Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Wife Keeps Shooting Down Your Dinner Ideas

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When Your Wife Keeps Shooting Down Your Dinner Ideas · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about this
• 0:11
  relatively common Dynamic when your wife keeps shooting down.
• 0:16
  Your dinner ideas in my Facebook group, we talked about this.
• 0:19
  Somebody shared a funny meme. That was like two guys, checking
• 0:24
  out a woman. But basically the caption was
• 0:26
  when she knows what she wants for dinner.
• 0:30
  And you should join my Facebook group by the way, because
• 0:32
  there's plenty of funny stuff and lots of Testing intelligent
• 0:36
  discussion, which is rare on the internet.
• 0:39
  But anyway, so oh. And also, of course, you should
• 0:42
  subscribe because to this podcast, which is separate
• 0:46
  subscription for podcast, separate from Facebook group
• 0:49
  because yesterday's episode that was subscriber.
• 0:51
  Only is what does anxiety look like in kids and why does it
• 0:54
  start Hint it starts because of a parent and there is a over 115
• 1:00
  subscriber episodes that you can get two or more than that by now
• 1:04
  by whenever you That's because I record these, like two months
• 1:07
  out by now. Okay.
• 1:08
  So why does your wife keep on shooting down your dinner ideas?
• 1:11
  And what does this sound like? So I mean this is like
• 1:14
  ridiculous to me because I mean if case you couldn't tell, I'm
• 1:17
  not an indecisive person. Also I cook dinner and that's
• 1:21
  what everybody eats and I've never asked in my life, I don't
• 1:24
  think what somebody wants to eat for dinner and my family while
• 1:26
  we're eating at home because that's what I do.
• 1:28
  But so you could just like skip to the end then just take that
• 1:31
  as your idea but if you struggle with this, that's unlikely to be
• 1:34
  something that you choose, Choose to implement.
• 1:36
  So let's back up and see first. Why does this happen?
• 1:39
  What does it look like? It looks like the man says, no
• 1:43
  first she says, or he said doesn't matter because somebody
• 1:46
  says, so what do you want to eat for dinner?
• 1:47
  And the other person says, I don't know.
• 1:50
  I don't know. Maybe, you know, and the guys
• 1:54
  has maybe Italian she says, I don't know.
• 1:56
  No, I don't know. I don't, I think we already, you
• 1:59
  know, we had Italian recently and he says, all right, what
• 2:02
  about Chinese? And she says, hmm.
• 2:05
  Now, I mean, if you really want to, I'm not really feeling
• 2:08
  Chinese though. And then they go loop de loop.
• 2:10
  And lets, you know, if you add up all the time, it takes to do
• 2:12
  this. It's, you know, days and total
• 2:16
  of people's lives, you know, nobody wishes on their deathbed
• 2:19
  that they had spent more time ambivalently, you know,
• 2:22
  discussing what to eat for dinner and generally decision.
• 2:26
  You know, the ability to decision make is thought of as a
• 2:29
  fairly good trait. So why does this happen?
• 2:32
  It happens because you got two people Pleasers.
• 2:34
  So, Some guys act like it's the woman's problem but she's the
• 2:37
  one shooting down all of his ideas.
• 2:39
  Why does he keep throwing out ideas?
• 2:41
  Why doesn't he just say? All right I'm going to get
• 2:43
  Chinese food, you know, or you get something else I'll doing
• 2:47
  something else now you know it's like two people that are two
• 2:50
  things that I talk about a lot one.
• 2:52
  It's the cult of boundaries and preferences and this case
• 2:55
  preferences so it's like the the fact that you can think of
• 2:59
  possibly and even better more delectable morsel, you know, is
• 3:04
  out there. It's like Bobo, you know, like
• 3:06
  could you possibly have a dinner?
• 3:08
  That's a 9 out of 10, instead of a 10 out of 10.
• 3:11
  You know why? Why would you suffer that way?
