Latest / Doing Marriage Well / The Root Causes Behind Emotional and Sexual Disconnects

Transcript

The Root Causes Behind Emotional and Sexual Disconnects · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  Doing Marriage Well for August 13, 2026 The Root Cause Behind Emotional and Sexual Disconnects,
• 0:07
  If emotional and sexual connections are so important in marriage,
• 0:10
  why is it so common for one or both to be limited or missing in marriages?
• 0:14
  If your spouse isn't giving you one of these in the way you need, there is a reason.
• 0:18
  They don't care is not usually the reason. And while selfishness is probably
• 0:22
  at play, it's not usually the primary reason.
• 0:25
  As I run through various reasons, ask yourself if each exists in your spouse's
• 0:28
  life. If you identify the reason and deal with it, change becomes possible.
• 0:33
  If you have realized you are shorting your spouse sexually or emotionally,
• 0:36
  ask yourself if any of what follows is true for you.
• 0:40
  If so, you probably need to deal with that to be able to make a change on what
• 0:43
  you are shorting your spouse.
• 0:45
  Not knowing. It's difficult to think someone would have no idea sexual or emotional
• 0:49
  connections are important in marriage.
• 0:51
  However, it's common to think one of them is far less important than it is.
• 0:55
  Often this is because the person who feels that way has little use for the thing.
• 0:59
  While feeling that way is valid, it doesn't mean the person doesn't need help.
• 1:03
  God created us to need and desire these things. And if the need and desire are
• 1:07
  lacking for either, the individual may need professional help.
• 1:11
  Bad teaching. If you were raised being told emotions are silly or sex is bad,
• 1:16
  you won't want to engage in that thing.
• 1:19
  Maybe you know what you were taught is wrong, but it's still in your head and messes with you. Fear.
• 1:24
  If there was sexual abuse in someone's past, being sexual may scare them.
• 1:28
  Perhaps they manage it when things are going well, but during difficult times
• 1:32
  they can't. This also tends to become a bigger issue over time.
• 1:36
  Emotional harm in the past can cause the same thing for being able to connect emotionally.
• 1:40
  Feeling unable A person can understand the need for these forms of connection,
• 1:44
  but feel unable to do one.
• 1:46
  I discussed this yesterday for emotional connection, and sexual connection is
• 1:49
  similar. We don't enjoy doing things we feel we do poorly.
• 1:54
  Retribution Often we limit or withhold one of the connections because our spouse
• 1:58
  limits or withholds the other.
• 2:00
  However, this is not always done intentionally.
• 2:03
  The lack of emotional connection makes it difficult for a woman to be sexual,
• 2:06
  and the lack of sexual connection makes it difficult for a man to connect emotionally.
• 2:10
  This can become a vicious spiral.
• 2:12
  Too busy. Most folks are doing way too much. That can leave a person without
• 2:17
  the time or energy to engage in emotional or sexual connection as much as they should.
• 2:22
  Selfishness. This is usually a secondary factor, adding to one of the others.
• 2:27
  However, any of the other reasons can become justification for being selfish.
• 2:31
  Love puts the other ahead of self, especially for strong means.
• 2:34
  If you can identify an issue, work at it.
• 2:37
  If you can't get any traction, seek help. This is Paul, and doing marriage well requires connection.