MaryAnn Walker: And we can eventually get to those other emotions.
• 21:05
  MaryAnn Walker: But when we can really get to the.
• 21:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Root of the emotions.
• 21:09
  MaryAnn Walker: It's really cool to see how those other ones, they just kind of loosen their grip.
• 21:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 21:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Basically, those other emotions are just there to protect us.
• 21:15
  MaryAnn Walker: The emotional, you don't wanna experience a negative emotion.
• 21:18
  MaryAnn Walker: Right?
• 21:19
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 21:19
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 21:19
  Kellyn Legath: And I think, sorry to cut you off, the emotional stacking, right.
• 21:23
  Kellyn Legath: The kind of, oh, I'm mad about being sad.
• 21:27
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 21:28
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 21:28
  Kellyn Legath: I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated about being.
• 21:31
  Kellyn Legath: About grieving the loss of this friendship.
• 21:34
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 21:34
  Kellyn Legath: I'm so angry, right?
• 21:35
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 21:36
  Kellyn Legath: And I think, um, that, that so happens, that happens.
• 21:40
  Kellyn Legath: I see that most often in, in session with people.
• 21:43
  Kellyn Legath: It's like we, yeah.
• 21:44
  Kellyn Legath: We have to peel them off one at a time, right?
• 21:46
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 21:47
  Kellyn Legath: To, to your point, you know, ideally, and, and there's no right or wrong.
• 21:52
  Kellyn Legath: I'll, I'll.
• 21:53
  Kellyn Legath: All emotions lead to Rome, right?
• 21:55
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 21:55
  Kellyn Legath: But, um, you know, ideally it's like, first we, we have to peel the first layer off of like, why are you shaming yourself for, for feeling sad, right?
• 22:04
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 22:04
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 22:04
  Kellyn Legath: And find out what's going on there.
• 22:06
  Kellyn Legath: Because once you can understand that, oh, I feel like I feel stupid, that I felt too hard, and, you know mm-hmm.
• 22:12
  Kellyn Legath: Peel that layer back, then you can kind of access the sadness, right?
• 22:16
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Kellyn Legath: But if there's a bunch of barnacles on it, it's like we can't get to it.
• 22:21
  Kellyn Legath: We can't get to the.
• 22:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 22:23
  Kellyn Legath: The root.
• 22:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 22:24
  MaryAnn Walker: So good.
• 22:25
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay, now we're gonna switch the roles a little bit.
• 22:27
  MaryAnn Walker: And Kellyn's now gonna coach me.
• 22:29
  MaryAnn Walker: I am a client.
• 22:30
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm having a really hard time with my siblings being in a fight.
• 22:34
  MaryAnn Walker: We'll just go ahead and jump right in.
• 22:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Great.
• 22:36
  Kellyn Legath: Hi.
• 22:37
  Kellyn Legath: It's
• 22:37
  MaryAnn Walker: so good to see you, Marianne.
• 22:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Hi.
• 22:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Tell me what's going on.
• 22:41
  MaryAnn Walker: What are we coaching on today?
• 22:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, my siblings are in a big fight and I just hate it.
• 22:47
  MaryAnn Walker: I, I just don't know why they can't just forgive each other and move on.
• 22:50
  MaryAnn Walker: They just needed change.
• 22:51
  MaryAnn Walker: They should not be treating each other this way.
• 22:54
  MaryAnn Walker: Why?
• 22:55
  MaryAnn Walker: Why do you want them to forgive each other and move on?
• 22:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, I mean, they should, right?
• 23:00
  MaryAnn Walker: They, you do for family.
• 23:01
  MaryAnn Walker: They should just forgive each other.
• 23:02
  MaryAnn Walker: This is family.
• 23:03
  MaryAnn Walker: They should be loving each other and they shouldn't be treating each other this way.
• 23:07
  MaryAnn Walker: I just can't stand it.
• 23:08
  Kellyn Legath: Hmm.
• 23:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Tell me why they should be doing that.
• 23:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, they're supposed to aren't they?
• 23:16
  MaryAnn Walker: Isn't family supposed to like each other and be nice?
• 23:20
  Kellyn Legath: What if part of being a family is, is being human and having human emotions and being angry and
• 23:30
  MaryAnn Walker: holding grudges?
• 23:31
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, first of all, they shouldn't be angry.
• 23:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, don't they even see how this is impacting me?
• 23:35
  MaryAnn Walker: It's impacting me.
• 23:36
  MaryAnn Walker: It's impacting the whole family.
• 23:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Like it's not even about them.
• 23:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Can't they see how much it's impacting everybody?
• 23:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 23:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Why is it impacting you?
• 23:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, it's really uncomfortable for me.
• 23:48
  MaryAnn Walker: I mean, I want my family to get along.
• 23:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 23:51
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, the holidays are coming up and I want us to be able to be together, and I don't wanna be worried about the conversations.
• 23:56
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't wanna be worried about if somebody's gonna show up or not, or who's gonna sit by who, or if there's gonna be a big fight.
• 24:04
  MaryAnn Walker: I, I just, I don't want that.
