Latest / D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM / Navigating Stress Before It Happens in D/s Relationships

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Navigating Stress Before It Happens in D/s Relationships · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

0:11
You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast, episode 360 6. Okay.
0:14
The Lord's here with the one, the only,
0:16
the you always look really good after you cut your hair. John Brownstone.
0:19
Thank you. Sorry to podcast listeners who can't see you, ,
0:23
but I can see you and you look divine.
0:26
Oh, haircut and beard trim. Yep. Yep.
0:28
Velcro head now. Yeah. So things get stuck on it. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
0:31
. And your beard's a little short, but, you know, hair grows.
0:34
And I'll be happy when it's longer. .
0:38
.
0:39
Because it's all about making me happy.
0:42
Oh, is that what it is?
0:43
No, but I like to pretend. Okay. Yeah. .
0:47
How can it not be all about making your baby girl happy? You're a daddy dom.
0:51
You're supposed to be a nurturer, a caregiver.
0:55
But then I have to feed that sadist in. Me too. You know? Well.
0:58
You get, you get your rocks off as a sadist in other ways.
1:02
just.
1:03
I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
1:06
Carry on. Girl.
1:08
. This week we're not talking about any of that .
1:12
We're actually talking about something we've mentioned in many, many,
1:16
many past episodes, usually kind of in passing. Uh,
1:19
and we're gonna focus on it this week.
1:20
And that is the importance of trying to talk in advance
1:25
about common and known potential stressful situations before they happen.
1:30
So you can kind of figure out how you'll handle them and still navigate your
1:35
power exchange and maybe not get into an unnecessary fight.
1:38
Ask us how we know about unnecessary arguments, ,
1:41
because we were both stressed .
1:44
So that's what we are talking about this week.
1:47
Welcome to the Living B D S M podcast. This is your first time listening.
1:50
Glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back.
1:52
Loving B D S M is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education.
1:56
And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
1:58
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app.
2:01
You can also follow the show on Twitter if you want to,
2:05
and it hasn't burned down to the ground by the time you can hear our voice at
2:08
Loving BDSM on Fat Life at Loving BDSM PC that stands for podcast
2:13
Y'all on Instagram and technically threads at that handle.
2:17
I will Forever fucking Hate Loving dss. And the number one,
2:20
so it's at Loving DS one, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm,
2:25
where you can watch us live. Stream the podcast every Wednesday.
2:27
All links are in the show notes.
2:29
And now that the magic button has been hit, I have got to turn that fan on.
2:33
You're gonna hit another magic button. Yeah, but not the magic button,
2:36
because that would not be appropriate for either the podcast or the YouTube
2:39
channel. . Um, yeah. Also, I, before you try and touch the magic button,
2:44
I need to have my medication adjusted.
2:46
So I actually want the magic button to be touched again, , like,
2:50
I want to want to mm-hmm. . It's frustrating 'cause I'm like,
2:54
but no, look at him. He's being all like cute and sweet and sexy and like daddy.
2:57
Like, and not even a sadist. And also the other part of me is like,
3:01
but he's gotta stop. So , we're gonna,
3:04
we're gonna work on that 7:15 AM doctor's appointment on Thursday to work on
3:09
that. Okay. That has nothing to do with this week except episode. Wow.
3:14
It's just, it's on my mind. It's on my mind. Wow. Okay.
3:19
So before we get into this week's episode, um,
3:23
announcement ish, we've sponsored ourselves, again,
3:26
it's not really a sponsorship when you yourself own the business. Uh,
3:30
we did share these and show these off, um,
3:34
on the Friday night live stream. What was that? The 15th, September 15th, um,
3:39
for the Kry, we have, uh,
3:42
made seasonal diabolical sticks. If you're like,
3:45
what the fuck is a diabolical stick? It's, uh,
3:47
a stick that really fucking hurts and is worse than an evil stick. Um,
3:51
our diabolical sticks have resin, um,
3:55
tips on the end, so that what you're getting hit with is a hard piece of resin.
4:01
Um,
4:01
and we made Halloween ones and we've actually sold probably half or a little
4:06
bit over half, and it's a limited quantity. So it's like,
4:09
if you want to be hit or hit your partner consensually
4:14
with something very hard and painful, uh, and you want it to,
4:19
to be spooky themed and seasonal, and, you know, halloweeny, uh,
4:24
get thee to the kry .
4:26
Get, get 'em while they're hot.
4:27
Um, we did on our social media, there's a,
4:31
a video we did doing a demo. Um, you demoed the four main styles on my forearm.
4:36
'cause that's what was safe for social media. Uh,
4:38
the marks lasted for three days, and I still have, um, we did that on Saturday.
4:43
This is Wednesday. I actually have a small bruise left over .
4:46
I think the bruise came from you overlapped in one spot,
4:50
the skull and the ghost. Yes.
4:52
And that the two together was hard enough to make a bruise.
4:55
The tombstone let almost broke my skin, which was like,
5:00
never our plan. 'cause we don't really play with that. Mm-hmm. .
5:02
But, and then there were,
5:04
the design of the tombstone had a bunch of lines and you could see each line,
5:08
each line on my forearm. It.
5:09
Was a wonderful thing.
5:10
Yeah. It's, it's very painful. . Um,
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we don't actually play with them in our scenes 'cause that's a hard no for me.
5:18
But I will demo them because, you know, I, I am that kind of masochist.
5:23
Um, I'm a MAs living in a capitalistic society. Okay. .
5:28
If we make it, I wanna sell it, so. Sure. Um, so yeah, if, uh,
5:33
you like to be hit or to hit others consensually with very painful things,
5:38
and you wanna make that Halloween, uh, the link is in the places,
5:42
or you can just go to the kry.com.
5:44
There's literally right at the top of the page, like a picture.
5:47
Just tap on that. So yeah, we air quote, sponsored ourselves.
5:52
Um, so let's actually get into, uh, this week's episode.
5:58
Um, and it is inspired once again by therapy,
6:03
Jeff, I really should actually follow him,
6:05
but my personal Instagram account got, uh, booted. Yeah.
6:08
And so I haven't created a new personal Instagram account because,
6:12
so I'm lurking on all of my brand accounts, ,
6:18
uh, and therapy. Jeff is back in, in my algorithmic feed. Um,
6:23
I've linked to the reel that caught my attention in the show notes and, uh,
6:28
in the description box, uh, for YouTube. Um, and he did a,
6:32
a video of 11 stressful scenarios and situations. He was like,
6:36
go ahead and talk to your partner about these now before you're in them so you
6:41
can kind of discuss how you wanna navigate them. And I went, Ooh,
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some of these are absolutely things we've gone through, , , uh,
6:48
and I don't know that we've ever formally discussed them. Huh.
6:51
And then I thought about kink and power exchange specific scenarios mm-hmm.
6:56
. And I was like, Ooh, we should talk about those too.
6:58
So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go over,
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we took inspiration from his reel. Some of the, um, scenarios he suggested,
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we added some kink ones. We are going to model the conversation.
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This is not meant for anybody to go, yes,
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we should do it like Kayla and jb mm-hmm. ,
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you should do it the way that works for you. Um,
7:18
and probably to think of relationship specific
7:23
scenarios that aren't on this list. 'cause there are so many there. I mean,
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I probably could have spent five minutes and come up with another 20.
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I didn't wanna do an episode on that many though. Excuse me. Um,
7:34
are you checking on your dog? Oh, she's going outside. Sorry.
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JB has left the microphone podcast listeners.
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I know you can't see that because that Gruy sound in the background was Lola and
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wasn't at the door. She was at my feet, but she was talking to us.
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So, um, anybody already in a long-term relationship,
7:53
you have probably faced most of the common stressful
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situations. Um, and you've probably already figured out how to,
8:02
to handle each other when you can see those on the horizon or you're in the
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thick of it.
8:08
I do think this is still beneficial for long-term relationships because a couple
8:12
of these things we have gone through,
8:15
we have navigated them sometimes well, and sometimes not so well,
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and have never had an,
8:20
a formal conversation about how we would ideally like to navigate these things,
8:25
especially within the context of our power exchange. So, you know,
8:29
I think this is one that's great for new power exchange relationships,
8:33
but also long-term folk. Oh yeah.
8:35
If you keep finding yourself in the middle of a battle and you resolve
8:40
it, great. That's wonderful. But it ke Yeah. Yeah. Um,
8:44
so we're gonna start going through these,
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and this is just our thoughts on how we would like to navigate these things.
8:52
And it may not be how we've actually navigated them in the past, .
8:58
So, okay. The first one, stressful situation number one. Yeah.
9:03
How would you, like,
9:05
how would we like to handle when we individually are around a family member who
9:10
upsets us, stresses us is a trigger for us because of childhood stuff.
9:15
Um, how, how, from, from your perspective, uh,
9:19
JB how would you like me to be for you? Show up for you?
9:24
Well, um, we actually went through this.
9:29
We go through this a lot. . I.
9:31
Go through this a lot lately. Um, and,
9:36
and at one point I actually did, um,
9:40
say to you on, on the way there
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to where we were gonna be spending a day with one such said family member
9:47
mm-hmm. . And, um, I, I told you, I said, uh,
9:52
baby girl is my submissive. I need, I'm giving you a task
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and you know how this person pushes my buttons
10:04
and can get me wound up from zero to 60 and mm-hmm.
10:08
0.2 seconds mm-hmm. . And, um,
10:13
if you see me getting wound up and, and getting,
10:17
starting to dig my heels in and, and be unreasonable,
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I need you to step in and say, Hey, time out. Mm-hmm. .
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And I knowing that you can have the best intentions,
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and he could give me that permission while things are calm.
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And then in the moment when everything is heated and blood pressure is up
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mm-hmm. , I could do that and he could reject that,
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or he might not like the way I did it. So my counter to that was . Okay.
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But if I have to get a little pushy or a little forceful,
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or you don't like what I say in the moment, will you accept what I say?
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And we can discuss it later. If something didn't quite go to plan,
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like if I'm truly in your face going, whoa, whoa, whoa. Right. Time out,
10:58
back off , are you gonna accept that? Right.
11:01
Because as the submissive in the relationship Yes.
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We have what we call the tough love clause. If you're new here,
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it's way back in the archive. Mm-hmm. ,
11:09
like while episodes were still two digits kind of in the archive.
11:14
And that's usually used for illness. Correct. Mental or physical. Yeah. Like,
11:18
if you're not taking care of yourself, I step in and go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:21
This is what needs to happen. Mm-hmm. . Um, but this was a,
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a familial situation where I'm not really part of that, that at all.
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Um, I'm, and I'm looked at by your family members as an outsider, um, yeah.
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.
11:35
And so what I didn't want to have happen was to follow your directive
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and do what you told me to do, but then in the heat of the moment,
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have it thrown back at me. And now we are in an argument.
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So I did ask for clarification. Um,
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and I did kind of use it because you did.
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It's one of the few times I'm not objective because you are my priority.
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You are the one I love,
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but I'm a little bit more objective than somebody who would've known both of you
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for let's say 20 years. Yeah.
12:05
Because I can kind of see things about some of your family members that you just
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can't, you're in the thick of it.
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And so I watched your hackles go up and your blood
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pressure,
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And I felt like I could kind of understand where the family member was coming
12:21
from. And I was like, O okay. He gave me permission. I swooped in.
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And I like negotiated that so that you felt heard,
12:30
she felt heard, and then there was kind of a solution at the end. Yeah.
12:33
So it did work out, um, from my go ahead.
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I mean, on, on another aspect of that too was, um,
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a trip I had taken back in August. Uh, and,
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and what helped me there to relieve a lot
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of the stress was being able to call you mm-hmm. , you know, and,
12:57
and text you to be able to vent Yeah. And, and, and get things off, you know,
13:01
some things off and mm-hmm. and, and out. Um,
13:05
rather than just let them kind of sit there and, and,
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and fester and, and build.
13:11
Yeah. And there's also that fine line.
13:14
I will always have your back be in your corner. First and foremost,
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I have mm-hmm. not great opinions about your family in general,
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which.
13:23
Okay. Neither do I.
13:24
Right. Which I like. We, we are in a situation,
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I have the freedom to feel that way. You do not get upset on their behalf.
13:31
You don't have the feeling like only you get to dislike mm-hmm. .
