Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 138: How to Stop Ruminating: Breaking Free from the Overthinking Cycle

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138: How to Stop Ruminating: Breaking Free from the Overthinking Cycle · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAn Walker and I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And if you have ever found yourself ruminating over a situation, hoping that things might be different or just really feeling stuck in the rumination you are in the right place.
• 0:37
  That's what we're going to be talking about today is all things rumination.
• 0:41
  We're going to talk about why we ruminate, what purpose it serves, because it does serve a purpose and also how to stop ruminating.
• 0:48
  So let's just dive right in.
• 0:49
  Shall we.
• 0:50
  So first I want to talk about why we ruminate., because understanding our why and understanding what purpose rumination serves for us.
• 0:58
  It helps to minimize it actually.
• 1:00
  Because I often hear my clients shaming themselves for the fact that they're ruminating.
• 1:05
  They might even say, well, I'm working with a coach.
• 1:07
  I shouldn't be ruminating anymore.
• 1:09
  I should know how to manage my thoughts.
• 1:11
  And so they're guilting and shaming themselves over rumination.
• 1:15
  And so I want to just clear the air and hopefully help to alleviate that shame and that guilt around ruminating because when you're not only ruminating and feeling bad about the thing you're ruminating on, because we don't often ruminate on things that make us feel good.
• 1:28
  Am I right?
• 1:29
  So when we're ruminating on the negative things, we're feeling bad about the thing we're ruminating on, but then we're making ourselves feel even worse because of the guilt and shame around the fact that we're ruminating.
• 1:40
  So I want to alleviate any guilt and shame so that we can actually focus on the rumination.
• 1:46
  So why do we ruminate?
• 1:48
  There are a few reasons.
• 1:50
  The first reason that I see is they're not feeling seen or heard, no one is seeing or hearing the person.
• 1:57
  And so.
• 1:58
  They're continuing to tell the same story in their head, in an effort to feel seen and heard, but it's an echo chamber where they're only seeing and hearing themselves.
• 2:05
  And they think, well, if I just keep thinking about it, then I'll finally feel validated.
• 2:09
  But because they're stuck in that negative thought loop, it's not actually creating change for them.
• 2:14
  Another reason why people ruminate is thinking that things should be different.
• 2:19
  And thinking that things should be different.
• 2:21
  It's going to create a lot of resistance because when we're thinking things, shouldn't be the way that they actually are.
• 2:26
  Then we're not accepting reality.
• 2:29
  So by ruminating on thinking how we think it should be.
• 2:31
  We're actually in a slightly altered state of reality, resisting that things are the way that they are.
• 2:36
  And that actually makes us more miserable also.
• 2:40
  So just coming to radically accept things as they really are, then that's one way to help to let go of that resistance and help to find acceptance rather than focusing on that rumination.
• 2:51
  A third reason someone's ruminating is it might be revealing to them what it is that they truly value.
• 2:58
  Oftentimes people are ruminating on a certain situation because something about that situation is out of alignment with who they are.
• 3:05
  So maybe they are feeling like they've been robbed.
• 3:08
  And they're against that, right?
• 3:10
  As a general rule, they're going to be ruminating on that because it goes against their value system.
• 3:16
  And we're going to be talking about that a little bit more in the episode, but when you notice that you're ruminating, I want you to just get really curious, make it a default setting, to get curious about what that rumination is there to teach you.
• 3:28
  So, for example, maybe the rumination is there to teach you that, oh, you know what?
• 3:33
  I wish I would have handled things differently.
• 3:35
  Rumination is a form of self-preservation.
• 3:39
  Because if a ruminating on a situation and thinking through all of the ins and outs of what we could have done differently, then.
• 3:46
  Our brain thinks okay.
• 3:46
  By focusing on that, then I won't be repeating the problem later.
• 3:51
  It's trying to find a solution is ultimately what it's trying to do.
• 3:54
  We just need to be more intentional about solving the problem and finding that solution.
• 3:59
  I remember one time in grade school, I was getting on the bus and this boy made such an inappropriate comment to me.
• 4:06
  And I was shocked and appalled.
• 4:08
  And I, I was just silent because I didn't know what to say.