• 24:06
  MaryAnn Walker: I just want it to be peaceful.
• 24:08
  Kellyn Legath: Hmm.
• 24:09
  Kellyn Legath: What, what is most prevalent to you?
• 24:11
  Kellyn Legath: Is it the worry?
• 24:13
  Kellyn Legath: Is it the discomfort?
• 24:15
  Kellyn Legath: What are you feeling most?
• 24:18
  MaryAnn Walker: I think I'm just scared.
• 24:20
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm scared that my family's falling apart.
• 24:23
  Kellyn Legath: Mm.
• 24:23
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 24:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 24:26
  Kellyn Legath: Tell me about that fear.
• 24:28
  Kellyn Legath: What does, what does feeling scared feel like in your body?
• 24:33
  MaryAnn Walker: It feels really chaotic.
• 24:35
  MaryAnn Walker: I, I don't like it, like I wanna jump out of my skin.
• 24:38
  MaryAnn Walker: It, it just feels like everything's out of my control and, and that.
• 24:42
  MaryAnn Walker: It makes me scared.
• 24:43
  MaryAnn Walker: I, I, there's too many things I can't predict.
• 24:45
  MaryAnn Walker: Hmm.
• 24:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Just taking a
• 24:48
  Kellyn Legath: second and, and just take notice of your body and you can put your feet on the ground.
• 24:53
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 24:53
  Kellyn Legath: And ground down for a second and just tune in when you think my family is falling apart.
• 24:59
  Kellyn Legath: If, let me know if you notice any sensations in your body.
• 25:04
  Kellyn Legath: It could be from your head.
• 25:05
  Kellyn Legath: You could do a body scan from top to bottom.
• 25:07
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 25:07
  Kellyn Legath: You could start at your feet and work your way up, but do you notice anything?
• 25:11
  Kellyn Legath: You think that?
• 25:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 25:13
  MaryAnn Walker: I mean, underneath that, I, I think I feel a lot of sadness.
• 25:17
  MaryAnn Walker: Hmm.
• 25:17
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, once that, that fear kind of stopped, just scrambling my energy.
• 25:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, I, I just feel sad.
• 25:25
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like I'm having grief before anything's even really happened, it's just me assuming that it's all gonna fall apart.
• 25:32
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 25:33
  MaryAnn Walker: And
• 25:33
  Kellyn Legath: where do you, I see you holding your chest.
• 25:35
  Kellyn Legath: Where do you notice sadness?
• 25:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, it's sad in my heart.
• 25:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Like my heart is just heavy.
• 25:40
  Kellyn Legath: Hmm.
• 25:41
  Kellyn Legath: Feels heavy.
• 25:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, it feels heavy and dark and, and closed.
• 25:45
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 25:47
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 25:48
  Kellyn Legath: And, and what about, um, a, the speed of it?
• 25:53
  Kellyn Legath: Does sadness feel really fast?
• 25:54
  Kellyn Legath: Does it feel slow?
• 25:55
  Kellyn Legath: You mentioned chaotic.
• 25:56
  Kellyn Legath: The fear felt a little chaotic, but how does sadness feel?
• 25:59
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, the fear was all over the place, but the sadness is like a heavy stone.
• 26:03
  MaryAnn Walker: It's just, it's dark, it's cold, it's heavy.
• 26:08
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 26:08
  Kellyn Legath: And if we just allow knowing that your mind wants to solve this problem or thinks that this or agree argument in your family is a problem, right?
• 26:20
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 26:21
  Kellyn Legath: Knowing that your mind wants it to go away, knowing your mind wants it to feel better, what if we just allowed the sadness to be there just to witness it, not try to change it.
• 26:31
  Kellyn Legath: We're not trying to keep it around either, but just to witness it and just to sit with it and pull up a chair.
• 26:38
  Kellyn Legath: Let it eat it.
• 26:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 26:39
  MaryAnn Walker: I mean, honestly, when you say that, it does feel a little bit better because when I really think about it, if my family were falling apart, I would wanna be sad.
• 26:47
  MaryAnn Walker: I wouldn't wanna be happy.
• 26:49
  MaryAnn Walker: I wouldn't want any other emotion like it.
• 26:53
  MaryAnn Walker: It makes sense that I, like I, if I could choose an emotion around that, I would choose to just be sad.
• 27:00
  Kellyn Legaath: Right,
• 27:01
  Kellyn Legath: right.
• 27:02
  Kellyn Legath: Sometimes sadness is the correct emotional response.
• 27:07
  Kellyn Legath: You went exactly to what you said.
• 27:09
  Kellyn Legath: You don't wanna be happy, right?
• 27:11
  Kellyn Legath: The goal is never to be just.
• 27:15
  Kellyn Legath: Positive, thinking positively about your family when things are not, that's not the reality of it.
• 27:20
  Kellyn Legath: Right?
• 27:20
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 27:21
  MaryAnn Walker: And it's strange that even just acknowledging that, like in that situation, that hasn't even happened yet, right?