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I, I watch myself. I'm not gonna bad mouth anybody,
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but I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything . So, you know,
13:40
in a way it's easy for you to call and vent and me
13:45
to go, yeah, you're right. That fucking sucks. But I've also had to learn,
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'cause my analytical brain likes to make sense of shit and, you know mm-hmm.
13:53
20 years ago, I spent two years focused on psychology.
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So I think I know something and I like to like figure that stuff out.
14:00
And I've had to learn over the years.
14:02
That's most of the time is actually not the right time to dissect your family
14:07
psychologically to you. Yeah. , what you need is for me to go, yeah.
14:11
They fucking suck for that shit. And just to let you vent .
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And if it ever seems a like the right time to talk about that other part,
14:19
then we can Yeah. Yeah. But yeah.
14:22
Yeah. One, once, once you know,
14:24
you're away from the situation and not having to be in the thick of things,
14:27
you know, then, then it's okay to.
14:29
Kind of Exactly. And I will never be the one who goes, well,
14:32
you should be over this by now, or,
14:34
I can't believe you're still hanging onto this. Or, why are you still, like,
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however he feels he gets to feel for as long as he needs to feel it.
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I am the one going,
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I think this is something to talk about with your therapist at your next
14:46
session, . But I don't, I'm not,
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I I don't try to like, push you to like get over it faster or, you know,
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even if can see the other family member's side, and sometimes I can.
14:59
True.
15:00
You being upset in the moment is never the time for me to go by the way.
15:05
Uh, that is for another time. And I think that's another way we've,
15:08
we've navigated it from my perspective. Um, I have like this teeny tiny,
15:13
itty bitty little family. If I did not give birth to or marry people there,
15:18
it'd be three of us. Um, and they don't really stress me out. Like,
15:23
I have one family member that every once in a while will stress me out. Um,
15:25
but not to the extent that I'm ranting or raving or like pissed off about
15:30
anything. It's more of a sigh and an eye roll and then we move on.
15:34
So I don't have anything that I,
15:36
I think if you just do for me what I do for you, we'll be.
15:39
Fine. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I think the biggest thing we had with,
15:42
with your family, uh, going back a few years ago was when we,
15:47
the evil stepdad, when when we used to go to visit and Yeah. Yeah. And,
15:51
you know, we kind of had to discuss how we were going to, um,
15:58
maintain our DSS on the down low.
16:00
Yeah. And that's more of a we're in a vanilla situation. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.
16:04
But like the evil stepdad could absolutely get me get,
16:08
get my blood pressure up and get me like just ranting, loved,
16:12
he was a but button pusher from way back.
16:15
I don't count that as we have to navigate. Like, here's,
16:18
let me tell you how to navigate that. 'cause we don't navigate at that anymore.
16:21
And his, um, IER is, uh, directed at both of us. Yeah.
16:26
So we're in it together. So it's like me mm-hmm. ,
16:28
he's now a non-entity to me. Me, uh,
16:31
and the family members I do like come to my house, so it's fine. Yeah.
16:35
That's true. So , I don't have, I mean,
16:37
do for me what I do for you and we'll be fine. Yeah. So here's the next one.
16:41
And this one's deeply.
16:42
Personal. I, I, yeah. I saw that. I, I read ahead and I saw that one. I was.
16:46
Like, oh,
16:47
my stressful situation that anybody who has to earn money in a capitalist
16:50
society,
16:51
will feel the stress of being overwhelmed by your job
16:56
or just your career choice profession. Like,
16:58
we work for ourselves so we don't Yeah. You know, it is and isn't the same,
17:02
so mm-hmm. , how would you like to navigate that kind of stress?
17:07
Oh.
17:07
Within our power.
17:09
Exchange, especially, what do you need from me?
17:11
Um, I, I think sometimes, and I'm,
17:14
I'm trying to do better at this,
17:18
my biggest stress with, with everything is that I do,
17:23
um, at certain points become overwhelmed. Mm.
17:27
Mm-hmm. . Yes, you do.
17:29
I, um, there, there's so much going on trying to keep things stuck,
17:33
keep up with, with, with, um, you know, inlay orders,
17:38
keeping, you know, custom orders, this, that, and
17:45
it, it can become overwhelming for me.
17:49
And
17:51
I have a history of holding that overwhelm in.
17:57
Until you explode.
17:58
Right? Mm-hmm. .
17:58
Mm-hmm. . Right. I know ,
18:01
I usually get your explosion all over me. It's sticky. I know .
18:07
I know.
18:08
.
18:11
And, and I, I am really trying to do better
18:17
at just letting you know, it's like, you know, hey,
18:21
I'm in a space where I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now.
18:24
I know. And I appreciate that.
18:26
I'm trying to do better at not immediately trying to fix it for you,
18:29
because it's easy to have all the answers when it's not your overwhelm. Yeah.
18:34
And I know that on the rare occasion, you've, I don't think it's intentional.
18:37
You've,
18:38
but you've given me a little bit of my own back when I've been overwhelmed.
18:40
I'm like, this is not fucking helpful. You're just overwhelming me more. Right.
18:45
And I do try to remember that in.
18:46
A moment. And, and, and sometimes
18:49
more times than not just telling you mm-hmm. that I'm overwhelmed.
18:53
Mm-hmm. helps relieve a lot of the overwhelm. Right.
18:57
'Cause you're not holding onto it by yourself. Right.
18:58
You're not carrying it by yourself. And sometimes it, I enjoy,
19:02
I don't enjoy it, but I I appreciate the, the whatever of it you'll say,
19:07
oh my God, I'm so overwhelmed. And I'm like, yeah, me too.
19:12
And we realize, especially 'cause we own our own business mm-hmm. .
19:15
So that's unique to, I have a job outside of the home versus whatever,
19:20
but once you will say you're overwhelmed,
19:24
it's way easier for me to say that I'm overwhelmed.
19:26
And then when we're in the right head space,
19:29
and I would prefer we do this always,
19:31
sometimes we'll just sit and talk about it together,
19:33
either to bitch and vent or to strategize mm-hmm. .
19:37
But it's sort of the reminder that, oh, wait, I feel that way too. You know?
19:41
Yeah. Um, maybe for different reasons in our line of work,
19:45
it's always for the same reason. We are overwhelmed.
19:49
The the core reason is the same. Yeah. Um,
19:52
but getting to just share that with you mm-hmm.
19:54
and there not be judgment and there not be, well,
19:56
let me tell you how to fix it. Or Right. Here's why you shouldn't feel that way.
20:00
Like, that ne that does not come out of our mouths. Mm-hmm. ,
20:02
especially when it comes to this. Um,
20:05
and then just working through it together,
20:08
even if what we have is just a bitch session,
20:10
like just 15 minutes of just complaining mm-hmm. , um, the,
20:13
the being reminded we're in it together.
20:15
Correct it instead of me carrying my overwhelm and you carrying your
20:20
overwhelm and it crashing us.
20:21
We're carrying it together and it feels more bearable.
20:26
So, yeah. I'm with you. Um,
20:30
I don't know if this is the baby girl in me, .
20:34
This thing.
20:35
I
20:38
usually crave when I'm in stress over work stuff.
20:43
It's two things.
20:44
A diet Coke, , .
20:47
Three things.
20:51
validation of feeling seen. Right. Because part of it,
20:56
from my perspective, both as a service of, and somebody who's just a,
21:00
a woman in today's society, um,
21:04
I don't always feel like the amount of work I take on and the things I take
21:09
on are seen at the same level because ,
21:12
'cause you and I have had these arguments where I end up going, well, yes,
21:15
I am also stressed about work too. You are not alone. However, are you also,
21:19
and then I do my laundry list of the other things I take on. Yeah.
21:22
Because at that point I've,
21:23
I've tried to like repress my overwhelm and my resentment,
21:28
and then it just, it comes out.
21:30
So what helps me is when you validate and go, you're right.
21:35
You do a lot, you do a lot around here. I'd be overwhelmed too. And, and I,
21:40
I want it to be genuine. And the, the times you've said it, it has been genuine,
21:43
you'll say things like, I don't know how you do it.
21:46
I don't know that I could do it. Mm-hmm.
21:48
feeling seen in those moments and having the weight that I carry
21:52
acknowledged, whew. That could be a kink of mine. like,
21:57
yes, please. And thank you . Um,
22:01
when I get little treats, with not the kind where I'm like, daddy,
22:05
will you bring me a treat home? But like, I'm, we are not even talking about it.
22:08
I'm just focused. And then you walk in in the door and you're like, here,
22:11
I thought of you. I knew this would make you happy. Like,
22:14
I thought of you and I knew this would make you happy, wonderful.
22:17
In any scenario,
22:20
but a high stress thing where you know that I'm barely stopping for lunch.
22:24
I'm going from one thing to the next.
22:26
I'm navigating how I'm supposed to get all this work done and working on all
22:29
these ideas that we've mutually agreed I'm gonna do mm-hmm.
22:32
and get a kid to a doctor's appointment and back and, and, and,
22:35
and, you know, we've talked about it.
22:38
There are certain things I could hand off, but we're be,
22:42
we're doing what we're best suited to. So it's like,
22:44
I'm actually best suited to do these things.
22:46
I wanna continue to do these things.
22:47
I just need a way to release the pressure. Mm-hmm.
22:52
every once in a while. And I am a big old baby girl.
22:55
You bring me a Diet Coke, coffee,
22:58
a something you do a little happy for me. Like that I wasn't thinking about,
23:02
wasn't expecting mm-hmm. , whatever, you know, I just,
23:05
I feel seen and I think that's what I need when I,
23:08
from a professional standpoint,
23:10
because so much of it also overlaps family standpoint. Mm-hmm.
23:13
when I, when what I do is acknowledge man, I am whew.
23:18
I'm good. And I, I I think that's, that's a very good point because
23:24
we, you know, in our own ways,
23:27
we each get wrapped up so much in what we're doing. Mm-hmm. ,
23:33
it's easy to overlook what the other person is doing. Oh.
23:36
Yeah. Especially once you're bogged down and you're stressed out and you're like
23:38
Right. Head down and Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's easy.
23:41
And I know this happens to me, it's easy to think, well,
23:43
I'm the only one doing a whole bunch. I'm the only one feeling this way.
23:47
I'm the only one going through it. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. .
23:49
And it goes back to when we, um,
23:53
talk about it and then can strategize together. It's a weight off.
23:57
Yeah. The feeling seen part is that too. Mm-hmm. . Okay.
24:00
This is when we've definitely gone through multiple times Yep.
24:04
And have never actually worked it out prior. those times when you're.
24:08
And, and, and see, I, I always kind of thought we had.
24:11
We never like purposely sat down mm-hmm. , we sometimes,
24:15
sometimes it sneaks up on us. And we hadn't even said what it is yet. .
24:18
Um, and we navigate with our, through our relationship, fine. But we,
24:23
it's not been a strategy, it's just a thing that worked out well. Yeah.
24:27
And that's when one of us is in pain, sick, feeling bad,
24:31
whether that's physically or mentally. Um,
24:34
and that kind of stressful situation where we're not at our best 'cause we don't
24:38
feel our like mm-hmm. .
24:39
We're not.
24:40
A peak. Anything. Um,
24:42
how would you like that stressful situation to be navigated?
24:47
Um, you know, to, to a certain extent. Um,
24:53
you know, there, there, like when you had your surgery, I mean,
24:58
we put things in place, you know? Yes.
25:00
Knowing that you were gonna be down for X amount of time. Mm-hmm. ,
25:04
you're gonna be very limited on the things that you could do. Mm-hmm.
25:07
, all right. Mm-hmm.
25:08
, that was one we could plan for. Right. And that was nice.
25:10
I liked that. Yeah.
25:11
And, and that was, that was very nice. Um, you know, we,
25:15
we did plan for it. Our plan
25:19
executed fairly well mm-hmm. .
25:20
Mm-hmm. .
25:22
Um, you know, so in, in that instance, I,
25:26
I think those things like that, we, and that's why I say to some extent,
25:31
I think we've kind of worked.
25:32
We do it well, but we there, that's the one offer we could plan for it. Yeah.
25:36
What about your motorcycle accident? Yeah. When your back went out? Um,
25:40
anytime I've had a migraine, the migraine one. Mm-hmm. ,
25:43
we had to do trial by fire because I don't tell you it took me years to go,
25:47
I have a fucking migraine. I can't even open my eyes. Right.
