Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 1 - I Used to Be a Pick Me Girl… Until Everything Fell Apart
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone, and welcome to the very first episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. My name is Denise, and you may know me either personally or from my first podcast, Aligned Almost, that I co-hosted with my friend B. We have since decided to pursue different endeavors, not for anything other than the fact that we believe in pursuing what is exciting to us in the moment, and we have goals that are separate and apart from each other, but we have a lot of love for each other. And I am so thankful because that time of us co-hosting has really helped myself and of course I well, I would assume her as well, to use our voice and to not be afraid of being seen. Because that is a big fear that I think collectively many of us can relate to is just the fear of being seen, the fear of being judged and the fear of wondering what other people are thinking about us. So here I am going to pivot a bit. In our previous podcast, we had talked a lot about alignment, and really the premise was us sharing our stories, our previous our childhood stories, and what led us to seek spirituality and embody what it means to be aligned so that we can live our highest timeline. Ultimately that was the goal. And I can safely say now that I am living in a space where I am pursuing what is for my best and highest good. And so I'm sharing my stories so that I can help others do the same. Because I believe that collectively we're all here to live out a purpose. And whether you live out that purpose or not is going to depend on you. And that's the great thing of it. You have the power to do it. However, that is going to require you to face some fears. And so I'm sitting here as somebody who was, I will say, the biggest pick me girl. And that is why this podcast is titled Recovering Pick Me Girl. Because I went from healthy unhealthy, I say healthy, unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, thinking, okay, if I can just find the right person, then all my problems will be solved. All along though, I didn't realize that I was going to have to find the self-love to truly even Find the external love that I was looking for. So not a single person was going to make me feel that level of happiness that I thought they would. It was in me. And it took me so many unhealthy dynamics to finally uncover that. So again, if you listen to Aligned Almost, this will feel redundant. But I'm going to say because it was a big part of my life, I when I was younger, I was a pick-me-girl. I was already the girl that wanted to be chosen. I I would gravitate towards the non-committlement. The men that, you know, they wouldn't view me as their girlfriend. And if they did if they did, I found them boring. That's the reality. I had relationships with good people, and I was just not in a space to hold those relationships. So it was either I was in a in a dynamic where the person was emotionally unavailable, or I was in a dynamic where the person was trying to give me everything I wanted, but I was like, I don't want to be with you anymore. So I ended up Meeting somebody in my early twenties, we met at a bar and ⁓ we both liked to go out and drink and we were both very outgoing. Actually, I would say he was much more outgoing than me. I was at the time. I am a much more outgoing person now that I've embodied my full authentic self than I was back then. But we met and so at the time he was pretty non-committal, but I mean he was in his early twenties, and then I finally got him to commit to me. We had our son, we got married, we did the whole thing. We had our daughter, and then I decided that I wanted to step away from the marriage, and I didn't want to be married anymore. And I think or I know all of this played out in this way for a reason. And when I left the marriage, I thought, okay, I am gonna go out there and I'm gonna find my person. I'm gonna find that person that brings that passion that I've been looking for. I'm gonna get it. And I was met with karmic relationship after karmic relationship after karmic relationship. It was nuts. And I don't, if you're not familiar with karmic relationships, what those are, they're relationships that are mirrors to the wounds that you have not healed within yourself and that you you have not faced within yourself. And so a lot of the times we we think karma is punishment. Karma is not punishment. Karma is something that you are to learn. So you're facing it's difficult. We view it, you know, we view it as something that's negative, but it's not negative. It's just difficult because We are having to face some of the things that we don't want to face and that we're scared to face and that make us feel, you know, some type of way that isn't deemed positive. But at the end of the day, all emotions are part of being human. And it's really how you move through those emotions that makes all the difference. So just because you step into alignment and step into a life that you love does not mean that you are going to never experience sadness and challenges and anxiety. But you learn to move through those things with much more ease. So that's what I want to teach here. And ultimately, my goal with creating my own venture in this podcast is so that I can showcase different healing modalities and connect with different healers so that people listening can find their way and their path. Because I believe in collective consciousness. And what that means is all of us here are are here for a purpose. All of our souls decided to be on this earth because we wanted to fulfill something. And It takes self, it takes a lot of inner work in order to really live out that purpose and self-reflection. So I want to bring on these different people and see what resonates with the people listening so that they can find their path and live out what they came here to do, so that you can live a happy, fulfilling life. And as I mentioned, that doesn't mean the absence of sadness. That means that you're able to alchemize the sadness and those quote unquote negative experiences. And what I mean by alchemy is using those less desirable. experiences, whatever we want to call them, to elevate your soul to really learn that life is not something that's you know, things are not never happening against you, they're happening for you. They're happening to teach you something. So I can sit there and say, ⁓ the men that I've dated before, they suck and they're terrible and they were noncommittal and they