• 27:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Like I'm just, this is just in my imagination, but just acknowledging that okay, if that happened, I, it would be a choice for me to be sad about it.
• 27:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, it's funny that, that makes me feel lighter.
• 27:39
  MaryAnn Walker: It makes just giving myself permission to be sad about them having a hard time.
• 27:45
  MaryAnn Walker: Is that weird that it makes me feel a little bit better?
• 27:48
  Kellyn Legath: Not at all.
• 27:49
  Kellyn Legath: Of course, giving yourself permission is taking the power from the external and knowing that you are in control of your emotions.
• 27:58
  Kellyn Legath: That you're allowing them to be there, that it's okay that they're there.
• 28:03
  Kellyn Legath: It's full permission of your emotional experience.
• 28:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, it's also interesting.
• 28:09
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm also noticing that just accepting the sadness, that it actually helps me to love them better, because now I'm not angry with them as much.
• 28:17
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't have as much anger and resentment towards them.
• 28:22
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 28:23
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 28:23
  Kellyn Legath: And then that's interesting with that anger.
• 28:24
  Kellyn Legath: Anger, there's, there's less of a forcefulness in trying to fix or solve for their, their argument.
• 28:36
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 28:36
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 28:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 28:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Awesome.
• 28:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 28:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, so as you guys will notice, neither of us really tried to fix the emotion for the other person.
• 28:45
  MaryAnn Walker: Like we were just a witness.
• 28:47
  MaryAnn Walker: We encourage curiosity and the emotions naturally shift, and that's what's so fascinating is we create so much more what we resist persists.
• 28:56
  MaryAnn Walker: And so when we're resisting the negativity emotion, we actually compounding it.
• 28:59
  MaryAnn Walker: As we talked about those compounding emotions.
• 29:01
  MaryAnn Walker: We're adding an.
• 29:02
  MaryAnn Walker: On top of it, we're adding mostly a lot of shame is the most common one that I see in my practice is the shame that things should be different or I should be better.
• 29:10
  MaryAnn Walker: I shouldn't be feeling this feeling and then judgment,
• 29:12
  Kellyn Legath: right?
• 29:12
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 29:12
  Kellyn Legath: Judgment is the other one, like really judging themselves around,
• 29:17
  MaryAnn Walker: yeah, you get over this or.
• 29:19
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm being too dramatic, right?
• 29:20
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:22
  MaryAnn Walker: And all we did was just get curious about it.
• 29:23
  MaryAnn Walker: I think that curiosity is so healing of just, oh, okay, well is there a different emotion I would choose to feel in the situation?
• 29:32
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, where it's like, no, that's, that's actually a pretty good emotion to feel in in those circumstances, that I'm okay with feeling sad if that's my circumstance.
• 29:40
  MaryAnn Walker: And so it is just really interesting to see how that curiosity and just having permission to feel that alone can help to lighten so much.
• 29:48
  Kellyn Legath: Truly, truly the, the permission is everything, right?
• 29:51
  Kellyn Legath: Because again, it goes back to that, that beach ball.
• 29:55
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 29:55
  Kellyn Legath: The permission is just like letting the beach ball float around on top of the water and let the wind take it and let it be there, and eventually it blows outta the pool.
• 30:03
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 30:04
  Kellyn Legath: And.
• 30:05
  Kellyn Legath: And the, the, the resistance of it is pushing it down.
• 30:08
  Kellyn Legath: You're using so much energy then you're not enjoying your time in the pool.
• 30:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Yep, exactly.
• 30:14
  MaryAnn Walker: And
• 30:14
  Kellyn Legath: then you're tired and you're like,
• 30:15
  MaryAnn Walker: I can't kick anymore.
• 30:16
  MaryAnn Walker: And, you know.
• 30:17
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 30:18
  MaryAnn Walker: So that leads into our third talking point, which is how to change your relationship with the emotions that you've been avoiding.
• 30:26
  Kellyn Legath: I love this topic.
• 30:27
  Kellyn Legath: I, you know, this was such an eyeopening moment for me in my own healing journey.
• 30:33
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 30:33
  Kellyn Legath: Your, your thoughts with.
• 30:34
  Kellyn Legath: About anything.
• 30:36
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 30:36
  Kellyn Legath: Is the root of your relationship with that thing.
• 30:40
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 30:40
  Kellyn Legath: So if your thoughts about money are, money is terrible, you're gonna have a terrible relationship with money.
• 30:45
  Kellyn Legath: Right?
• 30:45
  Kellyn Legath: If your thoughts around your mom are negative, you're gonna have a negative experience.
• 30:53
  Kellyn Legath: You know, with your mom.
• 30:54
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 30:55
  Kellyn Legath: And the same goes for emotions, right?
• 30:57
  Kellyn Legath: If you think sadness and anger, um, are wrong or bad, you're, you're going to be resisting those most often.
• 31:06
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 31:07
  Kellyn Legath: And, um, you know, I, the, the perfect example, I always love to give this example is jealousy, right?
• 31:13
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 31:14
  Kellyn Legath: And to me, this goes back to.