• 4:12
  And you bet the, I went home and I ruminated on that situation and I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought about it.
• 4:18
  And I came up with the perfect zinger of a reply.
• 4:22
  Now it's interesting because the odds of me being in that same situation ever again, where that exact statement is made and I have the perfect zinger.
• 4:31
  That is our tendency is to do that.
• 4:33
  Right.
• 4:33
  But it's not going to serve me.
• 4:34
  The odds of that happening are so low that that's not going to serve me, but zooming out a tiny bit and looking at it through the lens of okay.
• 4:43
  When somebody makes a comment towards me, that is de-valuing or minimizing of who I am as a person, disrespectful of who I am as a person, how do I want to respond?
• 4:54
  And then that can help you to step out of the rumination too, and find more purpose in it.
• 5:01
  I also want to remind you before we step into really the ways to get out of rumination, that we all have a negativity bias.
• 5:07
  It is just how the brain is wired.
• 5:09
  Nothing is wrong with you.
• 5:11
  If you ruminate on negative things, it's just how your brain was made.
• 5:15
  Nothing is wrong with you.
• 5:16
  You are not broken.
• 5:18
  It is natural for our minds to focus on the negative.
• 5:22
  Because again, it is a form of self-preservation.
• 5:24
  If we can look for the worst case scenario, if we can look for all of the things that are going wrong, then we can show up differently in the future.
• 5:32
  Okay.
• 5:33
  It's self preservation.
• 5:34
  It's fine.
• 5:35
  So hopefully now we've alleviated a lot of the guilt and shame around it.
• 5:40
  And now I want to step into some different ways that you can actually stop ruminating.
• 5:45
  And really shift it into something that is more positive, because again, there is a purpose to the rumination.
• 5:51
  But we still don't want to stay there forever.
• 5:53
  We want to solve the problem and move on.
• 5:55
  So the first one we're going to talk about is kind of reminiscent of a recent episode.
• 6:00
  I believe it was two episodes ago, but I'll find out for sure and link it in the show notes, but it is making"and" statements it's looking for what else is true.
• 6:09
  So instead of finishing out that thought loop and just repeating the same loop over and over again about what's going wrong, it's looking for an AND statement so that you can get out of that loop.
• 6:19
  It's taking that detour to get off of that neural pathway.
• 6:22
  So, for example, maybe we're thinking I really messed up.
• 6:25
  I really messed up.
• 6:25
  I really messed up.
• 6:26
  I really messed up and we're having a hard time getting out of that cycle.
• 6:30
  Be intentional about inserting an AND I feel like I really messed up and I'm choosing to learn and grow from that situation so I don't make that mistake again.
• 6:40
  You're finding an and to shift that neural pathway into something more positive.
• 6:47
  So we're doing this, not through the lens of.
• 6:49
  Toxic positivity, But instead we're doing it by acknowledging what it is that went wrong.
• 6:54
  Allowing ourselves to feel all of our feelings on that.
• 6:57
  And then consciously choosing into something that is more supportive for us.
• 7:01
  So you're not pretending that it didn't happen.
• 7:04
  You're honoring and acknowledging that yeah, this did happen and it didn't feel good.
• 7:08
  And I can feel more empowered moving forward because now I have more information.
• 7:12
  Now I know how it is that I tend to show up in that situation when I'm showing up through that unconscious lens, but I'm more conscious now.
• 7:20
  I have more information now and I could show up differently.
• 7:23
  Moving forward." so we may acknowledge that.
• 7:26
  Yeah, that was a really hard situation.
• 7:28
  AND I feel like I didn't show up well, AND I am learning to speak up more for myself.
• 7:33
  AND I'm practicing boundaries AND I'm learning and growing through this experience.
• 7:38
  So it's kind of adding in those"and" statements to shift you into something more supportive.
• 7:43
  All right.
• 7:44
  The number two trick to step out of rumination is to catch yourself when you're ruminating.
• 7:48
  And do something to interrupt the pattern.
• 7:51
  Now for many of my clients, when they're ruminating, they don't recognize that they're ruminating until they've done it for a while.
• 7:57
  This means that usually it's like two hours later when they don't realize that they've been kind of just absentmindedly thinking on things for a couple of hours, or maybe it's when they're going to bed, when they realize I can't even sleep because I'm just ruminating on this subject.