25:49
I would just try to power through 'cause that's what I'd done for years. Mm-hmm.
25:52
. But I was snapping and I was cranky,
25:55
and I wasn't my best submissive self. And you're like,
25:57
what the fuck is going on here?
25:59
Right. And then when I, and finally.
26:01
I go, my god, my head hurts.
26:02
And then when I finally did find out what it was, I was like, okay,
26:06
you need to go lay down. Right. And.
26:08
I'll take care of this. And Right.
26:10
Part of that was from years of just not having anybody who would pick up my
26:13
slack or could mm-hmm. or that I trusted to do it.
26:16
Part of it is just, you know, whatever the, the hurt, the pain,
26:19
the discomfort is when you, at that time, I mean,
26:23
headaches have been a part of my life since I was a little kid. Yeah.
26:26
Once it becomes air, quote normal mm-hmm. , you just like,
26:29
if you can, 'cause sometimes you physically am, if you can,
26:32
you just get the fuck on with it. Like, you.
26:34
Just got shit to do. The, the the worst thing in, in, in our relationship,
26:38
in our dynamic that we have when one of us gets, you know,
26:44
gets suddenly sick. I mean, thankfully for you, um, you know,
26:48
your surgery at that time was planned right.
26:51
And it went well. No hiccups or.
26:53
Anything. Um, you are a fairly healthy individual. Thank, thank you. Right.
26:56
Knock on.
26:56
Wood. Um, you know, that's, you don't, good luck. You don't, you don't get like,
27:00
you know, very sick very often. Um,
27:04
you know, so for you it's usually been, you know,
27:07
a day or two you have a migraine, you know, the next day you kind of have the,
27:11
the fog. Yeah. And.
27:11
The hardest part is me just admitting that I don't feel good and like,
27:14
just sitting still, you.
27:15
Know, as, as far as, um, you know, dealing with the household things,
27:21
I, I can very easily step in. Right. Because, and I, and I do, you know,
27:25
I make sure the boys are fed, I'm fed, we're fed, whatever.
27:28
'Cause our power exchange has never,
27:30
we did not fit our relationship power exchange or otherwise along stereotypical
27:35
societal views of what a man does, what a woman does. Mm-hmm. .
27:37
So you are a full partner in this. Really. I want to do certain things myself.
27:42
Thank you very much. Um, but yeah, so the thing is,
27:46
is that's us jumping in. Yeah.
27:48
What is the thing you need when we're in that situation and we couldn't plan for
27:53
it. Yeah. That's the thing.
27:58
I, and I was getting to that , and I,
28:02
I think the hardest part of that then circles back around
28:07
to what we do for work.
28:09
Mm.
28:10
Mm-hmm. , okay. Mm-hmm. , because we both know
28:14
I cannot step in and do the things that you do.
28:18
Right. And I can't do what you do.
28:20
and you can't step in and, and do what I,
28:22
when I do when I'm down for the count. Mm-hmm. , um, you know, I,
28:27
I don't know about you. I I know for me, with, with the accident,
28:32
it was tough because, you know, I,
28:36
I had to sit there mm-hmm. , I,
28:38
I could not do anything until I healed. Mm-hmm. ,
28:41
same thing with when my back went out, you know,
28:46
and, and I wanted to get back out there and work,
28:48
but I knew the worst thing I could do.
28:51
Right.
28:52
Was to do that. And
28:58
for me, I guess in that case, what I need the most is,
29:03
you know, Hey look, it's gonna be okay. Mm-hmm. .
29:06
Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Yep.
29:09
I don't need that so much as I need.
29:14
I need to be allowed to be worried about work. I need to be,
29:18
the worst thing that somebody can say to me is, don't worry about it.
29:23
Right. Or there's, there's no reason to be stressed. Actually.
29:26
There's every reason to be stressed. .
29:30
Yeah. Yeah.
29:31
'Cause especially in the way our life is set up, if we don't work,
29:35
we don't eat right. We, there's no money coming in if we're not Right. Working.
29:38
Right. Mm-hmm. . And that's true for lots of people,
29:41
not just business owners, because Sure.
29:42
If you work a job that doesn't offer you benefits or paid time off mm-hmm.
29:45
, if you don't go to work, your paycheck suffers. Right. Right.
29:48
That's, we're not unique in that mm-hmm. .
29:50
But I am going to be thinking about all the work that needs to be done.
29:55
When I'm finally bullied in,
29:57
you can tell how bad I feel by how little I'm thinking about work.
30:00
'cause when it's peak badness, I don't give a fuck.
30:03
I'm just laying You don't Yeah. Quietly and stuff. Which is unusual for you.
30:06
Your mind's always.
30:07
Right. But, you know, I don't,
30:09
I don't like being told not to worry about something that is a valid mm-hmm.
30:14
worry because then I feel I, I feel invalidated.
30:18
I don't feel seen. Yeah. Um,
30:21
I do appreciate you've done this before when I've been down for the count.
30:24
When we plan again, it goes back to, to talking and communicating and planning.
30:28
Yeah. We're like, okay, well how can I help you do something? What do you what?
30:32
Mm-hmm. What could I do? And quite frankly, what it ends up being is me going,
30:37
actually, could you cook dinner? Actually,
30:39
could you take care of this household thing?
30:41
And I'll focus on business and once we get caught up, then I can, you know,
30:46
that kind of thing. Um, or sometimes, uh,
30:50
I need you to make the decision, okay, we are not recording today.
30:54
We are not making that piece of content. We're not working today.
30:57
You're gonna sit still fine. And that's where I,
31:01
I'm grateful that you're the dominant and that
31:06
we co-own our business entities because Yeah.
31:09
You have full freedom to step in and go, Nope, we're just not doing shit today.
31:12
Mm-hmm. , but I'll do that for you.
31:14
I'll make that call in a heartbeat. You're not well, we're.
31:16
Not doing, doing it. You have done that before. Yeah.
31:18
I can make that call for you when you're sick or your mental health is bad,
31:23
or whatever's going on with you. Mm-hmm. ,
31:25
I can make that call for you better than I can make it for myself.
31:27
I have just the way I've been, I was raised the person I am, whatever it is,
31:32
I will do my best to power through until I collapse on the other side.
31:35
Yeah. And I, I, I agree with that, and I'm kind of the same way mm-hmm.
31:38
, but we, and I think that's the thing we just keep doing,
31:42
is allowing the other to go, Hey, wait, no, no. We're gonna, you need.
31:46
To sit down here still. We're, we're, we're,
31:48
we're we are our checks and balances. Yes.
31:50
Agreed. Okay. Here's one that we know all too well. .
31:55
The.
31:55
Next stressful situation. Uh, how would,
31:58
how can we navigate as Dom sub on those days when
32:03
everything that can go wrong does go wrong? . Damn.
32:06
You Murphy, .
32:09
I'll say this to the extent that we're able to mm-hmm.
32:12
keeping our sense of humor. Yeah.
32:14
Some days it's just too much shit all at once. Mm-hmm. for me,
32:18
it helps when I feel like we're in it together. Like, whatever,
32:23
whatever crazy day it's been, whatever stressful things going on,
32:27
if I feel like it's happening to us and it's us against the
32:31
crazy mm-hmm. , then I can keep my sense of humor much better.
32:35
And I don't feel alone when it's a thing where I feel like everything's been
32:38
happening to me. Yeah. Then I'm back to needing outside validation. Right. Like,
32:42
you're right. That is fucked up.
32:44
And, and, and to a certain extent, I need the same thing. Mm-hmm. ,
32:47
what I have started to learn about those times when
32:53
everything that can go wrong will go wrong and does go wrong. Mm-hmm.
32:57
. Mm-hmm. , um, is that
33:01
I have a history of trying to fight it and power through it and make it
33:06
right. Mm-hmm. , and that always does not work.
33:10
It often makes it worse. Yes.
33:12
Yes. So.
33:14
I, I have learned that when it gets to that point
33:19
that everything is fu barred mm-hmm. , I just need to step back,
33:23
lay, lay it down, step back. The.
33:25
Day is done. Yeah. The day is done. We are, we're ordering takeout. Mm-hmm.
33:28
, we're like, the bras coming off. Yeah. The PJs are on.
33:33
We're done. We're done. Right. The day has won mm-hmm. ,
33:37
we're gonna go Yeah. Uh, hunker down and try not to get any more on us. Right.
33:42
And, and you know, I, I have found that,
33:46
that by stepping back mm-hmm. and,
33:48
and laying it all down and walking away from it is the best thing I can do
33:52
because then when I come back to it the next day mm-hmm. ,
33:57
it's with fresh eyes mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
34:01
a quieter mind. Right. Maybe.
34:04
. Right. And maybe potential solutions have come to you at that point,
34:08
because Exactly. You stop trying to force it. Yeah. And you just took,
34:13
you rested for a minute mm-hmm. ,
34:15
and you went and did something like do a complete 180.
34:17
Like the nights we tend to find ourselves on a couch, just,
34:22
you know,
34:23
binge watching whatever are those times when we're everything else's gotta shut
34:27
the fuck up. Right. It's, it's too much. It's, you know,
34:30
I need to be able to turn my brain off for a minute mm-hmm.
34:33
and mm-hmm. . Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, yeah.
34:37
I agree with you completely there. I mean, I've, I used to not do it either,
34:40
and I've gotten better at going, yeah. That's clearly not happening today.
34:43
mm-hmm. , it'll be there tomorrow.
34:45
Because nothing that we do
34:48
rises to the level of genuine emergency.
34:51
We are not operating on people's brains here.
34:53
We are not sending people to a moon in a giant like explosive. Right.
34:58
Like, nothing we do .
35:01
is so mission.
35:03
Critical that it can't wait till tomorrow. True.
35:06
True.
35:06
True, true. I know.
35:07
It's very easy to feel like it's the most important thing
35:12
ever, ever, ever.
35:13
Well, you know. Yeah. Because you know what we do,
35:18
we do it ourselves, we do it on our own. So, you know.
35:24
Yes. It does feel critical.
35:26
And it, in a way it is critical. It is, yeah. It's critical to our goals.
35:29
It's critical to what we wanna do in life.
35:31
It's critical to the fucked up mess of our life that,
35:34
and we're trying to get out of it. Like it's critical to those things,
35:37
but it's not so critical that, and I think you and I have over time,
35:40
finally come to this point. It's not so critical mm-hmm.
35:43
that we can't stop and come back to it tomorrow. Yeah.
35:47
And put it down for a minute.
35:48
Well, you know, there, there, there was this, um,
35:55
oh gosh, now I lost my thought. You know? Okay. There, there,
36:00
there was always this thought, well, you know, if I, if I don't do it,
36:05
the world's gonna come to an end. Right. Kind of thing. You know.
36:07
For me it was, somebody's gonna be disappointed in me. Yeah.
36:09
Somebody's gonna tell me I did something wrong.
36:11
Like all my personal insecurities, . But I feel the same way.
36:15
And I've, I've gotten this way dealing with the youngest, um,
36:20
and school, like right now we're trying to navigate his mental health,
36:24
which is mm-hmm. incapacitating him physically in many ways.
36:28
And I've got the school like breathing down my neck about the importance of
36:32
attendance. And I'm like,
36:33
actually the importance of my child's physical and mental wellbeing trumps
36:38
sitting in a classroom right now. Right. Like,
36:40
there was a time I thought the most,
36:43
'cause I ha I I've always had this is the trauma, is that the generational?
36:47
I don't know. But if I do everything, quote Right. If I follow the rules,
36:52
I don't know, you get a fucking cookie at the end. I don't know, ,
36:55
but then you, like, you can't get in trouble. Like,
36:57
getting in trouble was like the worst thing to me, right? Mm-hmm. .
36:59
And it, it's still not my favorite. Okay. I'm this up,
37:02
I'm trying to be a good girl over here, but there I hit a point,
37:06
like with the kid where I went,
37:10
your idea you school board entity, right. Bureaucracy.
37:15
Yeah. Your idea of what's right is actually harming my kid.
37:19
So I'm gonna do something a little different where my main priority in this,
37:23
in this scenario is the kid. Mm-hmm. .
37:26
And I'm gonna have to follow our own path and it's gonna have to deviate what
37:31
you think is right and wrong. Right.
