Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 155. The Marriage Pandemic: “How Do I Bring My Sexy Side Back After Years of Stress, Familiarity and Responsibility?”

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155. The Marriage Pandemic: “How Do I Bring My Sexy Side Back After Years of Stress, Familiarity and Responsibility?” · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
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  Speaker 1: right in. We don't know who you are, but you're
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  Speaker 1: write in all the details about a sticky situation or
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  Speaker 1: maybe a situation where you don't have someone to talk to,
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  Speaker 1: as we would each other if we were in your situation.
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  Speaker 1: So I would have forgot today.
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  Speaker 2: All right, let's go. I'm feeling really emotionally unavailable to
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  Speaker 2: pretty much everyone, especially my hobby. I've had a lot
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  Speaker 2: going on in life from the last few years, plus
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  Speaker 2: kids plus businesses, so I know my stress is high
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  Speaker 2: and I'm definitely working on that with a nature path
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  Speaker 2: in brackets, but I'm really feeling it at the most
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  Speaker 2: with my hubby. I feel like it's a mission to
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  Speaker 2: get spicy, and honestly, I feel so lazy. I've noticed
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  Speaker 2: my body has changed a bit as well. I'm not
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  Speaker 2: orgasming like I used to, like, not at all during sex.
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  Speaker 2: So my question is how do I try and become
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  Speaker 2: emotionally available again. I'm not that old, and honestly, I
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  Speaker 2: miss the spicy me.
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  Speaker 1: Oh that's tough. Honestly, the first thing that comes to
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  Speaker 1: my mind is when you're under stress, it's like a
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  Speaker 1: s switch has been flicked off. Oh, Parka is on
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  Speaker 1: top of it. Oh boy, do I know? It's so
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  Speaker 1: It is so hard, And then to actually find time
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  Speaker 1: where you're both in the mood and you're not getting
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  Speaker 1: interrupted by children. I vent town about this all the time,
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  Speaker 1: Like Steve and I literally get interrupted nearly every single
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  Speaker 1: time we try and have sex. You do it's small, Oh,
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  Speaker 1: it's such a moodkiller. Like honestly, but I think stress
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  Speaker 1: is the underlying thing here, which you already know and
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  Speaker 1: you're already working with a natch path. But I always
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  Speaker 1: think there is more that we can do day to
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  Speaker 1: day to help our stress. I spoke about this in
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  Speaker 1: another episode. But you know, with our nervous system, say
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  Speaker 1: with water, you check how much water you're drinking each day.
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  Speaker 1: I've got it, my three leaders. You're constantly drinking throughout
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  Speaker 1: the day. You're conscious of it because you know it's important.
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  Speaker 1: We should be doing that for our nervous system. When
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  Speaker 1: you wake up in the morning, it's like, okay, where
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  Speaker 1: am I at? From one to ten? Ten being so stressed,
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  Speaker 1: one being god, I feel really true and really good.
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  Speaker 1: Wherever you're at. We want to bring it down to
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  Speaker 1: under five. So if you wake up when you're at
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  Speaker 1: a seven, it's like, Okay, I'm feeling a bit heightened.
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  Speaker 1: Someone's crying. I've got an hour to get ready. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not feeling good. What can I do to bring myself
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  Speaker 1: back to a four or five? Okay, I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: take three minutes. Yeah, I'm gonna go out in the
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  Speaker 1: sun if the sun's up, which it is now nice
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  Speaker 1: and early. Or I'm going to put on a three
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  Speaker 1: minute breathwak meditation. Or I'm going to have a long
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  Speaker 1: hot shower just to myself. I'm gonna put some music
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  Speaker 1: on whatever it is, just three minutes just to yourself,
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  Speaker 1: and throughout the day find more pockets of moments like that,
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  Speaker 1: because over the span of a week and a month,
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  Speaker 1: you're taking long, big breath really adds up. It does,
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  Speaker 1: And what breath does. Keep going back to breath is
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  Speaker 1: because when you breathe slowly, you actually tell your body
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  Speaker 1: that it's safe to be, it's safe to feel, it's
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  Speaker 1: safe to think, it's safe to do whatever it needs
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  Speaker 1: to do. The more safety you create within your body,
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  Speaker 1: the horny you're gonna get. Yeah, if you are in
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  Speaker 1: fight or flight, you're not ready for sex. You're fucking
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  Speaker 1: worried about what's happening. Yeah, and my kids alive. The
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  Speaker 1: dinner cooked book, the dentist appointment. I've got to do
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  Speaker 1: this to the business. My husband needs this. There's noise.