• 8:12
  Then they realize, okay.
• 8:14
  Yeah, this just isn't working for me.
• 8:16
  So one way that you can recognize and snap out of it.
• 8:19
  And this sounds a little bit silly and over simplified, but one way to break the cycle is to say either in your own mind, Or out loud, just say, delete, delete, delete.
• 8:28
  Now, this is going to do two things.
• 8:30
  It's going to let your brain know.
• 8:32
  Okay.
• 8:32
  That story of rumination, that negative thought pattern.
• 8:36
  That's something I intentionally want to delete.
• 8:38
  I'm going to put up a road closed sign on that line of thinking.
• 8:43
  And I'm going to choose instead to build this new neural pathway that is something more supportive.
• 8:49
  And this delete, delete, delete method is also very, very helpful after you've had a bit of time to process something.
• 8:55
  And then you notice it's coming back up.
• 8:57
  So sometimes then we feel like we've really done the work to work through something and we have deleted that neural pathway, but then there's like a little glitch in the system and we find ourselves ruminating on it months, or even years later.
• 9:10
  So, if this has happened to you, where you find yourself thinking about something that happened a long time ago, be more conscious about the fact that it's no longer serving you.
• 9:19
  So instead of focusing on the thing that you wish you would've said, or how you would have done it, then just take that moment.
• 9:25
  Like when you start to ruminate on it again ask yourself, get curious about what is the lesson to be learned there.
• 9:33
  And take your time to actually learn the lesson.
• 9:35
  Maybe it's coming back to your mind because something similar is happening in your life.
• 9:39
  And your subconscious is trying to say, Hey, get ready, because this is looking very similar to this past event.
• 9:46
  And also it might be that you just need to just let it go a little bit more.
• 9:50
  Sometimes our healing comes in levels and layers.
• 9:53
  And so we may have an experience where we're thinking, okay, well, no, I don't ever want to think on that again, but there might be another level or layer to address before we can really let it go.
• 10:03
  And so then once you're able to recognize that, then you can say, okay, this is something that I really truly do want to let go of.
• 10:10
  This is not something in my current reality that I need to prepare for.
• 10:13
  So I'm going to say, delete, delete, delete.
• 10:15
  Bleat and then be intentional about, oh, Nope.
• 10:18
  I've moved on from that.
• 10:19
  I'm no longer going to be investing my time and energy into the past and I'm moving on and take some time to affirm what it is that you do want, rather than focusing on the thing that you're wanting to delete.
• 10:30
  Okay.
• 10:31
  Rather than ruminating on the negative, be intentional about yes, that happened.
• 10:35
  I see you.
• 10:36
  I hear you.
• 10:37
  I can validate my past experience and I am choosing now to no longer invest my time and energy into that past event.
• 10:45
  All right.
• 10:46
  Number three.
• 10:47
  Revisit your value system.
• 10:49
  As I said in the beginning, oftentimes when we're ruminating it's because something is out of alignment with our values.
• 10:56
  And we might even be wanting to project our values onto someone else.
• 11:00
  They are acting in a way that is not in alignment with our values.
• 11:03
  And we think that they should be acting according to our values.
• 11:08
  And so we have that resistance again, it's preventing us from radically accepting what is, and creating that resistance, where we're investing so much time and energy into thinking things should be different.
• 11:19
  Rather than just radically accepting that okay.
• 11:21
  I can see that we have a different value system here.
• 11:24
  I can accept that and I can be proud of the way that I am showing up through my value system.
• 11:30
  So, for example, if somebody disrespected you in conversation, Then it might trigger a rumination because you deeply value, respect and clear communication.
• 11:42
  In fact, that's something that a lot of people ruminate on and this might be a rumination wound for you if you find yourself thinking thoughts, like I would never treat somebody in such a way.
• 11:53
  So when you hear yourself saying that no, that that is a cue that is letting you know that the way that they are acting is out of alignment with what I would like for myself.
• 12:03
  And that's a good thing to identify with yourself to identify that this is a value for me, I believe in being honest and kind in my communication and being clear in my communication.
