Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 47: Protect Your Marriage From Enmeshment

Transcript

EP 47: Protect Your Marriage From Enmeshment · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

• 0:00
  We tend to think that the closer we are to someone, the fewer boundaries
• 0:04
  that we should need, especially when it comes to marriage.
• 0:08
  So we're married, right? And we're one and we share a home.
• 0:12
  Maybe we're sharing a family or finances, definitely sharing
• 0:16
  the responsibilities and a life together.
• 0:19
  So shouldn't intimacy mean that there are fewer lines
• 0:23
  between us? But what if that's one of the
• 0:27
  biggest misconceptions we have about boundaries in marriage?
• 0:31
  Because intimacy isn't enmeshment,
• 0:34
  and healthy boundaries don't create distance in a marriage. In many cases,
• 0:38
  they're actually what's helping us create the safety and the honesty
• 0:41
  and the freedom and the connection that we are craving by allowing
• 0:45
  a marriage to become stronger.
• 0:52
  If you're tired of people-pleasing, caring too much,
• 0:55
  and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold on
• 0:59
  to, you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom,
• 1:03
  former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
• 1:06
  Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries,
• 1:10
  and get clear on what actually matters so that you can build
• 1:14
  a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
• 1:18
  So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into
• 1:22
  this next episode. Hey friend,
• 1:26
  welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I am your host,
• 1:30
  Lori Grimes, and today I want to talk about boundaries in
• 1:33
  marriage. But maybe, okay, not in the way that we usually
• 1:38
  think about those. We're gonna talk about some of the misconceptions
• 1:42
  we have about boundaries and intimacy and why having
• 1:45
  individual interests and hobbies can actually be what's
• 1:50
  healthy for our marriages. And what happens when
• 1:53
  those good things begin creating friction because we're no
• 1:57
  longer making enough time for each other. Because a healthy marriage
• 2:02
  needs room for 2 totally individual
• 2:07
  people and the relationship that they're building
• 2:11
  together. So one of the first misconceptions I want to talk
• 2:14
  about is intimacy means we don't need any boundaries.
• 2:19
  One of the first misconceptions is that if we're truly
• 2:23
  intimate, right, connected with our spouse. There shouldn't
• 2:26
  be much that's separating us. But intimacy
• 2:31
  and enmeshment aren't the same thing,
• 2:35
  guys. Healthy intimacy says, I know you,
• 2:39
  you know me, I can be honest with you, and I can be
• 2:43
  myself with you, and we can continue to choose
• 2:47
  each other. But enmeshment starts blur those lines
• 2:50
  between what belongs to me and what belongs to
• 2:54
  you. It looks like your mood becomes
• 2:58
  my responsibility, or your disappointment means that I
• 3:01
  did something wrong. Has that ever come up for y'all?
• 3:05
  If you don't like my decision, I immediately feel like I
• 3:09
  need to change it to make you feel comfortable. Or maybe I've become so
• 3:14
  focused on on what you need, what you want,
• 3:19
  and how you're feeling that I've lost touch with what I need and
• 3:22
  what I believe and what God is asking of me.
• 3:25
  And that, my friends, I have run into so many
• 3:29
  times in the past with my spouse. That just
• 3:34
  really knowing my husband so, so well,
• 3:37
  being so good at detecting what he's feeling and what he wants at that time,
• 3:41
  that I was out of touch with what I needed. So in Genesis
• 3:45
  2:24 it says, that is why a man leaves his father
• 3:49
  and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one
• 3:53
  flesh. So we are becoming one in marriage.
• 3:56
  But becoming one doesn't mean we're now the
• 4:01
  same person. That's not what the Bible is talking about. It just means that we're
• 4:05
  united, but we are still 2 separate autonomous
• 4:08
  people. So Galatians 6:5 says it like this, for each
• 4:12
  one should carry their own load. So there are going to be things
• 4:16
  that we carry together as a group, as in marriage, but there are
• 4:20
  going to be things that each of us is held responsible
• 4:24
  for by God to carry ourselves.
• 4:27
  So my emotions are ultimately my responsibility.
• 4:31
  They're not my spouse's. My behavior, again,
• 4:35
  is my responsibility. And my relationship with with God,
• 4:39
  again, my responsibility as well as my choices.
• 4:44
  So it's the same for my spouse. And guys, this is
• 4:47
  not distance. This is maturity and growth in our marriage.
• 4:51
  So let's tackle misconceptions.
• 4:54
  Misconception number 2: separate interests mean we're growing
• 4:58
  apart. So there was a time when in my marriage,
• 5:02
  when my husband would go out and his hobby, he likes to play
• 5:07
  this thing called Warhammer. It's like these little mini models
• 5:11
  that they battle each other. I know it's super nerdy. I make fun of him
• 5:14
  all the time. But anyways, he loves this hobby and there'd be a time when
• 5:17
  he would go out and play this hobby after he had been working long hours
• 5:20
  at work and I would make him feel bad for it. I wouldn't
• 5:25
  support the hobby because I felt like it meant we were growing apart.