• 31:15
  Kellyn Legath: To societal programming around our, our society says if you're a jealous person, that's so bad.
• 31:22
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 31:23
  Kellyn Legath: Jealousy is bad.
• 31:24
  Kellyn Legath: It makes you bitchy, it makes you insecure, it makes you all of these things, right?
• 31:29
  Kellyn Legath: Yes.
• 31:29
  Kellyn Legath: And I think as I was going through my healing journey, I, I really investigated that and I.
• 31:36
  Kellyn Legath: Got a reframe through a podcast that I always used to listen to, and they were like, oh, jealousy is is showing you what you want.
• 31:44
  Kellyn Legath: It's it.
• 31:45
  Kellyn Legath: It's not about the other person.
• 31:46
  Kellyn Legath: It's sort of this soul recognition, this desire of, Hey, I.
• 31:51
  Kellyn Legath: I want this thing.
• 31:52
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 31:52
  Kellyn Legath: And I think, I think people listening can really relate.
• 31:55
  Kellyn Legath: Like, have you ever had a friend that's like, has a boyfriend and you find yourself acting jealous or feeling jealous?
• 32:01
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 32:01
  Kellyn Legath: And you're like, I don't even like that guy.
• 32:03
  Kellyn Legath: I'm not even attracted to him.
• 32:05
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 32:05
  Kellyn Legath: You're looking at like the material thing and trying to, to make sense of it.
• 32:09
  Kellyn Legath: And it's not about that, right?
• 32:11
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 32:11
  Kellyn Legath: There's a deeper, there's a deeper soul knowing of like, sure, you might not want him, you not, might not be jealous of.
• 32:18
  Kellyn Legath: Like that person in particular.
• 32:20
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 32:21
  Kellyn Legath: But what you're jealous of is, um, a nurturing person, right?
• 32:26
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 32:26
  Kellyn Legath: You might see him open the car door for her or carry her bags and you're like, oh, I desire support.
• 32:34
  Kellyn Legath: Right?
• 32:34
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 32:36
  Kellyn Legath: When I changed this mindset around jealousy, I, it became like one of my favorite emotions.
• 32:41
  Kellyn Legath: Like, I'm like, oh, look at this.
• 32:42
  Kellyn Legath: It's a cheat code, right?
• 32:43
  Kellyn Legath: I'm like, oh, look at this thing that I really want, right?
• 32:47
  Kellyn Legath: And I'm like, oh, I'm so like, I'll, I'll name it in such a.
• 32:52
  Kellyn Legath: An obvious way.
• 32:52
  Kellyn Legath: I'm like, oh, I'm so jealous of you.
• 32:54
  Kellyn Legath: I want that thing too.
• 32:56
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 32:56
  Kellyn Legath: And it takes away so much of the power and the shame, and, and we can do this with any emotion.
• 33:04
  Kellyn Legath: I think anger, I'm, I'm interested to hear what you think about this, but I think anger is one, especially with women that we so often feel like we're not allowed to feel.
• 33:13
  Kellyn Legath: Um, and especially in the, the.
• 33:18
  Kellyn Legath: Um, B-I-P-O-C community, like an, like being angry is so bad and like this label that you get for being an angry person and mm-hmm.
• 33:28
  Kellyn Legath: It's just like, okay, wait a second.
• 33:30
  Kellyn Legath: No anger is.
• 33:33
  Kellyn Legath: Is informative or anger is telling you something, right?
• 33:37
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 33:38
  Kellyn Legath: And to be able to open up to that and, and not put the umbrella of, oh, I'm, if I'm angry, I'm bad, or if I'm angry, I'm a crazy person, or
• 33:47
  Kellyn Legaath: mm-hmm.
• 33:47
  Kellyn Legath: Whatever it is, yeah.
• 33:49
  Kellyn Legath: It, it will change everything because you, again, you won't be able to open up to something if there is a cage around it, right?
• 33:57
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 33:57
  Kellyn Legath: If, if the story being told is this is absolutely bad and wrong.
• 34:02
  Kellyn Legath: Then that's what will happen.
• 34:04
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 34:04
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 34:04
  MaryAnn Walker: So what I hear you saying basically is name it to tame it, like identify the emotion.
• 34:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 34:09
  MaryAnn Walker: And then use the emotion as a cheat code to get information.
• 34:14
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that you call it a cheat code.
• 34:15
  MaryAnn Walker: This is how you level up people.
• 34:17
  MaryAnn Walker: You use this cheat code and it's so great.
• 34:19
  MaryAnn Walker: It really is.
• 34:20
  MaryAnn Walker: It really is like a code.
• 34:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, because, and that's one thing that we didn't do in the role play, but we've often done for each other in coaching is, all right, so now that we have felt the emotion, that's the next step is what is that emotion there to teach you?
• 34:32
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 34:33
  MaryAnn Walker: And like you said with the jealousy, okay, well maybe that's showing me that I am in native nurturing, I'm in need of adventure.
• 34:38
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm in need of affection.
• 34:40
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm in need of, right?