• 12:13
  And they are out of alignment for that, that can bring a lot of clarity around relationships when you're able to better identify what things you value.
• 12:20
  Um, and rumination is one way to identify those values.
• 12:23
  So when you have those experiences, ask yourself what value is being revealed through this rumination.
• 12:30
  So, for example, it might be waking up to the idea that I am someone who values, respectful kind communication, and then you can also think through, okay, if this comes up again, how can I show up through my value system?
• 12:42
  What is it that I'm going to do?
• 12:44
  They spoke to me in a very disrespectful way.
• 12:46
  How can I respectfully resist what it is that they're bringing up so that I'm showing up in my integrity, even if our value systems are conflicting.
• 12:55
  So asking yourself, okay, what am I going to do?
• 12:57
  Am I going to speak up?
• 12:59
  Am I going to state a boundary?
• 13:00
  Am I just going to silently walk away?
• 13:02
  How can I respond next time a situation like that arises so that I can be in alignment with my value system?
• 13:08
  Because when you feel good about how you showed up, it can help to let go of how the other person showed up.
• 13:14
  But it's about shifting that focus.
• 13:17
  All right.
• 13:18
  Tip number four, scramble the negative neural pathways.
• 13:21
  And this might sound a little bit silly for a little bit, but I kind of want you to imagine an Etch-a-Sketch and you've drawn a picture on it and you want to create something new.
• 13:31
  When you want to create something new, you're going to shake up that Etch-a-Sketch right.
• 13:35
  It's going to be erase it.
• 13:36
  You'll have a clean slate for a new day.
• 13:38
  And it's going to be just fine.
• 13:40
  Now, sometimes we need to do that with our neural pathways also.
• 13:43
  So when you've noticed that, okay, well now on my screen here on my Etch-a-Sketch, then I have this design and I really don't like it.
• 13:50
  And all I can do is just sit and stare at it.
• 13:53
  You don't have to sit and stare at it, but sometimes you need to mix things up a little bit in order to clear that slate.
• 13:59
  So I'm going to share with you a tip that I learned probably about a month ago.
• 14:03
  And honestly I have used it almost every day since.
• 14:06
  So I'm going to share this little trick with you, and it sounds a little bit silly, but it is actually very helpful for just helping you to get off of that track a little bit.
• 14:16
  It's just shaking up those neural pathways.
• 14:18
  And then once it's clear, then you can step into the more supportive line of thinking.
• 14:24
  Okay, so this is how you do the trick.
• 14:26
  Are you ready?
• 14:27
  First you're going to come up with one word that doesn't have a lot of emotional charge for you.
• 14:33
  For example, let's use the word podcast.
• 14:36
  So I would use the word podcast and I would very intentionally think about the word and then go through each letter of the word and come up with three words that start with the same letter of each of the letters in the word podcast.
• 14:50
  So for example, the word podcast starts with the letter P so the three words I would might come up with for the letter P are people.
• 14:58
  Pleasing.
• 15:00
  And pleasure.
• 15:01
  How about that?
• 15:02
  So I'd come up with three words that start with the letter P and then I'd move on to the next letter, O, okay.
• 15:08
  So I might choose orange outside and other, and then I would move on to D okay.
• 15:13
  So you're going to just go through each letter, and then that's going to scramble the brain up a little bit.
• 15:17
  So then once you have that clean slate, then you can choose into what it is that you want to create on purpose.
• 15:25
  And this one is great for when you're stuck in rumination.
• 15:27
  And like I said, this is one that I use almost every night when my brain just won't be quiet, then I'll use this to help me to get myself to sleep and it works great.
• 15:37
  So if you try this out, let me know.
• 15:39
  I'm super curious how it works for you.
• 15:41
  All right.
• 15:41
  And then tip number five for getting out of rumination is journal on it.
• 15:46
  And this is journaling...
• 15:47
  it's not just writing about your situation, but it's doing it with a bit more intention.
• 15:51
  So I want you to grab two different colors of pen.
• 15:53
  And write your story.
• 15:55
  So in one color, you're going to write down all of the yuck.
• 15:58
  I don't want you to edit yourself.
• 16:00
  I don't want you to write in a way that makes you look good.