• 5:29
  But I've learned over time that this is what has kept us
• 5:33
  strong in our marriage. He needs to be able to go out and to have
• 5:37
  these other social relationships and a break from the marriage and the
• 5:40
  family and have something that's just his. So another misconception
• 5:44
  is that if we have a strong marriage, we should want to just do
• 5:48
  everything together. But really, healthy marriages
• 5:52
  have room for his and hers and ours
• 5:55
  together. So maybe your husband loves golf. Like I said, mine loves
• 6:00
  this little miniature wargaming thing that he does. Or maybe you love to go
• 6:04
  to the gym. That's my thing. And he does not go to the gym with
• 6:07
  me. Maybe one of you likes gaming or reading or hiking.
• 6:11
  Maybe someone likes to work on projects or going out
• 6:15
  with friends. Maybe someone likes to volunteer or spend time doing something
• 6:20
  that the other person simply just isn't interested in. And that is okay,
• 6:23
  guys. You don't have to love everything your spouse
• 6:27
  loves in order to love your spouse. And you don't have to
• 6:30
  give up everything that makes you,
• 6:34
  you in in order to have a close, loving marriage.
• 6:38
  So in 1 Corinthians 12, it talks about the body having
• 6:42
  many different parts. So verse 18 says, but in
• 6:45
  fact, God has placed the parts of the body, every one of them,
• 6:49
  just as He wanted them to be. So what is
• 6:52
  he talking about here? Paul isn't specifically teaching about
• 6:56
  hobbies. We know that in marriage. But I think there's a principle worth
• 7:00
  noticing. Unity doesn't require sameness.
• 7:04
  Difference isn't automatically needing to be a threat here.
• 7:08
  Sometimes we need boundaries that give each other room to grow,
• 7:12
  to recharge our batteries, to maintain these other friendships
• 7:17
  that are important to us, or pursue interests and just be
• 7:20
  individual people. The question isn't
• 7:25
  necessarily, why don't you want to do this with me?
• 7:28
  Sometimes the healthier question is, are we giving each other
• 7:33
  enough freedom to be individuals while
• 7:37
  still protecting our connection as a couple. Because those
• 7:40
  2 things have to work together for— to
• 7:44
  have a healthy marriage. So misconception number 3,
• 7:48
  if the hobby isn't wrong, there shouldn't be a problem. And this is where
• 7:52
  it can get a little uncomfortable because sometimes a hobby isn't the problem.
• 7:56
  Like, there's nothing wrong with golf, right? And there's nothing wrong with going to the
• 7:59
  gym. There's nothing wrong with you know, having friends and
• 8:03
  working on projects or playing a video game or the volunteering.
• 8:09
  But sometimes even good things can create what I
• 8:12
  would call friction when they consistently get our best time,
• 8:16
  energy, and attention and our marriage gets what's
• 8:20
  left. Sometimes the argument sounds like, you know, when it comes to
• 8:24
  golf or the gym, friends, or, you know, your worker
• 8:27
  the phone, it may sound like, I miss
• 8:31
  you, or, I don't feel important to you right now, or,
• 8:35
  You seem to have time for everything except us.
• 8:39
  And that's where the boundaries can actually protect the intimacy here.
• 8:43
  So in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, it says,
• 8:47
  2 are better than one because they have a good return
• 8:50
  for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help
• 8:55
  the other up. So marriage does require
• 8:59
  togetherness. The scripture is talking about that.
• 9:03
  Not constant togetherness. And again, I don't think this
• 9:06
  is necessarily just talking about marriage, but we can infer this
• 9:12
  is not giving up everything outside the marriage, but instead it's
• 9:16
  about intentional togetherness. Because sometimes a healthy boundary
• 9:20
  might mean deciding that one night a week belongs to your marriage.
• 9:24
  Maybe phones, you're going to put them away at a certain time. Or maybe
• 9:28
  one of your hobbies doesn't automatically take every Saturday.
• 9:33
  Like my husband, he doesn't go to these tournaments every
• 9:37
  weekend. He does them like once a month. So that way there
• 9:40
  is time for the family and for the marriage. So maybe you
• 9:44
  actually schedule a day instead of waiting until both of
• 9:48
  your calendars magically open up. So we've got to be intentional here.
• 9:52
  Maybe you sit down and talk about how much time each of you needs individually
• 9:57
  or how much time you think your marriage needs collectively. I mean, each marriage
• 10:01
  is different and each marriage needs a certain amount of time
• 10:05
  together. And you can work that out and go
• 10:08
  ahead and decide that ahead of time. Because if we don't intentionally protect
• 10:13
  time for our marriage, everything else will happily take it from us,
• 10:17
  right? So here's misconception number 4: Boundaries are how I
• 10:22
  get my spouse to change. So remember, guys,
• 10:25
  a boundary is not, you need to stop
• 10:29
  doing this, you can't go there, you need to spend more time with
• 10:32
  me. Those statements are focused on controlling your spouse's
• 10:36
  behavior. A boundary starts with me. What am I responsible for?