• 34:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Like figuring out, oh, what is the thing that I am seeking?
• 34:44
  MaryAnn Walker: And, and then once you're able to identify it, again, it's the name entertainment.
• 34:48
  MaryAnn Walker: Once you know why it is that you're experiencing that emotion, then you can create change for yourself.
• 34:53
  MaryAnn Walker: Absolutely.
• 34:54
  MaryAnn Walker: And it also helps.
• 34:55
  MaryAnn Walker: To neutralize those emotions.
• 34:56
  MaryAnn Walker: So then instead of listing them as good or bad or masculine or feminine, or like the ones that we are allowed or not allowed to feel.
• 35:05
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 35:05
  MaryAnn Walker: When we're just able to be curious about'em, like, okay, what emotion am I experiencing?
• 35:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Like most people are able to identify mad, sad, and glad they can identify three emotions, but what else is there?
• 35:16
  MaryAnn Walker: And getting curious about, okay.
• 35:19
  MaryAnn Walker: When we're curious, it automatically helps to neutralize them.
• 35:22
  MaryAnn Walker: We're not judging'em as much.
• 35:23
  MaryAnn Walker: When you're curious about it, it's like, oh, isn't that interesting?
• 35:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, oh look, resentment just showed up for me today.
• 35:29
  MaryAnn Walker: What is that about?
• 35:30
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, this resentment is showing me that things are out of balance in this relationship.
• 35:34
  MaryAnn Walker: Then you have information to see.
• 35:36
  MaryAnn Walker: You have the cheat code, right?
• 35:37
  MaryAnn Walker: To see, okay, so now how can I create change?
• 35:40
  MaryAnn Walker: If I'm feeling like there's an imbalance and it's creating resentment, what do I need to do?
• 35:44
  MaryAnn Walker: Do I need to state a boundary?
• 35:45
  MaryAnn Walker: Do I need to make a request of them so that I feel like it's going both ways?
• 35:49
  MaryAnn Walker: What is it that I can do, which is so empowering.
• 35:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Once you're able to recognize, recognize that, okay, this is a cheat code to help me to get what I want, it's so empowering.
• 35:58
  MaryAnn Walker: It really, we feel disempowered when we're feeling the negative emotions.
• 36:01
  MaryAnn Walker: But if we can get curious and see what is it there to teach me?
• 36:04
  MaryAnn Walker: That's where the self-empowerment comes in.
• 36:06
  Kellyn Legath: Totally, totally.
• 36:07
  Kellyn Legath: And I think this is one of the things that, uh.
• 36:10
  Kellyn Legath: You know, you're looking, we're all looking for tools, right?
• 36:12
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 36:13
  Kellyn Legath: We're like, what's, what's going on with me?
• 36:15
  Kellyn Legath: I want this to go away.
• 36:16
  Kellyn Legath: And, and it's like one, like you said, one of the most empowering tools to be like, oh, this is here.
• 36:21
  Kellyn Legath: This is information.
• 36:22
  Kellyn Legath: My body is so smart.
• 36:24
  Kellyn Legath: My, this organism that we're living in is so smart that it's like.
• 36:28
  Kellyn Legath: Hey, I'm gonna send you information.
• 36:29
  Kellyn Legath: You're really angry because this is crossing a boundary for you.
• 36:33
  Yeah.
• 36:34
  Kellyn Legath: And you know, sometimes we can't see it.
• 36:36
  Kellyn Legath: Our body sends us signals and like, what a loving thing.
• 36:39
  Kellyn Legath: You know?
• 36:39
  Kellyn Legath: I think so often, depending on where you are with your relationship with emotions, it can feel like, oh, this is terrible.
• 36:47
  Kellyn Legath: I don't wanna feel this way.
• 36:48
  Kellyn Legath: And it's like, oh no, what a loving thing.
• 36:51
  Kellyn Legath: That our bodies and our nervous systems are so smart that they're like, Hey, we're gonna send you a signal.
• 36:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 36:57
  Kellyn Legath: To let you know, Hey, time to check in, check into your body.
• 37:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Yes.
• 37:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yep.
• 37:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 37:02
  MaryAnn Walker: And I've had so many clients where, you know, all, all different reasons.
• 37:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Either it's because they've been conditioned that they weren't allowed to have emotions, or maybe they were in a toxic relationship or it wasn't safe to experience emotions, but now they're in coaching.
• 37:15
  MaryAnn Walker: And they're feeling so tired again, the body keeps the score.
• 37:19
  MaryAnn Walker: They're feeling exhausted.
• 37:21
  MaryAnn Walker: They're feeling overwhelmed.
• 37:22
  MaryAnn Walker: They're wondering, okay, what is wrong with me?
• 37:25
  MaryAnn Walker: And I should be finished feeling these feelings because I'm no longer that person anymore.
• 37:29
  MaryAnn Walker: And it's like, okay, but you still have to feel and process the things that you suppressed for all those years.
• 37:34
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 37:34
  MaryAnn Walker: Like we still need to dedicate some time and space to, okay, it's safe now to feel creating that personal safety.
