Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do Women Want A Partner Or A Servant?

Transcript

Do Women Want A Partner Or A Servant? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom.
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  Show. Today's episode is about whether
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  women actually just want a servant and which kind of men
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  think this and why and whether it's accurate or inaccurate, so
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  before that, please do subscribe, my most recent
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  subscriber episode is, when your rigidity is harming, your
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  relationship with your husband. And kids rigidity is often
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  synonymous with anxiety, but people who are anxious, don't
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  necessarily like to think of themselves as rigid, but But
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  yet, that is really definitionally accurate, okay?
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  So let's move to this week's or not this week, I do multiple per
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  week. This Days, episode some men who
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  are partnered with women who really are not very loving
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  toward them. The women are not villains.
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  Of course, you know, I don't think like that there is
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  everything is a dynamic but well I'll just describe the
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  situation. They don't have sex or they have
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  very limited sex. They have very limited affection
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  and also the woman wants a man to do a lot of extra stuff
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  around the house extra by his perspective because he would
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  usually not do much around the house or let's just be overly
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  optimistic. Maybe he just does a lot around
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  the house but she wants him to do even more.
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  So men in this situation can become very cynical and negative
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  and say women just wants servants.
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  And when I write posts like just do the stuff your wife wants,
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  they you know, No neglect to remember that.
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  I also write posts, like just have sex with your husband and
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  especially podcast like that. But instead they say well, shit,
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  you know, women just want a servant or a butler and that's
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  all that they want to basically male-female relationships salt.
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  Well, when do men really think like this?
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  Usually and I've written a post about this recently, it's it's
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  obviously as is everything tied to your family of origin.
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  So Men that grew up seeing a marriage, that was pretty cold.
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  And the woman was in charge and she just ordered the man around.
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  I mean, this is what they think of marriage as so then in later
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  life, they are drawn to this familiar Dynamic.
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  Even though they want something different, they don't really
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  know how to be in something different.
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  So they like, everybody are subconsciously drawn to what
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  they grew up, seeing particularly in a first marriage
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  and or before you've gone into therapy.
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  And so, then you're really just operating on automatic pilot.
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  However, You were trained. So a lot of these men's have
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  seen mothers who wore the pants in the family and did not give
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  the man the husband the boy's father much in terms of
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  affection or love certainly not sexually or romantically.
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  Of course yet again I always have to put the qualifier that
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  of course you're not supposed to see your parents have sex but
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  you are hopefully in a happy family seeing that the man and
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  woman or like kissing or Modeling your mother and father,
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  and engaging in some sort of affection that you later in
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  life, can take as an indicator that they did, in fact have a
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  sexual and romantic relationship.
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  So, boys, who are raised in this sort of household grow up with
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  the implicit idea, that men's job is to be a servant, because
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  that's what they saw with their dad, so they can go one of two
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  ways. They can either become the mom,
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  basically, and be the asshole, the one who just is cold and
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  wants everything their way, and because they're a man, They have
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  a higher libido, these frequently, turned into the men
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  who don't want cuddling, don't want romance, but only walked to
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  fuck. As the woman thinks, you know,
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  there are those men. Just because I try to write on
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  behalf of all the men, whose, you know, initiatives for
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  romance or squelched by their Partners doesn't mean that there
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  aren't many and I discussed. This also avoidant men who don't
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  want to cuddle, don't want romantic intimacy, but just
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  really do want sex and those give the rest of the men, a bad
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  name, you know? So, So they either take on their
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  mothers Persona and they become the man who wears the pants and
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  they have like a kind of deferential.
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  Obsequious wife who runs around like a little mouse trying to
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  please them. And you know, herself was well,
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  I'll get to what the women were raised as soon.
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  But you can imagine not wonderfully if she is engaged
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  with a man like that or they just take a more direct path and
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  emulate their father subconsciously and marry a woman
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  like their mother a cold. What I call Ice Queen's, you can
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  refer back to my ice queen podcaster post that, you know,
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  is in charge. And that the martyred man is
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  always putting on a pedestal and looking up to and trying to
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  please. So more of the preoccupied
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  husband in the avoidant wife and more of the acts of service
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  woman. But active service, although it
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  gets a bad name and I wrote a post on how acts of service and
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  physical affection or a podcast are different.
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  Love languages. At different ends of the
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  spectrum, but that isn't always the case.
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  So this cat active service, like there ain't nothing wrong with
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  acts of service. Like most women want acts of
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  service, particularly, when they have small kids and I talked in
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  one of my posts about how active service can change over, not
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  accept service, love languages can change based on your stage
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  of Life, only sometimes. And the ones that I most often
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  see our acts of service is super important when the woman has
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  young kids around. So, active Service.