• 3:13
  You know you need your you're the most wonderful possible
• 3:18
  thing out of all the things that you prefer.
• 3:21
  You know that has to be it and the likelihood of you and your
• 3:24
  spouse. Both wanting the same delectable
• 3:27
  morsel at the same time, it's pretty low, you know?
• 3:29
  Because you are two separate people and then there's also the
• 3:32
  people pleasing and conflict a version And so, obviously, you
• 3:38
  know, the guy doesn't care right?
• 3:40
  You know, and but but he does, he's acting like he doesn't so
• 3:43
  if he really didn't, he would be like, all right.
• 3:45
  Well then pick something in order.
• 3:46
  It, you know, or pick something by this time that I'm leaving
• 3:50
  work and I will pick it up or I will make it or whatever, but he
• 3:54
  really does care, otherwise, you know, he would do that.
• 3:59
  What he cares about primarily is not displeasing, the princess.
• 4:02
  So this is a dynamic where the man is a piece.
• 4:05
  People pleaser, but he's acting like he's kind of being the
• 4:08
  alpha because he's the one who comes out with the suggestions
• 4:11
  for her to shoot down. But in reality, he's just like
• 4:14
  as big a people pleaser and conflict a versus her and she is
• 4:17
  too because somebody here knows what they want to eat, you know,
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  I'm just statistically like this is two adults, you know, there's
• 4:23
  only a finite amount of possibilities.
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  So even if you factor in you know that this the site, this
• 4:28
  idea that everybody should get their very favorite, they owe
• 4:32
  and just this is a funny aside but people who Have this
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  Dynamic. This is like the funniest.
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  They'll say things like you straight face, completely,
• 4:40
  straight face. I'll be like our kids are so
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  picky. It's horrible.
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  I mean, they'll really only have this one brand of chicken
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  fingers and you know, like they'll only have this one type
• 4:53
  of dessert. So basically the only two things
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  and, you know, we really can't go anywhere, you know?
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  And we do we got to, like, pack their food, then they won't go
• 5:03
  to certain restaurants for Your old, my four-year-old won't go
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  to certain restaurant. I'm like oh well you know that's
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  tough is modeled from parents were like no, we're very
• 5:13
  laid-back we're very easygoing about things and then of course
• 5:18
  it comes out that they have these ridiculous conversations
• 5:21
  right in front of the child. What does the child learn from?
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  No, I don't really want Chinese know, we had Italian to
• 5:27
  recently. What is it?
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  Child, learn be picky. Be very, very picky about stupid
• 5:32
  shit. I just wrote a post.
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  The 90/10 rule Well, why you should only have an opinion
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  about 10 percentage of that happens?
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  And how that's like how CEOs operate, you know, like what are
• 5:41
  you teaching your kid? You're teaching your kid that
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  like you the the moment of pleasure when that food hits
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  your tongue is worth a ridiculous discussion that the
• 5:51
  child understands is, you know, conflict.
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  So even if it's very low level, conflict that there should be
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  any sort of back-and-forth conflict over, you know what to
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  eat. So then what's very important
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  What to eat. They learn what to eat is
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  extremely important. It's so important that these two
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  adults that are my parents like, talk about their preferences of
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  what to eat, like all the time, daily, we're near daily.
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  So then as a child, I'm ovulating, my parents.
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  So what do I think is very important that I get exactly
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  what I want to eat one 100% of the time as mommy and daddy
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  seemed to do. So if so number one, if you have
• 6:30
  a picky kid, it's never the case that there's a picky kid without
• 6:34
  picky. Parents, because not picky
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  parents, just serve the kid, whatever.
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  It's like, oh, we're having dinner.
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  Here's dinner. Like they can't really even
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  imagine that like a child would have that many preferences
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  because they don't. So, you know they serve a dinner
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  if the child needs some of it, not the rest of it.
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  Okay. So they like this thing better
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  than this thing, but then we still have another dinner.
