Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #115| 5 Ways Ignoring Self-Compassion Is Holding Back Your Growth and Productivity
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: if you ignore self-compassion, it doesn't just affect your well-being, it's directly sabotaging your productivity and your focus and your motivation.
- 0:09Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:21Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former overwhelmed working woman and current life coach.
- 0:26Michelle Gauthier: On this show we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:38Michelle Gauthier: Hi friend, thanks for joining today.
- 0:46Michelle Gauthier: If you're a high achiever and I bet you are you might have been taught to believe that self-compassion is just an excuse to be lazy, or you may still tell yourself that today, but research actually shows the opposite is true.
- 0:59Michelle Gauthier: If you ignore self-compassion, it doesn't just affect your well-being, it's directly sabotaging your productivity and your focus and your motivation.
- 1:09Michelle Gauthier: So in today's episode, you'll discover five ways that self-judgment is slowing you down and keeping you stuck.
- 1:15Michelle Gauthier: Plus, of course, you know I wouldn't just leave you hanging with five problems.
- 1:19Michelle Gauthier: I'm also going to tell you a couple practical shifts that you can take today to be both kinder to yourself and also more productive and effective.
- 1:28Michelle Gauthier: So let's jump into it.
- 1:29Michelle Gauthier: The first way that you hold yourself back by self-criticism is that it really drains your mental energy.
- 1:37Michelle Gauthier: If you've ever just had a conversation with someone and said something you wish you hadn't said and you start thinking about that and you're thinking about that for hours or days afterwards, you know how much time can be wasted spiraling in self-doubt.
- 1:53Michelle Gauthier: That's just the worst, when you can't stop thinking about something and you keep replaying it over and over again, and when you make a mistake, like I just made one.
- 2:03Michelle Gauthier: The other day, I edited a podcast episode where we had a guest, and I am not usually the editor, but in this particular situation I had to edit a podcast episode and because I really suck at details that's why I have the magical Kari who takes care of all these things for me I missed an edit at the end.
- 2:22Michelle Gauthier: So at the end I had done a couple takes of something and it was in the episode.
- 2:27Michelle Gauthier: So I said the same thing like two or three times and I put it out without noticing it, and then the guest came back to me and told me that there was an error in it, that it hadn't been edited correctly, and I was like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't have edited it, I should have had Kari do it.
- 2:45Michelle Gauthier: Of course I screwed it up All those kinds of thoughts.
- 2:49Michelle Gauthier: So when you make a mistake, just a normal human, everyday mistake, you basically have two choices.
- 2:56Michelle Gauthier: You can take the time after to criticize yourself and let's think about the result of that Nothing.
- 3:02Michelle Gauthier: You just feel bad about yourself and let's think about the result of that Nothing.
- 3:04Michelle Gauthier: You just feel bad about yourself.
- 3:05Michelle Gauthier: It doesn't solve the problem, but you just feel bad about yourself.
- 3:08Michelle Gauthier: Or you can start looking for a solution and the mental energy that it takes to just stay in stew, like the example I gave at first, where you've said something in a conversation that you wish you hadn't said.
- 3:21Michelle Gauthier: It takes so much time and energy to stay there and it could have easily taken me hours of being like I can't believe I made a mistake.
- 3:30Michelle Gauthier: That must sound so bad and so unprofessional or whatever.
- 3:33Michelle Gauthier: Luckily, because my old self would have absolutely done that.
- 3:36Michelle Gauthier: Luckily, now I know how to shift into self-compassion, which gives me the energy to then solve the problem.
- 3:44Michelle Gauthier: So here's the shift that I suggest that you make when you catch yourself in self-criticism, pause and ask is this thought helping me move forward?
- 3:52Michelle Gauthier: Because the mistake is in the past.
- 3:54Michelle Gauthier: So what you really need to do is move forward Either fix the mistake, apologize, whatever it is that needs to happen.
- 4:00Michelle Gauthier: Nothing really good ever comes from just stewing in the problem and then reframe it.