37:32
Because I'm taking care of the kid right now and being able to kind of go,
37:36
you know what, yeah, you are, you are taking a day off from school, or you know,
37:39
what homework didn't get turned in. It's not, it's not the, you know,
37:43
worst thing ever. Like, I can do it for others,
37:48
but I can't do it for myself. Um, but that's, that's I've,
37:52
I've learned by doing it for others, for doing it for the kids,
37:55
for doing it for you mm-hmm.
37:57
that it's actually often the better option. Yeah. Just,
38:00
just walk away from that thing for a minute, just fi mm-hmm. Don't,
38:05
It's that whole doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different
38:08
result. A different result. Yes.
38:09
So if I keep powering through and when I'm peak stress mm-hmm.
38:13
I'm just gonna keep fucking it up. And I'm, and I, the,
38:16
the frustration is this feedback loop that I can't get out of,
38:20
but if I just set it down for a minute and I go, you know what mm-hmm.
38:24
,
38:24
I don't have to do this right this second because this is not actual brain
38:28
surgery and I do not have a human being on the table. Right.
38:32
. Yeah. Yeah.
38:34
It's kink content. Y'all it's really, you know,
38:39
that's given me perspective. Yeah. That's what I would say. Mm-hmm.
38:42
. Okay.
38:43
Here's one and then we're gonna get into some specific kink things.
38:46
But this one is very personal, it's very recent. The stress,
38:51
how we want to handle each other and the stress
38:56
of the aftermath of an argument when you're both feeling sensitive,
39:02
you know, like last week , or week before.
39:05
I don't know what you're talking, I don't know what you're talking about.
39:08
And also two months prior to that, when,
39:10
when we had that one that we never actually resolved. No.
39:15
So I would say, uh, what we need to do is mm-hmm. , uh,
39:19
in that aftermath, even when we're feeling sensitive,
39:22
we have to fucking resolve it.
39:23
Yeah. Because.
39:24
All it did was blow up again in our faces.
39:26
Come back again. Right. To h Yeah. Which.
39:29
We already know that logically, we tell people that all the time. Sure.
39:32
But it is a little different when you're living it, you think, oh,
39:34
clearly we're over it. It's fine, it's.
39:36
Fine. It.
39:37
Was not.
39:39
Fine.
39:39
No. So how would you like to navigate that?
39:42
Um, ,
39:48
that's a very good question.
39:54
Sometimes I think
39:57
what you and I would need mm-hmm. and,
40:01
and this is how we ended up doing it the last time. You know, we
40:08
eat, breathe,
40:09
work and sleep within these walls day
40:14
in, day out.
40:16
Sometimes the only reason we leave is 'cause some child needs to be taken
40:19
somewhere. Right. And then we come straight back home.
40:22
Yeah. and, and,
40:24
and what one of the things we did this last time was
40:30
like, we got in the car mm-hmm.
40:31
and we went and got a coffee
40:36
and we went somewhere, went to a park mm-hmm. . And,
40:41
and we sat outside in,
40:45
in the fresh air and the bright sunlight and, and, and we talked mm-hmm.
40:49
, you know, and, and we were out of our environment. And,
40:53
and I've said this a a few times, I say, you know,
40:58
I find it hard to have,
41:02
have actual downtime here. Mm-hmm.
41:05
because there's either work,
41:09
work that needs to be done or there's something around the house that needs to
41:13
be done. Yeah. Alright. Unless there, there is no shortage. No either.
41:18
And we're not gonna think too hard about the list of house stuff that we,
41:20
we know has to be done and can't get to. 'cause that's a whole other source of.
41:23
Stress. Exactly.
41:25
Home ownership is great. . Yeah.
41:27
So, you know, it's,
41:31
it's very easy to get wrapped up with what's going on within these walls.
41:35
There's always something else. 'cause there's always something mm-hmm.
41:38
and being able to step outside these walls go to a different
41:43
place. Mm-hmm. , I think makes it easier.
41:48
Yeah. Yeah. Because yeah. We're, we're pulled out of the immediate,
41:52
the other stressors that are constantly around us. Right.
41:54
I'm thinking to the moment that got us there though, and I,
41:59
I have noticed that in the aftermath of most arguments mm-hmm. ,
42:03
I approach you first. And, uh,
42:06
there's a part of me that wishes it wasn't always like that.
42:10
But there's also a part of me that I think it's part of my submissive
42:15
self in our power exchange mm-hmm.
42:17
where I want to approach you
42:22
and let you decide the direction.
42:25
But there is a risk with that.
42:27
There's a slight fear with that because I might approach you and think, okay,
42:32
it is time to approach you and you might not be ready for the approach yet.
42:36
And my, every time I do it, my fear is, oh God, he could,
42:39
he could reject this overture, right? Mm-hmm. ,
42:41
he might not be at the point I'm at yet and ready to like,
42:45
try to talk or try to reconcile.
42:49
So I tend to wait way longer than I want to. Like this last time I,
42:53
it was like half a day I was kind of ready to go.
42:57
I can be right or I can be happy. And it technically we're both right.
43:00
Like nobody was actually wrong,
43:01
but I just want us to like fit back together again. Mm-hmm. .
43:06
And it was eight hours of thinking that before I finally went.
43:11
Okay. Okay. Um, and it was because ,
43:16
I knew that we had still been angry with one another and how that had gone down,
43:23
um, which is actually gonna be another scenario here in a, in a few. Um,
43:28
and I was terrified of that playing out again. Mm-hmm.
43:33
when it was time to go to bed and how our argument would disrupt
43:36
our routine. And I went, I gotta go fucking talk to him because I can't,
43:41
you can't,
43:41
I can't have that come up and surprise me that our power exchange routine,
43:46
the way we start and end our day will be interrupted
43:51
because of this argument without us talking about it. Yeah. Um, I, I,
43:55
for me it was like, I will not be blindsided again because that was,
43:58
I don't use the the word lightly, y'all. I really don't.
44:01
It felt traumatic in the moment. Um,
44:05
now the thing I do that,
44:07
I don't know how you feel about it 'cause it's what I do.
44:10
We've never actually talked about this part of it. I approach you respectfully.
44:14
Yeah. But also with no fucks to give true.
44:20
I, i come at you. There's nothing meek or mild about me. Mm-hmm.
44:23
we're absolutely respectful and willing to be told I'm not
44:28
ready to have this conversation. I don't wanna hear it, but I'm,
44:31
I'm willing for that. Yeah. But in the, the last one, 'cause I said, okay,
44:35
the way this morning when, or yesterday when, or how I, it was the morning.
44:39
Mm-hmm. , I was like, I got, I got blindsided with your decisions.
44:45
Is that gonna be your decision for tonight when we go to bed? I said,
44:47
because if we're gonna go to bed without our routine, 'cause you're still,
44:51
we're still angry at one another. Mm-hmm. , I need to know now.
44:54
Yeah. I can't wait until we're in the moment. What do you want to do?
44:58
And I was very plainspoken, very direct . Um,
45:02
there was nothing baby girl here. Like it was. Yeah. No, I did feel submissive.
45:07
'cause I was coming to you and saying, you tell me. Mm-hmm. ,
45:10
I was not demanding anything other than.
45:12
Answers. No, you weren't. And yet , and, and yet when you say that,
45:15
you know, you, you come respectfully but with no fucks to give.
45:21
I I I have no problem with that because you know, you don't clearly.
45:25
'Cause we don't argue. Again,
45:26
it's not a fresh argument by the way I approach you.
45:28
No, no, no, no. But you know, you don't,
45:32
you don't dance around the subject. No. You know, by the time I, you don't,
45:35
you don't give hint, you know, you don't, um, you know, for,
45:40
for lack of better terms, I guess the, the best way to say it, you know, um,
45:44
it's not like you're vague booking or something like that. Right.
45:48
No, no, no, no. You won't be guessing. What the fuck I mean. Right, right,
45:51
right.
45:51
Right. Which in a, you know, okay, so this is where we stand.
45:56
This, you know, let's mm-hmm. , let's move forward.
45:59
Let's deal with this.
46:00
I know. I was gonna say, the hard part about that is because I don't,
46:04
when I approach you, I don't know mm-hmm.
46:06
what your reaction will be.
46:07
I have to harden myself because I have to come to you knowing,
46:11
'cause you're the decider, you're gonna make the decision.
46:14
I might be asking you, are we maintaining our nighttime routine,
46:17
which is very important to both of us. Mm-hmm. . And you might say,
46:23
no, I, I can't do it tonight. Mm-hmm. .
46:25
And so I have to approach you knowing I could like get my feelings hurt and be
46:30
very sad when I walk away. And so what it does is I, I do harden myself again,
46:34
respectful, but direct as direct as I know how to be. Yeah.
46:38
Which to some people from the outside looking in, we go, well that's not right.
46:42
It's not massive.
46:43
Now the submissive part is I know that I'm giving you the opportunity to decide.
46:47
Right. And I don't air quote this, don't have any control over that. Mm-hmm.
46:52
. Right. So yeah. ,
46:55
this one makes me . This one's too fresh. ,
46:59
this one's too fresh. Uh,
47:03
'cause that last time was difficult. Yeah. It was necessary. 'cause we did the,
47:08
the mini resolution that night where we were speaking to one another again.
47:11
Mm-hmm. , we agreed to go through our evening routine. Excuse me.
47:16
Um, we even kind of were able to joke with one another,
47:19
but there was still a standoffishness.
47:24
Oh goodness. I'm glad that wasn't, excuse me directly into the.
47:27
Microphone . That's why I kind of tried to back away a little.
47:30
Bit. Um,
47:32
the thing I've noticed about me,
47:36
and I don't know if you've noticed it about me or if I'd already started making
47:39
this sort of change before I met you. Um,
47:43
there was a time where what I would've wanted to do
47:48
is to reconcile as quickly as possible mm-hmm. ,
47:50
even if it meant that I gave up.
47:56
I don't know how best to say this. Sometimes I'm fucking right in our argument.
48:00
Like I,
48:01
I'm making points and I know that I deserve to have those points acknowledged
48:05
and heard. Right? Yeah. Um,
48:08
and there was absolutely a time I would have just fallen on my own
48:13
sword, so to speak, just to reconcile. So you,
48:17
like a partner would be happy with me again mm-hmm.
48:19
so that the conflict would go away so that the,
48:22
my yucky feelings about being in conflict would go away.
48:27
I don't feel like I do that anymore.
48:30
I do make the fir tend to make the first overture.
48:33
I'm willing and as prepared as I can be for you to reject that
48:37
overture. Um, and I have learned,
48:41
I don't need to have resolution that night,
48:45
but I will not if I feel like if I've come to the conclusion that no, the,
48:50
the points that were being made need to be dealt with. We need to like mm-hmm.
48:54
talk about, you know, why one upset the other,
48:58
however that ended up going. Um,
49:01
I don't make it kind of make it all go away just so we can be
49:06
happy together. Yeah, no, I will.
49:09
But I will joke with you and try to pull out some humor and find our common,
49:12
our footing again this last time. And I, you know, I don't think you can,
49:18
we're strategizing here and I do think there's value and importance in
49:22
strategizing known issues that are just gonna come up like mm-hmm.
49:25
with certainty.
49:27
These kinds of issues are gonna come up in any relationship,
49:30
but you can't plan it out like step by step at this time.
49:33
This will happen on this day this, so in this case,
49:38
we semi resolved it to the point we were at least speaking to one another,
49:42
I guess Yes. So that we could go to bed. Right.
49:45
And it wasn't until the next day that I felt more comfortable.
49:49
I felt like you were more comfortable and then we could be more of ourselves.
49:53
Correct. But still with a bit of like unresolved distance mm-hmm. .
49:59
And for me, that's a huge change.
50:01
There was absolutely a time when whatever I had to do to make this
50:06
conflict go away, I would do, I would act like it didn't matter.
50:09
I would pretend that I was happy. I would, you know, I would,
50:12
I don't have memories of being the type to forgive bad behavior in that,
50:17
in the way of going, oh, it doesn't matter that that happened.
50:20
Like it definitely still mattered mm-hmm. . But I would kind of go,
50:23
it matters, but I'm gonna move on. Um,
50:27
and often that was to my detriment,
50:29
it was stuff I should not have moved on from. Yeah. In this case,
50:33
we absolutely had hard conversations about who was fucking up where and how and
50:38
how that made each of us feel. Mm-hmm. . Um,
50:42
and that, the time that we did that in that immediate aftermath,
50:47
I think was important. I think the thing I've learned,
50:50
and I think you and I kind of have done do this together pretty consistently.
