Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1281 - The 4 Layers of Resilience, With Tim Curtis

Transcript

#1281 - The 4 Layers of Resilience, With Tim Curtis · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: The SAS is a special unit in Australia's military. It's
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: called the Special Air Service. Mister Tim Curtis is a
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: senior partner at Metal Global Holdings, a senior consultant with
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: more than twenty years of leadership a management experience, and
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: he served in the SAS. He's been on the missions
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: that we usually only see in the movies.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: He's got the kind.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Of experience with stress and the experience with building resilience
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: that most of us could never even imagine. And recently
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I sat down and had a conversation with Tim Curtis
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: about stress, about resilience and how we can bring up
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: strong kids. Why because he's got a brand new book
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: coming out. The book is called Building Resilient Kids. And
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: on Saturday, I'm going to play the entire conversation today
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: a couple of sneak peaks. The insights are valuable and
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I couldn't wait to Saturday to share at least some
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: of it. It's a long introduction, let's get on with it. Hello,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson. I'm here with my wife, missus Happy Families.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Kylie not feeling great today?
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: Honey, I'm not feeling great. I'm not feeling resilient, a
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: little bit of a scratchy throat. So hopefully we can
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: get through.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: This all right, Real parenting solutions every day. This is
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Let's just crack straight into it.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to do is play
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: what Tim had to say about stress. Why because so
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: many parents are worried about the kids experiencing stress. So
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: many parents I don't want their kids to experience the
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: things that they went through because stress feels well stressful.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: This is what he had to say about the usefulness
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: of stress.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: We think about stress like it is all incredibly negative,
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: but Yerks and Dods and two researchers over one hundred
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: years ago prove that some stress in our life is beneficial.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: We can't have too little stress, we can't have too
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: much stress, but the right amount of stress drives us
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: to optimize performance. And the second comment I've made so
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: that is the thing called resilience, which is a big
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: word that hopefully we've codified in a fairly coherent way.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: It varies by degree, not kind. So that amount of
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: stress in your life my life the life of our
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: parents should be the same amount of stress in our kids' life,
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: but it varies by degree, not kind, so it's relative stress.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Perhaps if I can cite one example, my youngest did
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: not want to go to her year ten school camp.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: She said, Dad, I've got anxiety. I don't want to go,
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: making me anxious. I'm not going to survive the school camp. Now,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: back when we were growing up, that wasn't that's ronical term,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: that word anxiety. It was just called nervous. We said, nope,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: you're going to go. You'll grow from it. And on
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: the other side of disturbance and disruption is growth. And
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: so off she went. She came back, had an incredible time,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: and twelve months later she's in the United States instructing
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: at a summer camp herself. A little bit of st
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: is useful.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: I love this for so many reasons. We talked about
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: the idea that we can have emotions but not be
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: the emotion, that we can actually experience things but not
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: identify as them. And this week a post came up
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: in my feed that just resonated beautifully with me. The
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: idea that the emotions we experience as a result of
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: stress in our lives are actually these amazing signals. Signals. Yeah,
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: they give us information and if we utilize them, they
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: actually can bless our lives in amazing ways. So just
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: a few that came that stood out to me in
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: this post was anger. Anger is is energy with a purpose.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: It builds when something challenges your values, it disrespects your
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: boundaries or disrupts your sense of justice. Instead of letting
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: it take over, turn it into change.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: Guilt.
