Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Really Love Your Husband?

Transcript

Do You Really Love Your Husband? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Today we're going to be talking about whether you really love
• 0:12
  your husband and this could be a thought provoking topic that
• 0:16
  could lead to a lot of self examination in women, which is
• 0:21
  what I always aim for. For both genders, of course, is
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  self examination and a new take on something that you thought
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  was obvious or that you thought that you were already good at.
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  Well, maybe you're not, and that leads to a lot of growth.
• 0:34
  When we stop growing, you might as well be dead, at least from
• 0:36
  my perspective. Anyway, before that, please do
• 0:39
  subscribe. The next one to come out will be
• 0:41
  a subscriber episode. And the prior subscriber episode
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  was when Your wife Won't Go Down on you, which is related to
• 0:50
  today's episode. All right, so how is it related?
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  I mean, unless you're in a coma, you would know how it would be
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  related. So there are a lot of women who
• 1:00
  say that they love their husband, but they do not do
• 1:02
  anything in that man's love language at all.
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  Most commonly, men's love language is physical touch, and
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  that includes sex. And although it's not only sex,
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  and I have a whole podcast on how physical touch love language
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  does not mean sex. But for most men, they have a
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  high sex drive and also a physical touch love language.
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  So they have both. And there's a lot of women that
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  talk about being a good mother as though it's being a Good
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  Wife. So they say they love their
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  husband. And if I say what are examples
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  of that? They say I take care of
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  everything with the kids and I take care of everything with the
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  home. And this is this everybody's
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  favorite line. He never has to worry about the
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  kids. Like that's that's like always
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  the big one. Like, let me let me let me
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  explain something like, that's nice, but like guys who get
• 1:50
  divorced do their half of the stuff, too, and it's not
• 1:54
  considered there. I've never yet heard a divorce
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  guy say, you know what, I wish I was still married because then
• 2:00
  she would be scheduling this orthodontist appointment instead
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  of me. I just never heard it, you know?
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  I mean, it's it's interesting because this goes a lot with my
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  podcast about how guys don't value acts of service.
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  They don't. I mean, usually there are some
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  more traditional guys or guys that were raised in homes where
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  for culturally or whatever, like making food was like a really
• 2:20
  big thing, so now they really like it.
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  Or guys who like their mother never made them any food and so
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  they saw other little boys, mommies make them food or
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  whatever or on TV. And so now, like a woman making
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  them cookies or making them a special dinner is nice.
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  It's always nice. Does it usually get to the level
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  of sex? No, it doesn't.
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  So, or even words of affirmation.
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  Like I appreciate you doing XYZ. No, not usually.
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  Sometimes I mean based on the guy.
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  But according to the guys that I see, the number one by far is
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  physical touch slash sex. That's like the biggest love
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  language by far. And that is really the opposite.
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  As I've discussed in yet another podcast, acts of service and
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  physical touch are pretty much opposites because you can
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  outsource acts of service the most easily out of all the love
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  languages. But you can outsource physical
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  touch slash sex the least easily, at least ethically,
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  within monogamy. So there's all these women that
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  say things like I'm taking care of the kids, so that makes me a
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  Good Wife. He could tell I love him because
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  I do all this stuff around the house, yet he doesn't really
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  care, you know, Like if you stopped cleaning, for example,
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  he would just get a cleaner or he might clean or he wouldn't
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  clean. You know, Like it's it's not a
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  thing that shows that you love him.
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  So then some women say, well, I tell him I love him.
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  And so then when we go in depth, this is like at the end of the
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  calls he says love you and you say love you too.
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  So I mean, I don't know. You really saying you love him?
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  I mean, yeah, I guess, I mean, as much as when I say to
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  somebody, how are you? And they say, fine, it's like a
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  call and response. It just means like, we are
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  people, we are awake and we understand what we're supposed
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  to do when somebody says something.
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  So it's not really meaningful. So then, of course some people
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  are gonna be like, so does that mean the only way to show that I
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  love my husband is by having sex?
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  Yeah. No, I mean, maybe maybe yes,
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  maybe no. I mean no.
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  Obviously it's not the only way. Like, of course there's no man
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  with a heart that's going to, like, not appreciate if you get
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  him some special gift that you really looked out for or
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  whatever. But you know that here, here's
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  what it really is. If the man has said he has a
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  specific love language, and usually it's physical touch and
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  you don't do that one, but then you do the special gift, are you
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  really acting, loving? No, not really.
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  If your kids said that the number one thing that they
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  wanted for their birthday was like, you know, a certain
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  sweatshirt and instead you bought them like a pair of
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  pants, or is it a good gift? It's not, you know, does it show
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  that you're attuned to them? It doesn't.
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  So you may So, so there's two types of women who are listening
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  to this, one that loves their husband genuinely and has really
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  not thought about the fact that if you don't do what the person
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  themselves values, then are you really being loving?
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  Because remember, love is a verb.
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  I like that quote because it's true.