were cheating on me and they were lying to me lying to me and they weren't being real. But at the end of the day, none of that matters. Were those things true? I mean, yeah. But I was to learn That I had to choose myself and to stop bending over backwards for people who were unavailable to me. Because I thought if I acted like the chill girl, the girl who didn't need much, the girl who was the friend, the cool girl, that they would choose me. And you know what? I wasn't faking those things, but I was faking the fact that I didn't want commitment. You know, I was, I was acting like I was okay with not being labeled as their girlfriend, or okay with not them not like owning me so. I say socially, but like owning me in a way that everybody can see because I'm I'm using like my last and I I continue to use that last situation ship because he was pivotal to my transformation. All of them were, honestly. Especially the last two. And this is why I think, or I know, that we encounter humans for a reason and we have to love the experience that we learn from them. Do you have to love that person and keep them in your orbit? Absolutely fucking not. But you need to remember that everyone came here and everyone that Everyone came here for a reason. You're encountering these people for a reason. And it is your job to figure that out so that you can live your best life. So when I share my recent relationships, it's because those were pivotal to who I am now. And I don't ever want to like highlight the negative qualities in a way that seems like I'm still holding resentment. I I just want to share those so that I can show what that reflected about me. So I was chasing honesty and integrity and you name it from people who were not capable of that. And I thought I could force it out of them. And what ended up happening was I was just emotionally drained. I was just a a zombie of a human. I have zero idea how I operated in the world and kept my corporate jobs when I was specifically with the last two, because I think the last two were the most challenging because that was My soul's like final straw. You know, I was like, you know what? I cannot. And I have a lot of love for them because they did have good qualities, but you cannot stick with somebody just because they have good qualities. That is one thing I've learned. I've made so many excuses. I'm like, ⁓ but he's good at his core. Just because someone is good at their core doesn't mean that you need to stick with them, especially if they're not being honest with you, especially if they're not. Willing to give you what it is that your soul desires. And neither of those people were capable of giving me the partnership that I really wanted. But I saw the good in them and I wanted them to see see it too. And for them to choose me. And so I basically sucked myself dry trying for them to choose me. And what ended up happening was both of those situations ended pretty badly. And I had no choice but to really be like, okay, what role did I play in that dynamic? Because I'm not gonna say I was perfect. Of course I acted crazy as I shared in Aligned Almost. I I acted in ways that I am I wouldn't say shameful of because I I don't I don't believe in shame. I think we need to learn from even the things that we aren't proud of. But I'll just say I acted in ways that my my higher self would not have acted in. And It was because these wounds were being triggered within me. And I needed to s take a step back and figure out who I was. And I think that a lot of the times that's what many of us are lacking is understanding who we are at our core. We want the opinions of others. We want the approvals of others or approval of others. We want everyone to like us. We, you know, everything is out there on social media and we just want validation, external validation, and I was this person and I'm still fighting being this person. This doesn't mean like, you know, I'm just a hundred percent like I don't need anything from anyone. Of course, there is a part of me that still is working through wanting validation in some way, shape, or form. But I can safely say when it comes to male validation, this is the first time in my life that I am not entertaining a single man. And I it's not because I, you know, I know that I could if I wanted to But for me, a divine partnership means somebody who's really going to choose me and doesn't need a woman. He just wants a woman to help him build himself up. And he is a whole person and I am a whole person. So I am relishing in the fact that for the first time in my life, I have mastered being someone who is independent, someone who doesn't need a man to text, doesn't need a man to like make me feel good and tell me that I am pretty. And that's what I want in my partner. And I always say, you cannot ask for what you yourself are not embodying. So if you're sitting there being the pick me girl that I was, you know, entertaining whatever, five different men, hoping that one of them sticks, how are you going to expect to attract a quality partner? How? Because you're going to either one, attract a man who is doing the exact same thing, or two, attract somebody who is going to take advantage of the fact that you're so desperate for love. And that was my my experiences, or those were my experiences. And I don't want any woman to ha feel like they have to live this life forever. Because you do not, you do not. It is your choice. And I know it seems impossible. If you would have told me this time last year that I was going to be this person, I wouldn't have believed it. Because I would sit in my quiet ⁓ in my closet and I would just beg, beg to not be alive. Because I didn't have the bravery to do anything to myself. But all I knew is I wanted to stop living the life that I was living. I wanted to stop living, period. I didn't I know it's selfish. I know people are saying you have kids, but I was like, what good am I as a mother when I can't even figure out or regulate my own emotions? And I really want to l find love. This is the internal dialogue. And all I'm finding is people that take advantage of me. And it was woe is me, woe is me. And of course, you know, these people to some extent were taking advantage of me. But when I took a step back. I saw that they were trying to teach me self-love, to teach me that I didn't need to keep looking for that in other people, that I could find it within myself. And when I did, I would attract somebody who had also found it within himself. And I continue to say, like, I I would have not believed that I don't recognize myself, is what I'm trying to