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  Is it just means like if you tell your husband like the door,
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  just fell off the hinges, how long does it take before he
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  fixes that assuming that he can fix it right?
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  And or how long before he deals with it if you can't deal with
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  it? Like, I mean I'm and I'm not
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  talking about like a crazy situation.
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  So there are normal situations where both people are trying
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  hard to keep the homegoing. And the woman feels maxed out
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  for whatever reason and not because she's sitting around
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  eating bonbons. Or anything ridiculous because
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  like, let's say a common situation.
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  She's like literally nursing a baby and she says, can you clean
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  up the counter? So there's two ways that a man
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  can deal with this situation. The functional way a man who was
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  raised in a happy home says, okay, hon, sure, cleans up the
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  counter. That's it, because she's nursing
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  the baby, the city just cleans up the fucking counter.
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  That's all, it's not like a big fucking to do and a big
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  ticker-tape parade about him doing it.
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  He just cleans it up, you know what?
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  In some households, she doesn't even have to To ask.
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  I hope you were sitting down. So you didn't fall down in many
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  households. She doesn't even have to ask.
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  And as I discussed frequently, there are many households where
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  the man is cleaner than the woman.
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  And he's the one, who's, who's exhorting her to clean the
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  counter? Sometimes because he doesn't 90%
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  of the time. Yes, that is real.
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  My husband is that person if you are.
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  If you are a man, that is very organized.
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  I honestly a lot of like military guys.
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  Her that person military guys are like so organized, a lot of
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  the time because they were Trained that way.
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  So they will never leave a mess at night.
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  They couldn't. So, anyway, the point is there's
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  a normal way for acts of service to be taken what is
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  dysfunctional. Is when acts of service is the
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  only love language when the woman looks at the love language
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  questionnaire. And she's like, holy shit.
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  None of this shit applies. I mean I guess I want him to do
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  shit. So I'll pick that one but acts
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  of service in and of itself. I mean, I frequently talk about
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  myself as a physical touch love language person but I need to
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  qualify apparently For people who think differently, that acts
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  of service is a prerequisite for the physical touch language to
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  come out. Even, you know, so even for a
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  high libido person or high, physical touch, love language
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  person. If you say, can you clean up the
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  counter? And he says, no, there ain't no
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  physical touch happening, not in the next millennium, you know,
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  because you're like, why are you being an asshole for then, fuck
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  you. And your, you were your your
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  drive just like, dries up. Its Give it a like a there's a
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  there's a freshwater spring, an oasis in the desert and when he
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  says no I'm not cleaning the counter, it just goes away it
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  just stood there's no more it evaporates.
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  So you know in a healthy relationship acts of service is
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  considered something that both people do for one another and
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  the man's maybe in the realm of physical touch or sex.
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  And I've talked about you know sex as active service and how
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  that's actually good if the woman thinks about it as
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  something she's doing for him then.
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  She can get herself into the mood for responsive desire.
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  We're then she's doing it for herself as well, you know, a few
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  minutes into it but she can have the frame of that.
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  This is something that I do for him when I'm not in the mood and
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  then I get in the mood and that's not bad.
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  In fact, that's a good and many, many women used to think like,
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  God, As a matter, of course, so who gets into.
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  So, reverting to the situation of the Loveless marriage, where
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  the man feels like a servant, which women get into these
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  marriages, will they saw a very, very similar There was one
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  parent who was in charge and one parents who wasn't and so they
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  just pick the other one. They pick the other side,
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  they're going to be the one in charge because they don't want
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  to be the weak one. This isn't like they flip a
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  switch or flip a coin rather or they decide consciously
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  sometimes it is conscious. Sometimes women will be like my
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  mother got treated like so much shit that I resolved that I will
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  never get treated like shit by a man but then they got a blind
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  spot that they may be the one treating like shit may not be
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  like their father who was drunk and Cursing.
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  But they may be cold and inaccessible and dismissive.
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  But either way they did actually make a conscious choice, I will
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  never marry some piece of shit asshole.
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  Like my father, I hear this a lot, you know?
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  But unfortunately they become more of that person in a quieter
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  kind of more feminine asshole but you know, so neither one of
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  these people were raised in a functional household and the man
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  only thinks of Acts of service as so bad because of the house
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  he was drawn, he was Easton. And then the women that he's
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  drawn to which is based from the house that he was raised in a
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  more functional healthy relationship, acts of service is
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  just thought of as like something that we do, oh my wife
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  wants me to do this to her. I'm just going to do it.
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  You should have heard the variation and you can you still
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  have the opportunity to go back to join my Facebook group, my
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  secret, Facebook group and and search through the conversations
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  for the one about chores and acts of service.