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  The next night that used to be kind of how it was people in
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  general. Did not choose to be as picky
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  about food obviously, so, you know, in our parents generation
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  or the generation before there's their generation for There's not
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  doordash, not our parents generation either, you know,
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  people didn't go out to eat as frequently.
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  It wasn't such a big thing. Everybody didn't consider
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  themselves, an amateur, you know, restaurant reviewer.
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  That just was not the culture, so you eat, what is served at
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  home, you know, and some kids who are less sensitive were
• 7:23
  better, able to eat everything on the plate, or like everything
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  that served and kids were more. Sensitive did not like
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  everything, but they still still ate enough to remain alive, and
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  that was just the culture, you know?
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  Now, Now, our culture as I've discussed over and over, is what
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  I'm calling the cult of preferences, and that is no more
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  apparent in any Arena than in the food Arena.
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  So the idea of what to eat and how to eat people are various
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  styles of what they eat, you know, and just people review
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  shit on Yelp all the time and just, it's like a big deal about
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  where to eat. So, of course, your child's
• 7:57
  going to pick up on this, the more, you're like this, the
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  picky or they're going to be, and I have a podcast on picky
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  eating about children, but you could get into, but Back to the
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  man and woman thing or the married.
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  Couple thing, however, whatever gender.
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  The main thing here is these people.
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  There's there's usually not people that are just like this
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  about food which is why I bring it up because it's more
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  interesting to me when we were talking about it on Facebook.
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  I'm thinking what does this relate to you know, it relates
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  to General inability to upset anybody so instead of being like
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  yes I want Chinese tonight so that's what we are getting cool.
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  Right. The other person, probably be so
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  relieved, be like, yeah. Okay, you know, or apparently,
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  you know, this is also emotional labor, which ties into another
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  one of my favorite topics or my pet peeves, is the people that
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  talk about emotional labor down to stuff, that would be like
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  embarrassing. Like, in any other frame of, you
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  know, any other time in the universe, it would be
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  embarrassing. People say to me, well, I have
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  to be the one to tell the housekeeper like to come on
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  Monday. And there's like, no.
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  There's no self-reflection like this is good, you're living a
• 9:09
  good life, you got a housekeeper.
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  That is wonderful. You have that much money.
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  What? That's great.
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  You don't have to scrub your own toilet, how wonderful?
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  But instead this becomes a Proving Ground for, who is doing
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  more in the house, the which one of the spouses is the one to
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  interact with the housekeeper who then is doing multiple hours
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  and cleaning of the house. But somebody at the collar And
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  somebody has to pay her and that 30 seconds on each end turns
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  into a fight. And this is exemplifies, this
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  exemplifies, the culture of, you know, kind of self-centeredness
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  quite honestly. That's when I said self-care
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  jumps the shark into selfishness Cult of boundaries.
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  This is like a major theme that I discussed because it is the
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  death of a happy relationship. When people are scorekeeping
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  also, you can refer back to my fair play podcast where people
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  are legitimately supposed to have Cards that they divide for
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  the chores and it's like the ultimate scorekeeping.
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  And of course, we're keeping is bad for a relationship of any
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  sort friendship, intimate relationship parent-child
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  relationship. Anyway so the idea is here that
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  this is also an emotional labor thing.
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  The decision of what to eat is apparently considered emotional
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  labor. Now, instead of, wow, wow, lucky
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  you, you get to choose from All these options, you know, that
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  that you could eat tonight just by pressing something on your
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  phone amazing. Instead, it's considered
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  emotional labor. So the couple that struggles
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  with this really has to think about how they engage in the
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  world and whether they're being a quite honestly a little bit
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  selfish you know I mean not to put too fine a point on it.
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  Are they being selfish? And thus modeling self-centered
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  is for their children and does Their Fear of any conflict
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  prohibit them from just kind of saying a, i I don't care or be,
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  I want X and that's it. I mean the reality is that that
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  the couple easily in the age of doordash would be able to order
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  their own dinners but that seems to be like a bridge too far.