• 10:40
  What am I willing to participate in?
• 10:43
  What do I need to communicate?
• 10:46
  What have I been tolerating or quietly I'm becoming
• 10:50
  resentful about? What are the expectations that I haven't
• 10:55
  expressed? Or what can we agree to protect together? And what am
• 10:58
  I going to do if something isn't working? So Ephesians
• 11:02
  4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love.
• 11:05
  Because sometimes loving your spouse means telling the truth.
• 11:09
  Not when you're angry, not threatening,
• 11:13
  not after you've made a list of 6 months of things that you're mad
• 11:16
  at him for. But instead, it's like you saying,
• 11:20
  I love that you have things that you enjoy doing, but I
• 11:24
  don't want you to give those up. I just feel like we haven't been
• 11:28
  connecting lately, and I want us to figure out how we can protect
• 11:32
  time for our marriage too. That's very different than, you care more about
• 11:36
  that stupid hobby than you care about me. I mean, have you ever said
• 11:40
  that? One is attacking,
• 11:44
  right? One is attacking our spouse and the other is inviting your
• 11:47
  spouse into a conversation. So it's not confrontational.
• 11:51
  And freedom and connection is where I think ultimately
• 11:56
  where healthy boundaries in marriage help us to create freedom
• 12:00
  and connection. So if we have connection without
• 12:04
  enough individuality, we slip into enmeshment.
• 12:08
  We start taking responsibility for each other's feelings.
• 12:12
  We begin losing ourselves in the relationship. We don't know where one
• 12:16
  ends and one begins. And we start believing this closeness is
• 12:20
  like we should think, feel, and want the same things. But if we have
• 12:24
  this individuality without intentional connection,
• 12:28
  we can slip become just 2 roommates living
• 12:32
  like parallel lives, sharing the bills. You know, we're in the same
• 12:35
  house, we have the same kids, but,
• 12:39
  you know, not much, much else, right? So healthy
• 12:43
  boundaries live somewhere in the middle. And it says
• 12:47
  things like, you get to be you and I get to be me,
• 12:50
  and we're going to intentionally protect
• 12:54
  our marriage. So Philippians 2:4 says, not looking
• 12:57
  for your own interests or to your own interests, but each of
• 13:01
  you to the interest of others. So that doesn't tell us to have no
• 13:05
  interests of our own. It's just reminding us to become—
• 13:09
  to not become so consumed with our own interests
• 13:13
  that we stop seeing the person, the spouse beside
• 13:17
  us. So maybe this week, instead of asking whether you and your spouse
• 13:22
  need a more or fewer boundaries, ask a different question. This is a better
• 13:25
  question: Are the boundaries in our marriage helping us protect
• 13:29
  both freedom and connection? Is there enough room for
• 13:34
  each of us to be an individual, and are we intentionally
• 13:37
  protecting enough time and energy to still
• 13:42
  be a couple? So maybe there's a hobby that you're gonna have
• 13:46
  to give a little more room for. Or maybe there's just one that's taking up
• 13:50
  too much of the calendar. And maybe you've been expecting your spouse to manage
• 13:54
  emotions that really belong to you. Or maybe you've been quietly resentful
• 13:58
  about something that you've never clearly communicated to your
• 14:02
  spouse. You don't have to solve your entire marriage this week. That's not what I'm
• 14:06
  asking for you guys. No, just pick an honest conversation
• 14:10
  that you feel like you can talk to your spouse about.
• 14:14
  And that you could speak the truth in love. Give each other room
• 14:18
  to be individuals and then protect the relationship
• 14:23
  you've chosen to build together because healthy boundaries aren't
• 14:27
  putting walls between you and your spouse.
• 14:31
  Sometimes they're exactly what helps you to stay
• 14:34
  close. Hey friend, I hope
• 14:38
  you enjoyed today's episode. If so, would you take 30
• 14:41
  seconds and go join our free Facebook page at Healthy Boundaries
• 14:45
  for Moms? That's where we go deeper, share what's actually working,
• 14:50
  and support each other in real life. I will also share some great
• 14:54
  tools and tips to help you along this journey. I have also included
• 14:58
  a link to sign up for our brand new weekly newsletter
• 15:01
  in the Facebook group. Don't forget to hit follow and
• 15:04
  leave a quick review on Apple. It really lets me know that this podcast is
• 15:08
  helping you. More importantly, it helps more women find
• 15:12
  this podcast. Now go say no to something that's stealing your peace and say
• 15:16
  yes to something you actually need, and I'll meet you back here in
• 15:20
  the next episode.