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  And there were so many men that were like Oh yeah.
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  When your wife tells you to do something, you just do it.
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  You know. You got a list and so you put it
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  on the list and you do it either that day or the next day.
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  And so many women were like, what my husband doesn't have a
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  list where you crazy, you know? And so when when there are
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  people that have very different Dynamics from yourselves, you
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  really don't realize it that there are so many men because a
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  lot of the main reason that the main thing people say about
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  getting that they're getting for my Facebook group is that they
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  see the other perspective. Because there's so many It's
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  really 5050 men women and so you know they'll say something they
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  think is obvious like what do you do when your husband
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  doesn't? You know, door falls off the
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  hinges. I made that one up the type of
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  medical and your husband doesn't fix it for three years and then
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  like all these guys will be like the fuck are you talking about?
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  You know what, I would have it fixed that day.
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  It's a door. You know what, what what, you
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  know. And so, and so many women then
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  we'll be like, wait? Yeah sure.
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  Yeah. He doesn't fix it for three
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  years. Oh yeah.
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  I know what you're talking about and of course, The confound is
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  that people who are going to literally pay five dollars a
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  month to join. The Facebook group are people
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  who are fairly committed to themselves being the change,
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  they want to see in their marriage.
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  So I'm getting, you know, the people who are the more focused
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  on the relationship in their relationship partner, right?
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  But but still it is a very big wake-up call for a lot of women
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  that they could. In fact, find a man who would
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  get the door back on the hinges. Like it's not a thing like they
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  wouldn't they wouldn't make it that they're doing it for the
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  wall. And it wouldn't be a big
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  sacrifice. It wouldn't require multiple
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  efforts. He sees the doors off, he puts
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  the door on and of course, there's men like that.
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  And so there are some relationships where active
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  service, doesn't even really apply because you just ask
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  something in the person does it and physical touch, love
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  language or whatever. Never like you know what is so
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  funny. The more you gotta think about
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  love languages unless of course it's literally your fucking job
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  like me. But the more you got to think
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  about love languages in your life, the less Optional your
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  marriages if if things are going.
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  Well you don't even have to think about this shit, you don't
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  have to be. Like I have a physical touch
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  love language and she got an act of service love language.
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  You know, it's two people that are touching each other and
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  doing shit for each other. And that's what it is.
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  And that's it, you know? So if you fight it, the broader
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  lesson as per usual, as if you find yourself in a situation
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  where you're thinking, negatively about one gender then
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  really Zuma Outlook at a macro level down.
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  At your frame. And your frame is inevitably
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  influence massively by the family, in which you grew up, as
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  it is, for 100% of people just as a dog is influenced by the
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  environment that it is a puppy, you know.
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  And so if you abuse a dog, when it's a puppy, it's not going to
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  be a very nice dog and it's not going to be very positive about
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  people and the exact same thing happens for children raised in
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  Dysfunctional homes. Now, I'll give you a an example
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  and it was from my post, my husband said it Is useful when
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  you read the post. So I'll say it here. 20 case
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  people don't want to read the post.
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  That is the same basically title as this, which is, so if a
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  woman, and I see this a lot heard her parents, having sex,
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  but the father was always an asshole to the mother.
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  So she hears the sounds of sex from their bedroom, as a child.
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  But then the father is like hits the mother or he demeans her, or
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  he insults her, or he's always drunk, or he's always nasty.
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  And then the mother sometimes makes comments like Men only
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  want one thing then, this is how you make a woman who grows up
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  and thinks men only want a vagina to ejaculate into.
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  That's all that women are two men and they believe that
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  wholeheartedly because of how they grew up.
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  So, this is the same exact analogy as the man who thinks
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  women only want a servant because he saw a man that got
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  kind of shot on and diminished and patronized while trying to
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  do household work, that was at the behest of the wife.
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  This is a warped perspective from a warped.
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  Dynamic that he witnessed the same.
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  As of course, men don't only want in a vagina to ejaculate
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  into, but of course, you're gonna think that if you were a
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  little girl that saw your mother still capitulating sexually when
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  she didn't want to to a man that treated her like garbage is the
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  exact same thing. So no women don't want a servant
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  and then don't just want a vagina to ejaculate into, but if
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  you think either one, then you have to deeply interrogate, your
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  family of origin and realize how different that really was from a
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  healthy relationship. And and ask yourself what parts
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  of the dynamic that you grew up with.
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  Are you unwittingly carrying into your current relationship
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  and guess what can help? But that say it with me therapy,
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  cat therapy can really help with that.
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  All right? Well, I hope that this was
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  useful and I will talk to you soon.
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  Bye, bye.