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  Speaker 1: Everyone'm over stimulated. Oh my gosh, I can't think. If
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  Speaker 1: you can't even think straight, how are you going to
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  Speaker 1: feel any pleasure or even like want to be in
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  Speaker 1: the mood to entertain that. So I'm not surprised that
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  Speaker 1: you're not having orgasms and you're not feeling like, you're
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  Speaker 1: not feeling spicy. It takes a lot of conscious effort.
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  Speaker 1: And I know because I've been there. I've had two kids,
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  Speaker 1: I run multiple businesses, had two brain surgeries last year. Like,
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  Speaker 1: I get how hard it can be sometimes, but it
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  Speaker 1: is a conscious effort. And the way I always look
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  Speaker 1: at things, that's like, choose your hard use the heart
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  Speaker 1: of continuing to be in fight or flight and not
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  Speaker 1: feeling spicy, not feeling it out myself and just being
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  Speaker 1: on that fight or flight energy anxious state all the time.
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  Speaker 1: Or I can choose the heart of actually implementing things
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  Speaker 1: that help my body relax, help me feel calm, more feminine,
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  Speaker 1: or soft, more slow. And we think those little pockets
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  Speaker 1: of moments won't really make a difference. I promise you
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  Speaker 1: they do. Those little micro moments add up, they make
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  Speaker 1: the world a difference when it's done consistently. It's not
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  Speaker 1: just doing a couple of brests in the morning and
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  Speaker 1: then leaving to next week or getting a massage once
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  Speaker 1: a month. It doesn't work like that. It's like your
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  Speaker 1: consistent actions day to day are going to make the
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  Speaker 1: world a difference.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, absolute, mic job. I don't think I need
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  Speaker 2: to say a word.
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  Speaker 1: No.
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  Speaker 2: That's beautiful and obviously, like there's only so much that
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  Speaker 2: I can relate to this, because one, I am not
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  Speaker 2: married and I don't have children, so I can only
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  Speaker 2: understand to a certain degree. But I think if I
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  Speaker 2: can relate it back to my own experiences, there have
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  Speaker 2: been times where I've either been so stressed or disconnected
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  Speaker 2: to myself and I've been in a relationship and I've
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  Speaker 2: lost that spiciness, I've lost that sexual desire that almost
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  Speaker 2: like that seductress, that flirty, fun, playful version of me.
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  Speaker 2: What I've noticed was in those moments, I was actually
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  Speaker 2: really sexually disconnected to myself, you know. And so obviously
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  Speaker 2: this is different because you know, I'm sure you have
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  Speaker 2: a lot less time with all the things that you've
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  Speaker 2: got going on, But i'd be curious to know what
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  Speaker 2: your self pleasure practice looks like, and if you even
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  Speaker 2: have one. I don't think she has, you know, because
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  Speaker 2: when you're so stressed and so like at that tether,
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  Speaker 2: it's so hard to even consider any of those things. However,
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  Speaker 2: I believe when it comes to self pleasure, it kind
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  Speaker 2: of needs to be one of those things you have
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  Speaker 2: to make time for because you can only experience so
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  Speaker 2: much with your partner when you've only met yourself so deep,
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  Speaker 2: and so I think in my experience it's been being
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  Speaker 2: willing to bring that back in, create like a structure
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  Speaker 2: around that of like if you can. Obviously this is
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  Speaker 2: dependent on your time, so whatever that looks like for you,
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  Speaker 2: creating a thirty minute pocket where you're just like connecting
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  Speaker 2: with yourself, touching your body again, listening to music, putting
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  Speaker 2: on lingerie for yourself, or even just like trying to
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  Speaker 2: start instilling the behavior of you getting into that energy,
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  Speaker 2: but with yourself, not with your partner, Because if you
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  Speaker 2: can reconnect with yourself again, and then when you come
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  Speaker 2: to your partner, you're already going to be in that
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  Speaker 2: energy and you're not going to put pressure on him
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  Speaker 2: to activate that in you. Yeah, because that's going to
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  Speaker 2: put pressure on too. You're gonna be like, well, fuck,
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  Speaker 2: I don't feel good, I don't feel sexy, I don't
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  Speaker 2: feel this, and then you'd be like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 2: is it him?