• 37:41
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, there's lots of different ways that you can.
• 37:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Feel and process your emotions.
• 37:45
  MaryAnn Walker: Some people come to coaching, some people go to breath work, finding something that really resonates with you, spending time in nature.
• 37:51
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, right.
• 37:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, there are so many different ways that you can just create those safe spaces for yourself to feel in a process, but it can make a huge difference.
• 37:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh my
• 37:58
  Kellyn Legath: gosh.
• 37:59
  Kellyn Legath: Absolutely.
• 38:00
  Kellyn Legath: I, I think what you just hit on too is, is really interesting.
• 38:03
  Kellyn Legath: You know, I, I tend to bring the inner child into the work that I do and mm-hmm.
• 38:07
  Kellyn Legath: It's very future focused.
• 38:08
  Kellyn Legath: But I think there's also an, you know, it's, it's really important to acknowledge sort of when the inner child is running the show and in that we, I tend to take inventory of.
• 38:18
  Kellyn Legath: When you were little, what were you not allowed to feel?
• 38:21
  Kellyn Legaath: Hmm.
• 38:21
  Kellyn Legath: You know, and that's sort of your roadmap right away.
• 38:24
  Kellyn Legath: I think, um, you know, for some people, positive emotion, they weren't allowed to feel right.
• 38:30
  Kellyn Legath: They weren't allowed to be overexcited because mom and dad said, you're being loud, and that's rude, right?
• 38:35
  Kellyn Legaath: Mm-hmm.
• 38:36
  Kellyn Legaath: So
• 38:36
  Kellyn Legath: suddenly they're in adulthood and they're like, oh, I, I don't get, I don't like to get too excited.
• 38:41
  Kellyn Legath: And then you end up missing out on processing the positive emotions.
• 38:45
  Kellyn Legath: And we can kind of move into that too, like.
• 38:47
  Kellyn Legath: You know once, because you're not POS processing negative emotions, you're surely not pro processing positive ones.
• 38:54
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 38:54
  Kellyn Legath: And to be, well, once you sit with the negative, you start to open up to the positive more.
• 38:59
  Kellyn Legath: And I think like there have been so many instances where.
• 39:03
  Kellyn Legath: I am having a, such a great experience and I'm able to tap into my body and be like, oh my God, doesn't, doesn't joy feel so good?
• 39:11
  Kellyn Legath: You know, doesn't,
• 39:12
  it's,
• 39:13
  Kellyn Legath: you know, doesn't love just feel amazing and we know it feels good, but to be able to sit with it and really experience it, your, your whole life opens up in such a different way.
• 39:22
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that so much because I think that we have this belief that we can selectively numb emotions.
• 39:28
  MaryAnn Walker: We think, okay, if I can just numb the negative emotions, then I'll be fine.
• 39:32
  MaryAnn Walker: But we can't selectively numb the emotions.
• 39:34
  MaryAnn Walker: And so it is by default that we're, we're preventing ourselves from experiencing that joy.
• 39:39
  MaryAnn Walker: And, and I love what you shared about that.
• 39:43
  MaryAnn Walker: I really want my listeners to be thinking about, have I shamed myself for my positive or negative emotions?
• 39:49
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, have I shamed myself or no, I'm not allowed to celebrate myself.
• 39:53
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm not allowed to celebrate my successes.
• 39:55
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm not allowed to be happy.
• 39:57
  MaryAnn Walker: It's childish to be happy and playful and excited about things.
• 40:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 40:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, so just as we label emotions as, oh, well, you know, uh, white women aren't allowed to experience that emotion.
• 40:08
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like, no, we, we've like, we've narrowed it down.
• 40:10
  MaryAnn Walker: So it's like, oh no, that one's childish.
• 40:12
  MaryAnn Walker: That one, only men are allowed to feel that one is overused by women.
• 40:16
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, we tend to, right, right.
• 40:18
  MaryAnn Walker: To have so much judgments around it.
• 40:19
  MaryAnn Walker: So I love that you brought that up to just create space for feeling.
• 40:24
  MaryAnn Walker: And I think even if you're not in a space, you know, maybe you do want to come to coaching to help to identify the emotions that you would like support feeling.
• 40:30
  MaryAnn Walker: But you could start today.
• 40:31
  MaryAnn Walker: I mean, just pick any emotion.
• 40:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Uh, I think of one.
• 40:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 40:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 40:35
  MaryAnn Walker: I purchased an emotions book for my kids and for a while we would just.
• 40:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Pick an emotion at the dinner table.
• 40:41
  MaryAnn Walker: We'd flip open, pick an emotion, we'd take turns who was picking it, and we would just get curious about it.
• 40:46
  MaryAnn Walker: Have you ever felt that emotion before?
• 40:48
  MaryAnn Walker: What did it feel like for you?
• 40:50
  MaryAnn Walker: It gave my kids the vocabulary and also provided a space where we could just feel those emotions.
• 40:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Then we'd be able, better able to recognize even in the body.
• 40:59
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay, am I experiencing nervousness or excitement?
