Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #172 Emotion Regulation For Parents with Marc Brackett

Transcript

#172 Emotion Regulation For Parents with Marc Brackett · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: A life without passion is a life that's filled with
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: struggles and challenges. They've got to find things that they're
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: passionate about in so much away. Research with adolescents shows
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: that they're tired, they're bored in school, and it just
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: breaks my heart that they don't have passion.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: wants answers.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: Hello, I'm doctor Justin Coulson and I'm joined today by
• 0:29
  Speaker 4: my co host and my wife, Missus. Happy Family is
• 0:31
  Speaker 4: Kylie Coulson, with the parents of six kids. I've authored
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: six books about raising happy families.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: Someone we've loved chatting to over the course of this
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: month is Mark.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Bracket, Professor Mark Brackett, Thank very much.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Mark is an emotional I go to say that all
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: the time. Emotion not emotional. He's an emotion scientist.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: He's on an emotional scientist. He might be now and then.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: He is, yes, but he's an emotion scientist. And he's
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: a professor and the director of the Yell Center of
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Emotional Intelligence, so he's pretty switched on with this stuff.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: He knows this stuff.
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: We spoke to Mark last week about emotional intelligence.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Your kid did not trigger you. You constructed that trigger,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: right because five people there, wife's that kid be here?
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Like that's an important piece for parents to understand.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: And as you heard, Mark spoke a lot about the
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: triggers that can set us off in our parenting journey.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: We've got Mark back for one last chat.
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: Before Christmas because Franklin, we love talking to him and
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: he's got so much wisdom.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Mark, thank you so much for being with us again.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: We really appreciate it.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: It's a pleasure to be on your podcast and then
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: help it's helpful.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: I'd love to find out more about how we can
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: regulate those emotions and stop being triggered so easily. It
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: seems to be like the peak word at the moment,
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: it's twenty twenty.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: We're all being triggered.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: So and pointant is not you know, calm is not
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: always the answer, right. Sometimes you want to be high
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: energy and sometimes you want to show your anger because
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: there is something that there's a fire in the house. Right.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: But I think it's really about the parents number one,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: being very highly self aware, right you like, for example,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: during this coronavirus you know, COVID crisis, I have become
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: so aware of my own triggers, like more than I
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: ever have before, because I'm in quarantine with my family.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm not used to being home, Like I'm
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: home right now. My mother in law is living with us.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: She's not supposed to be living with us, but she
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: got stuck here because she can't get back to Panama.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: And so it's like, wow, Mark, Like maybe you need
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: to enter the day through the lens of your best
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: self as a husband. What would that look like? And
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: so that's a strategy that we ask parents to do,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: is just take a moment and think about the parent
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: that you want to be. How do you want to
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: be seen, how do you want to be talked about,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: how do you want to be experienced as a parent,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: And like literally just spend time writing out the words compassionate, loving.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I did some research on this recently, and the number
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: one word, at least here in America is patient. Like
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: every parent is just like they've lost their patience. So
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: like when you wake up in the morning, maybe you
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: draw the word patients in your mirror in your bathroom.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: You're like, today, when I walk down for breakfast, I'm
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: going to be the patient dad, the patient, Mom, I'm
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: going to be caring, I'm going to be loving, I'm
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: going to be compassionate. And we know that that helps.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It's it's a prevention strategy because so much of our
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: emotion regulation is about reaction, right, it's about like not
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: being prepared and they're like boom. Instead we're asking people
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: be preventionists, right, think about your best self in advance,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: and then if you enter through that lens, like I
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: do that with my mother in law because she's driving
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: that in my mind. And I work outside now in
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: the backyard. It's a while, and then I have to
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: come in and it's a meal, and then it's a
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: whole thing with the meal. And so I'm like, Mark,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: you are the best freaking son in law that ever existed.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: That's the self that you're going to present. And then
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: you know, ninety percent of the time it works. Ten
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: percent I'm like a mess, but you know, ninety percent
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: is pretty good. So that's a really good piece I
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: think for parents to understand is like, be your best self.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I can't say that enough. And then you have to
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: learn the strategies. You know, you have to know how
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: to do the breathing exercises to deactivate. You've got to
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: take care of yourself. You've got to get the sleep in,
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: you've got to get the eating healthy, and you've got
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: to get the movement in. And importantly, you've got to
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: have the cognitive strategies. And I think that it's it's
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: an injustice that we have not taught everyone how to
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: engage in more positive self talk and reframing.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: Mark, could you give us an example of both positive
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: talk and reframing.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: So one thing that research shows is that if you
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: distance yourself from your emotion, So like I'm triggered, and
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I like, Mark, you're the feelings master, Mark, you're the
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence. I say things
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: to myself that remind me of my best self.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: And what you're doing there.
