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Hidden Harm. The Too-Grown-Up Child · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Inside the Consulting Room and the current series of podcasts entitled Hidden Harm.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, which is episode four, we're going to look at something which is curiously or can be curiously deceptive.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's when the child who is praised for being mature is really a child who is paying quite a heavy price for that.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what it's costing them.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This there's a particular kind of child who is often admired when they're described as thoughtful and sensible and easy to be around.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And adults say things like, She's so mature for her age, or he's wise beyond his years, and you just don't have to worry about them.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And on the surface, that may all be true at a superficial level, but there's a deceptive quality about it because we're talking about a child.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: The idea that a child is mature for their age is something I find worrying because children mature gradually, but if they have to mature rapidly, that indicates that something is wrong.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a question that sits underneath this kind of maturity, and it's not really a question that people are inclined to ask.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something like why did this what did this child have to give up in order to become this way?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: What mature often really means is that they don't the child the child doesn't overwhelm the room.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: They don't demand too much, they don't lose control in ways which make adults feel uncomfortable or insecure.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: But maturity in its true developmental sense is something that unfolds over time.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's built through being held in mind, having feelings recognized, being allowed to depend before becoming independent, essentially.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of interesting because there's a paradox here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people think that dependency is wrong.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or rather, that by a given age, a sharp a child should, I love that word, but not much, be able to do the following things.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it doesn't really work like that.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Children develop at their own pace, but that pace is shaped by the environment in which they live.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when maturity appears too early or too consistent consistently and without fluctuation, it's often not maturity, it's adaptation.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now these children are often responding to an environment that has required something from them.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it isn't always something that is dramatic.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes it's subtle.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: It could be the child is growing in an environment where a parent is overwhelmed, or a household where emotions feel unpredictable, or a dynamic where the child senses that their needs might be too much.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we also see this in terms of the children who are carers, children who have to adapt to the needs of the environment and the people in it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, this results in the an effect upon their needs and how those get recognized, responded to, expressed, and so on.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So these children tend to have more awareness of others than of themselves.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they're more responsive than expressive.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're more containing rather than contained.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they learn, often without words, if I stay steady, things are easier.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't if I don't need too much, I'm easier to love.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: If I take care of how others feel, everything holds together.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this begins to look like maturity, but it's not.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is responsibility.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Quite often when I work with families where one child in particular is in a distressed state whose difficulties place significant demand upon family members.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: A sibling, if there is one or two, a sibling will counterbalance this and they will become undemanding.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like they're trying to not so much make things better but make sure that things don't get worse.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So this kind of compliant adaptation can present itself as maturity.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And and in fact, it's not.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what we're really encountering is a child whose own self is having to be denied or suppressed in order that they don't make things worse.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Most often they'll be doing well at school, they'll seemingly be managing relationships, and they're not causing disruption.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they're often the children that adults rely on, which I also think is potentially a difficult thing for the child, because it changes something in the family system dynamics.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: The child becomes kind of elevated because of their apparent maturity, and they become relied upon.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And children aren't in a position to say, you want me to do what?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Surely that's your job.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only ten.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: They don't do that, they simply act on this subtle but nonetheless powerful expectation that they will continue to behave in this pseudo-mature kind of way.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they're kind of learning to move away from their own needs and they become the regulators of others before themselves.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: So they suppress their own emotional needs which some people would ordinarily ask for help for.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And over time this creates a kind of internal structure where the child is seemingly competent, capable, composed, but not always connected to themselves.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: The cost of this kind of adaptation doesn't always show in childhood.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, because it's often rewarded, it's maintained, but it tends to emerge later in adolescence or in adult relationships or both.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have worked with parents for whom this is clearly the case, where their own supposed maturity or required maturity eventually went bang.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they they then began to develop difficulties in relationships, they became rescuers, they but but all of this was built upon foundations that didn't have them as being held in mind.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: They learned to adapt, they learned to be the care givers.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And in adolescence, we talk about compulsive care giving and compulsive care reliance and compulsive self-reliance as mechanisms that develop as a consequence of living in a family environment where there is no room for that child's needs, so they adapt accordingly.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And they will go on often having difficulty knowing what they feel, how to name it.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: They will have a tendency to overfunction in relationships and they will experience exhaustion that just doesn't quite make sense.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I say this, I'm thinking about somebody whose preoccupation with the members of her family is so great that she's become ill.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: The origins of this lie in her own experiences of not having a voice.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, she adapted, she was mature, she was reliable, didn't take risks, and that pattern of behavior has followed her through to adulthood.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And now, as a mother herself, her self-denial and her preoccupation with others has become something which the family are invested in, and therefore she is seen as the fixer, the rescuer, the provider, and it it the effect on her is considerable.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the point here is that this has its roots in her early personality development.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath all of that, there's often something else going on, which is with these are questions you'll hear people say, I don't know how to stop doing what I do, I don't know what I need, I don't know who takes care of me, I do I need to be taken care of.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we begin to notice this while the child is still a child?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: We might look a little more closely at the child who really asks for help, the child who adapts quickly to others, the one who seems older than they are all of the time.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we might ask the question, is this flexibility or is this self-suppression?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this maturity or is this a child who has learned not to need?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure everyone will be familiar with that that term, children having to grow up, grow up too quickly.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is essentially what we're talking about.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Children do not become too mature by accident, they become this way in response to something.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And while it can look like strength, it's often a strength that comes at a cost.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not necessarily a visible and it's not always named, but a cost that if we're willing to see it, we can begin to respond differently.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not by taking away their capability, but by giving them something they may not have had enough of.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: The experience we're talking about is just that of being allowed to be a child.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we have to be quite explicit.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: When I work with parents and child together, quite often what I will be be explicit about with the child and the parent is the idea that although the child might be worried about the parent, it it is the job of the grown-ups to take care of that.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I've said to children, do you think that it would be helpful for you if I if if mum and dad talk to me?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think maybe I could help them?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And always the response is yes.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because essentially what I'm saying is it's okay, you don't have to do this.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You just be a small person, and I'll be it, I'll be a grown-up with your parents, and I'll be the one who helps them.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it really is quite remarkable to see how even though I haven't or we haven't recognized that this child is having to overcompensate, we haven't maybe voiced that.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'm also remind parents how to restore or main and maintain a balance where the child can be a child.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back shortly.