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  Love is a verb. Everybody knows that with a
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  baby, you cannot love a baby from afar, You know, I mean, you
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  can, but they die, you know, I mean, if you got to be in there,
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  like physically, you know, touching and cuddling and loving
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  your baby or they die of failure to thrive, which is very sad.
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  That's what happens, you know, when they don't have parents and
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  stuff, so in institutions. But anyway, the point is, it's
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  the same with adults. They don't die, but they
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  emotionally die when they feel that you don't really love them.
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  As a verb, you know, like if your husband loved you.
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  But like, how I have the podcast, like, there's no way to
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  be a loving husband without doing chores.
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  There's just no way to see your wife doing all the shit, walking
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  past you with the trash with this, with that.
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  You're sitting there on your ass.
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  She's making all the lunches. She's doing all this stuff.
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  I don't see this a lot in my office.
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  Of course, those women in this situation can't drag those guys
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  into couples counseling because they don't do anything these
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  men. But and there do exists men like
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  this, just like there exists women like this that don't
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  really do much and they're depressed, they have ADHD, they
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  have addiction, whatever, but they don't do anything.
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  But there's are those men being a loving husband?
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  Is it being a loving husband to say, oh sweetheart, you look so
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  beautiful, They're struggling by yourself to drag the trash bin
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  to the curb before you get in and do three more hours of
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  housework and parent the kids and put them all to bed.
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  And then you drop asleep, and then you wake up early to do the
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  whole thing over again while I sleep late.
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  If he says that she looks beautiful, if he says that she's
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  the most wonderful woman and he loves her so much, does he
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  really know he does not. If he thinks he does, he's
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  delusional. And it's the same thing as the
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  woman who rejects her husband's sexual overtures and refuses to
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  be open minded in the bedroom. And by open minded, for some
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  women, that just means having sex at all.
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  Hopefully you can do better than just having sex at all, but you
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  know it. Can you really love somebody
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  without at all responding to what their love language is?
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  I mean, only in theory, you know, not, not really in any
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  sort of meaningful way. Because then you're not loving
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  them like a verb, you know, You're just you're loving them
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  in some other way, which is not really love.
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  Now there's other women listening who don't really love
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  their husband, you know, and this.
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  And then it's really kind of uncomfortable to listen to this
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  because they're like, no, you know what?
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  I have too many unresolved empathic ruptures.
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  There's too much bitterness, too much water under the bridge.
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  And when I think about making him happy, honestly makes me
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  uncomfortable because I think who the fuck is he that he
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  should be happy Because I'm so unhappy.
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  You know, and I've told him all these years that, you know, he
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  needs to do this, that and the other, and he needs to pay
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  attention to me and he needs to be more romantic or he needs to
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  do shit around the house and he doesn't.
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  So you know what? If the only way that I could
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  love him is by doing stuff that he wants, and I guess I don't
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  love him. And you know what?
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  I really don't. Well, you know, if you're in
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  that situation, then you probably should be in couples
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  counseling. You probably should not be
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  saying love you too at the end of the phone calls because it's
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  not real. You know, you really don't.
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  You don't love it. If you will not.
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  Here's a definition. If you will not go out of your
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  way for somebody, if you will not go out of your comfort zone
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  for somebody, then I don't think you really love them.
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  You know, I and and it could be something really to introspect
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  about because with your kids, it's like, so funny like to get
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  women and couples counseling that they said, but I don't want
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  to sleep with him. I'd say, yeah, but, like, do you
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  want to do everything you do as a parent?
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  Oh no, of course not. Well, then, I mean, like, is it
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  not the same thing? You don't do what you, But how
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  do you? How can you have a relationship
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  that's meaningful with another human being while also still
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  only doing what you want to do? Of course you wouldn't think you
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  could do that as a parent. You wouldn't even think you
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  could do that as a friend. So like when your friend asks
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  you to go for pizza, but you would rather go for Chinese, but
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  they had this whole thing planned that the pizzeria and
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  it's their birthday and they like pizza.
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  Do you say no, I only Chinese food?
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  No, of course you don't. You know, you try to go with the
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  flow, go outside your comfort zone and do something you don't
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  want to do for the sake of the relationship.
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  So if you're not willing to do that for a partner, then do you
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  really love them? I think it's just like a tree
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  falls in the forest type of question, and it's something to
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  really, really introspect about. Now, why would people get into
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  this situation where they don't understand this, where like they
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  don't get instinctively that we go out of our comfort zone for
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  people that we love? Well, what am I going to say, if
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  you're a faithful listener of this podcast, it is.
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  It is rooted in the family of origin, obviously.
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  You likely saw parents in a loveless marriage.
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  Maybe they still said I love you, but they didn't show love
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  as a verb. If you had seen love as a verb
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  and people going outside of their own comfort zone and going
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  out of their way for each other, then this would be second nature
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  to you. Probably.
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  Thank God for at least the majority of people at some time.
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  No matter how nuts your parent was, at some point they did go
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  outside of their comfort zone for you or do something they
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  didn't want to do for you. That's the truth.