• 16:02
  I want you to just say all of the yuck, all of the nasty things that are coming into your mind, write it all down in one color.
• 16:09
  That I want you to just walk away for a little minute.
• 16:12
  And then when you come back, read what you wrote as if you're your own coach or your own best friend.
• 16:18
  Read what was written there.
• 16:20
  And then reply through the lens of your bestie or your coach and say what it is that you think that you might need to hear.
• 16:28
  This can help you to intentionally discover the underlying need.
• 16:31
  When you're ruminating on something there's generally an underlying need and journaling can really, truly help with that.
• 16:38
  So for example, then maybe the story that you're writing down is, you know what?
• 16:42
  I just went out to lunch with my friend and it was my birthday lunch and she just talked about herself the whole time.
• 16:48
  And what makes it even worse?
• 16:49
  As my birthday was three weeks ago, it took us three weeks to get together for my birthday.
• 16:53
  And then she just talked about herself and I get it.
• 16:56
  She's going through some stuff, but I would like to talk about myself too.
• 16:59
  This is something that is really common with people that I work with is they're very good at inquiring about other people.
• 17:05
  They're very good at holding space for other people, but they oftentimes find themselves in situations where they themselves are not feeling seen or heard or understood.
• 17:13
  And so you would write all of that story down and then walk away and then come back through your more mature lens.
• 17:19
  This is going to give your prefrontal cortex a bit more time to come back online and then you can sit down with it and think, okay, what is it that I need to hear right now?
• 17:28
  What would help me to feel better?
• 17:29
  I'm obviously not feeling seen or heard by my friend.
• 17:32
  I went to lunch with, what is it that I need to hear and then write to yourself as if you are that bestie or that coach.
• 17:38
  So you might say something like, yeah, Of course that hurt your feelings.
• 17:42
  Of course that hurt your feelings.
• 17:44
  Yeah, I get it.
• 17:45
  That when you go out with somebody and you really are good at asking questions and you want to know how they're doing, and it sounds like your friend was really going through some stuff.
• 17:52
  But it's also so nice to feel seen and heard yourself.
• 17:56
  And I have really learned that the people that really struggle the most to feel seen and heard themselves because they value that so much.
• 18:03
  They're really, really good at seeing and hearing other people.
• 18:07
  So I just want to remind you that both of those things can be true, that it must have really, really hurt and see what I did there.
• 18:14
  I'm tying back into the earlier one.
• 18:16
  And that's one thing I really love about you is that you are really good at seeing and hearing other people.
• 18:23
  Okay.
• 18:23
  So now I'm seeing and hearing myself, if that were me writing in my journal.
• 18:27
  And then I can step in and create some change for self so I might say, okay, so who could I go out to lunch with?
• 18:34
  Who do I feel seen and heard with and what might that look like?
• 18:38
  And then you also softens it a little bit.
• 18:40
  So you can get curious about that specific relationship because when we're in the thick of it, it's really hard to see things clearly, we're just having a big emotional reaction to it, to not feeling seen or heard.
• 18:49
  So taking some space there and a little bit of distance and talking to your"friend" about it.
• 18:54
  It can help to"create a little space.
• 18:56
  He can gain some clarity to ask questions like, okay.
• 18:59
  So usually when I go out with this friend, then does she only talk about herself or was this a unique experience?
• 19:05
  And that alone can give you so much information.
• 19:07
  If it's every single time that you spend time with this person, that they only talk about themselves.
• 19:12
  Of course, that's going to create some negative emotions for you, but now you have more information, now that you're conscious about it, so that you can create change.
• 19:19
  If you need to.
• 19:21
  And maybe you decide, okay, I'm only going to hang out with them when my cup is filled, because when my cup is drained, I just can't do it.
• 19:27
  It's too hard for me.
• 19:29
  Right.
• 19:29
  Or maybe this really was an isolated incident where they really are going through a hard time.
• 19:33
  And if you're able to recognize consciously that, you know what, usually they are a really good listener and it was just this one time that they were able to really hear me.
• 19:42
  That also gives you information so you can let go of that resentment.
• 19:45
  And recognize that.
• 19:46
  Yeah.
• 19:47
  That was a bit of a hard time, but I understand they're going through something.