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: Guilt is a sign that you're actions don't align with
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: your values, so let it guide you, not punish you. Frustration.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: Frustration is the feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: It's a sign that something isn't working either shift your
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: approach or your expectations.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really nice one. The frustration tolerance that
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I'm always talking about fits really nicely there. I'm putting
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of effort, I'm not getting the outcome that
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I want. And if we can help our children to
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: understand it, the stress that comes from this frustration is
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: productive that by continuing to work in that zone of learning,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: that pit of what feels like despair sometimes will ultimately
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: strengthen them, help them to build the muscles that they
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: need so that this thing no longer no longer creates
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the frustration for them, Kytie. I want to pick up
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: on a couple of things that he said as well.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: First of all, he talked about the Yerx Dodson law.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I think it was developed in like nineteen oh eight
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: or something like that. And this is something that I've
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: used with our own kids, and I've used it in many,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: many counseling and conversation situations that I've had, where you
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: basically draw this camel hump. At the bottom of the
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: hump on the left hand side. What you're saying is
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: there's no arousal, there's no anxiety, there's no stress, and
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: therefore performance really low. But counterintuitively, as stress and anxiety
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: and arousali go up, performance improves. Why because you actually
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: care about it, you're making an effort. There's a level
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: of stress on your body until you reach this peak level.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: If you get too much arousal, too much stress, too
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: much anxiety, then performance starts to drop down the other
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: side of the hump again. And so that's what the
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Erks Dodson law is. I just think he absolutely nailed
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: it with what he said there The other thing that
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: really stood out to me was this he said, on
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the other side of disturbance and disruption, in other words,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: on the other side of anxiety and stress is growth.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: So I'm constantly saying this on the pod. Avoidance reinforces anxiety.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: But you know what.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Activates growth is action, action, moving towards it, leaning in,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: getting curious, taking that anxiety, that stress, that worry, and
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: saying all right, I need to learn more about this.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I need to step into it, not step away from it.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: I was doing a seminar recently and a phrase just
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: popped into my head. It didn't pop into my head
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: so much as it popped out of my mouth, and
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: then my head heard it and went, oh, that's really good.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I said, there's no triumph without trial. There's no triumph
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: without trial. And that's really I think what Tim's getting
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: at here. Well, I know that's what Tim's getting at here.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: You don't know you're resilient, so you have to do
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: the hard things. And so by protecting our kids from
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: doing hard things, they don't have the opportunity to flex
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: that resilience muscle.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: After the break, the thing that he said that really
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: cattured me about the different layers of resilience. Okay, Kylie,
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: we're talking about Tim Curtis. He's got a book coming
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: out of the next few days. It's called Building Resilient Kids.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Just check online you'll be able to find at Tim
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Curtis Building Resilient Kids. The other thing that he said, Kylie,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: that really really grabbed me. He talked about this thing
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: that I haven't come across before, the four layers of resilience.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: The four truly modifiable layers are the mind layer. It's
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: the importance of mindset and also the importance of meditation
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: and mindfulness practices, which yes, you can teach by agent
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: stage to a toddle of Wadler tween and teen. Then
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: there's the body layer. Unsurprisingly, sleep, diet, and exercise. They
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: exist in this healthy trinity. Anything you do on one
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: of those angles influences the other angle. And I get
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: no prizes for telling you and your listeners that that
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: when we're under stress load, what are the first three
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: things that go inevitably it's.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Exercise, we eat lousies, stoping in our bodies, and get
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: less sleep.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, that's right. That's right. And then there's the
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: social layers, so the importance of social support systems, the
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: people that are there for you, that you're there for.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Then the professional lay. If we suck at our job,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: it's likely to bring more stress in our life. This
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: is about improving confidence and competence to overcome adversities in
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: our professional life, including is stay at home parents if
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: that's the profession that you have.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: I never heard of this idea or concept of four
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: layers to building resilience.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, four different domains where it matters, I guess.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that the mind is the first layer because,
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: as we know, the way we think impacts so much
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: of what we actually do.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: You are what you think. You are what you think,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: and what you think shapes your habits, and your habits
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: shape your life.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: And mindsets at the absolute forefront of all of that.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: So I love that. I love the idea and your
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: acknowledgment that when we're under stressed, the three things that
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: get just hammered every single time is our ability to sleep,
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: the kinds of foods that we eat. We crave the
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: crappiest food when we're stressed.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Well, it's because our willpower is low and we're just
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: looking for a quick fix, A quick fix. Yeah, just
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: got to turn our resources to other things.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: And unfortunately our motivation is low then as well also, right,
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: so exercise goes out the window. Social supports. This is
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: just it's so huge. And I think what we're witnessing
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: so much in our young kids, and I think across
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: the board all of us, is this lack of social
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: systems and social support structures because we are so busy
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: and looking down all the time.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: It's so funny because the more I think about resilience,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: the more I think about the conversation we're having now.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: It's really simple, like, if you want to live a
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: happy life, focus on building good relationships, look after your
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: body and your health by getting enough sleep, moving your body,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: and eating good food. Stay off screens, get outside and
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: be in nature. Like, do those things and you'll pretty
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: much be okay, you'll be resilient. You'll do enough hard things.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: It's just it's what we do for our well being.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Anyway.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: As you can tell, Tim's got a lot to offer.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And I asked him about some of the missions that
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: he served, what he was doing militarily when he was
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: in the SAS, and how that taught him about resilience
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: as well. The conversation is really really intriguing and a
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: delightful one, and we'll play the entire thing for you
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: on Saturday. That's it for now. Though The Happy Family's
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, Mim
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Hammonds provides the research and a whole lot of other support.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: We appreciate both Justin and Mim. If you think that
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: your family will be happier because of this episode, would
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: you take a minute and share it. Maybe there's somebody
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: that you know who would also benefit from a quick
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: conversation about resilience, stress, and doing better in life with
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: these couple of ideas, Just click a couple of buttons,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: shoot it through. It won't take you any time at all,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: and it might just make a difference in somebody else's life.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: If you like information and more resources about making your
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: family happier, check out Happy Families dot com dot au
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: and more details about Tim's new book in the show notes.