say. Like in in the best way possible. I don't even know who I am right now. I'm like, who is this person? This person that isn't texting a single man just because ⁓ This person who is okay with waiting, this person who doesn't need to know the outcome. I would have never imagined it. But finally all the work that I had done, even when I was in these dynamics, because I had discovered spirituality a few years before, and I was still, you know, I was f I wasn't fully involved because I was trying to ho hang on to people that weren't for me, but I was definitely doing my best to learn what my reason on this earth was. And so I want to backtrack and say that the reason that I'm podcasting is because if it weren't for one of the podcasts that I found back in 2024 when I was deeply depressed and I was in the thick of a situationship with somebody who I I mean I would venture to say like he was one of the people that I felt the most strongly about. ⁓ he just was not choosing me and I wanted him so badly to choose me. And my entire happiness revolved around whether he was giving me attention or not, whether he was texting me that day and making plans with me, or whether he was pretending that I didn't exist and using his job. And it's funny because people will be like, Are you sure this is true? But he was in the Secret Service, and yes, I'm like 99.9% true it or sure it was true. But I just say that because he used that job as an excuse to kind of go MIA and ultimately, ⁓ well, that ended. But I I always had a feeling that something was off and that it wasn't about his job. But I would tell myself, you know what, I'm crazy. Like it's because you just are so jealous and you just don't, you don't like you just need to chill. But I would later find out that my instincts were correct and he was, you know, not being fully honest with me. And I won't go into the nitty gritty, but. I will just say that as a woman, we are often told, ⁓ you know, you're crazy and you're insecure and yada yada. And o of course, you know, sometimes that is true. And if that is the case, you can take a step back. Because if somebody's trying to show you that they're trustworthy and honest and they're really showing up and they're really giving you what, you know, the reassurance and you're still not feeling it, I would there's there's something within yourself that you need to heal before you can be in a healthy dynamic, point blank. But I also want to say, listen to your intuition because I I always thought I was the crazy girl. You I was like, ⁓ my God, you're super jealous. Cause to some extent I was modeled jealousy and unhealthy dynamics, and I have to be to I have to take ownership of that. I'm not gonna put the blame and say that every man that I've ever encountered was like this, but I just realized that I needed to learn to trust myself and that I didn't need to beg for love and honesty and integrity from people who were not capable of it. That is what I learned from these people. And I hold no resentment and I actually still like talk to this person on occasion, very surface level. But I just I have so much love for the souls that I've encountered to make me who I am today because if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have done the work. So thank you. I don't know if they'll ever listen, but I am so grateful. And my purpose here on this earth is to help women understand that they don't need to deal with these unhealthy dynamics. You don't need to live like this and you don't need to Have your happiness depend on your relationship status. Absolutely not. A relationship should add value. A relationship is two whole people together growing parallel to one another and pushing each other up. It's not two people meshing lives and becoming codependent. So if I, this girl who was so relationship dependent, who needed male validation, who needed people to tell her that, you know, she looked good or whatever. Can do it, so can you. And if you're sitting there thinking, no, I cannot, I cannot imagine not having somebody. I was that person, I was that anxiously attached person. I needed somebody there. And when I now that I'm on the other side, I want to pull other women out of that. 1000%, you don't need to be in this situation. And so I am starting this with more of a goal and no plan. I don't want to say no plan. I have a plan, but I believe in starting messy. I believe in no more overthinking because I wasn't overthinker. I just want to start this messy, but my plan is to bring other healers on and talk to other healers so that the listeners, you guys can find a modality that will help you to heal. It's not always conventional. I was always told, you know, therapy, go to therapy and figure it out and medicate yourself. And you don't, I mean, for me, it was something else. It was spiritual counseling, podcasts. Figuring out how to listen to myself more. And I'm not saying I'm anti medicating, but I do think that a lot of the times we we believe that we need to I wanna say mask or numb our feelings. But the best way to progress is to feel the feelings and move through them. Let them move through your body because that is how you grow. It's I by actually letting yourself feel. And as humans, we're supposed to feel all the emotions. No motion emotions are negative, though we like to say negative, it's really because they're uncomfortable. So I will continue preaching. I am so thankful to everyone listening along. And ultimately, my goal is to raise the collective so that everyone sees the power within themselves and they live out their purpose. Because again, we are all here for a purpose. And if we all step into that purpose, we'll have a group of healthier humans that are helping each other rise. Rather than all these people who are just like, I don't know, fighting each other and being nasty towards one another and exuding all this like crazy dark energy. We don't need that. Here we are about raising the collective. We're about helping each other step into their our purpose and and helping each other grow. We can all win there's space for all of us. We all came here to learn something. And the more that we all start to step into what we're meant to do here, the better the world will be. So thank you so much for listening. I will plan to record weekly, but again, like I said, I believe in starting messy. So when I upload this, my plan is to have a regular cadence and I'm aiming for weekly. But either way, I am so thankful that you're listening. I am so excited to bring other healers to the forefront. And until next time, I will talk to you guys later.