Latest / Just Listen To Me / When ADHD Affects Love: Understanding the Imbalance
Transcript
- Julia Shay: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen To Me. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. Today I want to gently open up a conversation around something I'm seeing more and more in the therapy room and that's neurodiversity in relationships. This is a big topic. and it's one I'll likely come back to over multiple episodes. But today, we're going to focus specifically on ADHD. So if you've ever found yourself thinking, why does this feel so uneven? Why am I carrying so much? Or on the other side, why can't I seem to follow through no matter how hard I try? then this episode is for you. There's been a noticeable increase in ADHD diagnoses in recent years. And in the counseling room, that increase is very real. Now there are a lot of opinions around why this is happening. Some people question whether social media has led to over-identification or self-diagnosis based on short form content. And yes, that can happen, but there are also very legitimate reasons for the increase. We're seeing better diagnostic criteria, increased awareness, reduced stigma, and importantly, better identification in women and adults who were previously missed. So this isn't a simple conversation, it's nuanced, and that nuance matters. especially in couples work. In my work, one of the first things I gently clarify is whether someone has received a formal diagnosis. Not to invalidate anyone's experience, but because it directly shapes how we approach the work. There's a difference between I relate to this content online and I've gone through a comprehensive diagnostic process. And sometimes There are couples sitting in front of me where ADHD is clearly impacting the relationship, but it hasn't been identified yet. In those moments, part of my role is to gently name what might be happening and support that person towards proper assessment. Because without clarity, couples often personalise what is actually neurological. And that's where a lot of pain begins. So let's slow this down. What does ADHD actually look like inside a relationship? Because it's not just a diagnosis, it's lived experience. And often it shows up in ways that feel deeply personal. Things like forgetting commitments, struggling to follow through on promises, Chronic disorganisation, difficulty focusing during conversations, emotional intensity or sensitivity to perceived criticism, financial impulsivity, exhaustion that impacts intimacy. And for many people with ADHD, what can look like an overreaction on the surface is actually something called rejection sensitivity. where the nervous system responds very intensely to the feeling of being criticized, dismissed, or not enough. And over time, these moments don't just stay as moments. They start to form meaning. The non-ADHD partner might begin to feel, I can't rely on you. I don't feel prioritized. I feel alone in this. And the ADHD partner might feel, I'm constantly failing. I can't get this right. I'm never enough. And this is where we need to go deeper because the biggest issue I see is not just the behaviors themselves. It's what those behaviors create in the relationship. Over time, many couples fall into what we call a parent-child dynamic. One partner becomes the organizer, the manager, the one holding everything together, and the other partner feels increasingly monitored, corrected, or inadequate. And what gets lost is the sense of being equals. What gets eroded is romantic and sexual intimacy. Because it's very hard to feel desire. when you feel like you're parenting your partner. I once worked with a same-sex couple where this dynamic was playing out in a really painful way. The non-ADHD partner had grown up in a home where she had to become the adult very early. Her mum struggled with mental health. And without anyone naming it, she became responsible. She held things together. She stepped in. She carried more than she should have. So fast forward into her adult relationship and her partner who had unmanaged ADHD would forget things, not follow through, struggle with consistency and suddenly she wasn't just responding to the present moment, she was back in something much older. That feeling of, have to do everything, I'm on my own, I can't rely on anyone. And so she moved into anger, control, resentment. But underneath that was something much quieter. I don't feel supported. I don't feel safe to let go. On the other side, her partner had her own history. She had grown up with a father who had made her feel like she was never good enough. Standards were high. And when she didn't meet them, There was punishment or withdrawal. So when her partner confronted her, it didn't just feel like feedback. It felt like I'm failing again. I'm not enough. I'm about to be rejected. And so she shut down. This is the negative cycle. So what we have here is not just ADHD. We have attachment wounds, nervous system responses, and a negative cycle that locks them in. The more one partner pushes, the more the other withdraws. The more the withdrawer pulls away, the more the pursuer escalates. And ADHD, it can act as the spark. but it's not the whole fire. And I want to name something really clearly here. ADHD is not an attachment style, but it does interact with attachment in ways that can deeply shape the cycle. And if we don't understand that properly, we either reduce everything to behavior or overlook the neurological reality entirely. And neither of those approaches will actually help the couple. And this part really matters. Understanding ADHD is not about excusing behaviour, but it is about responding to it appropriately. Because insight on its own, without support, without structure, still leaves both partners hurting. And over time, that hurt turns into disconnection. So where do we begin? Not with blame, but with small, meaningful shifts. Things like creating external structure instead of relying on memory, slowing conversations down so they're actually reachable, and moving from criticism into vulnerability. From you never follow through to I feel alone. when I can't rely on you. That shift changes everything. Because one of the most powerful moments in this work is when each partner begins to see differently. When the non-ADHD partner realises it's not that you don't care, it's that something is getting in the way of consistency. And when the ADHD partner realises you're not trying to control me. you're trying to feel safe with me. That's the moment the cycle begins to soften. Because here's the truth. Many people are drawn to their ADHD partner because of their traits. The creativity, the spontaneity, the warmth, the aliveness. But over time, without support, those same traits can become dysregulated. And the issue becomes not the ADHD itself, but the feeling that nothing is being done to manage its impact. And that's where partners begin to feel abandoned. Not because of the diagnosis, but because of the lack of repair. So if you're listening to this and recognizing parts of your own relationship, I just want to gently say this. This is workable, but it requires understanding, structure and emotional safety, not blame, not shame and not oversimplification. Because most couples I see aren't struggling with a lack of love, they're struggling with patterns that make love feel hard. Thank you for sitting with a complex topic today. and we'll keep unpacking this together. I'll see you soon with another episode.