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  So instead people do this ridiculous back and forth that
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  only models to children that individual preferences are just
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  so important and that it's so important that both people get
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  exactly what they need. It, isn't it?
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  It really isn't. So then you can imagine like the
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  this goes on to when we talk about sex.
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  So if the woman doesn't want to kiss well, of course you can't
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  do anything, she doesn't want to do.
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  If the man doesn't really want to go on a date while shit.
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  He can't do anything, he doesn't want to do.
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  So then they end up in a sexless romantic list marriage.
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  They both basically are depressed all the time, but at
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  least they did not have to go outside their comfort zones.
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  God forbid and do anything. They did not want to do.
• 12:02
  So, what would I recommend if you are In this sort of our
• 12:06
  restaurant Purgatory, with your partner, perhaps you could just
• 12:10
  try implementing a different strategy such that you never
• 12:14
  have this conversation in front of your children again, nor do
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  you take up the finite moments you have on this Earth alive
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  with this back and forth bullshit that you know, really
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  doesn't teach anybody anything good and doesn't let you
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  practice anything. Good.
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  So instead you could do one of the two things that I recommend
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  which is a whoever mentions first.
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  What they want to eat, get To eat it or whoever's making
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  against to make whatever they want.
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  Or one person just says you know what, we could eat, whatever the
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  fuck you want forever and that's that, you know it unless I just
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  tell you I am bringing home something else so the person who
• 12:50
  is the cook can just make the damn food and they can take
• 12:54
  everybody's preferences, Global preferences into account, such
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  as you know, the partner does not like asparagus but
• 13:00
  everything else is fair game. Or what have you?
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  But what you should not. Do is allow this to be a
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  constant fake decision making where you're kind of pretending
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  that you care what the other person wants.
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  But you're not really, and you're getting kind of resentful
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  and you're not practicing being selfless or kind because that's
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  what you should always be practicing in a relationship and
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  you're modeling individualistic preferences and this putting
• 13:28
  them on a pedestal for your children and then wondering why
• 13:30
  they're selfish you're picky or unappreciative right?
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  So don't do that. It doesn't make any sense.
• 13:36
  So instead you could listen to this with your partner if you
• 13:38
  want, or if they don't like me, not everybody has to like me,
• 13:41
  don't listen to it with them. But try to say next time, they
• 13:44
  say, what do you want for dinner?
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  You say sweetheart, you choose. I can't wait to see what you
• 13:51
  order and or what you cook because whatever you want,
• 13:56
  honey, that would be interesting be interesting to see what they
• 13:59
  do. You know, and do be interesting
• 14:01
  to get really really anxious and they say well no no I can't make
• 14:04
  that. Vision in which case, maybe all
• 14:07
  along, they have wanted you to be the one that comes up with a
• 14:10
  dinner and this could really transform your marriage.
• 14:12
  You gotta always be willing to think outside the box if
• 14:15
  something isn't working. So if there's a decision that
• 14:17
  consistently comes up and it doesn't go well for the couple
• 14:21
  now, I'm not talking about if they're just two Foodies that.
• 14:23
  Just her saying, oh well I read a review about this and you read
• 14:26
  a review on that and so let's go to this one this week and this
• 14:29
  one the next week know people talk about this as actually like
• 14:32
  an annoying irritating part of their day.
• 14:34
  A a daily conversation about this.
• 14:37
  So what do you do? So as not to be the definition
• 14:40
  of insanity, you don't do the same thing over and over and
• 14:42
  expect to change. You don't continue to have a
• 14:44
  discussion that's irritating and expect that it's not going to
• 14:47
  eventually become you know, a road closeness.
• 14:50
  It will, it will become the daily irritating interaction.
• 14:54
  You have with your spouse who the hell needs that?