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  I mean, you know, thankfully the majority of people, even if the
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  home was very dysfunctional, even if the parent was a
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  complete alcoholic or or borderline narcissistic
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  whatever, sometimes they did shit that they didn't want to
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  do. You could tell if you ever got
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  fed, because if you got fed, it's not obviously, as you know
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  now from being a parent, this is not the most fun thing in the
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  world to think about food all the time.
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  Now of course, some people were very severely neglected and they
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  did not get fed. In those cases, of course you
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  you definitely are going to have trouble.
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  I completely understand with relationships, because you
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  didn't get even your most basic needs met, so that truly you
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  really should be in therapy. This is a terrible, you know,
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  sort of foundation that you were given.
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  And you know, I do see people in that situation that face
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  terrible abuse or neglect. But the interesting thing is
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  even in those situations, even when there's terrible abuse and
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  neglect, usually, in fact every time really I've ever thought
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  about because you know, with people that had this sort of
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  thing at some point in therapy, we do talk about were there any
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  positives so that the person can get some sort of feeling like
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  you know what, it wasn't all bad.
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  It's probable my parent was very disordered but was doing in some
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  ways sometimes something for me because that can be reassuring,
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  you know. And even when I used to work as
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  an intern with kids that were in a group home whose parents had
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  relinquished parental rights, they usually had a couple of
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  examples of a parent doing something for them.
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  You know, that the necessarily that the parent didn't
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  necessarily want to do, you know, like in a in a global
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  sense, like you know, making them a meal or you know,
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  something that the parent wouldn't have done if the child
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  was not sitting there in the room, Right.
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  So the parent went out of their way, in a sense for the child,
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  even if it is such a low level thing.
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  In in when a child has been abused or neglected.
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  They don't have many examples, but they have some.
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  And you know what is so depressing?
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  Those children in those situations, they have more
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  examples of somebody going out of their way for them.
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  A parent that actually they were taken from in many situations or
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  that relinquish parental rights. They have more examples than
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  like Joe and Jane, average marital couple.
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  Honestly that comes in for couples counseling because
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  people will go for decades not doing anything for each other
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  but remaining married now what kind of example is that for the
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  children? How are your children going to
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  learn how to get outside their their own comfort zone or do
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  something for a spouse when they have not seen it literally at
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  all? Basically, mom does what she
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  wants and takes care of us. Dad does what he wants and takes
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  care of us, and Mom and dad never do anything for each
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  other. That's a very sad situation for
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  the children because the children then do not learn how
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  to be a loving spouse. I mean, it's it's even just for
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  that you should go into couples counseling, you know, I mean to
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  learn how to do something those that the children see that
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  people do things for each other within a loving relationship
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  because how are they going to do that without a template?
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  I mean, shit, why don't you do it because you didn't have a
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  template. In 99% of situations, you don't
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  do it because you didn't see it. So I say to people, oh, you
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  know, it's very hard for you to get outside your comfort zone
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  for your spouse. How often did you see your
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  parents do that? And they're like, oh Oh well,
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  shit, now that you mention it. Never, never, never ever, ever.
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  My parents barely talked to each other, or they constantly
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  fought, or they got divorced and nobody remarried.
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  And basically I never saw anybody do that, ever.
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  So then don't replicate that same thing for your children,
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  right? Because if they have no template
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  of how to be a kind and loving spouse or how to go outside
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  their comfort zone for somebody, then they will not do it.
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  That will end up in the same kind of shitty marriage that you
• 13:57
  are unfortunately in. If you're in this situation, and
• 14:01
  if it makes your stomach twist to think about doing something
• 14:04
  outside of your comfort zone for your partner, then couples
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  therapy or individual therapy would be recommended forthwith.
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  Because you know, it's it's. If you can't get over that hump
• 14:17
  of bitterness and resentment such that you can act like a
• 14:19
  loving spouse, then you know, it may be best not to be around.
• 14:23
  Because as I said, you know, in like your kids are learning what
• 14:28
  it is to be married from you. And if the home is filled with
• 14:31
  bitterness and resentment and coldness and conflict, that is
• 14:36
  not good for them. I have so much stuff about what
• 14:38
  marital conflict does. And there's a lot of people that
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  tell me they don't have any marital conflict, by the way.
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  And then when we talk about it, they're like, oh, well, yeah, I
• 14:46
  mean, of course, like we snipe at each other, but I mean, we
• 14:48
  don't like, throw things like my parents used to.
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  No, no, I'm talking about conflict.
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  Conflict is fighting, arguing, sniping, sarcastic remarks,
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  passive aggressive remarks, ignoring one another.
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  You know, all of these things are tools in in and and ways and
• 15:04
  to express conflict and the children pick up on conflict and
• 15:07
  it hurts them all right. Well, I hope that you guys got
• 15:10
  something out of this. I hope that you subscribe.
• 15:12
  My next one's going to be subscriber only.
• 15:14
  If you like talking about these things with me, then join my
• 15:18
  Facebook group. I post in there a lot.
• 15:20
  It's only 499 a month blue subscribe button on Facebook on
• 15:23
  my The Doctor Psych Mom Facebook page and I will talk to y'all
• 15:26
  soon. Bye, bye.