- 4:06Michelle Gauthier: In the example that I gave you about the podcast, the thought wasn't helping me move forward, but what helped me move forward was being like oh okay, great, I'm glad she told me that, because I don't listen to the episodes once they're published, because I listened to them before they're published.
- 4:20Michelle Gauthier: So I'm so glad that she told me that, and that is like a two minute fix and I can republish a podcast anytime I want.
- 4:27Michelle Gauthier: So instead of getting stuck in that self criticism, I just fix the problem.
- 4:32Michelle Gauthier: I apologize to the guest and I don't even think she was upset in the first place and I moved on.
- 4:40Michelle Gauthier: The second thing that self-talk can often cause is perfectionism.
- 4:43Michelle Gauthier: So when you're thinking to yourself, okay, you're not doing this, this isn't good enough, you're not doing this.
- 4:49Michelle Gauthier: Well, you cannot possibly put this out there.
- 4:53Michelle Gauthier: What happens is it ends up creating procrastination.
- 4:57Michelle Gauthier: So perfectionists who have negative self-talk, that things are not good enough often procrastinate because they don't want to do anything and they become paralyzed if it could be wrong or imperfect and they have these, all these negative thoughts about themselves.
- 5:11Michelle Gauthier: That just keeps them stuck.
- 5:12Michelle Gauthier: So a shift that you can use.
- 5:15Michelle Gauthier: If you tend to be a perfectionist who doesn't get started because you're afraid that there will be a mistake, use the rule that if something is 70% good, go with it.
- 5:25Michelle Gauthier: Did you just have a little heart attack when I said that 70% good?
- 5:29Michelle Gauthier: That one's even hard for me.
- 5:32Michelle Gauthier: Personally, I like to say B minus work, and I think B minus work is like an 82% Okay.
- 5:38Michelle Gauthier: So for me.
- 5:39Michelle Gauthier: Once I had my corporate job but I had started coaching and had a coach and learned about these types of concepts.
- 5:45Michelle Gauthier: I had to put a sticky note on my actual monitor that said it's okay to do B minus work Because when you do B minus work, you finish things, you get them out there.
- 5:55Michelle Gauthier: It might not be absolutely perfect, just like that podcast that I put out, that was incorrect but you get it out there, it goes out, People listen to it.
- 6:04Michelle Gauthier: The message was still there, even if there was an error at the end.
- 6:07Michelle Gauthier: The third reason why negative self-talk is a bummer and sabotages us is that it just leads to burnout, if you think about your brain when you're being hard on yourselves, that it just pushes you to do more and tells you that the things you're doing are not enough.
- 6:22Michelle Gauthier: It really just creates this chronic stress.
- 6:25Michelle Gauthier: And when your brain's in a state of chronic stress and self-judgment, your nervous system stays on high alert.
- 6:30Michelle Gauthier: So that increases your stress, hormone cortisol and over time this leads to fatigue and lack of focus and burnout and feeling emotionally drained.
- 6:40Michelle Gauthier: So just think, like picture in your mind your most stressed out self and think how your body and your mind would feel if you stayed in that almost all the time, and that may resonate with you.
- 6:53Michelle Gauthier: You might be feeling like that almost all the time right now.
- 6:55Michelle Gauthier: I think it's really helpful to think about a time where you really pushed yourself to the point of exhaustion I know I have definitely done that before and ask yourself did beating myself up make me more productive, like saying, just keep going, you've got to keep going, or did it just lead you to feel terrible at the end?
- 7:14Michelle Gauthier: I think one thing to remember and I feel like this is a really good shift for this particular thing is that our thoughts, the thoughts that come into your head, those negative self-thoughts, are just a pattern.
- 7:25Michelle Gauthier: It's something that your brain is used to offering.
- 7:28Michelle Gauthier: But remember that you always have the power to decide if you want to believe that thought or not.
- 7:33Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, maybe a thought that your brain throws out a lot is you're not doing enough, you have to work harder.