50:54
We are firm and direct, but we try to still be kind. Yeah. Like,
50:59
I'm not sugarcoating shit. Right.
51:00
But I'm not gonna call you a bastard or something.
51:03
Like, well, yeah, no, no, no. And, and,
51:05
and I would not do the same thing to you in, in that respect. Right. I mean,
51:09
that, that's something, uh, that is extremely important to me, uh,
51:13
because of, of past relationships. Mm-hmm. , you know mm-hmm.
51:18
. And I often told you I, you know, you can say anything you
51:24
feel you need to say, just do so respectfully, you know? Right.
51:27
We're not gonna call each other names. We're not gonna No, you know,
51:30
dredge up past things that happened and mm-hmm. , you know,
51:34
that's not.
51:35
Being that direct is still even after I'm mid forties, it's mm-hmm.
51:39
still a relatively new skill though.
51:42
Childhood was spent having all, every emotion and feeling, in fact,
51:46
like negated and invalidated first,
51:51
first marriage was me bringing up the issues,
51:55
but the only time I could get anybody to hear me or pay attention mm-hmm.
51:58
was when I was, you know, acting batshit crazy and going off,
52:03
flying off the handle, which then got my
52:07
valid problems and cri criticisms negated because it's like, oh,
52:11
well you're shrieking. And,
52:13
and so like with you over the past decade,
52:17
I have gained the confidence mm-hmm.
52:19
and the security to know I can,
52:22
I can tell you when you done fucked up. Right, . That's true.
52:25
That's true.
52:26
And the thing I appreciate about you is that even when you
52:31
don't like to hear it, you face it head on.
52:33
I've not once in the heat of an argument and like the battle
52:38
we're when woo, neither of us is at our best. No, no. You might go,
52:42
that's not true, but that's your anger talking. Right. Once we're to this part,
52:46
the aftermath where we're still like,
52:48
it's tender and we're not sure quite where we stand,
52:50
but we know we're not arguing anymore. Mm-hmm. ,
52:53
I can tell you to your face that was wrong and you will own it.
52:58
And man, that's a breath of fresh fucking air. . You know, ,
53:04
I don't tend, I don't know if you noticed this and I know it's the trauma. Um,
53:09
I don't tend to have to be told I was wrong. I'm usually the one to tell you,
53:11
okay, here's where I know I done fucked up.
53:13
'cause I've already gone over this 85 million times in my brain before I finally
53:17
talk to you. Um, also, I need to say it first so that mm-hmm. ,
53:21
you can't criticize me, I'll criticize me for you. Yeah.
53:24
I'll admit to my wrongdoings because if you criticize me, there's the,
53:29
the little kid in me who, you know, childhood trauma mm-hmm.
53:32
and also the baby girl who just wants to be your good girl. Like,
53:35
if you criticize me and tell me what I did wrong, I will crumble.
53:39
I will be like, I will not be able to function.
53:42
But if I tell you that I know what I did wrong and I own it, and you go, yep.
53:46
Yep. You're right, you're right.
53:47
And you don't have anything else to critique me with, then we can move forward,
53:52
and I'm sure I need therapy for that. But , well,
53:55
I think it works for right now. Mm-hmm.
53:57
. Yep.
53:59
Okay. Now, those are all very common things, uh, therapy.
54:03
Jeff had a lot more than that. Yeah.
54:05
So feel free to watch as reel and go through that list.
54:07
Now we're gonna get into three speci, kink, power exchange specific ones. Okay.
54:12
Uh.
54:13
Things you and I have absolutely fucking gone through, but I do, and we have,
54:18
we've navigated them and we're fine, clearly. Mm-hmm. ,
54:21
but I do think they're important to at least touch on before you ever find
54:25
yourself in this situation, . Or if you,
54:27
if you found yourselves in these situations and you're like,
54:30
we maybe could have handled that better, touch on them now, like mm-hmm.
54:34
, while things are calm. Here's the first one.
54:36
Okay.
54:37
The dominant makes a decision
54:41
that this submissive fundamentally disagrees with. Like,
54:45
to their core. I think you're so fucking wrong for this.
54:50
And it creates tension. Mm-hmm. .
54:52
So you've been on that receiving end where you've made a decision, and I'm like,
54:55
that's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard in my goddamn life. .
54:59
So from your perspective is the dom.
55:02
She says with respect.
55:03
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
55:04
I say it in my head and my facial expression says it for me. But the,
55:09
I I use a respectful term mm-hmm. from your,
55:12
from the Dom's perspective of knowing that you've decided something that I am
55:17
like, fuck that shit. Um, and it's caused a stress. Yeah. Um,
55:21
a tension between us. What, what do you need in that moment?
55:25
How do you want to navigate that?
55:27
I, I think in, in moments like that, especially when you have such a visceral,
55:33
uh, reaction,
55:38
I think in those moments, what I need to do, I need to be able to step back and,
55:43
and kind of think about what's going on. Mm-hmm. and,
55:46
and just have some, you know, just gimme some time to think about things here.
55:50
What, what's, you know, what's going on. 'cause.
55:52
Typically, even when I don't fully agree with you,
55:55
we're usually on the same page and I can kind of go along Yeah. And be like,
55:59
well, let's see how this plays out. Mm-hmm. , if I'm,
56:01
if I was right and he was wrong, I'll let him know. , oh God. ,
56:06
.
56:07
But you know, if, if you, you know, and,
56:10
and I'm talking about me because I know how I am, you know,
56:14
if you keep coming at me mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , if you,
56:17
you keep, you know mm-hmm. , this is wrong, this is wrong. Right.
56:20
If you keep, I'm just gonna dig my heels in, unfortunately. Right.
56:23
And you're not gonna even consider another option.
56:25
Right now. Right. So, you know, allowing me to step back and,
56:29
and have that moment to
56:33
kind of think things over mm-hmm. ,
56:34
that is the best thing to do for me. , I.
56:38
I agree from experience,
56:39
the one thing I've noticed is sometimes when you're digging your heels in,
56:44
and we can both sense it, I'll, I have said in the past,
56:46
I'll say something like, you and I are usually pretty in step with one another.
56:51
Mm-hmm. , what is it about this that,
56:53
that we can't come together on?
56:55
We can't find that common ground. Right? Yeah.
56:57
So what I need from you is for you to
57:01
acknowledge that I disagree with you, man.
57:03
Validation is so fucking important to me. , , Uh,
57:07
I should get a therapist. Anyway. Um, I need you to acknowledge that,
57:11
that even if you don't see my perspective or agree with my perspective,
57:15
that my perspective is valid. Mm-hmm. , um,
57:18
I need you to say clearly, I'm, let me step back. Let me give this more thought.
57:22
You've done that before. Yeah. I cannot remember what the situation was anymore.
57:25
Yeah. But there was something that you were like,
57:27
this is what I think we should do, and I'm over here going,
57:29
that's the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. . I didn't say that,
57:32
but this face, that's what you absolutely communicated.
57:36
That communicated that. Yeah. Yeah. And.
57:38
When you realized that I was not immediately going, okay. Okay. That's fine.
57:43
You said, okay, let me, let me give this some more thought.
57:47
Let me gimme some more time with this. Right? Mm-hmm. , um,
57:51
we do avoid this often by looking at
57:56
multiple, multiple,
57:57
when we can multiple solutions and de air quote this word,
58:01
debating Yeah. The merits of each solution,
58:04
and then just negotiating our way to find, like, I can live with this,
58:08
you can live with that. Mm-hmm. , like,
58:10
we might each have our perfect option in mind,
58:14
but there's usually a middle ground where we're both willing to give up a little
58:18
bit to get something that we can kind of both live with. Right. Um, I,
58:22
I really did mean it when I said that. I sometimes sit back and go, well, I,
58:25
I think he's fundamentally wrong. I'm just gonna let him be wrong.
58:29
And when we have the proof that he's wrong, I will politely swoop it and go,
58:34
can we try it this way? Now? Now, I don't think we've,
58:37
I think maybe once in 10 years did we genuinely
58:42
disagree, and I went, I'll follow him. And we came back around You, you,
58:47
you're humble enough mm-hmm. That you were like,
58:50
that didn't go the way I planned. Let's try your.
58:52
Way. It didn't work out the way I Right. . Yeah.
58:54
But you know what,
58:55
I really think part of the reason we avoid this now after all these years is
58:59
because we've gone through those moments where I sat back and went,
59:02
I'm following his lead. That was, that's what we're doing here. Mm-hmm.
59:05
and it, the world didn't end. Right. Right.
59:08
And we've had the times where you were like, powering through,
59:11
this is my decision. It wasn't the right one.
59:15
You followed not my lead, but like my suggestion and it worked out.
59:18
So we now have the experience of knowing that if one of us has fully dug in
59:24
and the other one's over here waving a red flag going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
59:27
whoa, whoa. What the fuck? Neither. Like, we need to back up a little bit.
59:31
We need to come find the compromise again. Mm-hmm. . Um,
59:34
I do like that the way we tend to make decisions
59:39
together, probably 95% of the time,
59:42
is you and I both acknowledge what the issue is. Mm-hmm. ,
59:45
I go off and find the solutions I bring.
59:49
The solutions I think are viable to you. Yeah.
59:52
And most of the time you're gonna pick one of them. Well,
59:54
if they're the solutions I came up with, I can live with all of 'em. Right.
59:58
, but you've done that too. You've seen a thing and gone, okay, we've,
1:00:02
we've gotta deal with this. Let me bring multiple options.
1:00:04
And they're the ones you can live with mm-hmm. .
1:00:06
And so then if I find something that I can get on board with out of the
1:00:10
solutions you've figured out. Right. It's, you've already, you're already,
1:00:14
you've already done the work of I can live with any of these. Yeah.
1:00:17
So then we don't have that push and pull of you made a decision
1:00:22
and I don't agree with it at all. Mm-hmm. to me,
1:00:25
if you're in a dynamic like that where the dom is making these decisions and the
1:00:29
submissive is constantly fighting them, there's a few potential things going on.
1:00:32
One, or there's some,
1:00:34
some issues on the submissive side that probably need to be worked through,
1:00:37
you know, bad tapes from previous relationships. Mm-hmm. ,
1:00:40
trauma from childhood, something that's making you resistant.
1:00:43
Is it an incompatibility? You fundamentally want different things.
1:00:47
And so when the dom's like, this is what we're doing,
1:00:49
the sub's like no the fuck we're not. Yeah. Uh,
1:00:52
or is it the wrong type of dynamic where you want something more
1:00:57
collaborative and less dictator? Um, because we are very collaborative. Yeah.
1:01:02
You're gonna, you're gonna make the ultimate decision.
1:01:04
But not before you've heard me out. True.
1:01:06
And I think the one or two times I've gotten upset with you over decision is
1:01:09
when I didn't feel heard.
1:01:10
So if I can feel heard and I can understand your thinking,
1:01:16
ta-da. I can,
1:01:17
because ultimately part of being submissive is letting you take the fucking
1:01:21
lead. And then sometimes that means you're gonna make a decision.
1:01:24
And I'm over here like, okay, let's just see how this goes,
1:01:29
uh, .
1:01:31
But you're humble enough to have realized that sometimes I'm right and if I'm
1:01:35
right, you'll, you'll just let me be. Right. Every once in a while, whatever.
1:01:39
We've established that it is more often than that. Okay.
1:01:43
Here's one that is extremely common. Mm-hmm. ,
1:01:46
but it can absolutely cause stress. Yeah. In the aftermath. Mm-hmm.
1:01:49
, your kinking goes wrong. Yep. It happens. Oh.
1:01:53
Now part of this is, this is a little too generic.
1:01:56
'cause there's so many reasons why a kinking can go wrong. It can be just a,
1:01:59
an error. Like a, an oopsie, I'm human, made a mistake. Mm-hmm. ,
1:02:03
it can be a,
1:02:05
the communication signals weren't clear and somebody went too far.
1:02:10
'cause they like, weren't they got in like, oh God,
1:02:13
it can be that a piece of equipment broke and all of your kinky dreams died.
1:02:17
Died. 'cause you can't be doing that thing you wanna be doing. Mm-hmm.
1:02:20
. So there's lots of reasons for a kink scene to go wrong. Yes.
1:02:24
And not, we've had kink scenes go wrong and we were not stressed out about it.