• 19:50
  And that, that was a unique experience.
• 19:52
  Okay.
• 19:52
  So it gives you a little bit of root breathing room so that you can see things a little bit more clearly and step out of that rumination.
• 20:00
  And then that curiosity, it can also help you to get curious about how you are showing up.
• 20:05
  Ask yourself the questions.
• 20:06
  Okay.
• 20:06
  So when I have something to share, what do I do?
• 20:09
  Do I sit and wait politely until I'm asked?
• 20:12
  Do I know how to interject?
• 20:14
  Do I know how to introduce a subject when the subject is me?
• 20:17
  What does that look like?
• 20:19
  And then you can get curious about that, about how might I show up differently in that situation.
• 20:24
  Sometimes when I've recognized I'm in this situation that I ask myself, okay, what can I learn from that person?
• 20:29
  That person is obviously really good at talking about themselves.
• 20:33
  What might I be able to learn?
• 20:34
  Because I have a hard time talking about myself.
• 20:37
  So get curious about how they're showing up, how you're showing up.
• 20:42
  And get some information there.
• 20:44
  They're obviously a great example of talking about themselves.
• 20:46
  And you might go into this knowing that, well, I don't want to be the person that only talks about themselves, but I would like to learn how to talk about myself and I can learn from them.
• 20:55
  So create a bit of curiosity around that.
• 20:59
  So your challenge for this week is to see if you can catch yourself ruminating.
• 21:03
  And then just try out one of these tricks.
• 21:05
  So whether it's the delete delete, delete, or if it's the journaling and two colors and reframing.
• 21:10
  Or maybe it's using AND statements, but kind of experiment with these and see what works best for you.
• 21:16
  And if one of these works best for you, let me know which one.
• 21:18
  And if there's something else that you have tried, that's been helpful for you and you're stuck in a rumination cycle.
• 21:23
  Let me know.
• 21:24
  I love that I have a platform where as I learn new things, I'm able to share them with you.
• 21:28
  Like I said, that last one about, using the letters.
• 21:31
  That's one I just learned a month ago.
• 21:33
  So I love that I have a platform to share.
• 21:34
  If you have a new idea, share it with me.
• 21:36
  I would love to share it on the podcast.
• 21:39
  There's a link in my show notes where you can leave me notes and I would just love to hear.
• 21:43
  Also in closing.
• 21:44
  I just want to share that from my experience about 90% of the time when someone is ruminating on something it's because they're not feeling seen or heard or valued.
• 21:53
  And I want you to know that if that's you, if you're currently not feeling seen or heard or valued...
• 22:00
  and maybe you really want to show up as your own best friend or your own coach, but you just don't feel capable right now.
• 22:07
  You're human.
• 22:08
  And I totally get it.
• 22:09
  And my goal was every single one of my clients is to help them to feel seen and heard and valued, and also to teach them the tools needed so that they can show up in love and support for themselves.
• 22:22
  I truly believe that you have all the skills necessary and my only job is to help to reveal them to you and show you how you can use these tools.
• 22:30
  And in what situations.
• 22:32
  Everyone is capable of being our own coach.
• 22:34
  That is a hundred percent who you are.
• 22:36
  But until we feel seen and heard and valued.
• 22:40
  It's really hard to open ourselves up to those tools and to that learning.
• 22:44
  So come and work with me.
• 22:45
  I would love to work with you.
• 22:47
  You can click the show notes to come and apply to work with me, or you can come to my website, maryannwalker.life and book a free consultation call.
• 22:55
  I would love to see if we'd be a good fit for each other.
• 22:57
  This is just a 20 minute call where we can kind of get to know each other.
• 23:00
  I can learn what your needs are and we can see if we'd be a good fit for each other.
• 23:04
  It's kind of like a try before you buy.
• 23:06
  Because I really want to make sure that we're a good fit for each other.
• 23:08
  So if you're interested in coming to work with me, go ahead and click the links in the show notes or come to my website, maryannwalker.life.
• 23:15
  My schedule is filling up quickly.
• 23:17
  So come and apply now.
• 23:19
  I would love to work with you.
• 23:20
  All right.
• 23:20
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 23:22
  Bye now.