• 41:02
  MaryAnn Walker: They're very similar in the body.
• 41:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 41:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Okay.
• 41:06
  MaryAnn Walker: And then, okay.
• 41:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Nope, this one is more excited.
• 41:08
  MaryAnn Walker: So it feels a lot like nervousness, but I'm mostly excited about doing this thing.
• 41:12
  MaryAnn Walker: And then you can nurture the ones that you choose into.
• 41:16
  Kellyn Legath: Totally.
• 41:16
  Kellyn Legath: Your emotional vocabulary grows so intensely.
• 41:20
  Kellyn Legath: I, I think to your point, uh, you know, there was a time where I was so anxious and I kept saying, this is anxiety, this is anxiety, this is anxiety.
• 41:28
  Kellyn Legath: And then when I felt into it more, and, and again, I can't.
• 41:32
  Kellyn Legath: I can't stress enough how this is a dance between mind and body, right?
• 41:36
  Kellyn Legath: What am I thinking that's making me feel this way?
• 41:39
  Kellyn Legath: What am I feeling?
• 41:40
  Kellyn Legath: Like?
• 41:40
  Kellyn Legath: It's sort of, it, it, there's, it's an art, right?
• 41:43
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 41:43
  Kellyn Legath: Not a science.
• 41:44
  Kellyn Legath: It's sort of a back and forth and staying curious and checking in.
• 41:47
  Kellyn Legath: But you know, as I, I move through my process and.
• 41:52
  Kellyn Legath: I was like, oh, I'm saying everything is anxiety.
• 41:54
  Kellyn Legath: I just bucketed because I believe that I was an anxious person.
• 41:58
  Kellyn Legath: Right, right.
• 41:58
  Kellyn Legath: Again, think of how we relate to ourselves.
• 42:01
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 42:02
  Kellyn Legath: If we tell these stories of, oh, I'm anxious, then anytime an emotion happens, you're anxious.
• 42:07
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 42:08
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah, and, and I started to tune in and I'm like.
• 42:11
  Kellyn Legath: But yeah, I'm like feeling it in my throat, oh, this is anger that feels different and, and you can start to peel apart and differentiate and, and understand yourself on just such a different level.
• 42:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 42:22
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that you said that because so often.
• 42:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Around this resistance around emotions.
• 42:27
  MaryAnn Walker: It's interesting to really break it down like, okay, well yes, I'm feeling nervous and anxious and uncomfortable, but why?
• 42:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 42:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, it's because I'm trying something new.
• 42:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Like even noting that as you are practicing feeling your emotions.
• 42:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 42:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Noticing, okay, I'm going to be experiencing resistance because this is new for me.
• 42:46
  Yeah.
• 42:46
  But
• 42:46
  MaryAnn Walker: that form of discomfort is so worth it to just know that, okay, my body has become so familiar with the grief, the anger, the resentment.
• 42:56
  MaryAnn Walker: It's, it's become so familiar to me that it almost feels like a safe little wooy.
• 43:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 43:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 43:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Where it's like I want to clinging to that emotion because it feels familiar, and therefore my nervous system says that it's safe, but it's not serving you.
• 43:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 43:10
  MaryAnn Walker: And practicing the discomfort of, I'm going to lean into curiosity.
• 43:15
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm gonna get curious about that resentment.
• 43:17
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm gonna get curious about why I'm so angry.
• 43:19
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm gonna look at what things are and are not in my control, and just see how things move for me.
• 43:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Being willing to be just a little bit uncomfortable as you practice this.
• 43:28
  MaryAnn Walker: Like that is an emotion.
• 43:29
  MaryAnn Walker: I hope all of you are taking away from this is I'm willing to be uncomfortable enough to experience full joy.
• 43:36
  Kellyn Legath: Totally.
• 43:36
  Kellyn Legath: Oh, what a good, oh, what a good sentiment.
• 43:39
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 43:39
  Kellyn Legath: And even as you're saying that, I'm like, discomfort, discomfort's.
• 43:42
  Kellyn Legath: One of the best emotions to kind of, to take inventory on.
• 43:46
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 43:46
  Kellyn Legath: Right.
• 43:47
  Kellyn Legath: I like to say take inventory, but like, am I willing to feel discomfort?
• 43:51
  Kellyn Legath: Can I tolerate discomfort in my body?
• 43:53
  MaryAnn Walker: Mm-hmm.
• 43:54
  Kellyn Legath: You know, and, and just start, even start there.
• 43:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 43:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Yep.
• 43:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Because all good things start out as kind of uncomfortable in the beginning, right?
• 44:02
  MaryAnn Walker: When you're They do.
• 44:02
  MaryAnn Walker: It's a little uncomfortable, but it's okay.
• 44:05
  MaryAnn Walker: It's okay.
• 44:06
  Kellyn Legaath: It'll be okay.
• 44:07
  Kellyn Legaath: Yeah.
• 44:07
  Kellyn Legaath: All right.
• 44:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, we're running low on time.
• 44:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So is the, what's your main takeaway from this conversation, Kellyn?