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: So I've interviewed Ethan Cross from University of Michigan who's
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: all about this psychological distancing, creating distance between yourself and
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: the emotion. His PhD supervisor was Walter Michelle, the Marshmallow
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: experiment guy, all about emotional and self regulation. And what
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: you've just done is you've talked to yourself in the
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: third person. You're not saying come on, you can do this,
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: you're actually creating distance by saying Mark, you are the
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: You know how to do this.
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: You've created You've created that distance, and I love that.
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: Just a simple positive self talk where it's almost someone
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: else talking to you to remind you.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: It's empathy. If you're giving you busially, you're sending yourself
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: some empathy. The other piece, the framing piece, or the
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: reappraisal piece, is this is you know, worked by James Gross,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: another guru in emotion regulation. Is just trying to see
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: it from a different perspective. Yes, So for example, like
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: my mother in law is here from Panama. She's been
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: here for six months. She misses her home desperately. She
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: has a dog, a cat, dirt, I don't know what else.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: She's gone her house, and she's like, does she speak Spanish?
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: She doesn't speak English, so she's like trapped. You know,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I speak Spanish, but I get tired of speaking Spanish
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: by like dinner time, and so like my brain is like,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I can't do Spanish tonight. And then we get into
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: arguments because she feels she doesn't feel included. And so
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: my point here is that I'm like, all right, Mark,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: just take a moment and think about what it feels
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: like to be your mother in law right now.
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: This is just this is a beautiful, a beautiful example
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: of empathy and compassion totally.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And that's like my goodness. Like I'm working all day,
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I'm busy, I have a full career, and she's sitting here,
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: you know, trapped in our house, not speaking the language,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: not having friends, not wanting to go outside because of
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: you know, fears of getting the virus. Like maybe you
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: need to take her out for dinner, or maybe you
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: need to like really give her some treats, or maybe
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: you need to talk to her more in a more
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: kind way, or find give her her options. And and
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: so I actually was doing that last week. I'm thinking, art,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: what can I do for her? Like I went and
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: took her shopping, and I'm like, all right, let's let's
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: be creative with dinners. And so just trying to reappraise
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: my relationship and so parents, for example, like my father
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: with me when I was yelling and screaming and crying
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: because I hated school and I was in correct and
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I failed my yell a belt test, Like instead of
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: saying son, marched back in there, you know, or tough enough.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Maybe my father could have said something like, you know, wow,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: my son is really struggling right now. Let me remind
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: him how like Rady is as a writer, or how really,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: you know, how fabulous he is as a brother. And
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: maybe maybe I should not be so selfish and spend
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: a half hour with my kid on the weekends, like
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: practicing the punches that he just felled. Look at that.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: That's a whole different level of engagement, you know, with
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: your child that not only validates their feelings, but helps
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: them to grow and helps you build a positive relationship
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: with them.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: We're talking to emotion scientist Mark Brackett on today's Happy
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: Families podcast. We'll continue our conversation with him in just
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: a minute. For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership,
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: because a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: On today's Happy Families podcast, we're talking with Yale University
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: emotion scientist Mark Brackett about regulating our emotions and not
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: being so triggered as parents. So Mark, just to sum
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: up our discussion so far, if we want to emotionally
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: regulate as parents whose children can sometimes frustrate us, what
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: I obviously need to.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Do is look after myself.