1:02:28
We left. That's Lola dreaming by the tripod. Oh, yeah. Okay. Um,
1:02:32
and we've laughed it off because it was not a stressful thing. Right.
1:02:36
But in those few times where like the stress gets,
1:02:40
the tension goes up because the scene went wrong,
1:02:43
what do you need to help navigate that?
1:02:46
Um,
1:02:52
I'm not really sure. Um,
1:02:58
I mean, the one time that, that to me, things did,
1:03:03
excuse me, did go south, so to speak, um,
1:03:12
was a time when I ended a scene
1:03:18
and, and you did, you know, you were just like,
1:03:24
okay, I, I understand why you are doing this. It's okay, we'll,
1:03:28
we'll try again later.
1:03:30
So was it a moment where you thought there might be tension?
1:03:35
And so that got you a little stressed out and, but then I was like, oh, mm-hmm.
1:03:39
, well, I'm following your, you ended it.
1:03:40
And that makes sense to me. Yeah. That's,
1:03:41
that comes down to a communication thing. Mm-hmm. ,
1:03:43
if you were just in the middle of a scene,
1:03:45
when I think things are going well just to stop it and we never talk about it,
1:03:48
that's gonna create tension for me and be like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah.
1:03:51
Um, but if you're like, I stopped this. You know, sometimes you have to like,
1:03:56
get out of the equipment. You have to like, move away from where you're at.
1:03:59
Mm-hmm. , there's might be some time between stop seeing,
1:04:03
get to have a conversation, but as long as there's always a conversation, like,
1:04:07
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt from the time you stop the scene
1:04:10
until the time you talk to me, I'm gonna be like, there's a reason.
1:04:12
I don't know. Right. That's the trust between us, right? Mm-hmm. ,
1:04:15
that's also the, you're the decider. You, you get to drive this scene.
1:04:20
Yeah. I'm in the car with you, you know? Mm-hmm.
1:04:23
just as a passenger princess most of the time.
1:04:25
Let's be real . Um, I'm not,
1:04:29
I'm I'm there. You're doing all the work. Um,
1:04:33
but there have been times I can think of one where I desperately wanted you to
1:04:37
keep going. I was fucking in it. Mm-hmm. ,
1:04:40
but I had lost the ability to speak ,
1:04:44
A layer of subspace where my, my brain was there. Or I thought it was the.
1:04:49
Brain and mouth lost connection. Yeah.
1:04:51
And I like, it was getting hot. It was getting dark,
1:04:55
it was getting good.
1:04:57
.
1:04:58
But because I could not communicate, answer.
1:05:01
You. Right.
1:05:02
Oh, and you stopped it. And that was such a letdown even then, though,
1:05:06
it was not a tense moment mm-hmm. , it was more of a,
1:05:09
I was more upset with myself because it was like, ugh,
1:05:13
brain mouth work together in tandem. Please. Thank you. Yeah. Um,
1:05:18
and that, I know for me,
1:05:20
and I think this might be something that other submissives or bottoms might
1:05:24
experience, I'm sure Doms and Tops do in their own way,
1:05:26
but just different sides of the slash if I feel like I have let you
1:05:31
down in a scene, it didn't get to go the way we plan.
1:05:35
I had to safe word out. Uh mm-hmm. In that case,
1:05:38
I was out in space and once I can't communicate,
1:05:41
we can't keep singing 'cause that's not safe, like all of those things.
1:05:44
But if I feel like I've let you down, that is very stressful to me now,
1:05:49
10 years in, I that's, it's rare.
1:05:52
It is so rare for me to feel that way in any situation anymore because we just
1:05:56
been together long enough, communication's good enough.
1:05:59
But in those times where I felt like I have let you down,
1:06:02
the thing I need is validation.
1:06:04
The thing I need is I need to hear I'm a good girl and you're happy.
1:06:07
And this is, you know, what I like is you don't qualify things in the moment.
1:06:11
You don't go, this wasn't what I, we planned for. But like, you never do that.
1:06:15
You go, this was good for me. It needed to end. Mm-hmm. ,
1:06:18
it was good for me later, closer her back on, I'm in my right mind.
1:06:23
Yeah. Then we can talk about.
1:06:26
Right, right, right. But.
1:06:27
In the moment, if I think I am the reason,
1:06:29
or I know I'm the reason the scene has stopped early,
1:06:32
that's the thing I need is validation. Okay. Okay. Um,
1:06:36
the one time you stopped a scene, basically you safe worded out, you went,
1:06:39
I can't do this. Mm-hmm. , we, this is after the fact,
1:06:43
but I know what we did and I think it worked. You tell me.
1:06:45
I gave you that validation. Yeah. You were doing a good job. Mm-hmm.
1:06:49
, I love you. Thank you. I understand.
1:06:52
The other thing was because you safe worded out. I was like,
1:06:54
I understand it's fine that you did that. I'm not upset with you.
1:06:59
And so then just sort of reaffirming that mm-hmm. ,
1:07:01
you made the right, you did make the right decision. That's like,
1:07:04
there's no question about it, but that I supported.
1:07:08
Your decision. And I, and I think that's important, um, on both ends.
1:07:13
But you know, I I here have heard a lot over the years,
1:07:19
you know, especially submissives. Well, you know, I don't want my, my,
1:07:23
my dom my top to be disappointed because I safe use,
1:07:28
use my safe word. Right. You know? Yes.
1:07:31
Mm-hmm.
1:07:31
. And, and that is something I think that, you know,
1:07:37
I,
1:07:37
I would be more upset if down the road afterwards
1:07:42
found out that you wanted to use your safe word. Right. But didn't. Yes.
1:07:48
Absolutely. Well, and the other th that goes another way without the safe word.
1:07:51
Sometimes the scene goes wrong because a, a toy hits lands wrong. Right. Right.
1:07:55
There's injury or near injury. Mm-hmm. . And like, now we're,
1:07:59
we're safe wording out because the dom made a human error and whatever,
1:08:04
something didn't go wrong. Sure.
1:08:06
The thing that I've noticed when that happens with us is one in mid scene I can
1:08:10
tell you, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's , that's landing wrong.
1:08:13
I need you to adjust. 'cause 'cause that's not where you meant to hit that item.
1:08:16
Mm-hmm. . But after the scene, the,
1:08:19
the thing I have I feel works for you or helps you,
1:08:25
is to acknowledge that a mistake was made,
1:08:29
but not to place blame. Like, I'm not pissed off at you. I'm like, uhoh,
1:08:33
what do, and again,
1:08:34
it usually has to wait until we've gotten through getting ourselves back
1:08:39
together and being in a different place, in a different head space.
1:08:42
But it's like, okay, let's talk about what went wrong. And it's not a,
1:08:45
a judgment thing on you. It's a mm-hmm. , it's a Yeah.
1:08:48
That could happen to anybody. Right. Is it that more education's needed?
1:08:51
More practices needed different toy, what, and we're gonna,
1:08:55
we're going to sort of like, there was a sports metaphor,
1:09:00
but y'all know how I'm about sport ball sort of when you, like,
1:09:04
we're gonna go over the game play basically and try to like figure out debrief
1:09:08
Yeah. And figure out what, what wrong and how we can prevent that in the future.
1:09:12
Yeah. And, and you know, we,
1:09:14
we used to debrief a lot after
1:09:19
most every scene in the beginning mm-hmm. . Um,
1:09:21
we don't do that as much anymore,
1:09:24
but especially if something goes wrong mm-hmm. in a scene,
1:09:28
there's some kind of mishap. I think it is very important absolutely. To,
1:09:32
to debrief at some point. Maybe not immediately Yeah. After the scene.
1:09:37
But there, there needs to be that, that discussion of,
1:09:41
of what went on and why. And, and.
1:09:44
I think what helps me not be afraid for future scenes. Like you've made,
1:09:48
you've fucked up, you made a mistake, things didn't go according to plan.
1:09:51
You always own it. You do not deflect. You do not blame anything else.
1:09:56
Any anyone else. Even if it, like,
1:09:58
it was too noisy and somebody did crowd you and mm-hmm. ,
1:10:01
there were outside factors that explain part of it.
1:10:06
You always take responsibility for it.
1:10:08
So then I will actually turn around and try to comfort you because
1:10:14
your submissive cannot handle you to be wrong for anything.
1:10:16
Even when you are the one , it's wrong. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
1:10:20
. But it make,
1:10:21
I can I get to continue feeling safe after a scene goes wrong. Mm-hmm.
1:10:26
, because you are taking ownership of what happened. Yeah.
1:10:29
Like I was the one in control and that went wrong under my watch. Right.
1:10:33
And here's what I'm gonna do to avoid that in the future. Mm-hmm. ,
1:10:36
here's what I see, how I see things, you know, and how they went wrong. And you,
1:10:40
let me tell you what I need to tell you.
1:10:41
So then any stress or tension for us after all these years,
1:10:45
it just doesn't exist. But in those early days,
1:10:49
any stress that might've been there was immediately diffused because I wasn't
1:10:53
even, I wasn't trying to convince you. You had screwed up. You were going, no,
1:10:56
no, I own it. You know, my bad. Here's, you know, what do we do to fix it?
1:11:00
Or here's what I think we do to fix it. And I think that makes a difference.
1:11:04
Here's one that we just went through. Yeah. And it's our last one, .
1:11:08
Okay.
1:11:11
When you disagree on whether a stressful or big moment is
1:11:15
appropriate for your power exchange.
1:11:18
Hmm.
1:11:20
The last time it happened to us was very recently. And you,
1:11:24
in your anger,
1:11:26
weaponized part of our power exchange Yeah. Against me.
1:11:30
And used your control to say it was not your finest moment.
1:11:34
Not a good look for me. No.
1:11:35
No. I know. And I don't even like admitting it.
1:11:37
'cause I want you to look perfect to everybody always, but.
1:11:39
. Yeah. But I'm, it was a moment that happened. I'm, I'm not .
1:11:44
Right. Right, right. Um,
1:11:50
you know, I, I, I,
1:11:55
what can I say? I fucked up in a big way. Um, you know,
1:12:01
not that it's any excuse, but the stress we have been feeling
1:12:07
for the last couple years has just been compounding, compounding, compounding.
1:12:12
And.
1:12:12
Then you were triggered. Like we trigger each other sometimes. Yeah.
1:12:15
Accidentally oopsie.
1:12:16
And, uh, that's another topic.
1:12:17
For another day. .
1:12:19
I, I, I fell off the deep end and mm-hmm.
1:12:22
, you, my sense of it was, um,
1:12:27
was that you were trying to regain control.
1:12:29
You were feeling out of control and like, you were like, I'm the dom,
1:12:33
I get to fuck a fucking say over this. And it, it was,
1:12:38
this was the height of our fight. Like we were not happy with each other.
1:12:41
Prior to this, we'd been arguing for like a day or two. Yeah. Uh,
1:12:45
and by arguing,
1:12:46
I mean glaring at one another and like walking past the other in silence,
1:12:51
.
1:12:51
Mm-hmm.
1:12:52
. And I,
1:12:54
instead of just doing what I usually do, which is going, let's talk about this.
1:12:59
Just tell me what the fuck's on your mind.
1:13:00
I tried to act like nothing was wrong. Not that nothing was wrong,
1:13:05
but like that everything was still normal. Yeah.
1:13:07
And I'm like, and me, I'm up against a,
1:13:09
I felt like I was up against a brick wall just Yep. Banging my head,
1:13:13
getting nowhere. So.
1:13:14
Neither of us was correct in this situation. Yeah.
1:13:17
But because of the authority and the power and control you have as the dom
1:13:22
mm-hmm. , you have that ability to go, well,
1:13:26
I get to say no to this, or I get to,
1:13:29
I get to control whether this thing happens.
1:13:32
And it was parts of our power exchange that are fundamental parts of the power
1:13:35
exchange. So that if we're not gonna do them anymore,
1:13:37
there has to be a conversation.
1:13:39
It was right in line with why we say Doms,
1:13:43
you do not punish, even if you have the whole consequences,
1:13:47
punishment thing is your power exchange.
1:13:49
You do not punish in anger because you're not, you're not clearheaded. Right.
1:13:53
And I viewed that moment as you trying to punish me as your
1:13:57
submissive for things you didn't like that your wife was doing and your business
1:14:01
partner was doing. Mm-hmm. , um, .