• 44:11
  MaryAnn Walker: What's one thing that you really want our listeners to feel into?
• 44:15
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 44:15
  MaryAnn Walker: I think the biggest thing is understanding that.
• 44:19
  Kellyn Legath: Emotions.
• 44:20
  Kellyn Legath: They're, they're not here to hurt you.
• 44:21
  Kellyn Legath: Sometimes they can feel so bad and it can feel, and, and it's the resistance that hurts, right?
• 44:27
  Kellyn Legath: I think we haven't really tapped into that, but, but maybe this is the perfect closing, right?
• 44:33
  Kellyn Legath: It's not the emotion that hurts us, it's the resistance to the emotion.
• 44:38
  Kellyn Legath: Sadness is not that bad when you, when you open up to it, but when you're pushing it and pushing it and carrying those rocks in your backpack and trying to jump on that beach ball.
• 44:47
  Kellyn Legath: It, it's really painful.
• 44:49
  Yeah.
• 44:49
  Um,
• 44:50
  Kellyn Legath: and, and if you've done that your whole life again, it makes so much sense.
• 44:54
  Kellyn Legath: It's how we're, we're, um, taught, but try something different.
• 44:59
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 45:00
  Kellyn Legath: Try something different and open up and just, you'll see how much the opening up, um, allows it to be there and just, it will change your life really.
• 45:09
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 45:10
  Kellyn Legath: Emotions are the most important thing.
• 45:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 45:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Um,
• 45:13
  Kellyn Legath: that we have.
• 45:14
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that.
• 45:15
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, and I think that maybe that's the first emotion you choose to sit with is just why am I resisting feeling this emotion?
• 45:23
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 45:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Sit with that resistance and even using that as a cheat code, right?
• 45:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Using all of the emotions as a cheat code.
• 45:29
  MaryAnn Walker: That's my main takeaway.
• 45:30
  MaryAnn Walker: Kellyn was you saying that emotions are cheat code.
• 45:32
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that
• 45:33
  Kellyn Legaath: you are.
• 45:35
  Kellyn Legaath: They're,
• 45:36
  MaryAnn Walker: yeah, they're, and
• 45:37
  Kellyn Legath: it's beautiful pieces of, of information, right?
• 45:39
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 45:40
  Kellyn Legath: If we go back to the sadness of a relationship, like.
• 45:44
  Kellyn Legath: That sadness is showing you so much.
• 45:46
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 45:46
  Kellyn Legath: That's showing you that relationship mattered to you, that you deeply cared for that other person, that you really have a desire to be in relationship.
• 45:56
  Kellyn Legath: That's so much information, right?
• 45:58
  Kellyn Legath: Yeah.
• 45:58
  Kellyn Legath: And we can't access that wisdom if we're like, I shouldn't be sad.
• 46:03
  Kellyn Legath: This is stupid.
• 46:04
  Kellyn Legath: I, that guy was terrible.
• 46:06
  Kellyn Legath: And you know, we're, we're blaming our emotions on other people.
• 46:09
  Kellyn Legath: Mm-hmm.
• 46:10
  Kellyn Legath: We can't access all that beautiful wisdom.
• 46:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 46:13
  MaryAnn Walker: Which brings us back to, I love this, this has now come full circle, which brings us back to the difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing is remembering that.
• 46:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Positive thinking is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
• 46:26
  MaryAnn Walker: So when we're only focusing on how uncomfortable that emotion is, we're forgetting the beauty that comes from it.
• 46:30
  MaryAnn Walker: We're forgetting to look at and isn't it beautiful that that grief is showing me how much love was there?
• 46:38
  MaryAnn Walker: Isn't it beautiful that, um, that jealousy is showing me what it is that I want to be seeking out in a relationship?
• 46:44
  MaryAnn Walker: It's showing me what my green flags are, but recognizing that, okay, what's the whole truth here?
• 46:49
  MaryAnn Walker: And, and opening yourself up to that.
• 46:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Totally.
• 46:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 46:53
  Kellyn Legath: I love it.
• 46:54
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, thank you so much for being here, everybody, and if you would like some help and support learning how to sit with your emotions, um, feel free to reach out to me.
• 47:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Feel free to reach out to Kellyn.
• 47:03
  MaryAnn Walker: Kellyn.
• 47:03
  MaryAnn Walker: How can they find you?
• 47:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, you can find me on Instagram.
• 47:06
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm at Daydreamer Coaching or daydreamer coaching.com.
• 47:10
  MaryAnn Walker: Awesome.
• 47:10
  MaryAnn Walker: Thank you so much for being here.
• 47:11
  MaryAnn Walker: I'll put all of her information in the show notes as well as a link to the book.
• 47:15
  MaryAnn Walker: The Body Keeps the Score.
• 47:16
  MaryAnn Walker: I highly recommend.
• 47:18
  MaryAnn Walker: So yeah, thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next week.
• 47:21
  MaryAnn Walker: See you soon.
• 47:21
  MaryAnn Walker: Bye.
• 47:22
  MaryAnn Walker: Bye.