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: So I've got to make sure I'm not too tired,
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: not too stressed, make sure that I'm eating well, exercising,
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: making sure that my life is in balance, which I
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: mean it's also easy, no small feet, right. But secondly,
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: there's these strategies where essentially I want to remind myself
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: to be my best self. And when I'm starting to
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: find myself being triggered because the children are driving me
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: crazy and I'm allowing them to get the better of
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: my emotions, I need to remind myself create that distance
• 9:28
  Speaker 4: and then have some empathy for what it must be
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: like for them.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I think you just did a great summary, fantastic, and
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I think that's a great If you can master that,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: my hunch is that you're going to have better health,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: You're going to have better well being, better relationship, make
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: better decisions. I think from our research, we know that
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: people with more developed skills in this area of emotion regulation,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: just their lives are just better.
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, they do better at school, they do better in
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: their relationships, they achieve more, they feel more contented in
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: their lives.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Fact better at work. You know, they have, you know,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: richer conversations with their loved ones everything.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: Mark, can I ask you a real life question?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Well, I thought we only have a little bit of
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: time to talk.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: Now. I know that you've got dogs and you don't
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: have children, but I know that you're also an uncle,
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: and so you've got a couple of nieces and nephews
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: that you are interacting with regularly. So can you tell
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: me what has been one of the more trickier moments.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I think it's feedback from my brothers and sisters about
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: their parenting. Because you're, as the outside observer who's not
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: a parent, right, it's very hard to get parenting advice,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: and so I try not to give advice like that.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: I try to say, well, with the research shows, this
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: is not Mark's opinion. This is what the science shows.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Not always well received, that's fine. I care what the science.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: This is what happens in my house.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, truthfully, they both come to me regularly, Yeah, to
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: talk through problems. You know, they're both in high school. Now,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: you know my three nieces and nephews are and they're struggling,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: and you know they're they're struggling with their feelings. I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: have one niece who's adopted, and you know right now,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: she's from Peru, from Guatemala, and we've got a lot
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: of racism here in the United States right now, and
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: a lot of injustices, and she's self conscious about the
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: skin color, you know, her skin color. And we've had
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: some really heart to heart conversations that I think are
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: just so important to.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: Have, so good that you get to be the uncle Marvin.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: And I'm trying to live up to what my uncle
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: did for me as an uncle.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: What do you want to instill in your nieces and nephews.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: My prayer and I will work at this is that
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: they are passionate about whatever they want to do in
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: their lives. I think that a life without passion is
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: a life that's filled with struggles and challenges. So I'm
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: just try to push gently and kindly for them to
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: find their passion, not their I think they're too young
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: to have purpose, but I think that they've got to
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: find things that they're passionate about. In so much of
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: my research with adolescence shows that they're tired, they're bored
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: in school, and it just breaks my heart that they
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: don't have passion.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Thanks again, Mark for giving us a little bit more
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: of your time.
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: If people want to get more information about you, where
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: should they go?
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I think just my website is the easiest because it
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: has links to everything I do, from the center to
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: our apps to our tools. It's just Mark with a
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: C and were A C bracket B R A C
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: K E T T dot com.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: It's been great to chat with Mark Brackett again. We've
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: had him on a few times now and every time
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: I take away some gems. Just towards the end, Mark
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: mentioned his uncle Marvin, who was a huge influence in
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: his life. If you want to hear about the impact
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: of uncle Marvin, you might want to go back to
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: one of our first chats we had with him earlier
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: this month, episode one fifty five for five or remember correctly.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was right. We hope you've enjoyed the podcast too.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: By the way, if you enjoy the podcast, we've be
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: so grateful if you visit Apple Podcasts and leave a
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: rating and review. It's the reviews that help people to
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: find the podcast and have happier families. The Happy Families
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Thanks
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: for making this sound great, Justin. I love saying rulan
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: and trying to make it sound like I'm French. Justin
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: Rulan from Bridge Media. Our executive producer is Craig Bruce.
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: If you'd like more information about how we can help
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: your family to flourish, especially.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: If you would like to join up with our Happy
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: Families memberships and get ongoing monthly support, you can find
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: all the info at Happy families dot com dot au