1:14:04
And it was one of those things where the decisions you made,
1:14:06
if you were going to, if we were no longer going to do those things, they could,
1:14:11
that could only be undone with a conversation. Right.
1:14:15
Not at in the heat of anger. Like you would, I don't,
1:14:19
I wouldn't have taken it. Well, but if you had said this,
1:14:23
I am too angry for this right now, I cannot do this.
1:14:27
I would've hated that. But I'd have been like, that is clear,
1:14:30
indirect communication. Now might I have tried to convince you otherwise? Sure,
1:14:34
sure. I'm like, I'm that girl. You.
1:14:35
Be, you being you, I'm.
1:14:36
That girl. .
1:14:38
But you were at the height of your anger and so you weren't thinking clearly.
1:14:43
No. Neither of us was communicating clearly at that point. No.
1:14:47
And that was the direction you went. No. And that's,
1:14:49
that's a big stressor in the middle of something that's already stressful.
1:14:55
Stressful. Yeah. Because that takes from, from my perspective, and I,
1:14:58
I think either side of the slash can feel this way,
1:15:01
if the other side of the slash
1:15:04
uses their power exchange against the other mm-hmm. , like,
1:15:07
I don't, it's not just a sub thing. It's, it could be anybody. But for a,
1:15:11
a brief moment in our 10 years together,
1:15:14
I was unsure of my place in the dynamic. And man, that pissed me off .
1:15:23
And so then we had to navigate the larger argument we were having and the
1:15:27
tension we were having,
1:15:29
but we also had to navigate that moment because that was, to me,
1:15:34
deeper than mm-hmm. , your average non kinky,
1:15:38
vanilla kind of just life situation that was like, that was,
1:15:41
that hit on a deep level mm-hmm. ,
1:15:44
because that touched something sacred. Yeah. . Yeah.
1:15:50
Um, and we got through it. The strategy is we have,
1:15:55
we have to let tempers diffuse a bit. Mm-hmm. We have to mm-hmm.
1:15:57
again, it,
1:15:59
I think it goes back to you have always owned your actions good,
1:16:04
bad or otherwise, and you're humble enough to admit when you're wrong.
1:16:07
Had I come,
1:16:08
I did come at you that that's when the argument got notched up to like a
1:16:11
hundred, not even 11, there was no dial. We were Oh lord. Um, yeah. ,
1:16:16
because, you know, I was pissed, but, um,
1:16:20
we can't even touch it when we're in the height of the argument. No.
1:16:24
We have to let everything calm down.
1:16:25
We have to get to that point we were talking about earlier where you're in the
1:16:28
aftermath, where you're still kind of sensitive. And then.
1:16:31
The thing, the thing that we need to understand,
1:16:36
especially when it comes to you and I, I, and I'm,
1:16:40
I'm gonna use this this term and, and I think it,
1:16:45
it fits for what I'm trying to say,
1:16:48
we are both very passionate people. Mm-hmm.
1:16:51
. That's, that's great. When we're.
1:16:52
Getting and, and it is, it, it, it is a good thing. , it,
1:16:57
it's both of our strengths.
1:17:00
Mm-hmm.
1:17:01
and it is also.
1:17:04
Absolutely.
1:17:04
Our weakness. Yes.
1:17:05
Agree completely. Okay. It, it's also why, uh, we are,
1:17:08
we are not for everyone ,
1:17:13
we are both a lot to handle in our own way. . Yes.
1:17:17
Yes. That is true. So, you know, um,
1:17:22
when, when we get that
1:17:26
passion in us about something mm-hmm. , you know,
1:17:30
it's like, it, it can be like two worlds colliding.
1:17:33
Oh yeah. Uh, you know, go ahead. I was gonna say in the moment,
1:17:38
we have to calm down. Yeah. From my perspective,
1:17:41
from the quote wronged partner's perspective 'cause mm-hmm. ,
1:17:44
when you do that, you are wronging the other person. You're fucking up,
1:17:47
you're human. It's, it's not,
1:17:50
it's not a deal breaker as long as it's not happening over and over again.
1:17:54
Right. I think that would make it a deal breaker. Yeah. But you know,
1:17:57
the wronged person needs to be validated. Mm-hmm. ,
1:18:00
you did exactly what I needed you to do. You apologized for it.
1:18:04
You and I both did the same thing to one another.
1:18:07
I apologized for how I absolutely spoke to you disrespectfully after that,
1:18:10
that moment occurred. But I did not apologize for my anger. Mm-hmm.
1:18:13
, you in your own way,
1:18:16
apologized for your behavior and your actions,
1:18:20
but you did not negate your own feelings and where that was coming from. Right.
1:18:24
Yeah. Um, and I think that makes the difference. Now,
1:18:29
could we have heard one another before we hit that, like,
1:18:33
aftermath since.
1:18:34
Point? Probably no.
1:18:35
. Like we would, we would've been like we, we would've,
1:18:38
we been talking past one another. Um, it also helps,
1:18:44
um, that we don't repeat those kinds of behaviors. Yeah. Like,
1:18:48
we fuck up and we fuck up big and then we'll be like, oh,
1:18:51
we're not doing that ever.
1:18:52
The fuck again. We, we, we managed to learn from our mistakes. Right. So.
1:18:56
Like, I feel like in this scenario, as the one who was on that,
1:19:01
the receiving end of it mm-hmm. ,
1:19:03
I'm not walking around wary and unsure of who you are and who we are. Yeah.
1:19:07
'cause I know who we are. I genuinely don't believe it will repeat itself.
1:19:12
'cause that was like the,
1:19:14
the first big time and maybe only the second time in 10 years where like that
1:19:18
had even been like a little bit of it. Mm-hmm. . Um,
1:19:22
I think the other part is that you have made,
1:19:27
you've always been a safe person for me to react very honestly, good, bad,
1:19:31
or otherwise. Mm-hmm. . And so, um,
1:19:35
I didn't feel in the moment like I had to hide my re response, um,
1:19:40
or my reaction. And I never felt,
1:19:42
while we were diffusing it later and working through it,
1:19:44
like I had to pretend otherwise. And I think that that is important too.
1:19:48
If I get to come to you when I'm calmer and go,
1:19:52
that was wrong and you were wrong for that. I hate it.
1:19:55
It it's a physical pain to me to think of you being wrong because I,
1:19:59
it's not what I want. You.
1:20:00
Don't want to. Yeah. I.
1:20:01
Don't want, you're my daddy dumb. You're the one in charge. Uh,
1:20:05
I want to put you on a pedestal. We have had that conversation.
1:20:08
You're not on a pedestal, but I would love for you to be on one. Right. Um,
1:20:12
but knowing I can come to you and even in that discomfort. Yeah.
1:20:16
You'll just own it. You're like, yeah. Mm-hmm. .
1:20:18
Now let me say again, we said this earlier.
1:20:19
We're talking about the aftermath of an argument.
1:20:20
I'm going to tell you what I did wrong before.
1:20:23
You can tell me so that my psyche can handle it. ,
1:20:32
um, for me, and I,
1:20:34
and you tell me if this is true for you when you're the wronged one.
1:20:37
Like you're the one who gets, who gets to be right in that thing. Mm-hmm.
1:20:40
. 'cause the other person screwed up.
1:20:41
It almost feels good is not quite the right word,
1:20:47
but freeing to be able to go You were wrong.
1:20:51
You messed up and have the other person go. You're right.
1:20:54
'cause it's a validation. Yeah. And it's sort of a, a
1:20:58
clin cleaning the air. Like, um, there's an expression,
1:21:03
I can't think of the expression, but you let it all out into the open.
1:21:06
You get it out into the open. Yeah. I can't think of what,
1:21:08
and I can't think of the expression. It's gone. No, no. Um,
1:21:10
and being able to do that allows me to let go.
1:21:14
Now we go back again on the times I have fucked up.
1:21:17
I will tell you how I fucked up. Please don't tell me how I fucked up.
1:21:19
I know how I fucked up. I will recite my wrongs. It's fine.
1:21:23
You just nod and smile and go. Yes, you're correct.
1:21:26
And that way I don't have to hear the criticism. .
1:21:30
Now I have, I mean, the most recent one was Yeah, you're, you're oopsie.
1:21:35
I've done, I've been wrong on that end too. I've, you know mm-hmm.
1:21:39
malicious compliance, but not in a fun way. . You know,
1:21:43
like, I try, I'm desperately trying to be a good girl. So like, if I,
1:21:47
if it ever happens, it's probably not intentional.
1:21:51
But what do you need if I, you know, when I'm the one that fucks up,
1:21:55
what's gonna help you?
1:22:02
You just need me to recite my wrongs so that you can nod quietly.
1:22:05
That works for me. By the way, , if I haven't mentioned it,
1:22:08
you already do that. So we're, we're, we're,
1:22:11
which means I'm perfect and I'm good and I can, nobody can ever be mad at me.
1:22:15
I really need therapy. I know, I know . I know. Yeah.
1:22:21
. Um, yeah. Yeah, I know .
1:22:27
Yeah. So, uh, that's a lot of things. Yes.
1:22:32
Um, you know what, there's a common theme that I've noticed.
1:22:37
One is my least favorite word, patience. .
1:22:40
The other is my favorite communication. Mm. Yeah.
1:22:45
Um, yeah.
1:22:46
Because whether the stressful situation is happening to you and your poor
1:22:50
partners,
1:22:50
like on the outside watching it happen and trying to help you navigate it or
1:22:55
you've done it to each other. , you know,
1:23:00
mo most ills can usually be resolved with just clear communication, you know,
1:23:05
but, and understanding what the other person needs, you know, you know,
1:23:09
I need to hear I'm a good girl and to be validated. Like,
1:23:11
I don't make that a secret. Um, and most of the time, if you are not.
1:23:16
And butt rubs, you need butt.
1:23:17
Rubs. There's not enough of those on the planet. Um,
1:23:20
when it's something happening to me and you have to be witness to it mm-hmm.
1:23:23
, that'll be enough. Right. When it's stuff happening,
1:23:27
we're doing to one another,
1:23:28
or we're both going through it and it's increasing tension, you know,
1:23:32
sometimes it's just go to our separate corners,
1:23:34
but always come back to communication. Mm-hmm. . So, yeah. Yeah.
1:23:40
I have no idea if that was helpful for anybody.
1:23:42
I didn't even know if it was helpful for me. Was it helpful for you? I don't.
1:23:45
I don't know. Well.
1:23:47
Is helpful the right word? I dunno. , I dunno. Um,
1:23:52
yeah, that's all of them. Mm-hmm. . Um, I'll try to like, yeah,
1:23:56
I'll list them out in like the show notes page for podcast listeners mm-hmm.
1:24:01
and there'll be eventually timestamps on,
1:24:04
on YouTube to kind of see them all. 'cause there's a lot,
1:24:06
and we didn't even go through all the ones that therapy Jeff listed. Um, that's.
1:24:11
True.
1:24:12
But I, you know, I highly recommend what, you know,
1:24:15
if you're in a moment or a season where things are relatively relaxed and
1:24:19
comfortable and you can,
1:24:20
and you're not already stressed out with one another mm-hmm.
1:24:23
or about something that you can talk about these things in
1:24:25
advance. You can't game it out completely.
1:24:28
You cannot predict exactly what will happen,
1:24:30
but you might be able to arm yourself with tools to help you get through it.
1:24:33
Yeah. Like,
1:24:34
if you remember that your partner just needs to feel heard when they're going
1:24:38
through it mm-hmm. , then, you know,
1:24:41
maybe that's in your head and you slow down for a minute and go, that's right.
1:24:43
That they don't want me to give them answers. They just want to vent.
1:24:47
That is a thing I can do for them. Right? Yeah. Like, or if you're like,
1:24:50
oh shit, we're in an argument and maybe this is our first argument ever.
1:24:53
If you've never considered what might happen in an argument or how you,
1:24:58
how you know you are when things get heated. Right. And you,
1:25:02
each partner feels shocked by what's happening.
1:25:05
If you've never had the conversation,
1:25:06
you're not probably not gonna bring your best self to the resolution of that
1:25:09
argument if you have had the conversation ahead of time. And, you know,
1:25:13
my partner told me that they always do this when they're pissed.