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  Speaker 1: Is it me? Is it?
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  Speaker 2: What's wrong here? But if you can activate that energy
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  Speaker 2: already in yourself feeling safe again, which comes back to
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  Speaker 2: the breath, Like what Ash you were saying, bringing that
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  Speaker 2: energy back in, I think you'll be able to start
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  Speaker 2: getting there, but you really have to be okay like
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  Speaker 2: prioritizing that.
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  Speaker 1: And there's also other little things that I thought i'd
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  Speaker 1: quickly touch on too that have really helped me. Like
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  Speaker 1: sometimes if I've had a really big day, I'll pull
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  Speaker 1: up not outside my house, because as soon as I'm home,
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  Speaker 1: the kid's like, am home, exciting and it's mum mode
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  Speaker 1: straight on after work. So I'll pull up like down
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  Speaker 1: the end of the street and just sit in my
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  Speaker 1: calf for five minutes and just like whether it's music
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  Speaker 1: it's my favorite song or it's just nature sounds or something,
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  Speaker 1: I just close my eyes and I just like breathe,
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  Speaker 1: and I imagine myself and visualize myself transitioning from work
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  Speaker 1: into mum and feminine. And sometimes when I get home,
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  Speaker 1: it's straight in the shower too, becau just want to
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  Speaker 1: get out of what I was in for the work
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  Speaker 1: today and then hop in whether it's a silky robe
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  Speaker 1: or it's a silky nighty, or it's just comfortable pajamas,
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  Speaker 1: but it's like once again, I've transitioned out of work
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  Speaker 1: being on into like more soft, flowy. I light some candles,
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  Speaker 1: I put some tailor swift in the background, and I
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  Speaker 1: create a more soft environment for myself to be in
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  Speaker 1: and only you know what that feels like. But once again,
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  Speaker 1: it's these little micro moments. And the way I learned
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  Speaker 1: this is every time I went around to my friend
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  Speaker 1: Magsie's house and she still does it. She's either nude
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  Speaker 1: and I go love going to her house, She's like welcome,
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  Speaker 1: or she's in something really soft and feminine. It's never
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  Speaker 1: tight active where it's never something restrictive like jeans. It's
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  Speaker 1: always flowy and soft. That's why she's need a lot too,
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  Speaker 1: because there's no restriction. But it's always a million candle's going.
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  Speaker 1: There's always soft music in the background, or like a
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  Speaker 1: chime or something that's like making sounds with the wind.
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  Speaker 1: It's always very dim lighting, moody lamps, and I always
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  Speaker 1: feel so relaxed there. And if I go there, I'm like, ah,
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  Speaker 1: I fall asleep. My body is like, oh, you're safe
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  Speaker 1: to stop and slow down now. Yeah, I thought, if
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  Speaker 1: I feel like that there, why didn't I start bringing
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  Speaker 1: that more home? So there's that kind of stuff you
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  Speaker 1: can do. And then even little things like when you
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  Speaker 1: apply your moisturizer or your body oil, actually take the time,
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  Speaker 1: don't just slap it on and rub it in and
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  Speaker 1: get out to the kids. And if your kids are
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  Speaker 1: with you, you can still take your time with that.