- 7:39Michelle Gauthier: And the thought that you try to replace that with is I'm doing enough or I have done as much as I can do today.
- 7:47Michelle Gauthier: And then you start to create evidence and a new pattern in your mind to use those thoughts instead, if you use the thought of I have done all I can do today or I have done enough for today, start keeping an evidence journal of when that's true.
- 8:03Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, I used to work until midnight.
- 8:07Michelle Gauthier: Sometimes I'd take a break around dinnertime and then I'd go back and work till midnight.
- 8:11Michelle Gauthier: So that would mean sometimes I could get three, four more hours of work done.
- 8:15Michelle Gauthier: Did that really benefit me?
- 8:17Michelle Gauthier: Did that really benefit the company?
- 8:19Michelle Gauthier: Did that help my mental health?
- 8:21Michelle Gauthier: No, no, no.
- 8:22Michelle Gauthier: If I could have said at six o'clock okay, I've done enough for today, because I never was going to get to the bottom of the to-do list.
- 8:28Michelle Gauthier: If you're not going to get to the bottom of the to-do list ever, then why kill yourself each and every night?
- 8:35Michelle Gauthier: The fourth reason why self-judgment or negative self-talk is not helpful is because it keeps you stuck in your mistakes.
- 8:43Michelle Gauthier: If you make a mistake, you feel like it's final instead of fixable.
- 8:48Michelle Gauthier: So let's say you're giving a presentation and you bomb it and you don't explain it well or you're fumbling over your words.
- 8:54Michelle Gauthier: Self-critical mindset will definitely tell you I'm bad at public speaking, like make a big generalization like that.
- 9:01Michelle Gauthier: I'll never get better.
- 9:02Michelle Gauthier: But a self-compassionate mindset allows you to say that didn't go well.
- 9:05Michelle Gauthier: What can I do differently next time?
- 9:08Michelle Gauthier: I felt the same way when I first joined my gym because, frankly, I was not strong and I couldn't lift hardly anything, and so I noticed myself having the thought of I'm not strong, I've never been strong, and think about how holding on to a thought like that would create behavior that I either stop going or just don't ever try to get better.
- 9:28Michelle Gauthier: Instead, I had to say I'm not naturally a person who's great at lifting weights.
- 9:33Michelle Gauthier: Running is easier for me, but I didn't want to quit and I wanted to get better.
- 9:37Michelle Gauthier: So I would say I'm not that great right now, but I'm on my way, or I can definitely learn this new skill all of which are true, by the way.
- 9:45Michelle Gauthier: This is another good place to keep a progress journal or an evidence journal where you track proof of your improvements, not where you've made your mistake.
- 9:55Michelle Gauthier: Okay and the last reason why lack of self-compassion can just hold back your growth and make you be much less productive is that it just kills your motivation.
- 10:08Michelle Gauthier: If your inner voice is always telling you you're not enough, you're not doing enough, it's really hard to stay excited about anything.
- 10:13Michelle Gauthier: If you can imagine a coach, or maybe think of like a coach that one of your kids has maybe a soccer coach or something like that and the only thing that that coach ever does is tell the players what they're doing wrong, never what they're doing well, would those players feel motivated?
- 10:29Michelle Gauthier: Probably not.
- 10:30Michelle Gauthier: They'd probably want to quit and, honestly, if one of my kids was on a team like that and they had a coach like that, I would want to find another team immediately.
- 10:38Michelle Gauthier: I wouldn't want anybody to talk to my kids like that all the time.
- 10:46Michelle Gauthier: But think about it like we, our brains, we talk to ourselves like that all the time.
- 10:49Michelle Gauthier: So my tip here is to think about what you would say to your best friend in that same situation, or what you would say to your child in that same situation, would you be like get it together, you're not doing enough.
- 11:02Michelle Gauthier: What is your problem?
- 11:04Michelle Gauthier: Like?
- 11:04Michelle Gauthier: There's no way on earth I would ever say that to my best friend, or even think that about my best friend, so why would I say it to myself?