1:25:16
And I know I always do that when I'm pissed. If you have it in your head,
1:25:19
you have a better chance of navigating it without blowing up the
1:25:24
relationship. Yeah. And here's the thing. Some of these things we've learned,
1:25:27
only in hindsight, we had to go through it with no plan. ,
1:25:32
uh, really pissed the other one off.
1:25:34
And then figured out as, as they used to say, kinda like the, uh,
1:25:37
school hard knocks. Yeah. Yeah.
1:25:39
And you wouldn't have a plan. It doesn't always go to plan. And so just,
1:25:43
just gotta throw the plan out Yep. And figure it out on the fly. Mm-hmm.
1:25:46
. And for all my fellow anxious people, planners out there,
1:25:49
I know that sucks. It sucks.
1:25:51
I would like to write my 10 point bullet plan and just go through it and like,
1:25:55
everything would be fine if it doesn't work that way. And that's okay.
1:25:57
That's true. But I do think there's always value in,
1:26:00
in trying to have the conversations before you need to have the conversation.
1:26:03
Yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay.
1:26:07
This went longer than I anticipated, but there we go.
1:26:09
Oh yeah. Wow.
1:26:10
But we, I think we, we did stay on topic. You did. So it was just a big topic.
1:26:14
Mm-hmm. , uh, and we will do, uh, a bonus section. Yep.
1:26:17
I don't know how much there is to say, but we'll do what we can. So, yeah.
1:26:21
All right. So, uh, are we good?
1:26:23
That's not for me to say. Keep it kinky, y'all, and we'll see you next week.
1:26:38
Daddy.
1:26:41
Yes, baby girl.
1:26:41
Can I talk to the crickets, please?
1:26:45
I suppose you can.
1:26:46
Okay.
1:26:48
I don't have anything major to say. Mm-hmm. Uh, I got to see the oldest, uh,
1:26:53
last Sunday. You did? Just me, myself, and I. Yep. Uh, he texted and said,
1:26:57
I need groceries. ,
1:26:59
can you come and take me to Aldi and buy my groceries? And I was like, well,
1:27:04
of course I can. Um.
1:27:07
Youngest and I stayed home. Yep.
1:27:08
Yep. Uh, the youngest is going through it and
1:27:14
I'm waiting for.
1:27:15
Catch you later, ex have a good one.
1:27:17
Different people at the school to stop ignoring me and answer my fucking
1:27:22
questions. . Yeah. Um, so there's that.
1:27:25
I don't wanna have to be that parent that has to rock up there and stand there
1:27:28
and go, I've emailed 85 million times, I need somebody to come talk to me.
1:27:31
But we're getting to that point. . Um.
1:27:35
Well, I'm sorry. Should've learned, I mean, that's kind of started last year.
1:27:40
I think that's just been school systems probably since the dawn of time.
1:27:45
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. .
1:27:46
But certainly for the past 20 to th like,
1:27:47
the more resources get cut and the more that there's not enough time,
1:27:52
energy, money, people to go around for every student who has needs.
1:27:57
Yeah. The more this happens,
1:27:58
like I get it and I am empathetic to the adults trying to
1:28:03
make school happen. . However, my top priority is my kit. Right.
1:28:08
And I try not to be an unreasonable human being, and I know those exist,
1:28:13
and I try never to be that parent. Okay.
1:28:16
But the problem is, it's a squeaky wheel situation. If I became that parent,
1:28:21
I would get answers immediately because nobody wants to fucking deal with that
1:28:25
person . But I don't wanna be that person, so I get fucking ignored.
1:28:30
They're like, oh, well,
1:28:30
she's not to the point where she's frothing at the mouth yet.
1:28:34
So we just won't answer that email.
1:28:39
.
1:28:42
It's fine.
1:28:42
Deep.
1:28:42
Breath. I.
1:28:43
Know. Deep breath.
1:28:45
Um, what else?
1:28:49
What have you got going on?
1:28:51
Um, I, I have been working, working, working. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
1:28:55
. Um, I,
1:28:59
I think my little rant on, on
1:29:04
Friday night and the hangout about, you know,
1:29:06
us not having fall weather may have worked. Um, the fall.
1:29:12
Gods heard you.
1:29:13
. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Work better than your emails .
1:29:20
Um, we, we've got slightly cooler weather here. We've.
1:29:24
Just got less humidity too. Yeah. Which has been pleasant.
1:29:27
Um, which is is nice in and of itself. I'll,
1:29:30
I'll take slightly cooler over no cooler. Right. Um.
1:29:35
Center of the sun, uh,
1:29:39
in space next to the sun. I mean,
1:29:40
I feel like that's the that's the difference we're we're dealing.
1:29:43
With. Yeah. We'll take it. Yeah. And, uh, you know,
1:29:45
that that's made it a little bit more enjoyable to step outside the door in the
1:29:50
morning mm-hmm. .
1:29:51
Mm-hmm.
1:29:51
. And, uh, you know,
1:29:54
I I I've been working on, on a lot of stuff.
1:29:59
Um, I'll, I'll talk some of it. I'll,
1:30:03
most of it I'll talk more about in the, uh, uh, behind the scenes.
1:30:08
Yeah. That's a.
1:30:09
Stuff coming up. There's.
1:30:10
A podcast thing we do Pats Yeah, yeah. On, on Patreon where we do a mm-hmm.
1:30:14
an episode where we just talk about what we're working on Yeah.
1:30:16
And what's going on in our personal lives. True, true, true. More so than Yes,
1:30:19
these episodes where we talk about.
1:30:20
That too. Yeah.
1:30:21
More details. More.
1:30:22
Details. So, um, you know, and, and I, I've, I'm,
1:30:26
I'm at one of those points, and you'll,
1:30:29
you'll understand this better than anybody where I've just got so many ideas
1:30:33
floating around in the head, you know? Yeah, yeah. Uhhuh .
1:30:37
Yeah. And, and, you know, I, I have to, uh,
1:30:42
I'm, I'm at a point where, you know, I haven't said anything because I,
1:30:46
I know we've, we've talked about, you know, how I am kind of, um,
1:30:51
at a certain point where I cannot take on much more.
1:30:55
Mm-hmm. You can have all the ideas in the world,
1:30:56
but you just can't manufacture more time . Exactly.
1:30:59
Exactly.
1:31:01
Exactly. I know, I know. It's the,
1:31:04
it's the bane of my existence, that reality, that fact.
1:31:09
Mm-hmm. . Yep. Mm-hmm. . So, um, I'm,
1:31:12
I'm a little grateful for the, for the cooler weather. I've noticed that, uh,
1:31:17
the lawn has not grown very much since.
1:31:21
I know we are able to get two weeks without mowing the lawn.
1:31:23
And that felt like a vacation. Yeah.
1:31:25
Yeah.
1:31:27
I mean,
1:31:27
we're gonna get out of the half to mow your lawn every week thing and go into
1:31:31
the, it's.
1:31:32
Oh my God. The, the leaves, the yard is covered with leaves.
1:31:35
Right. But we're in the middle right now. Yeah.
1:31:36
So leaves are falling and the grass is, uh, not growing quite as much mm-hmm.
1:31:41
. But we're also in the middle of love bug season.
1:31:43
So you walk outside and you might get two combined bugs
1:31:48
smacking you in the face. Yeah.
1:31:51
Yeah. So I, I, I had a few of them wander into the shop the other day,
1:31:56
you know, but, um, you know, and, and, and understand something, some,
1:32:01
you know, you, some of y'all, you, you think of fall, it's like, oh,
1:32:05
the leaves turn color and they, they fall off the trees and, you know,
1:32:08
that's why we.
1:32:09
Call it fall, y'all.
1:32:10
Yeah. Um, no, the, the type of tree we have in our yard,
1:32:14
which pretty much covers the entire front yard because it, it's a Laurel Oak.
1:32:20
Um, it is a beautiful tree. I love that tree. Uh,
1:32:23
it gives the front of the house such beautiful shade. Mm-hmm.
1:32:27
and blocks the, the sun at the hottest point of the day here.
1:32:30
Mm-hmm. . Um,
1:32:33
but fall with this tree starts
1:32:39
a little bit now, uh,
1:32:41
but really starts in October and doesn't truly end
1:32:46
until almost January mm-hmm.
1:32:49
.
1:32:49
And somehow there's enough leaves that keep falling that we have to rake every
1:32:54
week.
1:32:54
There's not like one or two big like times to rake and then you're done .
1:32:58
It's like, Nope, nope. It found some more leaves. No. That we're.
1:33:02
Ready to come down. Somehow this tree has enough leaves on it that it drops,
1:33:06
leaves for several months. .
1:33:09
But if I have to pick between dealing with leaves in air,
1:33:13
quote this word. 'cause I can, I can hear Canadians rolling your eyes already.
1:33:18
The height of our winter air quote, winter. Yeah. I will take that over.
1:33:23
Having to decide how early
1:33:28
is early enough to mow the lawn so that we don't piss off the
1:33:33
neighbors, but also we don't melt. Yeah. And that being our decision every week.
1:33:38
Mm-hmm. . So, yeah.
1:33:40
Excuse me. Yeah. So.
1:33:42
So yeah. It's mm-hmm. You know, weather.
1:33:45
Yep.
1:33:47
Um.
1:33:47
And that, that's really been about it. Yeah. We've, uh, you know,
1:33:51
we've been watching some TV shows here and there in between mm-hmm.
1:33:55
, we.
1:33:55
Finished Good Omen season two. Yep. And I am,
1:33:59
I know it'll be a hot minute before we get to season three, but I'm mm-hmm.
1:34:02
desperate for it. Yeah. Um.
1:34:05
Especially the way it ended. Oh God. Not gonna go into it for anybody who.
1:34:09
So good, but also so bad also.
1:34:11
Ah, yeah.
1:34:12
Yeah.
1:34:12
Yeah, yeah. And, um, you know, we are, we're making our way through,
1:34:17
um, some brain candy tv.
1:34:20
Legends of Tomorrow, legends.
1:34:21
Of DC Legends of tomorrow. We're.
1:34:23
In the last season. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:34:26
And, uh, we've already got a couple shows picked out.
1:34:29
To watch after.
1:34:30
To watch after . Yep.
1:34:34
Which, you know, that's, it's, that means that things are relatively calm Yeah.
1:34:37
When we can actually think mm-hmm. , gee,
1:34:39
what TV show would we like to watch? So we'll take it. Um,
1:34:43
Lola is good. Yep. Onyx and Ella are good.
1:34:48
Everything is as good as mm-hmm.
1:34:51
good as it can be. Can be.
1:34:52
Yep. Um, and yeah, so that's us. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Anything else? No,
1:34:57
I think we should probably.
1:34:58
Go, I think we should probably go keep it a little short since we did go long,
1:35:02
but you know, that's, it's okay.
1:35:03
Yeah. Some, some topics you just go long on. It's true.
1:35:06
As long as we stay on topic, I think it's okay. That's true.
1:35:08
And Lola's dreaming.
1:35:09
And Lola's dreaming again.
1:35:10
. Oh, that's what I meant to tell you. You,
1:35:13
while you were not moving over in the bed and letting me have space. Mm-hmm.
1:35:18
or, uh, in the middle of the night, woke up and went,
1:35:20
that's my cell phone. Actually, you didn't wake up, you were dreaming.
1:35:22
That's my cell phone. And then garble, garble, garble.
1:35:25
I didn't understand what you were talking about.
1:35:26
I don't know what your dream was,
1:35:27
but you were adamant that that was your cell phone.
1:35:30
I don't know what the dream was.
1:35:33
I don't know. Remember what the dream was either .
1:35:35
And then after that, then I got you to roll over, so.
1:35:37
Okay. There was that. Okay. Anyway, anyway, .
1:35:40
On that note.
1:35:41
? Yep. Okay. Yeah, no, I, no memory of, of any dream or anything,
1:35:46
so mm-hmm.
1:35:46
Mm-hmm. Adamant that that was your cell phone.
1:35:49
Yeah, my phone, dammit. Mm-hmm. . . Mm-hmm. .
1:35:52
Almost your Dom voice.
1:35:54
Oh.
1:35:54
Goodness. I don't know. I don't know. I'd like to know,
1:35:56
but I don't know on that. We're gonna go . Yeah.
1:35:59
Thanks for joining us folks. Yep.
1:36:01
Thanks for staying sticking with us to the bitter end. Mm-hmm. .
1:36:03
We love y'all. Yep.
1:36:04
Bye. Bye.