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  Speaker 1: Put some music on, take your time just to rub
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  Speaker 1: it in and actually just like love on yourself. I
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  Speaker 1: would love for you to start implementing for the next
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  Speaker 1: thirty days, write down five of these things that I've suggested,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: and just start implementing those and start to see how
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  Speaker 1: you feel. And the Natural's also going to really help
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: some guessing She's going to give you supplements and different
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: things to help help you with your body as well.
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  Speaker 1: So doing all of that, I think you'll feel a
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  Speaker 1: lot different. And then where in your life can you
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  Speaker 1: delegate or get rid of some of the stresses, whether
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: it's in your business, like we've just hired someone, yeah
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  Speaker 1: she only does like five hours week. Sometimes the difference
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: it's made for us all lightening of the load, Well,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: just do each that we don't want to do. Causes
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  Speaker 1: are stress that she's really great at, she loves doing.
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  Speaker 2: It's the decision fatigue.
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  Speaker 1: Oh oh my gosh, it is game change. Are So just
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: where in your life can you lighten your load a
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  Speaker 1: little bit? And ask yourself, like, do I actually have
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  Speaker 1: to do all of this? Is there some things I'm
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: being not over the top, but doing more than what
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  Speaker 1: I actually need to and what is more important to
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: me right now? Because I know, even for me, like
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: closing down a business that was successful and that I
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: did love aspects of it, like letting all that go
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: just created so much more time and space for my
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: kids and for myself and for my relationship. And because
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: I didn't have the stress of managing the team and
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: the logistics and talking to China and the finances, I
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: felt like there was more capacity for me to just
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: like check in with myself because I wasn't checking with
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: everything else that was going on. So it was a
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: hard decision to make, and yeah it was hard, but
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: it was so beneficial for me my body and I
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: value connection, I value intimacy, I value my relationships, I
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: value my health. I value just actually being able to
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  Speaker 1: enjoy what I do day to day. So it could
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: be a huge moment of like, WHOA, what I'm doing
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  Speaker 1: is not fucking working? What do I need to change?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: I love that. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
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  Speaker 1: It can be uncomfortable and you can have resistance to
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: let things go, but I'll get really clear on what
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: you're value by the sounds that you value the similar
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: things that we value and feeling good and being connected
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: and also talking to your husband about it too. Is
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: there ways where he can help Sometimes us women don't
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: want to ask for help, but we are allowed to receive.
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  Speaker 2: I'd be curious to know as well, because you came
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  Speaker 2: in with your submission saying stating like I'm emotionally unavailable.
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  Speaker 2: I'd be curious to know, like what kind of caused
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: you to close up?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: You know, is there something that's going on?
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  Speaker 1: And that's true? Seven?
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it might even be with your husband. Is there
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: something that has happened or consistently over time where there's
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: been a lack of trust or a breakdown of trust
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: or something like that, Because when we think about emotional unavailability,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: it's because there's something there that has hurt us that
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: we are now trying to protect ourselves from. Yes, So
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I wonder if you could get curious on that,
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: is it? Explore that? Can you journal it? Hey? Like, okay,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: if I'm honest with myself, what might I be running from?
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: What am I afraid to look at what am I
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: scared is going to come up? And I think you'll
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: find a lot of the answers in that as well,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: especially if it has to do with your husband, because
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: if you're finding that resistance with him, it may have
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: something to do with him, which is once.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Again putting you a fight or flight because you're scared
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: of your safety. I'm not saying physical safety, but your
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: body is like, oh, I don't feel good to let
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: go and open up to you. Absolutely, you can still
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: love him so hard, oh, like doesn't take away the love.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: If there's resistance from broken trust or something or built
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: up resentment, that's also something you guys get to work on.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, yeah, Yeah, that's definitely one way for your
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: body to be like Nope, as.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Long as you're both willing, yes, always talk about this.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: It's just a Willingness's a big one. If one is
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: not willing, it will not work. Absolutely, yeah, West helpful.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: We'd love an update with any up. We often get asking. Yeah,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: if we have an update on this girling up, we
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: don't get up, we don't get them in. We would
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: love an update to see how you go. And it's like,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I know, really special to be a part of someone's journey.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: And if something we say can help you, if it's
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: one little thing we'd love to know, let us know.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week.