- 11:11Michelle Gauthier: So in the end, it seems like the reason why we think it's good to be hard on ourselves is to make us better.
- 11:19Michelle Gauthier: Quote unquote.
- 11:20Michelle Gauthier: Hopefully you've seen through all of these examples and these five reasons why I gave that it just doesn't work, that it isn't making you stronger, it keeps you stuck.
- 11:28Michelle Gauthier: You get less done, you make more mistakes, you get burned out more often and you're just much less clear about what you're trying to work toward.
- 11:37Michelle Gauthier: Let's move on to Michelle's do less for more success tip.
- 11:42Michelle Gauthier: This tip is directly related to this episode and the tip is save a ton of time by learning to catch your negative thoughts and stopping them in their tracks.
- 11:52Michelle Gauthier: In the first, very first example I gave, where you say something that you wish you hadn't said and you ruminate about it and it's taking up space in your brain.
- 12:00Michelle Gauthier: Think how much time you would have had to actually make progress or, if it's appropriate, make an apology or work on something completely different or not think about it anymore.
- 12:11Michelle Gauthier: So a real way to save more time is to catch yourself with negative thinking and cut it off.
- 12:17Michelle Gauthier: And here's how to do that Start noticing it right now.
- 12:20Michelle Gauthier: Now that you've heard this episode, watch your thoughts today and see where you have negative thoughts and when you catch them.
- 12:26Michelle Gauthier: You don't have to be mad at yourself or judgmental, just from a curious, neutral place, be like, hmm, I noticed that I just had a really negative thought about myself and I remember Michelle said to think, would I say that to my best friend?
- 12:38Michelle Gauthier: And I definitely wouldn't say that to my best friend.
- 12:40Michelle Gauthier: What would I say to my best friend?
- 12:41Michelle Gauthier: That's what I'm going to say to myself, and maybe it's more something like seems like you put your best effort on this.
- 12:47Michelle Gauthier: Why don't you just turn it in and call it good or gosh?
- 12:50Michelle Gauthier: You always do great work, you're such a smart, competent person, etc.
- 12:54Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so recap for you Self-criticism drains mental energy.
- 13:06Michelle Gauthier: Perfectionism leads to procrastination.
- 13:07Michelle Gauthier: Remember progress B minus is better than perfect.
- 13:09Michelle Gauthier: Harsh self-talk fuels burnout.
- 13:12Michelle Gauthier: So if you want to have more energy, you need to have self-compassion.
- 13:17Michelle Gauthier: Self-judgment keeps you stuck in mistakes.
- 13:19Michelle Gauthier: Instead, just notice that you've made a mistake and try again.
- 13:24Michelle Gauthier: Learn from them instead.
- 13:25Michelle Gauthier: And the lack of self-compassion kills motivation.
- 13:29Michelle Gauthier: Think about my example with the soccer team.
- 13:30Michelle Gauthier: If you have a coach who's always telling you all the things that you did wrong, you're not going to be motivated to even try, whereas encouragement leads to success and growth.
- 13:41Michelle Gauthier: So the same thing is true when you're the coach in your own mind.
- 13:44Michelle Gauthier: Here's my call to action for you today Be nice to yourself.
- 13:49Michelle Gauthier: Just try your best to be nice to yourself.
- 13:51Michelle Gauthier: Catch those thoughts, turn them around and see how you feel.
- 13:55Michelle Gauthier: If you like the content that you hear on the podcast, I bet you would love my Simple Sunday newsletter.
- 14:01Michelle Gauthier: The whole goal of the newsletter is to help you start out your week in a very calm and intentional way.
- 14:07Michelle Gauthier: There are some little bits of fun in there.
- 14:10Michelle Gauthier: There are some tips for how to have a smooth week all kinds of fun stuff.
- 14:14Michelle Gauthier: So sign up in the show notes and, as always, if you enjoyed the podcast, I would love if you would leave a review.
- 14:20Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 14:22Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 14:30Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work head over to my website at michellegauthiercom.
- 14:36Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.