• 14:56
  You should have better interactions with your spouse
• 14:58
  Now worse. Right.
• 15:00
  So the the point I'm trying to say here, try to switch it up,
• 15:03
  try to either Grow your decision-making and
• 15:06
  assertiveness skills and say, I want X.
• 15:08
  I will cook it. You know?
• 15:10
  It's going to be great. I promise, it'll be wonderful.
• 15:15
  You know, you don't knock your socks off and just do a good
• 15:17
  job, cooking or say whatever you want lutely.
• 15:21
  If you genuinely don't care and you would like to especially
• 15:24
  model for your children, flexibility and kindness about
• 15:27
  something that genuinely does not matter because, you know
• 15:29
  what, you could eat, whatever you want for the other two meals
• 15:31
  a day. So the fuck, do you really care?
• 15:33
  And if you cared, That much. Is it really helping you to be
• 15:37
  somebody? Who cares that much or are there
• 15:39
  other aspects of your life in which you are sensory
• 15:42
  preferences, or you are preferences about doing things
• 15:46
  that you want, or don't want to do, are impeding your
• 15:49
  functioning and your self actualization or your
• 15:52
  relationship actualization. You know, if you are somebody
• 15:56
  because I always see this and I talked about it in the other
• 15:59
  podcast. Now that I'm talking, I remember
• 16:01
  that. I said the picky eating also
• 16:03
  goes with Squeamishness and sexual closed off - a hundred
• 16:08
  percent of the time. The women that don't want to
• 16:11
  touch in beds that have very, very definitive preferences
• 16:14
  about they eat because eating is another sensory thing.
• 16:17
  So honestly, if you're the man in that situation, where do you
• 16:21
  want her to focus her energy? Do you give a shit if you eat
• 16:24
  pasta for the rest of your life for dinner?
• 16:26
  If she were to then focus on sex because it can't be everything,
• 16:31
  you see, it can't be everything. I tell this to people all the
• 16:33
  time I say you got to Stay on brand.
• 16:35
  What is your major? Ask here in couples counseling.
• 16:38
  It's like she's more sexually. Open, cool.
• 16:40
  Well then you can't have problems with how she parents.
• 16:43
  You can't have problems with how she does or doesn't exercise, or
• 16:46
  with your in-laws, or how she spends money.
• 16:49
  People can work on 20 million things at once and then they
• 16:52
  start to feel that you're the boy who cried wolf you want her
• 16:54
  to work on, More Physical intimacy, get rid of the other
• 16:57
  fucking problems because they're not as important as that one.
• 17:00
  So, say to your wife. Sure, honey.
• 17:03
  Let's just see what you want every lie.
• 17:04
  Like, for real, I've realized that I'm being ridiculous, too,
• 17:08
  because sometimes I should stop down and I don't really give a
• 17:10
  shit. The number, one thing I care
• 17:11
  about is that we're close and connected.
• 17:13
  So any if it makes you happy to eat the, whatever the hell you
• 17:17
  want for dinner? I'm there.
• 17:18
  I'm doing it. Fine.
• 17:20
  Cool. And you know what?
• 17:22
  Maybe you truly would be a gift to her because if you are that
• 17:25
  picky and you have that many sensory preferences that and it
• 17:28
  is stressful to consider eating something that you do not want
• 17:32
  to eat then take it off her play The more nice things you do you
• 17:36
  know, the more likely somebody has to play ball and other
• 17:39
  Arenas, I mean, it sounds crazy to say it for somebody, that is
• 17:43
  not very picky themselves. So the man that's continually
• 17:46
  throwing out. The idea is to get shot down,
• 17:48
  but if it is, truly even a remote 10%, stressor to her to
• 17:53
  eat Chinese when she wants to eat pizza, which it is to
• 17:56
  somebody who has loads and loads of individual sensory
• 17:59
  preferences about taste touch smell, Etc.
• 18:02
  Do you want this stress to be yet?
• 18:04
  Yet another Mark against you subconsciously that she has in
• 18:07
  her mind. No, you know, if you're dealing
• 18:10
  with a rigid person, this goes to my previous podcasts on is
• 18:15
  your rigidity harming your relationship with your husband
• 18:17
  and kids, but if you're dealing with a rigid person, which is
• 18:19
  the sort of person who has lots and lots of preferences about
• 18:22
  what they eat at what time when, how where do you do you want to?
• 18:27
  You want to expand the Horizon of this rigid person probably in
• 18:31
  one key Area, physical affection, an emotional.
• 18:34
  In which is linked, but you don't want to stress them out
• 18:37
  about what to eat, you do want to stress them out about what
• 18:39
  they wear, you don't want to stress them out about much.
• 18:41
  So, unless they are doing horrible egregious, things such
• 18:45
  as I've talked about constricting your children, you
• 18:47
  know, making them scared of the world, perpetuating, their
• 18:50
  anxiety with the kids. That's a major one, right?
• 18:53
  And the other major one is a physical relationship, but if
• 18:56
  there are these little things that you could just give over
• 18:58
  like, hey, you know, you want it, does it stress, you out more
• 19:02
  to decide what to eat or does it stress you out?
• 19:04
  Out more to sometimes eat things I want because whichever thing
• 19:07
  you want, let's fucking do it, you know the rest of your life
• 19:10
  you could pick or the rest of your life.
• 19:11
  I could pick but we're not going to have him directions.
• 19:13
  I kind of make you irritated with me anymore.
• 19:16
  Unfortunately we have enough of those.
• 19:17
  We don't have a margin of error here.
• 19:19
  We're trying to work on building closeness in our relationship.
• 19:23
  Also if you are the bottleneck, if you are the rigid person who
• 19:27
  fetishizes one specific food at one specific time, think about
• 19:30
  how this ideology was learned in your family of origin.
• 19:34
  Hundred percent. They were very picky, selfish
• 19:36
  people there and do you want to be this kind of person or do you
• 19:40
  want to be the kind of person who says, sure.
• 19:43
  I'll try that. Sure.
• 19:44
  I'll try that open-mindedness. And by, you know, as indicated
• 19:50
  here by quote, sure. I'll try.
• 19:52
  That is the, the most important thing.
• 19:56
  The most essential ingredient of a happy relationship from
• 19:59
  everything I've seen as a couple's counselor for, you
• 20:01
  know, now close to a decade and a half, right?
• 20:04
  Open-mindedness and the ability to say sure, I'll try that.
• 20:07
  So why don't you guys try that? You could, you could weather the
• 20:11
  next time that your partner says you want to try Chinese?
• 20:14
  You want Chinese tonight? You say sure.
• 20:16
  I'll try that. Sure sure.
• 20:18
  It sounds good, sounds good. That's another one's even two
• 20:20
  words. You could only take towards
• 20:22
  sounds good. The more you say, sounds good
• 20:25
  and things like that. The more your kids turn into
• 20:27
  people who say, sounds good. You want kids, you say sounds
• 20:30
  good. Everybody wants kids to say
• 20:32
  sounds good. They're flexible ago.
• 20:34
  Ria below agreeable in the personality sense, somehow that
• 20:37
  got a bad rap, that word is being like a doormat, you're not
• 20:40
  a doormat if you eat Chinese food when you would have like
• 20:43
  sushi 5% better, you're a reasonable human being who other
• 20:46
  people want to maintain relationships with anyway.
• 20:50
  I think that hopefully I've given you something to think
• 20:53
  about about this topic that maybe you were, you know,
• 20:56
  thought maybe I couldn't even talk a lot about and here I have
• 20:59
  talked for 21 minutes about it. Alright, I hope you found it
• 21:02
  interesting as I did and I'll talk to you all soon.
• 21:04
  Bye guys.